GBH (1991) s01e02 Episode Script

1 "I grow old, I grow old.
"I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
"Shall I part my hair behind? "Do I dare to eat a peach? "I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk upon the beach.
" Stay! "I am Lazarus, come from the dead, "Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all.
"If one, settling a pillow by her head, should say, "'That is not what I meant at all.
"'That is not it, at all.
"' It's my turn now.
My turn.
Get out, Mr Weller.
Go on, get out! It's my turn now, Mr Weller.
My turn.
You do want to please me, don't you, Michael? Ahhh! I'm going to thrash you to within an inch of your life! No, stop it! Don't! You're hurting me, sir! Don't hurt me, sir! You miserable, snivelling wretch! You're hurting me! No, sir, stop! "Damaged.
"Disturbed.
"Malignant influence.
" Malignant! "Scarf in hand.
" No, no! "In my humble opinion " Huh.
"Institutionalised.
" Who Who's there? You little animal, Michael Murray! Mr Murray.
Michael.
That were the best speech I've heard in years last night.
- You were there, then? - Aye.
It was my wife what kissed you on the town hall steps.
Very nice place to be kissed, the town hall steps! - You do remember her, don't you? - Oh, I do, I do.
I can still taste the port and lemon! They don't seem to be listening.
Not to the likes of us.
Actions speak louder.
They might have no option but to hear us.
It was still a great speech, Michael.
Just like the kind your dad used to make.
I knew your father, you know.
Well, I did.
- You know where I want to go next.
- What did he want? The usual adulation.
Said he knew my father.
Did he know mine, as well? More than likely.
Mr Weller.
Mr Weller, did you see who I was ta Mr Weller.
Park where she can't see me, Franky.
I want this to be a surprise.
Pass my necklace, Franky.
Drink? Oh, fuckin' hell.
I have something for the mother of Michael Murray.
Oh-ho-ho, Mikey! "Absque labore nihil.
" Mother, "nothing without labour".
Your father would've been proud.
And they marched, brothers, they marched.
Not for money norjobs, but they marched in silence against this system, which praises the dead and condemns the living to misery and starvation! - That's the one.
Book her, Terry.
- OK, boss.
No problem.
So don't let anybody say in future, ladies and gentlemen, this council isn't green.
You want me to water that? - Lunch tomorrow, Michael? - Yeah, good idea, Pete.
Er, there's a good restaurant opened next door to the bank, you know what I mean? Hey.
- All those in favour.
- Aye.
Good.
Very good.
Before we announce it, are we sure we can build that number of council houses? Yes, Stan, it's essential.
The community's crying out.
Forget about trying to get their hearts and minds, Stan, give people a house in this city and they'll be ours forever.
Yes, but what kind of people? - Meaning what? - I've nothing against blacks and Asians.
But it seems to me, and a lot of people, that they're getting more than their fair share.
You look after your own first.
- They are our own.
- Very good, yeah, yeah! Too right.
This is it, all right? Morning.
Ladies.
All right, ladies? Stay.
Surely you must've expected some changes to take place now we've come to power.
Oh, I agree with some of the changes, Mr Murray.
Who wouldn't agree with an increase in facilities, in staff and in finances? But I must question the qualifications of Mr Terence Ashcroft Terry, you were a junior advisor in the Welfare Department until recently, weren't you? And you empty my bins, don't you, Mr Cartwright? Only of a Thursday and not every week.
He's a democratically elected councillor, Mr Hunningdon.
Nearly finished my Open University course.
Yes, they all call him Rita in work.
Nevertheless I think our Director of Education needs educating, Joey.
About elitism, for a start.
Being told that I have to have someone desperately under-qualified as my deputy and a bin man as Chairman of Education has more to do with stupidity than elitism, Mr Murray.
Well, it seems we're going to have to convince you of our strengths.
One way or another.
And that brings us to "any other business" and I don't think there's any more of that.
Oh, of course.
Ah.
Can't leave without considering the fate of Mr Weller, can we? I popped in to see him, actually.
He hasn't changed much.
- Matthew Weller? - Mm.
I do believe it must be.
Once upon a time Are we all sitting comfortably? Once upon a time he tried to destroy me.
It can't be the same Mr Weller.
