Frank of Ireland (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
AINE: I'm sorry.
I know it must seem very sudden.
No, no, no,
I'm delighted for you.
Delighted.
When do you
move in to his place?
Mmm The end of the week.
That's so soon.
That's great.
Part of me will always
love you, Frank,
- but Peter-Brian's
- Which part?
- Peter-Brian's a doctor.
- No, which part?
- Pardon me?
- Which part of you will always love me?
Oh.
My self-loathing, probably.
Hmm.
I didn't mean that
in a good way.
We're having a party
the day I move in
- Can I move in too?
- I don't think so, no.
Well, I just I guess
I just always assumed
that when my mam dies it'd be
you who takes care of me.
Please don't move in with him.
Please don't move in
with him, Aine.
I'm gonna leave, Frank.
Aine?
Yes, Frank?
You should take out
the recycling.
Would sir like dessert?
She's moving on, Doofus.
I'm losing her.
Just the cheesecake, please.
MARY: And you're sure
you can't move in with them?
Mam, I asked.
So you're definitely
staying with me?
- Yeah, of course I am!
- Frank
I'm having difficulty
making the house payments.
- Uh-oh.
- So I'm moving my boyfriend in.
Boyfriend? Who is it?
It's not that guy.
Hi, guys! I'm Richard.
Shh! Richard.
I convinced Richard to leave
his wife and kids for me.
He'll be paying rent,
but realistically,
I'm going to need more money
Whoa, Whoa! I'm paying rent?
Richard, I'm trying
to talk here.
FRANK:
I'm not paying rent, Mam.
What's the point
in me doing my chores
if I give you my pocket
money back as rent?
Come on.
How many kids
do you have, Richard?
I have three kids.
You had three kids.
(camera shutter snaps)
(chuckles)
- Look at his face.
- (chuckles)
He just keeps eating cheese.
He's so fucking posh.
Do you ever wonder what it would be like
to live in a house like that?
No.
We're not here to appreciate
Peter-Brian's house, Doofus.
We're here for dirt, proof
that he's cheating on Aine.
It doesn't look like
he's cheating on Aine.
He's a doctor.
Of course
he's cheating on Aine.
All we have to do is
catch him in the act.
You still wanna do
the flaming bag of dog poo
on his doorstep?
It's a little unsophisticated,
- but yes, please.
- Okay.
- Ta-da!
- Jesus Christ.
- What's wrong?
- Where to start?
First, it's supposed
to be a paper bag.
We can't set fire to that,
it's a biohazard.
It kept seeping out
through the paper bags.
Second, why is it
liquid dog poo?
It's not liquid dog poo.
It's not solid,
that's for sure.
No, it's not
it's not dog poo.
What kind of poo is it?
It's Doofus poo.
God, Doofus.
Give me the lighter.
Watch out, Frank!
- Frank?
- Peter-Brian.
- What are you doing here?
- I was in the neighborhood,
and I wanted to say
congratulations
on Aine moving in and
- I brought you this.
- What is it?
It's from Doofus.
He's sick.
It's a sample.
Oh, right.
Well, come on in.
Leave the bag, yeah?
No! No, Frank!
Frank, no, no!
- (cawing)
- (door closes)
Wow. This is really nice.
Yeah, thanks. Whiskey?
Aine goes mad
if I touch the stuff,
but, you know,
when the cat's away
Huh. Yeah, maybe one.
(men laughing)
- She can't dance.
- She can't dance.
She thinks she can dance,
but she can't dance.
- All elbows.
- She says I'm a messy drunk.
That's bullshit.
You're a great drunk.
And she won't let me
listen to my podcasts
when we're going to sleep.
Outrageous.
What's a podcast?
(laughs)
Ah. Look,
she's a good girl, really,
and I don't mean that
in a patronizing way.
You know, I actually think
she'll be very happy here
Well, thanks for saying that.
What do you do for fun, Frank?
Last week me and Doofus did
the 7-D experience in town.
You sit in
a cramped eight-seater room
and watch animated movies
while an Eastern European man
spritzes you
with water to simulate rain.
- That's one of the dimensions.
- That sounds
The seventh dimension
is bubbles.
You wanna know
what I do for fun?
♪♪
This is the coolest thing
I've ever seen.
Yeah, I thought
you might like it.
You ever bow and arrowed?
