Friends from College (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

- [Ethan, breathlessly.]
Oh, yeah.
- Marianne's sleeping.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Is that better? Oh, God, I'm so worried about work today.
I wish I wasn't working at a hedge fund.
That's just first day of school jitters, okay? You're going to be the smartest person in the place.
Remember that.
It's not that.
It's the evil.
[bed springs creak.]
[Lisa.]
Oh, yeah.
- [Lisa.]
Oh, God, give it to me.
- [Ethan.]
I'm going to give it to you.
- Take it.
Here.
- What was that? What was that? Marianne? [Ethan whispers.]
No.
I'm telling you, that can't be Marianne.
There's no way she's up this early.
What does she have to do? Nothing.
You're right.
She's like a cat.
[Ethan laughs.]
[Lisa.]
All she does is nap and eat.
[Marianne.]
Good morning, guys! [Ethan whispers.]
Shit.
Hey, what? Hey.
Oh, we're waking up.
- What time is it? - Oh, we're waking up.
We're just waking up.
We're literally just waking up now.
- [Lisa.]
What's happened? - [Ethan.]
So, hey, look at you.
Some early morning yoga, huh? Yep.
6:30 a.
m.
class.
- Good for you.
- Wonderful.
That's wonderful.
That's good.
A good way to start the day.
Do you think she heard us? What? No, it's fine.
Hey, Marianne, I'm going to make some coffee.
Do you want some? [Marianne.]
Oh, yeah.
[mimicking Lisa.]
Give it to me.
Oh, give it to me.
- Okay.
I'm off.
- I love you, babe.
And I am proud of you.
At least one of us is.
Bye, Marianne.
- Bye! Good luck! - Remember, you're not evil.
- I'm not evil! - You are not evil! [excitedly.]
I'm so nervous.
I've got all this energy.
Opening night of your play! I can't wait! - Yeah, me too! Okay, Ethan.
- Yes.
- I need a huge favor.
- Anything.
I need you to take Anastasia to the vet for a check-up.
I'd do it, but I'm the only point person between the YMCA and production.
- Sure.
Why not? Okay.
- Okay.
You're the best.
I'll text you the doctor's information.
- Okay.
- Wish me luck! Have a good day.
Alright, take care.
Okay.
Alright, Anastasia, time to read Hunger Games: Mockingjay.
[iPad rings.]
[computer rings.]
[cell phone rings.]
What? Why are you FaceTiming me? You're FaceTiming me! Damn it.
Hold on, I'll call you back.
Don't.
You don't have to call back.
[devices ring.]
No, this is What are we Hello.
Yeah.
You really like talking to my face, don't ya? I don't have time to figure this out right now.
We have to talk about the night.
I can't understand you.
Your cell phone reception is crappy.
[shouting.]
The other night was almost a disaster! Jesus Christ, bring it down.
I don't like the phone.
If we want to talk, we should meet some place.
- Hello? - [Lisa.]
Hey.
Forgot my charger.
- Cool.
- Oh, shit.
- [Lisa.]
Bye! - [Ethan.]
Bye, Lisa! Here's the deal with FaceTime - everybody can see our faces! Yeah, okay We should meet in person.
Just make sure it's somewhere no one knows us.
[call ended tone.]
Are you fucking kidding me? [ominous organ music plays.]
Welcome, madam.
I'll tell my master you've arrived.
I am not eating here.
You said pick a place where we would not be recognized.
Fair enough.
It's weird, there's no internal consistency here.
Some of the food here is monster themed and some of it is it Tex-Mex? The other night was crazy.
And not in a good way.
I know, I'm sorry.
It was stupid.
I feel awful.
We're bad people.
- Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
- I said "we"! My husband was in the next room.
Your wife was downstairs.
- My children were asleep in their beds.
- I know! What happened to the "let's just be friends" plan? I don't know what to say.
This has been going on for so long, I have no idea what to tell you.
I'm not proud.
All I know is I can't sleep thinking about our kiss.
I will admit, it was a good one.
Right? Hey! Is that Ethan? Ethan Turner! - Hey.
How are you? - I'm Bob Nano.
