Fool Britannia (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 Could I have your attention, please? 'Welcome to Fool Britannia, with me Dom Joly.
' Do you want cakes? 'I've spent the best part of a year travelling the length and breadth of our fair isle poking fun at us Brits.
' Legally, I have to tell you I'm not a real seagull.
'Armed with hidden cameras and a host of disguises, I've unleashed an army of brand-new characters designed to shine a light on the comedy state of a nation.
' That is unbelievable.
'No-one and nowhere is safe and my mission is clear' You're never gonna get an experience like this.
'.
.
To cause chaos in every corner of the land.
' Oyez! Leg it! 'To the calm of the Cotswolds first.
For most city-dwellers, its quaint villages are the perfect place for a well-needed dose of peace and relaxation.
Just not this particular village.
- Morning.
Are you visitors? - Yes.
Where are you from? Lincolnshire.
Lincolnshire? Very brave of you! Dangerous up in Lincolnshire, is it? No.
Lincolnshire's very quiet.
We live in a rural part.
I don't know it.
I don't go up north because I've heard tales of street violence and all sorts! I take my pepper spray.
Well, you just never know, basically.
Cos there's all sorts of people about.
They're illegal in most countries but Belgium weirdly, allows you to carry it.
Hang on.
Cyclist! I've warned you before! No bicycles! I can sell you some if you like.
No, no! It's marvellous stuff.
'And it's not just the British visitors that experience village justice firsthand.
' Cyclist! There we go.
Anyway, have a nice visit from Argentina.
God bless.
Nice to see you.
Goodbye.
If you get by the river there we'll get a nice picture.
Three, two, one.
Right, anyway Right, cheese.
There we go.
I've warned you before, haven't I? I've warned him about cycling in the village! Anyway, enjoy the rest of your stay here.
'With centuries of history and culture, Britain is an incredibly desirable place to visit.
' Swindon that way.
How do you know? Cos I know! Can you move, please?! What did you do there? 'And no-one does budget like the European backpacker carrying everything but the kitchen sink on their shoulders.
' Could you go that way? Turn the other way? Go in! You mean turn the other way? 'With this DIY approach to travel, it's not surprising they don't get anywhere fast.
' Do you mind me asking are you going somewhere? Yes.
A festival.
Which festival are you going to? Isle of Man.
Man Island.
At the bottom of UK.
Isle of Wight.
No.
TT motorcycle! Isle of Man.
That's it.
Isle of Man.
He knows.
Whoaaaa! It's OK.
Let me help you! It's OK! You squash me! Like pig.
You squash me! You hurt me! We are not lovers.
It's no good.
Why don't you take them off, mate? Everybody is looking at you.
You ready? Thank you! Thank you.
'To Cambridge now.
Where overnight, my Happy To Help booth has suddenly materialised.
' I have spent six years in a penitentiary for compulsive lying.
'A mecca for academics, how will these brainiacs deal with an information booth run by a complete moron?' Where do I go, then? I have no idea.
We're closed for lunch.
'A moron with a very particular problem.
' Hello, please, sir.
How are you today? Fine, thank you.
You are tourist? More or less.
You are from which country? Germany.
From Germany! Where do you come from? I am from Poland.
Ahh! Yes.
Yes.
I was born in East Germany East Germany? Which is part of Poland now.
That's right! We took it back! Do you know about the opening hours of the tower over there? For the what? .
.
For the tower? Ah, yes.
I think they have closed for tea time.
Ah.
And they open again? For supper time.
But they close for tea time.
The vicar, he like cake.
You notice anything unusual? Not really.
It's just I have that feeling something is not right.
Sometimes I get this feeling something terrible is happening.
I don't know what.
It's very strange.
But I'm sure it will be OK.
It's been great chatting to you.
And goodbye.
OK, thank you for all your help.
'Now this might be Fool Britannia but there was one place outside of the UK I just couldn't resist.
' Come on.
You wanna dance? Lose this loser.
Let's go.
'Benidorm! Where tens of thousands of us sun worshippers still visit every year.
' Nice coconuts! I have to tell you legally I have no licence because of accident.
'And wherever there are Brits in potential danger, there will also be Ian Yard, health and safety officer.
' Are you British? Yes.
My name's Ian Yard.
