Funny Woman (2023) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
'The following programme contains
strong language from the outset.'
(BURLESQUE MUSIC)
Sluts on stage
for the opening number!
Get your lazy arses up those stairs!
On stage, come on!
- All right, coming!
- Get moving!
Sluts on stage.
Come on!
(BURLESQUE MUSIC)
(LAUGHS) Look at her.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
I can't believe it!
You were cracking me up out there.
How does a nice girl like you
end up in a dump like this?
Oh, this is just a stop-gap.
How about you?
Ah, no stop-gaps for a sinner.
I got up the spout.
That's not a sin.
It is when you're a nun.
You can hide a lot under a habit,
but not twins.(GASPS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, they're gorgeous!
Here, you couldn't babysit,
- could you?
- What, now?
Yeah. I just live down the street.
There's a bald fella out front
I think will part with a few bob
for a quick hand shandy.
Darling
we've hit the jackpot.
Sir Bernard Beaumont, the theatrical
impresario, wants to meet you!
(GASPS) Really? Me?
- What did he say?
- That you've got a
great rack and he wants a threesome.
He'll pay double figures.
All we have to do is (WHISPERS)
Well, I'm not doing that,
no matter how much he pays!
Leave her alone, Ivy, you big doper.
She's not putting out
just so you can get your next fix.
Anyway, she's babysitting for me.
Don't do it, darling.
Those fucking twins
are worse than the Krays.
How dare you, you posh clit!
People! Stop it!
(ALL SCREAM)
Oi, oi, oi!
Oooh!
(GROANS)
Sorry.
You.
You're nothing but bloody trouble!
People come in here for an evening
of high-class entertainment,
not to watch you
fucking around with a fan!
- - High-class?
- Yes!
- Ha!
Glorified knocking shop, more like.
If you paid your girls properly,
they wouldn't have to
What? What?
to bash impresarios on the bumhole
with a meat mallet!
(ALL GASP)
You little bitch!
I'm gonna have you!
(ALL GASP)
Aghhh!
(ALL LAUGH)
Get the fuck out
and don't come back!
It's a sign of the times
That your love for me
is getting so much stronger
It's a sign of the times
And I know that
I won't have to wait much longer
You've changed a lot somehow
From the one I used to know
But when you hold me now
You feel like
you never wanna let me go ♪
Ohh, I despair.
That is another missed opportunity.
Sir Bernard Beaumont
is one of the top producers around.
Top pervert around.
I'm not going back.
(HUMS)
Brian, help me.
Brian. I need another job.
(GASPS) Are you still here?
I thought I heard
an annoying buzzing sound.
Beryl Charlton called
That's enough, Patsy.
Thank you very much.
I'll handle this.
Well, young lady, despite the fact
that you stole a script,
fabricated a pack of lies,
humiliated and intimidated a top
light-entertainment producer
they seem to want to
hear you ready.
Patsy, the script.
For the part of Cicely?
Actually, I went out on a limb and
suggested you for the part of Jim.
Of course Cicely,
- you stupid little idiot.
- But
Beryl Charlton said
they'd never cast anyone like me.
And if Beryl has anything
to do with it, they won't.
However, this Mahindra chap,
the producer,
he thought you had something.
Apart from bare-faced cheek.
- Ohh!
- Pull yourself together.
The audition's at two o'clock.
- Don't be late.
- Two o'clock.
Oh. (LAUGHS) Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Brian! Thank you.
All right.
Knock 'em dead, darling.
Oh, can I borrow a shilling
for my bus fare?
Don't doubt yourself, babe
Let your feet stand up
for your beliefs, babe
I know what's running
through your mind
You think you ought to capture time
Make love,
walk the straight and narrow
Ahh, ahh
Don't doubt yourself, gal
Let what's inside be your guide
You know darn well
For all the wrong
that's been done to you
Is making you prettier,
so don't be blue
The life you've lived
and what you've been through
You're lucky
Ahh, ahh
Don't doubt yourself ♪
Shit.
(DOOR BANGS)
Hiya!
Traffic was so bad,
I thought it was quicker to swim.
Erm, I owe you all an apology.
Especially you, Mr Mahindra.
What I did was wrong.
I'm truly sorry.
Erm, well, erm
apology, erm, accepted.
Erm, we'd like you to read
- some of the script.
- No problem.
Erm yes. Thank you.
(SIGHS)
Out loud.
Oh!
Sorry.
In fact, erm,
we'd like you, er,
to read it with Clive.
Yes, you see, erm (CLEARS THROAT)
this is what we call
a chemistry read.
And before Tony and Bill make some
asinine jokes about Bunsen burners,
a chemistry read is where we see
how we can work together.
Yes. So it's comic chemistry
we're looking at.
And also sexual chemistry. Crikey.
That's a lot to cram into
one test tube.
So why don't we start with the scene
where the characters
of Cicely and Jim are planning
the dinner party at home?
Should I read it in my voice
or Cicely's voice or
You know, I would love to hear her
read it in Cicely's voice.
If you can do RP.
Oh, silly That stands for,
er, really posh, Sophie.
Er, so, erm, interior flat.
Open on Jim.
His fiancee Cicely enters
looking for something.
Hello, darling. Can I help you?
I think I left my "hombug hair."
Er No, er,
"I think I left my handbag here."
Did you, Clive? I'm not one to judge.
I'll help you look for it later.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, Clive. Sorry.
Can I have another crack at it?
What about scene ten
when Cicely tells Jim off
for forgetting to defrost
the rack of lamb?
Why don't we pretend this ball
is the meat?
So you're both panicking
because you're trying to defrost it
- in time for the boss.
- Water bottle
and a hairdryer works every time.
Not with chicken, though. Makes
- the giblets smell like shite.
- Oh.
Sorry, that's not very Cicely, is it?
Anyway, so Right.
They're here! I can hear them!
Quick, hide the meat!
Ooh! Jim!
This is no time for hanky-panky!
What? No, that's not the line.
Sorry, I did it again.
- I did it again.
- Look, pass it back.
Very good. (CLEARS THROAT)
Sorry.
They're coming! I can hear them!
Hide the meat!
Whoops!
What's going on?
- Aghhhh!
- Not the face! Not the face!
Not the face.
OK. Er, one more.
Very good, very good.
They're coming! I can hear them!
Quick, hide the meat!
This was supposed to be my
I'm not a performing seal!
Hide the meat!
Why? Are they vegetarian?
You're sort of playing my part.
Whoo!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, God.
What am I doing here?
- I keep playing the dame.
- The dame?
In what, panto?
I can hear them.
Hide the meat.
Ooh! (GROANS)
Ohhhh.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
Oh. Congratulations, Jim. (CHUCKLES)
Thank you so much, Sophie.
Could you please give us a moment
to chat?
(CLUCKS)
Would the audience really buy into
this relationship?
I mean, me and her?
Good point. They might wonder why
she's with such an arsehole.
She just needs to feed the lines
and-and-and look pretty.
Is that the sound of Emmeline
Pankhurst turning in her grave?
Sophie, can I have a word?
Regrettably
It's fine, forget it.
Erm I should've listened
to my Aunty Marie.
"Don't get big ideas, young lady.
