Flight of the Conchords s01e02 Episode Script

Good news, man.
Got some groceries.
- Really? - Yeah, I got some good stuff.
Think you'll like that.
- A sandwich? - Yeah.
That looks good.
- Some jam looks good.
- Mmm.
That looks quite good as well.
This is great.
How did you afford this? Um, oh it was free.
- Free? - Yeah.
- How come it was free? - Eh? I found it.
It was on the street.
Someone didn't want it.
What are you doing, man? That's a good sandwich.
I was gonna spit it out, but I think I'll just eat it.
We're poor, man.
We are poor, aren't we? # Inner-city life, inner-city pressure # # The concrete world is starting to get ya # # The city is alive, the city is expanding # # Living in the city can be demanding # # You've pawned everything, everything you own # # Your toothbrush jar and a camera phone # # You don't know where you're going, you cross the street # # You don't know why you did, you walk back across the street # # Standing in the sitting room totally skint # # And your favorite jersey is covered in lint # # You want to sit down but you've sold your chair # # So you you just stand there # # You just stand there # # Just stand there! # # Inner inner-city # # Inner-city pressure # # Inner-city pressure # # Counting coins on the counter of the Seven-11 # # From a quarter past 6:00 to a quarter to 7:00 # # The manager, Bevan, starts to abuse me # # Hey, man, I just want some muesli # # Neon signs, hidden messages # # Questions, answers, fetishes # # You know you're not in high finance # # Considering secondhand underpants # # Check your mind, how'd it get so bad? # # What happened to those other underpants you had? # # Look in your pockets, haven't found a cent yet # - # Landlord's on your balls # - # Have you paid your rent yet? # # Inner inner-city # # Inner-city pressure # # Inner-city pressure # # Inner inner-city # # Inner-city pressure # # Inner-city pressure # # So you think maybe you'll be a prostitute # # Just to pay for your lessons, you're learning the flute # # Ladies wouldn't pay you very much for this # # Looks like you'll never be a concert flautist # # You don't measure up to the expectation # # When you're unemployed there's no vacation # # No one cares, no one sympathizes # # You just stay home and play synthesizers # # Inner-city pressure # # Inner-city pressure # # Inner inner-city # # Inner-city pressure # # Inner-city pressure # # Inner inner-city # # Inner-city pressure # # Inner-city pressure.
# - Murray.
- Oh, guys.
What are you doing here? This is not a scheduled band meeting.
Are you busy? I'm just reading about the old toothbrush fence.
Pretty impressive, huh? Murray, we need some money.
Okay.
How much? I got about $4 in here.
$4? I thought we had $10? This box cost $6.
- What was wrong with the bag? - The bag was useless, Bret.
It had a great big hole in it.
Must have lost about $20 out of that bag.
It's the box now.
Do you like it? I chose it.
Well, can we have the $4? Well, there'll be nothing in the box.
Here's the $4.
I got 27 ¢ here.
Yeah.
That's it.
That's the lot of it.
Actually, I'm owed Hang on, let's have a look.
Okay, 51.
24 cents.
- We can't even divide - Just leave it.
- You take it all.
- Maybe a quarter.
Look, I tell you what, I feel bad.
I haven't got you paid gigs for a while.
Here you go.
Take this.
$50.
You can't give us your own money.
Well, yeah, you're right.
It is my last $50.
Till Thursday, I mean, you know.
- Getting paid again, but - Have we sold any T-shirts? - Two.
- What about mousepads? - No.
- Haven't sold any mousepads? I told you terrible idea.
I don't know what to do with them.
I've got so many mousepads at home because of your bad idea, Bret.
What do you do with mousepads? I've lined Toby's kennel with them.
He keeps eating them.
I tried to waterproof the kitchen.
Well, we need some cash.
Maybe you guys should think about supplementing your band income by getting another job, like I do with this job.
Murray, the prime minister's office wants to talk to you about the World Trade Expo next week.
Can you tell them I'll ring them straight back? I've just got a couple of businessmen here.
Everybody knows you manage a band during office hours, Murray.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Greg.
I wear that T-shirt all the time.
Greg, we've still got mousepads, actually.
No thanks, Murray.
See? Hopeless.
The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction.
