Fresh Meat (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
What are you doing? I've got slow-drying pubic hair.
Maybe it's time for a trim? They're not long, they're just spongy.
What, out of interest, was in the It's not a human head.
It's not a human head? No.
It's the weight and shape of a human head.
But it isn't a human head.
Well, that's good.
It's just that, now you've said "human head" a lot, I'm thinking, is it a human head? And the answer is, no.
So you can relax cos it's definitely not a human head.
Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish Vegetable munge.
Sounds disappointing.
No offence, but I won't be eating that shit because it looks heinous.
So, this is very generous of you.
What a very generous person you are.
Do you want me to lay the table? Or do you want to do all the laying? What looks like a head, but isn't a head? You know what? Maybe let's not bother sitting down together? Yeah, wouldn't be so much fun without JP.
He is amazing company.
A knobbly melon? Maybe everyone just help themselves.
Which is your motto, right? I'm kidding.
What? I've seen enough rom-coms to know, if you "hate" her, you must "like" her.
What are you doing? That's Paul's room.
Have you asked him? Er, yeah, he was totally chilled about it.
You know what he's like.
No, not really.
I haven't actually met him.
Have you met him? He's not here, it's a temporary arrangement, we'll all use each other's rooms as work-out spaces anyway, it's all fine.
Did you tell Kingsley about the other night? No.
It's obvious you did.
So what if I did? Why are you so desperate to keep it a secret? I mean, what's so wrong with me? Nothing.
Yeah, I mean, I'll grant you, it was an unusual coalition? But what you've got to understand, babes, is this is the kind of thing that will happen under the coalition.
They close down the NHS, we get jiggy, deal with it.
I mean, it won't happen again.
Unless you want it to.
In which case, my door's always open.
Unless I've got another girl in there in which case it's definitely closed.
I tell you what I could do, I could tie a tie to the door handle and then, if you see the tie, lucky you vis-a-vis jiggy time.
Right, um, do me a favour.
Tell Kingsley you were bullshitting him.
It never actually happened.
No.
Why not? Look, I'm not being chivalrous here although obviously, I am But I'm not ashamed of doing you.
That's really sweet.
I know.
Although, obviously it isn't, and the thing is, lamashamed of doing you.
Yeah, well, we can't go to any of the hall parties but the house is nice, so Yeah, they're nice.
Well, the girls are nice.
The boys are cocks.
Two of them are megacocks No, it's great.
I'm just a little bit homesick, you know? OK.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
No, I was just ringing to say hello.
OK.
How nice of you to pay me a visit, Pope Kingsley.
What? Kingsley the judgmental Pope man, doing his judging? Have you come to judge me some more? -I wasn't, I Look, I know you know I slept with JP, but I want to say for the record that I didn't know him at all at the time, I'd hardly spoken to him.
I had no way of knowing what a dick he is.
I don't make a habit of sleeping with men I've hardly spoken to but if I do it now and again, it doesn't make me a bad person, so you can fuck off, Popey.
What? Classic.
Absolutely classic.
You'll be humpin' tonight.
What's going on? I've been to the shops.
Yes, I understand that.
But how did you get that lot back? I um, I'm just strong, I'm just really surprisingly strong.
Really? Yep.
See? Maybe I'm all intersex and I've got a penis somewhere I don't know about.
Just the kind of crazy shit that would happen to me.
Having a penis I didn't even know about.
I woke up a few times on my year off having had a penis I didn't know about! Good.
Yes.
Certainly one of the more memorable hallway conversations.
What are you doing? Yes.
I shouldn't have looked.
I have only myself to blame.
What is it? Obviously, it's Russell Brand's head.
Have you killed Russell Brand? No.
Really? My mate worked at a waxworks place.
They screwed him on overtime So I looked after the head while he blackmailed them.
-I see.
Yes.
But they've just put a ruffly shirt on Cher, squidged her around, and put his label on her so you can have that if you like? I don't know.
I don't know if I want the weight of Russell Brand's head on my shoulders? You don't have to fucking feed him.
Greetings, my waxy friend.
I shall use you as an enormous emo paperweight.
OK.
Laters, guys.
Laters.
Wicked lecture.
Yeah, wicked.
Thanks.
So, everything OK for you guys, all good, yeah? How was I? No, you can't ask that, just kidding around.
How was I? Pretty boring.
I'm kidding.
Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You fucker! Seriously, was it OK? Too much on sedimentary? I can't get enough sedimentary, so I'm not a good judge.
Do you wanna go get a drink? No.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, yeah, bit early, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
Hello.
So, you my e-mail and my Skype and everything? You guys take care.
On Twitter, I'm DanDanGeologyMan.
Cool.
Fuck! Fucking hell, Ralph, Tobes! Hello? It's me.
JP.
From Stowe? I came third in the geek race last year riding Will Henderson? You got caught wanking under the college oak? Yeah.
right.
It's hilarious you still remember that since it never happened.
I just had an itchy cock.
That was all.
So, what are you guys doing here? Mate, I couldn't get into Cambridge.
Probably lost out to some fucking muggle on a scholarship.
Awesome.
Where are you living? We're in Toytown.
What halls are you in? I'm not in halls, I'm in a shared house.
Sorry to hear that, geez.
What's it like in the 'burbs with the normals? It's probably all "Bella Pasta, lights out by ten" No, man.
My house is awesome.
It's full of hotties who all love to suck and fuck.
Are you serious? They love to hump, like, the whole time.
For them, a Wednesday is like a Saturday.
I've humped one of them already, I'll probably hump another one tonight.
All my bitches want to suckle on my fuckle stick.
Yeah, right.
Well, we'd better chip.
We're going to blag ourselves into the Wentworth Court party tonight.
What are you up to? Man, I'll probably just be back at the love shack, you know.
My cock-shake brings all the girls to the yard.
Yeah, right, um Sorry about telling you to fuck off.
I sort of got on a bit of a roll.
That's all right.
I was going to apologise, but the Pope is infallible, so I couldn't.
