Friends with Benefits s01e02 Episode Script

All right, guys, what's my next move with Riley here? Because ever since we hooked up, I can't stop thinking about her.
Look, man, I don't know about you hooking up with somebody within our group.
Right, Ben? You'd never hook up with anybody within our group, would you? No way.
Of course not.
Okay.
Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba, ba, ba ba-ba-ba ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba-ba-ba ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba, ah ba-ba ba-ba, ba, ba, ba we're going down the job center and soon Salad? Wow.
Yeah.
Um Oh, did I misinterpret? Oh, no, no, no.
I-I-I should have been more specific on the phone.
So you're not here to? No.
No, no, no.
Oh, okay, so basically, I'm a naked guy holding cabbage over his junk.
Great.
It's actually radicchio.
Totes radicchio.
so here's the deal: There's this guy that I really like, right? His name is Matt, mm-hmm.
And we work together at the hospital Mm-hmm.
You know, I'm, I'm thinking that this is a clothing, clothing conversation.
Ooh, fancy.
Yeah.
Okay.
Ew.
Anyway, um He's an ob/gyn.
He's super-crazy handsome and nice.
- You know, like, really nice.
- Great.
He actually went to Haiti while the rest of us just watched it on the news.
Hey, I did my part, okay? I bought, like, three Wyclef Jean songs, so I think this guy might be boyfriend material.
- Wow.
- You know, he's, um Don't get offended But he's the complete opposite of you, you know? Uh, offended? Mm-mm, no.
See, I don't want to be anybody's boyfriend material.
And I definitely do not want to be an ob/gyn.
I just want that stuff to work, okay? I don't, I don't need to see the insides.
And the the beauty part is, he seems to like me back.
Dr.
Maxwell, I'd like to conference with you in the exam room stat.
Um, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna have full-on sex with this guy.
And I'm just worried that if our thing keeps going, I'm going to feel like a What's a good word for whore? Let's just go with whore.
So do you think it would be okay if we put our thing on hold? Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
So, you know, if, um, if our thing had a remote, then we'd be pushing the pause button.
- Pause.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- I like it.
Yeah, me, too.
It's actually perfect timing because Colleen is coming in from Sydney tonight.
- Colleen? - Yep.
The teasemanian devil? - No, she's not a tease.
- Oh.
She lets me go a little bit further each time she visits.
She is a tease.
She's a sexual mirage.
You run and jump in the water and get a mouthful of sand.
Well, not this time, okay? Because I'm going to dive in these waters.
I'm gonna drink until can we just talk normally for a second? Please.
I'm going to sleep with her.
I'll believe it when I see it.
I think that can be arranged.
Ugh! Come on and give me some pull me on my string till I'm strung you're the only one, you're the only one I can't get enough of your love no, I I can't get enough - Well, kids, I gotta start my shift.
- Oh, yeah, I should go, too.
I got a date with Colleen.
Wait.
Is she that "world music" enthusiast? What does she do now, like, the rain sticks? No.
Bagpipes.
And a little vuvuzela.
Ooh And I should go and meet Dr.
Matt.
And I have a date with destiny.
Uh, uh, listen, guys, will someone please explain to Aaron here what can happen when you hook up within the friendship circle? Yes, yes, Ben and Sara, please explain to me why that's wrong.
Norms are changing It's a modern world.
This economy is Babies having babies.
Look at her.
She probably hasn't stopped thinking about me since that night.
Vodka soda, Tom Collins, whiskey sour, two beers.
Vodka soda, Tom Collins, whiskey sour, two beers.
Hey, Ri, can I get a Vodka Martini up with olives? You bet.
She bets.
Huh! I bet she bets.
And now it's time to flash her the killer smile.
God, it's crowded tonight.
What is wrong with Aaron? Is he constipated? I've waited so long for this.
Well, I got good news for you because the wait is over.
Do you know what I feel like doing for you right now? - What? - Play.
Oh, I want to play, too.
What are you thinking? Doctor? Pizza guy? Naughty Uncle? No, I I want to play for you.
Wait here.
Okay.
So, what? With college, med school, residency, blah-blah-blah, I was the only one in my family who didn't get married, then pregnant.
Mm.
Or in the case of my cousin dionne, pregnant then married.
Then graduated high school.
Ah.
Well, my cousin got pregnant, then married, then arrested for burning down her high school.
You ever miss Louisiana? Sometimes.
Not now.
Ooh, I smell vanilla.
Mm, it's romantic, right? It, it's a scented plugin.
You know, I prefer incense, but I read somewhere that burning incense causes lung cancer.
Whew! That, that was incr Wow.
Amazing sex.
This guy has it all.
You know what? I'm going to check the sex again.
So, you ready for round two? You are dressed.
Yeah.
I gotta go.
Sorry.
Wait.
Um, um, are you sure? 'Cause I-I bought strawberries! Yeah, I got paperwork at home.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, me, too.
