Friends s01e02 Episode Script

You don't understand.
For us, kissing is as important as any part.
Yeah, right! You serious? Oh, yeah.
- Everything is in that first kiss.
- Absolutely.
For us, kissing's an opening act.
.
like the comedian you have to sit through.
.
before Pink Floyd comes out.
And it's not that we don't like the comedian.
It's just that that's not why we bought the ticket.
The problem is, no matter how great the show was.
.
you girls are looking for the comedian again.
We're in the car, fighting traffic, just trying to stay awake.
Word of advice: Bring back the comedian.
Or next time you'll find yourself listening to that album alone.
Are we still talking about sex? The One With the Sonogram at the End No, it's good.
It is good.
It's just that Doesn't she seem a little angry? Well, she has issues.
Does she? Try to live with "Mr.
I'm Evolving.
" He's out while she's home getting the mastodon smell out of the carpet.
Marsha, see, these are cave people.
Okay, they have issues like: "Gee, that glacier's getting kind of close.
" Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife? - No.
- Yes, it is.
Carol, hi! Okay.
Yes, it is.
I'll catch up with you in the Ice Age.
- Can I stay? - No.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Is this a bad time? - No, it's.
.
the Stone Age.
You look great.
I hate that.
Sorry.
Thanks.
You look good too.
Well, you know, in here, anyone who.
.
stands erect.
.
- What's new? Still a - A lesbian? - I'm pregnant.
- Pregnant.
She didn't leave in such a hurry after all.
This is the Three's Company episode with a misunderstanding.
Then I've already seen this one.
Are you through with that? Sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.
Whose ball of paper is this? Mine.
I wrote a note to myself, then I didn't need it.
So I balled it up and now I wish I was dead.
She already fluffed that pillow.
You already fluffed It's fine.
I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition.
Parents can be cruel about the flatness of a child's pillow.
Relax, you do this every time.
The place looks great.
You got a lasagna here that looks good enough.
.
to avoid touching.
Monica? Hi! Monica, you're scaring me.
I mean, you're all chaotic and twirly, you know? Not in a good way.
Calm down.
You don't see Ross getting twirly every time they come.
That's because my parents think Ross can do no wrong.
You see, he's "The Prince.
" They had some big ceremony before I was born.
- What? - Ugly Naked Guy got a ThighMaster.
- Has anybody seen my engagement ring? - It's beautiful.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! No, don't touch that.
Like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back.
"Hi, Barry, remember me? I'm the girl that stomped on your heart.
" Now I must return the ring without the ring.
.
which makes it so much harder.
Easy, we'll find it.
Won't we? Look, it's gonna be okay.
You'll give it back.
.
- and we'll eat ice cream.
- Okay.
It's a pear-shaped diamond Any diamond ring we find, we'll run it by you.
- When did you have it last? - Doy, right before she lost it.
You don't get a lot of "doy" these days.
I know I had it this morning.
I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with Dinah? - Oh, don't be mad.
- You didn't.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I gave you one job! But look how straight those noodles are.
That's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagna.
I just can't do it.
Boys? We're going in.
Hi.
- That is not a happy "hi.
" - Carol's pregnant.
I found it! What? Yeah.
Do that for two hours, you might be where I am about now.
That puts that whole pillow thing in perspective.
How do you fit into this whole thing? Carol and Susan want me to be involved.
But if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.
- It's totally up to me.
- She is so great.
I miss her.
- What does she mean by "involved"? - Your job is done.
And the most enjoyable.
Phoebe, say something.
They want me to go down to this sonogram thing.
.
with them tomorrow.
Remember when life was simpler.
.
and she was just a lesbian? Those were the days.
- What are you gonna do? - I have no idea.
No matter what I do, I'm still gonna be a father.
This is still ruined, right? Martha Lugwin's daughter is gonna call you.
- What's that curry taste? - Curry.
I think they're great.
I really do.
The big Lugwin had a thing for you.
- They all had a thing for him.
- Oh, Mom.
Why is this girl going to call me? She just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking or food.
.
I told her you have a restaurant - I don't have, I work in a restaurant.
- They don't have to know that.
- Ross, help me with the spaghetti.
- Yes.
Oh, we're having spaghetti.
That's easy.
We were going to have lasagna.
- I love lasagna.
- We're not having it.
Then why bring it up? He latches on.
This will sound unbelievably selfish.
.
but did you plan to bring up the baby/lesbian thing? It might take the heat off of me.
That Rachel.
We saw her parents at the club.
They were not playing well.
I won't say what they spent.
.
but $40,000 is a lot for a wedding.
At least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
- It's an expression.
- No, it's not.
Don't listen to her.
You've always been independent.
Even when you were a chubby kid.
.
and you had no friends, you were just fine.
You'd read alone in your room.
Your puzzles.
.
People like Ross need to shoot for the stars.
With his museum and his published papers.
Others are satisfied with staying where they are.
These people never get cancer.
They're happy with what they have, content.
.
like cows.
Cows, Dad? She knows how much I love cows.
I read about women trying to have it all, and I thank God.
.
our "Harmonica" doesn't have that problem.
- I'm telling you, you'll be fine.
- Thank you, Daddy.
Oh, so this does work.
So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks? Look, I realize you guys have been wondering.
.
what exactly happened between Carol and me.
And so, well, here's the deal.
Carol's a lesbian.
She lives with a woman named Susan.
She's pregnant with my child.