I'm here on secondment with the Spanish Tourist Board.
Are you swimmers? Yeah.
How far out do you go? As far as you can stand up.
There are two dangerous things.
There are octopus and there's guppy fish.
Guppy fish, they don't have teeth, but they attack with their gums.
So if you get a school of them, it's been described as an attack of lovebites which no-one wants! But weirdly, they tend to prefer brown skin so our advice off the record is to swim near Spaniards.
They like the local taste.
I'm going to show you how far out you can go without any problem at all.
Beyond that you're at your own risk.
If you go to the ambassador and say you've been attacked, he won't listen.
So I'll just show you.
Hello? Attention, please.
This is Ian Yard.
On behalf of the Health & Safety Council of Great Britain.
I am just warning everyone that I am currently at the limit of required safety for guppy-fish attack.
Some of these guppy fish have no teeth, but they WILL gum you.
Anything behind me is a death zone.
Guppy fish! Guppy fish! Guppy fish! Out of the water! Out of the water! Guppy fish! Now! They've got gums! Guppy fish! Out of the water, guppy fish! Sorry, false alarm.
In you go.
It wasn't guppy fish.
Sorry.
Get back in, it's fine.
'That's it for Part One but join us after the break for much more.
' Off you go! 'See you then.
' Nice.
Notice anything unusual? 'Welcome back to Fool Britannia the hidden-camera show with a uniquely British flavour.
' Guppy fish! Everyone out of the water! 'From Wembley to the Superbowl, a halftime entertainer has to be at the top of their game when performing on the pitch.
If not, the crowd can turn very ugly very quickly.
' So, ladies and gentlemen, some exciting entertainment for you.
Please give a big Twickenham Stoop welcome to the winner of Talent Search Southeast 2012, singing It's Not Unusual, Mr John Romou! 'Wish me luck, then.
' Good afternoon, Twickenham Stoop.
It's Not Unusual It's n Sorry, could we? Sorry.
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
We just got the wrong backing track.
It's not un Can you just keep it down, please, while I do the song? I respected your game.
I would like you to respect my music.
Play it.
It's Not Unusual It's not unusual I'm gonna ask you one more time to be quiet while I finish this song.
Does anyone wanna hear this? If you don't wanna hear this I will leave right now.
Hit it! # It's not unusual to be loved by anyone It's not un 'And John will also be appearing on The X Factor later tonight with a mere guaranteed yes from Louis.
The pigeon - to some a wonderful addition to any town or city square.
To others, simply vermin with wings.
And when it comes to health and safety officer Ian Yard, his views are very clear.
' Morning, madam.
Ooh, sorry.
Environmental Health, Special Ops.
How are you doing? Everything good? Yes.
It is my duty to warn you about the pigeons.
You are aware that they're a health hazard.
I am.
You haven't been feeding them? Oh, God, no.
OK.
It's just that they're converging around you a bit here.
In a group of more than ten they can kill.
That's what people don't know about them.
There are a lot and that's what's worrying me.
Because normally there's about eight but they appear to be grouping for an attack.
I'm warning you to keep your eyes open.
But if they attack you, close your eyes because they'll peck you.
I put in a thing to the council to have them removed but they're protected apparently.
David Cameron thinks pigeons in squares are something we need.
He thinks they defecate on people sitting on benches so people won't sit on benches and maybe get a job.
I think that's his view.
I've got a job.
I'm not suggesting you haven't.
The leader is that one.
The one that's all black.
Oh, yeah? If he's here it means he's got his killer squadron with him.
His cronies.
And they're vicious.
He's got something round the little leg there.
We put a tag on him so we can spot him.
The moment one of his lads spots him he goes.
So I'm going to try and grab him now actually.
Just keep talking.
Keep talking to me.
Here we go.
I'll never get him.
No, they're too quick.
They're too quick.
They're trained.
A lot are trained in Libya apparently.
And then released here.
There are cases of people being lifted off a bench by them.
Keep your eyes out, yeah? I will.
All right.
Remember, stay safe.
'Gnomes.
Status symbol of the garden-proud Brit for over a century.
Legend has it that these terracotta statues can actually come to life.
' Morning.
'But like all legends it's never actually been proven.
Until now.
' You all right, my darling? Yes.
Can I give you one of these while you're here? That's Bessie.
