Fisk (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)
- Ohh! Come on!
- (DOG WHINES)
Minh?
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Minh!
(YELLS) Minh!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
- No.
- Yep.
Just checking the ban is still in place.
And it is.
ROZ: Higher. Higher. Lower.
Morning, Roz. Webmaster.
Morning, Helen. No, no, straighter.
- A bit more to the right. Yes, good.
- I'll just
Good. A bit more to the
right. And let it go.
- (YELLS) Hey, Helen, stop! Don't go in there!
- (SCREAMS)
Okay! Why not?! What's going on?!
No, I'm just excited.
I've got your office ready.
Totally styled it out.
- This way.
- Okay.
- You You all good?
- Yeah.
Might just need a minute.
(BREATHES SHAKILY)
You know, I'm quite highly strung.
Maybe don't yell at me.
(WHIRRS)
- This one?
- No. That's a cupboard.
This is your office.
Oh! Which is also a cupboard.
Very unpretentious.
And I like that I can interrogate
suspects in here too.
How about this desk?
Ooh, it looks a bit different
to the picture.
I know! It's a hack! I hacked it!
What do you think?
I'm not sure you needed to,
but okay, yeah, why not?
Liaise with George for
anything you might need.
Don't go wild, obviously.
We are on a budget.
- Mm-hm.
- This is for clients.
Maybe I could get something a
bit more comfortable for clients.
- Yep.
- (CLICKING)
Is that doing anything?
- Um Not in here.
- Mm. Not out here either.
What about a print or something
to cover the mould on that wall?
There's this website that does,
like, inspirational work posters,
you know, like, "Live, laugh,
love," that kind of thing.
I don't really do any of those things.
You can make your own one.
Like, you could have,
"Meeting, lunch, phone call,"
- or something.
- Sure. That's really inspiring.
Well, you would personalise it.
What do you like?
Um I like my dog.
Uh Soup. I really like soup.
Watching television.
Tea. Scones. Obviously go together.
Ooh, butterscotch.
Always better than you think.
You sound like my grandma.
Yeah, I do like big pants.
- Just they keep me secure.
- Yeah.
Hello, Bob! How are you?
Rozalind Gru-bear! Good to see ya!
I hope we can sort this out quickly.
I've got a dim sum lunch
I've got to get to.
Not up to me, I'm afraid.
I've handed this one over to our
new colleague, Helen Tudor-Fisk.
- Fisk?
- Mm.
- Fisk any relation to
- Father.
Well, well, interesting! Are the
rumours true? Do we know?
You know, about Dad and the tipstaff?
Helen. This is Bob Stanley.
- Hello, Bob.
- Hello.
It's all true, Mum died, Dad
kicked that closet door down
and came out screaming,
ran off with his tipstaff.
It's been quite the roller-coaster
ride. Should we head on in?
(TRAM BELL DINGS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay, the will states that the
cremains are to be divided
between the family of Alan Munster
and Kellie-Joy Frazer.
Obviously I should get
the whole vase of ashes,
but if Ally says half, I'll accept
half, please, thank you.
Ooh, hang on, the will
does not specify half.
It simply says,
"cremains to be divided."
That's what we're here to determine.
- But I'm the widow.
- Widow Were you married?
- That feels like new information
- No, they weren't married.
Me and Ally-bear were
married in our hearts.
Don't need a piece of
paper to be married.
I think that's exactly what
you need to be married.
Yeah Hey, are there any snacks?
I'm I'm quite peckish.
Roz usually serves snacks.
Sorry. No snacks.
- What's ?
- Oh, that's a shame.
A bit of cheese floating around?
No, Bob. No floating cheese.
I just need to clarify
exactly how long you were in a
relationship with Mr Munster.
Five minutes.
Um Instagram begs to differ.
We've been an official couple
since October last year.
But, before that, it was just
flirting around the office,
a bit of sexting.
Oh, God.
My poor mother didn't deserve this.
No, that's pretty
Oh, that's hard to look at.
He was living his best life, Gina.
There's a saying, you know?
"Why go out for steak when you're
getting the milk for free?"
BOTH: What?
Uh I believe the expression is,
"Why got for a hamburger when
you're getting steak at home?"
Right.
Sorry, but I still don't quite
understand what you're saying.
I'm saying I'm the steak.
Yeah, nah, I think in that scenario,
you're the hamburger.
I'm not the hamburger!
I'm fillet steak.
You're really not.
You're more like a kebab.
Mm.
Yum.
Oh!
