Franklin and Bash (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
She Came Upstairs to Kill Me
You just arrived in heaven.
Ooh, standards more lax than I'd have thought.
Good for me.
Saint Peter tells you you can either return to earth as a ghost, Whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
A ghost like Casper, or Bruce Willis from "The Sixth Sense"? What do you mean? Bruce Willis? Turns out he was a ghost all along? Thanks for the spoiler alert, dick.
You've never seen "Sixth Sense"? No! You've seen like every Rob Schneider movie.
Is Rob Schneider in "The Sixth Sense"? Working on your base? Ah, the morning sun through these windows provides optimal tanning while the tint on the glass refracts U.
V.
rays.
He has done a lot of research on this.
Karp wanted to know if you were working on any actual cases.
Yes.
Tell him we're in the middle of an important discovery motion on People v.
Kiss My Ass.
Does the, uh, ripped body offend? I've seen you firmer.
Do I look less firm to you? Well, you are kind of a mess.
Hey, you want to see a real live murderer up close? Is this about "The Sixth Sense" again? Ms.
Kaplowitz? It is you.
Peter Bash.
I just want to say that I am blown away at how one-sided the media coverage of your case has been.
- I appreciate that.
- Yeah, and, frankly, I am disgusted at the paparazzi's refusal to allow you to mourn the loss of your husband.
I mean, following you on the beach when you had on that killer thong.
And Not "killer" as in, you know, like, "eeh, eeh, eeh," but just primo.
How thoughtful of you to say.
Isabella! Stanton.
- How are you? - I've been better.
I know.
It's so good to see you.
Well, shall we begin? Oh, this is my colleague, Damien Karp.
Good to see you.
And by "colleague," he means "nephew.
" Ooh! I like the boxers.
Shall we begin? You know, there are 27 senior partners, including our New York firm.
And in September, Stanton's little experiment called "you two" is gonna get put up to a vote.
You're not gonna make it past the first ballot.
So, I don't know.
Photocopy your butts.
Steal some pens -- whatever.
Why would he think we didn't photocopy our butts already? "Black widow of Bel Air.
" "Horndog heiress.
" Ooh, my favorite.
"Murder by vagina.
" Stanton, Harry was my life.
You know that.
I would never have done anything to hurt him, much less kill him.
Good.
But I must say, you know, for the district attorney to pursue a murder conviction based on the theory of intentional oversexing -- I mean, well, he must be fairly confident that his evidence will hold up.
Did you really take a bath before calling 911? He was fine before I left.
He was smiling, and he was falling asleep.
And, um, about 20 minutes later, uh, I heard a crash.
That's when I rushed in.
He had knocked over a clock.
And he was He was struggling to breathe.
That's when I called.
Everybody thinks I'm a killer.
I'm not.
I'm a widow who's devastated by the loss of her husband.
But you knew he had a heart condition.
Well, he was a very passionate man.
I wasn't going to deny him what he wanted.
All right.
I mean, you say it's what he wanted, and yet your husband says otherwise.
"Dying billionaire's last words -- 'She came upstairs to kill me.
'" I can't explain that.
All I can say is, it's not true.
And so we must prove.
Ooh, what a mixture such a vivid picture ooh, what a mixture if I must say so myself Oh.
Hey, look at you.
Big-boy clothes.
We want in.
No way.
He's asking the guy who actually decides things.
You said you wanted us on a case.
I'm second chair, and we're staffed.
Have you any experience of defending a murder trial? No.
And we need some, big-time.
Yeah.
And who better to learn from than the emperor of defense? No one calls him that.
- I call you that.
- I like it.
You know, I really don't see a reason why we can't have a third chair on a case of this magnitude.
Actually, I can think of about 100 reasons, top of which would be Winning.
All right.
Listen.
One of you comes on.
The other jumps on a civil matter that my spiritual adviser is bringing in.
-Work it out.
- All right.
We could be working together.
I mean, Christmas came early for you, pal.
Well, we're gonna need to celebrate early, 'cause you won't be here in December.
- Oh.
- Oh! The "fired" thing again.
Don't So which of us gets the case? Carmen and Pindar, choose! I can't.
It's like having to choose between my two gay fathers.
You have two gay fathers? Carmen? Neither one of you should do it.
She's guilty! I read in People that she friggin' took a bubble bath before she even called 911.
First of all, that's a sexy, if not twisted, image.
And second, if you met Isabella, you'd feel differently about her.
That's true.
Isabella's like Jessica Rabbit -- she's not bad -- she's just drawn that way.
Jessica Rabbit.
Hottest cartoon character ever? Prefer Betty Rubble.
- Really? - Yeah.
Neither of those hold a candle to Setsuna Meioh.
Guardian of the space-time door in the "Sailor Moon" manga.
All right.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Let's be adults.
Let's be adults.
Let's talk this through, all right? If you want this case more than me, you should take it.
More than anything ever.
- It's yours.
- God bless you.
All right.
Like I want to do more work.
Great.
So you are available to watch the spelling-bee finals on ESPN2 with me? Available? Yes.
Interested? No.
Why? Is it 'cause Indians always win? You guys do have kind of a lock on it.
And, Carmen, if you could reach out to the client without revealing your negativity I've got some catching up to do on her case.
Later.
Later.
Thank you.
Isabella.
How are you holding up? Wallace.
So sweet of you to come.
Which is roughly what she said.
I'm sorry.
Who said what? Sorry.
A joke.
Uh, occupational hazard.
Uh, who's your friend? He's Harry's lawyer, and, yes, he's a dear friend.
He's also hilarious.
Oh, he's sweet.
Final offer.
Negligent homicide, three years.
I have motive, character witnesses, a deathbed accusation.
For a woman looking at life in prison, this is a gift.
That's very kind of you, but gift rejected.
We're all in.
Good luck.
You too.
Ladies and gentlemen, the state intends to prove that the defendant maliciously killed her husband, billionaire Harry Kaplowitz -- not with a gun or a knife, but with her body.
We contend that, in order to inherit a fortune, the defendant engaged in a daily routine of relentless, predatory sexual conduct -- oral, vaginal, and Otherwise -- until she literally copulated her ailing husband to his very death.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
This, pure and simply, is a love story -- of physical love, yes, but a love that consumes not only the body, but also the soul.
Isabella Kaplowitz made love to her husband, Harry, the night that he died.
Indeed, they made love every night.
Now, as startling as that may seem to the rest of us mere mortals, to Isabella and Harry, it was simply a way of life.
Surely, she should be worshipped, not demonized.
Thank you.
- Are you sure Infeld's is that good? - The guy was sick.
It was like watching Pavarotti play the violin.
Don't bother.
Isabella's case made betwhatever.
Net.
What's that? It's an off-shore betting website.
You can bet on anything -- oscars, elections, death pools What's your point? Well, the odds are 50 to 1 of Isabella getting convicted.
We can deal with those odds.
Yeah, but they jumped 20 points after Infeld crushed his opening.
I don't know -- it's interesting.
I'm just saying, it's interesting.
Eh, I think you might be paranoid on this one.
-Maybe a little jealous.
- What? Me on the big case, you not so much? Dickwad, I bequeathed you that case.
That was a gift.
You only bequeath when you're dead, Jared.
Pretty elementary wills and trusts law.
All right, you got a hunch on this one, check it out.
But just don't do anything crazy.
I can't.
I'm busy with Infeld's spiritual adviser.
Hey, you two.
You're wide open to do something not crazy.
After Harry's second bypass, I doubled his dosage, and I made it very clear to both him and Isabella -- strenuous activity would be deadly.