Of course, the Pope shouldn't really be knocking on girls' bedroom doors.
M, you do realise I'm not the actual Pope? That's right.
You're the Pussyman.
Tell me, how did you get that nickname? Fuck a doodle doo! I've only just bumped into King Ralph! I was at school with him.
The guy is a ledge.
Amazing.
JP.
We were in the middle of something? I mean, what are the chances of all us Stowe boys just rocking up in Manchester? Quite high.
It's a good university and you're privately educated.
Look, word is, tonight Wentworth is going genocidal.
So we need to be there.
What a knob.
I'm warming to him.
Let's run away and hide before he comes back.
Look, all the gang's here! Hey, guys.
Hey, I think Vod likes him.
She just bit him on the elbow.
Anything going on? No, Howard, there's nothing going on.
I understand.
You live together, so you're stuck in "friend zone".
I liked a girl in the house last year, but it never happened because she'd seen me holding the bog brush.
Wentworth's on lockdown.
And apparently people are saying that tonight they're literally having a fucking Jagermeister orgy.
So what's the story? Are you banging tonight? Riz.
Yeah.
He's in Apeshit Dusseldorf.
I fucking love musicians.
They're so Talented.
Arrogant.
I really get off on that.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I like a guy who's going to pull my hair and throw me about a bit.
So are you gonna ask him out on a date? A date? What, like a candlelit dinner? What are we, bank managers? No.
I'm gonna wait for a party, force-feed him tequila and jump on him.
Classic.
Although my weapon of choice is sambuca.
Tequila's a bit clean.
Yes, yes, people, check it out.
I'm DJing 12 till 3 at Wentworth tonight.
Yous are Wentworth, right? No.
- No.
- My days.
Unlucky.
Well, that's it.
We've basically missed university.
We're in social Siberia.
Everyone in halls is bonding and we're just free radicals, ageing prematurely.
Fuck it.
Let's have a rival party.
A fuck you to halls.
Yes! Sweet! I am out.
I can't believe none of you have got a car.
Nothing! Not even a Fiat Panda.
Take these.
Yeah, I notice you don't have a car? Wrong, actually.
I've got a BMW X1.
I can't drive it at the moment, got points on my license.
Apparently I was speeding and apparently I was drunk.
Students who have cars are dicks.
Yeah! Why? Because they're not students.
If you've got a car and a satnav, you're a ponce whose dad works in the city and sells nerve gas to fuckheads.
Cars are cool, everyone knows it.
That's why even lesbians like Top Gear.
You're strong, I'm tired.
Carry these for me.
Why won't you come to the party, Howard? I'll be at the house, but I won't be "at the party".
I've seen parties.
Parties have happened.
They never achieve anything.
What are we doing about food? I'm making more munge.
Should get some cream for that! Come on, high five me! Come on, someone! Don't leave me hanging, That was gold! You Facebooked English? Yeah.
If Riz shows up, I might rape him.
OK, great We have got girls coming, right? Don't know.
Haven't heard back from the sex traffickers I've invited the Geology course.
So that's one girl.
Geology Girl.
Shit.
What? I've accidentally sent Dan the party text.
As in Desperate Dan the Geology Tutor Man? Excellent.
So now the party might count towards our exams.
Useful.
What did it say? Come dip your dick in our hoes? What?! Jesus! What if he reports it? Can we get kicked off our course? They call you The Pussyman because you're a massive pussy! What if he shows it to the provost? Have we got a provost? I'm not sure what a provost is.
But that sounds like something they'd hate.
Look I'm sure it's fine.
He's probably a virgin, doesn't know what the text means.
Is that him? That's him isn't it? What does it say? "I'll be there.
I'm greasing up my penis as I write.
" Good luck with your party.
Bet you're looking forward to seeing our tutor and his greased-up penis.
Hello.
Wow, you look That fits.
That totally fits you.
You've got fitting clothes.
I was going to wear my munge smock but, you know This is fucking embarrassing! We need to sort this.
I mean, no offence, mate, but seriously? You're our shop-front guest? So what's the plan? We go to the pub and invite some fucking randoms down here.
Do a man harvest.
Man harvest! Harvest the men! Rape the men! We're like feminist vikings! Could I put in a request for some women too? Don't worry I promise I'll do my best to hook you up.
Er, what's going on here? Hey! Are we wearing the same shoes? That is so weird! How did that happen? Well, I owned the shoes and then you bought the same ones.
That's how it happened.
See you soon.
Yeah.
See you soon.
Right, I reckon I must've harvested about 20.
We should harvest men more.
Don't know.
Felt weird giving my address to everyone.
I've bagged enough, man.
Josie? Yup, let's head back and gorge on munge! Hey, Vod.
Hey, Riz.
You fancy coming to a party later? It might be shit, but there'll be tequila and a lot of times when I drink tequila, I smash shit.
So, should be good visuals.
Aw, I'm on my way to Wentworth.
Want to come? Can't.
Not residents.
Me neither.
I've got a mate on the door, but only till 11.
Yeah? I'd give you guys a lift, but I'm on the bike.
Cool.
Yeah, maybe see you later.
I am definitely seeing him later.
And when I say later, I mean now.
Let's do it.
I don't know Come on Josie! Don't be a cunt.
Bit harsh? You know what I mean.
Look we've got our own party? You know, our own guests? Who's going to hand round the vol-au-vents and put on the Cheryl Cole CD Fuck it! Someone stump up for a cab or shall we run? I'm not running.
I'm in kitten heels.
My shoelaces keep coming undone! I'm sorry.
Are my shoes not to your liking? I'm so sorry I forced you to buy them Here.
Can you take my bag? That must must've been my car keys.
Yeah! I've got a car! Right? My God! I totally forgot I had a car! How cool is that? I feel like I've just won a car! Where are the girls? They were meant to send girls.
Not only have they not sent girls, they've sent guys.
Like that's what the man party needed, more men.
It's raining men.
I mean, there are large puddles of men.
