Fun at the Funeral Parlour (2001) s01e02 Episode Script
The Jaws Of Doom
1 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Well, what do you want? (SHUSHING) (IN IRISH ACCENT) "From the eternal sea he rises, creating armies on either shore.
"Turning man against his brother until man exists no more.
" The Book of Revelations predicted it all.
What are you talking about, man? He's already murdered a nanny and he'll kill again! He'll bring about destruction and tyranny.
With your wealth and power, he will seek to establish a counterfeit kingdom here on Earth, receiving his power directly from Satan.
- Who will? - Your son, Mr Ambassador.
He's the Antichrist.
But I don't have any children, and I'm not an ambassador.
No, I'm a Jell-o manufacturer from Ohio.
I'm here to make a deal with Bird's Instant Whip.
Now, you've been following me for days and I don't understand why.
- Jell-o, you say.
- Yes, Jell-o.
- And you're sure you don't have a demon child? - Yes.
Now what's this all about? Forgive me.
I've made a blundering boob.
Forget everything I've said.
I must meet my destiny.
So long.
(STAMMERING) Wait.
(EXCLAIMING) (YELLING) Thank Christ for that.
I thought I was a dead man.
Luck of the Irish.
(PANTING) (GROWLING) (BARKING) No! No! No! No! Get off me.
No! (SNARLING) Oh, dear.
Arwell? Gwynne, there's something we need to talk about! (SOFTLY) Arwell.
Gwynne.
ARWELL: There's been a murder.
(SCREAMING) And there's gonna be another bugger in a minute! Oh, Jesus, Arwell, don't you ever do that again! Oh.
Oh, dear God, I think I've just fallen through.
What were you doing out there? Why didn't you answer me? What do you mean there's been a murder? - Do you want me to answer all those questions? - Aye, and quick.
No, no, no, forget the first two.
Just answer the third one.
- Just the third one? - Yeah.
- Right, what was that then? - Oh, I don't know.
Was it the one about - What was the question again? - Oh, I can't remember.
Look, look, just answer the second, bugger.
What was that one? - Oh, oh, bollocks! Start again! - Right.
- Da, there's been a murder.
- That's the one, bingo.
Someone's ripped up Father Titmus.
It happened outside St Barney's.
The police say the man who killed him is an escaped looney tune from the Russ Abbot Madhouse.
We're not to approach him.
Brilliant! Oh, yes! Thank you, God! This is just the luck we need.
You can't say things like that, Da.
This is serious.
Arwell, we're funeral directors.
Death means funerals, and funerals mean business.
And at the moment, we haven't got a pot to piss in.
So I welcome any mass murderer with open arms.
Furthermore, I hope he kills someone else quick.
'Cause if not, Grattan's will be knocking on our door repossessing all our nice coats.
- Is it that bad? - Bad? It's worse.
Well, I've been looking for some gear to sell at the car boot sale this weekend.
I thought we could make a few bob that way.
- Oh, aye? What have you found? - Nothing.
Great.
I could sell my David Hasselhoff album containing his greatest hit.
No, no, no, no, don't sell that.
Hold on to it.
He'll die one day, it'll be worth something.
I mean, look what happened to my Pepsi and Shirlie collection after they copped it.
- But neither of them have died.
- I know that, but everyone thought they did.
Good luck, Pablo.
Thank you, Percy.
I'll never forget you.
Free! Free at last.
Thank Zardoz! (PANTING) (MOANING) (SNARLING) (PABLO SCREAMING) I thought your mother had taken her stuff with her.
(CLATTERING) What in the name of Derek Griffiths was that? It came from the kitchen.
- Go have a look.
- Sod that.
It might be that mad murderer.
Well, you'll be all right, you're a big bloke.
You're joking.
The man's a psycho.
You'd have to be a cretin and a fool to confront him.
Yeah, you're right.
Gwynne, go have a look.
Okay.
That's not fair.
We should all go.
We've got more chance.
Yeah, okay.
Come on.
(ALL SCREAMING) I'm back, and this time it's for good.
- Mr Thomas? - Yes? PC Hertz.
Yes, I know.
Your son has escaped from prison again.
Now, I've a warrant to search these premises.
I haven't seen Percy since he went away.
The prison warden reckons he escaped through the sewers.
Percy is the least of your problems.
There's a mad murderer about.
- Shouldn't you be looking for him? - Oh.
It's no mad murderer, Mr Thomas.
It's a wolf.