The autopsy revealed no medication whatsoever in his system.
The body showed signs of dehydration, as well as severe penile bruising.
We were in the ambulance.
He was in full cardiac arrest.
I was performing CPR, and that's when he said it.
What did he say? "She came upstairs and killed me.
" Objection.
Hearsay.
The statement clearly falls under the dying-declaration exception of the hearsay rule.
Your honor, the speaker was having a heart attack.
We have no reason to believe he knew what he was saying.
He was calm.
He even smiled when he said it.
Then he just closed his eyes and died.
Overruled.
The jury may consider the testimony.
Well, don't beat yourself up.
I'll fix this.
So, you pressed the button, and then what happened? Well, I waited for the light to change The light changed.
Then I started to walk my bicycle across.
Okay, and what did you see in the, uh, "walk/don't walk" box thing? I saw a walking person.
Can you describe the person? Really? He was orange, had arms like so.
Stretched like so.
Very round head.
And his -- his legs were extended, which suggested to me Walking Uh, excuse me, uh, I'm sorry, but, um I have to go.
-My wife's water just broke.
- Wow.
-Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Uh, rain check? - Yeah, sure.
- Great.
Yeah.
First one? Yes.
Child.
Yeah, it's -- yeah.
It's my, uh, baby girl.
How wonderful.
Good health to the mother Mm-hmm.
And your new child.
Okay.
Um So we'll do this again.
I'm sorry for But, you know, it's I was his lawyer, certainly, but, first and foremost, we were compadres.
Best friends.
I'll tell you, if I had a dime for every punch line Harry Kaplowitz butchered on the golf course, I'd be the billionaire.
Did the defendant come to visit you in your office only days before her husband's death? She did.
Always great to see her.
Regarding? She wanted to know how much of Harry's money she could access.
No further questions.
Well, tell me, was it out of the ordinary for my client to seek your counsel regarding her financial situation? We'd, uh, we discussed it occasionally.
Hmm.
Now, you say you were a compadre of the deceased.
Do you consider Isabella a compadre? Certainly.
Of course, I was closer to Harry -- In your opinion -- as a compadre -- did Isabella Kaplowitz murder her husband? Not in my opinion.
No way.
Objection! Utter speculation.
Sustained.
The jury will disregard.
Just to be clear, your honor, you're asking the jury to disregard Mr.
Clayton, who knew the couple as well as anybody, to disregard his testimony that my client loved her husband and would never intentionally harm him? Yes, I am, Mr.
Bash -- in spite of your best efforts to keep saying it again and again.
So, I was able to track the betting patterns on Isabella's case -- you were right.
A big bet was made against Isabella Infeld's opening statement.
Which is before it was broadcast on any news outlet.
I mean, they're taking security seriously in there.
Jury's sequestered, and judge issued gag orders on everybody.
Wait a minute.
Someone in the courtroom is betting on the case? Mm-hmm.
So we ran checks.
Guess who has 55 grand in credit card debt? Other than Peter.
Hit me.
Judge Hong.
Better yet, judgy's single biggest debt is to AAA Entertainment, a Nevada company that owns numerous sports books.
I think we found our bettor.
No, no, no.
Too dangerous.
Excuse me.
What did they call me at Indian guide camp? Runs with danger.
Runs with danger! Right.
Come on, I'm just gonna float it out to her honor, real conversation-like.
I'm not talking about jury tampering.
I'm talking about trying to stop someone else from jury tampering.
Based on a hunch? Remember last year? There was gonna be an earthquake? Yeah, you made us leave town and go to Tahoe for the weekend, and there was no earthquake.
And those Blackjack waitresses? All because of my hunch.
Okay.
Just float it in, nicely.
I'm a feather.
And no one can know about it.
Know about what? - Your mama.
- Your mother.
Great.
Listen, Karp, Isabella's gonna take the stand.
I think we need to discuss who's gonna direct her.
Sure.
I'll direct.
We'll decide using a legally sound decision-making process.
Law-off.
Whoever shows the greater knowledge of all matters legal wins.
- Please.
- You chicken? You were summa at S.
C.
, notes editor at the law review.
- How'd you know that? - Facebook.
I didn't friend you.
You should.
You only have 11.
What do you got? What was Marisa Tomei's character's name in "My Cousin Vinny"? That's not a legal question.
- Ruling? - I'll allow it.
Who cares what her name was? A hint -- it was an Oscar-winning performance.
Actually, I dated Marisa briefly.
She was incredible -- as, of course, she was in "Vinny.
" Character's name -- Mona Lisa.
So he's got, like, magic hearing.
Is anyone coming to watch my direct of Isabella? Hmm? How can he not know Marisa Tomei? He's that guy.
"My biological clock is ticking like --" it's like right up there -- that and "Schindler's List.
" Isabella, you went to check on your finances only days before Harry died.
Would you please tell the court why? Well, his 60th birthday was coming up, and I had this crazy -- this extravagant idea about getting him a horse ranch as a surprise.
Harry loved to ride.
Well, very nice surprise.
And yet this was never mentioned in the meeting with Harry's lawyer.
Wallace is such a chatterbox.
I didn't want him to ruin the surprise.
I understand.
Look, I don't want to be indelicate, but I have to ask you about all this sex and, uh, love-making.
The doctor did warn you both, didn't he, about strenuous activity? Well, we took precautions.
We, uh, we paced ourselves.
Harry even had a safe word for when he felt winded.
Oh, really? And, uh, what was that? Cantaloupe.
He was allergic.
Oh.
Pity.
Such a delicious fruit.
Such precautions, and yet Harry wasn't taking his heart medication.
That I didn't know.
Isabella, did you go upstairs that evening and kill your husband, as Harry supposedly stated to the paramedic? Of course not.
I loved Harry.
And I'm lost without him.
Thank you.
Cross-examination after lunch.
Excuse me your honor, uh, Jared Franklin, from the animal-shelter peeping-Tom trial.
Your client was a seriously disturbed man.
Oh, believe me, I still have nightmares.
Um, can I have a minute? Um This is awkward.
So far.
Mm-hmm.
My colleagues are representing Isabella Kaplowitz? I can't discuss that case.
An overzealous clerk at our firm stumbled upon a debt incurred by a certain judge at a certain establishment inLas Vegas.
No judgment.
I bet my freshman tuition against the Lakers three-peat.
And I'm in no way accusing you of betting on this trial, but if you were to, let's say, recuse yourself -- and I'm just thinking of you -- Listen to me, you weasel.
You think -- Whoa, whoa.
We're just talking.
There's nothing unethical about playing in the world series of poker.
And if I choose to put my buy-in on Visa, that is my business and has no impact on this trial.
Exactly! Exactly, your honor.
T-that's what I said! All right, then.
Are we good? This feels good.
We're good! Your testimony paints a picture of an idyllic, loving marriage.
That's what it was.
Did you ever fight with your husband? Rarely.
What about on the night he died? No.
Can you describe your last hours together? We had a quiet dinner, and then we went upstairs.
To the bedroom.
Then what happened? We made love.
Can you be more specific? Objection.
If Mr.
Stein wishes to live out his fantasies, there are more private ways.
Sustained.
No arguments, angry words exchanged? N-no.
Not at all.
No further questions.
The prosecution calls to the stand as a rebuttal witness Delmi Santiago, the Kaplowitzes' housekeeper.
Ms.
Santiago, were you in the Kaplowitz home on the night of Harry Kaplowitz's passing? Yes.