It's a hazard.
I'm drowning in cock, Kingsley, and I don't like it.
No, they're not for you! The premium continental lagers are clearly labelled.
And the same goes for the goujons.
They're for Ralph and Toby.
If you want food, eat Josie's munge.
Say that again? The pan of pressure-cooked carrots, onions and potato.
It's actually got quite a subtle flavour.
Right.
For a minute there I was thinking I might have to re-grease my penis! Excellent.
Team Ralph's here.
I need to get them a VIP area, otherwise they'll be mobbed by all these no-marks and zeros.
No offence to you, Kingsley.
Hey! 'Sup, dude? Good to see ya! T-Dog in the cribbage! All right, guy? Bit of a sausage party.
Isn't it, mate? Bit of a sausage party.
Isn't it, mate? How do you mean? Well, It's a testicle festival.
A brodeo.
Too many dicks, not many chicks.
Ou est les hotties? Well, I mean, our hotties have gone out to find, er to bring back some of their hottie mates.
Maybe we should just head? What do you reckon? We've got shit to do anyway.
Don't do that! I mean, I wouldn't do that.
There's going to be loads of babes here, any minute.
Go get the door! In the meantime, let's get busy on the tour.
All aboard the banter bus! Coolio! So, this is my room.
The bachelor pad.
The flop shop.
Yeah, I chose the top floor room so that even if I'm taking a bird from behind, I've got a good view.
Yeah! And if we just come through here that's the ensuite.
And this is the smoking room! So, whose room is this? Basically just my spare room, you know? A little bolt-hole, somewhere to come and chillax when it gets too hectic.
Let me clear some of this shit away.
Rowing machine.
You any good? Mate! That's not the rowing machine.
This is the rowing machine.
We're thinking of getting a crew together.
Well, let me show you how many rows I can do.
That as fast as you can go? No chance! I'm just warming up.
Stretching the lats! Good shoulder rolling! Nice elbows! Can you go faster? No problemo! What's your lung capacity like? Well, I can row and keep a conversation going at the same time, so what do you reckon? Show us how many rows you can do while smoking a spliff.
Easy! What do you think? Keep it going.
Keep it going.
Looking good, hey? Yeah, man.
You look the tits.
Hey, terrible party.
I've got an idea.
But I don't know if it's a good idea.
Russell Brand's head as fuckbait.
Doesn't sound great.
No, that sounds bad.
Too weird.
On the pillow? That's mad.
Or is it? But then I could curl up hidden under the covers, then when someone came in I'm not going to do this.
I'm not going to use Russell Brand's head as fuckbait.
What rom-com did you see this in? Was it There's Something About Fuckbait, or When Harry Used Fuckbait? The idea of going to a gym in Manchester does not bear thinking about.
I do not want some sweaty Shaun Ryder, arching his back on a Pilates ball, thrusting his coke-addled testes in my mush.
No.
Fuck that.
That's why we've got our own gym stuff.
We're just looking for somewhere to set it up.
Well, I mean You can use here if you want.
It's just my den.
Yeah? Yeah.
Fuck it.
I'm not using anything for it.
All right.
Tobes, why don't you drive back and bring the weights over Yeah! Cool! Why WEIGHT? You don't mind if I? No, course not.
Yeah.
I mean, it's only a fucking beer, right? Yeah, that's right.
Were you afraid I was nicking your Petit Filou? No, I wouldn't mind that.
I mean, they're only little.
Is that Are you having a pop? No? I'm Dave, by the way.
Hello.
Kingsley.
How's the house? Anyone got laid yet? Well, not me.
That doesn't surprise me! Only messing, mate.
Is this food? It looks a bit like someone's been sick on some food.
Munge, mate.
Grill it up with cheddar and you've got chunge.
Luxury munge.
Munge, yeah I'd never heard of it.
It's a real thing, then, is it? Nah, just what Josie calls it.
So are you on her course? No, I'm her boyfriend.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I was wondering who her boyfriend was I assumed she had a boyfriend.
You're her boyfriend? Brilliant! God, I am hammered.
You're not the drummer, are you? You asked me that already.
I told you - I'm the front man.
Excellent.
I love a front man.
The drummer's here somewhere.
Fuck him.
Drummers are boring.
Always hiding away behind their drums.
Hiding away behind their sticks.
Mainly the drums.
You can't really hide behind sticks.
Will you let me finish the story about playing the Borderline? -Yes, I am.
playing the Borderline? Yes, I am.
OK, then.
In a minute.
Hey.
So, how's it going? He's hot but he's boring.
So, do you think we could head back? No, I'm going to snog him just to shut him up.
So, are you a student? No.
Nooo.
So, what do you do? I'm a heating engineer.
Cool, very cool.
You don't know anything about it, do you? No.
No.
Yeah So, how long have you been seeing Josie? Why? Are you sniffing around? What? I'm kidding.
I know you're not like that.
You're a Petit Filous man.
What does that mean? We've been going out two and a half years.
Really? Why is that so surprising? Just seems like a long time.
Surely she must have told you all this.
Um, no, not all of it.
You want another beer? Er, yeah, why not? Fuck it.
Yeah, I mean, it's not like you have to be up tomorrow, is it? Or ever.
You piece of shit.
I'm kidding.
Way to say hello.
I like it.
Ha, yeah, I'm just friendly like that.
You must be Vod.
Riz was saying he thought you had a thing for him.
Yeah, he's well arrogant.
Yeah, he's a twat.
Unlike me, I'm lovely.
I'm Mark, the drummer.
Yeah, I know that.
I can tell you apart! Yeah, it's not hard.
I'm the one with the sticks! Exactly! That's exactly what I meant! Wait there.
I'll be right back.
Glad I remembered how to drive.
I can't remember the last time I had to drive.
Presumably you had to drive to uni, so Yeah, but apart from that one drive, I've basically never driven.
Yeah, so do you think we should head back? Yeah, maybe.
I'll go see what Vod's doing.
We've got to go.