It is.
Oh, it is.
But it's my turn now.
My turn.
This is what I want you to do.
Find him a loony school.
Put him in that loony school.
Find the looniest class in that loony school and make him teach those loonies.
Do it.
Put him where he tried to put me.
Put him with the loonies.
Apart from the sheer offence of calling those children what you've just called them, there is no headmaster in this city whose reputation stands higher than Weller.
His is the best, the very best-run school.
Acknowledged by Her Majesty's Inspectors and his fellow headmasters.
Good.
He can have the Nobel Prize, but he's going where I'm putting him.
No.
No, I won't do it.
It's unfair and cruel, arbitrary, personal and vindictive.
Remind me again, are there one or two Ns in Hunningdon, Mr Hunningdon? Three.
Four.
Good.
Very good.
Weller's still going.
Therefore, in that case so am I.
You? You're 53, Hunningdon.
Where do you think you're going at that age? Offhand, I think I'm going home to inform my wife that I've just resigned my position.
Tomorrow I will consider putting my reasonably substantial house on the market with a view to living within my future means.
Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, and with all due disrespect, why don't you get someone else to do your inexorable dirty work? You and Weller part of that funny handshake business, is that what it is? All freemasons together? No, no, Mr Murray.
I think that Mr Weller and I are part of that funny decency and freedom business.
And, on all sides, it appears to be going out of business.
Good evening.
Well, that worked a treat, didn't it? Terry, why don't you try his chair out for size, eh? To know, Michael, to know the time and place.
To know that on Wednesday you have games and on Thursday you die.
I don't want to die, Eileen.
Get in there, Eileen.
In there now.
- Do you understand me? Do you? - Yes, Father.
There are always consequences to your actions.
- But, Father - Always.
- Yes, Father.
- Yes, Father.
I promise you, I won't play with him ever again after today.
Good.
Only, I did promise him that I would play with him today and you shouldn't break promises, should you, or there might be consequences.
You will play with me again, won't you, Eileen? Always, Michael, always.
- What are consequences? - Things.
This is much more exciting.
- Ruth thingy.
- Ruth Ellis, the Mews murderess.
The last long walk to the gallows, it's going to happen, Michael, at nine o'clock exactly.
We know the future.
Well, I hope you all enjoyed that.
And now hymn number 275.
"Brief Life Is Here Our Portion, Brief Sorrow Short Lived Care.
" - Thank you, Michael.
- What for? You'll find out.
Tell me now, please tell me now! - Michael Murray, be quiet, boy! - Michael Murray! What in God's name are you doing, boy?! You crazy boy! Have you gone mad?! Right, boys, onward.
Evening.
- Excuse me, Mr Murray, a word in you ear.
- As long as you don't blow in it.
- Mr Mervyn Sloan wants to meet you.
- Mervyn Sloan.
Greatness calls me, boys! Where? When? Tell me more.
I'm picking you up at your place at nine o'clock, as long as that's fine with you.
Fishes in the sea, fishes in the sea.
We all jump up You athlete! At interview, you told me your hobbies were origami and Bible reading.
- I never.
- And Boy Scouts.
Sir, sir, please, sir! Sir, sir! - Robby Burns! - Sir, please! Out, boy, out.
Go back out, knock and wait.
Enter.
- Sir, sir, please, sir! - What is it? There's a man in the school, sir, an old man with a cane, sir, looking for you, I think, sir! Says he wants the headmaster, but he's not very happy, sir.
- Where is he? - I don't know.
I ran ahead cos I knew where you were! There he is, sir! Oh, the headmaster or or headmistress? - Mr Weller.
- Oh, you were expecting me? No, I just know who you are.
I'm Jim Nelson, the headmaster.
I was a headmaster most recently somewhere else.
- And here I am, at your humble service.
- Whatever's happened? You will be told in due course, Mr Nelson, although you may not be told the truth.
The truth and Michael Murray make strange bedfellows.
But since you weren't expecting me, I I've been none too well.
I I just thought I'd I just thought I'd show myself.
Well here I am at your humble Mr Weller what do you want done with these? That was wonderful, darling.
Do you fancy a cigarette? That was wonderful, darling.
Do you - But who did it? - I did.