Now, does that sound like something you can do? Sounds like something a lamppost could do.
- That's all.
- You know what? You're sign material.
This guy overthinks things.
Okay? You can't overthink in this business.
You cannot.
What if a wind comes and blows it away? You ever think of that, Enrico Fermi? Oh we can hold it.
It won't be a problem.
You have the right attitude.
You have what I like to call the wrong attitude.
# All the hotties at the party # # Shaking all of your booties # # Yeah.
# Jemaine, I need to go to sleep now.
Bret, do you think it should be, "Shake their booties, yeah," or "Shake their boobies, yeah"? 'Cause when I think of shake your booties, I think of those little boots that babies wear.
You know, those little woolen boots that they wear.
You know, babies wear those little woolen boots.
- Yeah.
- Like shake your booties.
I don't know, man.
I've got work in the morning.
I need to go to sleep.
I can't believe you got that job and I didn't.
You need to work on your people skills.
Yeah, shut up, Bret.
- Hey, man.
- Oh, hey, Bret.
I bought the chairs back off of Dave.
You're kind of late for band practice.
Sorry, man, we had some after work drinks with Eddie.
Yeah, well you could have told me, so Should we do some more practice? Bret, it's 7:00.
I've been practicing for four hours.
Well, what are you doing now? Well, it's my free time now.
I'm gonna do some of my leisure activities.
I'm gonna sit down over there for a bit and then I'm gonna do some light reading.
Well, if it's your free time, let's do some more practice.
You could have practiced too, if you were here, but you weren't, so sorry.
- What are you doing? - I'm just, you know, sitting down.
It's my free time.
I can do whatever I like.
This is what I like to do.
- Hello, Bret.
- What are you guys doing here? - Emergency band meeting.
- I'm working.
This is my work.
You're not working, you're just holding a sign.
- Public foot path.
- This is my work.
Get out of here.
Come on, band meeting.
- Bret.
- Present.
- Jemaine.
- Present.
Murray, present.
And good news anyway.
The Trade and Migrant Expo, it's been okayed.
New Zealand wants you to be in their stall.
What's the Trade and Migrant Expo? Well, they're stalls from all the different countries of the world.
And the Australians, as always, have got their stall right next to the New Zealand stall.
But this year, with you guys playing, we're gonna blow those Aussies out of the water.
I can't wait.
Bloody showoffs.
- When is that? - Uh, Thursday 3:00 P.
M.
No, I can't go.
I've got work.
- I finish at 2:00.
I don't know.
- You got to go, it's a gig.
What's more important? The band or your job? Yeah well, I got the job 'cause we didn't have any gigs.
How can I give you a gig if you've got this job? Yeah, but that's why I got the job 'cause there were no gigs.
Well, I can't get you a gig if you're gonna always go and do a job.
Yeah, but that's I needed the job 'cause there were no gigs.
Well, I've got you a gig, so what's with the job? Yeah, but that's that the thing.
I got the job because there were no gigs, man.
It's a chicken-egg situation.
What do you mean? What's what's he mean, chicken? Well you know, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" That's irrelevant, isn't it? It's stupid.
The chicken, obviously.
Well, where did the chicken come from? Well, it came from the - Oh.
- You see, the egg.
You're the egg.
You're a bad egg, all right? You've derailed this meeting with another obscure comment.
Well, I could just record my part on tape, I guess, and Jemaine could play along.
Tape? A cassette tape? No, you can't do that, Bret.
I'm not happy with that.
Those hot dogs any good? - Yeah, they're good.
- How much? - $2.
- How many sauces? Two.
You'd expect three sauces for that, wouldn't you? I got to get back to work, guys.
And folks, please, I'm sorry about the particles.
Don't breathe 'em in.
We don't know what they are.
I would suggest quick, short breaths.
Now, Georgina, I'm gonna give you "Jewelry Sale," okay? I'm gonna put you at Broadway and Canal.
Now this is basic stuff, okay? You know this.
Bret, I'm gonna give you something a little harder.
All right? "Men's Suits.
" Okay? Now, Matthew, I want you to hold the sign just like Bret.
- Bret, how are you holding it? - I'm just holding it.
Exactly just holding.
Coco, you're late.