Missus gave me the night off, but I come back for my phone.
What did you hear when you returned? Fighting.
Could you make out any of the words? Mister was yelling, "No! No more! "I don't want that! "Go away! I said 'no'! You leave! "You go away! "Enough is enough! No.
" Anything else? No.
Thank you.
So you did fornicate this poor man into an early grave.
No! No, he wasn't saying "no more" about sex.
Then what? His medicine.
He didn't want to take his medicine.
I was just thinking Yeah? I've got this song Stuck in my head.
Dah, Dee, duh Something about driving down a road.
Oh, it'll come to me.
Isabella, you knew he wasn't taking his medicine.
No, I pleaded with him, and he refused.
He said it dulled his sensations.
See, we need to put her back on the stand.
And admit she knew he was off his meds and still rode him wild? Well, it's better than the jury thinking that Harry was screaming for her to stop riding him.
Okay, but it's a long shot they're gonna believe her if she already lied once.
Cantaloupe.
The -- the -- the safe word.
That's what Harry would've been shouting if he wanted her to stop.
Thank you for believing me.
I believe in you, too.
But this is a setback.
There's no question about that.
The jury are going to see you as a liar.
It's up to us to make sure they don't see you as a liar and a murderer.
Oh! Um You know I'm gonna go make some notes.
I'll be right back.
I will not be able to do anything in court with this thing buzzing in my head.
I had caught him several times not taking his pills.
Usually he would listen to me, but this time he refused.
He said -- he said it made him feel less alive.
Now, you didn't mention that in your earlier testimony.
And no doubt the prosecution will call it a lie.
Am I wrong? Trust me.
He will.
Now, why did you withhold the information? Well, when the police asked me, I-I panicked about not knowing about the meds.
And then I just stuck to my story from there on out.
So you did have sex with your husband that night, knowing that he wasn't medicated.
It's what he wanted.
It's -- it's what we both wanted.
If we were alone and together -- You were making love.
Yes.
Now I'm confused.
You earlier testified that you had no idea that your husband had stopped taking his medication.
So were you lying under oath then or now? Then.
Honestly, Ms.
Kaplowitz, why should the jury believe anything you say? Peter, they accidentally triple-tripled my double-double.
It's like seeing a double rainbow.
Hey, can we focus on rebounding from the bitch-slap that Isabella just took in court today? Speaking of bitch-slap, Judge Hong is clean.
Great.
How bad was it? Humiliating and, somehow, exciting.
Who does that leave us with, then? Okay, guys, so, I just sent you links to every website every juror's visited in the past six months.
What? I got a friend at Homeland Security.
That is great work.
You know, remind us to give you guys a bonus.
How about an elephant ride in Thailand? I don't know.
I was kind of thinking more like a hundred bucks? I was thinking like $50 each.
No, no, no.
I was at juror number 5's Internet profile, and it links to her wedding registry.
It's pretty impressive.
All these items are for a honeymoon trip to Thailand.
Meals, massages, elephant rides Don't eat that, please.
Juror number 5? She's a teacher.
Her fiancé's a teacher.
She lives in an apartment.
How can she afford a sick trip like that? Wow, looks like somebody upgraded their honeymoon, big-time.
But how does our bridezilla communicate with someone on the outside? An intermediary.
Security guard, room service.
They got to eat in.
Field trip? 2, 3 Yeah, we'll be there in 15 minutes.
Okay.
Uh, y-you can't be down here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm lost.
I'm looking for the V.
I.
P.
Elevator.
I have an appointment.
Uh, and you are? A chiropractor.
A chiro-- where's your table? Oh, I have my own technique.
Okay.
- Okay.
- This way.
Remember -- think starvation diet.
She needs to get into her wedding dress.
Whoa! Definitely not our bride.
Uh, no.
That would be juror number 3.
Bastard.
Got it.
Or do you? One of these has to be Annabelle's.
Or juror number 12.
Prada belt, 30-inch waist, highlights.
This one has croutons.
Bridezilla can't risk the carbs.
- Nicely done.
- Thank you.
Oh, I think it's obviously a very pristine kitchen.
I'd say a "B.
" - "B"? - Oh.
What is that? What's that? Possible infestation.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Yep.
-I'll bring this to the lab.
- Good.
This is where I check out.
Miss you already.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've seen and heard the evidence against my client.
But remember, what the eyes sometimes see, the heart always feels.
That's beautiful.
Oh, Debbie.
Yeah, thank you.
Closing argument, you know, it's the only opportunity for a lawyer to reach directly into the soul of a juror.
I meant the karate outfit.
Oh.
Oh.
Actually, it's called a "gi.
" - Oh.
- Mm.
Well, Isabella's here.
Oh, please.
Isabella.
Hello.
I'm sorry about the short notice.
I just didn't want there to be any more surprises.
Oh, dear.
That makes me think there are going to be surprises.
Harry and I argued about more than just his medication that night.
Well, what? No -- "who?" Harry was jealous of my friendship with Wallace Clayton.
It was strictly platonic, but he felt threatened by it.
Wallace -- that irritating jokester? Let's get this perfectly clear.
So you weren't arguing about the medication.
No, we were.
ButHarry was agitated because of Wallace.
Oh, I wanted to dispel any kind of notions that I had any romantic feelings towards him.
So, when we had sex I kicked my efforts into high gear.
Mm.
And it was a gear I didn't -- I didn't know I had.
Oh.
And now he's gone.
And it's because of me.
That's a hell of a way to go.
-I feel better now.
- Good.
Excuse me.
What the hell? Surprise inspection.
Oh.
What do we have here? All right! Let go! You are looking at a felony charge for obstruction of justice, Mr.
Clean.
Look, I'm just the middle-man.
Where does this go next? I fax it to a guy who runs the book at an off-strip place in Vegas.
I'll give you the number.
We don't care about that guy.
We care about your friend upstairs.
You want us to forget we met you? Then you go deliver one more message.
You tell her to be down in the lobby in 10 minutes.
She can't leave her room.
Oh, we'll take care of that.
There's gonna be a fire drill.
You're going to pull a fire alarm? No.
You are.
At some point, you're gonna have to tell me how you know about the hooker elevator.
Yeah, I know about baseball, too.
Doesn't make me center fielder for the Dodgers.
Oh, there she is.
You're on.
- Oh, got it.
- Go, go, go.
- Hey.
- What the Come with me.
Who are you? Don't worry about that.
You're looking at conjugal visits on your honeymoon.
Listen, this wasn't my idea.
Oh, really? Well, whose was it? My maid of honor's brother.
I was just sent messages saying that they would pay me 50 grand to give updates on how the jury was leaning.
Okay.
So, his idea, but you went through with it.
Look, look, look.
Please don't turn me in.
I just wanted a better honeymoon.
All right? I mean, it might be my last shot to see the world.
Oh, right.
At the expense of sending an innocent woman to prison? No, no, no.
I was just giving a head count of how I thought they were gonna vote.
I mean, I wasn't betting on the outcome.
I am just doing my civic duty here, okay? I bet you just throw the jury summons in the trash.
I can't serve on a jury, me being a convicted felon and all? Hey, which is something you and I are gonna have in common once we tell the judge what you've been up to.
No.
What's going on with the deliberation? Going in, we all figured she was guilty, but now a few of us aren't sure.
Like me.
We got the juror, dead to right.
How in the world did you guys uncover this? Don't ask, don't tell.
We tell the judge.
It's a slam-dunk mistrial.
And then a slam-dunk retrial.