Big dog, eh? Perhaps Digby did it.
Look, I have a vacant sense of humour, young man.
And if that was intended as a joke, it was lost on me.
Now, there's a meeting in the town hall in the morning to discuss the situation.
A meeting? What for? You're not gonna cancel the car boot sale, are you? We'll see.
Well, good night, sir.
And beware the moon.
(HOWLING) Go on, get in there.
(YAWNS) - Iechyd da.
- Iechyd da.
What in the name of the Academy Award winning Louis Gossett Jr are you up to? And who's your furry chum? This is Lisa, and we are gonna catch the wolf.
- Why? - Well, think.
If we caught this beast, trained it up and kept it here as our pet, we'd have our very own killing machine.
When nobody's kicking buckets, like now, we just sent out the wolf and bosh.
Armageddon in the valleys, money in our pockets.
That's a fantastic idea, Perce.
- How's it work? - Well, this is my decoy.
And she happens to be the perfect replica of a female wolf.
Oh.
- What does she do? - I'll explain.
Now come here.
- Pay attention, 007.
- Aye.
Right.
What is it that all dogs want to do with each other? Run.
Yes, but what else do they really wanna do with each other? What else? Bark! No, but what do they really, really, really want to do with each other? - Ah, tango! - Sniff.
- Sniff? - Each other's parts.
Oh, sniff each other's parts.
Oh, aye.
Yeah.
- Comprende? - SÃ, sÃ, comprende.
Right.
Well, the parts of my beast are special.
Why's that then? Well, all dogs are randy and constantly ready to cop a member of the opposite sex.
So, if I leave the lovely Lisa here in the field, that nasty wolf is gonna see her and wanna give her one, right? But he's gonna be in for a shock when he tries.
- Why is that, then? - Put your fingers up there and you'll see.
You, what? I'm not putting my hand up her Calcutta.
Go on, it's not real.
Just put your fingers up there.
Da! (WHIRRING) (SCREAMING) - So that's where the blender got to! - Hey, am I the bollocks or what? Aren't you forgetting one thing? What if the killer wolf turns out to be a female? Then the plan's knackered and I've wasted 50 bob on this piece of shite.
Look, it's almost time for this meeting.
- Ah, right.
- You can't come.
You're supposed to be on the run.
Twat boy's got a point.
What can I do to disguise myself? Hang on, I've got the very thing.
There.
They won't know you from Adam.
- Iechyd da.
- ALL: Iechyd da.
Who's that? Da, who's that girl over there? That's Sian Bennett.
She's the Bennetts' daughter.
Who are the Bennetts? Well, you see those two men sitting either side of her? - Aye.
- They're the Bennetts.
And they're dirty rotten scoundrels.
They've opened a new funeral parlour about a mile up the road from us.
And ever since they came, our business has halved.
Which one's her father? Well, both of them, kind of.
They were Siamese twins joined at the satchels, recently separated.
- The bloody freaks.
- Really? Yeah, Sian works in the funeral parlour with them.
Oh, I like her.
Percy, she's bad news.
I don't want you winkling her.
Okay, everyone, sit down.
Oh, you are.
Right.
We all know why we're here.
There's a wolf out there, and it's attacking people without remorse.
And it has got to be stopped before it kills me, my wife and our two little otters, Simian and Bob.
As you know, there is a bounty on this terror dog of almost £3,000.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Right.
Now I'll hand you over to the constable in charge, Constable Hertz.
And after that, there will be cheap refreshments and weak entertainment in the back room.
- Hertz.
- Right.
We have discussed in great detail how to deal with this problem.
Firstly, we're gonna put lookouts in all the fields.
Are you gonna cancel the boot sale? We're also gonna hire an expert from the canine institute in Cardiff to help us find the beast.
Constable Hertz, are you gonna cancel the boot sale? Yes.
Yes, we are.
(ALL YELLING) (SCREECHING) You all know me.
(ALL MURMURING) WOMAN: I don't know.
Do you know? You all know my vocation.
I'll catch this wolf for you.
But I value my nads at much more than 3,000 bucks.
I'll find him for three, but I'll snatch him and gut him for 10.
ALL: Ten thousand grand! For that you get the head, tail, teeth, eyes, skull, ribs, feet, balls, diaphragm.
# Yeah Whole damn thing.
Okay.
Thank you, Mr, uh Quimby.
I don't want no help.
I'll go alone.
There are too many trailer-park trash wannabe dog-catchers in this town.
