Funland (2005) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 Where you heading? Blackpool.
Danger.
Blackpool.
(Bell ringing) We're the Suttons, Dudley and Lola.
- What are you doing? - You said you liked it like that.
Fancy a flutter? Poker.
- Three grand.
- I haven't got it.
All we want is the use of your wife.
- I've been humiliated and you don't fucking care! - Of course I care! Don't meddle in our marriage, don't mess with the kids.
I'm your mother.
Not going, are you? Ambrose Chapel.
No, Chapfel! Chapfel! My name is Ambrose Chapfel! Throw it in the seal Don't let 'them have it.
(Pumping dance music playing) LOLA: I won't do it.
Whatever it is you want, I won't do it.
Don't be so negative, love.
Make yourself at home.
Have a drink.
Sit down, son.
What do you want? I don't want anything, love.
I'm just helping a pal.
An old pal.
There's a range of options available.
- Photography.
- Video work, solo or girl-girl.
- Glamour can be quite lucrative.
- Pole dancing.
(Groaning) Urn, I'm a girl down.
We could slip you in tomorrow.
I'm going home.
(Lola screaming) Take your hands off my wife.
- Dudley.
- It's all right, love.
I'm absolutely fine.
(Doorbell ringing) I love bad lads.
Are you a bad lad? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, good.
Nice.
- Is this your dad? - Yeah.
- Hey.
Do you want to see my bedroom? -When's he back? - What do you care? - I used to be in the club game myself.
Boring.
Now, unzip.
Let's see what you've got.
- What do you want? - Bit of company.
Drink.
I like your nightie.
Don't get comfortable.
What do you think of the outfit? (Mobile phone ringing) I'll be upstairs.
(Coughing) Shirley, what about the girl? You start tomorrow.
How'd you? I've changed.
I'm trying to make it work with the wife.
I won't do penetration.
A blowjob, kissing your tits maybe.
But I'm not sticking it in.
(Telephone ringing) - Van Kneck.
- MERCY: You're required.
Usual place.
First ride.
Skip breakfast.
Danger.
Blackpool.
(Pounding) Don't let 'them have it.
MAN: You can't hide from us.
She pissed her pants when we did her.
You're next.
Hiya.
I was just looking at your necklace.
Where did you get it? - A present.
- From who? Your girlfriend? No, my mother.
She's dead.
My mum's dead.
Oh, God, that's such a coincidence.
- Yeah, I don't like to talk about it.
-Well, neither do I.
I were only five.
She was electrocuted while singing Da Da Da by Trio.
She'd just got to that bit where it goes "Ich liebe dish" and 30,000 volts shot through her from a faulty four-way stack.
You wouldn't think such a thing could happen.
Not in Rhyl.
- Mine was murdered.
- No.
- Two days ago.
- Oh, you must be gutted.
You're lovely, you are.
Dead good in bed, too.
Some lads, they just take what they want.
But you, well, you're really sensitive.
Thanks.
- Where are you going? -toilet.
Hey, listen, I'm going to Houndsmill later, shopping.
You can come if you like.
(Dudley snoring) Looking for someone? - I'm Carter.
- And I'm Connie.
This is my house.
I came back with Ruby.
She's still asleep.
Well, I hope you wore something.
You're the second one this week.
I was just looking for the toilet.
I was in the club last night.
Loved it.
We're a destination venue.
We've been in magazines.
- How long you had it? -10 years.
We've had all the stars.
Stan Collymore.
Cheryl Tweedy.
We had Paul Burrell last week.
- So who'd you buy the church off? - The Pope.
What's it to you? I'm nosy.
Lift the seat, please.
Not feeling queasy, are you? I should be in church.
I've got responsibilities.
Official duties.
I've got a duty for you.
My son wants his liquor license renewed.
I want it blocked.
VAN KNECK: Look, it's not just down to me.
There's the whole council to consider.
Elections are coming up.
The public decency hearing.
- We've still got your thongs hanging over us.
- Do as you're told or I'll drop you off the Big One.
What? MERCY: I've got plans for this town.
Great plans.
Losing Shirley isn't one of them.