I was the year below you at Harvard.
- Yes! - Dunster House, right? - Yes, alright! - This is my son, Spencer.
- We're here for his birthday.
- Happy birthday.
You look familiar.
You went to Harvard, too, didn't you? - Nope.
- Did not go to college.
Just went to the school of hard knocks.
It's great to see ya.
- Alright, yeah.
Go away.
- What? Did you - Yeah.
- Okay.
See you later! - How is he younger than me? - That's what you're thinking about? His son has a mustache.
Are we old enough to have mustache babies? - Your soul belongs to me now! - [yelling.]
Nope! Gotta go! God, is there anywhere in New York City where we're safe? [waiter.]
Say it with me.
It's alive! It's alive! [whispers.]
We have to get out of here.
I'm glad you're here.
Our legal team has had quite a large workload as of late.
Well, from what I read, the new SEC regulations can be quite complex.
They can be.
We also deal with our fair share of sexual harassment claims.
Sexual harassment from where? Within the firm.
The culture here at Blackstool is quite masculine.
I don't mean to bias you, but it's better that you know.
Well, I used to work for the ACLU defending Neo-Nazis' freedom of speech, so I think I'm going to be okay.
Have you been to Scores? Scores, the strip club? Yes.
No, I don't think I have.
You will go.
Okay, great.
[on speakerphone.]
I want to make sure we're on the same page with the new regulations.
- You must be Lisa.
- Yeah.
I thought you should hear this.
It's the SEC.
Oh, yeah, I think we are on the same page, you fucking cocksucker! Fuck you! Fuck you! Sorry, they put it on mute.
They really like this joke.
You fucking bitch! I love it.
I love this, you guys.
- The SEC imposes on - Yeah.
I missed that.
What's the last thing you said? - I hope for more transparency - Brucie, it's time.
Bruce! - [chanting.]
Bruce! - Lay it on him.
Lay it on him, Brucie! - Come on! - I want to see that snake! [cheering.]
I'm sorry, I didn't know they were going to be doing this bit.
- I love that thing! - Hey! - Hello.
- Un-mute it with your dick.
Hey, we actually have a little treat.
Lisa Turner's our new in-house counsel.
She's going to say what's up.
Yeah, hello.
I look forward to working with you.
I look forward to working with you, too.
Call him a fucking pussy.
- What? - Call him a fucking pussy.
- Now that we've gone over that - No.
- You can do it.
It's fine.
- Mrs Turner, you can do it.
- You don't understand.
He can't hear.
- Yeah.
- You can hear him, but - He can't hear us.
I pushed the button.
No, thank you.
- Thank you, no.
- Alright, whatever.
My only question is how big are your dad's balls? - What was that? - Fuck! - Sorry.
- We gotta be on the same fucking page.
- I'm so sorry, Mike.
- Mike, did you just yell something? Yeah, we heard a weird thing.
- Did you talk about my dad's balls? - What? So you went to Harvard? Yeah.
- I went to Princeton.
- Right.
[Fammer.]
Little help.
[Ethan.]
We're just here to talk.
[Sam.]
Yeah, totally.
Just talking.
[moaning.]
[mechanical beeping.]
- [Sam.]
Wait one second.
Wait.
- Alright.
God, I want you against the wall! You don't have to say it.
It's already happening.
You're like a sex narrator.
Oh, no.
Jon changed the code.
Wait, what? What does that mean that Jon changed the code? Well, we change it sometimes.
They make you change it.
Okay, why is it going faster? [beeping speeds up.]
Jon doesn't know I'm here.
If security comes, he'll know.
Oh, God.
Okay.
I think the code's on one of these.
Is it this? Is it this right here? What? That's a place mat! Does it look like a security code? That's Pearl's drawing.
I was looking for something laminated.
Now I see it's a castle.
She's very good for her age.
I can tell what it is.
You know what? We'll just leave and we'll say that it was an electrical malfunction.
[alarm sounds.]
Right! - What are you doing? - Now it looks like a break-in! No, it doesn't! The glass is on the outside.
The chair is on the outside.
It looks like a break-out! Oh, God.