I used to be an electrician.
Oh, I don't know.
Nobody else know? No, of course not, not even those who are gonna be here for rest and recuperation.
- What if anybody finds out? - They won't.
And I'm going to make it very worth your while, aren't I, Geoff? Just think, after all these humdrum years of being a humble hotel manager, eh, life could become exciting and rewarding.
What more could you want? - You don't want a go in here, do you? - No, certainly not! - I got a social disease once.
- Oh.
Come on, we'll miss the first fight.
Oh, 96.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm numerically dyslexic.
A Rastafarian wine waiter.
What are you doing to me? - If head office found out.
- Hey, Geoff.
He's a favour for his sister a very good friend of mine.
Now, tell me, Geoff Jesus! Do I smell of anyone? Keep that smoke coming this way just in case.
If it were my missus, she'd be out looking for fancy women who smoke cigars.
- Bloody hell, I bought you a pack of six! - So I used five.
- Anyway, what was she like? - She was all right.
I won't be seeing her again, though.
Her name was Josie.
Who won the last fight? The nigger in the fifth.
Oh, come on, can't tell my wife that.
Come to think of it, I can't tell anybody that.
Say black people, for Christ's sake! - The black people won in the fifth.
- You were never prejudiced.
Not that I remember, not even when you were a kid.
What's gone wrong? - Wasn't gonna be a chauffeur then, Mickey.
- Michael.
My name's Michael.
- Who noticed that I'd gone? - Everyone.
Everyone? Everyone? What, even those who absolutely loathe and despise me? It's great being someone, Franky, that's a fact.
Do you know, I can never remember a time when I didn't want to be someone.
When you're someone, you've got the power to do nearly anything you want.
Better still, you can get people to do nearly anything you want them to do.
Like tonight with that girl.
I mean, I didn't actually have to do anything.
I just got a waiter to go over to her table with a bottle of sparkling wine and a note.
"Michael Murray would like you to join him.
" But you have to be someone first.
It doesn't work otherwise, I know that much.
I tried it last year when I was almost someone and I can still hear the laughter.
But not now.
No, no, not now.
- You don't mind me talking like this? - Yes.
It's a funny world, though, innit? I mean you were always the big hero at school, weren't you? You were the one always going places.
You did, you joined the Merchant Navy.
But me everyone just hated me.
There again, you had one almighty advantage over me, didn't you, eh, Franky? You knew my dadda, didn't you? What was my dadda like? I don't know.
I keep telling you, I was three-and-a-half when he died.
I only have vague memories, pictures.
What Mam said, what Mam told both of us.
- I know as little as you.
- No, you don't.
You were born when he was alive.
He was there for you.
He wasn't there for me.
You can't deny this, Franky, no one can.
My father left me fatherless before I was born.
It wasn't my fault.
- But he's very handsome.
- Ohhh! He is, I'm afraid, Jim.
I saw him on World in Action last week.
The camera loves him.
I've seen Michael Murray in action, Diane, even before he came to power.
And now this episode at school I was telling you about, with Mr Weller.
A great headmaster.
Of the old school, but a great headmaster.
Now a sad sack of a little old man.
- Wrecked.
- But isn't he I mean, from a distance, it seems as if Murray's making the right noises.
Doing some good, isn't he? Beneath the sound and fury and cloak of honest socialism, that man is dressed for a funeral.
I tried to write a poem about a funeral once, but it's a swine to rhyme anything with.
Don't talk about your work at the sink, darling.
Now, not that I want to change the subject, in fact, speaking of funerals, I might not be, but how is your health these days? - Please! - Nothing serious? Don't talk about that till we're in the hallway and the two of you are in your car.
No, no, go on, Jim, please.
No, I'd rather listen to you.
Nobody I know has worked on a Hollywood movie before.
My cousin had a part in Z Cars, but he stood behind Colin Welland.
Nobody saw him.
- Is it a new pain? - And all set in Hawaii, eh? - Can anyone be a set designer? - Oh, absolutely, Jim! No talent or training required whatsoever.
But this new pain, is it in a new place? I've been to see the doctor.
- Several times.
- And? He doesn't believe me either.
This is the fourth time in just over a fortnight, Mr Nelson.
I know.