Stick to being Miss Blackpool Belle.
Running off to London like"
Blackpool Belle?
So you're a beauty queen?
(DOOR SLAMS)
(CLATTERING)
On balance,
I decided to leave by the door
instead of the broom cupboard.
Erm, Sophie, erm,
what I was, er, going to say,
erm, is that, regretfully,
we don't get to make
the final decision, but
as far as we're concerned,
you're in the show.
Oh, God.
(SOBS)
No.
(SOBS)
No, please. Erm
(LAUGHS)
'Hang onto your hat, Dad.
Breaking news.
Who did I spy today?
Only the actual Captain Smyde
from The Awkward Squad!
And guess what.
He's much taller than he sounds
on the radio.'
Clive Richardson!
Yeah.
Well, she only glimpsed him,
apparently, in the corridor.
She's been to see where they do
all the comedy shows.
Like a guided tour?
Er Oh, she didn't say.
The doctor says he's got to take
better care of himself.
But does he listen? Does he heck!
How's that, Marie?
Ooh, that's lovely, Aiden.
Thank you.
And he says he cooks for himself,
but the other day,
I found him eating powdered soup
straight from the packet!
Ooh, you never did!
- I did!
- Ohh!
No!
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Ta-ra, love.
Oh, ta-ra, Betty.
How are you?
Oh, you know, keeping busy.
Stepping out with anyone?
Why, are you asking?(CHUCKLES)
I don't know what came over her.
I've half a mind to go to London
and bring her back myself.
Ta-ra, Aiden.
See you later.
(SIGHS)
I'm going to the Television Centre.
I'm meeting Ted Sargent, the head
- of light entertainment.
- Oooh!
Light entertainment. Five minutes
ago, you were prancing around
with tassels on your tits.
Oh, God, don't remind me.
Dennis, the producer,
is a real gentleman.
He says if this meeting goes well,
I've got the job!
That's great!
I'll finally get some rent!
Oh, God!
Oh, I'm so cocking nervous!
You? Nervous?
Don't be daft.
Although, I'd mind your language.
My future lies in one man's hands.
OK, then. In that case
here's a technique
I always find helpful.
When you get into this meeting,
you sit down,
you look this Ted Sargent fella
dead in the eye
and you imagine him
taking a great big shit.
- Morning, Sophie.
- Morning, Dennis.
Welcome.(GASPS)
Wow.
It's this way.
Should I be serious? A bit flirty?
What, now?
With Ted Sargent.
Oh!
Oh. Oh, gosh, no. No, no.
You won't, erm,
try one of your antics?
- Antics?
- You know, pretending
you've met someone you haven't or
No, Dennis, I promise,
I'll keep my trap shut
and agree with everything he says.
Well, actually, er,
he's rather suspicious
of people who he thinks are just
telling him what he wants to hear.
So no toadying.
- No toadying.
- Yeah.
- No flirting.
- No.
- - No antics.
- Yes.
- Got it.
Oh, God. I hope he says yes.
It's a good thing the writers
are awfully keen on you.
He surely won't want to lose
any more talent to the other side.
He hasn't quite got over
losing Hancock.
(GASPS) Is he the one
who lost Tony Hancock?
Yes, he was.
Although we don't want to mention
- any of that to Ted.
- No, no.
After you.
Good morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
So, Dennis, I gather the boys
have got it into their heads
to rejig the script
- to accommodate Miss Straw.
- Yes.
They'd like to make Cicely hail from
- Blackpool.
- That's where I come from.
- Ah.
- Yes. And we all rather like
the way that Sophie sounds.
We feel it brings something.
Sadly, not an audience.
Our esteemed casting director,
Beryl Charlton,
felt that Marcia Bell did a charming
audition and she has a profile.
So perhaps we can find a role
for Miss Straw another time.
Well, Marcia Bell is certainly one
- way we could go.
- The not funny way.
In my vast experience,
good looks and comic ability
rarely go hand-in-hand.
The girl is in a show
to be the voice of reason,
not to play the fool.
It's fine. I get it.
I'm a risk. And you don't want
another flop on your hands,
like that Foreign Matters.
I mean, I enjoyed it, but
Unfortunately, that show never quite
- found its audience.
- Oh, dear.
Were they hiding?
(CHUCKLES)
Dennis, I'm curious.
What makes you think I would allow
the reputation of the network
to rest on
the inexperienced shoulders
of a nobody from Liverpool?
- Nobody from Blackpool.
- Well, erm
Sophie's different.
And maybe people from Blackpool
would like to see themselves
represented on television.
Thanks, Dennis,
but Ted Sargent's right.
Just because ordinary working people
from the north might find it funny,
doesn't mean that
he should put me in the show.
And Bill, Tony and Clive
strike me as loyal.
They're hardly going to rush over
and do the show on the other side
like Tony Hancock did.
(CLEARS THROAT)
This weekend,
I shall fly to the Montreux Festival
with the Black And White Minstrels.
Oh, you sing and dance, as well!
Dennis Yes, sir?
I will give you 24 hours
to prepare a new script
with Miss Straw
before I depart to the airport.
I shall attend a read-through
tomorrow morning at 10am.
Yes. Very good, sir. Thank you.
24 hours.
So, we keep Jim as the posh boy
- politico.
- Uh-huh.
Went to public school, still votes
Labour, works at the Foreign Office.
Do we keep the boss
coming for dinner thing?
Can we change that?
It's so fucking trad.
It's a Trojan horse, you know that.
Tradition set-up,
we get to smuggle things
into the script.
So how does he meet Cicely,
the working-class northerner?
Slumming it down the pub?
Maybe he knocks her up.
Knocks her up?
I think you'll find he didn't.
My dad would burst a blood vessel.
Sophie, you're playing a character.
It's called acting.
You should try it some time, Clive.
You should try writing some time, Bill.
What are you, Tony, his little
- script monkey?
- Fuck off.
Couldn't I, my character,
work at Whitehall, too?
What, a a cleaner?
Actually,
what if she's Jim's cleaner?
Good. That's good, right, Tone?
And what if Jim has to pretend
that his cleaner is his fiancee?
Margaret. We'll call her Maggie.
No, I can't quite see that.
And she has to act all posh
and prepare a fancy meal.
Foie gras, tartare,
all that bollocks.
I'm crap in the kitchen.
I once managed to burn water.
We're having that line, thank you.
I like it, I like it. It's a good,
erm odd couple scenario.
Odd? Thanks, Dennis.
Dennis thinks anyone's odd
who hasn't been to Cambridge.
Yes, actually, I do.
Come on, we need a name.
Now, Sophie what comes to mind
when you think of Blackpool?
Dirt and ferrets.
Working down the pit?
Dysentery.
- Clogs!
- We're writing a sitcom,
not a Ken Loach drama.
What does go with a regular woman
from Blackpool?
A stick of rock
and a sense of bitter disappointment?
What about Doris?
What is she, 90?
So, call time for the reading
with Ted Sargent tomorrow is 9:45am.
Now, it is essential that everyone
gets an early night, Bill.
Sophie's character still hasn't got
- a name.
- Just keep thinking.
You'll come up with something good.