I miss her badly.
Oh, no! They came over the wall.
Bessie's gone now.
They've been sending photos of her all over the world.
In Australia.
That's one on a beach.
That's her in Paris, in France.
And I don't know if she's actually going there or not but what she's Hello.
I don't know if she's actually going there or not.
I miss her a lot.
He like misses her and that.
I don't know what to do really.
Nothing you can do.
I bet the police aren't interested.
Police? You try.
They wouldn't even come to the house.
Didn't want to know.
That's right.
Didn't want to know at all.
Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
Quiet.
Act natural.
You don't have to.
You're not a gnome.
Still there, Barry? Still there.
We're all right.
So as I said, if you see her or you hear about her, if you could just give us a ring, that would be great.
Bye! See you.
Nice.
How you been, then? Not bad.
Storm coming in.
Well, nice seeing you anyway.
See you later, then.
You should come round, we're having a barbecue.
Let me know.
All the best.
'Back to the Cotswolds for the Gospel according to ASBO Vicar.
Today's sermon - the evil of public affection.
' Afternoon.
Afternoon.
I'm the vicar here.
It's good to see some people know how to behave on a bench.
Unlike That's right.
Hello? We're not in Italy here.
Hello?! You know what it is.
Been drinking alcopops I imagine, all morning.
They come here and think they're in Tuscany or somewhere.
It really is revolting.
Tell you what.
Hold this a second.
I'll get rid of them.
Hold that for a second.
Sorry, but I really can't have this.
It's not that sort of village.
I've warned you.
Go on.
Look! Yes! Oh, it's raining! Come on.
Ha-ha-ha! Come on! Off you go.
"Oh, we'd better go indoors.
Get ourselves a room!" There we go.
Well done, Vicar! Thank you.
Think they can come here and enjoy themselves.
Ha-ha! Not any more! Not unless they find another bench.
Or I'll marry them.
Then it's OK.
Anyway, lovely chatting.
And we don't want any misbehaviour from you or we know what'll happen.
OK.
God bless.
'The lush gardens of Bournemouth a haven of peace and tranquility.
' I want to go to the beach and I want an ice cream and talk to old people.
'Just make sure you don't end up next to this idiot.
' Morning.
Suppose you're wondering what happened to me.
Yes.
I'm a honey smuggler.
You know that you're not allowed to take honey over the border into Devon because of the tariff.
So I take the honey over.
Cos I'd spilt one of the jars I'd been smuggling into Devon, I had honey all over me.
I kicked a bees' nest and they just went crazy.
The hospital estimated there was up to 10,000 bees went for me.
And apparently it wasn't the bee stings that did it but when I was on the ground with the bee stings a bear attacked me and that's when it went really bad.
Cos bears go crazy at the smell of honey.
Do they? And he saw me as just one big honey apple.
And it just clawed me up good and proper.
Couldn't have a bite of that, could I? It's just that since the bear attack You won't tease me? Thank you.
Sorry, I'm just having a flashback.
I just keep getting them.
First it's the honey, then it's the bees, then it's the bear.
It's playing like some sort of loop.
I just can't understand what a bear was doing wandering around Devon.
Hello, fella.
Yeah, well, been better I can't complain.
'Finally, we're in Bath where my Happy To Help booth continues to inform and educate because your custom is extremely important to us.
' Hello, sir.
How may I help you? What was the name of the store where we got the bus? I know every store in Bath.
Jolly's.
Where's Jolly's on here? One second.
Sorry.
I have to look it up for you on this.
So I put you on hold! OK.
I am sorry.
Thank you for waiting.
Jolly's department store is in Vermouth Street.
I know.
I get you a good map.
You are important.
One second.
We asked him puts it down, looks it up, then comes back! OK.
Thank you for patienting with me.
I am afraid I have no longer good map.
OK.
So maybe I draw you a map.
Is easy.
Sure.
OK.
One second, please.
Thank you for patienting.
I have drawn you map.
You are here and you go there.
Sounds good.
Is OK? Great.
OK.
Thank you.
Happy to help.
'And that handy map will be available to download from the itv website straight after the show.
Sadly, that's all we've got time for today.
' I've got to go and drive the boat.
'Join us again next week as we continue to fool Britannia.
