Flat TV (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

1 What are you doing?! It's two in the morning.
I turned the light off so I wouldn't disturb you.
You're hoovering sauce.
Yes, Tom, otherwise it's a waste.
Huh? Every time we through a bottle away, we're losing precious ketchup dregs.
Add it all up - that's like £6 billion a year.
You woke me up for this.
My first instinct was to blow up the bottle, but that's just creating more hoovering for myself.
Naz, this system solves nothing.
You suck the sauce out, it just goes in the Hoover bag.
I mean, what do you do with it then? Way ahead of you.
This is Flat News.
Flatmate and imbecile Naz has announced plans to invent a new sauce.
He joins us now in the studio.
Naz, what the hell are you doing? You know how passionate I am about sauce.
Yesterday, you downed a pint of Reggae Reggae.
Exactly, and that's why I'm introducing Mayonaz - the sauce that cares.
OK.
Mayonaz - lumpy, different.
What the hell are you saying? May the sauce be within your mouth.
The slogan needs work.
Still up in the air.
But I think this could be huge.
In a couple of months, you could be looking at the next Uncle Benjamin.
Perhaps even the new Colonel Mustard.
Mayonaz - go sauce yourself, you saucy little bitch.
Well, thanks for coming in.
Annoying neighbour Aoife is pestering me to replace her as the building's fire officer.
I've turned down the offer as it sounds like an annoying bullshit thing to do.
My time in the role has come to an end.
It's time to hand over the baton.
I'm not your guy, I hate fire.
Perfect.
Oh, I mean I love fire.
Even better.
Oh, go on.
You get a badge and keys to all the flats.
Don't forget the baton.
In live talk now, my technique for getting to know beautiful new next neighbour Sophie proves unsuccessful.
What are you listening to, Drake? What? Is it Drake? No, why? It's just Facebook says you like Drake.
Guess you shouldn't believe everything you read on Facebook.
So are you going to Chris' party next weekend? Well, Yeah! Do you know Chris? Yeah, we bump into each other every now and again.
Chris has been abroad for two years.
Has he? Yeah, she has.
Hmm.
It seems online stocking clearly isn't working.
Time to man up and try some off-line stalking.
Ahem.
Is sir ready for saucy time? Oh, God.
It's Nazterchef, where one amateur hopeful will try to make a sauce.
It's not about making A sauce, it's about making THE sauce.
But does he have what it takes to be dominant with a condiment? The thing about Naz is he's willing to cook with things other than food like rubber, magnets, shower gel, bits of wall.
Now, that's passion! Talk me through it, Naz.
This is a recipe that I made up.
So you're just putting sauce on top of another sauce and then throwing it all into a bowl without really thinking.
I like it.
Naz certainly knows what he's doing with sauce.
That's quite a lot of salt you're putting there.
Yeah.
I think he's going to go far.
I'm going to scoop that in.
Drizzle it on.
Shove a bit more in.
OK, fuck, yeah.
OK, that's not a foodstuff, is it, Naz? It's minty fresh! Tiny bit of mustard.
Yeah.
Look at that mustard.
You can smell it from here.
That is strong.
Can you smell that? I don't want to.
No? I love a bit of mustard.
I rub it on myself sometimes.
I'm covered in it right now.
And this is truffle oil.
Yeah.
But will he impress his flatmate? It would really mean the world to me if Tom liked my sauce.
And I'm pretty confident he will do.
Naz's source is a blend of other sauces, truffle oil, shower gel and Haribo.
Have you got a spoon, or? Um Maybe just use your hand.
I'm not doing that.
It's fine, I've brought my own.
As per.
Hmm, it shouldn't work and it doesn't work.
The sweetness of the Haribo contrasts terribly with the disgusting taste of everything else you've put in it.
It's the sort of flavour that makes you want to shoot yourself directly into the face.
I would throw it up, but I fear seeing it again might force me to set myself on fire and jump in front of a train in Tibet, where I've moved to get as far away as possible from your horrible, horrible sauce.
I like it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! My truffle oil.
Is that part of your secret recipe? It's a secret.
Tell me.
Yes.
This is elite oil.
It's made from very expensive truffles.
Tom, you're confused.
Truffles is a place.
It's not a place, Naz.
What is it, then? Um, doesn't matter.
You are not to mix it with shower gel to create this disgusting mess.
I don't care what you think, OK? Just get on a boat back to Truffles, or wherever it is your people come from.
Get off! You get off! Great.
Yeah! Nice.
Oh, Sophie's car.
That's her car.
Yeah! It doesn't matter because I'm going to get a second opinion.
I'm going to call Carl.
Sophie! Hold it! Need a hand? Yeah, I do, actually.
What are you up to? What are you into? What are you like? What are you up to? Oh! Oh, that's just unexplainable.
I thought you were just pleased to see me.
I am, just not sexually.
Erm Not that you wouldn't cause an Don't forget your erection.
It wouldn't be the first time.
Hmm? .
.
I've lost an erection I'll stop saying that now.
