FM (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

Toyah.
Toyah Willcox.
How can you not have heard of Toyah Willcox? She was the high princess of big-wigged ping pong pop.
Listen.
Toyah.
That sounds like a Japanese car.
It's A Mystery? No? And this is the bird you fancy, yeah? I don't fancy her.
I just think that she's very talented.
We interviewed her once.
She gave me her number.
- She gave you her number? - Well, she an invoice on headed notepaper and it had her number on the top.
- So, technically - You stole it.
Is that how you pick up women? You can't get a girlfriend.
What? I can get a girlfriend, douche.
one? - I had a l collect girlfriends like stamps.
What was your last one called, Penny Black? Did you just make a rare stamp joke? - ls she a lesbian? - No.
She's not a lesbian.
She just looks like a lesbian, because it's the 80s.
.
Simon Le Bon looked like a lesbian in the 80s - Who? - Are you kidding me? Simon-Le-Bloody-Bon? This is turning into a joke.
Let's play some music.
This is the Dirty Pretty Things with Bang Bang You're Dead, it is dedicated to my missing co-presenter Mrs Dominic Cox.
Where the hell are you Dom Cox? This is it.
He has so crossed the line.
I'm gonna rip his cock off.
- Maybe he's dead.
- If he isn't, I'm going to kill him.
- Sorry.
- Where the hell have you been? Fuck! No more booze.
What? You can't stop me from drinking.
That's like stopping Picasso from painting.
Or Jennifer Lopez from making perfume.
Dom, it's not on.
Tell him, Lindsay.
What are you doing? I'm trying to figure out when Grace and I split up.
Can you not, and can you back me up when I try to discipline your idiot co-host for messing up our show.
She's right, I had Ades as my co-host tonight.
I spent 20 min try to convince him that Leonard Cohen wasn't in Star Trek.
Tomorrow morning, I'm booking you into Addiction Support.
I'm not addicted.
I like alcohol.
I like Christmas.
Doesn't mean I have to watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Too much Christmas doesn't mean you wake up on a ferry in the Irish Sea.
You're addicted.
- That's rich coming from you.
Your fag intake is solely responsible for the UK not meeting its emissions targets.
You need cigarettes to function.
I need booze.
- I function without cigarettes.
- Bollocks.
Bollocks.
Like the time when you said, "I'm giving up sex", and two days later, you shag some bloke in the disabled toilet at Selfridses.
He was a pilot.
Or when you were gonna give up meat and had a peperami for breakfast.
Peperami is not proper meat.
I give up the booze if you give up the fags.
Fine.
Not a problem.
- Fine.
- Fine! Nothing.
I have to go back to last year's diary.
20 months.
It has been 20 months since Grace and I split up.
It took the NASA Phoenix Lander ten months to get to Mars.
I could have been to Mars and back in the time I've not had a girlfriend.
So? Why do you want a girlfriend for? Girlfriends are for gays.
You're desperate.
Women can smell that.
- You've got a rapey-eye thing going on.
- Thanks for clearing that up.
- That's great.
Wank more.
Release the tension.
I don't think it's possible.
I hardly ever stop.
I'm actually bored of masturbation.
- Keep things interesting.
A relationship with oneself is like any relationship.
You've got to work at it.
Keep it fresh, try new things.
- Have a wank on the bus.
- This is why I get taxis everywhere.
Sometimes I use two hands.
a threesome.
T minus 2 hours, 45 minutes until the Wombats, baby.
Dan's bringing his homebrew.
Shame you won't be able to have any.
Jane please, can't we start this whole thing tomorrow? Sorry, but in T-2 h 38, you're attending your first Addiction Support class.
Last night's show went pretty well.
My cousin Jermaine said me and you got a rapport.
I could get my own slot going on.
We could call it Band Ades, where I meet the band and tell them what's good and shit about their music.
Then later on we move on to Live Ades.
Those are all great ideas.
- Where are you going? - You're going with him? trust him.
Yeah, I'm going.
A room full of weeping Glaswegians? - And vulnerable women.
How vulnerable? Then the wife left and took the kids and the TV.
And not long after that, I lost the house.
Tough one.
A good friend of mine is down there.
I'm here to support him.
A shoulder.
Are you here with a boyfriend or? - Sister.
- Excellent.
Excellent.
Bloody addiction.
What a pain in the arse.
I feel so sorry for them, the addicts.
Apart from the sex addicts.
Wouldn't mind a bit of that myself.
Those guys look like they're having a good time.
Love is the drug.
Although it can be hard to got a good fix these days.
I mean, most women I meet are covered with bacon, soda and talcum powder.
- Sorry, I'm not quite sure what you - Not you.
You seem like you are pure Florida snow.
The kind that Colombians keep for themselves.
I find that offensive.
My sister lost custody of her two children due to her drug addiction.
I just feel so pathetic.
Great.
Well done, Steven.
OK.
Maybe one of our new friends could share something with us.
What? My name's Dom, and I like a drink.
Sorry, but aren't you that guy off the radio? Yeah.