Erm, so, any last-minute changes
we'll do by hand in the morning.
- All right?
- Does it even matter
what she's called?
What is wrong with Doris?
I'm sorry to be an arse,
but I do feel that
Actually, can we change Clive's
character's name from Jim
to Hugh Jarse? Or shall we do it
by hand in the morning?
Look, I am basically
doing everyone a favour
turning up to this read-through
tomorrow,
so a little bit of respect
would be quite nice.
Bill, has anyone ever refused
to read for Ted Sargent?
Yeah, that actor Reggie Lake.
He didn't turn up to a Ted Sargent
- read-through.
- Who's Reggie Lake?
Exactly.
Oh. Right.
Barbara.
What?
It's got a good rhythm to it.
Barbara from Blackpool.
All right, we've got the name.
Can we please change the title?
Dining In?
Let's call it Barbara And Jim.
Yeah. No, I like it.
Jim And Barbara.
Night, Soph.
Very good, Tony. Very good.
Hi.
Evening.
Aiden!
What are you doing here?
I'm making a romantic gesture.
Well, you better come up.
- I've missed you so much!
- Shh! Keep
it down! You'll wake my flatmate.
(SNORES)
Aiden!
Have you been drinking?
Well, I needed some Dutch courage.
It gave me the shock of my life,
you leaving.
I just assumed
it'd be you and me forever.
Maybe you should've asked me what
- I wanted.
- I've had time to think.
I'm willing to give you
another chance.
Come back with me, Barbara.
I can offer you more than this.
I inherited the business. I can
put down a deposit on a bungalow.
I don't want a bungalow.
I've got the chance to do something
that I've always wanted to do.
Be on the telly in a comedy show.
Love,
you're living in a fantasy land.
You're a pretty lass an' that,
but people like us don't get on TV.
It could all change tomorrow.
How long you gonna go on Shh!
No, I mean it really could
all change tomorrow.
I know I did this once before,
but I'm gonna do it again.
Better.
I love you, Barbara.
I wanna grow old with you.
Will you do me the honour
of becoming my wife?
(SIGHS)
Easy, love, easy, easy.
I've just had a pickled onion.
(GROANS)
Shh.
Oh! Oh!
(LAMP CLATTERS)
Shh!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(GASPS)
(GASPS)
Morning, love. I made you breakfast.
Like a modern fella.
(GASPS) Fucking hell!
What time is it?
Good morning!
Morning.
Ah. Where is Her Ladyship? Hm?
In the bog?
Trowelling on the war paint?
She knows she's gotta be here
by 9:45, right?
I'm saying nothing.
(COUGHS)
Should've hired a professional.
I have to go, Aiden. I'm late.
Not until you say yes.
I can't say yes!
Things have changed.
I've seen a different world.
A world without me in it?
Sorry.
I'm on my way
I feel OK
Oh, not now, Mr Norris.
Coming back to you
Know you love me, too
I'm homeward bound
I'm coming round
Cocking hell!
Dennis.
Sir.
I know that you're the one
The one, only one
That's why I'm coming back to you
Morning.
I'm on my way
Ow!
I feel OK
On my way
On my way ♪
And where is Miss Straw?
Erm she's on her way.
Beryl, kindly phone
Marcia Bell's agent.
Tell him we would like to offer
Miss Bell the part of Barbara
in Jim And Barbara.
It'd be my pleasure.
(GROANS)
So, so sorry, everyone. Still had
my watch set to Blackpool time.
Ooh.
Yes, erm
Welcome, everyone,
to this new Comedy Playhouse.
It's called Jim And Barbara.
It's written by Tony Holmes
and Bill Gardener.
Starring Clive Richardson,
of course,
and introducing Sophie Straw.
Hey.
(CLEARS THROAT)
If you do want me
Gimme little sugar
If you don't want me
Don't lead me on, girl
But if you need me
Show me that you love me
And when I'm feeling blue
And I want you
There's just one thing
That you should do
Just gimme some kind of sign, girl
Oh, my baby
To show me that you're mine, girl
Oh, yeah
Just gimme some kind of sign, girl
Oh, my darling
To show me that you're mine, girl
All right ♪
And lights fade on Barbara And Jim
on doorstep.
Music. End credits.
Thank you, everyone.
(ALL CLAP)
(CLOCK TICKS)
Beryl, put Marcia Bell on hold.
Can we take that
as a green light, sir?
I shall inform you
when I've made my decision.
Whatever happens,
thank you so much
for giving me this chance.
Oh, it was
What if old fucked-up Sargent
says no?
We've written it for her now.
She didn't shit up any of the jokes.
You know, plus,
we know Dennis likes her.
Did you see his face
when she hugged him?
Face? I could hardly see it
behind his enormous lob.
You are disgusting. Yeah.
You know, if she does get the part,
they'll have to find a way
to be a convincing couple.
Though I suppose,
as long as they can act, it'll be
- all right.
- You're the expert.
Oh, here we go.
Time to fuck with Tony.
Did June know
when she married you?
- Bill, mate, you're drunk.
- That's
when I'm at my most sparkling.
Fuck.
But what about the practical side?
Oh, Jesus, just leave it out!
It's none of your bleeding beeswax!
We're working on all that.
If this Comedy Playhouse
goes to series,
we're gonna have to get our normal
married couple facts from somewhere
and they sure as hell
aren't gonna be from me ducky.
All right, that's enough. Come on!
Bill, please.
- I need to lie down.
- Please.
(SIGHS)
Oh, fucking hell.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Oh, my God,
that's gonna be the landlord!
Quick, quick, quick! Quick!
Under here!
Why are we hiding?
Doesn't he have a key?
Just shut up and try and blend in
- with the lino.
- Sophie?
Are you in there?
Brian. What are you doing here?
Jesus Christ.
Has there been an earthquake?
Are there any survivors?
Er, Marjorie.
Good morning, Marjorie.
Er, please, take a seat.
Erm, mind the wonky leg.
I beg your pardon?
She means the chair.
Well
it seems you got the job.
(ALL SCREAM AND LAUGH)
We start rehearsals right away!
May I suggest that
with your first paycheque,
you get a telephone installed,
and perhaps a Flatley spin dryer.
(LAUGHS)
So, your first day.
Don't look so worried.
It's as easy as riding a bike.
Our director will be along shortly.
I thought Dennis was the director.
I wish.
Ted Sargent has insisted on Bert,
one of his safe pairs of hands,
to keep us in check.
Why do you wish Dennis
- was the director?
- You'll see.
The script is joke-free
and far too long
and we'll never shoot it
in an evening.
Everyone say a big hello
to Bert Redwood, our director.
Yeah, sorry, Bert,
that's Tony's fault,
he wrote all the long,
- non-funny bits.
- Right.
Well, I'm sure it'll scrub up nicely
with your experienced hands
at the helm, Bert.
Don't blame me if we're still stuck
here filming at midnight, Ma
Ma hatma
or however you pronounce your name.
It's Mahindra and you know that.
Mahindra, Mahatma, whatever.
Right, from the top!
(IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER)
Sophie Straw, I can't hear myself
think. Can you mime?
(IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER)
Not
Jesus!
You do the action, no sound.
