Friends with Better Lives (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

1 I have good news for the women of Los Angeles.
Dr.
Will Stokes Back on the market.
I thought I heard rain.
But it must've been the sound of panties dropping.
It's been four months to the day since I signed my divorce papers, and I have decided to dive back in.
- Awesome! - Good for you.
- Congratulations.
I feel like I've aged in my oak barrel long enough.
I think it's time to uncork this bottle of will.
"Bottle of will.
" Uh-huh.
When was the last time you asked a woman out on a date? Uh, 1998.
Okay, well, I don't foresee any problems.
Actually, Kate, we were quite the dating duo in college.
They used to call us Pippen and Jordan.
No, we were more like, uh, Kobe and Shaq.
Yeah, okay, I get it.
You were two overgrown men who liked to play with your balls.
Look, you're gonna need some help, so we'll go to a bar together.
I'll help you talk to girls.
I don't need your help.
You do, and lucky for you, I've got some free time.
I'm gonna make you my next project.
Kate, I can meet women on my own.
I'm a 35-year-old single doctor.
I mean, women will-will come to me like moths to a doctor.
I think this ends with you crying in the shower while masturbating.
Okay, pepperoni pizza for everyone.
All right.
Except for Jules and Lowell, who get meat-free, cheese-free, fun-free soy lover's pizza.
Ah, thank you.
Why don't you just eat the box? Well, I'm just gonna grab a drink.
Let me smell your meat.
Jules, please.
My wife is sitting three feet away.
That's me.
Jules, why don't you just have a slice? Because Lowell and I are vegetarians.
I just like the smell of meat.
Oh, my God You weren't a vegetarian before you met Lowell.
You know, you always do this.
Do what? Turn into your boyfriend.
Oh, that is ridiculous.
Name one time that I did that.
Uh, when you dated that Canadian and started saying "aboot.
" Or when you dated the British guy - and you started a soccer riot.
- Uh-huh.
Or when you dated that pothead and all you did was eat hot pockets and not follow conversations.
Okay, so-so I'm open to learning new things.
Lowell is turning me on to a healthier lifestyle - and I like that.
- Babe, look, kombucha for two.
What exactly is kombucha? Uh, it's just a tea made with a symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast that grows a delicious drinkable fungus.
Oh, my God, it started.
I can smell everything.
That pizza smells gross.
That diarrhea you're drinking smells gross.
And, Bobby, you smell really, really gross.
No, he doesn't.
He smells like cinnamon.
Oh, boy.
It's back.
What's back? The super smell phase.
Her pregnancy hormones have kicked in.
Now she can smell everything.
Which one of you dudes went to a strip club today? I like looking at dongs.
I see you're checking out the uniekaas robusto.
What? It's an aged goat cheese with a nutty flavor.
Pairs nicely with a pinot noir.
Do you work here? No, I'm just a lover of cheese.
And women.
Can I start over? - Hi.
- Hi.
Allow me to begin by saying I'm a fellow shopper and a bit of a foodie.
Might I recommend the chabichou? It's a creamy natural-rind cheese that pairs beautifully with a chenin blanc.
Why are you telling me this? I'm a doctor.
Why are you telling me this, doctor? Why is it so hard to meet people? Hi, I'm a wealthy doctor.
Well, not-not wealthy.
I mean, comfortable.
Yeah.
My wife left me so I'm-I'm staying with some friends, which is really what I need right now.
You know, I'm I'm healing.
Bottom line, I am looking to meet a nice girl in the cheese section.
Sometimes I talk too much when I'm nervous.
Like now.
And now.
And just then.
So I said to my assistant, if you're gonna have a C-section, have it on the weekend, you know what I mean? Thank you.
You, uh you want a bite? I won't tell anyone.
I really shouldn't.
- Maybe just a little one.
- Yeah.
Just Yeah.
That is so freakin' good.
Mm-hmm.
- Well, you can have another bite if you w oh.
- Mmm.
I think that burger might be enjoying this as much as you are.
Maybe more.
Anybody want to order food from Poquito Mas? Hey, uh, my restaurant's still open.
Anybody want to order food from Poquito Mas? I'm not hungry because I ate a big giant salad.
Sunflower seeds and garbanzo beans and super yummy alfalfa sprouts You're overcorrecting.
Shut it down.
I'm good.
So, uh, Kate, I was thinking maybe you and I could, uh, go to a bar this weekend.
You know, just for fun.
Hmm.
Interesting.
What? I thought Dr.
Stokes had it covered.