I've snogged the wrong guy.
What? It must be because they were wearing the same jacket.
I'm not racist for Asians.
I'm not racist, I'm just slutty! There you are.
Yeah, Vod wants to head off too, so OK, great.
All back to ours! So So There is a rumour that Russell Brand is in your room and passed out on downers.
Yeah, yeah, he is, I could introduce you if you like? The head worked.
Not as in fuck bait, but chat bait.
It's a good head.
I'm growing quite attached to the head.
Josie's got a boyfriend.
She's not mentioned a boyfriend.
Yes, I'd noticed that.
So how do you "feel" about that? Fine.
I was a bit angry.
I was pretty angry.
But it's none of my business.
She doesn't owe me anything, so let's move on.
I mean, she shouldn't have lied to me.
That was a total betrayal.
But I barely know her.
So it's basically fine.
Fucked up.
But fine.
I'm ready to move on.
I've already moved on.
It's fine.
Nothing to move on from.
It's all fine.
I'm actually glad.
OK.
Good.
Yeah, apparently Russell Brand's upstairs, probably washing some female ejaculate out of his pubey woobs, as he'd put it.
Shocking guy.
So, how's the party been without me? Bit shit? Or total shit? Hey, babe! Dave! What are you doing here? I thought I'd surprise you.
You did! I am surprised.
Really surprised.
I am so fucking surprised! So, Kingsley here has been looking after me while you were gone.
He seems nice.
Does he? Good.
He is nice.
As are you.
The hotties are back.
All of my bitches have rolled on home.
All three of them? Is that the best you can do? It's hardly an embarrassment of bitches.
I'll get it! I'll get it! So, how come you just turned up? I thought it'd be a nice surprise for you.
It is.
A huge surprise.
I see Josie's pulled! He's her boyfriend.
Josie hasn't got a boyfriend.
That's not what his body language says.
Or his mouth language.
Well, it makes sense, I mean, she is a bit girl-next-door.
Perfect wife material.
Yeah.
She's just ridiculously lovely, isn't she? So, um, by the way, I've got a car! My mum gave it to me.
She won it on a scratch card, which is mad.
But then she buys fuck loads.
So, um, yeah, I think she might be addicted.
Pretend you're my boyfriend.
What? Why? I was drunk, it was dark.
I'm not racist, I just put my hand down the wrong trousers, Gromit.
There you are.
I've got a boyfriend.
You've got a boyfriend? Hello.
That's right.
I'm Howard.
Howard the boyfriend.
You're really her boyfriend? Yeah.
I don't believe you.
Fuck off, Riz.
I'm Mark.
Fuck off, Mark.
Yeah.
Fuck off, Mark.
He's my boyfriend, right, get over it.
I'm sorry, he's not your boyfriend.
If he wasn't, would I do this? Possibly not.
Right, careful with the munge.
The munge now has sick in it.
All the warm bit is sick, the cooler bit is still good munge.
Check it out, the Wentworth crowd.
Looks like we've got a happening party going on! Yay This could be fun.
I think Dave might be about to kick the shit out of Ralph.
You should stop them! Yeah, I should stop them, butdo I want to stop them? He might also kick the shit out of JP, who doesn't want that? So, I have a question for you guys.
JP here reckons he's a bit of a fanny magnet.
Hey, cut that shit out.
There's no "reckons" about it.
I am the Fuckmeister General.
If he is your boyfriend, why were you all over me before? We have an open relationship.
No, we fucking haven't.
I'm fucking serious about you, Howard.
And you're serious about me.
Well, why were you all over him, then? It was a moment of madness, you know what I'm like.
That's true.
I do know what she's like.
And she's mad.
So, my question to you is, is it true, as JP claims, that he pulled on his first night here? Yeah, he pulled.
He pulled himself off looking at his own Facebook photo.
This is just like more of your bullshit, Vod.
Like when you snogged Russell Brand.
I mean, yeah, fine, Russell Brand.
But, who's this guy? He's just some guy.
He's not a celebrity.
I'm a drummer.
That doesn't count.
Have you heard that Russell Brand's in the house? Britain's favourite Dickensian Goth is here.
I'll show you.
So, what's he got that I haven't got? Isn't it obvious? No.
Well He's comfortable in his own skin, unlike you.
You want to be Mark.
I am Mark! You want to be Riz.
You know what I mean! I don't want to be like Riz, actually.
Riz is a fucking twat.
And so are you.
Look I'm sorry, Riz! Mark! I'm sorry, Mark! She asked me to be her temporary boyfriend.
It's a service I provide.
They had this pyro man, his name was Philippe they called him the human torch.
There was supposed to be this backdrop, he pumped me in with his guitar in Borderline.
The other cool thing about the girls in the house is you can sort of talk to them and shit, you know? How do you mean? I don't know, it's like, it's like they're sort of just OK.
I can't really explain.
That is fucking poor gym etiquette.
JP! Those weights are expensive! Go and save my dumbbells, dumbbell! Paul! Paul, Paul, mate.
Would you stop throwing shit out the window? Paul, please don't be a cunt.
Paul? Paul! Let me in, open the fucking door! You will cease and desist.
Paul! So first you nick my trainers, then you nick Riz? I thought you wanted to get off with Mark? Why would you think that? Because you were getting off with Mark.
Doesn't matter They're all the same, anyway.
Men, not Asians.
So, where were we? Yeah, I Ralph's chipped.
Gougon's cained.
And Josie's got a boyfriend, so that's my fall-back shag out the window.
For tonight, anyway.
Right, that's it.
I've had enough.
I'm going to bed.
What are you doing? I'm letting this serve as a warning.
Who to? In general.
A general warning.
Look, I'm sorry about getting off with Riz, yeah.
I only did it to shut him up.
Amazing party.
Classic party.
Man.
My car! That's cool, cos it's my dad's, the dick.
Pass the ash tray.
'Pregnancies among teenagers are often unplanned and unwanted.
'Unlike older mothers, 'teenager mothers lack education, experience and income.