Just give me the money and I'll do it.
Solo.
Come on, Doug.
Okay, everyone.
Meeting's over.
You can go and do your business.
(ALL CHATTERING) Look out, here comes trouble.
Hello, Ivor, how's business? Fine.
And yours? Oh, couldn't be better.
Our chapel of rest is simply stuffed with bodies.
We've got more meat than Bejam's in our freezers, thanks to that wolf.
Sent down from the heavens.
Yeah, but what happens if this Quimby fellow kills it? - You'll be finished then.
- Don't be daft.
Quimby's a piss artist and a pikey.
He couldn't catch a fart.
No, that wolf will keep us in business for a long time yet.
I'm sure of it.
Siamese twits.
Listen, we got to stop that Quimby from catching the wolf.
Yeah, oh, aye.
How are we gonna do it, then? Oh, look! I got a bulbous Thomas.
You know what that means? I got a great idea.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no, no.
# Send the crazy old fellow Damn miserable little son of a bitch.
What do you mean you ain't coming, eh? # Oh, send the crazy old fellow What do you want? I'm here to help you catch the wolf.
I don't need no help.
Actually, the mayor sent us.
As he's paying all this money to find the beast, he's asked us to keep an eye on you.
Oh, yes.
And who are you? Percy Thomas, Chief of Police.
And that is Arwell, dog expert.
He has two A levels and one degree in dog, and currently works for the RSPCD.
He's here to make sure the dog is killed nicely.
And what's that stupid-looking mongrel? PERCY: That? Oh, that's Gwynne.
He has no purpose.
Not him.
The puppet! PERCY: That's not a puppet.
That is a state-of-the-art animatronic wolf made by the Jim Henson Creature Workshop in Fraggle Rock.
- Fraggle Rock? - Worthing.
Very well.
To be honest, I could do with a few new pairs of hands.
I've just discovered that my trusty friend Doug has only seconds to live.
(BLOWING) Weak heart, poor soul.
Right, everyone aboard Oh.
(SLURPING) Let me make one thing clear.
I am the captain and you are the cabin boys.
- Agreed? - Agreed.
Right.
Put your gloves on.
(MUTTERING) - Trap set? - Aye, Captain.
- Bait in? - All right, Gwynne? Fine and dandy, cheers.
Good.
Now all we have to do is wait.
Christ, I'm bored.
Patience is a virtue, Percy.
We wait.
You're right.
It is boring.
Have any of you got any dirty books? - No, I have not.
- Percy? - Of course I have.
- Go get them then.
- Right.
- Psst.
- Have you got any with sexy puppets? - Aye.
You better put your gloves on then.
Right.
IVOR: Attach part A to attachments.
Make an insert into area six and join sides E and F into a rhombus.
What the bloody hell is a rhombus? Oh, I can't understand this at all.
It's impossible.
Oh, I know.
I'll try it in German.
(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Attach part A to attachment C.
Oh, Japanese.
Spanish.
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Attach part A to attachment C.
(IN JAPANESE ACCENT) Join part A (IN AMERICAN ACCENT)to attachment C.
PERCY: So, how long you been a wolf hunter? All my life.
I've been all over the world hunting wolves, yeah.
Got the scars to prove it.
Look.
One day, there was this wolf the size of a mountain bike.
And he gets ahold of my leg and won't let go, and I'm a-kicking him and a-pounding his eyes with my fists.
But that wolf had locked his jaw.
And when a wolf does that, why, you're finished.
Unless, of course, you know the trick.
What trick's that then? You stick your fingers up his ass.
And unfortunately for the wolf, it was my string-plucking hand.
And with a yelp, he let go and ran off squealing like a pig.
And what about that one on your neck? Oh, my wife went mad and slit my throat here.
She had an obsession with collecting Adam's apples.
And one day she tried to steal mine.
(SNARLING) And the one on your head.
Another bite? No, a cyst.
Took it out myself.
- No way.
- Yeah.
AIII had was a bottle of vodka, yeah, some special left-handed scissors, some Savlon.
Oh.
And a pot of K-Y Jelly.
But that was for something different.
Yeah.
ARWELL: # Show me the way to go home I'm tired and I want to go to bed I I I'm I (ALL EXCLAIMING) Put your gloves on, boys.
We got company.
It's a wolf, look.
It's headed towards my trap.
Come on, let's go.
We mustn't lose that bastard wolf.
Okay, this is as far as we can drive.