' You know Sting from The Police? He's my brother.
'See you then.
'
' Do you want cakes? 'I've spent the best part of a year travelling the length and breadth of our fair isle poking fun at us Brits.
' Legally, I have to tell you I'm not a real seagull.
'Armed with hidden cameras and a host of disguises, I've unleashed an army of brand-new characters designed to shine a light on the comedy state of a nation.
' That is unbelievable.
'No-one and nowhere is safe and my mission is clear' You're never gonna get an experience like this.
'.
.
To cause chaos in every corner of the land.
' Oyez! Leg it! 'To the calm of the Cotswolds first.
For most city-dwellers, its quaint villages are the perfect place for a well-needed dose of peace and relaxation.
Just not this particular village.
- Morning.
Are you visitors? - Yes.
Where are you from? Lincolnshire.
Lincolnshire? Very brave of you! Dangerous up in Lincolnshire, is it? No.
Lincolnshire's very quiet.
We live in a rural part.
I don't know it.
I don't go up north because I've heard tales of street violence and all sorts! I take my pepper spray.
Well, you just never know, basically.
Cos there's all sorts of people about.
They're illegal in most countries but Belgium weirdly, allows you to carry it.
Hang on.
Cyclist! I've warned you before! No bicycles! I can sell you some if you like.
No, no! It's marvellous stuff.
'And it's not just the British visitors that experience village justice firsthand.
' Cyclist! There we go.
Anyway, have a nice visit from Argentina.
God bless.
Nice to see you.
Goodbye.
If you get by the river there we'll get a nice picture.
Three, two, one.
Right, anyway Right, cheese.
There we go.
I've warned you before, haven't I? I've warned him about cycling in the village! Anyway, enjoy the rest of your stay here.
'With centuries of history and culture, Britain is an incredibly desirable place to visit.
' Swindon that way.
How do you know? Cos I know! Can you move, please?! What did you do there? 'And no-one does budget like the European backpacker carrying everything but the kitchen sink on their shoulders.
' Could you go that way? Turn the other way? Go in! You mean turn the other way? 'With this DIY approach to travel, it's not surprising they don't get anywhere fast.
' Do you mind me asking are you going somewhere? Yes.
A festival.
Which festival are you going to? Isle of Man.
Man Island.
At the bottom of UK.
Isle of Wight.
No.
TT motorcycle! Isle of Man.
That's it.
Isle of Man.
He knows.
Whoaaaa! It's OK.
Let me help you! It's OK! You squash me! Like pig.
You squash me! You hurt me! We are not lovers.
It's no good.
Why don't you take them off, mate? Everybody is looking at you.
You ready? Thank you! Thank you.
'To Cambridge now.
Where overnight, my Happy To Help booth has suddenly materialised.
' I have spent six years in a penitentiary for compulsive lying.
'A mecca for academics, how will these brainiacs deal with an information booth run by a complete moron?' Where do I go, then? I have no idea.
We're closed for lunch.
'A moron with a very particular problem.
' Hello, please, sir.
How are you today? Fine, thank you.
You are tourist? More or less.
You are from which country? Germany.
From Germany! Where do you come from? I am from Poland.
Ahh! Yes.
Yes.
I was born in East Germany East Germany? Which is part of Poland now.
That's right! We took it back! Do you know about the opening hours of the tower over there? For the what? .
.
For the tower? Ah, yes.
I think they have closed for tea time.
Ah.
And they open again? For supper time.
But they close for tea time.
The vicar, he like cake.
You notice anything unusual? Not really.
It's just I have that feeling something is not right.
Sometimes I get this feeling something terrible is happening.
I don't know what.
It's very strange.
But I'm sure it will be OK.
It's been great chatting to you.
And goodbye.
OK, thank you for all your help.
'Now this might be Fool Britannia but there was one place outside of the UK I just couldn't resist.
' Come on.
You wanna dance? Lose this loser.
Let's go.
'Benidorm! Where tens of thousands of us sun worshippers still visit every year.
' Nice coconuts! I have to tell you legally I have no licence because of accident.
'And wherever there are Brits in potential danger, there will also be Ian Yard, health and safety officer.
' Are you British? Yes.
My name's Ian Yard.
I'm here on secondment with the Spanish Tourist Board.