I-I have paperwork, too, 'cause, you know, I'm a doctor, too, so I'll see you around? Yo, yo, yo I made major inroads with Riley last night.
Major inroads.
Hey Riley.
I would like to explore, for want of a better word "Us.
" So what do you say you and me, away from the group, dinner, Club 9, tomorrow night? Absolutely! Nailed it.
Man, why can't you stop disrupting the delicate ecosystem of our social life, and just find yourself a nice girl that none of us know? You know what, like, like, here.
Ah.
"Mary Resnick, 41, promoted to city supervisor.
"Ms.
resnick is divorced, "and though this job will take time away from her boat, she's excited about the opportunity.
" Damn straight she's excited.
Now, this is a magnificent piece of ass.
She's a stranger.
Yeah, well, she has a boat! Have you ever had sex on a boat? I file that under "b" for "believe the hype.
" Okay, I'm at defcon two.
Maybe four.
Which is worse, if the numbers go up or down? I think one I don't care.
Listen, after sex, Matt went from being boyfriend material to mixed signals guy.
And I brought my "A" game.
I made witty banter, I slathered myself in "glow-tion," I got a bikini wax that was Mr.
T in the front and Mr.
clean in the back.
Okay, I have some ideas about this, but I'm not sure I should tell you.
Um, but you know what? Because we're friends, - and we've had sex, - Oh, my God.
I feel like I'm the only person who can tell you.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! What? I feel like your date maybe ended badly because - Oh, my God! - You're a little You're a little reserved.
- What? I'm I'm I'm reserved? - Yeah, yeah.
- What do you mean I'm reserved? - You know, like, sexually? Yeah, like I lay there like a corpse? No, no, not a corpse.
No.
Like a zombie? No, zombies are crazy.
Um, I'm sorry, just because I don't go on and on like a lunatic does not mean I'm reserved.
You know what your problem is? You watch too much porn.
Hey, you asked me, all right? An-and by the way, it's not all laughs over in Ben land either.
- Ben land? - Yeah, Ben land.
I'm in a fight to the death with the teasemanian devil.
What? What's that? Did you ? Are finished playing already? I 'Cause I could listen to you play all Wine? Would you like some wine? Oh.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- Hey.
- Oh, yeah? Since I'm gonna be here two nights, don't you think it'll be a little bore exciting if wve something for tomorrow night? You know, if you're asking my honest opinion no.
You're so funny.
Boop! Oh! I'm in physical pain.
I'm beyond blue down there it's, like navy.
Okay, don't tell any girl I told you this.
- No.
- Step one: - Come on strong.
- Done.
Ah but next pull back.
Plan a platonic date.
You know, like coffee or watch a documentary.
Something that says, "You know what? Kind of losing interest.
" And then, she'll be like, "Oh, my God.
What did I do wrong.
" and then, when you go in to kiss her, she'll be like, "Oh my God, he likes me again!" Boom, nail her.
Sara, that is genius.
So my plan is Scream, writhe, be horny as hell.
And you be unhorny as hell.
Love it.
See you on the other side.
Whatever.
.
Fitz, what shirt should I put on for This is awkward.
I know.
Uh Aaron, I'd like you to meet newly promoted city supervisor Mary Resnick.
Newly promoted city supervisor Mary Resnick, this is city resident Aaron Greenway.
Oh, hi.
It's so nice to meet you, Aaron.
Your friend Fitz here is quite the charmer.
Yes, he is.
Okay, uh, congratulations.
Oh, thanks.
I'm very excited to get to work.
I think there's a lot we can accomplish in this city.
Sí, se puede.
We don't have this in Australia.
I mean, we have pottery, and we have paint, but we never combined them.
Well, you know, we are America.
We're known for our combining.
Peanut butter and jelly, Mac and cheese, rappers and strippers.
You're adorable.
I got to work on my soap dish.
Just want to get that finished.
Hey, big guy.
Look at us Seeing each other around.
So funny, huh? What are the chances? Look, Sara, about the other night, I Oh.
I loved that night.
God, did I love that night.
I mean, passionately.
Wow.
Fantastic.
Great, because I thought maybe it was Awesome? Totally.
You know what? I want to buy you a drink after work.
And me a drink.
I love to drink.
I love what it does to me.
You know, it really just opens me up.
Okay.
Okay.
All alone, waiting for her man.
Me? I'm the man.
Hey.
You're finally here.
Sorry I'm late.
Aaron, you're here, too! That is wonderful.
Is that passion fruit I'm smelling? Or maybe I just smell passion in everything.
I don't know.
You haven't given me a glass yet.
That is hilarious.
You are so funny.
Mmm.
You taste good.
Keep it together, buddy.
You're almost there.
Do not show interest.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Is everything okay? Have I done something wrong? All right! There it is the self-doubt.
Right on schedule.
I'm going in.