We have to go the rest of the way on foot.
(WHIRRING) - What was that? - My trap.
I knew it would work.
Come on.
Forgot my gloves.
Ready.
Like a lion.
- One, two, three! - One, two, three! (GROANING) Mr Mayor.
You won't tell my wife, will you? (MOANS) - Gwynne! - Gwynne! What's happened to him? Oh, the silly bugger's got himself eaten.
That's it! This time it's personal.
Right.
Let's kill him! But first, I'm dying for a number two.
It'll take about a minute.
And I'd better put my gloves on.
- Poor Gwynne.
- Aye.
PERCY: He's Pedigree Chum now.
Anyway, at least he's gone to a better place.
If a wolf's stomach's a better place, I don't know.
Come on.
Holy hell! Quimby! Behind you! Wolf! Run! Come on, you old bastard, run! Faster, faster! Come on! Don't look behind you, run quickly! (EXCLAIMING) Get back! (WOLF GROWLING) He's got the hems of my trousers! He's got the hems of my trousers! He's got me.
He's got me! - Help him! - I can't.
Look, he's bitten his own tongue.
He's as good as dead.
Oh, well.
At least he died with his gloves on.
- Right, that's it! - Where are you going? I'm going home.
I've had enough.
It was a silly idea in the first place! Don't be a novice.
Too many people have died.
I can't take any more.
All right, then, I'll do it on my own.
You great big wet chicken.
You great, big, wet, Huggies-wearing, diapered chicken.
You Oh, well.
If you get home in time for Top of the Pops 2, set the tape.
It's a Then Jerico special.
Right.
Let's kill this wolf.
Come on.
Come on! Come on! All right, there you go, mister.
- Thank you.
- It's all right.
We get a lot of problems with this particular model.
The last fellow who called me out to assemble one of these was a funeral director just like you.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
That was about six weeks ago.
I remember 'cause he had this (GROWLING) This dirty, great wolf.
Yeah.
With a metal muzzle.
Nasty thing, it was.
Hang on.
That wouldn't have been the Bennetts' place, would it? About a mile up the road? Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
Anyway, thank you for the tea.
- I haven't given you any.
- Never mind.
God will make you pay, in one way or another.
Good day.
Arwell, come on.
We're going out.
What is it? I'll explain on the way.
Come on.
(GROANS) I told you so.
Fetch that.
Fetch! Come on, come on.
Smile, you son of a bitch.
We're rich.
Thanks to that wolf, we're gonna be the biggest funeral directors in Wales.
Today, Swansea.
Tomorrow, Swanage.
Then the world.
And with any luck, Roger is feasting on those Thomas brothers as we speak.
(IVOR GROANING) There he goes again.
Bugger off! Where was I? Oh, Ivor Thomas.
What can I do for you? A cup of tea? Coffee? Don't come the innocent with me, Bennetts.
- I'm onto you.
- And what exactly are you onto? I know why you've been having so much business lately.
That wolf is yours, isn't it? That's why you've been making so much money.
You've been training it to eat people.
Oh, shut up your face, Ivor, and face facts.
- What facts? - You're finished.
You have no business, no bodies and no money.
Gwynne is dead and, with a little luck, so is Percy.
Oh, no, I'm not and neither is Gwynne.
Oh, and look.
It's the reward.
Yes, a cheque made payable for £3,000 to Percy Thomas, me.
We are back in business.
You killed Roger the wolf? No, not exactly, you see.
As I held the gun, I looked into his eyes, and he looked into mine.
And I don't know what it was but we fell in love.
And that's why I told him about you two Siamese twats, you see.
Anyway, that's why I got him to pose dead in a photograph and hey presto, reward in my pocket.
What do you mean Gwynne is still alive? Where is Gwynne? How can you talk to animals? You want me to answer all those questions? Yes, and quick! Actually, forget the first two.
Just answer the third one.
- Just the third one? - Yes.
- What was that then? - The one about you talking to dogs! No, no, that was the second.
No, no, no, no, that was the third one.
The second was No, hang on a minute.
- That was the first one.
Yeah.
- The first.
Never mind all that rubbish.
Where's the wolf now? Roger? Oh, he's just behind me.
Roger! Roger.
Oh, well.
I guess his work here must be done.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on (GUN FIRES) What in the name of Michelle Pfeiffer was that? I done it.
I shooted the wolf all by myself.