I was competitive in college.
You know, we should go
to the range sometime
Tomorrow.
What about tomorrow?
- Oh, tomorrow
- I want to be with you.
Sorry, was that a bit intense?
No, I liked it.
(chuckles) Okay.
- Till tomorrow.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
Ciao.
(sighs)
- (door closes)
- Frank!
Doofus!
Why are you still here?
Get out of there.
Jesus.
You don't like him,
do you, Frank?
Who?
You know who I mean.
I'm just hanging
with him to get dirt.
It's like Tim Roth
in "Reservoir Dogs."
I mean, tonight was probably the most fun
I've had with anyone in ages, but
See, he has this knack
of putting me totally at ease,
really feel I can be myself
when I'm around him.
Like, I actually like myself
when I'm with him.
Nothing sexual or anything.
I hate him.
Why hasn't he texted?
- (phone buzzes)
- (taps keyboard)
- OMG, that's a gas.
- What is it?
Nothing. Just
Peter-Brian's an awful eejit.
- Let me see! Let me see!
- No!
Ciao, guys. Excusez-moi.
Pardon me.
Who might you be?
Oh, pardon.
Me Stephane.
I'm Frank.
This is Doofus.
- Hello.
- Ah, Frankie!
- We share a room, no?
- I hope not.
- (chuckles)
- (urine splashing)
Why hasn't Stephane got
any pubes, Frank?
He's old enough.
Real men, we shave
for how you say
aerodynamics.
Huh?
(chuckles)
- Huh?
- (penis slapping)
MARY: Stephane,
did you find everything?
Oh! Well, you obviously
didn't find a towel!
(both laughing)
- (penis slapping)
- (laughter continues)
Stephane's a student.
He's lodging here too.
Means I'll finally have
the mortgage covered.
Mary, you got anywhere
I can put
Hello. Who's this?
Richard, come outside.
We need to talk.
Breathe.
Now draw back
elbow raised
focus down range.
And now, when you're ready
release.
- (arrow strikes)
- Hey!
I can't believe you
finally hit one! Ha-ha!
- Whoo! Got one!
- Whoo!
Doofus! What the hell
are you doing?
Just.. gramming.
Get the fuck off the range!
Come on. Let's go hit the spa.
Stop looking at me like that.
I can't help it.
So I like him, okay?
Get over it. Get in!
- I can't.
- Why not?
- I shaved my pubes, okay?
- What
(groaning)
- Keep your voice down.
- Look at him.
- Just get some dirt.
- Yeah, I
You're not Tim Roth
in "Reservoir Dogs," Frank.
You're Kevin Costner
in "Dances With Wolves,"
seduced by the culture
and lifestyle of your enemy.
You're not even trying
to break up him and Aine.
I am.
Now would you please just
Ahh, fuck it.
That is nice.
Come on, Doofus.
Sit down.
Okay.
(wailing)
Fuck it
(winces)
So what's up, Peebs?
Oh, you know, nothin' much.
You nervous about Aine
moving in? That's natural.
Have you been thinking about other people
or anything? You ever cheated on her?
Sorry, Peebers. I think
what Doofus is trying to say
No, no, it's fine. I mean,
we're all men here, am I right, guys?
- Yeah, but I don't think
- We're all dudes here.
Absolutely, right?
Listen
Whatever you choose
to share with us,
our lips are sealed,
whether it involves men, women or children.
Not children.
That was outrageous
back there.
I was sticking to the plan.
I wish I was
in Peter-Brian's red car.
Look, I know you're upset,
okay?
But I've got something in my
pocket that might cheer you up.
Oh, my pubes.
Ta-da. Two tickets
for you and me,
for the Viking Splash Tour.
What do you say?
I don't know, Doofus.
I'm into mature stuff now,
like archery and whiskey.
And two tickets?
What about PB?
I wanted to do something
for us, Frank.
What's happening to us?
Doofus, I'm sorry.
I would love to come
to the Viking Splash Tour with you.
I love you, Frank.
You're one of my best friends.
- (crowd cheering)
- (horn honking)
- MAN: Three, two, one!
- (crowd cheers)
(horn honks)
Aw man! This is great!
Meh.
You're not making
an effort, Frank.
I'm trying, Doofus,
but this feels
plebeian or something.
I've to change for the wine
tasting later, how do I get off?
You can't get off.