'
Maybe it's time for a trim? They're not long, they're just spongy.
What, out of interest, was in the It's not a human head.
It's not a human head? No.
It's the weight and shape of a human head.
But it isn't a human head.
Well, that's good.
It's just that, now you've said "human head" a lot, I'm thinking, is it a human head? And the answer is, no.
So you can relax cos it's definitely not a human head.
Hey, Kingsley! I'm just cooking my speciality dish Vegetable munge.
Sounds disappointing.
No offence, but I won't be eating that shit because it looks heinous.
So, this is very generous of you.
What a very generous person you are.
Do you want me to lay the table? Or do you want to do all the laying? What looks like a head, but isn't a head? You know what? Maybe let's not bother sitting down together? Yeah, wouldn't be so much fun without JP.
He is amazing company.
A knobbly melon? Maybe everyone just help themselves.
Which is your motto, right? I'm kidding.
What? I've seen enough rom-coms to know, if you "hate" her, you must "like" her.
What are you doing? That's Paul's room.
Have you asked him? Er, yeah, he was totally chilled about it.
You know what he's like.
No, not really.
I haven't actually met him.
Have you met him? He's not here, it's a temporary arrangement, we'll all use each other's rooms as work-out spaces anyway, it's all fine.
Did you tell Kingsley about the other night? No.
It's obvious you did.
So what if I did? Why are you so desperate to keep it a secret? I mean, what's so wrong with me? Nothing.
Yeah, I mean, I'll grant you, it was an unusual coalition? But what you've got to understand, babes, is this is the kind of thing that will happen under the coalition.
They close down the NHS, we get jiggy, deal with it.
I mean, it won't happen again.
Unless you want it to.
In which case, my door's always open.
Unless I've got another girl in there in which case it's definitely closed.
I tell you what I could do, I could tie a tie to the door handle and then, if you see the tie, lucky you vis-a-vis jiggy time.
Right, um, do me a favour.
Tell Kingsley you were bullshitting him.
It never actually happened.
No.
Why not? Look, I'm not being chivalrous here although obviously, I am But I'm not ashamed of doing you.
That's really sweet.
I know.
Although, obviously it isn't, and the thing is, lamashamed of doing you.
Yeah, well, we can't go to any of the hall parties but the house is nice, so Yeah, they're nice.
Well, the girls are nice.
The boys are cocks.
Two of them are megacocks No, it's great.
I'm just a little bit homesick, you know? OK.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
No, I was just ringing to say hello.
OK.
How nice of you to pay me a visit, Pope Kingsley.
What? Kingsley the judgmental Pope man, doing his judging? Have you come to judge me some more? -I wasn't, I Look, I know you know I slept with JP, but I want to say for the record that I didn't know him at all at the time, I'd hardly spoken to him.
I had no way of knowing what a dick he is.
I don't make a habit of sleeping with men I've hardly spoken to but if I do it now and again, it doesn't make me a bad person, so you can fuck off, Popey.
What? Classic.
Absolutely classic.
You'll be humpin' tonight.
What's going on? I've been to the shops.
Yes, I understand that.
But how did you get that lot back? I um, I'm just strong, I'm just really surprisingly strong.
Really? Yep.
See? Maybe I'm all intersex and I've got a penis somewhere I don't know about.
Just the kind of crazy shit that would happen to me.
Having a penis I didn't even know about.
I woke up a few times on my year off having had a penis I didn't know about! Good.
Yes.
Certainly one of the more memorable hallway conversations.
What are you doing? Yes.
I shouldn't have looked.
I have only myself to blame.
What is it? Obviously, it's Russell Brand's head.
Have you killed Russell Brand? No.
Really? My mate worked at a waxworks place.
They screwed him on overtime So I looked after the head while he blackmailed them.
-I see.
Yes.
But they've just put a ruffly shirt on Cher, squidged her around, and put his label on her so you can have that if you like? I don't know.
I don't know if I want the weight of Russell Brand's head on my shoulders? You don't have to fucking feed him.
Greetings, my waxy friend.
I shall use you as an enormous emo paperweight.
OK.
Laters, guys.
Laters.
Wicked lecture.
Yeah, wicked.
Thanks.
So, everything OK for you guys, all good, yeah? How was I? No, you can't ask that, just kidding around.
How was I? Pretty boring.
I'm kidding.
Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You fucker! Seriously, was it OK? Too much on sedimentary? I can't get enough sedimentary, so I'm not a good judge.
Do you wanna go get a drink? No.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, yeah, bit early, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.
Hello.
So, you my e-mail and my Skype and everything? You guys take care.
On Twitter, I'm DanDanGeologyMan.
Cool.
Fuck! Fucking hell, Ralph, Tobes! Hello? It's me.
JP.
From Stowe? I came third in the geek race last year riding Will Henderson? You got caught wanking under the college oak? Yeah.
right.
It's hilarious you still remember that since it never happened.
I just had an itchy cock.
That was all.
So, what are you guys doing here? Mate, I couldn't get into Cambridge.
Probably lost out to some fucking muggle on a scholarship.
Awesome.
Where are you living? We're in Toytown.
What halls are you in? I'm not in halls, I'm in a shared house.
Sorry to hear that, geez.
What's it like in the 'burbs with the normals? It's probably all "Bella Pasta, lights out by ten" No, man.
My house is awesome.
It's full of hotties who all love to suck and fuck.
Are you serious? They love to hump, like, the whole time.
For them, a Wednesday is like a Saturday.
I've humped one of them already, I'll probably hump another one tonight.
All my bitches want to suckle on my fuckle stick.
Yeah, right.
Well, we'd better chip.
We're going to blag ourselves into the Wentworth Court party tonight.
What are you up to? Man, I'll probably just be back at the love shack, you know.
My cock-shake brings all the girls to the yard.
Yeah, right, um Sorry about telling you to fuck off.
I sort of got on a bit of a roll.
That's all right.
I was going to apologise, but the Pope is infallible, so I couldn't.