So if you want to join me for a while Just grab your hat, come travel light That's hobo style Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home So if you want to join me for a while Just grab your hat, come travel light That's hobo style
"Turning man against his brother until man exists no more.
" The Book of Revelations predicted it all.
What are you talking about, man? He's already murdered a nanny and he'll kill again! He'll bring about destruction and tyranny.
With your wealth and power, he will seek to establish a counterfeit kingdom here on Earth, receiving his power directly from Satan.
- Who will? - Your son, Mr Ambassador.
He's the Antichrist.
But I don't have any children, and I'm not an ambassador.
No, I'm a Jell-o manufacturer from Ohio.
I'm here to make a deal with Bird's Instant Whip.
Now, you've been following me for days and I don't understand why.
- Jell-o, you say.
- Yes, Jell-o.
- And you're sure you don't have a demon child? - Yes.
Now what's this all about? Forgive me.
I've made a blundering boob.
Forget everything I've said.
I must meet my destiny.
So long.
(STAMMERING) Wait.
(EXCLAIMING) (YELLING) Thank Christ for that.
I thought I was a dead man.
Luck of the Irish.
(PANTING) (GROWLING) (BARKING) No! No! No! No! Get off me.
No! (SNARLING) Oh, dear.
Arwell? Gwynne, there's something we need to talk about! (SOFTLY) Arwell.
Gwynne.
ARWELL: There's been a murder.
(SCREAMING) And there's gonna be another bugger in a minute! Oh, Jesus, Arwell, don't you ever do that again! Oh.
Oh, dear God, I think I've just fallen through.
What were you doing out there? Why didn't you answer me? What do you mean there's been a murder? - Do you want me to answer all those questions? - Aye, and quick.
No, no, no, forget the first two.
Just answer the third one.
- Just the third one? - Yeah.
- Right, what was that then? - Oh, I don't know.
Was it the one about - What was the question again? - Oh, I can't remember.
Look, look, just answer the second, bugger.
What was that one? - Oh, oh, bollocks! Start again! - Right.
- Da, there's been a murder.
- That's the one, bingo.
Someone's ripped up Father Titmus.
It happened outside St Barney's.
The police say the man who killed him is an escaped looney tune from the Russ Abbot Madhouse.
We're not to approach him.
Brilliant! Oh, yes! Thank you, God! This is just the luck we need.
You can't say things like that, Da.
This is serious.
Arwell, we're funeral directors.
Death means funerals, and funerals mean business.
And at the moment, we haven't got a pot to piss in.
So I welcome any mass murderer with open arms.
Furthermore, I hope he kills someone else quick.
'Cause if not, Grattan's will be knocking on our door repossessing all our nice coats.
- Is it that bad? - Bad? It's worse.
Well, I've been looking for some gear to sell at the car boot sale this weekend.
I thought we could make a few bob that way.
- Oh, aye? What have you found? - Nothing.
Great.
I could sell my David Hasselhoff album containing his greatest hit.
No, no, no, no, don't sell that.
Hold on to it.
He'll die one day, it'll be worth something.
I mean, look what happened to my Pepsi and Shirlie collection after they copped it.
- But neither of them have died.
- I know that, but everyone thought they did.
Good luck, Pablo.
Thank you, Percy.
I'll never forget you.
Free! Free at last.
Thank Zardoz! (PANTING) (MOANING) (SNARLING) (PABLO SCREAMING) I thought your mother had taken her stuff with her.
(CLATTERING) What in the name of Derek Griffiths was that? It came from the kitchen.
- Go have a look.
- Sod that.
It might be that mad murderer.
Well, you'll be all right, you're a big bloke.
You're joking.
The man's a psycho.
You'd have to be a cretin and a fool to confront him.
Yeah, you're right.
Gwynne, go have a look.
Okay.
That's not fair.
We should all go.
We've got more chance.
Yeah, okay.
Come on.
(ALL SCREAMING) I'm back, and this time it's for good.
- Mr Thomas? - Yes? PC Hertz.
Yes, I know.
Your son has escaped from prison again.
Now, I've a warrant to search these premises.
I haven't seen Percy since he went away.
The prison warden reckons he escaped through the sewers.
Percy is the least of your problems.
There's a mad murderer about.
- Shouldn't you be looking for him? - Oh.
It's no mad murderer, Mr Thomas.
It's a wolf.
Big dog, eh? Perhaps Digby did it.
Look, I have a vacant sense of humour, young man.
And if that was intended as a joke, it was lost on me.