Actually, Bret, you know what? I'm gonna give you "Phones," all right? I want you to show Coco the ropes.
Coco, this is Bret.
All right, everybody, really look alive out there.
This could be a launching pad for you.
People who hold signs go on to hold many things.
I'm in a band.
Cool.
What's your name again? - Bret.
- Brit? Bret.
- Brit? - Bret.
Brit like like Brittany? Ah, no, B-R-E-T.
- Oh, Bret.
- Yeah.
It just sounds like Brit.
I like your English accent.
- New Zealand.
- Oh, from New Zealand.
- Yeah.
- I hear it's beautiful.
There's Vikings there, right? Eh, yeah.
I had a friend who went there, she loved it.
She's a she's a big "Lord of the Rings" fan.
Oh my God.
She's so hot.
She's so flippin' hot.
She's like a curry.
I want to tell her how hot she is but she'll think I'm being sexist.
She's so hot she's making me sexist.
Bitch.
I think I need a 1983 Casio DG-20 electric guitar set to electric mandolin.
Some drums.
Yeah.
Hear me now! # I see you with the sign, I wanna boom like it's never been done # # Bust moves like the click boom of a gun # # My feet stay locked and my eyes are zooming # # My feet start tweaking and my body's booming # # The first day of boom and the flowers are blooming # # Bootie-boom bass and the party is booming # # Boom-ba-boom like a rocket taking off to the moon # # Boom boom like a bride and a boom-a # # I see you shaking that boom boom # # See you looking at my boom boom # # See you want some boom boom # # It's clear, it's boom time, boom boom # # Let me buy you a boom boom # # You order a fancy boom # # You like boom and I like boom # # Enough small boom, let's boom the boom-a # Fast forward selector! # Now we're rolling on a boom boom # # I ride into a more private boom # # And we both watch boom and we both assume # # We're gonna boom boom boom till the break of boom-a # - # Who's the boom king? # - # Who? # - # I'm the boom king # - # What? # - # Who's the boom king? # - # Tell me now # - # I'm the boom king # - # He's the boom king # # My phone is beeping, it's me boom boom # # He's back from 10 years doom and gloom # # He said he had his boom chopped off in the boom # # But the crazy boom still loves to boom-a # # Unzip the boom and my legs go zoom # # And you big boom drops, ba-doop-a-boom boom # # We both get freaky and my boom gets leaky # # Then we boom boom boom boom boom boom boom # # Who's the boom king? # - # Who? # - # I'm the boom king # - # What? # - # Who's the boom king? # - # Ha! # - # I'm the boom king # # Bret's the boom king.
# Come to New Zealand.
Beautiful scenery.
It's like "Lord of the Rings.
" We've got interesting attractions a toothbrush fence.
Imagine that, a whole fence made out of toothbrushes.
Over 50 toothbrushes.
Bungee jumping.
You like bungee jumping, sir? New Zealand.
New Zealand.
Yeah, keep hold onto that.
Cheer up, Greg.
Jemaine Where's Bret? Is there any sign of him? I'm running out of attractions.
No.
L I don't know where he is.
Well, tuck your shirt in.
You look messy.
Try and be proud of New Zealand.
Oh no.
Hey, Murray.
- How you doing? - Maxwell, good.
- Stall looks great.
- Thanks.
This fence of toothbrushes sounds fascinating.
Probably haven't got one in Australia, have you? - No.
- No.
Got Ayer's Rock, mate.
Big huge rock.
- Yeah, we've got rocks.
- Massive.
We've got a big smaller rocks.
When's this band of yours playing? Can't wait to hear it.
Pretty soon.
We're just waiting for the rest of the band to turn up.
Right.
Just 'cause we've got the Wet N' Wild Welcome Girls doing their bikini barbeque thing and the music's gonna be pumping.
I don't want to drown out your band.
- Better start soon.
- Check, check one two.
Check one two.
Checking one two, one We'd better just start.
Forget Bret.
G'day.
G'day, one two I have to rewind it.
Is this your band, Murray? A guy and a tape? Classic.
- Press play.
- I'm trying, man.
- Drop the beat.
- One two three four.
