Freakazoid! (1995) s01e02 Episode Script
Candle Jack/Toby Danger in Doomsday Bet/The Lobe
[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]
NARRATOR: A byproduct of Holland's vast tulip industry Scream-O-Vision heightens your viewing experience by prompting you when to scream.
Let's try it now.
MAN: Scream.
[SCREAMING.]
NARRATOR: Good.
And now we proudly present the following cartoon in Scream-O-Vision.
[HOOTING.]
MAN: Scream.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
BO Y: Ooh, that's a good one.
Your turn, Buzz.
Um The scariest thing in the world would be if, uh If all the air in the world turned to wood.
ALL: Ooh Okay, like, the scariest thing in the world would be if, like, you went to grab something and it wasn't there.
Because it turned to wood.
ALL: Ooh The scariest thing in the world would be if they gave Sinbad another TV show.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Sorry about that.
Heh.
That's okay.
I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to visit with the kids.
I know they enjoyed it.
[KIDS SCREAMING AND CRYING.]
Thanks.
Mwah.
MAN: Scream.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
Knock it off.
Well, I better be going.
For somewhere there are wrongs to right, there are foes to fight there are little chunks of carrot in your teeth.
I'd have that taken care of.
It can lead to insanity.
Mm? STEFF: When will I see you again? Well, if I know my cartoons, and I do l'll be back later on to rescue you from something really horrible.
Bye-bye.
[GRUNTING.]
Up, up.
Up, up.
Go up.
Fly.
Freakazoid, you don't fly.
Oh, right.
[WHOOSHING.]
[SIGHS.]
You don't really believe in that stuff about Sinbad getting another TV show, do you, Buzz? No.
The broadcasting industry has all sorts of safeguards to prevent that sort of thing.
The guy you really gotta watch out for is Candle Jack.
Candle Jack? Who's that? He's the bogeyman, the for-real one.
He comes to kids at night and steals them from their beds.
Then he takes them to some secret place and they never ever come back.
- Why does he do that? - Because he's a nut.
Oh.
How does he get you? That's the good part.
He can't.
Not unless you say his name out loud.
So don't say his name, okay? Okay.
Hey, Buzz, we did say his name out loud.
IN UNISON: Uh-oh.
Maybe he didn't hear it.
Hello, boys.
MAN: Scream.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
BOTH: Help, help, help.
It's Candle Jack.
Care to join us? - Don't say it.
- What? Candle Jack.
Oops.
Why, thank you.
No, I said Apple Jacks.
I wanted some Apple Jacks.
- Didn't I? - Yeah.
He didn't say Candle Jack.
Aw, nuts.
[BOTH GRUNT AND GRO AN.]
BO YS: Help, help, help! Huh? What's going on? [GIRL SCREAMING.]
Look, it's Candle Jack! GIRLS: Candle Jack! I'm gonna need more rope.
MAN: Scream.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
NARRATOR: And now, with a rebuttal to the previous scene is Dr.
Gunther Hunterhanker.
I take great exception to the scene in which we have just witnessed a man with a bag on his head scaring and frightening children who are having a nice happy time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let me state, unequivocally and with absolute certainty that it is physically impossible for such a bogeyman to come and get you simply by saying the words "Candle Jack.
" CANDLE JACK: Psst.
Then again [WHOOSHING.]
COSGRO VE: Hey, Freakazoid.
- Hmm? [WHOOSHING.]
Oh, hi, Cosgrove.
You wanna go to the Honey Harvest Festival in Acton? Really? Are? Are you serious? Yes, yes, yes! Wow.
I can't remember when I've had so much fun.
Ooh.
Yeah, but I think I overdid it on the honey.
By the way, Steff and the kids have been captured by that spooky bogeyman guy.
Think I should go help them? I would.
But that's me.
Okay.
See you.
[WHOOSHING.]
[GRO ANS.]
[CRYING.]
STEFF: What are you going to do with us? I don't know.
I've never gotten so many at once before.
Not a very bright group, are you? What do you mean by that? Oh, nothing.
[FREAKAZOID WHOOSHING.]
Well, if it isn't ALL: No! What? I was just gonna say ALL: No! - Don't say it! Don't say what? Don't say his name.
You mean, don't say "Candle Jack"? Freakazoid, why did you say his name? I wanted to do one of those funny things like Ever watch F Troop where Agarn says: "There's no way I'm wearing a dress.