I'm sorry, but it's the er the pain.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Nothing physical.
- You understand? - But I get this pain across my stomach.
As far as I can see, Mr Nelson, you've been a scourge of the medical profession for nearly a quarter of a century, yet you remain stubbornly still alive! Not one of us can find the slightest thing wrong with you, apart from one torn cartilage and a broken toe.
Now let me put this to you.
You are an extremely healthy, relatively young man.
You have a splendid wife, you have three beautiful children, you have a lifetime to look forward to.
Why, therefore, don't you go away and enjoy that life instead of torturing yourself, wasting my precious time, and draining the already limited resources of the National Health Service? Are you Scottish, Doctor? Only when I'm angry.
It's an appointment for the hospital.
Resistoscopy.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- Don't thank me.
Will it do me any, um, you know, good? No, none at all.
Because there's nothing wrong with you.
But it will hurt you so much that, hopefully, you'll never bother me again.
Now, go away.
There are sane peopled dying in the waiting room.
Next.
Thank you.
Thank you for your wonderful support and I would like you to demonstrate your valued allegiance when I present to you one of our favoured sons.
Welcome to "The Antique Pavement Acquaintance Society"? It shows the organisation's got a sense of humour.
Why? Because of Trotsky's words on the matter of pavements.
"If you cannot convince a fascist, acquaint his head with the pavement.
" Oh, aye, too true.
Wise old twat Trotsky was.
Mr Murray! Mr Michael Murray! - Mervyn Sloan.
- I know.
Do I know! About 20 years ago, I lost my faith and found another.
You've got to have a belief.
And I'm delighted that I found this.
Even though it has been a secret belief.
Often the best kind of belief, Michael.
A meeting of like minds, then, much awaited by everyone here not least of all myself.
The word is out.
Such good reports.
Fine words round the table have their place, but action is all.
- That's right.
- Absolutely.
In the meanwhile, let's sit around the table and use some words, fine or otherwise.
- Lou Barnes.
- Oh, yes, I've heard a lot about you in the last couple of years, Mr What shall I call you? Anything but Gladys.
So now you know.
You know precisely what has to be done in your unfair city, how it is to be done, who will know, and who will not.
Who will do the public and private work in preparation for the great day.
And that day will be October the 21st.
Chosen, of course, to coincide with the opening of Parliament.
Oh, aye, of course.
Parliament can have its show of pomp and ceremony for we will hold a show of force and fervour, Michael.
- And we will take the headlines.
- By the throat.
Parliament will open.
Your city will close.
Created by Bonaparte, modelled to the shape of the breasts of Josephine.
Fine for drinking Babycham, absolutely useless for the drinking of champagne.
Now get me some fluted glasses and make it fast before the champagne gets too cold.
Yes, sir.
No, no, no, no, be seated, Michael.
This is for you.
Now, it would be easy for me to say that you have been chosen, but in reality you chose yourself by virtue of your charm, your charisma, your force of personality, your strength and your aggression.
And we believe that you will be, very soon, a great force in the land, a force to be reckoned with.
Oh, yes.
And consequently, you are as valuable for our intentions as we hope that we will be for yours.
You have the gift, Michael Murray.
Do not forget, it's very rare.
To Michael Murray and the gift.
You do want to please me, don't you, Michael? and that this government should continually deny the will of the people and be industrially destructive and Do you mind? Hey, I'm in the middle of something.
- This is to be added.
- Who says? Lou Barnes.
It's from Mervyn Sloan.
That's different.
Christ! Doesn't pull any punches, does he? What kind of reception am I gonna get if I say all this? The best you've ever had.
They yours? Ours.
- Who's the little prick? - He's a messenger boy, that's all.
Franky imagine you're a socialist, just for a minute.
Listen to this.
Comrades Comrades, it used to be said by the cynical ones that politics was only a game.
But now the game is over, it's been abandoned, and why? Because this callous, crypto-fascist Conservative party have broken all the rules! Oh-ho! They've done more than break the rules, they've shown us that there are no rules left unless it's the old rule of one rule for the rich and another for the poor! So fair play is finished, it has to be, in which case, we must ask ourselves how we can ever win again! For win we must! Yes, we must beat those whose only god is Mammon, whose only - I'd vote for you, I would.