I'm a DJ.
OK, look I'm not saying I drink too much, but if I was cremated, it'd take 'em three weeks to put out the fire.
Seriously, right? I was at this gig once.
I'm sure that you're all familiar with Guns N'Roses guitar legend Slash? - Oh, my God.
- What? I think I have verbal polio.
I should be in one of these groups.
Hello, my name is Lindsay Carol and I am addicted to cocking up with women.
You're not addicted.
You're just a dick.
- You don't think this will work? - No, of course not.
It's time Dom grew up, took things more seriously.
Brilliant.
Next time, I'm going to tell them about the time Justin Hawkins set his legs on fire.
I can't help but feeling you're missing the point of Addiction Support.
Dom, you mad bastard.
homebrew? - No, it's all right I'll pass.
- You all right? I just drank a whole litre of milk, so maybe later.
- Who's that? - That's our manager, Jess.
- Anyone fancy going for a fag? - Yeah.
Jane? Fag? Oh, yeah.
- Hey, there.
- Oh, hey.
You must be Lindsay.
- Lovely to meet you.
Lovely to meet you.
Welcome to our humble studio.
Hey Linds, sorry.
I left the yoga mat.
- Hows it going? I'm Topher.
- Jess.
Nice to meet you.
It's a cool jacket, do you ride? Yeah.
I've got a Honda CBR 600.
- That's a nice bike.
- I know.
I've got a Kawasaki Ninja, but I don't get to take her out very much.
She's more of a racing bike.
Anyways, I leave you guys to it.
Nice to meet you, Jess.
And take care, champ.
- Who's he? - Topher Kiefer, one of the DJs here.
Bit full of himself, isn't he? - It's A Mystery.
- I know.
Embarrassing ringtone.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, my God.
Have you met this girl? She's amazing.
She loves Toyah, hates Topher.
She's perfect.
Easy, Glenn Close.
What did I say about being desperate? - You look like a dog at a dinner table.
- I can't help myself.
It's when I see a pretty girl, I turn into Gareth Gates.
You've got to play it cool, you know? Make her come to you.
You've got to neg her.
- I've got to what her? - Neg her.
- She'd like that? - Yeah.
Women love a challenge.
- OK.
Let's do it.
- Sorry about that.
You should be.
- Whats going on with the dress? - What? I like vintage, but some things went out of fashion for a reason.
Excuse me? Lindsay's suffering from quite a serious head injury.
So, do you want to go find the guys? And I'll see you in a sec.
- Negging her.
but ruding.
What's the difference? Why do you think I am attracted to guys who have girlfriends? You can't bear to see two people happy? It's because they're unattainable.
You're trying too hard.
Be yourself.
Or a slightly cooler, more eloquent, less annoying, not as needy version of yourself.
So, not myself, then.
So, Linds, I just spoke to Jermaine, and he had this idea for a new feature, where I open the show.
We call it First Ades.
- That's a great idea.
Talk to Jane.
- Yeah? Everything OK? Yes.
Sorry.
The ex.
- We're just fighting over the cat.
- It's hard.
- You get so attached, don't you.
I hate it, miserable little fucker.
got this look on its face like I've pissed in its Kitekat.
Why buy a kitten as a present? I hate cats.
Cats are game players, man.
They're all strokey and purry when you're at home.
You're like: "Let's go for a walk".
As soon as you're outside, they're gone, as if they're too embarrassed to be seen with you.
Cats are twats.
So, what about you? Do you have a girlfriend? The old girlfriend.
Yes.
- Been together long? - Four years.
- Pretty serious.
- It's pretty serious.
Yes.
What's her name? Toyah Wilkinson.
And you're happy? So blooming happy.
She's the one, I think.
And both her sisters are uglier than her.
So, that's a bonus.
- Right.
- Don't know why I mentioned that.
Well, I think she's a really lucky girl.
- Hey, Jane, can I have a word? - Not now.
- 2 seconds.
- I'm really not in the mood.
It's this thing called First Ades.
FUCK OFF! Sorry.
I need you to get me something.
I don't want to got you nothing .
You have to go.
You're the runner.
I put this way.
I ain't gonna be doing no running.
I'll be walking.
I took your advice.
You were so right.
I told her I had a girlfriend.
It was like flicking a switch.
One minute I was attainable and boring, the next You told her what? - I had a girlfriend.
Like you said.
- I didn't.
I said don't be desperate.
How can you go out with her It's like talking to Rain Man.
God.
Who pissed in your Kitekat? Which one of my stories is funnier? When I skinny-dipped in Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, - or when I punched the horse? - I always liked the horse one.
Horse.
No smoking! What the hell are you doing? - What the hell are you doing? - Nothing.
Sorry.
What's in the bag, Jane? - Tampons.
- You won't get away with it.
Show me.
Show me your tampons.
- Nicotine patches? I'm not smoking.
It's cheating.
It's like me having an intravenous vodka drip.
Take 'em off.
- ls that all? - Yes.
Take 'em off.
Take 'em off.