Of course, the Pope shouldn't really be knocking on girls' bedroom doors.
M, you do realise I'm not the actual Pope? That's right.
You're the Pussyman.
Tell me, how did you get that nickname? Fuck a doodle doo! I've only just bumped into King Ralph! I was at school with him.
The guy is a ledge.
Amazing.
JP.
We were in the middle of something? I mean, what are the chances of all us Stowe boys just rocking up in Manchester? Quite high.
It's a good university and you're privately educated.
Look, word is, tonight Wentworth is going genocidal.
So we need to be there.
What a knob.
I'm warming to him.
Let's run away and hide before he comes back.
Look, all the gang's here! Hey, guys.
Hey, I think Vod likes him.
She just bit him on the elbow.
Anything going on? No, Howard, there's nothing going on.
I understand.
You live together, so you're stuck in "friend zone".
I liked a girl in the house last year, but it never happened because she'd seen me holding the bog brush.
Wentworth's on lockdown.
And apparently people are saying that tonight they're literally having a fucking Jagermeister orgy.
So what's the story? Are you banging tonight? Riz.
Yeah.
He's in Apeshit Dusseldorf.
I fucking love musicians.
They're so Talented.
Arrogant.
I really get off on that.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I like a guy who's going to pull my hair and throw me about a bit.
So are you gonna ask him out on a date? A date? What, like a candlelit dinner? What are we, bank managers? No.
I'm gonna wait for a party, force-feed him tequila and jump on him.
Classic.
Although my weapon of choice is sambuca.
Tequila's a bit clean.
Yes, yes, people, check it out.
I'm DJing 12 till 3 at Wentworth tonight.
Yous are Wentworth, right? No.
- No.
- My days.
Unlucky.
Well, that's it.
We've basically missed university.
We're in social Siberia.
Everyone in halls is bonding and we're just free radicals, ageing prematurely.
Fuck it.
Let's have a rival party.
A fuck you to halls.
Yes! Sweet! I am out.
I can't believe none of you have got a car.
Nothing! Not even a Fiat Panda.
Take these.
Yeah, I notice you don't have a car? Wrong, actually.
I've got a BMW X1.
I can't drive it at the moment, got points on my license.
Apparently I was speeding and apparently I was drunk.
Students who have cars are dicks.
Yeah! Why? Because they're not students.
If you've got a car and a satnav, you're a ponce whose dad works in the city and sells nerve gas to fuckheads.
Cars are cool, everyone knows it.
That's why even lesbians like Top Gear.
You're strong, I'm tired.
Carry these for me.
Why won't you come to the party, Howard? I'll be at the house, but I won't be "at the party".
I've seen parties.
Parties have happened.
They never achieve anything.
What are we doing about food? I'm making more munge.
Should get some cream for that! Come on, high five me! Come on, someone! Don't leave me hanging, That was gold! You Facebooked English? Yeah.
If Riz shows up, I might rape him.
OK, great We have got girls coming, right? Don't know.
Haven't heard back from the sex traffickers I've invited the Geology course.
So that's one girl.
Geology Girl.
Shit.
What? I've accidentally sent Dan the party text.
As in Desperate Dan the Geology Tutor Man? Excellent.
So now the party might count towards our exams.
Useful.
What did it say? Come dip your dick in our hoes? What?! Jesus! What if he reports it? Can we get kicked off our course? They call you The Pussyman because you're a massive pussy! What if he shows it to the provost? Have we got a provost? I'm not sure what a provost is.
But that sounds like something they'd hate.
Look I'm sure it's fine.
He's probably a virgin, doesn't know what the text means.
Is that him? That's him isn't it? What does it say? "I'll be there.
I'm greasing up my penis as I write.
" Good luck with your party.
Bet you're looking forward to seeing our tutor and his greased-up penis.
Hello.
Wow, you look That fits.
That totally fits you.
You've got fitting clothes.
I was going to wear my munge smock but, you know This is fucking embarrassing! We need to sort this.
I mean, no offence, mate, but seriously? You're our shop-front guest? So what's the plan? We go to the pub and invite some fucking randoms down here.
Do a man harvest.
Man harvest! Harvest the men! Rape the men! We're like feminist vikings! Could I put in a request for some women too? Don't worry I promise I'll do my best to hook you up.
Er, what's going on here? Hey! Are we wearing the same shoes? That is so weird! How did that happen? Well, I owned the shoes and then you bought the same ones.
That's how it happened.
See you soon.
Yeah.
See you soon.
Right, I reckon I must've harvested about 20.
We should harvest men more.
Don't know.
Felt weird giving my address to everyone.
I've bagged enough, man.
Josie? Yup, let's head back and gorge on munge! Hey, Vod.
Hey, Riz.
You fancy coming to a party later? It might be shit, but there'll be tequila and a lot of times when I drink tequila, I smash shit.
So, should be good visuals.
Aw, I'm on my way to Wentworth.
Want to come? Can't.
Not residents.
Me neither.
I've got a mate on the door, but only till 11.
Yeah? I'd give you guys a lift, but I'm on the bike.
Cool.
Yeah, maybe see you later.
I am definitely seeing him later.
And when I say later, I mean now.
Let's do it.
I don't know Come on Josie! Don't be a cunt.
Bit harsh? You know what I mean.
Look we've got our own party? You know, our own guests? Who's going to hand round the vol-au-vents and put on the Cheryl Cole CD Fuck it! Someone stump up for a cab or shall we run? I'm not running.
I'm in kitten heels.
My shoelaces keep coming undone! I'm sorry.
Are my shoes not to your liking? I'm so sorry I forced you to buy them Here.
Can you take my bag? That must must've been my car keys.
Yeah! I've got a car! Right? My God! I totally forgot I had a car! How cool is that? I feel like I've just won a car! Where are the girls? They were meant to send girls.
Not only have they not sent girls, they've sent guys.
Like that's what the man party needed, more men.
It's raining men.
I mean, there are large puddles of men.
It's a hazard.
