Futurama s01e02 Episode Script

As new employees, give your opinion on our commercial.
I've paid to air it during Super Bowl.
- Wow.
- Not on the same channel, of course.
Interplanetary delivery's a headache.
Evans, where's the package from Earth? Uh I'm not Evans! He should have used Planet Express! When companies aren't brave or foolhardy trust Planet Express for reliable delivery.
Your package, Mr.
Horrible Gelatinous Blob.
Good work, Evans.
You've got a future around here.
Thank you, sir.
Our crew's replaceable.
Your package isn't.
- Are there really giant birds? - No, that was all special effects.
Now let's have breakfast.
I hope everyone likes eggs.
Episode Two: The Series Has Landed I can't get used to the 31 st century.
Caffeinated bacon.
Baconated grapefruit.
Admiral Crunch? If you don't like that, try Archduke Chocula.
Ah, Hermes! Crew, meet Hermes Conrad.
He manages my delivery business, pays the bills notifies next of kin, what have you.
Someone dropped off this package.
Which of you is the captain? Oh, my.
I haven't picked a new captain yet.
It's always so hard to choose.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! - You! - Oh! This is just a standard legal release protecting Planet Express from lawsuits in event of the unforseen.
"Death by airlock failure.
" "Death by brain parasite.
" - "By sonic diarrhea.
" - You don't want that.
I don't know about previous captains but I intend to do as little dying as possible.
Sign the paper.
Now, Fry, before you go into space, you'll need to see our staff doctor.
I should warn you, though.
He's a little unusual.
He wears sandals.
Dr.
Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery boy.
He needs a physical.
Excellent.
Excellent.
You'll be fine.
Open your mouth and let's look at that brain.
No, no, not that mouth.
I only have one.
Really? - Is there a human doctor around? - Young lady, I'm an expert on humans.
Pick a mouth, open it and say- Uh What?! My mother was a saint! Get out! Lord, Bender, you're filthy.
Like you don't have crap in your neck.
Amy, give his body a going-over with the cleaning pick.
Okay.
Does it hurt when I go like this? Ow! A little.
The doctor says I'm healthy.
Can I go into space now? As soon as we finish cleaning Bender.
This is our intern, Amy Wong.
She's an engineering student of mine.
I like having her around.
She's the same blood type as me.
Hey, you're the unfrozen guy from the 20th century, right? Last time I checked.
Hang on.
Amy Wong? Of the Mars Wongs? Look, we're not as rich as everybody says.
- What's your sorority? - Kappa Kappa Wong.
Hey, rich girl, look over here! It's me, Bender.
I'm being entertaining.
La-la-la, look at my head! It's all painted, look at my head! I got a big old head, and hey, ho! Show's over, I'm tired.
Ah, to be young again and also a robot.
I recall you youngsters have a package to deliver.
Finally! Come on, Bender.
Let's mosey.
Nice catch, idiot.
- Where are we going? - Nowhere special.
The moon.
The moon? The moon moon? Wow! I'll be a famous hero.
Like Neil Armstrong and other guys no one's heard of! I love stuff like the moon.
Can I come? Well, I guess so.
Be careful.
I'd like to hold off any major screwups until at least my second day.
Nothing will go wrong.
If something goes wrong, bring back the blood.
- Can I do the countdown? - Sure.
Knock yourself out.
-10, 9- - Okay, we're here.
- Hurry! I want to see the moon! - Relax, it's open till 9.
That's one small step for Fry- And one giant line for admission.
Can I have cuts? No.
You won't believe it.
There's an amusement park on the moon! It's the happiest place orbiting Earth.
- Let's go already.
- We have a crate to deliver.
Let's dump it and say we delivered it.
Too much work.
Let's burn it and say we dumped it.
- If everyone's finished being stupid- - I had more, but you go ahead.
We'll deliver that crate like professionals.
I've never been to the moon.
All right, we'll deliver that crate like professionals then we'll ride the bumper cars.
Amy, help Fry hoist the crate, then lock up when you're done.
Be careful.
Aye, aye, captain.
I mean, Only One Eye.
I mean, yes, sir.
Ma'am.
- Clear? - Clear.
- Ready to hoist? - Ready.
Ow! My first space delivery.
Greetings, Moon Man.
We come in peace.
I am Fry, from the planet Earth.
Wise guy.
If I wasn't so lazy, I'd punch you in the stomach.
- But you are lazy, right? - Oh, don't get me started.
Hi! I'm Crater Face! Welcome to Luna Park! I'll have to confiscate your alcohol.
Better mascots than you have tried.
I still have my self-respect.
Who buys this trash? Idiots who need gifts for other idiots.
I got you guys refrigerator magnets! Get it off! Get it off! Get it- Uh-oh! How many roads must a man walk down Before you Keep those things off of me.
Magnets screw up my inhibition unit.
So you flip out and act like a crazy folk singer? Yes.
I guess a robot would have to be crazy to want to be a folk singer.
We're whalers on the moon We carry a harpoon There ain't no whales so we tell tall tales and sing a whaling tune Bender! Bender! Over here! Oh, jeez.
I went to high school with that guy.
Monsanto presents "The Goophy Gopher Revue!" Why does moon rock taste better than Earth rock? Because it's a little meatier.
This is weak.
Address all complaints to the Monsanto Corporation.
What's wrong? I don't know.
This place is great, but it's so artificial.
The gravity, the air, the gophers.
You might as well stay on Earth.
That's what I came to see! I want to jump like an astronaut.
Screw this phony stuff.
But the phony stuff is fun.
It's boring out there.
You're the kind of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn't see the Sexeteria.
Maybe I'll take Fry on the lunar rover ride.