Dom, women tend to prefer it if you ask them nicely.
She's cheating.
Gambling Support? Help with Overeating? Dealing with bereavement? menus.
? No.
Maybe.
I've got a lot of bereavement to deal with.
Who? I've got so many stories.
I can't let them all go to waste.
- I just like the buzz.
- Hold on.
Have you become addicted to Addiction Support? Ridiculous.
- You're not going.
- Just you try and stop me! - Jesus, just I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, OK? Look, all right OK.
Just You can come with me.
Just one more session and I quit I promise.
Don't let him leave the building.
- I fucking hate her! - Hey there Zammo.
You all right? You want to hear the time I shot a kestrel at a wake? Later.
Can you do me a favour? Pretend to be my girlfriend.
Is it about your mum thinking you're gay? I told a girl I had a girlfriend so she'd be interested in me.
I can't ask her to be my girlfriend because she thinks I've already got one.
I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend and phone up, so I can break with her you.
- What? - Look, I'm going to change your name in my phone to Toyah.
All you have to do is call me in 20 min and break up with me.
Good? I just go and lay the groundwork.
Jane, did you order a kebab? - Beating the nasty nicotine monster? - I missed lunch.
You're doing so well.
I was so proud of my mum when she gave up smoking.
I still remember her saying, "I've finally beaten it".
Sadly, after that, she got really fat, so Dad left her.
She started smoking again.
But the weight never came back off.
You know how like a pine cone closes up when it's going to rain? - Well, I feel her just closing up.
I thought you said she was the one.
Did I say that? I mean, she's certainly A one.
Whether she is THE one It remains to be seen.
She's more next-door-but-one.
- Ades, have you seen Dom? - No.
He went out.
Does this mean I get to call Jermaine and tell him that his boy's going to be on the R-Ades-Io? WiII you excuse me for just one second? are you? Why didn't you call me? - What? Who is this? are you? Why didn't you call? .
- What are you doing? - I'm at a play.
- Dom, would you like to go next? - Got to go.
Bye.
No, wait Dom! Daisy.
I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend.
Your mum still thinks you're gay? - No.
She doesn't The show is going to start soon.
Just call me and break up with me.
- Where's Dom? At a play.
Where are you going? Back before the show starts with Dom or his corpse.
- Are you expecting a call? - I was.
But it is not important.
- Where are Jane and Dom? - They're at a play.
But they'll be back for the show.
Guys.
Going live after this song.
I'll be back in a minute.
What are you talking about? You nearly missed another show to go to fat club.
- You're the one who said I should go.
- We're about to go on air.
- As a punishment, not to show off.
- Can you please shut the fuck up! This is Ades, and this is a new feature which I would like to call Hearing Ades.
Oh, my God.
Wombats, have you ever had a wank on a bus? Allright.
That is it.
Act like professionals.
You, have a drink.
You, have a cigarette.
Get in here and do your fucking jobs.
One time, my cousin Jermaine had a wanky KFC.
- Let's play some music, shall we? - What man? You, get out.
Take your stupid hat with you.
OK.
Thanks for that, Ades.
What a great new feature that was.
Let's see if it returns.
You are with Lindsay Carol, and we have got .
Last time we had the pleasure of your company was in a wigwam in Glastonbury.
That's right.
You'd just interviewed that naked hippy in jacuzzi.
Right.
Isn't that where you saw Noddy Holder's beard? - I went in there for a shower - What? And came out feeling dirtier than when I went in.
- On the show? - Technically, it wasn't a wigwam, it was a tipi.
A wigwam is dome-shaped, whereas the tipi is more of a truncated cone.
Professor Wombat there.
Thank you.
- Caller on Line One.
- It's your girlfriend.
What? I'm just calling to tell you that you're dumped.
That's great, Toyah, but can we talk about this later? Who's Toyah? You are, you silly goose.
I am.
And I'm sick of it.
I'm actually on the air at the moment, so you neglect me.
You're a neglecter.
- No, I'm not.
- And you slept with my sister.
I did not.
I wouldn't sleep with either of your sisters, - they're both uglier than you are.
- They're mentally handicapped.
That's why they're ugly.
Anyway, you're dumped.
And, you're shit in bed.
Hope that's all OK.
Bye.
.
Want to come? I'll be there in a minute.
I was just wondering, now that I am a single man again, maybe you and I You were just dumped by your girlfriend quite viciously.
But you know what they say about falling off the bike.
Best thing to do is just ride another bike.
- I don't think so.
- I made her up.
- What? - Toyah.
I made her up.
I didn't want to seem desperate, so I made up a girlfriend.
But then I realised you wouldn't go out with me if you thought I had a girlfriend so I got this girl to pretend to be my girlfriend and dump me over the phone, so I could ask you out.
I'm just trying to figure out what's worse here.
You pretending to have a girlfriend to get me to like you, or you pretending to have made up your real girlfriend to get me to like you.
Whichever one is better.
That's the one it is.
I like you.
- But you're a dick.
- Are you negging me? Or ruding me? Spice things up a bit.
Fuck!