Thought he was gonna uncork himself all over the ladies of Los Angeles.
That is all in process.
I just thought, in the meantime, it would be fun to hang with one of my closest friends.
And, yet, what I'm hearing is, "Please, please, please help me.
I'm a loser.
" All right, look, maybe I could use a wingman, all right? I mean, Red here used to be my wingman but he's out of the game and even when he was in the game, he didn't have much game.
What are you talking about? I used to do my magic tricks for chicks at bars.
They loved it.
What's that behind your ear? Oh, it's my phone number.
Wow.
And you're married.
Okay, you know what? Congratulations you're officially my project.
Never wear that shirt again.
This shirt is very this season.
You look like the end of a roll of scotch tape.
Okay, I smell bacon.
And not just bacon but a bacon cheeseburger, possibly a double.
Ugh! Which one of you had a big, gross bacon cheeseburger? Okay, one of you did.
Oh, no.
I was wrong.
No burger here.
It couldn't have been Jules.
Uh, she's a vegetarian.
Right, Jules? Okay, it was me! I ate a burger.
With bacon.
And I loved it.
All right, I don't want to make a scene But my world has just been rocked.
I am sorry.
I love meat.
I love it so freakin' hard.
It's not that you ate the meat.
It's that you lied.
You're right.
I'm really sorry.
I receive that.
Okay.
From now on, let's just be completely honest with each other.
Absolutely.
Oh, it's our first fight.
I know.
It was touch and go there for a while, but we made it through, baby.
Bobby.
- Bobby, come here.
- What's up? I have entered a new phase.
What is it? The super horny "I want you to do me right now" phase.
That is new.
I like it.
So, get rid of everyone, meet me upstairs, I'll get started? Yeah, but how you gonna get started with Oh Yes.
Okay.
Everyone get the hell out.
Now.
Let's go.
Okay, a woman decides if she wants to sleep with you in the first five seconds.
Whatever you say in that first moment clinches the deal.
I'll lead, you follow.
See her? Catch her beer.
Oh, my gosh.
Thanks.
Thank you.
For what? For Uh, being alone in a bar.
Have you ever been married? I've been married.
Um, I'm gonna go find my friends.
I thought you were alone.
I am.
Wow.
That was like watching a gazelle eat a lion.
Don't blame me, okay? You freaked me out with the whole first five seconds thing.
Okay, okay, I'll start the conversation this time.
Let's try again with fake boobs over here, okay? Hopefully, her low self-esteem will cloud her judgment.
Hey, love your shoes.
Oh, thanks! This is my friend, Will.
He's a doctor.
Really? That's cool.
It is cool.
Uh, this one time in med school, my, uh, my buddies and I we took a liver from a cadaver, and we and we threw it off the roof.
It was That's disgusting.
How can I be so bad at this? Uh, well, you got married young, you never really dated as an adult, and I've seen your high school yearbook.
Nobody was touching you then.
Kate, I'm all up in my head! Okay, new strategy.
You say as little as possible, I'll get you laid.
I like it.
That-that makes a lot of Too much.
Hi.
I'm Kate.
You're obviously the hottest girl in here, and my friend Will is pretty much the cutest guy, so I figured I'd introduce you two.
I'm Jess.
Speak.
Speak now.
I am Will.
I hail from Three beers.
Go.
He's a man of few words, but check out that ass.
It's like those butt cheeks are storing nuts for the winter.
You didn't have to sell me on him.
I knew in the first five seconds.
I like you.
You remind me of myself.
Except you have those amazing eyes.
You suddenly seem smarter to me.
Okay, I'm going to go to the ladies room.
Man of few words.
So So You're shy.
Shy.
That's sweet.
And your friend's great, stepping up for you like that.
Friend.
This might be the tequila talking, but should we just get out of here? Great.
Get your friend.
Uh why? Because I'm into both of you.
Pardon? I want to have sex with both of you.
Yeah, I don't I don't think that's gonna Okay, then, the three of us.
Sounds good.
Sounds like a plan.
Hi.
Whoa.
Oh, my God.
How did you strike out again? I set you up perfectly.
What, do I need to take her clothes off for you, too? Uh, I didn't strike out, actually.
She wants me to go home with her.
Oh, great.
Good-bye.
Uncork.
Uh, uh, no, no, not Not-not good-bye, uh, because Because you drove me here.
And we can't let Jess drive because she's already had a few.
And I'm pretty sure she wants to have two more.
Oh.
Fine.
I am such a good friend.
It's like there's nothing I won't do.
That's what I'm hoping.
Oh, my God.