Now, there's a meeting in the town hall in the morning to discuss the situation.
A meeting? What for? You're not gonna cancel the car boot sale, are you? We'll see.
Well, good night, sir.
And beware the moon.
(HOWLING) Go on, get in there.
(YAWNS) - Iechyd da.
- Iechyd da.
What in the name of the Academy Award winning Louis Gossett Jr are you up to? And who's your furry chum? This is Lisa, and we are gonna catch the wolf.
- Why? - Well, think.
If we caught this beast, trained it up and kept it here as our pet, we'd have our very own killing machine.
When nobody's kicking buckets, like now, we just sent out the wolf and bosh.
Armageddon in the valleys, money in our pockets.
That's a fantastic idea, Perce.
- How's it work? - Well, this is my decoy.
And she happens to be the perfect replica of a female wolf.
Oh.
- What does she do? - I'll explain.
Now come here.
- Pay attention, 007.
- Aye.
Right.
What is it that all dogs want to do with each other? Run.
Yes, but what else do they really wanna do with each other? What else? Bark! No, but what do they really, really, really want to do with each other? - Ah, tango! - Sniff.
- Sniff? - Each other's parts.
Oh, sniff each other's parts.
Oh, aye.
Yeah.
- Comprende? - SÃ, sÃ, comprende.
Right.
Well, the parts of my beast are special.
Why's that then? Well, all dogs are randy and constantly ready to cop a member of the opposite sex.
So, if I leave the lovely Lisa here in the field, that nasty wolf is gonna see her and wanna give her one, right? But he's gonna be in for a shock when he tries.
- Why is that, then? - Put your fingers up there and you'll see.
You, what? I'm not putting my hand up her Calcutta.
Go on, it's not real.
Just put your fingers up there.
Da! (WHIRRING) (SCREAMING) - So that's where the blender got to! - Hey, am I the bollocks or what? Aren't you forgetting one thing? What if the killer wolf turns out to be a female? Then the plan's knackered and I've wasted 50 bob on this piece of shite.
Look, it's almost time for this meeting.
- Ah, right.
- You can't come.
You're supposed to be on the run.
Twat boy's got a point.
What can I do to disguise myself? Hang on, I've got the very thing.
There.
They won't know you from Adam.
- Iechyd da.
- ALL: Iechyd da.
Who's that? Da, who's that girl over there? That's Sian Bennett.
She's the Bennetts' daughter.
Who are the Bennetts? Well, you see those two men sitting either side of her? - Aye.
- They're the Bennetts.
And they're dirty rotten scoundrels.
They've opened a new funeral parlour about a mile up the road from us.
And ever since they came, our business has halved.
Which one's her father? Well, both of them, kind of.
They were Siamese twins joined at the satchels, recently separated.
- The bloody freaks.
- Really? Yeah, Sian works in the funeral parlour with them.
Oh, I like her.
Percy, she's bad news.
I don't want you winkling her.
Okay, everyone, sit down.
Oh, you are.
Right.
We all know why we're here.
There's a wolf out there, and it's attacking people without remorse.
And it has got to be stopped before it kills me, my wife and our two little otters, Simian and Bob.
As you know, there is a bounty on this terror dog of almost £3,000.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) Right.
Now I'll hand you over to the constable in charge, Constable Hertz.
And after that, there will be cheap refreshments and weak entertainment in the back room.
- Hertz.
- Right.
We have discussed in great detail how to deal with this problem.
Firstly, we're gonna put lookouts in all the fields.
Are you gonna cancel the boot sale? We're also gonna hire an expert from the canine institute in Cardiff to help us find the beast.
Constable Hertz, are you gonna cancel the boot sale? Yes.
Yes, we are.
(ALL YELLING) (SCREECHING) You all know me.
(ALL MURMURING) WOMAN: I don't know.
Do you know? You all know my vocation.
I'll catch this wolf for you.
But I value my nads at much more than 3,000 bucks.
I'll find him for three, but I'll snatch him and gut him for 10.
ALL: Ten thousand grand! For that you get the head, tail, teeth, eyes, skull, ribs, feet, balls, diaphragm.
# Yeah Whole damn thing.
Okay.
Thank you, Mr, uh Quimby.
I don't want no help.
I'll go alone.
There are too many trailer-park trash wannabe dog-catchers in this town.
Just give me the money and I'll do it.
Solo.
Come on, Doug.
Okay, everyone.
Meeting's over.
You can go and do your business.