# All the hotties at the party feeling naughty # # Shake your boobies, yeah # # Who likes to rock the party? # # All the ladies with the babies # # Make your babies shake their booties yeah # # Who likes to rock the party? # # Who likes to rock the party? # # Who likes to rock the party? # # Who likes to rock the party? # # Who likes to rock the party? # # Who likes to rock the party? # # I like to rock the party # # New Zealand likes to rock the party.
# Yeah! All right.
- Awesome.
- Yes! - That was awesome, Jemaine.
- Thank you.
Blew the Aussies right out of the water.
The tape was great.
Oh no.
Oh come on! Guys.
Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Have you done the gig? - Yes, Bret.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It took me ages to get here.
- Well the tape was on time.
- Good.
How'd it sound? - It was all right? - Good.
- Really good, actually, yeah.
- Okay.
There's very little difference between you and the tape, I noticed.
- Oh whatever, Murray.
- And it doesn't talk back.
Yeah, but the tape's lifeless, isn't it? It's a tape.
It's not like having a real musician up there, is it? Hey, Jemaine? I didn't really notice the difference.
The difference is the tape didn't let us down, all right? It made it, it played well.
And the more I think about it, the more I like it.
I've got a right mind to actually fire you, Bret, and just keep Jemaine and the tape.
- Aw, yeah, you're bluffing, Murray.
- I'm not bluffing.
- Yes you are.
- I'm not! - Yes you are.
- He is.
He is.
He told me he was going to pretend to fire you if you were late.
Good one.
Yeah, I was going to.
- So you were bluffing? - Yeah, but I'm not now.
This is the whole I've turned around.
I'm afraid to say, Bret, that you are you got the check the tape? Yep.
- What, are you serious? - You're fired.
And both of you I'm not giving you a lift home.
- Oh, why me? - No, 'cause you ruined my bluff.
The whole bluff thing.
Goodbye, Bret.
There's other attractions.
Check out the Indian one.
Thank for giving us a ride, Mel and Doug.
Anytime.
Hey, Bret, are you are you all right? I noticed you weren't onstage and there was a tape and Yeah, I'm not in the band anymore, Mel.
Murray just fired me.
What do you mean, you're not in the band? Did you hear that, Doug? Yeah.
It's terrible.
It is terrible, Doug.
It's terrible! My God.
Can Murray do that? - No.
- Yeah.
Well, all your fans are gonna be devastated.
- There's just you, Mel.
- Yeah.
- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.
What are you gonna do, Bret? - What I mean - Well I guess just concentrate on my job holding signs.
It's going pretty well.
Oh yeah, I've seen you.
I've seen you a lot.
You really know how to move that sign.
You just manipulate it and caress it with your skillful hands.
Thank you very much, Mel.
Yeah, thank you.
You're welcome.
You were good tonight, Jemaine.
Oh thank you, Mel.
Way better than those Australian girls in their bikinis.
- I didn't like them.
- Oh, I liked them.
- I hated them.
- Mmm.
So is it just gonna be you and the tape for a bit? Yeah, actually we've got a we've got a gig.
- Oh, you got a gig? - What, a real gig? Yeah yeah, uh a guy a guy saw us and wants to book us.
Well, I'll be there.
You bet your ass I'll be there.
I'll be at every one.
Oh, man.
The car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh, guys? Just Just here, thanks, Doug.
- What? - Where? - Here? - Anywhere.
This was a good day, yeah.
Okay, so how else is the tape better than Bret? More compact.
Bret's pretty compact, though.
I can carry the tape.
Just carry it around with me.
You could carry Bret.
How much can you press? Not to a gig.
I couldn't carry him to a gig.
I can just put this into my pocket and just carry it to a gig.
- More compact.
- Mmm.
That'll save money on subway fares, too.
- Do you miss Bret, though? - Not really.
- You don't miss him? - No.
- No? - No.
You miss him? - A little bit.
- A little bit, eh? I miss him.
I might put that down as a - Yeah, put "miss him.
" as a thing.
Yeah.
Well, no matter which way you look at it, the tape's still winning.
- Make sure you don't lose it.
- I won't.
Don't stand next to any big magnets.
Why would I stand next to big magnets, Murray? I don't know what you do in your personal life.
So that's it.
You've got the tape, haven't you? - Yeah, I got the tape.
- Let's see it.
I got the tape, I told you.