I'm drowning in cock, Kingsley, and I don't like it.
No, they're not for you! The premium continental lagers are clearly labelled.
And the same goes for the goujons.
They're for Ralph and Toby.
If you want food, eat Josie's munge.
Say that again? The pan of pressure-cooked carrots, onions and potato.
It's actually got quite a subtle flavour.
Right.
For a minute there I was thinking I might have to re-grease my penis! Excellent.
Team Ralph's here.
I need to get them a VIP area, otherwise they'll be mobbed by all these no-marks and zeros.
No offence to you, Kingsley.
Hey! 'Sup, dude? Good to see ya! T-Dog in the cribbage! All right, guy? Bit of a sausage party.
Isn't it, mate? Bit of a sausage party.
Isn't it, mate? How do you mean? Well, It's a testicle festival.
A brodeo.
Too many dicks, not many chicks.
Ou est les hotties? Well, I mean, our hotties have gone out to find, er to bring back some of their hottie mates.
Maybe we should just head? What do you reckon? We've got shit to do anyway.
Don't do that! I mean, I wouldn't do that.
There's going to be loads of babes here, any minute.
Go get the door! In the meantime, let's get busy on the tour.
All aboard the banter bus! Coolio! So, this is my room.
The bachelor pad.
The flop shop.
Yeah, I chose the top floor room so that even if I'm taking a bird from behind, I've got a good view.
Yeah! And if we just come through here that's the ensuite.
And this is the smoking room! So, whose room is this? Basically just my spare room, you know? A little bolt-hole, somewhere to come and chillax when it gets too hectic.
Let me clear some of this shit away.
Rowing machine.
You any good? Mate! That's not the rowing machine.
This is the rowing machine.
We're thinking of getting a crew together.
Well, let me show you how many rows I can do.
That as fast as you can go? No chance! I'm just warming up.
Stretching the lats! Good shoulder rolling! Nice elbows! Can you go faster? No problemo! What's your lung capacity like? Well, I can row and keep a conversation going at the same time, so what do you reckon? Show us how many rows you can do while smoking a spliff.
Easy! What do you think? Keep it going.
Keep it going.
Looking good, hey? Yeah, man.
You look the tits.
Hey, terrible party.
I've got an idea.
But I don't know if it's a good idea.
Russell Brand's head as fuckbait.
Doesn't sound great.
No, that sounds bad.
Too weird.
On the pillow? That's mad.
Or is it? But then I could curl up hidden under the covers, then when someone came in I'm not going to do this.
I'm not going to use Russell Brand's head as fuckbait.
What rom-com did you see this in? Was it There's Something About Fuckbait, or When Harry Used Fuckbait? The idea of going to a gym in Manchester does not bear thinking about.
I do not want some sweaty Shaun Ryder, arching his back on a Pilates ball, thrusting his coke-addled testes in my mush.
No.
Fuck that.
That's why we've got our own gym stuff.
We're just looking for somewhere to set it up.
Well, I mean You can use here if you want.
It's just my den.
Yeah? Yeah.
Fuck it.
I'm not using anything for it.
All right.
Tobes, why don't you drive back and bring the weights over Yeah! Cool! Why WEIGHT? You don't mind if I? No, course not.
Yeah.
I mean, it's only a fucking beer, right? Yeah, that's right.
Were you afraid I was nicking your Petit Filou? No, I wouldn't mind that.
I mean, they're only little.
Is that Are you having a pop? No? I'm Dave, by the way.
Hello.
Kingsley.
How's the house? Anyone got laid yet? Well, not me.
That doesn't surprise me! Only messing, mate.
Is this food? It looks a bit like someone's been sick on some food.
Munge, mate.
Grill it up with cheddar and you've got chunge.
Luxury munge.
Munge, yeah I'd never heard of it.
It's a real thing, then, is it? Nah, just what Josie calls it.
So are you on her course? No, I'm her boyfriend.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I was wondering who her boyfriend was I assumed she had a boyfriend.
You're her boyfriend? Brilliant! God, I am hammered.
You're not the drummer, are you? You asked me that already.
I told you - I'm the front man.
Excellent.
I love a front man.
The drummer's here somewhere.
Fuck him.
Drummers are boring.
Always hiding away behind their drums.
Hiding away behind their sticks.
Mainly the drums.
You can't really hide behind sticks.
Will you let me finish the story about playing the Borderline? -Yes, I am.
playing the Borderline? Yes, I am.
OK, then.
In a minute.
Hey.
So, how's it going? He's hot but he's boring.
So, do you think we could head back? No, I'm going to snog him just to shut him up.
So, are you a student? No.
Nooo.
So, what do you do? I'm a heating engineer.
Cool, very cool.
You don't know anything about it, do you? No.
No.
Yeah So, how long have you been seeing Josie? Why? Are you sniffing around? What? I'm kidding.
I know you're not like that.
You're a Petit Filous man.
What does that mean? We've been going out two and a half years.
Really? Why is that so surprising? Just seems like a long time.
Surely she must have told you all this.
Um, no, not all of it.
You want another beer? Er, yeah, why not? Fuck it.
Yeah, I mean, it's not like you have to be up tomorrow, is it? Or ever.
You piece of shit.
I'm kidding.
Way to say hello.
I like it.
Ha, yeah, I'm just friendly like that.
You must be Vod.
Riz was saying he thought you had a thing for him.
Yeah, he's well arrogant.
Yeah, he's a twat.
Unlike me, I'm lovely.
I'm Mark, the drummer.
Yeah, I know that.
I can tell you apart! Yeah, it's not hard.
I'm the one with the sticks! Exactly! That's exactly what I meant! Wait there.
I'll be right back.
Glad I remembered how to drive.
I can't remember the last time I had to drive.
Presumably you had to drive to uni, so Yeah, but apart from that one drive, I've basically never driven.
Yeah, so do you think we should head back? Yeah, maybe.
I'll go see what Vod's doing.
We've got to go.
I've snogged the wrong guy.