Are you swimmers? Yeah.
How far out do you go? As far as you can stand up.
There are two dangerous things.
There are octopus and there's guppy fish.
Guppy fish, they don't have teeth, but they attack with their gums.
So if you get a school of them, it's been described as an attack of lovebites which no-one wants! But weirdly, they tend to prefer brown skin so our advice off the record is to swim near Spaniards.
They like the local taste.
I'm going to show you how far out you can go without any problem at all.
Beyond that you're at your own risk.
If you go to the ambassador and say you've been attacked, he won't listen.
So I'll just show you.
Hello? Attention, please.
This is Ian Yard.
On behalf of the Health & Safety Council of Great Britain.
I am just warning everyone that I am currently at the limit of required safety for guppy-fish attack.
Some of these guppy fish have no teeth, but they WILL gum you.
Anything behind me is a death zone.
Guppy fish! Guppy fish! Guppy fish! Out of the water! Out of the water! Guppy fish! Now! They've got gums! Guppy fish! Out of the water, guppy fish! Sorry, false alarm.
In you go.
It wasn't guppy fish.
Sorry.
Get back in, it's fine.
'That's it for Part One but join us after the break for much more.
' Off you go! 'See you then.
' Nice.
Notice anything unusual? 'Welcome back to Fool Britannia the hidden-camera show with a uniquely British flavour.
' Guppy fish! Everyone out of the water! 'From Wembley to the Superbowl, a halftime entertainer has to be at the top of their game when performing on the pitch.
If not, the crowd can turn very ugly very quickly.
' So, ladies and gentlemen, some exciting entertainment for you.
Please give a big Twickenham Stoop welcome to the winner of Talent Search Southeast 2012, singing It's Not Unusual, Mr John Romou! 'Wish me luck, then.
' Good afternoon, Twickenham Stoop.
It's Not Unusual It's n Sorry, could we? Sorry.
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
We just got the wrong backing track.
It's not un Can you just keep it down, please, while I do the song? I respected your game.
I would like you to respect my music.
Play it.
It's Not Unusual It's not unusual I'm gonna ask you one more time to be quiet while I finish this song.
Does anyone wanna hear this? If you don't wanna hear this I will leave right now.
Hit it! # It's not unusual to be loved by anyone It's not un 'And John will also be appearing on The X Factor later tonight with a mere guaranteed yes from Louis.
The pigeon - to some a wonderful addition to any town or city square.
To others, simply vermin with wings.
And when it comes to health and safety officer Ian Yard, his views are very clear.
' Morning, madam.
Ooh, sorry.
Environmental Health, Special Ops.
How are you doing? Everything good? Yes.
It is my duty to warn you about the pigeons.
You are aware that they're a health hazard.
I am.
You haven't been feeding them? Oh, God, no.
OK.
It's just that they're converging around you a bit here.
In a group of more than ten they can kill.
That's what people don't know about them.
There are a lot and that's what's worrying me.
Because normally there's about eight but they appear to be grouping for an attack.
I'm warning you to keep your eyes open.
But if they attack you, close your eyes because they'll peck you.
I put in a thing to the council to have them removed but they're protected apparently.
David Cameron thinks pigeons in squares are something we need.
He thinks they defecate on people sitting on benches so people won't sit on benches and maybe get a job.
I think that's his view.
I've got a job.
I'm not suggesting you haven't.
The leader is that one.
The one that's all black.
Oh, yeah? If he's here it means he's got his killer squadron with him.
His cronies.
And they're vicious.
He's got something round the little leg there.
We put a tag on him so we can spot him.
The moment one of his lads spots him he goes.
So I'm going to try and grab him now actually.
Just keep talking.
Keep talking to me.
Here we go.
I'll never get him.
No, they're too quick.
They're too quick.
They're trained.
A lot are trained in Libya apparently.
And then released here.
There are cases of people being lifted off a bench by them.
Keep your eyes out, yeah? I will.
All right.
Remember, stay safe.
'Gnomes.
Status symbol of the garden-proud Brit for over a century.
Legend has it that these terracotta statues can actually come to life.
' Morning.
'But like all legends it's never actually been proven.
Until now.
' You all right, my darling? Yes.
Can I give you one of these while you're here? That's Bessie.
I miss her badly.