You wear a spacesuit and drive around.
It's educational, so no line.
I don't care how educational it is.
Let's do it! Next year in Jerusalem! Finally.
Get ready for some serious moon action.
The story of lunar exploration started with one man: A man with a dream.
One of these days, Alice! Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon! Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat.
That's no astronaut.
It's a TV comedian.
He used space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife.
Wow! I could swear I was really playing Virtual Skeeball! Look, it's that crate we were gonna throw in the sewer.
The keys to the ship! They must have fallen into the crate.
- Leela's gonna kill me.
- No, she'll probably make me do it.
Could you get those keys out for me? What do I look like, a guy who's not lazy? No one knows where, when or how man first landed on the moon.
- I do.
- But our fun-gineers think it might've happened something like this: We're whalers on the moon We carry a harpoon There ain't no whales so we tell tall tales and sing a whaling tune That's not how it happened.
I don't see you with a fun-gineering degree.
This is stupid.
I'll take this out to the real moon.
This is my first mission, and I won't let us get in any trouble.
- Besides, the car's on a track.
- Not for long.
I died doing what I loved.
Okay, you're on the surface.
I'll give you 10 minutes.
You'll get bored, turn around and apologize for being a jerk.
- Agreed.
- Agreed.
Yee-haw! Whoo! Yeah! Crank up the radio! We're whalers on the- Time's up.
Make a U-turn at the next crater.
How about we look for the original moon landing site? That's crazy.
- It's been lost for centuries.
- Well, I'm feeling lucky.
Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Uh I'm ready to go back now.
We're gonna die! It's every man for himself! Help me, Leela! You did it.
We're safe.
No.
Now we're gonna die.
It's every man for himself! - I won this from a tourist's pocket.
- Shut up! You're distracting me! Come on, it's just like making love.
You know, left, down, rotate 62 degrees, engage rotor.
I know how to make love.
Oh! Here, let me do it.
Uh Ee Lousy arm.
Must be rigged.
That's her, officers! That's the woman who programmed me for evil! Yeah, well, I'm gonna go build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers.
In fact, forget the park.
I'm sorry, Leela.
I can't go on any further.
Just leave me in that barn over there.
Thank God! - Trespassers, eh? - No, we're amusement park patrons.
That's a wicked, sinful place.
Tilt-A-Whirl's okay, but the rest is mighty wicked.
We're out of oxygen.
Can we borrow some? Borrow? Looky here, city girl.
Oxygen don't grow on trees.
You'll earn it doing chores on my hydroponic farm.
You can go back to your theme park at sunup.
We could do chores for a few hours.
Night lasts two weeks on the moon.
Yep.
Drops down to minus 173.
Fahrenheit or Celsius? First one, then the other.
Them spacesuits ain't heated.
You're going nowhere till sunrise.
Sleep in the barn.
Just don't be a-touching my three beautiful robot daughters, you hear? Robot daughters? - This here is Lulabelle Seven.
- Yoo-hoo! - Daisy Mae 128K.
- Yoo-hoo! And the Crush-A-Nator! Yoo-hoo.
Whoo.
I said to turn around and go back to the park.
But the park was too phony.
We had to see the real moon.
It was great! We saw craters and rocks.
That incredible rock that looked like a crater, and these fellas.
Face it.
The moon's a dump.
A boring, dried-up wasteland.
The only reason people come is for the tacky amusement park.
- Can't you accept that? - I guess I can't.
I'll learn you to sleep with my robot daughters! - He'll never find me in here! - Bender? You didn't touch the Crush-A-Nator, did you? Of course not.
A lady that fine, you gotta romance first.
No, you don't! Come here, Crush-A-Nator! Yes, Pa.
- It's too low! - Hang on.
Hang on.
Jump! Hold on to your helmet! - Yes! - Oh, boy! Goldarn it, Crush-A-Nator! Jump! No, Pa.
I love him.
Oh! Hey, cool! Dark side of the moon.
Nightfall's coming.
- Hurry, before we freeze! - What do you mean "we," mammal? Oh, dear.
I really ought to do something.
But I am already in my pajamas.
We can't outrun it forever.
Over there! Look! It's the moon landing site! We found it! Quick, get in.
It's that flag from MTV! And Neil Armstrong's footprint! My foot's bigger.
Isn't this the greatest thing you've ever seen? Look around.
A crummy plastic flag and a dead man's tracks in the dust.
Now get in here before you freeze.
Oh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine.
I'll build my own lunar lander, with blackjack and hookers.
In fact, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack.
Screw the whole thing.
If the oxygen holds out, we might live long enough to starve to death.
I'm sorry.
I never should have dragged you out here.
You shouldn't have.
I still don't get what the big attraction is.
I never told anybody this but I'd look at the moon and dream of being an astronaut.
I didn't have the grades, nor physical endurance.
Plus, nobody liked spending a week with me.
A week would be a little much.
The moon was this awesome, mysterious thing hanging in the sky where you'd never reach it, no matter how much you wanted to.
You're right.
Once you're actually here, it's just a big, dull rock.
I wanted you to see it through my eyes, the way I used to.
Fry, look.
It really is beautiful.
I don't know why I never noticed before.
You had to come back for the Crush-A-Nator.
Well, I got you this time.
It's Amy! We're saved! Where did she learn to operate the controls like that? Not the magnet! No! No! No! Uh-oh.
She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes I'll kill you, Amy! She'll be coming around the mountain She'll be coming around the mountain Dang it! She'll be riding six white horses When she comes She'll be riding six white horses When she comes I'm pretty good.
She'll be riding So, was the real moon anything like the moon you used to dream about? Well, close enough.
One more time!