Cover me.
What? - You know what? - What? I'm just going to go powder my nose, okay? Okay.
Boop! Oh, so I've got this great idea for the next time I'm in Chicago.
Next time? Oh, my God.
Oh.
Give me a second.
"Intense message.
" Yep.
Oops.
Listen, lady, I don't know what you think we're doing here, but, um, uh, this is a hookup, okay? We should be hooking up.
I'm sitting out here pretending to be hard to get, you know, and you're playing some kind of mind games with me.
So, if you're not here to hook up, please stop wasting my time.
I was going to say, next time I'm in Chicago, you should come to my concert and we'll get a hotel room after, but for now, we should just have crazy sex.
Is that Is that still on the table? Geez! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! What is the matter with you? No! - Wait? Where are you going? - Are you insane? It sounds like someone is stabbing you to death.
Oh.
I was being passionate.
I thought that's what you wanted.
In what universe would you think I wanted that? Um, well, because of the other night.
Um, after we had sex, you said, "I'll see you around.
" I thought it was because you think I'm a zombie.
No.
If anything, I think you're a zombie now 'cause zombies are crazy.
Corpse.
I meant corpse.
I always get that wrong.
Whoa, Sara, Sara, stop stop this.
- This isn't your fault.
- What? I left the other night because I was freaked out.
Not by you, but about dating in general.
You're the first person I've slept with besides my wife in 15 years.
Thank God it's not my fault.
I mean I'm sorry.
Oh.
You poor thing.
Ooh.
Oh.
Don't worry about this, then.
- This was all an act.
- What? I was putting on an act for you so that you would think I was passionate.
My friend Ben says I'm reserved in bed.
Thank God we cleared this up.
Wait.
How does your friend Ben know how you are in bed? Um Yes, how does he know that? Great question.
Good catch.
Um, because I slept with him before.
But we're on pause now, so Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
Do you have a boyfriend? No! No, no, no, no, no.
No, he's he's just a friend.
Who you sleep with.
No, I'm thinking, um, this is a good time to stop talking.
Let's just get back in bed and - Can I have that? - Excuse me? Can we just be friends who sleep together? Of course not.
Why does he get to do it? Because he is just a friend of mine.
You're on the relationship track, buddy.
I mean, we flirted and went to dinner.
This is boyfriend- girlfriend stuff.
You're in.
Actually, I'm out.
What? Um, wait, wait, wait.
Um, just tell me is is it because of the zombie stuff or because I'm sleeping with someone? - See you around.
- No, no, no.
I will see you around.
If anybody's going to see anybody around, it's me.
Okay.
That's right.
Okay.
And vodka.
Riley.
Uh, I don't really know how to tell you this, but this is not a very good date.
Why? Do you think Paul's having a bad time? No.
I am.
I thought that you and I were going to go out together Just us.
I thought I thought you said "group dinner.
" Hey, Riley.
Wow.
Busy night.
Yeah.
Group dinner tomorrow at club 9.
Absolutely.
Oh, my God, that's awful.
Wow, this must be really uncomfortable for you right now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Listen, okay, I understand that I'm supposed to, like, be Mr.
Cool and not care about this sort of stuff, but I already liked you as a friend, okay? And I haven't exactly slept with a lot of women, but it seemed to me like we had really good sex.
We did.
Yes.
Okay.
Then, let's be together.
Let's do this.
Oh, Aaron, come on.
Okay, yes, we hooked up, but are you in love with me? Okay, because if you are, then you should know what you're getting yourself into.
Okay, like, I don't check my voice mails, ever.
I have a zillion parking tickets.
And I'm messy really messy.
Rats in the garbage messy.
And I'm not domestic.
I have no idea how to cook.
And guys hit on me all the time.
All the time.
And I sleep with them.
I'm a closer.
Is that what you really want? Look who finally made it.
Aaron, this is my sister Lia.
Hi, Lia.
I'm Aaron.
A pleasure.
So, tonight was a bust.
You know, I'm thinking, in addition to a pause button on our remote, we might want to think about adding a mute button.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
You know, there was a lot of instructions kind of going back and forth that were Counterproductive? - Ooh.
Good word.
- Hey.
Is it possible our thing is getting in the way of us finding other people? People we were maybe supposed to be with? Nah.
- That's so dumb.
- No way.
Oh, dude.
You didn't throw out the radicchio? No, I I rinsed it.
I I think I rinsed it.
I didn't I didn't rinse that.
You should probably put it Yeah, sorry.
It's gross.
Thank you for handling my parking tickets.
Oh, no problem.
But the person you should be thanking is city supervisor Mary Resnick.
Oh.
Hey, Mary! Uh, we're over here.
Hi.
Have you been using my name to fix people's tickets? Yes, baby, I have.
Don't ever call me again.
Oh, and stop spending the night on my boat.
That chick gonna be mayor someday.
You just watch.