Clive, you're on camera left,
you're on the telephone,
you're being dumped by Celia.
Cicely.
Who cares?
Sophie Straw, you're still cleaning,
but you're listening in
to that telephone call.
You just walked into a camera!
What?
(SIGHS)
On the night, there'll be four
ruddy great television cameras
pointed at you, and if you are
standing there, you're gonna be
on the cameraman's lap. Now,
much as he might enjoy it, dear,
it doesn't make good telly.
Sorry, Bert.
It just felt like
the right place to be.
It felt like the right place to
It felt like the
Do you know,
this isn't Hedda Gabler.
We're not plumbing
our emotional depths.
We are blocking a shitting sitcom!
Now, just stay
where I bloody well put you!
Not on the coat rack!
Maybe I could help here.
Bert, erm, when I'm on
the telephone, would it help
if perhaps I would be here
for Sophie
But we've actually got
a better line for her.
Mr Redwood
It feels a bit shallow.
Do you know what?
We may as well cut
the whole bloody scene!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Then it would be too short.
- And not very funny.
- Bit like Bert.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
Well, I suppose that's a wrap.
Let's reconvene tomorrow at
the studio for the dress rehearsal,
9am sharp. Oh, Sophie.
Er, the press department have
- organised an interview for you.
- Me?
Hi, I'm Diane Lewis,
- Cherry Magazine.
- Hi!
Well, shall we?
I've never done an interview before.
Well, judging by that rehearsal,
you can clearly hold your own.
Oh, my God. Bert got his pants
in a right old bunch!
Oh, don't write that down! I'll get
- - in trouble!
- Too late, it's in.
- Ohh!
I'm such a dippy-doodle!
It's fine, I was joking!
Oh.
So, have you ever read
Cherry Magazine?
Is it anything like Woman's Weekly?
It's for young girls,
so less knitting cakes for the WI
and more of the important issues
of the day,
like what clothes you wear,
who your boyfriend is
and what you cook for him.
You don't like your job, do you?
Oh.
I trained as a news reporter.
Really?
But it's taking a while
to get my foot in the door.
Right.
This is fun for now.
And I've gotta say,
I love the freebies.
And we get membership to places
like The Vaults Of St James.
The what of the what?
- It's a cool nightclub.
- Oh!
Like Talk Of The Town!
With fewer pensioners.
It's the hottest ticket in London.
You'd dig it.
Look, give me a ring some time
and I will take you there.
'Dearest Bubble. Work at the factory
is as action-packed as ever.
The sugar boiler went on the blink,
but we fixed it with a wingnut.
Home life is very quiet.'
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS)
'I can't wait to see you in action,
my love.
I've told Marie I'm going down
to a rock convention.
She thinks I'm joining
the Rolling Stones.
I'm bursting with pride,
got a smile on my face
and a spring in my step.
See you there.
Ying tong iddle I po!'
Here we are.
Sorry, can I just have a moment?
(LAUGHS QUIETLY)
(GASPS)
Is this all for me?
Yes.
Thanks again
for taking a chance on me.
Well, you'll be terrific.
You've really lifted the show.
I've always hoped to find
someone like you.
Comedy-wise, obviously.
Obviously.
Yes. Right, I'll leave you to it.
(GIGGLES)
(GIGGLES) Hm!
Ooh! (GROANS)
Does Bert really want me
to wear this?
He wants to show your shape, dear.
But I'm the cleaner.
Who mops floors
in a get-up like this?
It's a sitcom, not a Play For Today.
All right, what do you think?
Right.
Then Jim says,
"That's nearly a mouthful."
It's good.
Why doesn't it work?
Rhythm.
Try putting in a very there.
That's very nearly a mouthful.
That's very nearly
That's very nearly..a mouthful.
Well, that's very nearly a mouthful.
Again.
Oh, that's very nearly a mouthful.
That's
That's very nearly a mouthful!
That's very nearly a mouthful.
That's very nearly a mouthful.
That's very That's very nearly Holly.
- That's very nearly a mouthful.
- Mr
Mahindra, you're wanted in wardrobe.
Has something happened?
Yeah, the British Museum called.
They want that outfit back.
(LAUGHS)
Madam doesn't like her costume.
It's just when I watch a comedy,
the characters I like
have imperfections. They're real.
Night, George!
- Night, George.
- Night, George!
- Night, Pat.
- Don't stay too late!
Good night, ladies.
Be good.
If you can't be good, be careful.
Enjoy your day off!
(GROANS SOFTLY)
So, here we are.
(GASPS)
Sophie, welcome to the space.
Make sure that you have everything,
your props, et cetera, et cetera,
right where you want them.
This is your manor, mate,
as Bill and Tony would say.
When have you ever heard
either of us ever say that?
He thinks we're the fucking
pearly king and queen.
Ooh, what a perfect pear!
Ooh, cheeky!(BOTH LAUGH)
But, Soph, all of the fruit is fake.
Everything on this set is fake.
Including the lead actor.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, ha-ha!
Oh!
Not the face! Not the face!
- Some more fakery!
- All right,
children, thank you very much.
- Do not destroy the set.
- Sorry.
First positions. Thank you.
"Hello, boys and girls."Oh, Jesus!
Not, just Bert in the control room.
"Sophie Straw,
this is a dress rehearsal.
Why aren't you in costume?"
I am in costume, Bert.
That is not the costume
I had planned, Sophie Straw.
Sorry, Bert, that was my decision.
I'm not taking orders from a
From a what? Please, do continue.
Let's just run this wretched scene
from when Barbara comes in
with a vacuum cleaner. And trust me,
it won't be nearly as funny
now we can't see down her top.
OK, camera one, you're a slave
on Sophie. Show me what you've got.
See, now, that's funny.
That's funny.
(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS)
Right, first positions. Action!
Cicely, darling, look,
of course there is absolutely
no other woman in my life.
- Oh, Jim?
- Hm?
Do you want me to polish
your nick-nacks?
Nick-nacks has got two Ks in it,
it should be funny.
Maybe the logic's off.
Oh, this might sound rubbish,
but, erm, I could pick up
my feather duster and say,
"Jim, can I flick it
on your nick-nacks?"
"That's a good idea, Sophie.
Give it a go."
Three Ks, even better.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
I'll travel
Well, I might take a boat
or I'll take a plane
I might hitchhike
or jump a railroad train
Your kind of love
drives a man insane
So look for me walking
just any old way
(HUMS)
POSH ACCENT: Hello. I'm Cicely.
Oh, sorry, oh, you want me to be Jim?
What? Oh, hello!
I found this downstairs on the mat. Ooh.
I've never had a telegram before.
Well, I hope you're proud
of yourself.
First your mother
and now you abandoning him.
His poor heart can't take it.
Look, there's a train first thing
tomorrow morning. Be on it.
I can't come tomorrow, Aunty Marie.
"What do you mean you can't come?"
Well, I'll be letting
an awful lot of people down.
I'll come first thing Saturday.
Saturday?
- He might be dead by Saturday!
- But
Aunty Marie, you don't understand
(LINE GOES DEAD)
No!
Ohhh.
Oooh
It's time to go home
We've been out too long
So, baby
Let's go home ♪
AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk
strong language from the outset.'