You should write detective fiction! [phone rings.]
That's the security company.
We have three minutes till they get here.
We gotta go! Wait! Fingerprints.
We've got to wipe everything down.
- I live here! - Right.
God damn it, you're good.
[cell phone rings.]
Wait a sec.
What are you doing? Why are you stopping? - Do you have a menstrual cramp? - Lisa is calling.
So call her back at a more opportune time! I can't.
It'll look suspicious.
No, I know what regulations are.
I fucking invented regulations! Say fuck the regulations like I fucked his wife.
Fuck your regulations like my friend fucked your wife.
- Like you did.
- Like I fucked your wife.
[Ethan.]
Hey, babe! How was your first day at the hedge fund? Well, you know how I thought it was going to be horrible? It's worse.
Look, a fucked-up dick.
- That's great! - What? That's awful.
I meant to say that that's awful.
It's like a really bad place.
I'm in bed with some really bad people.
You are not a bad person.
No, I didn't say that I was a bad person.
I was saying that Neither did I.
I said you were not.
I'm sorry, I don't know why I keep getting hung up on this.
I am so sorry.
What can I do? How can I make it better? Well, I mean, you can come into the city and take me for lunch.
It'd be nice to see the face of a decent human being.
I wish that I could, but I'm I'm still at the vet with Marianne's rabbit.
It's nice of you to take care of it.
[seat belt alert.]
What's that beeping sound? The beeping? They have Anastasia on a heart monitor.
Jesus, is she going to be okay? - Yeah.
They're being cautious.
- Okay.
Well, I'm going to see you for drinks with Nick before Marianne's play, right? [Ethan yells.]
[Sam screams.]
What's happening? Shit's going down with a pit bull, Rottweiler, Doberman, chow mix! I've got to go, honey.
This is crazy! No, a dog is eating the cat! - It's straight-up cartoon shit.
- Ethan! Everything's fine.
Bye.
What [shouts.]
I don't give a fuck! Fuck you! Yeah, I'll hold.
Marianne loved this rabbit.
This might have been her best friend.
- I'm her best friend! - Okay.
Good for you.
She'll still be devastated.
You have to help me break the news to her.
Are you crazy? We are not supposed to be together.
This is on you! What should I do? Return the body to Marianne and apologize for killing the rabbit.
That's what a good person would do.
Or would a good person find an identical rabbit to spare Marianne the pain? That's not good.
It's covering your ass! That's right, you got a C in moral reasoning.
I'm covering both of our asses and that's altruism.
You're such a strict Kantian.
You know I'm relativistic! If I tell Marianne the truth, it's going to blow up our lives! I don't like it! Every one of your fixes creates new problems.
You're like a contractor! - And you lash out when you're at fault.
- I am aware! You're right.
You're totally 100 percent right.
We're going to tell Marianne the truth and return Anastasia's body.
You're making me really nervous.
What's taking so long? Yeah, well, it's hard to dig a hole with your bare hands.
I don't have paws.
- We've got to go! - Okay! Alright! Okay.
Alright.
Goodbye.
You were a great roommate.
- Come on! - Yes, alright! So what we're looking for is a rabbit that looks just like that.
- Oh, you're looking for a Hotot? - Yes! A Hotot.
There we go.
There's the guy.
Done.
That's a New Zealand white.
Your rabbit looked about five pounds.
This girl's going to fill out to be ten, maybe 12 pounds.
Will she gain five pounds in the next five hours? If not, I don't care.
No.
But she doesn't have the black rings around her eyes.
Very good! Hotots have characteristic black rings around their eyes.
We have no Hotots.
We take the rabbit back, then go to the play.
- Yeah.
- Are you sure this mascara's okay? It's fine.
That stuff was literally tested on rabbits.
- Jesus, Sam.
- You've already killed a rabbit.
We're past the cruelty-free conversation.
You know what? - I don't know what I'm doing any more.
- It's fine.
Marianne will never know the difference.
Put it back in its cage so you don't kill another one.
Are you not concerned at all? [high-pitched.]
Of course I'm concerned! We killed a bunny! I don't understand.