Roz?
I've just seen Bob Stanley
in the meeting room.
- Is this yours?
- Uh-uh.
Hang on, that's mine.
Jesus, take it easy.
That's Yeah. That one's gone.
Why are there no snacks in there?
Let's get some taramasalata,
some tzatziki in there.
Bob will agree to anything
if there's snacks.
I thought I wasn't allowed
anywhere near legal proceedings.
Just find some bloody hummus
and put Bob's name on it.
And it's 'hou-mus'.
(TRAFFIC DRONES)
-
- (CRUNCHING)
Okay, so, with regard
- That's good hummus.
- Yep.
- Very happy with that.
- Okay.
So, with regard to the
division of the cremains,
we would like to make
an offer of five grams,
- or one teaspoon.
- One teaspoon?!
Which I realise doesn't sound like much,
however, it is enough
to pop in, say, a locket
or some other kind of keepsake.
- A what-sake?
- Like a memento, a keepsake.
For example, there's a company
that will put a small amount
of ashes into a snow globe.
Mm, that's nice.
Do you think? Uh Yeah, nice.
Uh Sometimes people
mix the ashes with ink
- and get a tattoo.
- Really?
- Relax.
- Yep, definitely doing that.
I could get a teddy bear,
my own little Ally-bear
on my shoulder maybe.
I would've thought a tramp
stamp would be more suitable.
I've already got one,
Gina, so joke's on you.
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
Mm. Um My client
Hang on. Sorry. Chewing.
Sorry, that's not fair.
I'm gonna need more than five grams
if I'm gonna get a tattoo
and a snow globe.
It actually is fair because
we've done the calculations.
Let me talk you through them and
then you'll see how we got there.
Okay, so
what we need to do
is compare the amount of time
you spent with Mr Munster
versus the time he
spent with his family.
So, over here on your side,
you say you were together six months,
I'm taking you at your word,
including that extra
bit at the beginning,
we end up with about 7.44 months.
Versus a 48-year marriage
with two children, combined
ages of which are 76 years.
Now, 76 and 48, that's a 124 years.
In order to compare that with this,
we need to convert that to months.
So, we times it by 12.
We end up with 1,488 months.
Now we're comparing apples with apples.
Then we factor in the
weight of the ashes.
Now, that's approximately
one to three kilograms,
so what we go with is units,
then we convert it back to grams,
and what we end up with is
five grams, one teaspoon.
It was actually 4.7,
but I'm being generous, I've rounded up.
So, what do we think? Bob?
Yeah, um
That's imp It's impressive.
Yeah, I actually think
that's quite a fair deal.
So, are we all happy with that?
I know you're not happy with it.
But we agree to that?
- Yeah.
- Great.
Well, I'm gonna call the funeral home
and get them to release the ashes.
Mm.
Make sure I get a good five grams.
Like, from his heart, you know?
I don't want foot ashes or anything.
(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Vis-a-vis our next meeting, Helen,
what do you think about
a few deli meats?
Maybe some lavash?
Yeah, I'll get on that.
Do you wanna take the hummus?
No-one else wants it, Bob.
Oh, yeah. For sure.
Thanks.
And any snacks you'd like
for the next meeting or
a bit upset?
Okay.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(RINGS DOORBELL)
- Oh, Viktor.
- Helen!
What's going on? I don't
have you in the diary.
- I thought you'd be at work.
- I'm on (SNIFFS)
I'm on long-service leave.
What is that smell?
You haven't got that dog
with you, have you?
- No.
- You know I'm allergic.
- Yes.
- Oh, it's like popcorn and wet meat.
No, I think that's just me. Is Dad home?
- Yes. Why?
- Do I need a reason?
Maybe I just want to say hi.
- Really?
- Yes!
And I would also like to borrow
the George Foreman Grill, please,
because the cooktop at
my Airbnb is broken.
Oh, Helen.
Is this how you thought
your life would turn out?
You're divorced,
you're living in a bedsit,
you're eating steaks cooked
in a sandwich maker.
It's not a sandwich maker. It's a
lean, mean grilling machine.
Look, why don't you pick it up on
Sunday when you come for lunch?
Oh, you're not the boss
of my dad, Viktor, okay?
(SCOFFS) I was his tipstaff
for 15 years, Helen.
I think you'll find I have
been the boss of your dad
for quite some time.
Fine. I will get it on Sunday.
Well, lovely. We'll look forward
to seeing you then.
Dad's doing a seafood buffet.
Ooh, goody! Fish!