Absolutely not.
No dress.
" Forrest Tucker's like, "You're wearing that dress.
" Then they wipe: [BABBLES.]
And Agarn's wearing a dress.
Yoo-hoo.
Look, oh, brothers.
Look who's here for you.
Oh, I love that bit.
Ha-ha-ha.
There.
I'll be right back.
I've gotta go charter a bus.
Believe it or not.
You know, I'd just like to pause here a minute and say what a gas and a sagacious experience it is working on today's show.
Because I walked onto the set today, and everyone looked at me and said: "We're gonna have fun.
Fun, fun, fun.
" And then Joey Leahy came, the announcer.
Tell me he's not great.
Tell me he's not great.
Go ahead, tell me.
You can't, right? You can't.
And then you got Eddie Asner.
A bear of a man, a huggable guy.
I kiss him.
Mwah.
And Kenny Mars.
Funny? I think so.
And these kids.
Have you ever in your life been filled with more joy being around kids? Whether they're, you know, religious, experiential or not.
I love them.
All of them.
We'll hug after the show.
Anyway, I just I needed to say that.
DIRECTOR: And action.
We're trapped.
What are we going to do? Don't worry, I have a plan.
Watch.
That's right, Freakazoid had a plan.
A plan involving steel and mortar and bricks and pie.
PAUL: For what Candle Jack did not know, what he could not know was that Freakazoid had secretly constructed a terrifically treacherous trap in the wild and windy woods.
Smack me with a handle.
PAUL: And when Candle Jack when that big bogeyman went to charter the bus he was lured by the aroma of perfectly plump pumpkin pie.
I think there's a thumbtack under my fanny.
PAUL: Upon finding the pie, he picked it up and was trapped in the cage.
Thus the spell was broken, the children were rescued and a wonderful celebration ensued.
And now you know the rest of the episode.
Good day.
You saved us.
That's my job.
I'm a I'm a superhero.
Thank you.
MAN: Scream.
I said, knock it off.
Oh, my.
[SQUAWKING.]
[SQUEALING.]
SCIENTIST: Commence testing.
Careful, intern.
Dr.
Danger said not to increase the world's largest semiconductor's power suddenly.
No! [HUMMING.]
[SCIENTISTS SCREAMING.]
[MAN LAUGHING.]
What have you done, intern? [GASPS.]
SCIENTIST: The world's largest semiconductor is on the loose.
[SCREECHING.]
[BEEPING.]
DASH: Gotta hand it to you, doc.
This flying island is really neat.
DANGER: Thanks, Dash.
There's Lake Mead.
Let's land.
Steady now.
These antigravity sidewalk slabs are really cool, Pop.
Did you invent them to replace cars? No, Toby.
They were a byproduct of the, uh meltdown of your adopted sister Sandra's hometown.
It's okay, Dr.
D.
I didn't lose a hometown, I gained a family.
You've got a good head on your shoulders, Sandra.
Maybe someday you'll be a scientist, just like me.
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, um, look at that awful, twisted, smoldering wreckage ahead.
DANGER: That's my semiconductor testing lab.
Notice any clues, Dash? Offhand, I'd say they had one heck of an office party.
[LAUGHING.]
Or one clever saboteur.
Neat-o.
What's a saboteur, Pop? [BLOWS.]
[ALL GASP.]
I knew it.
It's some guy in a helmet.
Correct, Dash.
But more specifically, it's my archenemy, Dr.
Sin.
Unless I missed my guess, Dr.
Sin will use my giant semiconductor to attack Las Vegas.
How do you figure that? DANGER: Call it a scientific scholarly guess.
DASH: Well, then, let's check into the hotel and get to work.
TOBY: But I really am Mr.
Peanut.
You know the rules, kid.
No minors in the casino.
TOBY: I'll never meet a keno girl.
I don't get it, doc.
This new security system of yours is still untested.
Yes, but it's all we've got.
I predict this hotel will be Dr.
Sin's next target.
Hot! How in blazes do you know that? DANGER: Because every other place is burned to the ground.
TOBY: I made it.
I'm in.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GRUNTS.]
Very funny, kid.
Aw, let me out.
Shh.
I'm working on it.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
[CLEARS THRO AT.]
Allow me to make the house a sporting proposition.