(Van Kneck screaming) - Was she good? -Who? Whatever a whore it was you've been poking for the last six hours.
- Oh, I don't do that anymore.
-Where you been, then? Avoiding you.
Avoiding this.
Cleaning up your mess.
The bitch was asking for it! She put that filth in the paper! And who am I, eh? Derren fucking Brown? You let me go in there not knowing.
- It was just a card.
- Oh, aye? And what about the club, eh? Apparently, you've got an offer in.
What? Would you rather stay and have Mercy shit on you for the rest of your life? Hey, I told you.
I've got it all in hand.
I'm sorting Liam, I'm off the pussy, and I've got her number.
We're going to have a baby.
- What? - I'm pregnant.
You've knocked me up.
How? No, we went to that specialist, he said - I saw a man.
- A man? - What man? - Dr Manchu.
He gave me these herbs.
Some woman in Rio took them and she had a kiddie at 60.
- Now, we agreed we weren't gonna have a baby.
- I need it, Shirley.
I'm a woman.
I want to suckle.
Get rid of it.
- How can you say that? - Oh, yeah, go on.
Ham it up, Dame Judi.
- You're horrible.
- Now, I told you from the start, love.
I've done kids twice and made a fucking mess of it.
That's because you're here, under her thumb.
- If we could just get away.
- I've tried it before.
Eighteen miserable months in Camber Sands.
It didn't work.
Yeah, well, you're with me now.
We can make it work.
- I know we can.
- She'd never let it happen.
No.
It's like fucking voodoo.
She's inside me head.
Then get rid of her.
Hurt her.
Make the first move.
Start now.
Burn this.
Burn all her shitty presents.
Let's get her out of our lives.
We get the license.
We sell the club.
We go.
This is our chance, Shirley.
We don't take it, we're finished.
# I don't have to sell my soul # He's already in me X don't need to SEâ my I got a job for you.
Get that mower.
Do that garden.
We're selling up.
- Leaving town.
- All right, whatever.
Seen the Coco Pops? - Hey, we're moving out.
- You are? - Leaving Blackpool.
- Fuck that.
I've just met someone.
CONNIE: What about that copper? I thought you were in love.
Someone better came along.
I can't wait for you to meet him, Dad.
Smart, dead sexy.
He made me come three times.
- Where is he now? -I don't know.
He went to the toilet.
- Been gone ages.
Must be a big old shit.
- SHIRLEY: Oh, he's still here? I caught him snooping first thing.
Nice lad, but he asks a lot of questions.
- Jesus.
- It's okay.
Nothing bad's going to happen.
DUDLEY: just remember he's got our address.
The studio is fully equipped.
There's a variety of sets.
Silks and drapes for classical photography.
We attract only the best clientele.
(Bird fluttering) See anything you like? Help yourself.
Don't mind me.
- I was looking for Ruby.
- Me wife, she says you've been asking questions.
She's a fascinating woman.
- Who are you? What do you want? -Ruby.
- I don't think so.
Mercy, she sent you.
- I don't know anyone called Mercy.
I met Ruby in the club.
We came back.
Try again.
- No money.
No wallet.
- I'm in trouble.
- I'm on the run.
- From who? Some nutter down in London.
I owe money.
I'm skint.
So you don't know anyone in Blackpool? And you're nothing to do with Mercy? No.
Let's see you prove it.
And Miss Jones, the sexy secretary.
That's not so bad.
It's only like what you wear to work.
Oh, yes, there's a bit of a stain on the rear of the skirt, but we can cheat it away from the camera.
You can't cheat the 180, pal.
State of the art.
Okay.
If you'd like to make your way to the dressing room.
It's quite opaque.
See that house? Upstairs.
Second bedroom on the right.
Redecorate.
Strip the room.
Everything.
- Bring it all back here.
- What about those? Smile and say "cheese".
Maybe if the lady could take her blouse off? - I'm not going topless.
- They've paid for glamour.
£35 an hour you're getting.
-£35? - I would prefer it if the girl wore nothing.
- No, that's extra.
- Now hold on It's all above board.
There's a sliding scale.
Glamour, £35.
Fine art nude, £50.
Continental with toys, £65, and you can double your money.
I don't think so.