Shall we? Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, no, thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Marc Jacobs.
No, I'm Tom.
No, the bag.
Oh, it's heavy.
It's because it's got all my secrets in it.
Bye! Breaking news.
Sophie says her handbag contains all her secrets, which means surely if I can just see its contents, I'll get to know the real her.
Yo, you sounded down on the phone.
Tom said it was the worst thing he's ever tasted.
It can't be that bad! Wang it here.
What do you think? That's bad.
Tom's right, I'm I'm such a failure.
I feel like a boob.
No, man, you can't judge a sauce by its taste.
Hmm? Mustard by itself is bad.
Put it on some steak, it's baaad.
Vinegar on its own is sick.
Put it on some chips, it's siiick.
You get me?! Let's try it with pizza.
Mmmmm! Ohhhh! Oh, shit! Oh, yeah! Naz! Mmm! Naz! Oh! Naz! Waay! This is the nicest thing I've ever tasted.
Oh! And I ain't even lying.
It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's having a really nice pizza.
Oh, the sweet nectar stirs within me, like the spirit of Dionysus himself - who revels with his saucy nymphs as the flavour consumes him with zesty burn.
That'll be the shower gel.
You've created some new type of sauce.
Pizza Mustard.
Pizza Mustard.
Pizza Mustard - from Mayonaz.
Sauce up your day and then put it on your pizza.
Maybe work on the slogan.
Yeah, it does need work.
Look, listen, listen.
My boss is going to love this.
Can you make some more? Because he'll pay.
Yeah, I can.
Nectar of the gods.
Nectar of the gods! Yeah! Thanks, man.
Mayonaz, just fucking eat it.
Maybe outsource the slogan.
Uh, mate, about the rent.
Oh, that's a bad smell.
You're smelling real bad, boy.
Oh-ho! Are you on Sophie's Instagram? What do you want? The rent.
Well, I'm sorry, Mikey, I'm a little bit busy here.
Now you're Googling how to look into a handbag.
And? Thank you, thank you.
Oh, lively gang today.
So we're talking about Sophie's bag.
Ladies, what do you think of Sophie? Oh, I love Sophie.
I love her.
How can you not? She's looks lovely, doesn't she? I think that her in Tom would make a lovely couple.
I do.
I do think that.
I've got a bag and I carry things in it to the shops and to pick up the kids and to please my man.
Another thing, ain't men stupid? But, also, I love men.
So we all think Tom and Sophie would make a lovely couple.
There they are, together at last.
Oh, ain't that nice?! Oh, that is lovely, them two together.
Oh, that's a bit much.
If I got my hands on Tom, I'd ruin him.
He's all bony and beaky.
Now, we think Tom needs to look inside Sophie's bag to get to know the real her.
But, ladies, how's he going to do that? Well, she goes jogging all the time and she don't go with her bag.
I mean, who jogs with a bag? Oh, I think Paula Radcliffe has to now to clean up after herself.
Oh, naughty! So you're saying Tom should break into Sophie's flat when she goes jogging.
Is that OK? Yeah! Yeah.
Yeah, it is OK, isn't it? Seems all right by me.
Totally fine, not weird at all.
So, Tom's breaking into Sophie's flat.
How's he going to do that? The new fire officer.
And you mentioned keys to all the flats.
Oh, yeah, there you go.
Oh, lovely.
That's it.
Yeah.
Six years, you know? I'd love to continue but A vote's a vote! There's some bad blood between me and number eight.
Yeah.
What a time.
Yeah.
So many memories.
So many fires.
The next generation.
Aww! Oh! Oh! Ha-ha! Do the badge proud and never forget the three Ps of being in fire office.
Prevent, protect and promise not to break into flats.
Ha-ha! I won't promise to do that.
Guess what? Your sauce is radioactive and you're now infertile? My hearing's fine, thanks.
Carl's boss wants to buy my sauce.
Mayonaz is going to be famous.
Mmm, what a tasty sauce! Doesn't work! Forget the slogan - I invented a new sauce.
What have you done today? Well, as it happens I'm the new fire officer.
Aoife picked you? Dammit! Yes, sir, she did.
I got a badge and a baton, a fat old wodge of keys.
I take my responsibilities very seriously.
It is my solemn duty to Oh, Sophie's jogging.
I'm going to break into her flat.
Whatever! Soon I'm going to be in my sauce mansion on top of the Hollywood sign in America.
Except now it'll say "Mayonaz!" Thank you, Mikey, I needed that.
It's a bit milky, though.
You can go now.
Naz has to make a fresh batch of sauce before pizza guy Carl finishes his shift.
Oh! But without Tom's truffle oil, he's had to improvise.
It's certainly stickier than the last one.
You've ruined your apron, you plum.
Naz's second batch is a blend of other sauces, Haribo, shower gel and brake fluid.
It tastes too Brake fluidy? It's missing an ingredient.
This is not Mayonaz.
Dammit.
Tom's truffle oil! But you'll never make it to Truffles and back in time.