One roll of the dice.
I win, my brother in the hotel brig goes free.
I lose, you get to keep him.
Deal? Best odds I had all night.
You're on, sister.
Heads up, you heathen monkeys.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[CROWD MURMURING.]
[OFFICERS GRO AN.]
[CRASH.]
[GRUNTING.]
[TOILET FLUSHING.]
Quick, you guys join your dad.
[GRUNTS.]
Cool.
[SCREECHING.]
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
I need more power.
We barely withstood that last attack.
The doc needs more juice.
Check.
Prepare to divert all nonessential power.
[PASSENGERS SCREAMING.]
[CRASH.]
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
DOCTOR: Sorry.
Still more power.
[RAY CHARLES SINGING AND PLAYING "HIT THE RO AD, JACK".]
[SCREECHING.]
Can nothing stop this thing? DASH: Just let me throw a barrel at it.
DANGER: Dash, no.
[SCREAMS.]
Come on.
Hi-y DANGER: Dash.
Gangway, she's about to blow.
[DR.
SIN GRUNTS AND SCREAMS.]
[DASH GRUNTS AND GRO ANS.]
[SCREECHING.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
I'd call your latest invention a flaming success, doctor.
[CHUCKLES.]
I try, Dash.
To succeed would take more resources than planet Earth can supply me.
Say, is there any place open where we can get a midnight snack? [ALL LAUGHING.]
And I was gonna go see Siegfried and Roy tonight.
My fellow supervillains, I am touched by the standing-room-only turnout for this important event the culmination of my criminal career.
The lobotomy of Freakazoid.
Performed with pride by yours truly, The Lobe.
[CHEERING.]
Is the patient ready for the anesthetic? [MONOTONE.]
Yes, doctor.
No need.
I brought my own.
[BLATHERS.]
Oh, look at the things.
I've seen this on cartoons.
Around go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Great.
My one bit in this scene and I get upstaged by a mallet.
Now, to open the skull of Freakazoid and see what makes him tick.
Aha! [SQUISHING.]
Huh? Ha.
See, it's ticking.
You said, "Let's see what makes him tick," and there's a ticking time bomb, get it? Bye.
I feel so used.
[RINGING.]
We're very proud of that.
NARRATOR: A byproduct of Holland's vast tulip industry Scream-O-Vision heightens your viewing experience by prompting you when to scream.
Let's try it now.
MAN: Scream.
[SCREAMING.]
NARRATOR: Good.
And now we proudly present the following cartoon in Scream-O-Vision.
[HOOTING.]
MAN: Scream.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
BO Y: Ooh, that's a good one.
Your turn, Buzz.
Um The scariest thing in the world would be if, uh If all the air in the world turned to wood.
ALL: Ooh Okay, like, the scariest thing in the world would be if, like, you went to grab something and it wasn't there.
Because it turned to wood.
ALL: Ooh The scariest thing in the world would be if they gave Sinbad another TV show.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
Sorry about that.
Heh.
That's okay.
I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to visit with the kids.
I know they enjoyed it.
[KIDS SCREAMING AND CRYING.]
Thanks.
Mwah.
MAN: Scream.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
Knock it off.
Well, I better be going.
For somewhere there are wrongs to right, there are foes to fight there are little chunks of carrot in your teeth.
I'd have that taken care of.
It can lead to insanity.
Mm? STEFF: When will I see you again? Well, if I know my cartoons, and I do l'll be back later on to rescue you from something really horrible.
Bye-bye.
[GRUNTING.]
Up, up.
Up, up.
Go up.
Fly.
Freakazoid, you don't fly.
Oh, right.
[WHOOSHING.]
[SIGHS.]
You don't really believe in that stuff about Sinbad getting another TV show, do you, Buzz? No.
The broadcasting industry has all sorts of safeguards to prevent that sort of thing.
The guy you really gotta watch out for is Candle Jack.
Candle Jack? Who's that? He's the bogeyman, the for-real one.
He comes to kids at night and steals them from their beds.
Then he takes them to some secret place and they never ever come back.
- Why does he do that? - Because he's a nut.
Oh.
How does he get you? That's the good part.
He can't.
Not unless you say his name out loud.
So don't say his name, okay? Okay.
Hey, Buzz, we did say his name out loud.
IN UNISON: Uh-oh.
Maybe he didn't hear it.