She and Susan are going to raise the baby.
And you knew about this? Folks are really that bad? Well, you know, these people are pros.
They know what they do.
They take their time.
They get the job done.
They say that you can't change your parents.
Boy, if you could, I'd want yours.
Must pee.
It's worse when you're twins.
- You're a twin? - We don't speak.
She's this high-powered, driven, career-type.
- What does she do? - She's a waitress.
- Identical? - People say we look alike.
But I don't see it.
You guys, I kind of gotta clean up now.
Chandler, as an only child, you don't have this.
No, although I did have an imaginary friend.
.
who my parents preferred.
Hit the lights, please.
How long was I in there? - I'm just cleaning up.
- Oh, you need any help? Okay, sure.
Thanks.
Anyway.
.
So you nervous about Barry tomorrow? A little.
A lot.
So, got any advice? You know, as someone who's recently been dumped.
You may wanna steer clear of the word "dumped.
" Chances are he's gonna be this broken shell of a man.
You should try not to look too terrific.
I know it'll be hard.
Or I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring.
And you can go with Carol and Susan to the ob-gyn.
You've got Carol tomorrow.
- When did it get so complicated? - Got me.
- Remember being in high school? - Yeah.
Didn't you think you'd meet someone.
.
fall in love, and that'd be it? - Ross? - Yes.
Yes.
Man, I never thought I'd be here.
Me neither.
Sorry I'm late.
I got stuck at work.
There was this big dinosaur thing.
Anyway.
.
Hi.
- You remember Susan.
- How could I forget? Hello, Susan.
Good shake, good shake.
So, we're just waiting for? - Dr.
Oberman.
- And is he? - She.
- Of course, "she.
" Is she familiar with our special situation? - Yes, and she's very supportive.
- Okay, that's great.
No, I'm Oh.
Thanks.
That opens my cervix.
- Barry? - Come on in.
- Are you sure? - It's fine.
Robbie's gonna be here for hours.
So, how are you doing? I'm.
.
I'm okay.
- You look great.
- Yeah, well.
Dr.
Farber, Jason Greenspan's gagging.
Be right there.
Be back in a second.
I dumped him.
So, how's this all gonna work? The baby grows in a special place inside Thank you.
I mean, how's this gonna work, you know, with us? When important decisions have to be made? - Give me a "for instance.
" - Well, I don't know.
- How about with the baby's name? - Marlon.
If it's a boy.
Minnie, if it's a girl.
As in "Mouse"? As in my grandmother.
Still, you say "Minnie," you hear "Mouse.
" How about.
.
? How about Julia? - Julia.
- We agreed on Minnie.
We agreed we'd spend our lives together.
Things change.
Roll with the punches.
I believe Julia's on the table? Sorry about that.
So, what have you been up to? Oh, not much.
- I got a job.
- That's great.
Why are you so tan? I went to Aruba.
Oh, no.
You went on our honeymoon alone? No.
I went with.
.
- Now, this may hurt.
- Me? No.
I went with Mindy.
Mindy? My maid of honor, Mindy? Yeah, we're kind of a thing now.
You got plugs! Careful.
They haven't quite taken yet.
And you got lenses.
You hate sticking your finger in your eye.
Not for her.
Listen, I really wanted to thank you.
Okay.
A month ago, I wanted to hurt you more than I've ever wanted to.
And I'm an orthodontist.
You know, you were right.
I thought we were happy.
We weren't happy.
But with Mindy.
.
now I'm happy.
- Spit.
- What? Me.
Anyway.
.
I guess this belongs to you.
Or maybe some day Mindy.
Like she'd settle for that.
Yeah, that's true.
But I think it's a nice ring.
.
and thank you for giving it to me.
Thank you for giving it back.
Hello! - Please, what's wrong with Helen? - Helen Geller? - I don't think so.
- It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
- Thank you.
- No, I mean, it's not Geller.
It'll be Helen Willick? No, actually, we talked about Helen Willick Bunch.
Wait a minute.
Why is she in the title? It's my baby too.
Really? I don't remember you making any sperm.
And we all know what a challenge that is.
- You two, stop it.
- She gets a credit.
I'm in there too.
Helen Willick Bunch Geller? I think that borders on child abuse.
Of course not.
I'm suggesting Geller Willick Bunch.
See what he does? He knows no one's gonna say all those names.
They'll call her Geller.
He gets his way.
My way? You think this is my way? Of all the ways I ever imagined this moment being.
.
this is not my You know what? This is too hard.
Knock, knock.
How are we? Any nausea? - A little.
- Just a little.
I was wondering about the mother-to-be, but thanks for sharing.
- Lie back.
- You know what? I'm gonna go.
I don't think I can be involved in this family thing.
- Oh, my God! - Look at that.
I know.
Well, isn't that amazing? What are we supposed to be seeing here? I don't know, but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
If you tilt your head and relax your eyes.
.
it kind of looks like an old potato.
Then don't do that, all right? Monica, what do you think? - Are you welling up? - No.
- You are.
You're welling up.
- I'm not.
- You're gonna be an aunt.
- Oh, shut up.
Hi, Mindy.
Hi, it's Rachel.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I saw Barry today.
Yeah, he told me.
No, it's okay.
Really, it's okay.
I hope you two are very happy.
I really do.
And, Min, you know, if everything works out.
.
and you guys get married and have kids.
.
I hope they have his hairline and your nose! That was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now!