What are we doing? Have you ever cheated on somebody before? No! Of course not! - Have you? - No! What kind of person do you think I am? I don't understand what's going on.
What are we doing? I don't know.
It's just it's lasted for so long.
When we started, it wasn't cheating.
No, we were just two kids hooking up.
You were the second person I was ever with.
It's like your vagina is imprinted on my brain.
- We're good people.
- We are such bad people.
We're such bad people.
Okay, Ethan just bailed on drinks.
He's a loser, anyway.
- Yeah.
- Right? Screw that guy! Oh, God.
This job.
The people that I work with, they're so terrible.
They're evil people.
They're evil.
Well, on the bright side, their kids will be fuck-ups like me.
- What? Don't be so hard on yourself.
- What are you talking about? Look, it's not your fault that you have a trust fund.
Okay? Yeah, you're right.
I'm sort of the victim in this situation.
- I wouldn't go that far.
- No, you're right.
- No, listen.
- I am a victim.
Listen, if I had a ton of money, I wouldn't do anything, either.
Thank you.
That's not true.
I think you would.
Because you're, like, the type of person that has to have meaning in their life.
You do, too, you just don't realize it because you're too busy sleeping with a rotating harem of beautiful women that are half your age.
Okay.
I find the term "rotating harem" degrading.
- Okay? - But accurate.
It's more of like a sexual mentorship, for example.
- What? - Can we get two more scotches? Thank you.
Jesus.
Hey, can I have one of those? I corrupted you.
No, I am too old to be corrupted.
Yeah, we'll see about that.
Is that what you're wearing to Marianne's play? You got a different idea? I might.
I might just.
I mean, it is opening night.
We do kind of need to be fancy.
Fancy pantsy.
[Sam.]
We're a little early.
Thank God.
[Ethan.]
Marianne's play better be good.
A reverse gender production of Streetcar? What could be bad about that? [Sam sighs.]
[Ethan.]
Wow.
- What a nightmare of a day.
- I know.
So stressful.
So stressed.
My shoulders are, like, up to my ears.
- I need a release.
- I know how you feel.
I'm all, like, tense physically.
I feel like I'm going to explode.
[Ethan breathes deeply.]
- [Sam whispers.]
No.
- No.
No, we can't.
No.
[amorous groaning.]
[Ethan.]
It's a button fly.
Hold on.
We should stop doing this.
Right now.
- Shit! Oh, God, shit! - Oh, Jesus! Oh, my God.
Sorry to interrupt.
But it's illegal to have sex in public.
We weren't having sex.
I can see your wee-wee.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry.
Is this public? Well, I can see you, so yes.
Officer, are you going to arrest us? No.
I'm going to write you up for public fornication.
Is there any way that we could pay that fee right now? Nope.
It's going to be mailed and then you can pay it.
Is there a way for you to not mail it? [Sam.]
Can you email us the summons instead? Nope.
It would definitely be mailed.
Okay.
Alright.
And then when will that arrive? I live in a different borough, so Do you want me to arrest you? - No.
- Would that be more convenient for you? - [Ethan.]
No, actually, mail's perfect.
- Perfect.
Now, tell me this.
Was the Matt black extra? Yeah, it was, but I think it was worth it.
Nice.
- [Nick.]
My lady.
- [Lisa.]
Thank you, sir.
Hi! I thought I was going to be here alone.
No.
- [Lisa.]
We're here.
- Glad you made it.
- We're ready.
We're excited.
- I like your I like your outfits.
- [Nick.]
Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
- What are you wearing? - It's a dress.
- It's a night out on the town.
- Gotta be fancy.
Are you guys drunk? - What? - [Max.]
It's Monday night! - It's not.
- Says who? [Nick.]
Oh, wow.
[Max.]
Is this the show? Did the show start? [Nick.]
Is there a silent monologue? Wow! - Good luck, Marianne.
- [Nick.]
She's in character.
I feel like you do this preparation before you come on stage.
- [Nick.]
Yes.
- [Lisa.]
I don't understand art.
It's just the preamble here.
Now it's starting.
[Lisa.]