(BURLESQUE MUSIC)
Sluts on stage
for the opening number!
Get your lazy arses up those stairs!
On stage, come on!
- All right, coming!
- Get moving!
Sluts on stage.
Come on!
(BURLESQUE MUSIC)
(LAUGHS) Look at her.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
I can't believe it!
You were cracking me up out there.
How does a nice girl like you
end up in a dump like this?
Oh, this is just a stop-gap.
How about you?
Ah, no stop-gaps for a sinner.
I got up the spout.
That's not a sin.
It is when you're a nun.
You can hide a lot under a habit,
but not twins.(GASPS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, they're gorgeous!
Here, you couldn't babysit,
- could you?
- What, now?
Yeah. I just live down the street.
There's a bald fella out front
I think will part with a few bob
for a quick hand shandy.
Darling
we've hit the jackpot.
Sir Bernard Beaumont, the theatrical
impresario, wants to meet you!
(GASPS) Really? Me?
- What did he say?
- That you've got a
great rack and he wants a threesome.
He'll pay double figures.
All we have to do is (WHISPERS)
Well, I'm not doing that,
no matter how much he pays!
Leave her alone, Ivy, you big doper.
She's not putting out
just so you can get your next fix.
Anyway, she's babysitting for me.
Don't do it, darling.
Those fucking twins
are worse than the Krays.
How dare you, you posh clit!
People! Stop it!
(ALL SCREAM)
Oi, oi, oi!
Oooh!
(GROANS)
Sorry.
You.
You're nothing but bloody trouble!
People come in here for an evening
of high-class entertainment,
not to watch you
fucking around with a fan!
- - High-class?
- Yes!
- Ha!
Glorified knocking shop, more like.
If you paid your girls properly,
they wouldn't have to
What? What?
to bash impresarios on the bumhole
with a meat mallet!
(ALL GASP)
You little bitch!
I'm gonna have you!
(ALL GASP)
Aghhh!
(ALL LAUGH)
Get the fuck out
and don't come back!
It's a sign of the times
That your love for me
is getting so much stronger
It's a sign of the times
And I know that
I won't have to wait much longer
You've changed a lot somehow
From the one I used to know
But when you hold me now
You feel like
you never wanna let me go ♪
Ohh, I despair.
That is another missed opportunity.
Sir Bernard Beaumont
is one of the top producers around.
Top pervert around.
I'm not going back.
(HUMS)
Brian, help me.
Brian. I need another job.
(GASPS) Are you still here?
I thought I heard
an annoying buzzing sound.
Beryl Charlton called
That's enough, Patsy.
Thank you very much.
I'll handle this.
Well, young lady, despite the fact
that you stole a script,
fabricated a pack of lies,
humiliated and intimidated a top
light-entertainment producer
they seem to want to
hear you ready.
Patsy, the script.
For the part of Cicely?
Actually, I went out on a limb and
suggested you for the part of Jim.
Of course Cicely,
- you stupid little idiot.
- But
Beryl Charlton said
they'd never cast anyone like me.
And if Beryl has anything
to do with it, they won't.
However, this Mahindra chap,
the producer,
he thought you had something.
Apart from bare-faced cheek.
- Ohh!
- Pull yourself together.
The audition's at two o'clock.
- Don't be late.
- Two o'clock.
Oh. (LAUGHS) Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Brian! Thank you.
All right.
Knock 'em dead, darling.
Oh, can I borrow a shilling
for my bus fare?
Don't doubt yourself, babe
Let your feet stand up
for your beliefs, babe
I know what's running
through your mind
You think you ought to capture time
Make love,
walk the straight and narrow
Ahh, ahh
Don't doubt yourself, gal
Let what's inside be your guide
You know darn well
For all the wrong
that's been done to you
Is making you prettier,
so don't be blue
The life you've lived
and what you've been through
You're lucky
Ahh, ahh
Don't doubt yourself ♪
Shit.
(DOOR BANGS)
Hiya!
Traffic was so bad,
I thought it was quicker to swim.
Erm, I owe you all an apology.
Especially you, Mr Mahindra.
What I did was wrong.
I'm truly sorry.
Erm, well, erm
apology, erm, accepted.
Erm, we'd like you to read
- some of the script.
- No problem.
Erm yes. Thank you.
(SIGHS)
Out loud.
Oh!
Sorry.
In fact, erm,
we'd like you, er,
to read it with Clive.
Yes, you see, erm (CLEARS THROAT)
this is what we call
a chemistry read.
And before Tony and Bill make some
asinine jokes about Bunsen burners,
a chemistry read is where we see
how we can work together.
Yes. So it's comic chemistry
we're looking at.
And also sexual chemistry. Crikey.
That's a lot to cram into
one test tube.
So why don't we start with the scene
where the characters
of Cicely and Jim are planning
the dinner party at home?
Should I read it in my voice
or Cicely's voice or
You know, I would love to hear her
read it in Cicely's voice.
If you can do RP.
Oh, silly That stands for,
er, really posh, Sophie.
Er, so, erm, interior flat.
Open on Jim.
His fiancee Cicely enters
looking for something.
Hello, darling. Can I help you?
I think I left my "hombug hair."
Er No, er,
"I think I left my handbag here."
Did you, Clive? I'm not one to judge.
I'll help you look for it later.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry, Clive. Sorry.
Can I have another crack at it?
What about scene ten
when Cicely tells Jim off
for forgetting to defrost
the rack of lamb?
Why don't we pretend this ball
is the meat?
So you're both panicking
because you're trying to defrost it
- in time for the boss.
- Water bottle
and a hairdryer works every time.
Not with chicken, though. Makes
- the giblets smell like shite.
- Oh.
Sorry, that's not very Cicely, is it?
Anyway, so Right.
They're here! I can hear them!
Quick, hide the meat!
Ooh! Jim!
This is no time for hanky-panky!
What? No, that's not the line.
Sorry, I did it again.
- I did it again.
- Look, pass it back.
Very good. (CLEARS THROAT)
Sorry.
They're coming! I can hear them!
Hide the meat!
Whoops!
What's going on?
- Aghhhh!
- Not the face! Not the face!
Not the face.
OK. Er, one more.
Very good, very good.
They're coming! I can hear them!
Quick, hide the meat!
This was supposed to be my
I'm not a performing seal!
Hide the meat!
Why? Are they vegetarian?
You're sort of playing my part.
Whoo!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, God.
What am I doing here?
- I keep playing the dame.
- The dame?
In what, panto?
I can hear them.
Hide the meat.
Ooh! (GROANS)
Ohhhh.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
Oh. Congratulations, Jim. (CHUCKLES)
Thank you so much, Sophie.
Could you please give us a moment
to chat?
(CLUCKS)
Would the audience really buy into
this relationship?
I mean, me and her?
Good point. They might wonder why
she's with such an arsehole.
She just needs to feed the lines
and-and-and look pretty.
Is that the sound of Emmeline
Pankhurst turning in her grave?
Sophie, can I have a word?
Regrettably
It's fine, forget it.
Erm I should've listened
to my Aunty Marie.
"Don't get big ideas, young lady.
Stick to being Miss Blackpool Belle.