No-one's favourite. Bleugh!
(PHONE RINGS)
Yes, Viktor?
I want you to call May and Graham
and invite them to Sunday lunch.
Why do I have to call
them? It's your lunch.
They're your aunt and uncle.
I want everyone there.
I've got a big announcement.
(CHUCKLES) Is that a euphemism?
Viktor, I said is that a euphemism?
Yes, Helen, I heard you.
Don't be common.
Just call your aunt and uncle,
please. Thank you. Goodbye.
(PHONE BEEPS)
Wow!
Look what you've done.
It's like a room reveal on The Block.
All this for $80 at Kmart.
Can you believe it?
- Yes, I can.
- Check this out!
The most-comfortable-ever
chair for clients.
- Chair, you reckon?
- I really thought outside the box
- for this one.
- Yeah. And
what is that? A fez?
Yeah, maybe for a monkey.
Mm-hm.
(OFFICE HUBBUB)
(PUFFS)
(CLICKS LIGHTSWITCH)
Doesn't mean she can come
in here any time she wants
and watch TV and fall
asleep on the couch.
She was asleep on the couch the other
day when I came home from work.
But if you're not here,
what does it matter?
It matters because
it's against the rules
- and I'm renting the house.
- Okay, fine.
I'll make sure she doesn't come
in and watch TV here anymore.
Thank you.
Well, don't come into my
Oh. Okay, well, this is petty.
It's plugged in at the wall as
well. You're gonna have to
Now it's not.
Okay.
Good. I'll just read a book.
It's better for you.
(DOG WHINES)
(RADIO PLAYS INDISTINCTLY)
WOMAN: (ON RADIO) Coming up
a bit later with Chris Bowen,
Helen Haines and Warren Entsch,
three parliamentarians
who all want to tell us
what they've been reading
and listening to and watching.
They do have time,
it would appear, only just.
So, we're also doing that.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
Shit!
(YELLS) Minh!
Minh, what are you doing?!
Burning rubbish!
Oh, my Go
Hang on a sec.
Can you throw this in?!
Thank you!
- Hello, hello!
- Hi!
May, Helen. God, that's a fun top.
Looks like you've joined
a mime school! I love it.
- Is Graham coming?
- Yeah.
Graham!
Where are you? Oh! Picking up the rear.
As usual. Ha!
- Oh, yes.
- Yep.
- Latest acquisition on the easel.
- Mm.
It's pretty graphic, Viktor.
It's just a body, Helen.
We've all got one.
- That guy's got a massive one.
- (CHUCKLES) Shh!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Oh, did they?
- They did.
- Whole barramundi!
- Yay!
- (APPLAUSE)
- Fish! Ooh!
- I thought you didn't like fish.
- What?
You remember when I wanted
to make boiled fish,
you said Helen doesn't like fish.
Nobody likes boiled fish, Graham.
- So, do you like fish now, Helen?
- Yeah, I love it, Graham.
It looks great, Dad. Yum.
- Clay-oven technique.
- Oh, good.
You encase the whole
fish in a simple dough
- made of flour, salt and water.
- Mm-hm.
The dough then hardens into a shell.
If I can just interrupt for a moment.
Before we enjoy this beautiful feast,
we just wanted to announce
that last Thursday
- we got married.
- Mm.
I know, can you believe it?
So, here's cheers.
To Tippy and Tony.
- Tip and Tone.
- Tip and Tone.
Dad, why didn't you tell me?
Why wasn't I invited?
It was just a simple service
in the registrar's office.
Nothing fancy.
I figured we wouldn't
trouble you with it.
Well Well, I'm shocked.
It's perfectly legal.
A lot of gay people get married now.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, she knows it's legal, Graham.
She's just surprised.
We all are.
Sauce. I forgot the sauce.
Mm. It's not all you forgot, is it, Dad?
Anthony has been a widower
for over two years now
Yes, thank you, Viktor.
I'm well aware of when my sister died.
I might have some of this
fish. Looks so moist.
BOTH: Don't say 'moist'.
Yuck.
(CUTLERY CLATTERS)
Is there any more bread?
You had four rolls.
- (MOUTHS NOISELESSLY)
- But it's a lot.
- (YELLS) Bastard!
- Oh.
Sorry, Tony, did you
want the last potato?
Little bastard in broad bloody
daylight. Do you see it?
Yes, yes, but, Tony,
don't worry about it.
Leave it alone.
You'll just make it angry.
- What is it?
- Oh, it's a possum.