- Hang on, there's more.
No, that's enough cos normally, at this point, I ask for a copy of the Watchtower, swear I'll be good Jovo forever and that's the end of it.
Franky, how long were you unemployed? - It was only a joke.
- It wasn't funny.
- Sometimes they're the best jokes of all.
- Don't you mess about with me, eh? Those days are over.
You were very good, Michael.
- I hardly recognised you.
- That's more like it.
Hey, come on.
What happened? What happened? For win we must! We must beat those whose only god is Mammon, whose only goal is profit and how do we do this? We take the schools we will take the services and we will take the fight and we will take it to them and the time when we take them? And that day is October the 21st! And why? Because that day marks the opening of Parliament! Yes! Yes! And Parliament can have its show of pomp and ceremony! - We will have a show of our own! - Yes! No pomp, but passion! No ceremony, but celebration! - Yes! - Celebration of the voice of the people! Yes! We will tell this government we cannot pay! - We won't pay! - Yes! I will see you all on the streets on the 21st! That means you! That means a day of action! Yes! Day of action, day of action, day of action! Day of action, day of action, day of action, day of action, day of action Tomorrow is a day of action.
- But how popular is this gonna be? - Oh, hey, Stan, misery personified.
The last time you laughed, they were still taking bookings for the Titanic! It is going to be popular, Stan, with those who matter - the people.
Not some of the people I've listened to.
Stan, it is going to happen, that is the be all and end all.
And it's going to happen tomorrow! - Any other business? - No.
Right, before we finish, I want to ask all those involved in the coordination of this event to double-check that when we say this city is closed, it bloody well is and everything that we have a right to picket is picketed, understand? - Yes.
- Tomorrow this city is closed.
- I could murder a pint.
- Yeah.
Just the one.
About tomorrow's day of action, Mr Murray, a few words for our readers? Your newspaper, your readers? A few words, sure, sure.
How about these? I think the point has been made, has it not, gentlemen? They wrote it all down, an' all.
Monica! Ah.
- It's all there? All the questions? - And answers.
Key sections are underlined.
And there's some firecrackers to throw at your Conservative opponent.
Good, very good.
Right, you've kept your side of the bargain, I'll keep mine.
Sylvia's waiting for you at the hotel.
You'd better hurry up.
You're 20 minutes late.
- Which room? - 69, where else? - Take him over there.
- Why? Why? Because I want to learn my lines and because I want you to.
The Royal Imperial Grand Hotel.
May I be of any assistance? - Get me the hotel manager.
- Who shall I say is calling, sir? Michael Murray.
And in answer to that, let me let me give you some facts, Minister.
- The government statistics - Michael? Yes, Minister, your gov Geoff.
- You having an argument in there? - No, no, that comes later.
Listen, that television researcher is on his way over Look, I'm still a bit worried about Geoff, do you want me to send the health authorities over to your kitchens, find a few dead rats? - We haven't got any.
- You will have.
I'm glad you asked me about housing.
That is why tomorrow is important, Minister, far more so than the opening of Parliament.
- Just a minute - Let me finish, let me finish! Because the voice of the people will be heard! The people telling your government that our pockets are empty, our hospitals in danger, our schools in need, our land poisoned, our freedom curtailed! That is why tomorrow is important because the people are important! That's all we have time for this evening.
Perhaps thankfully, with feelings running so high.
And so on the eve of what promises to be the most eventful day in this city's history, it's good night from all of us here.
Good night.
He's cleverer than I thought.
Mm.
Well, thanks very much.
He made a fool of me! You told me he was a political cretin! You said he couldn't string two words together! You said he was all piss and wind! As far as your ambitions are concerned, you'll fight seats in Glasgow, Newcastle and Liverpool for the rest of your life! - It must have been a fix! - Of course it was! Why didn't you fix it? What are you doing? I'm washing my feet in case I die in my sleep.
Cleanliness doesn't necessarily prevent death.
No, but it stops shame dead in its tracks.
Have a shower.
I won't be able to sleep then.
- So you won't die in your sleep.
- I've thought of that.
Then I'll be awake when I died and I'd rather be asleep.
That is, if I die.