Running off to London like"
Blackpool Belle?
So you're a beauty queen?
(DOOR SLAMS)
(CLATTERING)
On balance,
I decided to leave by the door
instead of the broom cupboard.
Erm, Sophie, erm,
what I was, er, going to say,
erm, is that, regretfully,
we don't get to make
the final decision, but
as far as we're concerned,
you're in the show.
Oh, God.
(SOBS)
No.
(SOBS)
No, please. Erm
(LAUGHS)
'Hang onto your hat, Dad.
Breaking news.
Who did I spy today?
Only the actual Captain Smyde
from The Awkward Squad!
And guess what.
He's much taller than he sounds
on the radio.'
Clive Richardson!
Yeah.
Well, she only glimpsed him,
apparently, in the corridor.
She's been to see where they do
all the comedy shows.
Like a guided tour?
Er Oh, she didn't say.
The doctor says he's got to take
better care of himself.
But does he listen? Does he heck!
How's that, Marie?
Ooh, that's lovely, Aiden.
Thank you.
And he says he cooks for himself,
but the other day,
I found him eating powdered soup
straight from the packet!
Ooh, you never did!
- I did!
- Ohh!
No!
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Ta-ra, love.
Oh, ta-ra, Betty.
How are you?
Oh, you know, keeping busy.
Stepping out with anyone?
Why, are you asking?(CHUCKLES)
I don't know what came over her.
I've half a mind to go to London
and bring her back myself.
Ta-ra, Aiden.
See you later.
(SIGHS)
I'm going to the Television Centre.
I'm meeting Ted Sargent, the head
- of light entertainment.
- Oooh!
Light entertainment. Five minutes
ago, you were prancing around
with tassels on your tits.
Oh, God, don't remind me.
Dennis, the producer,
is a real gentleman.
He says if this meeting goes well,
I've got the job!
That's great!
I'll finally get some rent!
Oh, God!
Oh, I'm so cocking nervous!
You? Nervous?
Don't be daft.
Although, I'd mind your language.
My future lies in one man's hands.
OK, then. In that case
here's a technique
I always find helpful.
When you get into this meeting,
you sit down,
you look this Ted Sargent fella
dead in the eye
and you imagine him
taking a great big shit.
- Morning, Sophie.
- Morning, Dennis.
Welcome.(GASPS)
Wow.
It's this way.
Should I be serious? A bit flirty?
What, now?
With Ted Sargent.
Oh!
Oh. Oh, gosh, no. No, no.
You won't, erm,
try one of your antics?
- Antics?
- You know, pretending
you've met someone you haven't or
No, Dennis, I promise,
I'll keep my trap shut
and agree with everything he says.
Well, actually, er,
he's rather suspicious
of people who he thinks are just
telling him what he wants to hear.
So no toadying.
- No toadying.
- Yeah.
- No flirting.
- No.
- - No antics.
- Yes.
- Got it.
Oh, God. I hope he says yes.
It's a good thing the writers
are awfully keen on you.
He surely won't want to lose
any more talent to the other side.
He hasn't quite got over
losing Hancock.
(GASPS) Is he the one
who lost Tony Hancock?
Yes, he was.
Although we don't want to mention
- any of that to Ted.
- No, no.
After you.
Good morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
So, Dennis, I gather the boys
have got it into their heads
to rejig the script
- to accommodate Miss Straw.
- Yes.
They'd like to make Cicely hail from
- Blackpool.
- That's where I come from.
- Ah.
- Yes. And we all rather like
the way that Sophie sounds.
We feel it brings something.
Sadly, not an audience.
Our esteemed casting director,
Beryl Charlton,
felt that Marcia Bell did a charming
audition and she has a profile.
So perhaps we can find a role
for Miss Straw another time.
Well, Marcia Bell is certainly one
- way we could go.
- The not funny way.
In my vast experience,
good looks and comic ability
rarely go hand-in-hand.
The girl is in a show
to be the voice of reason,
not to play the fool.
It's fine. I get it.
I'm a risk. And you don't want
another flop on your hands,
like that Foreign Matters.
I mean, I enjoyed it, but
Unfortunately, that show never quite
- found its audience.
- Oh, dear.
Were they hiding?
(CHUCKLES)
Dennis, I'm curious.
What makes you think I would allow
the reputation of the network
to rest on
the inexperienced shoulders
of a nobody from Liverpool?
- Nobody from Blackpool.
- Well, erm
Sophie's different.
And maybe people from Blackpool
would like to see themselves
represented on television.
Thanks, Dennis,
but Ted Sargent's right.
Just because ordinary working people
from the north might find it funny,
doesn't mean that
he should put me in the show.
And Bill, Tony and Clive
strike me as loyal.
They're hardly going to rush over
and do the show on the other side
like Tony Hancock did.
(CLEARS THROAT)
This weekend,
I shall fly to the Montreux Festival
with the Black And White Minstrels.
Oh, you sing and dance, as well!
Dennis Yes, sir?
I will give you 24 hours
to prepare a new script
with Miss Straw
before I depart to the airport.
I shall attend a read-through
tomorrow morning at 10am.
Yes. Very good, sir. Thank you.
24 hours.
So, we keep Jim as the posh boy
- politico.
- Uh-huh.
Went to public school, still votes
Labour, works at the Foreign Office.
Do we keep the boss
coming for dinner thing?
Can we change that?
It's so fucking trad.
It's a Trojan horse, you know that.
Tradition set-up,
we get to smuggle things
into the script.
So how does he meet Cicely,
the working-class northerner?
Slumming it down the pub?
Maybe he knocks her up.
Knocks her up?
I think you'll find he didn't.
My dad would burst a blood vessel.
Sophie, you're playing a character.
It's called acting.
You should try it some time, Clive.
You should try writing some time, Bill.
What are you, Tony, his little
- script monkey?
- Fuck off.
Couldn't I, my character,
work at Whitehall, too?
What, a a cleaner?
Actually,
what if she's Jim's cleaner?
Good. That's good, right, Tone?
And what if Jim has to pretend
that his cleaner is his fiancee?
Margaret. We'll call her Maggie.
No, I can't quite see that.
And she has to act all posh
and prepare a fancy meal.
Foie gras, tartare,
all that bollocks.
I'm crap in the kitchen.
I once managed to burn water.
We're having that line, thank you.
I like it, I like it. It's a good,
erm odd couple scenario.
Odd? Thanks, Dennis.
Dennis thinks anyone's odd
who hasn't been to Cambridge.
Yes, actually, I do.
Come on, we need a name.
Now, Sophie what comes to mind
when you think of Blackpool?
Dirt and ferrets.
Working down the pit?
Dysentery.
- Clogs!
- We're writing a sitcom,
not a Ken Loach drama.
What does go with a regular woman
from Blackpool?
A stick of rock
and a sense of bitter disappointment?
What about Doris?
What is she, 90?
So, call time for the reading
with Ted Sargent tomorrow is 9:45am.
Now, it is essential that everyone
gets an early night, Bill.
Sophie's character still hasn't got
- a name.
- Just keep thinking.
You'll come up with something good.
Erm, so, any last-minute changes
we'll do by hand in the morning.
- All right?