(ALL CHATTERING) Look out, here comes trouble.
Hello, Ivor, how's business? Fine.
And yours? Oh, couldn't be better.
Our chapel of rest is simply stuffed with bodies.
We've got more meat than Bejam's in our freezers, thanks to that wolf.
Sent down from the heavens.
Yeah, but what happens if this Quimby fellow kills it? - You'll be finished then.
- Don't be daft.
Quimby's a piss artist and a pikey.
He couldn't catch a fart.
No, that wolf will keep us in business for a long time yet.
I'm sure of it.
Siamese twits.
Listen, we got to stop that Quimby from catching the wolf.
Yeah, oh, aye.
How are we gonna do it, then? Oh, look! I got a bulbous Thomas.
You know what that means? I got a great idea.
- Oh, no.
- No, no, no, no.
# Send the crazy old fellow Damn miserable little son of a bitch.
What do you mean you ain't coming, eh? # Oh, send the crazy old fellow What do you want? I'm here to help you catch the wolf.
I don't need no help.
Actually, the mayor sent us.
As he's paying all this money to find the beast, he's asked us to keep an eye on you.
Oh, yes.
And who are you? Percy Thomas, Chief of Police.
And that is Arwell, dog expert.
He has two A levels and one degree in dog, and currently works for the RSPCD.
He's here to make sure the dog is killed nicely.
And what's that stupid-looking mongrel? PERCY: That? Oh, that's Gwynne.
He has no purpose.
Not him.
The puppet! PERCY: That's not a puppet.
That is a state-of-the-art animatronic wolf made by the Jim Henson Creature Workshop in Fraggle Rock.
- Fraggle Rock? - Worthing.
Very well.
To be honest, I could do with a few new pairs of hands.
I've just discovered that my trusty friend Doug has only seconds to live.
(BLOWING) Weak heart, poor soul.
Right, everyone aboard Oh.
(SLURPING) Let me make one thing clear.
I am the captain and you are the cabin boys.
- Agreed? - Agreed.
Right.
Put your gloves on.
(MUTTERING) - Trap set? - Aye, Captain.
- Bait in? - All right, Gwynne? Fine and dandy, cheers.
Good.
Now all we have to do is wait.
Christ, I'm bored.
Patience is a virtue, Percy.
We wait.
You're right.
It is boring.
Have any of you got any dirty books? - No, I have not.
- Percy? - Of course I have.
- Go get them then.
- Right.
- Psst.
- Have you got any with sexy puppets? - Aye.
You better put your gloves on then.
Right.
IVOR: Attach part A to attachments.
Make an insert into area six and join sides E and F into a rhombus.
What the bloody hell is a rhombus? Oh, I can't understand this at all.
It's impossible.
Oh, I know.
I'll try it in German.
(IN GERMAN ACCENT) Attach part A to attachment C.
Oh, Japanese.
Spanish.
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Attach part A to attachment C.
(IN JAPANESE ACCENT) Join part A (IN AMERICAN ACCENT)to attachment C.
PERCY: So, how long you been a wolf hunter? All my life.
I've been all over the world hunting wolves, yeah.
Got the scars to prove it.
Look.
One day, there was this wolf the size of a mountain bike.
And he gets ahold of my leg and won't let go, and I'm a-kicking him and a-pounding his eyes with my fists.
But that wolf had locked his jaw.
And when a wolf does that, why, you're finished.
Unless, of course, you know the trick.
What trick's that then? You stick your fingers up his ass.
And unfortunately for the wolf, it was my string-plucking hand.
And with a yelp, he let go and ran off squealing like a pig.
And what about that one on your neck? Oh, my wife went mad and slit my throat here.
She had an obsession with collecting Adam's apples.
And one day she tried to steal mine.
(SNARLING) And the one on your head.
Another bite? No, a cyst.
Took it out myself.
- No way.
- Yeah.
AIII had was a bottle of vodka, yeah, some special left-handed scissors, some Savlon.
Oh.
And a pot of K-Y Jelly.
But that was for something different.
Yeah.
ARWELL: # Show me the way to go home I'm tired and I want to go to bed I I I'm I (ALL EXCLAIMING) Put your gloves on, boys.
We got company.
It's a wolf, look.
It's headed towards my trap.
Come on, let's go.
We mustn't lose that bastard wolf.
Okay, this is as far as we can drive.
We have to go the rest of the way on foot.
(WHIRRING) - What was that? - My trap.