This is just in readiness otherwise I'll lie awake all night worrying.
And how long have you been doing this? Oh, depends how long you've noticed me doing it, Doctor.
If you've never noticed me before, I'm glad to say I've never done it before in my life.
Otherwise, a few weeks.
Why? I dunno.
Comfort.
Come to bed.
I'll comfort you.
Comfort and joy.
Lower the chandeliers, men.
If I don't die tonight, there's always tomorrow to think about.
Stay at home from school.
Just for once, avoid something.
I can't.
Kids, the other teachers.
Bloody headmaster's gotta be there.
And when you see the picket lines, you'll come home? Oh, yeah.
That's union policy.
No pickets, go in.
Pickets, no go in.
It's only for one day.
One day too many.
This, too, shall pass.
But will it, Laura, will it? Dark ages come, it's a fact.
But we don't notice.
Not then.
They sit there at home convinced they're well hidden away and protected saying, "Jesus Christ, things are bad out there, but this, too, shall pass.
" And there's some big bastard outside the house going, "I'll huff and I'll puff "and I'll blow your house down.
" I'd rather have Goldilocks, Jim.
Well, you can't cos I've already got her and she's here in bed with me.
So push off, whoever you are.
Be glad when I've had enough.
- Do you jog every morning, Michael? - Listen, healthy body, healthy mind.
- I do this most mornings.
- Even on a morning as important as this? The people will make their decision.
It's not up to me any more.
According to reports, the city already is beginning to close.
Oh, yes, well, the people have made their decision, the people have spoken, so be it.
Let me put it to you that the people who are really speaking are the ones on the picket line who have, according to some reports, prevented people from doing their own talking, their own working, Mr Murray.
I'm sorry, could you repeat that question? You heard the question, Mr Murray, now answer it.
The people on the picket line, pal, for your information, are in the vanguard of the fight.
They are the ones who really care about this city and about this country! And you're going purple, you do know that, don't you? 'Scuse me, Mr Murray Did he say something? Come on, let's get going! Come on, lads, let's go.
Right, come on, let's move it! Let's move it! - Why are you driving, Mum? - Because I'm not going to work.
Social Services is shut, but you and your father might be going to school.
- What, on account of the strike? - Yep.
The deprived and the depraved within my care can despair alone today.
What? - On your way, love.
No school today.
- There's no school.
It's a day's holiday.
No school, Jessie.
Ah, and no teachers, Jim.
- Remember when we carried banners? - Oh, yeah.
- Did we look like that? - Well, you didn't.
Oh, I see, a one-day strike for the dead, as well.
Keep up the good work, lads.
What's the matter? I've got a hard-on and there's nobody here! No pickets.
Oh, dear.
- What's the matter? - It'll end in tears.
Bye, Dad.
Bye.
is claiming 100°% success in what is one of the most remarkable anti- government demonstrations in recent years.
Mr Murray, can I ask ask you first - Will Dad be all right? - Course he will.
You've less than 20 and he brought eight.
Where are the others? Maybe the parents didn't think there'd be any school today.
- Morning.
Nobody tried to stop you at all? - No.
Frank Twist was expecting them and they never came.
- Right.
Thanks.
- Spoilt your day, has it? Not yet.
Come on, school's in there, not out here.
- Sir! - Come on.
Ashley, get in there now.
- Sure nobody's been here at all? - No, but if they do, I'll be ready for 'em.
Now, I want you all Pick that up! I want you all to nip to the gym.
Well, just get over as soon as you can, that's all I can ask.
Maylene's on her way.
Thanks, Mary.
- Hello? - It's Jim Nelson, Vincent.
- Er, yeah, Mr Nelson? - Where are you? - Erm At the foot of the stairs.
- Assembly's in five minutes.
But the radio said all the schools are shut.
- Well, this one isn't.
- And the pickets and all that? - There are none.
- Are you sure? - Do you want to think about that question? - What if they come later? And what if they don't? It's a day wasted, opportunities missed by kids who need every opportunity.
But what would happen if something happened? - Are we talking in some sort of code? - Actually, I got a knock in training last night.
Here they are! The only people working today! Solidarity! quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, nyeeeow, boing, nying-nying-nying, to which the greater spotted one-legged, purple-nosed throat-warbler said, "You never told me I had a twin brother, Mother.