That was amazing.
I feel like I could sleep for 12 hours.
What do you mean, go to sleep? I want to do it again.
But didn't you just have a massive? Yeah! Why would I want to stop? Well, honey, it's just, it's been a couple of nights of this marathon sex, and I, uh I need a breather.
Or an ice pack.
You'll stop when I tell you to stop.
I know you're a man of few words, but don't worry.
Tonight, you won't be using your mouth for talking.
That makes me want to raise my eyebrow like this.
Thanks for letting me use your bathroom.
Stay.
What? Why? Look, the truth is, on my own, I struck out non-stop.
Okay, clearly, you're my good luck charm.
My rabbit's foot.
And I honestly think for this to happen, we're gonna have to rub your fur a little bit.
Please? Well, I don't like leaving projects unfinished.
Great! I'm gonna go get some wine.
Hey.
Hey.
So, um, just so you know, Will's a little nervous.
So I hope you don't think it's too forward, but I think you should make the first move.
My pleasure.
Great.
So, just make it happen Be right back.
We have a problem.
Turns out, I am too good at this.
She doesn't want you, she wants me! She just kissed me! Yeah, about that.
Uh, she's looking for a two-fer.
I don't And you knew?! That's the whole reason you got me to come back here, isn't it?! Come on, Kate, I'm asking you for one little favor.
Remember the time I drove you to the airport? How is this the same? It was rush hour.
You can not seriously expect me to do this.
I'm just asking you to play along for a little bit.
A little ear nibbling, a little under-the-shirt, over-the-bra.
PG-13.
And then, you go to the bathroom or whatever, and then, 20 minutes, I'm done, dressed and ready to go.
What a lucky girl.
Forget it.
I've only ever slept with Val! What?! I've only slept with one person my entire life, okay? How is that even possible? We met when I was 19.
Got engaged at 21, and got divorced four months ago.
Oh, my God, yes, this is all starting to make sense.
The-the lack of game, the pathetic blend of awkwardness and urgency.
You're an almost-virgin.
I am.
Okay, I am that.
So, please, help little Will make a second friend.
Fine.
I'll do it.
- You will?! - I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes.
It's an important step for you.
And, you know, it can't be any worse than that time I accidentally had sex with my cousin.
Awesome! That's the attitude I'm looking for! But my clothes stay on.
Also, I'm upstairs, you're downstairs, and never the twain shall meet.
She's not gonna be focusing on you anyway.
What? Why? 'Cause, obviously, you're the appetizer, I'm the entree.
Okay.
The appetizer.
Oh Oh, my God, I'm having a real orgasm.
Wow! Good night.
You just faked an orgasm.
What? Yeah.
Those are the sounds of my passion.
And I am hurt and offended that you would mock them.
I've been with you for ten years.
I've never once heard you make that noise.
What kind of a man fakes an orgasm? A man who's tired.
Who's been wrung dry.
I just can't do it anymore.
Oh.
It's okay, I get it.
I'm not, you know, that appealing in my current state.
What are you talking about? I understand why you wouldn't want to have sex with me.
I'm like a big, giant pregnant woman.
One of my boobs is bigger than your head.
Honey, you are absolutely gorgeous.
No, I'm not.
I'm huge.
I look like a sea lion with lipstick.
Andi, every time you smile at me, I have to pinch myself that you chose me.
- Really? - Yes.
I just can't have sex a million times in three days.
I literally have nothing left.
I tried to cry in the middle, and no tears came out.
Do you want to maybe I don't know cuddle or something? Nothing would make me happier.
Okay.
You know what? I'm gonna go sit on the dryer.
Excuse me.
Can I ask you a question? Which one of us were you attracted to initially? Like, if we were a meal, which one of us would you eat first? I don't know.
There is something about the sensual softness of a woman.
Oh.
Okay.
Ha, ha.
Excuse me? Excuse me? Yeah, uh, softness is-is one thing, but-but feel these abs, huh? How'd you like to crack open this six pack? I have great boobs.
- I have an ass of steel.
- I'm bendy.
I will do some seriously messed-up stuff.
I have no self-respect.
I have the penis.
Touchdown! Wow.
The sexual tension between you guys is amazing.
I'd really like to see you two kiss.
- Yeah, we're out.
- That just ruined it.
Okay.
I've had 24 hours.
I'm replenished, refreshed and ready to go.
I don't think that's gonna happen.
I've, uh I've entered a new phase.
But the fact that you still want me it makes me feel very good about myself.
I love you.
- I'm gonna fart.
- Okay.