You know, this corruption -- and our knowledge of it -- if it's ever exposed, I mean, it could be disastrous both for Isabella and for our firm.
Wow, I'm sorry.
Someone actually said something sane.
We could keep the trial going but get rid of the juror.
There is a way to get rid of the bride without a mistrial.
In which case we'd be making an acquittal even less likely.
No, better to win the honest way, even if it proves to be the hard way.
Except one thing -- we're losing.
Oh, no.
Not this guy.
Morning Joe with the dream team.
Isabella, could I have a word? Um, if I may, a prosecution witness conversing with a defendant is inadvisable for both sides.
I was merely going to tell Isabella that, had no objection been raised, I would have said I don't believe she was responsible for this tragedy.
Thank you, Wallace.
Oh, dear.
All these gloomy faces.
Here's a zinger that might cheer you up.
This old deaf guy gets fitted for a hearing aid -- works like a charm.
A month later, he comes back to the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "your family must be pleased that you can hear again.
" The old deaf guy says, "I haven't told 'em yet.
"I just sit around all day listening.
I've changed my will three times already!" Changed his will three times already! Oldguyscrackingwise.
com.
Laugh riot.
My grandpa used to tell a joke about an old blind guy who gets glasses -- No, it's cataract surgery.
I know that one.
Oh.
My grandpa told it with glasses.
Well, he told it wrong.
So, see you in court.
I like him.
Yeah.
He's all right.
You know, Wallace is Isabella's oldest friend.
Mm.
He does seem rather sweet on her, doesn't he? How sweet was Wallace on you? Well We did have a bit of an awkward exchange after the funeral when he was trying to be A bit too comforting? Really? You didn't mention that during his testimony.
I didn't find it to be relevant.
Perhaps it's not, but tell us anyway.
Well, I just played it off like one of his gags.
And I think he -- I think he was upset, but he got the message, and then that was it.
Unless that wasn't it.
No mistrial.
Tell the judge We need to question one more witness.
Thank you for allowing us to question you again, Mr.
Clayton.
Hey, I got enough time to make my own coal.
Did you get that, darlin'? I got enough time Everyone heard you, Mr.
Clayton.
That wasn't the issue.
Ouch.
Heckled from the bench.
You testified before this court that you consider Isabella to be a compadre.
But that's a bit of an understatement, don't you think? Meaning? Meaning you'd like to tap that bootie.
How dare you?! What does that mean, exactly? Objection! -Mr.
Bash.
- "Bootie" withdrawn.
But do you deny having the hots for my client? She is a lovely woman.
Yes.
A woman you've resented all these years for not giving you what she so lovingly gave your deceased best friend.
Objection! Withdrawn.
You told us that you and Harry were big yucksters.
You ever read oldguyscrackingwise.
com? You know that I do.
Yeah.
Me too.
I'm a big fan.
But you know what? I got a zinger for you.
I got a zinger.
-Man is told -- - Objection! A little leeway, please.
Thank you.
A man is told by his doctor that any more sex would kill him.
So he abstains for weeks.
He sleeps downstairs in his guest room.
And then late one night, the guy runs into his wife on the stairwell.
And he says to her, "I was coming upstairs to die --" No, no! No, that's not it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hold on.
I got it.
He says, "I was coming up to die, and --" I'll tell it! The man says, "I was coming upstairs to commit suicide.
" So the wife says, "what a coincidence.
I was coming downstairs to kill you.
" That very joke ran on your favorite website three days before your best friend died.
Did Harry know this joke? And again, you are under oath.
He did.
And three nights later, when Harry "The butcher of all punch lines" Kaplowitz said to the paramedic that his wife was coming upstairs to kill him, was he not, in your opinion, simply trying to tell a joke? He was.
But you've kept it to yourself all this time, cruelly punishing Isabella Kaplowitz for rebuffing your advances.
Have you not, sir? No further questions.
Ladies and gentlemen, well, as I said before, this is a love story.
Now, as it turns out, it's a love triangle.
You see, what had been spun as a dying accusation was, in fact, the ultimate profession of love, uttered by Harry, so we're told, with a smile on his face, a final tip of the hat to the woman that loved him so indescribably, and who ultimately granted him that wish to live -- and, if need be, to die -- on his own terms.
- Not bad.
- Team effort.
Mm.
We still have a rogue juror.
We want to win fair.
Patience.
Showed me more positions than I ever remember in the "Kama Sutra.
" Now, is Isabella's loyalty to Harry not the purest expression of love that we could ever imagine? And how could we in all good conscience send this woman to prison for loving her husband so? Surely, ladies and gentlemen We cannot.
Thank you.
Wait! Um, I, uh, I think that I put the wrong date on the invitations! And I forgot chicken on the menu! And if I don't get to a treadmill, my wedding dress is going to be worthless! Bailiffs! I told you not to pick me for this!! What are you looking at, dickhead?! What are you looking at? Turn around! I have things to do today! I can't do this today! I'm not ready! Calm down.
Down at the reception hall! She really commits, doesn't she? Hey, how's the baby? What baby? Oh, he's -- he's great.
He's great.
Thank you.
I thought it was a girl.
She's great, too.
Uh, twins.
Did you get my gift baskets? Yeah, thank you for the gift.
Don't thank me.
I never sent them.
Then who did? I didn't send a gift because you didn't have a baby.
Yes, he did.
Right! Yeah.
I mean, I'll show you a picture if you want, but I got to warn you, they're fresh out the oven, so Oh, yeah, there's a lot of slime involved.
Yeah -- Sure, I'd love to see it.
You do? Yeah.
How far you want to go with this? I'm done.
I didn't have a baby.
How'd you know? I'm a holy man.
- Well, I - Like a psychic? Like I checked it out with Infeld.
I'm sorry.
I was in a hurry, and I made up a little white lie.
I apologize.
Forgiven? No.
Really? You're a spiritual adviser? It seemswrong.
I like lawyers who are honest.
I'll do the case for free.
How about that? - That's fair.
Okay.
- Okay.
Hey.
Verdict was reached.
Okay, we gotta run.
Whatever you say.
Yeah, later.
Oh, by the way, Sparky -- you have one more shot with Janie.
How did he know about Janie? I don't know.
Have you reached a verdict? We have, your honor.
In the matter of California vs.
Isabella Kaplowitz, we, the jury, find the defendant not guilty.
Yeah! Indeed.
Uh, I need one of those.
Excuse me.
It makes me really happy.
So, Hilary, yes, call Raul.
Tell him dinner at 8:00.
And tell him to open a '91 bottle of that Red Hawk that he's been going on about.
All right, thank you.
Wow.
Somebody's celebrating tonight.
You're all joining me! You always roll this big? Well, this is a little rich for us.
The '91 Hawk -- that's a $5,000 bottle of wine.
Admittedly it's a tad higher-end than usual, but the bill wasn't so hard to swallow in light of the Vegas jackpot that I just hit.
Whoa, whoa.
You did not.
Well, when the odds were 50 to 1 against me, how could I resist? I mean, there's nothing unethical about betting on oneself, as far as I know.
So, cocktails 7:30 tonight.
Bring a lady if you must.
But don't get pissy when they want to come home with me.
He's not kidding.
We should have gotten on that action.
We did.
I parlayed the Cabo vacation fund.
You the man! Yeah, I'm the man.
- Wait a minute.
- Huh? You were betting against us winning.
Well, it was like 50 to 1 odds.
I mean, you know, it's a sure thing.
No, no, no.
How much? How much?! Ohh.
Ohh.