Tom's got it! But where is he? When he hears the fire bell chime Fireman Tom commits a trespass crime Fireman Tom.
Yes! Yes! Oh, the bag! What are you doing in here? You're trespassing.
Where is your truffle oil? Oh, you're not getting it, so just go away! Oh! Oh, my Tom! Hello.
Why are you in my flat? I'm the new fire officer.
Aoife picked you? Yeah, so I'm just doing some checks for fire.
Checks.
Remember the three Ps - Project, prevent and Erm, the two Ps.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look at my badge! Look at that! And my baton.
Got one of these You carry a lot of phallic objects.
Yeah, well, tell me about it.
I carry one all the time.
Erm What would be great, Soph, is if you could get the fire regulations instructions document that we're all provided with.
You know the fire document? Do you have that fire document? Erm We really need the document.
That fire You know the paperwork, yeah? Yeah, well, I'll go have a look.
Have a little rummage.
(She's throwing shoes at me.
) Tom! When was the last time you flameproofed your arch? Erm, because the arch is a very flammable shape.
The flames, kind of, congregate It's technical.
Would my tenancy agreement be OK? Yeah! Get that.
OK.
(Where is the truffle oil?!) (Go away!) (Your flirting is making me sick.
) (Not as sick as your sauce made me.
) Oh, no! What?! What?! Tom! Is this it? Hello.
Oh, making yourself comfortable on my new chair? Is it new? It was imported from Italy.
Ha! That's it, is it? Good.
Well, just There we go.
OK.
I'm going to read through this thoroughly.
Does it smell weird in here? Dot the I's and cross of the t's.
It's kind of like a minty Haribo.
I've also got to dot the j's and cross the f's.
Because if you don't cross an F, it can look like an L - and you can get into all sorts of difficulties.
Or dillicufties - if you get it wrong.
OK, I'm going to have a shower.
So You can just let yourself out.
Absolutely, yeah, I will do that.
OK.
Yeah.
Bye! (I'm stuck to the chair!) Oh, it is quite sticky.
Oh, Naz! You've got to buy me some time.
Erm Oh, set off the fire alarm.
What about the oil de truffle? Oh, I gave it to Mikey! OK.
But, please, set off the fire alarm first, yeah? I will definitely do that.
Mikey, did Tom give you something to hide? Yep, he gave me the truffle oil and told me to hide it down my trousers.
Which I didn't do.
It's under the sink.
You stink.
Agggh! Aggghhhhhrrhh! This is certainly classic Mayonaz.
Well done.
The bitterness OK, I've got to go.
Oh! Mmmmm.
Yes! You're still here.
Yes.
Annoyingly, yes.
There's been some complications.
What complications? Tom? Yeah, I was just thinking of what the complications were.
Oh, come on, work! Fire? So? Fire.
What? There's a fire.
Fire? In the building.
Yeah, you've got to evacuate.
Yes, see, a fire! A real fire! I told you! Go! Go! Evacuate! Go! What about you? Well, a fire officer must go down with his building.
But my stuff! No, no, no time for that.
Oh, oh, time for that! But leave all personal possessions! Ah, OK! No, leave them a little bit closer! I understand I'm not the official fire officer but please pay attention.
Has anyone seen anything hot and orange? Second, has anyone seen the document that's supposed to go on this clipboard? Oh, what took you so long? Apparently the only way to set fire alarms off is to head-butt them.
Try this, it tastes amazing.
No way! Get your fingers out of my mouth.
There are no words.
That's the slogan! Mayonaz - get your fingers out my mouth.
Naz, I take it all back.
Your sauce is amazing! Oh, it's It's nothing.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes, Nazzy! Quick, we've not got much time before the fire alarm Shh, the fire alarm's stopped.
I know.
I realise this fire is an inconvenience.
I myself was supposed to be taking my nephew to Thorpe Park today.
Do not return to the site of a blaze! Oh, Tom, people are coming back in.
Ah, we've got to stop them! Quickly! Naz, help me, mate! Please! When he hears the fire bell chime Aggh! It's so sticky! Keep going, Naz! Keep going! Fireman Tom commits a trespass crime.
Do you smell smoke? Oh, that's just the fire.
Huh?! I started a fire so that people wouldn't come back in.
What?! Agggrrrh! When he hears a fire bell chime Agggrrrh! Fireman Tom commits an arson crime Fireman Tom! I thought you were ready.
I was wrong.
I'm available.
No! Marc Jacobs.
It's ruined.
Oh! Do you think this is funny? You guys, you're all the same.
You know, you think one's nice and then something like this happens.
You know, you lie and you scheme and in the end I'm the one left standing, like, getting dumped at a Drake concert.
So you do like Drake? Coming up Tom finally sees in Sophie's bag.
Eh Mike focuses on recovery.
How does brake fluid just disappear? Mayonaz becomes huge in Japan.
Pizza Mustard! But only in Naz' head as it's revealed as a toxic hallucinogen.
Pizza Mustard! Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo.
This is Flat News.
Pizza Mustard! Ahhh! Hee!