What? It must be because they were wearing the same jacket.
I'm not racist for Asians.
I'm not racist, I'm just slutty! There you are.
Yeah, Vod wants to head off too, so OK, great.
All back to ours! So So There is a rumour that Russell Brand is in your room and passed out on downers.
Yeah, yeah, he is, I could introduce you if you like? The head worked.
Not as in fuck bait, but chat bait.
It's a good head.
I'm growing quite attached to the head.
Josie's got a boyfriend.
She's not mentioned a boyfriend.
Yes, I'd noticed that.
So how do you "feel" about that? Fine.
I was a bit angry.
I was pretty angry.
But it's none of my business.
She doesn't owe me anything, so let's move on.
I mean, she shouldn't have lied to me.
That was a total betrayal.
But I barely know her.
So it's basically fine.
Fucked up.
But fine.
I'm ready to move on.
I've already moved on.
It's fine.
Nothing to move on from.
It's all fine.
I'm actually glad.
OK.
Good.
Yeah, apparently Russell Brand's upstairs, probably washing some female ejaculate out of his pubey woobs, as he'd put it.
Shocking guy.
So, how's the party been without me? Bit shit? Or total shit? Hey, babe! Dave! What are you doing here? I thought I'd surprise you.
You did! I am surprised.
Really surprised.
I am so fucking surprised! So, Kingsley here has been looking after me while you were gone.
He seems nice.
Does he? Good.
He is nice.
As are you.
The hotties are back.
All of my bitches have rolled on home.
All three of them? Is that the best you can do? It's hardly an embarrassment of bitches.
I'll get it! I'll get it! So, how come you just turned up? I thought it'd be a nice surprise for you.
It is.
A huge surprise.
I see Josie's pulled! He's her boyfriend.
Josie hasn't got a boyfriend.
That's not what his body language says.
Or his mouth language.
Well, it makes sense, I mean, she is a bit girl-next-door.
Perfect wife material.
Yeah.
She's just ridiculously lovely, isn't she? So, um, by the way, I've got a car! My mum gave it to me.
She won it on a scratch card, which is mad.
But then she buys fuck loads.
So, um, yeah, I think she might be addicted.
Pretend you're my boyfriend.
What? Why? I was drunk, it was dark.
I'm not racist, I just put my hand down the wrong trousers, Gromit.
There you are.
I've got a boyfriend.
You've got a boyfriend? Hello.
That's right.
I'm Howard.
Howard the boyfriend.
You're really her boyfriend? Yeah.
I don't believe you.
Fuck off, Riz.
I'm Mark.
Fuck off, Mark.
Yeah.
Fuck off, Mark.
He's my boyfriend, right, get over it.
I'm sorry, he's not your boyfriend.
If he wasn't, would I do this? Possibly not.
Right, careful with the munge.
The munge now has sick in it.
All the warm bit is sick, the cooler bit is still good munge.
Check it out, the Wentworth crowd.
Looks like we've got a happening party going on! Yay This could be fun.
I think Dave might be about to kick the shit out of Ralph.
You should stop them! Yeah, I should stop them, butdo I want to stop them? He might also kick the shit out of JP, who doesn't want that? So, I have a question for you guys.
JP here reckons he's a bit of a fanny magnet.
Hey, cut that shit out.
There's no "reckons" about it.
I am the Fuckmeister General.
If he is your boyfriend, why were you all over me before? We have an open relationship.
No, we fucking haven't.
I'm fucking serious about you, Howard.
And you're serious about me.
Well, why were you all over him, then? It was a moment of madness, you know what I'm like.
That's true.
I do know what she's like.
And she's mad.
So, my question to you is, is it true, as JP claims, that he pulled on his first night here? Yeah, he pulled.
He pulled himself off looking at his own Facebook photo.
This is just like more of your bullshit, Vod.
Like when you snogged Russell Brand.
I mean, yeah, fine, Russell Brand.
But, who's this guy? He's just some guy.
He's not a celebrity.
I'm a drummer.
That doesn't count.
Have you heard that Russell Brand's in the house? Britain's favourite Dickensian Goth is here.
I'll show you.
So, what's he got that I haven't got? Isn't it obvious? No.
Well He's comfortable in his own skin, unlike you.
You want to be Mark.
I am Mark! You want to be Riz.
You know what I mean! I don't want to be like Riz, actually.
Riz is a fucking twat.
And so are you.
Look I'm sorry, Riz! Mark! I'm sorry, Mark! She asked me to be her temporary boyfriend.
It's a service I provide.
They had this pyro man, his name was Philippe they called him the human torch.
There was supposed to be this backdrop, he pumped me in with his guitar in Borderline.
The other cool thing about the girls in the house is you can sort of talk to them and shit, you know? How do you mean? I don't know, it's like, it's like they're sort of just OK.
I can't really explain.
That is fucking poor gym etiquette.
JP! Those weights are expensive! Go and save my dumbbells, dumbbell! Paul! Paul, Paul, mate.
Would you stop throwing shit out the window? Paul, please don't be a cunt.
Paul? Paul! Let me in, open the fucking door! You will cease and desist.
Paul! So first you nick my trainers, then you nick Riz? I thought you wanted to get off with Mark? Why would you think that? Because you were getting off with Mark.
Doesn't matter They're all the same, anyway.
Men, not Asians.
So, where were we? Yeah, I Ralph's chipped.
Gougon's cained.
And Josie's got a boyfriend, so that's my fall-back shag out the window.
For tonight, anyway.
Right, that's it.
I've had enough.
I'm going to bed.
What are you doing? I'm letting this serve as a warning.
Who to? In general.
A general warning.
Look, I'm sorry about getting off with Riz, yeah.
I only did it to shut him up.
Amazing party.
Classic party.
Man.
My car! That's cool, cos it's my dad's, the dick.
Pass the ash tray.
'Pregnancies among teenagers are often unplanned and unwanted.
'Unlike older mothers, 'teenager mothers lack education, experience and income.
'