- Does it even matter
what she's called?
What is wrong with Doris?
I'm sorry to be an arse,
but I do feel that
Actually, can we change Clive's
character's name from Jim
to Hugh Jarse? Or shall we do it
by hand in the morning?
Look, I am basically
doing everyone a favour
turning up to this read-through
tomorrow,
so a little bit of respect
would be quite nice.
Bill, has anyone ever refused
to read for Ted Sargent?
Yeah, that actor Reggie Lake.
He didn't turn up to a Ted Sargent
- read-through.
- Who's Reggie Lake?
Exactly.
Oh. Right.
Barbara.
What?
It's got a good rhythm to it.
Barbara from Blackpool.
All right, we've got the name.
Can we please change the title?
Dining In?
Let's call it Barbara And Jim.
Yeah. No, I like it.
Jim And Barbara.
Night, Soph.
Very good, Tony. Very good.
Hi.
Evening.
Aiden!
What are you doing here?
I'm making a romantic gesture.
Well, you better come up.
- I've missed you so much!
- Shh! Keep
it down! You'll wake my flatmate.
(SNORES)
Aiden!
Have you been drinking?
Well, I needed some Dutch courage.
It gave me the shock of my life,
you leaving.
I just assumed
it'd be you and me forever.
Maybe you should've asked me what
- I wanted.
- I've had time to think.
I'm willing to give you
another chance.
Come back with me, Barbara.
I can offer you more than this.
I inherited the business. I can
put down a deposit on a bungalow.
I don't want a bungalow.
I've got the chance to do something
that I've always wanted to do.
Be on the telly in a comedy show.
Love,
you're living in a fantasy land.
You're a pretty lass an' that,
but people like us don't get on TV.
It could all change tomorrow.
How long you gonna go on Shh!
No, I mean it really could
all change tomorrow.
I know I did this once before,
but I'm gonna do it again.
Better.
I love you, Barbara.
I wanna grow old with you.
Will you do me the honour
of becoming my wife?
(SIGHS)
Easy, love, easy, easy.
I've just had a pickled onion.
(GROANS)
Shh.
Oh! Oh!
(LAMP CLATTERS)
Shh!
(BOTH LAUGH)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(GASPS)
(GASPS)
Morning, love. I made you breakfast.
Like a modern fella.
(GASPS) Fucking hell!
What time is it?
Good morning!
Morning.
Ah. Where is Her Ladyship? Hm?
In the bog?
Trowelling on the war paint?
She knows she's gotta be here
by 9:45, right?
I'm saying nothing.
(COUGHS)
Should've hired a professional.
I have to go, Aiden. I'm late.
Not until you say yes.
I can't say yes!
Things have changed.
I've seen a different world.
A world without me in it?
Sorry.
I'm on my way
I feel OK
Oh, not now, Mr Norris.
Coming back to you
Know you love me, too
I'm homeward bound
I'm coming round
Cocking hell!
Dennis.
Sir.
I know that you're the one
The one, only one
That's why I'm coming back to you
Morning.
I'm on my way
Ow!
I feel OK
On my way
On my way ♪
And where is Miss Straw?
Erm she's on her way.
Beryl, kindly phone
Marcia Bell's agent.
Tell him we would like to offer
Miss Bell the part of Barbara
in Jim And Barbara.
It'd be my pleasure.
(GROANS)
So, so sorry, everyone. Still had
my watch set to Blackpool time.
Ooh.
Yes, erm
Welcome, everyone,
to this new Comedy Playhouse.
It's called Jim And Barbara.
It's written by Tony Holmes
and Bill Gardener.
Starring Clive Richardson,
of course,
and introducing Sophie Straw.
Hey.
(CLEARS THROAT)
If you do want me
Gimme little sugar
If you don't want me
Don't lead me on, girl
But if you need me
Show me that you love me
And when I'm feeling blue
And I want you
There's just one thing
That you should do
Just gimme some kind of sign, girl
Oh, my baby
To show me that you're mine, girl
Oh, yeah
Just gimme some kind of sign, girl
Oh, my darling
To show me that you're mine, girl
All right ♪
And lights fade on Barbara And Jim
on doorstep.
Music. End credits.
Thank you, everyone.
(ALL CLAP)
(CLOCK TICKS)
Beryl, put Marcia Bell on hold.
Can we take that
as a green light, sir?
I shall inform you
when I've made my decision.
Whatever happens,
thank you so much
for giving me this chance.
Oh, it was
What if old fucked-up Sargent
says no?
We've written it for her now.
She didn't shit up any of the jokes.
You know, plus,
we know Dennis likes her.
Did you see his face
when she hugged him?
Face? I could hardly see it
behind his enormous lob.
You are disgusting. Yeah.
You know, if she does get the part,
they'll have to find a way
to be a convincing couple.
Though I suppose,
as long as they can act, it'll be
- all right.
- You're the expert.
Oh, here we go.
Time to fuck with Tony.
Did June know
when she married you?
- Bill, mate, you're drunk.
- That's
when I'm at my most sparkling.
Fuck.
But what about the practical side?
Oh, Jesus, just leave it out!
It's none of your bleeding beeswax!
We're working on all that.
If this Comedy Playhouse
goes to series,
we're gonna have to get our normal
married couple facts from somewhere
and they sure as hell
aren't gonna be from me ducky.
All right, that's enough. Come on!
Bill, please.
- I need to lie down.
- Please.
(SIGHS)
Oh, fucking hell.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Oh, my God,
that's gonna be the landlord!
Quick, quick, quick! Quick!
Under here!
Why are we hiding?
Doesn't he have a key?
Just shut up and try and blend in
- with the lino.
- Sophie?
Are you in there?
Brian. What are you doing here?
Jesus Christ.
Has there been an earthquake?
Are there any survivors?
Er, Marjorie.
Good morning, Marjorie.
Er, please, take a seat.
Erm, mind the wonky leg.
I beg your pardon?
She means the chair.
Well
it seems you got the job.
(ALL SCREAM AND LAUGH)
We start rehearsals right away!
May I suggest that
with your first paycheque,
you get a telephone installed,
and perhaps a Flatley spin dryer.
(LAUGHS)
So, your first day.
Don't look so worried.
It's as easy as riding a bike.
Our director will be along shortly.
I thought Dennis was the director.
I wish.
Ted Sargent has insisted on Bert,
one of his safe pairs of hands,
to keep us in check.
Why do you wish Dennis
- was the director?
- You'll see.
The script is joke-free
and far too long
and we'll never shoot it
in an evening.
Everyone say a big hello
to Bert Redwood, our director.
Yeah, sorry, Bert,
that's Tony's fault,
he wrote all the long,
- non-funny bits.
- Right.
Well, I'm sure it'll scrub up nicely
with your experienced hands
at the helm, Bert.
Don't blame me if we're still stuck
here filming at midnight, Ma
Ma hatma
or however you pronounce your name.
It's Mahindra and you know that.
Mahindra, Mahatma, whatever.
Right, from the top!
(IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER)
Sophie Straw, I can't hear myself
think. Can you mime?
(IMITATES VACUUM CLEANER)
Not
Jesus!
You do the action, no sound.