You all right? No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! Wait, listen! You're getting it all wrong! You've got a wonderful thing going on
Ooh, standards more lax than I'd have thought.
Good for me.
Saint Peter tells you you can either return to earth as a ghost, Whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
A ghost like Casper, or Bruce Willis from "The Sixth Sense"? What do you mean? Bruce Willis? Turns out he was a ghost all along? Thanks for the spoiler alert, dick.
You've never seen "Sixth Sense"? No! You've seen like every Rob Schneider movie.
Is Rob Schneider in "The Sixth Sense"? Working on your base? Ah, the morning sun through these windows provides optimal tanning while the tint on the glass refracts U.
V.
rays.
He has done a lot of research on this.
Karp wanted to know if you were working on any actual cases.
Yes.
Tell him we're in the middle of an important discovery motion on People v.
Kiss My Ass.
Does the, uh, ripped body offend? I've seen you firmer.
Do I look less firm to you? Well, you are kind of a mess.
Hey, you want to see a real live murderer up close? Is this about "The Sixth Sense" again? Ms.
Kaplowitz? It is you.
Peter Bash.
I just want to say that I am blown away at how one-sided the media coverage of your case has been.
- I appreciate that.
- Yeah, and, frankly, I am disgusted at the paparazzi's refusal to allow you to mourn the loss of your husband.
I mean, following you on the beach when you had on that killer thong.
And Not "killer" as in, you know, like, "eeh, eeh, eeh," but just primo.
How thoughtful of you to say.
Isabella! Stanton.
- How are you? - I've been better.
I know.
It's so good to see you.
Well, shall we begin? Oh, this is my colleague, Damien Karp.
Good to see you.
And by "colleague," he means "nephew.
" Ooh! I like the boxers.
Shall we begin? You know, there are 27 senior partners, including our New York firm.
And in September, Stanton's little experiment called "you two" is gonna get put up to a vote.
You're not gonna make it past the first ballot.
So, I don't know.
Photocopy your butts.
Steal some pens -- whatever.
Why would he think we didn't photocopy our butts already? "Black widow of Bel Air.
" "Horndog heiress.
" Ooh, my favorite.
"Murder by vagina.
" Stanton, Harry was my life.
You know that.
I would never have done anything to hurt him, much less kill him.
Good.
But I must say, you know, for the district attorney to pursue a murder conviction based on the theory of intentional oversexing -- I mean, well, he must be fairly confident that his evidence will hold up.
Did you really take a bath before calling 911? He was fine before I left.
He was smiling, and he was falling asleep.
And, um, about 20 minutes later, uh, I heard a crash.
That's when I rushed in.
He had knocked over a clock.
And he was He was struggling to breathe.
That's when I called.
Everybody thinks I'm a killer.
I'm not.
I'm a widow who's devastated by the loss of her husband.
But you knew he had a heart condition.
Well, he was a very passionate man.
I wasn't going to deny him what he wanted.
All right.
I mean, you say it's what he wanted, and yet your husband says otherwise.
"Dying billionaire's last words -- 'She came upstairs to kill me.
'" I can't explain that.
All I can say is, it's not true.
And so we must prove.
Ooh, what a mixture such a vivid picture ooh, what a mixture if I must say so myself Oh.
Hey, look at you.
Big-boy clothes.
We want in.
No way.
He's asking the guy who actually decides things.
You said you wanted us on a case.
I'm second chair, and we're staffed.
Have you any experience of defending a murder trial? No.
And we need some, big-time.
Yeah.
And who better to learn from than the emperor of defense? No one calls him that.
- I call you that.
- I like it.
You know, I really don't see a reason why we can't have a third chair on a case of this magnitude.
Actually, I can think of about 100 reasons, top of which would be Winning.
All right.
Listen.
One of you comes on.
The other jumps on a civil matter that my spiritual adviser is bringing in.
-Work it out.
- All right.
We could be working together.
I mean, Christmas came early for you, pal.
Well, we're gonna need to celebrate early, 'cause you won't be here in December.
- Oh.
- Oh! The "fired" thing again.
Don't So which of us gets the case? Carmen and Pindar, choose! I can't.
It's like having to choose between my two gay fathers.
You have two gay fathers? Carmen? Neither one of you should do it.
She's guilty! I read in People that she friggin' took a bubble bath before she even called 911.
First of all, that's a sexy, if not twisted, image.
And second, if you met Isabella, you'd feel differently about her.
That's true.
Isabella's like Jessica Rabbit -- she's not bad -- she's just drawn that way.
Jessica Rabbit.
Hottest cartoon character ever? Prefer Betty Rubble.
- Really? - Yeah.
Neither of those hold a candle to Setsuna Meioh.
Guardian of the space-time door in the "Sailor Moon" manga.
All right.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Let's be adults.
Let's be adults.
Let's talk this through, all right? If you want this case more than me, you should take it.
More than anything ever.
- It's yours.
- God bless you.
All right.
Like I want to do more work.
Great.
So you are available to watch the spelling-bee finals on ESPN2 with me? Available? Yes.
Interested? No.
Why? Is it 'cause Indians always win? You guys do have kind of a lock on it.
And, Carmen, if you could reach out to the client without revealing your negativity I've got some catching up to do on her case.
Later.
Later.
Thank you.
Isabella.
How are you holding up? Wallace.
So sweet of you to come.
Which is roughly what she said.
I'm sorry.
Who said what? Sorry.
A joke.
Uh, occupational hazard.
Uh, who's your friend? He's Harry's lawyer, and, yes, he's a dear friend.
He's also hilarious.
Oh, he's sweet.
Final offer.
Negligent homicide, three years.
I have motive, character witnesses, a deathbed accusation.
For a woman looking at life in prison, this is a gift.
That's very kind of you, but gift rejected.
We're all in.
Good luck.
You too.
Ladies and gentlemen, the state intends to prove that the defendant maliciously killed her husband, billionaire Harry Kaplowitz -- not with a gun or a knife, but with her body.
We contend that, in order to inherit a fortune, the defendant engaged in a daily routine of relentless, predatory sexual conduct -- oral, vaginal, and Otherwise -- until she literally copulated her ailing husband to his very death.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
This, pure and simply, is a love story -- of physical love, yes, but a love that consumes not only the body, but also the soul.
Isabella Kaplowitz made love to her husband, Harry, the night that he died.
Indeed, they made love every night.
Now, as startling as that may seem to the rest of us mere mortals, to Isabella and Harry, it was simply a way of life.
Surely, she should be worshipped, not demonized.
Thank you.
- Are you sure Infeld's is that good? - The guy was sick.
It was like watching Pavarotti play the violin.
Don't bother.
Isabella's case made betwhatever.
Net.
What's that? It's an off-shore betting website.
You can bet on anything -- oscars, elections, death pools What's your point? Well, the odds are 50 to 1 of Isabella getting convicted.
We can deal with those odds.
Yeah, but they jumped 20 points after Infeld crushed his opening.
I don't know -- it's interesting.
I'm just saying, it's interesting.
Eh, I think you might be paranoid on this one.
-Maybe a little jealous.
- What? Me on the big case, you not so much? Dickwad, I bequeathed you that case.
That was a gift.
You only bequeath when you're dead, Jared.
Pretty elementary wills and trusts law.
All right, you got a hunch on this one, check it out.
But just don't do anything crazy.
I can't.
I'm busy with Infeld's spiritual adviser.
Hey, you two.
You're wide open to do something not crazy.
After Harry's second bypass, I doubled his dosage, and I made it very clear to both him and Isabella -- strenuous activity would be deadly.