Oh, no! They came over the wall.
Bessie's gone now.
They've been sending photos of her all over the world.
In Australia.
That's one on a beach.
That's her in Paris, in France.
And I don't know if she's actually going there or not but what she's Hello.
I don't know if she's actually going there or not.
I miss her a lot.
He like misses her and that.
I don't know what to do really.
Nothing you can do.
I bet the police aren't interested.
Police? You try.
They wouldn't even come to the house.
Didn't want to know.
That's right.
Didn't want to know at all.
Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.
Quiet.
Act natural.
You don't have to.
You're not a gnome.
Still there, Barry? Still there.
We're all right.
So as I said, if you see her or you hear about her, if you could just give us a ring, that would be great.
Bye! See you.
Nice.
How you been, then? Not bad.
Storm coming in.
Well, nice seeing you anyway.
See you later, then.
You should come round, we're having a barbecue.
Let me know.
All the best.
'Back to the Cotswolds for the Gospel according to ASBO Vicar.
Today's sermon - the evil of public affection.
' Afternoon.
Afternoon.
I'm the vicar here.
It's good to see some people know how to behave on a bench.
Unlike That's right.
Hello? We're not in Italy here.
Hello?! You know what it is.
Been drinking alcopops I imagine, all morning.
They come here and think they're in Tuscany or somewhere.
It really is revolting.
Tell you what.
Hold this a second.
I'll get rid of them.
Hold that for a second.
Sorry, but I really can't have this.
It's not that sort of village.
I've warned you.
Go on.
Look! Yes! Oh, it's raining! Come on.
Ha-ha-ha! Come on! Off you go.
"Oh, we'd better go indoors.
Get ourselves a room!" There we go.
Well done, Vicar! Thank you.
Think they can come here and enjoy themselves.
Ha-ha! Not any more! Not unless they find another bench.
Or I'll marry them.
Then it's OK.
Anyway, lovely chatting.
And we don't want any misbehaviour from you or we know what'll happen.
OK.
God bless.
'The lush gardens of Bournemouth a haven of peace and tranquility.
' I want to go to the beach and I want an ice cream and talk to old people.
'Just make sure you don't end up next to this idiot.
' Morning.
Suppose you're wondering what happened to me.
Yes.
I'm a honey smuggler.
You know that you're not allowed to take honey over the border into Devon because of the tariff.
So I take the honey over.
Cos I'd spilt one of the jars I'd been smuggling into Devon, I had honey all over me.
I kicked a bees' nest and they just went crazy.
The hospital estimated there was up to 10,000 bees went for me.
And apparently it wasn't the bee stings that did it but when I was on the ground with the bee stings a bear attacked me and that's when it went really bad.
Cos bears go crazy at the smell of honey.
Do they? And he saw me as just one big honey apple.
And it just clawed me up good and proper.
Couldn't have a bite of that, could I? It's just that since the bear attack You won't tease me? Thank you.
Sorry, I'm just having a flashback.
I just keep getting them.
First it's the honey, then it's the bees, then it's the bear.
It's playing like some sort of loop.
I just can't understand what a bear was doing wandering around Devon.
Hello, fella.
Yeah, well, been better I can't complain.
'Finally, we're in Bath where my Happy To Help booth continues to inform and educate because your custom is extremely important to us.
' Hello, sir.
How may I help you? What was the name of the store where we got the bus? I know every store in Bath.
Jolly's.
Where's Jolly's on here? One second.
Sorry.
I have to look it up for you on this.
So I put you on hold! OK.
I am sorry.
Thank you for waiting.
Jolly's department store is in Vermouth Street.
I know.
I get you a good map.
You are important.
One second.
We asked him puts it down, looks it up, then comes back! OK.
Thank you for patienting with me.
I am afraid I have no longer good map.
OK.
So maybe I draw you a map.
Is easy.
Sure.
OK.
One second, please.
Thank you for patienting.
I have drawn you map.
You are here and you go there.
Sounds good.
Is OK? Great.
OK.
Thank you.
Happy to help.
'And that handy map will be available to download from the itv website straight after the show.
Sadly, that's all we've got time for today.
' I've got to go and drive the boat.
'Join us again next week as we continue to fool Britannia.
' You know Sting from The Police? He's my brother.
'See you then.
'