I thought we were paying for a professional model.
I've come all the way from Glossop.
At least take your bra off.
We'll never pay it off.
We owe three grand.
He's paying £35 an hour.
- That's not so bad.
I mean, 35 -85 hours.
- Well, there's always continental.
-You'd like that, wouldn't you? - Look, don't take this out on me.
- Why not? You're the idiot who got us into this.
-Well, maybe if you weren't so uptight - Uptight? frigid, we'd be at home in Stoke, having sex like a normal couple.
Normal? - Is that what we are, Dudley? - Yes.
BRADLEY: The clock is ticking.
Well.
That's quite a bounty.
- Are you planning a car boot sale? - I'm working for your son.
I hope he pays well.
The guy stuck a crossbow in my face.
I didn't have a choice.
MERCY: Have you ever set fire to an eyeball? Sometimes they melt.
Sometimes they explode.
He asked me to break in, strip the room.
Bring him everything.
That's all I know.
- What' s your name? -Carter.
Well, Carter I appreciate your honesty.
- So I can go, then? - Not yet.
You work for me now.
Everything he does, I want to know.
Take it.
I'll hold on to that.
Don't be a stranger.
All right, there we go.
All right.
This is much better, isn't it, eh? Right, well, this is your boss's office, and, well, you're late for work, you naughty girl, so Come on, get to your desk.
Actually, could you take the cap off for me? Lovely job, thank you.
That's the one.
Okay.
Now, undo a button for me.
Good.
And another one.
(Camera clicking) Now, undo it all the way down.
Go on.
Come on, love.
There.
That wasn't so difficult, now, was it? Right.
Now, you're a busy girl.
So, I don't know, do some filing.
All right, then.
Bend over the desk and answer that phone.
It's ringing.
Go on.
Yeah.
That's it.
Good girl.
Right.
Now Now, get those ankles further apart for me.
Yeah.
Good.
You are a very lucky man, sir.
Now, slip those panties down and let's see your fanny.
How does that feel? Good? - Turning you on? - Stop it.
You're hurting me.
Please.
I'm bleeding.
What about my clients? You still owe that money.
I'll set the Woolf on you.
Take me to him.
Take me to him now.
-Where've you been? - St Anne's.
On the dunes.
Watching the sea.
And how was last night? Pleasant? Oh.
You're a good little poppet.
Run along now.
SHIRLEY: I've changed.
I'm trying to make it work with the wife.
I won't do penetration.
A blowjob, kissing your tits maybe.
But I'm not sticking in.
I had to walk back.
No money.
You'd gone.
- I was in the shit.
- Oh, he's so brave.
- What about the Greek? - I outran him.
Come on.
Come inside.
- Ruby.
- I'll be in my bedroom.
- What's this? -It was on the wall.
There was a photo.
A photo of a girl.
- It's not here.
- That's all there was.
- He's an animal.
He could really hurt us.
- Coward.
I'm thinking of you.
- I'll deal with him.
-Well, go on, then.
- We need a plan.
-Oh, God.
Lola.
Lola.
No, wait.
Mind your fingers.
Tell me, Why'd you turn a burnt out shit-hole like that into a club? Prime site, bottom dollar.
What do you care? - Ever heard of Franny Krantz? - No.
Should I? - Yeah, she loved the place.
Told me all about it.
- Let's stop pissing about, shall we? Now, who are you? What do you want? Someone I cared for, they got hurt.
- Oh, yeah, and you think I'm involved? - No.
I don't know.
I thought I knew something.
I didn't.
Know what, son? You seem like a very troubled young man.
Yeah, well, I've had a bad couple of days.
Oh, yeah, skint, on the run.
- I'd better go.
- What about a job? - Doing what? - Know your way round one of these? LOLA: You! You think you can push people around? Do what you want? Well, you can't.
I'm not staying here day after day, being stared at by creeps.
Then pay back the money you owe.
What if I went to the police? You wouldn't.
Would you? Just give me the worst you've got.
I don't care what it is.
I'll do it.
- I just want to get out of here.
- Fine.
You know, I know just the thing.
Now, go back, have a wash.
You start in an hour.
So, are you in or out? I'm in.