Hello, boys.
MAN: Scream.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
BOTH: Help, help, help.
It's Candle Jack.
Care to join us? - Don't say it.
- What? Candle Jack.
Oops.
Why, thank you.
No, I said Apple Jacks.
I wanted some Apple Jacks.
- Didn't I? - Yeah.
He didn't say Candle Jack.
Aw, nuts.
[BOTH GRUNT AND GRO AN.]
BO YS: Help, help, help! Huh? What's going on? [GIRL SCREAMING.]
Look, it's Candle Jack! GIRLS: Candle Jack! I'm gonna need more rope.
MAN: Scream.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
NARRATOR: And now, with a rebuttal to the previous scene is Dr.
Gunther Hunterhanker.
I take great exception to the scene in which we have just witnessed a man with a bag on his head scaring and frightening children who are having a nice happy time.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let me state, unequivocally and with absolute certainty that it is physically impossible for such a bogeyman to come and get you simply by saying the words "Candle Jack.
" CANDLE JACK: Psst.
Then again [WHOOSHING.]
COSGRO VE: Hey, Freakazoid.
- Hmm? [WHOOSHING.]
Oh, hi, Cosgrove.
You wanna go to the Honey Harvest Festival in Acton? Really? Are? Are you serious? Yes, yes, yes! Wow.
I can't remember when I've had so much fun.
Ooh.
Yeah, but I think I overdid it on the honey.
By the way, Steff and the kids have been captured by that spooky bogeyman guy.
Think I should go help them? I would.
But that's me.
Okay.
See you.
[WHOOSHING.]
[GRO ANS.]
[CRYING.]
STEFF: What are you going to do with us? I don't know.
I've never gotten so many at once before.
Not a very bright group, are you? What do you mean by that? Oh, nothing.
[FREAKAZOID WHOOSHING.]
Well, if it isn't ALL: No! What? I was just gonna say ALL: No! - Don't say it! Don't say what? Don't say his name.
You mean, don't say "Candle Jack"? Freakazoid, why did you say his name? I wanted to do one of those funny things like Ever watch F Troop where Agarn says: "There's no way I'm wearing a dress.
Absolutely not.
No dress.
" Forrest Tucker's like, "You're wearing that dress.
" Then they wipe: [BABBLES.]
And Agarn's wearing a dress.
Yoo-hoo.
Look, oh, brothers.
Look who's here for you.
Oh, I love that bit.
Ha-ha-ha.
There.
I'll be right back.
I've gotta go charter a bus.
Believe it or not.
You know, I'd just like to pause here a minute and say what a gas and a sagacious experience it is working on today's show.
Because I walked onto the set today, and everyone looked at me and said: "We're gonna have fun.
Fun, fun, fun.
" And then Joey Leahy came, the announcer.
Tell me he's not great.
Tell me he's not great.
Go ahead, tell me.
You can't, right? You can't.
And then you got Eddie Asner.
A bear of a man, a huggable guy.
I kiss him.
Mwah.
And Kenny Mars.
Funny? I think so.
And these kids.
Have you ever in your life been filled with more joy being around kids? Whether they're, you know, religious, experiential or not.
I love them.
All of them.
We'll hug after the show.
Anyway, I just I needed to say that.
DIRECTOR: And action.
We're trapped.
What are we going to do? Don't worry, I have a plan.
Watch.
That's right, Freakazoid had a plan.
A plan involving steel and mortar and bricks and pie.
PAUL: For what Candle Jack did not know, what he could not know was that Freakazoid had secretly constructed a terrifically treacherous trap in the wild and windy woods.
Smack me with a handle.
PAUL: And when Candle Jack when that big bogeyman went to charter the bus he was lured by the aroma of perfectly plump pumpkin pie.
I think there's a thumbtack under my fanny.
PAUL: Upon finding the pie, he picked it up and was trapped in the cage.
Thus the spell was broken, the children were rescued and a wonderful celebration ensued.
And now you know the rest of the episode.
Good day.
You saved us.
That's my job.
I'm a I'm a superhero.
Thank you.
MAN: Scream.
I said, knock it off.
Oh, my.
[SQUAWKING.]
[SQUEALING.]
SCIENTIST: Commence testing.
Careful, intern.
Dr.
Danger said not to increase the world's largest semiconductor's power suddenly.