It's happening? Feels like you would already have that on stage.
It could've started there, yeah.
[actor giggles like a woman.]
This is about sisters.
This is like Frozen.
Hey, sweetie.
I'm sorry I'm late.
The vet took forever.
It's okay.
Everything's great.
It's so nice of you to take care of that bunny.
Were you wearing this this morning? - I was not.
- Guys, we're trying to watch the play.
[audience members shush.]
Oh, my gosh.
- You married? - I was.
What happened? He He died.
[Sam.]
Sorry, I got held up at work.
Hi.
Hi, Sam.
- Good to see you, Sam.
- Likewise.
So the guys are girls and the girls are guys? Yes.
[audience shushes.]
- You shush! - Yeah, you shush.
[Lisa.]
Whoa! [angrily.]
Pick it up! Pick it up! - Whoa.
- Whoa.
[shoes squeak.]
If they just walked normally, they'd be less noticeable.
I hope this part never ends.
[slurring.]
Oh, hell.
- Stay away from me.
I mean it.
- Or what? [shoes squeak.]
It's the middle of the scene.
- break down upon your head.
- [Marianne.]
Yeah.
Let it! [Max.]
Why do they take such small steps? You want to play in the dirt, dirty girl? Oh, no.
[actor gives high-pitched moans.]
I feel like typically, the rape is implied.
[Marianne yells.]
I mean, can guys even rape this long? I have no idea.
And I don't know why you'd ask me that question.
Well, you're a guy.
- Max, stop talking, she can see us.
- No, she can't.
The lights are in her eyes and we're in the dark.
- Good job.
- What are you doing? - I don't know.
She's looking at me.
- Say good job after the play.
- Don't thumbs up her rape.
- Honey, I'm not thumb-upping rape.
- Is this still happening? - Yes.
Don't look.
[audience cheers.]
[whistle blows.]
That's probably it.
You were both excellent in the show.
You should be on Broadway! Oh, thank you.
I'm Frank Langella.
I am also Frank Langella.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey! - [Sam.]
We loved it.
- We loved it! [Max.]
Amazing! You were so good.
Ethan, how did everything go with Anastasia? Great! It went great! - She's alive and well.
- Thank you! - Yeah.
- Oh, good.
Marianne, we have a half an hour to strike this set.
Oh, God.
Okay, I've got to go.
Thanks for coming.
Namaste.
See you guys later.
Hey, thank you for saving an otherwise horrible evening.
You are more than welcome, my lady.
- [Lisa.]
You're the best.
- [Nick.]
Any time.
- [Lisa.]
You're the best.
- [Nick.]
Any time.
I'm here.
Goodbye, you guys! - Goodbye, guys! - Bye! - I'm going to jump on the snack table.
- What have they got? Bird for three! - Oh, my God.
- Sorry, bros.
Super drunk right now.
Oh, honey.
Do I make a beautiful bride? Yes, as beautiful as our wedding day.
I did not have a very good first day.
I do not like Blackstool.
My phone.
There's so many things! It's not working.
[Ethan.]
I'll get it.
I'll plug it in for you.
[Lisa groans.]
I'm really sorry that I wasn't there for you today.
- That's okay.
Nick was.
- Oh, good.
I'm glad.
Marianne's apartment looks a lot bigger when it's spinning.
Let's get you out of these clothes.
I want to go to sleep now.
You're going to get cold.
There we go.
I love you.
I love you, too.
[sighs heavily.]
[door opens.]
Hey.
I thought you went to bed.
No.
Anastasia's acting really weird.
Weird how? I don't know, it's like she's another bunny.
She's acting really lethargic.
The vet gave her Vicodin.
Bunny Vicodin.
Yep.
And he said that might make her drowsy.
I wish he hadn't done that.
I hate big pharma.
Horrible.
- Thanks so much for taking care of her.
- You're welcome.
- You're a really good guy, Ethan.
- No.
- You're the best.
- I am not the best.
- You're the best.
- Literally the worst, so - Night.
- Night.
Good night, Anastasia.
- Anastasia.
- Anastasia.
[sighs.]
[message tone.]
[thunder claps.]