Danger.
Blackpool.
(Bell ringing) We're the Suttons, Dudley and Lola.
- What are you doing? - You said you liked it like that.
Fancy a flutter? Poker.
- Three grand.
- I haven't got it.
All we want is the use of your wife.
- I've been humiliated and you don't fucking care! - Of course I care! Don't meddle in our marriage, don't mess with the kids.
I'm your mother.
Not going, are you? Ambrose Chapel.
No, Chapfel! Chapfel! My name is Ambrose Chapfel! Throw it in the seal Don't let 'them have it.
(Pumping dance music playing) LOLA: I won't do it.
Whatever it is you want, I won't do it.
Don't be so negative, love.
Make yourself at home.
Have a drink.
Sit down, son.
What do you want? I don't want anything, love.
I'm just helping a pal.
An old pal.
There's a range of options available.
- Photography.
- Video work, solo or girl-girl.
- Glamour can be quite lucrative.
- Pole dancing.
(Groaning) Urn, I'm a girl down.
We could slip you in tomorrow.
I'm going home.
(Lola screaming) Take your hands off my wife.
- Dudley.
- It's all right, love.
I'm absolutely fine.
(Doorbell ringing) I love bad lads.
Are you a bad lad? - Uh-huh.
- Oh, good.
Nice.
- Is this your dad? - Yeah.
- Hey.
Do you want to see my bedroom? -When's he back? - What do you care? - I used to be in the club game myself.
Boring.
Now, unzip.
Let's see what you've got.
- What do you want? - Bit of company.
Drink.
I like your nightie.
Don't get comfortable.
What do you think of the outfit? (Mobile phone ringing) I'll be upstairs.
(Coughing) Shirley, what about the girl? You start tomorrow.
How'd you? I've changed.
I'm trying to make it work with the wife.
I won't do penetration.
A blowjob, kissing your tits maybe.
But I'm not sticking it in.
(Telephone ringing) - Van Kneck.
- MERCY: You're required.
Usual place.
First ride.
Skip breakfast.
Danger.
Blackpool.
(Pounding) Don't let 'them have it.
MAN: You can't hide from us.
She pissed her pants when we did her.
You're next.
Hiya.
I was just looking at your necklace.
Where did you get it? - A present.
- From who? Your girlfriend? No, my mother.
She's dead.
My mum's dead.
Oh, God, that's such a coincidence.
- Yeah, I don't like to talk about it.
-Well, neither do I.
I were only five.
She was electrocuted while singing Da Da Da by Trio.
She'd just got to that bit where it goes "Ich liebe dish" and 30,000 volts shot through her from a faulty four-way stack.
You wouldn't think such a thing could happen.
Not in Rhyl.
- Mine was murdered.
- No.
- Two days ago.
- Oh, you must be gutted.
You're lovely, you are.
Dead good in bed, too.
Some lads, they just take what they want.
But you, well, you're really sensitive.
Thanks.
- Where are you going? -toilet.
Hey, listen, I'm going to Houndsmill later, shopping.
You can come if you like.
(Dudley snoring) Looking for someone? - I'm Carter.
- And I'm Connie.
This is my house.
I came back with Ruby.
She's still asleep.
Well, I hope you wore something.
You're the second one this week.
I was just looking for the toilet.
I was in the club last night.
Loved it.
We're a destination venue.
We've been in magazines.
- How long you had it? -10 years.
We've had all the stars.
Stan Collymore.
Cheryl Tweedy.
We had Paul Burrell last week.
- So who'd you buy the church off? - The Pope.
What's it to you? I'm nosy.
Lift the seat, please.
Not feeling queasy, are you? I should be in church.
I've got responsibilities.
Official duties.
I've got a duty for you.
My son wants his liquor license renewed.
I want it blocked.
VAN KNECK: Look, it's not just down to me.
There's the whole council to consider.
Elections are coming up.
The public decency hearing.
- We've still got your thongs hanging over us.
- Do as you're told or I'll drop you off the Big One.
What? MERCY: I've got plans for this town.
Great plans.
Losing Shirley isn't one of them.
(Van Kneck screaming) - Was she good? -Who? Whatever a whore it was you've been poking for the last six hours.