The autopsy revealed no medication whatsoever in his system.
The body showed signs of dehydration, as well as severe penile bruising.
We were in the ambulance.
He was in full cardiac arrest.
I was performing CPR, and that's when he said it.
What did he say? "She came upstairs and killed me.
" Objection.
Hearsay.
The statement clearly falls under the dying-declaration exception of the hearsay rule.
Your honor, the speaker was having a heart attack.
We have no reason to believe he knew what he was saying.
He was calm.
He even smiled when he said it.
Then he just closed his eyes and died.
Overruled.
The jury may consider the testimony.
Well, don't beat yourself up.
I'll fix this.
So, you pressed the button, and then what happened? Well, I waited for the light to change The light changed.
Then I started to walk my bicycle across.
Okay, and what did you see in the, uh, "walk/don't walk" box thing? I saw a walking person.
Can you describe the person? Really? He was orange, had arms like so.
Stretched like so.
Very round head.
And his -- his legs were extended, which suggested to me Walking Uh, excuse me, uh, I'm sorry, but, um I have to go.
-My wife's water just broke.
- Wow.
-Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Uh, rain check? - Yeah, sure.
- Great.
Yeah.
First one? Yes.
Child.
Yeah, it's -- yeah.
It's my, uh, baby girl.
How wonderful.
Good health to the mother Mm-hmm.
And your new child.
Okay.
Um So we'll do this again.
I'm sorry for But, you know, it's I was his lawyer, certainly, but, first and foremost, we were compadres.
Best friends.
I'll tell you, if I had a dime for every punch line Harry Kaplowitz butchered on the golf course, I'd be the billionaire.
Did the defendant come to visit you in your office only days before her husband's death? She did.
Always great to see her.
Regarding? She wanted to know how much of Harry's money she could access.
No further questions.
Well, tell me, was it out of the ordinary for my client to seek your counsel regarding her financial situation? We'd, uh, we discussed it occasionally.
Hmm.
Now, you say you were a compadre of the deceased.
Do you consider Isabella a compadre? Certainly.
Of course, I was closer to Harry -- In your opinion -- as a compadre -- did Isabella Kaplowitz murder her husband? Not in my opinion.
No way.
Objection! Utter speculation.
Sustained.
The jury will disregard.
Just to be clear, your honor, you're asking the jury to disregard Mr.
Clayton, who knew the couple as well as anybody, to disregard his testimony that my client loved her husband and would never intentionally harm him? Yes, I am, Mr.
Bash -- in spite of your best efforts to keep saying it again and again.
So, I was able to track the betting patterns on Isabella's case -- you were right.
A big bet was made against Isabella Infeld's opening statement.
Which is before it was broadcast on any news outlet.
I mean, they're taking security seriously in there.
Jury's sequestered, and judge issued gag orders on everybody.
Wait a minute.
Someone in the courtroom is betting on the case? Mm-hmm.
So we ran checks.
Guess who has 55 grand in credit card debt? Other than Peter.
Hit me.
Judge Hong.
Better yet, judgy's single biggest debt is to AAA Entertainment, a Nevada company that owns numerous sports books.
I think we found our bettor.
No, no, no.
Too dangerous.
Excuse me.
What did they call me at Indian guide camp? Runs with danger.
Runs with danger! Right.
Come on, I'm just gonna float it out to her honor, real conversation-like.
I'm not talking about jury tampering.
I'm talking about trying to stop someone else from jury tampering.
Based on a hunch? Remember last year? There was gonna be an earthquake? Yeah, you made us leave town and go to Tahoe for the weekend, and there was no earthquake.
And those Blackjack waitresses? All because of my hunch.
Okay.
Just float it in, nicely.
I'm a feather.
And no one can know about it.
Know about what? - Your mama.
- Your mother.
Great.
Listen, Karp, Isabella's gonna take the stand.
I think we need to discuss who's gonna direct her.
Sure.
I'll direct.
We'll decide using a legally sound decision-making process.
Law-off.
Whoever shows the greater knowledge of all matters legal wins.
- Please.
- You chicken? You were summa at S.
C.
, notes editor at the law review.
- How'd you know that? - Facebook.
I didn't friend you.
You should.
You only have 11.
What do you got? What was Marisa Tomei's character's name in "My Cousin Vinny"? That's not a legal question.
- Ruling? - I'll allow it.
Who cares what her name was? A hint -- it was an Oscar-winning performance.
Actually, I dated Marisa briefly.
She was incredible -- as, of course, she was in "Vinny.
" Character's name -- Mona Lisa.
So he's got, like, magic hearing.
Is anyone coming to watch my direct of Isabella? Hmm? How can he not know Marisa Tomei? He's that guy.
"My biological clock is ticking like --" it's like right up there -- that and "Schindler's List.
" Isabella, you went to check on your finances only days before Harry died.
Would you please tell the court why? Well, his 60th birthday was coming up, and I had this crazy -- this extravagant idea about getting him a horse ranch as a surprise.
Harry loved to ride.
Well, very nice surprise.
And yet this was never mentioned in the meeting with Harry's lawyer.
Wallace is such a chatterbox.
I didn't want him to ruin the surprise.
I understand.
Look, I don't want to be indelicate, but I have to ask you about all this sex and, uh, love-making.
The doctor did warn you both, didn't he, about strenuous activity? Well, we took precautions.
We, uh, we paced ourselves.
Harry even had a safe word for when he felt winded.
Oh, really? And, uh, what was that? Cantaloupe.
He was allergic.
Oh.
Pity.
Such a delicious fruit.
Such precautions, and yet Harry wasn't taking his heart medication.
That I didn't know.
Isabella, did you go upstairs that evening and kill your husband, as Harry supposedly stated to the paramedic? Of course not.
I loved Harry.
And I'm lost without him.
Thank you.
Cross-examination after lunch.
Excuse me your honor, uh, Jared Franklin, from the animal-shelter peeping-Tom trial.
Your client was a seriously disturbed man.
Oh, believe me, I still have nightmares.
Um, can I have a minute? Um This is awkward.
So far.
Mm-hmm.
My colleagues are representing Isabella Kaplowitz? I can't discuss that case.
An overzealous clerk at our firm stumbled upon a debt incurred by a certain judge at a certain establishment inLas Vegas.
No judgment.
I bet my freshman tuition against the Lakers three-peat.
And I'm in no way accusing you of betting on this trial, but if you were to, let's say, recuse yourself -- and I'm just thinking of you -- Listen to me, you weasel.
You think -- Whoa, whoa.
We're just talking.
There's nothing unethical about playing in the world series of poker.
And if I choose to put my buy-in on Visa, that is my business and has no impact on this trial.
Exactly! Exactly, your honor.
T-that's what I said! All right, then.
Are we good? This feels good.
We're good! Your testimony paints a picture of an idyllic, loving marriage.
That's what it was.
Did you ever fight with your husband? Rarely.
What about on the night he died? No.
Can you describe your last hours together? We had a quiet dinner, and then we went upstairs.
To the bedroom.
Then what happened? We made love.
Can you be more specific? Objection.
If Mr.
Stein wishes to live out his fantasies, there are more private ways.
Sustained.
No arguments, angry words exchanged? N-no.
Not at all.
No further questions.
The prosecution calls to the stand as a rebuttal witness Delmi Santiago, the Kaplowitzes' housekeeper.
Ms.
Santiago, were you in the Kaplowitz home on the night of Harry Kaplowitz's passing? Yes.
Missus gave me the night off, but I come back for my phone.