No! [HUMMING.]
[SCIENTISTS SCREAMING.]
[MAN LAUGHING.]
What have you done, intern? [GASPS.]
SCIENTIST: The world's largest semiconductor is on the loose.
[SCREECHING.]
[BEEPING.]
DASH: Gotta hand it to you, doc.
This flying island is really neat.
DANGER: Thanks, Dash.
There's Lake Mead.
Let's land.
Steady now.
These antigravity sidewalk slabs are really cool, Pop.
Did you invent them to replace cars? No, Toby.
They were a byproduct of the, uh meltdown of your adopted sister Sandra's hometown.
It's okay, Dr.
D.
I didn't lose a hometown, I gained a family.
You've got a good head on your shoulders, Sandra.
Maybe someday you'll be a scientist, just like me.
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, um, look at that awful, twisted, smoldering wreckage ahead.
DANGER: That's my semiconductor testing lab.
Notice any clues, Dash? Offhand, I'd say they had one heck of an office party.
[LAUGHING.]
Or one clever saboteur.
Neat-o.
What's a saboteur, Pop? [BLOWS.]
[ALL GASP.]
I knew it.
It's some guy in a helmet.
Correct, Dash.
But more specifically, it's my archenemy, Dr.
Sin.
Unless I missed my guess, Dr.
Sin will use my giant semiconductor to attack Las Vegas.
How do you figure that? DANGER: Call it a scientific scholarly guess.
DASH: Well, then, let's check into the hotel and get to work.
TOBY: But I really am Mr.
Peanut.
You know the rules, kid.
No minors in the casino.
TOBY: I'll never meet a keno girl.
I don't get it, doc.
This new security system of yours is still untested.
Yes, but it's all we've got.
I predict this hotel will be Dr.
Sin's next target.
Hot! How in blazes do you know that? DANGER: Because every other place is burned to the ground.
TOBY: I made it.
I'm in.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GRUNTS.]
Very funny, kid.
Aw, let me out.
Shh.
I'm working on it.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
[CLEARS THRO AT.]
Allow me to make the house a sporting proposition.
One roll of the dice.
I win, my brother in the hotel brig goes free.
I lose, you get to keep him.
Deal? Best odds I had all night.
You're on, sister.
Heads up, you heathen monkeys.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[CROWD MURMURING.]
[OFFICERS GRO AN.]
[CRASH.]
[GRUNTING.]
[TOILET FLUSHING.]
Quick, you guys join your dad.
[GRUNTS.]
Cool.
[SCREECHING.]
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
I need more power.
We barely withstood that last attack.
The doc needs more juice.
Check.
Prepare to divert all nonessential power.
[PASSENGERS SCREAMING.]
[CRASH.]
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
DOCTOR: Sorry.
Still more power.
[RAY CHARLES SINGING AND PLAYING "HIT THE RO AD, JACK".]
[SCREECHING.]
Can nothing stop this thing? DASH: Just let me throw a barrel at it.
DANGER: Dash, no.
[SCREAMS.]
Come on.
Hi-y DANGER: Dash.
Gangway, she's about to blow.
[DR.
SIN GRUNTS AND SCREAMS.]
[DASH GRUNTS AND GRO ANS.]
[SCREECHING.]
[SIRENS WAILING.]
I'd call your latest invention a flaming success, doctor.
[CHUCKLES.]
I try, Dash.
To succeed would take more resources than planet Earth can supply me.
Say, is there any place open where we can get a midnight snack? [ALL LAUGHING.]
And I was gonna go see Siegfried and Roy tonight.
My fellow supervillains, I am touched by the standing-room-only turnout for this important event the culmination of my criminal career.
The lobotomy of Freakazoid.
Performed with pride by yours truly, The Lobe.
[CHEERING.]
Is the patient ready for the anesthetic? [MONOTONE.]
Yes, doctor.
No need.
I brought my own.
[BLATHERS.]
Oh, look at the things.
I've seen this on cartoons.
Around go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Great.
My one bit in this scene and I get upstaged by a mallet.
Now, to open the skull of Freakazoid and see what makes him tick.
Aha! [SQUISHING.]
Huh? Ha.
See, it's ticking.
You said, "Let's see what makes him tick," and there's a ticking time bomb, get it? Bye.
I feel so used.
[RINGING.]
We're very proud of that.