We're approaching the water.
I guess I'm staying on then.
Great.
- (crowd cheers)
- (water splashes)
Might get a podcast going.
What's a podcast?
Can I come to the wine tasting
too, please?
MAN: Three, two, one!
(all cheering)
Ma, I'm heading out
for a bit.
- Bye, Frankie.
- Ciao, Frankie.
Good night, Richard.
Good night, Frank.
FRANK: I just think
we're growing apart.
I mean, Doofus
wouldn't know a red wine
from a a different red wine.
Easy there, pal.
Aren't you supposed to taste and spit?
Ah, fuck it.
The week I've had?
Patients moaning, moaning.
"Oh, my foot's broken."
"Ahhh, what's this rash?"
Right, that does seem annoying,
although you are a doctor.
Yech!
A "woman" came in today, all,
"I'm unhappy.
I don't feel beautiful."
I gave her a prescription that
said, "Don't wear leggings."
She said, "Tanks."
That's the level of person we're
dealing with here you know?
You don't like
being a doctor?
Yeah, telling people
you're a doctor is great,
but actually doing the work's
a fucking nightmare.
That's what was so sweet
about college.
Didn't you have
to study a lot?
And the women Jesus.
Now I feel like
I'm slowing down.
Look, Aine's moving in.
You'll settle down.
And we'll be besties.
I know it's soon to say,
but let's call a spade a spade.
I might move in.
You have no idea what my life
was like before Aine.
Vag.
Vag, vag, everywhere.
And now? Not a drop to drink.
Peebster, I don't think
I should be hearing this.
You listen! Aine suspects
I've been unfaithful,
- and I haven't.
- Right. Good!
Except the worst part is
I have.
Only once.
A girl at the bar.
Another girl at the gym.
And several patients.
But that's a bigger deal.
That's trouble. But they're
the only ones, all right?
Well, no,
there were loads more,
but those were the only ones
Aine suspects.
Well, no, she suspects
it's a much bigger problem, and it is.
Ah, Christ, Frank,
I'm fucked!
- Easy, easy. Easy, there.
- (ringtone plays)
- Easy.
- (ringtone plays)
I'm sorry.
Please don't tell Aine.
(doorbell chimes)
Frank, thanks for coming.
- (door closes)
- Can I get you anything?
- Tea, coffee?
- Maybe a latte.
- That would take ages.
- I know you have a milk frother, Aine.
Would you like
a regular coffee?
- Is it instant?
- Yes.
Just a water, please.
Sparkling.
So about Peter-Brian.
Look, I don't wanna say this.
I've been spying on him.
I thought he was cheating
on you,
and I was trying to collect
some hard evidence and
And?
Basically, he's clean.
Okay? The man's a boy scout
and not in a bad way.
Frank, I've been worried
about Peter-Brian too,
so I've been doing
a little spying of my own.
I asked Doofus
to keep tabs on him.
- Doofus?
- He sent me these today.
Aine, my little house mouse
these aren't real.
Of course they're not real.
But seeing them made me realize
Peter-Brian is just
He's just so fucking posh.
And I don't wanna live with
And here we are,
and here you are.
And I can't remember
why we broke up.
- You wouldn't do anal.
- It was more than that.
No. That was
the deal breaker for me.
Aine, we've been over this.
Darling, I don't want you.
I want you to be unhappy.
Yeah, you keep
saying that, Frank,
but you keep coming back.
- Sing me a song, Frank.
- What?
Sing me a song
like the good old days.
Sing me a song, Frank.
Come on sing it.
- Please leave me alone ♪
- Yes.
How about one last bit of rough before
I move in with fancy pants?
- No, Aine, I can't.
- What if the anus was back on the table?
Aine, no. Please.
I couldn't do that
to someone I respect.
But it's all you used
to talk about!
I'm not talking about you.
I'm talking about Peter-Brian.
I respect him too damn much.
I want him to be my best friend,
and God willing
I know it's early, but I think if he
and I spend enough time together
- You're pathetic.
- You're desperate.
Doofus, Doofus!
Doofus, Doofus, Doofus!
Doofus, Doofus, Doofus, Doofus!
Doofus, Doofus, Doofus,
Doofus, Doofus!
Easy, easy, Frank,
you'll wake my parents.
What was with those photos
of PB?
- Oh! Did she buy them?
- No!