Clive, you're on camera left,
you're on the telephone,
you're being dumped by Celia.
Cicely.
Who cares?
Sophie Straw, you're still cleaning,
but you're listening in
to that telephone call.
You just walked into a camera!
What?
(SIGHS)
On the night, there'll be four
ruddy great television cameras
pointed at you, and if you are
standing there, you're gonna be
on the cameraman's lap. Now,
much as he might enjoy it, dear,
it doesn't make good telly.
Sorry, Bert.
It just felt like
the right place to be.
It felt like the right place to
It felt like the
Do you know,
this isn't Hedda Gabler.
We're not plumbing
our emotional depths.
We are blocking a shitting sitcom!
Now, just stay
where I bloody well put you!
Not on the coat rack!
Maybe I could help here.
Bert, erm, when I'm on
the telephone, would it help
if perhaps I would be here
for Sophie
But we've actually got
a better line for her.
Mr Redwood
It feels a bit shallow.
Do you know what?
We may as well cut
the whole bloody scene!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Then it would be too short.
- And not very funny.
- Bit like Bert.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
Well, I suppose that's a wrap.
Let's reconvene tomorrow at
the studio for the dress rehearsal,
9am sharp. Oh, Sophie.
Er, the press department have
- organised an interview for you.
- Me?
Hi, I'm Diane Lewis,
- Cherry Magazine.
- Hi!
Well, shall we?
I've never done an interview before.
Well, judging by that rehearsal,
you can clearly hold your own.
Oh, my God. Bert got his pants
in a right old bunch!
Oh, don't write that down! I'll get
- - in trouble!
- Too late, it's in.
- Ohh!
I'm such a dippy-doodle!
It's fine, I was joking!
Oh.
So, have you ever read
Cherry Magazine?
Is it anything like Woman's Weekly?
It's for young girls,
so less knitting cakes for the WI
and more of the important issues
of the day,
like what clothes you wear,
who your boyfriend is
and what you cook for him.
You don't like your job, do you?
Oh.
I trained as a news reporter.
Really?
But it's taking a while
to get my foot in the door.
Right.
This is fun for now.
And I've gotta say,
I love the freebies.
And we get membership to places
like The Vaults Of St James.
The what of the what?
- It's a cool nightclub.
- Oh!
Like Talk Of The Town!
With fewer pensioners.
It's the hottest ticket in London.
You'd dig it.
Look, give me a ring some time
and I will take you there.
'Dearest Bubble. Work at the factory
is as action-packed as ever.
The sugar boiler went on the blink,
but we fixed it with a wingnut.
Home life is very quiet.'
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS)
'I can't wait to see you in action,
my love.
I've told Marie I'm going down
to a rock convention.
She thinks I'm joining
the Rolling Stones.
I'm bursting with pride,
got a smile on my face
and a spring in my step.
See you there.
Ying tong iddle I po!'
Here we are.
Sorry, can I just have a moment?
(LAUGHS QUIETLY)
(GASPS)
Is this all for me?
Yes.
Thanks again
for taking a chance on me.
Well, you'll be terrific.
You've really lifted the show.
I've always hoped to find
someone like you.
Comedy-wise, obviously.
Obviously.
Yes. Right, I'll leave you to it.
(GIGGLES)
(GIGGLES) Hm!
Ooh! (GROANS)
Does Bert really want me
to wear this?
He wants to show your shape, dear.
But I'm the cleaner.
Who mops floors
in a get-up like this?
It's a sitcom, not a Play For Today.
All right, what do you think?
Right.
Then Jim says,
"That's nearly a mouthful."
It's good.
Why doesn't it work?
Rhythm.
Try putting in a very there.
That's very nearly a mouthful.
That's very nearly
That's very nearly..a mouthful.
Well, that's very nearly a mouthful.
Again.
Oh, that's very nearly a mouthful.
That's
That's very nearly a mouthful!
That's very nearly a mouthful.
That's very nearly a mouthful.
That's very That's very nearly Holly.
- That's very nearly a mouthful.
- Mr
Mahindra, you're wanted in wardrobe.
Has something happened?
Yeah, the British Museum called.
They want that outfit back.
(LAUGHS)
Madam doesn't like her costume.
It's just when I watch a comedy,
the characters I like
have imperfections. They're real.
Night, George!
- Night, George.
- Night, George!
- Night, Pat.
- Don't stay too late!
Good night, ladies.
Be good.
If you can't be good, be careful.
Enjoy your day off!
(GROANS SOFTLY)
So, here we are.
(GASPS)
Sophie, welcome to the space.
Make sure that you have everything,
your props, et cetera, et cetera,
right where you want them.
This is your manor, mate,
as Bill and Tony would say.
When have you ever heard
either of us ever say that?
He thinks we're the fucking
pearly king and queen.
Ooh, what a perfect pear!
Ooh, cheeky!(BOTH LAUGH)
But, Soph, all of the fruit is fake.
Everything on this set is fake.
Including the lead actor.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, ha-ha!
Oh!
Not the face! Not the face!
- Some more fakery!
- All right,
children, thank you very much.
- Do not destroy the set.
- Sorry.
First positions. Thank you.
"Hello, boys and girls."Oh, Jesus!
Not, just Bert in the control room.
"Sophie Straw,
this is a dress rehearsal.
Why aren't you in costume?"
I am in costume, Bert.
That is not the costume
I had planned, Sophie Straw.
Sorry, Bert, that was my decision.
I'm not taking orders from a
From a what? Please, do continue.
Let's just run this wretched scene
from when Barbara comes in
with a vacuum cleaner. And trust me,
it won't be nearly as funny
now we can't see down her top.
OK, camera one, you're a slave
on Sophie. Show me what you've got.
See, now, that's funny.
That's funny.
(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS)
Right, first positions. Action!
Cicely, darling, look,
of course there is absolutely
no other woman in my life.
- Oh, Jim?
- Hm?
Do you want me to polish
your nick-nacks?
Nick-nacks has got two Ks in it,
it should be funny.
Maybe the logic's off.
Oh, this might sound rubbish,
but, erm, I could pick up
my feather duster and say,
"Jim, can I flick it
on your nick-nacks?"
"That's a good idea, Sophie.
Give it a go."
Three Ks, even better.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
I'll travel
Well, I might take a boat
or I'll take a plane
I might hitchhike
or jump a railroad train
Your kind of love
drives a man insane
So look for me walking
just any old way
(HUMS)
POSH ACCENT: Hello. I'm Cicely.
Oh, sorry, oh, you want me to be Jim?
What? Oh, hello!
I found this downstairs on the mat. Ooh.
I've never had a telegram before.
Well, I hope you're proud
of yourself.
First your mother
and now you abandoning him.
His poor heart can't take it.
Look, there's a train first thing
tomorrow morning. Be on it.
I can't come tomorrow, Aunty Marie.
"What do you mean you can't come?"
Well, I'll be letting
an awful lot of people down.
I'll come first thing Saturday.
Saturday?
- He might be dead by Saturday!
- But
Aunty Marie, you don't understand
(LINE GOES DEAD)
No!
Ohhh.
Oooh
It's time to go home
We've been out too long
So, baby
Let's go home ♪
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