It eats his magnolia tree and it
craps all over the porte-cochère.
- The what?
- Oh, the driveway.
- They've been watching The Crown.
- Oh!
Dad, no, don't, don't.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- (THUD!)
- Oh, sh shit.
- (SCREAMS)
- Oh, my God!
Anthony! You've killed it!
No, no, it's just playing possum.
That's what they do.
Helen, go and poke it with a
stick. Make sure it's dead.
I'm not gonna poke Why
do I have to poke it? Just
Dad, are you all right?
- Oh, come on.
- May, take him inside.
Open the door, Viktor. Jesus.
It's not gonna get you now, it's dead!
Quickly, quickly, come in.
Don't let it in.
Oh, for God's sake.
He's got an armoury, Viktor!
Why is he making weapons?
Ready?
Ooh, God!
Sweeping.
(GROANS)
Argh.
Ready?
Ohh!
- We'll see you soon.
- Yeah. You're all right? Recovered?
- Bye, Viktor!
- Bye.
See you, Graham.
- How's Is Dad all right?
- Yeah, he's fine, he's fine.
Aren't you forgetting something?
- No, I've got my grill, I'm good.
- Oh, Helen, for God's sake.
I'm sorry, Viktor,
I didn't know we did hugs.
- There we go.
- Ooh Oh. Well, that's nice.
- I meant that.
- No, I don't want leftovers.
- It's the possum.
- What? No.
We cannot have evidence
on our property, okay?
- I'm not taking it.
- It's in the esky. Just take it.
- Go. Go.
- Ohh
Why is it in an esky? What
are you keeping it fresh for?
Helen, get it out of here, please.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for a lovely afternoon!
Jesus.
Okay.
Okay.
Argh.
(DOG BARKS)
Hang on, Artie! I know,
buddy, hang on
(GROANS)
- Shit.
- (BARKING CONTINUES)
I'm coming! That isn't gonna
(BARKING CONTINUES)
Just Don't poo on the rug!
(BIRD CAWS)
(WHINES)
Juliana.
Gran said you left a dead cat
in an esky at her front door.
Is that some kind of racist taunt?
No, oh, God, no. God, no.
No, it's not a cat,
it's a it's a possum.
Oh! It's a possum in an esky!
Oh, that's all right then.
That's not weird at all.
Yeah, I'm really sorry.
The bins were full.
But give it to me, I'll get rid of it.
There's a skip down the road.
- Where is it?
- It's gone.
- Gran burned it.
- Oh.
- Okay. Well, good result. Thanks, Minh.
- Mm.
Gran wants you out by Friday.
You're too much trouble.
But, no, I've got a
booking for two months.
Well, your booking is cancelled.
You can't cancel my booking.
Um I think I just did.
It's an Airbnb, Helen, there's no rules.
No rules? Yeah, okay, well,
how about I call the council
and say there's an old lady
having a backyard burn-off?
Will they just say, "That's okay, Helen,
"it's Airbnb, there's no
rules"? Don't think so.
- Mm. Get out.
- Oh, fine. I'll be out by Friday.
No. Get out now.
- (DOG WHINES)
- It'll be a week tops. Thanks, Dad.
- VIKTOR: For heaven's sake, Tony!
- (DOG BARKS)
No! No, no, no, no, no!
Helen, you come back here!
I have allergies! I've got allergies!
Naughty Viktor. Hello!
Thank you.
And you're definitely
okay if I stay here?!
Oh. Yep! Fine!
- Bye! Bye!
- Thank you!
- Man, you look tired.
- Yeah, well,
I've had a very stressful morning.
No, I mean like really tired.
I got kicked out of my Airbnb.
I had to leave all the stuff there
Ooh, Christ, you look like shit.
That's what I just said!
- Morning!
- Yes, I know! I look terrible!
Do you? You look like
you always look to me.
(SIGHS)
(PHONE BUZZES)
(BUBBLING)
Please, Gina, take a
very comfortable chair.
Would you like some tea?
Just water, thank you.
And maybe some butterscotch.
- What?
- Sorry, is that not a menu?
Gina, um
Hi.
You know the handover's not till 3:00?
- You're just a bit early Ooh.
- I've changed my mind.
It's too upsetting.
Mum needs to be able to look at the
urn and know that he's all there.
And he will be all there.
There's only gonna be like a ti
It's like a pinch is gonna be missing
Those missing ashes will
be a constant reminder
of this annus horribilis
the year some tramp stole her husband
and put his ashes in a snow globe.