I can't believe you hid
behind my back.
You're the one who went rogue!
My relationship with
Peter-Brian is very nuanced.
You know what? Forget Kevin
Costner in "Dances with Wolves."
You're Kevin Costner
in "Waterworld."
Shit! You and me, we're done.
Fine! Have fun
with your new best friend!
I will have fun
with my new best friend!
We're going to Avoca
for lunch on Wednesday,
and then afterwards
we're probably gonna go
to the Southside
for a cheeseboard.
I don't even know you anymore.
STEPHANE:
What's wrong, Frankie?
I don't know, Stephane.
I started the day
with two besties,
but I'm pretty sure
I can only have one.
What is a bestie?
The guy who massage you
in the bath? Your bitch?
That was Doofus.
But now I think I want Peter-Brian
to be my bestie instead.
- Why?
- I don't know.
He might be an awful person,
but his lifestyle is better.
So you rather be his Doofus,
than have Doofus be yours?
Let me say, uh,
"It is better to reign in Hell
than serve in Heaven."
- Did you just come up with that?
- It's Milton.
- The sterilizer?
- No.
Well, thank you for sharing your native
wisdom with me, Stephane.
You're a very wise
French man.
Good night, Frankie.
Good night, Dad.
(weeping)
- Richard, pet?
- Yes, Frank?
Could you keep it down?
My babies.
I gotta get back to my babies.
♪(polka)
Whoa, there, Padraig!
Careful there!
Okay!
DOOFUS: Hello, Frank.
It's quite a housewarming.
FRANK: Quite.
I hear there'll have
a chocolate fountain later.
Well, I'm just here
to wish them well.
I won't cause any bother.
- Doofus
- I just want you to be happy, Frank.
I know he's your bestie now,
and I won't stand in your way.
I love you, so I'll let you go.
Thanks for coming, Frank.
It's no problem,
my little Pokemon.
You're still going through
with it?
Yeah.
Yeah, I had a chat
with Peter, and
Promise me you won't tell anyone
about my little wobble last night.
It was just nerves.
- Just nerves.
- (chuckles)
Your secret's safe with me.
- (metal clanging)
- PETER-BRIAN: Guys?
- Guys?
- Oh, God.
Can I say a couple of words?
Thanks for coming, everyone.
Moving in is a big step for us,
for me and Aine,
but it's the right one,
I'm pretty sure.
You know, in my business,
a lot of people need my help.
But outside office hours,
who really needs me?
You know? Who wants me?
That woman. Aine.
She needs me.
All hours of the fucking day.
She's so clingy. It's It's
You know what? Screw it.
It's really fucking
nice.
So why stop with a move,
you know?
Fuck it, yeah.
Fuck it!
Aine, darling!
Aine Finnegan,
will you marry me?
- (crowd murmurs)
- (coughs)
(scattered applause)
(cheering, applause)
Congratulations, darling.
What?
- Frank!
- Congratulations, man.
You and me, Frankie boy.
I gotta be honest,
I did not plan to do that
just now.
I think I've had one too many
of these again.
- (chuckles)
- Bring it in, big guy.
- I will never be your Doofus.
- What?
And if you keep
fucking around on Aine,
I'll tell her you slept
with your patients.
That's not just a divorce,
that's your whole job gone.
No, Frank,
you wouldn't do that.
You were the first man
I ever wanted to be like.
What?
(scoffs)
Doofus.
Doofus!
I need you back, Frank.
He has to go.
Put down the firearm.
He's not my friend anymore.
- Really?
- He's a knob-end. You were right.
They're getting married, Doofus.
So we're besties again?
Better to reign in Hell
than serve in Heaven.
Did you come up with that?
Yeah.
FRANK:
Sorry about what I said before.
You're not like Kevin Costner
in "Waterworld."
You're like Kevin Costner
in "The Bodyguard."
DOOFUS: Ah! You're like Kevin Costner
in "The Untouchables."
You're like Kevin Costner
in "Field of Dreams."
You're like Kevin Costner
in "Tin Cup."
Haven't seen it.
You're like Kevin Costner
in "Tombstone."
That was Kurt Russell.
You're like, eh
Kevin Costner
in "Mr. Brooks."
Haven't seen that, either.
It's really good.
(groans)
Oh, pubes got you?
Yes. There's blood
in me undies.
♪♪