What did you hear when you returned? Fighting.
Could you make out any of the words? Mister was yelling, "No! No more! "I don't want that! "Go away! I said 'no'! You leave! "You go away! "Enough is enough! No.
" Anything else? No.
Thank you.
So you did fornicate this poor man into an early grave.
No! No, he wasn't saying "no more" about sex.
Then what? His medicine.
He didn't want to take his medicine.
I was just thinking Yeah? I've got this song Stuck in my head.
Dah, Dee, duh Something about driving down a road.
Oh, it'll come to me.
Isabella, you knew he wasn't taking his medicine.
No, I pleaded with him, and he refused.
He said it dulled his sensations.
See, we need to put her back on the stand.
And admit she knew he was off his meds and still rode him wild? Well, it's better than the jury thinking that Harry was screaming for her to stop riding him.
Okay, but it's a long shot they're gonna believe her if she already lied once.
Cantaloupe.
The -- the -- the safe word.
That's what Harry would've been shouting if he wanted her to stop.
Thank you for believing me.
I believe in you, too.
But this is a setback.
There's no question about that.
The jury are going to see you as a liar.
It's up to us to make sure they don't see you as a liar and a murderer.
Oh! Um You know I'm gonna go make some notes.
I'll be right back.
I will not be able to do anything in court with this thing buzzing in my head.
I had caught him several times not taking his pills.
Usually he would listen to me, but this time he refused.
He said -- he said it made him feel less alive.
Now, you didn't mention that in your earlier testimony.
And no doubt the prosecution will call it a lie.
Am I wrong? Trust me.
He will.
Now, why did you withhold the information? Well, when the police asked me, I-I panicked about not knowing about the meds.
And then I just stuck to my story from there on out.
So you did have sex with your husband that night, knowing that he wasn't medicated.
It's what he wanted.
It's -- it's what we both wanted.
If we were alone and together -- You were making love.
Yes.
Now I'm confused.
You earlier testified that you had no idea that your husband had stopped taking his medication.
So were you lying under oath then or now? Then.
Honestly, Ms.
Kaplowitz, why should the jury believe anything you say? Peter, they accidentally triple-tripled my double-double.
It's like seeing a double rainbow.
Hey, can we focus on rebounding from the bitch-slap that Isabella just took in court today? Speaking of bitch-slap, Judge Hong is clean.
Great.
How bad was it? Humiliating and, somehow, exciting.
Who does that leave us with, then? Okay, guys, so, I just sent you links to every website every juror's visited in the past six months.
What? I got a friend at Homeland Security.
That is great work.
You know, remind us to give you guys a bonus.
How about an elephant ride in Thailand? I don't know.
I was kind of thinking more like a hundred bucks? I was thinking like $50 each.
No, no, no.
I was at juror number 5's Internet profile, and it links to her wedding registry.
It's pretty impressive.
All these items are for a honeymoon trip to Thailand.
Meals, massages, elephant rides Don't eat that, please.
Juror number 5? She's a teacher.
Her fiancé's a teacher.
She lives in an apartment.
How can she afford a sick trip like that? Wow, looks like somebody upgraded their honeymoon, big-time.
But how does our bridezilla communicate with someone on the outside? An intermediary.
Security guard, room service.
They got to eat in.
Field trip? 2, 3 Yeah, we'll be there in 15 minutes.
Okay.
Uh, y-you can't be down here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm lost.
I'm looking for the V.
I.
P.
Elevator.
I have an appointment.
Uh, and you are? A chiropractor.
A chiro-- where's your table? Oh, I have my own technique.
Okay.
- Okay.
- This way.
Remember -- think starvation diet.
She needs to get into her wedding dress.
Whoa! Definitely not our bride.
Uh, no.
That would be juror number 3.
Bastard.
Got it.
Or do you? One of these has to be Annabelle's.
Or juror number 12.
Prada belt, 30-inch waist, highlights.
This one has croutons.
Bridezilla can't risk the carbs.
- Nicely done.
- Thank you.
Oh, I think it's obviously a very pristine kitchen.
I'd say a "B.
" - "B"? - Oh.
What is that? What's that? Possible infestation.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Yep.
-I'll bring this to the lab.
- Good.
This is where I check out.
Miss you already.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've seen and heard the evidence against my client.
But remember, what the eyes sometimes see, the heart always feels.
That's beautiful.
Oh, Debbie.
Yeah, thank you.
Closing argument, you know, it's the only opportunity for a lawyer to reach directly into the soul of a juror.
I meant the karate outfit.
Oh.
Oh.
Actually, it's called a "gi.
" - Oh.
- Mm.
Well, Isabella's here.
Oh, please.
Isabella.
Hello.
I'm sorry about the short notice.
I just didn't want there to be any more surprises.
Oh, dear.
That makes me think there are going to be surprises.
Harry and I argued about more than just his medication that night.
Well, what? No -- "who?" Harry was jealous of my friendship with Wallace Clayton.
It was strictly platonic, but he felt threatened by it.
Wallace -- that irritating jokester? Let's get this perfectly clear.
So you weren't arguing about the medication.
No, we were.
ButHarry was agitated because of Wallace.
Oh, I wanted to dispel any kind of notions that I had any romantic feelings towards him.
So, when we had sex I kicked my efforts into high gear.
Mm.
And it was a gear I didn't -- I didn't know I had.
Oh.
And now he's gone.
And it's because of me.
That's a hell of a way to go.
-I feel better now.
- Good.
Excuse me.
What the hell? Surprise inspection.
Oh.
What do we have here? All right! Let go! You are looking at a felony charge for obstruction of justice, Mr.
Clean.
Look, I'm just the middle-man.
Where does this go next? I fax it to a guy who runs the book at an off-strip place in Vegas.
I'll give you the number.
We don't care about that guy.
We care about your friend upstairs.
You want us to forget we met you? Then you go deliver one more message.
You tell her to be down in the lobby in 10 minutes.
She can't leave her room.
Oh, we'll take care of that.
There's gonna be a fire drill.
You're going to pull a fire alarm? No.
You are.
At some point, you're gonna have to tell me how you know about the hooker elevator.
Yeah, I know about baseball, too.
Doesn't make me center fielder for the Dodgers.
Oh, there she is.
You're on.
- Oh, got it.
- Go, go, go.
- Hey.
- What the Come with me.
Who are you? Don't worry about that.
You're looking at conjugal visits on your honeymoon.
Listen, this wasn't my idea.
Oh, really? Well, whose was it? My maid of honor's brother.
I was just sent messages saying that they would pay me 50 grand to give updates on how the jury was leaning.
Okay.
So, his idea, but you went through with it.
Look, look, look.
Please don't turn me in.
I just wanted a better honeymoon.
All right? I mean, it might be my last shot to see the world.
Oh, right.
At the expense of sending an innocent woman to prison? No, no, no.
I was just giving a head count of how I thought they were gonna vote.
I mean, I wasn't betting on the outcome.
I am just doing my civic duty here, okay? I bet you just throw the jury summons in the trash.
I can't serve on a jury, me being a convicted felon and all? Hey, which is something you and I are gonna have in common once we tell the judge what you've been up to.
No.
What's going on with the deliberation? Going in, we all figured she was guilty, but now a few of us aren't sure.
Like me.
We got the juror, dead to right.
How in the world did you guys uncover this? Don't ask, don't tell.
We tell the judge.
It's a slam-dunk mistrial.
And then a slam-dunk retrial.
You know, this corruption -- and our knowledge of it -- if it's ever exposed, I mean, it could be disastrous both for Isabella and for our firm.