- Oh, I don't do that anymore.
-Where you been, then? Avoiding you.
Avoiding this.
Cleaning up your mess.
The bitch was asking for it! She put that filth in the paper! And who am I, eh? Derren fucking Brown? You let me go in there not knowing.
- It was just a card.
- Oh, aye? And what about the club, eh? Apparently, you've got an offer in.
What? Would you rather stay and have Mercy shit on you for the rest of your life? Hey, I told you.
I've got it all in hand.
I'm sorting Liam, I'm off the pussy, and I've got her number.
We're going to have a baby.
- What? - I'm pregnant.
You've knocked me up.
How? No, we went to that specialist, he said - I saw a man.
- A man? - What man? - Dr Manchu.
He gave me these herbs.
Some woman in Rio took them and she had a kiddie at 60.
- Now, we agreed we weren't gonna have a baby.
- I need it, Shirley.
I'm a woman.
I want to suckle.
Get rid of it.
- How can you say that? - Oh, yeah, go on.
Ham it up, Dame Judi.
- You're horrible.
- Now, I told you from the start, love.
I've done kids twice and made a fucking mess of it.
That's because you're here, under her thumb.
- If we could just get away.
- I've tried it before.
Eighteen miserable months in Camber Sands.
It didn't work.
Yeah, well, you're with me now.
We can make it work.
- I know we can.
- She'd never let it happen.
No.
It's like fucking voodoo.
She's inside me head.
Then get rid of her.
Hurt her.
Make the first move.
Start now.
Burn this.
Burn all her shitty presents.
Let's get her out of our lives.
We get the license.
We sell the club.
We go.
This is our chance, Shirley.
We don't take it, we're finished.
# I don't have to sell my soul # He's already in me X don't need to SEâ my I got a job for you.
Get that mower.
Do that garden.
We're selling up.
- Leaving town.
- All right, whatever.
Seen the Coco Pops? - Hey, we're moving out.
- You are? - Leaving Blackpool.
- Fuck that.
I've just met someone.
CONNIE: What about that copper? I thought you were in love.
Someone better came along.
I can't wait for you to meet him, Dad.
Smart, dead sexy.
He made me come three times.
- Where is he now? -I don't know.
He went to the toilet.
- Been gone ages.
Must be a big old shit.
- SHIRLEY: Oh, he's still here? I caught him snooping first thing.
Nice lad, but he asks a lot of questions.
- Jesus.
- It's okay.
Nothing bad's going to happen.
DUDLEY: just remember he's got our address.
The studio is fully equipped.
There's a variety of sets.
Silks and drapes for classical photography.
We attract only the best clientele.
(Bird fluttering) See anything you like? Help yourself.
Don't mind me.
- I was looking for Ruby.
- Me wife, she says you've been asking questions.
She's a fascinating woman.
- Who are you? What do you want? -Ruby.
- I don't think so.
Mercy, she sent you.
- I don't know anyone called Mercy.
I met Ruby in the club.
We came back.
Try again.
- No money.
No wallet.
- I'm in trouble.
- I'm on the run.
- From who? Some nutter down in London.
I owe money.
I'm skint.
So you don't know anyone in Blackpool? And you're nothing to do with Mercy? No.
Let's see you prove it.
And Miss Jones, the sexy secretary.
That's not so bad.
It's only like what you wear to work.
Oh, yes, there's a bit of a stain on the rear of the skirt, but we can cheat it away from the camera.
You can't cheat the 180, pal.
State of the art.
Okay.
If you'd like to make your way to the dressing room.
It's quite opaque.
See that house? Upstairs.
Second bedroom on the right.
Redecorate.
Strip the room.
Everything.
- Bring it all back here.
- What about those? Smile and say "cheese".
Maybe if the lady could take her blouse off? - I'm not going topless.
- They've paid for glamour.
£35 an hour you're getting.
-£35? - I would prefer it if the girl wore nothing.
- No, that's extra.
- Now hold on It's all above board.
There's a sliding scale.
Glamour, £35.
Fine art nude, £50.
Continental with toys, £65, and you can double your money.
I don't think so.