Oh, well, hang on, we don't
know that's gonna happen.
Thanks, George. (SOFTLY)
Get some tissues.
I mean, she might get a tattoo
or she might lose them.
We don't know what's gonna Thanks.
- (WHISPERS) No, tissues in a box!
- (WHISPERS) We've run out.
Mum always thought
he'd come to his senses
and come home eventually,
- but then he he died!
- I know. I know.
- (CRIES)
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's all right, she's just a bit upset
'cause we're dividing
her dad's ashes today.
- No, we're not.
- (SOFTLY) Yes, we are.
Could you give us a minute?
Oh, I'm sorry. Me.
- Now
- (SIGHS)
we're going to calm down.
I'm gonna get you some tissues.
You do know that's not a toilet.
She said that my dad
- Yep.
- is gonna end up tattooed
I can assure you, Gina,
that is not going to happen.
Now, I want you to just take
a little minute. Hmm?
Thank you.
Okay, you know I can't control what
Kellie-Joy does with the ashes
once she gets them.
Well, then you'd better make
sure she doesn't get any ashes.
Roz? Roz?
I can't get up.
(SIGHS)
Thank you so much for
your patience, Gina.
We'll see you back here at 3:00.
See you at 3:00.
Really, Helen?
A beanbag?
And toilet paper?
What were you thinking?!
Yeah, I made some really bad choices.
I'm gonna go pick up my stuff,
but you owe me, Webmaster.
See? This is why I can't
take time off, Raymond.
Toilet paper and a beanbag. Good God!
Did someone take a crap on a beanbag?
Was it not labelled?
You might want to get onto that, Roz.
Oh, come on.
(TYRES SCREECH)
Alrighty. Ooh, good.
- Is that Alan Munster?
- Yep.
Great. I will take him.
And this is for you.
It's from the place downstairs.
- Thank you, George.
- Taste the deception.
All is forgiven. Uh
Did you get the deli meats and
the lavash for the meeting?
Sure did.
Close enough.
And I got this fancy cheeseboard.
Wow. You're a real cheese wizard.
- Thank you.
- And that is dead-fancy.
Bob's gonna love that. All right,
pop that in the meeting room.
I'll deal with Alan.
Cheese?
(SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)
(SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)
(TRAM BELL RINGS)
- Ugh don't you even speak to me!
- Don't panic, no, don't panic.
- Where is Roz?!
- No, don't tell
Don't' tell Roz, don't tell Roz.
I won't be paying my bill.
You promised me this wouldn't happen.
Gina, I am so sorry.
Helen, I thought you were
gonna sort this out.
- I did!
- You didn't.
You gave that woman five
grams of my father's ashes.
I gave that woman five grams of ashes.
I did not give her your father's ashes.
What?
Oh, my God, Helen, what have you done?
You said, "Helen, you better not
give that woman any of her ashes."
Yes. And I meant you had better
construct a solid legal argument
for not handing over any ashes.
Okay. Well, I realise that now.
At the time, it did
sound a lot more like,
"Helen, you better not give
her any of those ashes,
"if you know what I mean." Wink-wink.
Is that supposed to be me?
Okay, get ready to say,
"Well done, Helen,"
because that's not Dad.
(GASPS SOFTLY)
Here he is!
All of him!
But what what if she has
the ashes you gave her tested?
Oh, it doesn't matter, bone is bone.
- Bone?
- Oh, my God,
is that another person?
No, of course it isn't.
Sorry, can I just say? This is not
how I thought this was gonna go.
I genuinely thought everyone
would be really happy.
I mean there's your dad.
Every last gram of him. All for you.
You're welcome.
Good result.
Thank you, Roz. Finally.
Do I need to be worried?
Oh maybe.
George put it together, so I
don't know how stable it is.
About the ashes you gave Kellie-Joy.
No, I think we're good.
Human bone, animal bone
Animal? Oh, no, Fisk,
you didn't kill your cat?
I don't have a cat.
Anymore.
- It wasn't a cat.
- Was it a dog?
- It wasn't a
- You know what? I don't wanna know.
Guinea pig?
- Why do I even
- Don't tell me.
Don't make me complicit.
Was it a pigeon?
It wasn't a pigeon. Okay, you know what?
Let's just say if she
wants to get a tattoo,
she should get a possum,
a mangy one with a head wound.
Well, let's leave it at that.
- No, Helen! Don't drink that!
- (SCREAMS)
- Why not?!
- Oh, I got you this good coffee,
just from downstairs.