Wow, I'm sorry.
Someone actually said something sane.
We could keep the trial going but get rid of the juror.
There is a way to get rid of the bride without a mistrial.
In which case we'd be making an acquittal even less likely.
No, better to win the honest way, even if it proves to be the hard way.
Except one thing -- we're losing.
Oh, no.
Not this guy.
Morning Joe with the dream team.
Isabella, could I have a word? Um, if I may, a prosecution witness conversing with a defendant is inadvisable for both sides.
I was merely going to tell Isabella that, had no objection been raised, I would have said I don't believe she was responsible for this tragedy.
Thank you, Wallace.
Oh, dear.
All these gloomy faces.
Here's a zinger that might cheer you up.
This old deaf guy gets fitted for a hearing aid -- works like a charm.
A month later, he comes back to the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "your family must be pleased that you can hear again.
" The old deaf guy says, "I haven't told 'em yet.
"I just sit around all day listening.
I've changed my will three times already!" Changed his will three times already! Oldguyscrackingwise.
com.
Laugh riot.
My grandpa used to tell a joke about an old blind guy who gets glasses -- No, it's cataract surgery.
I know that one.
Oh.
My grandpa told it with glasses.
Well, he told it wrong.
So, see you in court.
I like him.
Yeah.
He's all right.
You know, Wallace is Isabella's oldest friend.
Mm.
He does seem rather sweet on her, doesn't he? How sweet was Wallace on you? Well We did have a bit of an awkward exchange after the funeral when he was trying to be A bit too comforting? Really? You didn't mention that during his testimony.
I didn't find it to be relevant.
Perhaps it's not, but tell us anyway.
Well, I just played it off like one of his gags.
And I think he -- I think he was upset, but he got the message, and then that was it.
Unless that wasn't it.
No mistrial.
Tell the judge We need to question one more witness.
Thank you for allowing us to question you again, Mr.
Clayton.
Hey, I got enough time to make my own coal.
Did you get that, darlin'? I got enough time Everyone heard you, Mr.
Clayton.
That wasn't the issue.
Ouch.
Heckled from the bench.
You testified before this court that you consider Isabella to be a compadre.
But that's a bit of an understatement, don't you think? Meaning? Meaning you'd like to tap that bootie.
How dare you?! What does that mean, exactly? Objection! -Mr.
Bash.
- "Bootie" withdrawn.
But do you deny having the hots for my client? She is a lovely woman.
Yes.
A woman you've resented all these years for not giving you what she so lovingly gave your deceased best friend.
Objection! Withdrawn.
You told us that you and Harry were big yucksters.
You ever read oldguyscrackingwise.
com? You know that I do.
Yeah.
Me too.
I'm a big fan.
But you know what? I got a zinger for you.
I got a zinger.
-Man is told -- - Objection! A little leeway, please.
Thank you.
A man is told by his doctor that any more sex would kill him.
So he abstains for weeks.
He sleeps downstairs in his guest room.
And then late one night, the guy runs into his wife on the stairwell.
And he says to her, "I was coming upstairs to die --" No, no! No, that's not it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hold on.
I got it.
He says, "I was coming up to die, and --" I'll tell it! The man says, "I was coming upstairs to commit suicide.
" So the wife says, "what a coincidence.
I was coming downstairs to kill you.
" That very joke ran on your favorite website three days before your best friend died.
Did Harry know this joke? And again, you are under oath.
He did.
And three nights later, when Harry "The butcher of all punch lines" Kaplowitz said to the paramedic that his wife was coming upstairs to kill him, was he not, in your opinion, simply trying to tell a joke? He was.
But you've kept it to yourself all this time, cruelly punishing Isabella Kaplowitz for rebuffing your advances.
Have you not, sir? No further questions.
Ladies and gentlemen, well, as I said before, this is a love story.
Now, as it turns out, it's a love triangle.
You see, what had been spun as a dying accusation was, in fact, the ultimate profession of love, uttered by Harry, so we're told, with a smile on his face, a final tip of the hat to the woman that loved him so indescribably, and who ultimately granted him that wish to live -- and, if need be, to die -- on his own terms.
- Not bad.
- Team effort.
Mm.
We still have a rogue juror.
We want to win fair.
Patience.
Showed me more positions than I ever remember in the "Kama Sutra.
" Now, is Isabella's loyalty to Harry not the purest expression of love that we could ever imagine? And how could we in all good conscience send this woman to prison for loving her husband so? Surely, ladies and gentlemen We cannot.
Thank you.
Wait! Um, I, uh, I think that I put the wrong date on the invitations! And I forgot chicken on the menu! And if I don't get to a treadmill, my wedding dress is going to be worthless! Bailiffs! I told you not to pick me for this!! What are you looking at, dickhead?! What are you looking at? Turn around! I have things to do today! I can't do this today! I'm not ready! Calm down.
Down at the reception hall! She really commits, doesn't she? Hey, how's the baby? What baby? Oh, he's -- he's great.
He's great.
Thank you.
I thought it was a girl.
She's great, too.
Uh, twins.
Did you get my gift baskets? Yeah, thank you for the gift.
Don't thank me.
I never sent them.
Then who did? I didn't send a gift because you didn't have a baby.
Yes, he did.
Right! Yeah.
I mean, I'll show you a picture if you want, but I got to warn you, they're fresh out the oven, so Oh, yeah, there's a lot of slime involved.
Yeah -- Sure, I'd love to see it.
You do? Yeah.
How far you want to go with this? I'm done.
I didn't have a baby.
How'd you know? I'm a holy man.
- Well, I - Like a psychic? Like I checked it out with Infeld.
I'm sorry.
I was in a hurry, and I made up a little white lie.
I apologize.
Forgiven? No.
Really? You're a spiritual adviser? It seemswrong.
I like lawyers who are honest.
I'll do the case for free.
How about that? - That's fair.
Okay.
- Okay.
Hey.
Verdict was reached.
Okay, we gotta run.
Whatever you say.
Yeah, later.
Oh, by the way, Sparky -- you have one more shot with Janie.
How did he know about Janie? I don't know.
Have you reached a verdict? We have, your honor.
In the matter of California vs.
Isabella Kaplowitz, we, the jury, find the defendant not guilty.
Yeah! Indeed.
Uh, I need one of those.
Excuse me.
It makes me really happy.
So, Hilary, yes, call Raul.
Tell him dinner at 8:00.
And tell him to open a '91 bottle of that Red Hawk that he's been going on about.
All right, thank you.
Wow.
Somebody's celebrating tonight.
You're all joining me! You always roll this big? Well, this is a little rich for us.
The '91 Hawk -- that's a $5,000 bottle of wine.
Admittedly it's a tad higher-end than usual, but the bill wasn't so hard to swallow in light of the Vegas jackpot that I just hit.
Whoa, whoa.
You did not.
Well, when the odds were 50 to 1 against me, how could I resist? I mean, there's nothing unethical about betting on oneself, as far as I know.
So, cocktails 7:30 tonight.
Bring a lady if you must.
But don't get pissy when they want to come home with me.
He's not kidding.
We should have gotten on that action.
We did.
I parlayed the Cabo vacation fund.
You the man! Yeah, I'm the man.
- Wait a minute.
- Huh? You were betting against us winning.
Well, it was like 50 to 1 odds.
I mean, you know, it's a sure thing.
No, no, no.
How much? How much?! Ohh.
Ohh.
You all right? No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! Wait, listen! You're getting it all wrong! You've got a wonderful thing going on