I knew it would work.
Come on.
Forgot my gloves.
Ready.
Like a lion.
- One, two, three! - One, two, three! (GROANING) Mr Mayor.
You won't tell my wife, will you? (MOANS) - Gwynne! - Gwynne! What's happened to him? Oh, the silly bugger's got himself eaten.
That's it! This time it's personal.
Right.
Let's kill him! But first, I'm dying for a number two.
It'll take about a minute.
And I'd better put my gloves on.
- Poor Gwynne.
- Aye.
PERCY: He's Pedigree Chum now.
Anyway, at least he's gone to a better place.
If a wolf's stomach's a better place, I don't know.
Come on.
Holy hell! Quimby! Behind you! Wolf! Run! Come on, you old bastard, run! Faster, faster! Come on! Don't look behind you, run quickly! (EXCLAIMING) Get back! (WOLF GROWLING) He's got the hems of my trousers! He's got the hems of my trousers! He's got me.
He's got me! - Help him! - I can't.
Look, he's bitten his own tongue.
He's as good as dead.
Oh, well.
At least he died with his gloves on.
- Right, that's it! - Where are you going? I'm going home.
I've had enough.
It was a silly idea in the first place! Don't be a novice.
Too many people have died.
I can't take any more.
All right, then, I'll do it on my own.
You great big wet chicken.
You great, big, wet, Huggies-wearing, diapered chicken.
You Oh, well.
If you get home in time for Top of the Pops 2, set the tape.
It's a Then Jerico special.
Right.
Let's kill this wolf.
Come on.
Come on! Come on! All right, there you go, mister.
- Thank you.
- It's all right.
We get a lot of problems with this particular model.
The last fellow who called me out to assemble one of these was a funeral director just like you.
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.
That was about six weeks ago.
I remember 'cause he had this (GROWLING) This dirty, great wolf.
Yeah.
With a metal muzzle.
Nasty thing, it was.
Hang on.
That wouldn't have been the Bennetts' place, would it? About a mile up the road? Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
Anyway, thank you for the tea.
- I haven't given you any.
- Never mind.
God will make you pay, in one way or another.
Good day.
Arwell, come on.
We're going out.
What is it? I'll explain on the way.
Come on.
(GROANS) I told you so.
Fetch that.
Fetch! Come on, come on.
Smile, you son of a bitch.
We're rich.
Thanks to that wolf, we're gonna be the biggest funeral directors in Wales.
Today, Swansea.
Tomorrow, Swanage.
Then the world.
And with any luck, Roger is feasting on those Thomas brothers as we speak.
(IVOR GROANING) There he goes again.
Bugger off! Where was I? Oh, Ivor Thomas.
What can I do for you? A cup of tea? Coffee? Don't come the innocent with me, Bennetts.
- I'm onto you.
- And what exactly are you onto? I know why you've been having so much business lately.
That wolf is yours, isn't it? That's why you've been making so much money.
You've been training it to eat people.
Oh, shut up your face, Ivor, and face facts.
- What facts? - You're finished.
You have no business, no bodies and no money.
Gwynne is dead and, with a little luck, so is Percy.
Oh, no, I'm not and neither is Gwynne.
Oh, and look.
It's the reward.
Yes, a cheque made payable for £3,000 to Percy Thomas, me.
We are back in business.
You killed Roger the wolf? No, not exactly, you see.
As I held the gun, I looked into his eyes, and he looked into mine.
And I don't know what it was but we fell in love.
And that's why I told him about you two Siamese twats, you see.
Anyway, that's why I got him to pose dead in a photograph and hey presto, reward in my pocket.
What do you mean Gwynne is still alive? Where is Gwynne? How can you talk to animals? You want me to answer all those questions? Yes, and quick! Actually, forget the first two.
Just answer the third one.
- Just the third one? - Yes.
- What was that then? - The one about you talking to dogs! No, no, that was the second.
No, no, no, no, that was the third one.
The second was No, hang on a minute.
- That was the first one.
Yeah.
- The first.
Never mind all that rubbish.
Where's the wolf now? Roger? Oh, he's just behind me.
Roger! Roger.
Oh, well.
I guess his work here must be done.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on (GUN FIRES) What in the name of Michelle Pfeiffer was that? I done it.
I shooted the wolf all by myself.
So if you want to join me for a while Just grab your hat, come travel light That's hobo style Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home So if you want to join me for a while Just grab your hat, come travel light That's hobo style