I thought we were paying for a professional model.
I've come all the way from Glossop.
At least take your bra off.
We'll never pay it off.
We owe three grand.
He's paying £35 an hour.
- That's not so bad.
I mean, 35 -85 hours.
- Well, there's always continental.
-You'd like that, wouldn't you? - Look, don't take this out on me.
- Why not? You're the idiot who got us into this.
-Well, maybe if you weren't so uptight - Uptight? frigid, we'd be at home in Stoke, having sex like a normal couple.
Normal? - Is that what we are, Dudley? - Yes.
BRADLEY: The clock is ticking.
Well.
That's quite a bounty.
- Are you planning a car boot sale? - I'm working for your son.
I hope he pays well.
The guy stuck a crossbow in my face.
I didn't have a choice.
MERCY: Have you ever set fire to an eyeball? Sometimes they melt.
Sometimes they explode.
He asked me to break in, strip the room.
Bring him everything.
That's all I know.
- What' s your name? -Carter.
Well, Carter I appreciate your honesty.
- So I can go, then? - Not yet.
You work for me now.
Everything he does, I want to know.
Take it.
I'll hold on to that.
Don't be a stranger.
All right, there we go.
All right.
This is much better, isn't it, eh? Right, well, this is your boss's office, and, well, you're late for work, you naughty girl, so Come on, get to your desk.
Actually, could you take the cap off for me? Lovely job, thank you.
That's the one.
Okay.
Now, undo a button for me.
Good.
And another one.
(Camera clicking) Now, undo it all the way down.
Go on.
Come on, love.
There.
That wasn't so difficult, now, was it? Right.
Now, you're a busy girl.
So, I don't know, do some filing.
All right, then.
Bend over the desk and answer that phone.
It's ringing.
Go on.
Yeah.
That's it.
Good girl.
Right.
Now Now, get those ankles further apart for me.
Yeah.
Good.
You are a very lucky man, sir.
Now, slip those panties down and let's see your fanny.
How does that feel? Good? - Turning you on? - Stop it.
You're hurting me.
Please.
I'm bleeding.
What about my clients? You still owe that money.
I'll set the Woolf on you.
Take me to him.
Take me to him now.
-Where've you been? - St Anne's.
On the dunes.
Watching the sea.
And how was last night? Pleasant? Oh.
You're a good little poppet.
Run along now.
SHIRLEY: I've changed.
I'm trying to make it work with the wife.
I won't do penetration.
A blowjob, kissing your tits maybe.
But I'm not sticking in.
I had to walk back.
No money.
You'd gone.
- I was in the shit.
- Oh, he's so brave.
- What about the Greek? - I outran him.
Come on.
Come inside.
- Ruby.
- I'll be in my bedroom.
- What's this? -It was on the wall.
There was a photo.
A photo of a girl.
- It's not here.
- That's all there was.
- He's an animal.
He could really hurt us.
- Coward.
I'm thinking of you.
- I'll deal with him.
-Well, go on, then.
- We need a plan.
-Oh, God.
Lola.
Lola.
No, wait.
Mind your fingers.
Tell me, Why'd you turn a burnt out shit-hole like that into a club? Prime site, bottom dollar.
What do you care? - Ever heard of Franny Krantz? - No.
Should I? - Yeah, she loved the place.
Told me all about it.
- Let's stop pissing about, shall we? Now, who are you? What do you want? Someone I cared for, they got hurt.
- Oh, yeah, and you think I'm involved? - No.
I don't know.
I thought I knew something.
I didn't.
Know what, son? You seem like a very troubled young man.
Yeah, well, I've had a bad couple of days.
Oh, yeah, skint, on the run.
- I'd better go.
- What about a job? - Doing what? - Know your way round one of these? LOLA: You! You think you can push people around? Do what you want? Well, you can't.
I'm not staying here day after day, being stared at by creeps.
Then pay back the money you owe.
What if I went to the police? You wouldn't.
Would you? Just give me the worst you've got.
I don't care what it is.
I'll do it.
- I just want to get out of here.
- Fine.
You know, I know just the thing.
Now, go back, have a wash.
You start in an hour.
So, are you in or out? I'm in.