- Let's have a look.
- I've got it in my pocket.
I just want to see it.
Oh, careful! Now look what you've done.
- It's caught on my zipper.
- Yeah, leave it.
- Leave it, careful.
- It's all right.
- It's just caught on my zipper.
- Wait, it's all right.
I've got a trick here from the '80s, look.
Mmm.
Does this mean I'm not in a band anymore? I'm afraid not, Jemaine.
Greg, could we get a couple of tissues in here? Greg? Chin up, Jemaine.
Actually, don't worry about it.
You don't want to see two grown men crying.
Go away, Greg.
Yeah.
Sue them.
Just sue them.
Oh oh, I got to go.
Hey, man.
Hey, Bret.
What's that thing in your ear? It's my Bluetooth brand.
Everyone has 'em around here.
It's a business thing.
You don't know what it is, do you? - Not really.
Do you know what it is? - No.
I think you use it with the phone.
Oh right, I see.
Oh yeah yeah, I see.
- Yeah yeah, that makes sense.
- Hey, Bret? I'm thinking of getting the band back together.
- Oh really? - Yeah.
I thought you were doing pretty well with the tape.
The tape's no replacement for you, man.
- Really? - No, it broke.
What about it? The original lineup you, me - You and me.
- I don't know, man.
Look at me.
I've changed.
I've grown up.
I've got a job.
I've got a career.
I drink coffee now.
Oh God, yuck.
I just don't I don't know if I can do it anymore.
I don't even know what you're talking about, man.
- Just join the band.
- No, I'm not joining the band.
- Join the band.
- I'm not joining the band.
- Join the band.
- No.
Free phones.
You've given up the dream, Bret! I've woken up.
I'll see you at home.
Okay, man.
Can you grab some milk? Yeah, well I'll see what I can do.
Yeah.
I've got a 5:00 and a 6:00.
I'll pencil you in.
Okay, yeah.
Bye.
Hey, man.
Hey.
What's that? Hamburger.
Looks amazing.
Are are you finished with that? - I haven't started.
- Oh.
Do you want to join the band? No.
What is that? How's the band going? Oh, I'm not in the band anymore.
- I had to quit.
- Really? Yeah.
They wanted me back but I'm just concentrating on signs and my career and everything, you know? Are you gonna start another band? No.
Probably not.
Bigger and better things.
Signs? Yeah.
I thought you loved signs? - Signs are okay.
- Yeah.
I prefer bands.
- You prefer bands? - Yeah, I love bands.
Oh you really? You just never Oh.
I'll see you later, Bret? Cool, yeah.
I'm back in the band.
I'm back in the band! I'm back in the band.
Hey, back in the band! Back in the band! Back in the band.
Put the cat down.
We can't afford it.
I'm back in the band.
Back in the band! Back in the band! It's been a very difficult decision, because many of you are very talented, all right? - Some of you are too talented.
- Hey.
Josh, is it? In the back there.
High scores but a little arrogant, all right? But it's not about talent.
Okay? It's about the look.
That's why we've decided to give the job to Brent.
All right, well done.
It's not about talent, as I say.
You're not the talented one.
But you do look very similar.
And with one letter difference, it's quite easy to just do the transition there.
Hang on.
Bret, is that you? What are you doing here? You have no business here.
I wanted to get back in the band.
Well, if you'd turned up half an hour ago you could have been at the audition.
It's too late.
- Brent's in the band.
- What about your job? Well, Eddie says I can make the job fit around the gigs.
So He wants to support the band as much as possible, actually.
He made us this sign.
Wow.
"Hot Dogs.
" OH, NO THAT ONE.
THAT ONE.
Oh wow, that's fantastic.
It's really great.
You know, Jemaine really missed you.
- No I didn't.
- You did.
No I didn't.
- You did.
- You you did.
- No, you're like - He did.
No, a little bit.
You could see that you were Both we both missed you.
Oh, um, sorry everyone.
Ah, bad news, guys.
This is Bret.
He's gonna take the position.
So, yeah, that's it, I guess.
- What about Brent? - Yeah, Brent, um sorry.
Uh, we'll keep your number on file.
The rest of you, thanks a lot.
Have a good day.
And yeah, welcome back, Bret!