" - That's as much of the story as I'll tell you.
- Awww! I can't tell you any more because I made it up and I don't know what happens next.
I've run out of ideas so you have the ideas, you animals get together a story, make up an ending and we'll listen to you, won't we, Miss Hutchinson? That's right so, come on, now, what I want you to do is to get into groups of five and finish the story and make it really exciting! - Yes? - We're journalists.
National press.
- We just wondered if - Where's your notebooks? - And your trilbies? - Pardon? Nothing.
What do you want? - Just a few questions, Mr? - Nelson.
Oh, the headmaster.
Ah investigative journalists.
But you are the headmaster? - Correct.
- And you're working? All in one piece, odd twinge of lumbago, occasional pain - I mean, you're working today? - Indeed.
Even though it's a day of action? I was told by my union not to walk through a picket line.
And you didn't? So you and your staff are working normally? Not all my staff are here and neither are all the children, but what we have is adequate.
I'll have to ask you to go because, to be quite honest, I find your newspaper a severe waste of trees and yours, a fascist rag and news for the dead.
Dead or alive, this is big news, Mr Nelson.
It is whatever it is to you.
To me, it's just another working day.
- The only school in the city we know about.
- We've been almost everywhere.
Well, I haven't.
So good day.
Only a couple more questions, Mr Nelson.
- May I ask what your politics are? - No.
- So you'd be against this present conflict? - What makes you think that? Sounds more like a Labour man to me.
Go on, tell us.
We won't tell a soul.
Can I take it, Mr Nelson, you're a family man? Married, kids? No, I'm a one-parent, hump-backed transvestite in a yellow dress.
Do me a favour, go away and fast, because I don't like either of you.
We can find all this out, you know.
Go on, then.
Do your job.
Leave me to do mine.
No, he's at school, but my mother's here.
It's some bloke from an opinion poll.
What's going on? Just what is going on? What's happening, then? Where's the circus? The so-called people's press! Maybe they've found somewhere still open.
Found somewhere open? There is nowhere open.
- The pubs are open.
- Oh, yeah, that's what it'll be.
Capitalist press, boys.
Expense accounts and piss-ups.
Then they stagger off to write the usual lies.
Talking of which! Wanna know, Mickey? Eh, eh? Wanna know why you're all alone, my son? My name's Michael and I'm no son of yours.
Fair enough, brother, and I use the term loosely, but I just thought you might like to know we've found our hero for the headlines.
Shame about you.
- What hero? - Our hero, Mickey boy.
Just going to see him again.
Got all the credentials for a strikebreaker.
Nice family man, qualified schoolteacher and, best of all - you're gonna like this - I do believe he's even a card-carrying member of the Labour Party.
Good, eh? Eh? Follow me if you want.
I know where I'm going.
Hanley Grange.
Come here! Now! - You are sacked! Sacked! - What for? You went on the piss last night! I know you did! - I only had a couple - You didn't double check the schools.
- I did, I was - You couldn't have.
The school buses are still running and one of them loony schools is open! - It can't be.
- It is.
You know which one it is, don't you? The Hanley Grange! - Where are we going? - Hanley Grange.
- I'm not Education Chairman any more.
- Check the bins for future reference! And what's more important, you can find the place for us because nobody else can! - Wife or boyfriend? - Boyfriend.
Wife.
- Yes? - Frank Twist, Jim.
- Oh, yes? - It's been a while since I saw you last at the Labour Club.
You shouldn't have painted the wall.
Go and settle the children down, will you, Mary? - What was that about paint? - Purple and orange don't go together.
Last time I was there, I had three pints of bitter and a migraine.
What do you want? I won't keep you long.
Can you guarantee the s-safety of my buses and my drivers this afternoon? - Have you got a gun at your head? - Er yes! - Someone in there with you? - Oh, yes.
From the council? You could say that.
You have a contract with the council to bring the children to this school and then take them home again.
- Correct? - Yes.
But, Mr Nelson, it's been pointed out to me that I undertake a considerable amount of work for the council as a whole, if you know what I mean, and it's been intimated - Or intimidated.
- That, as well.
But it's been intimated to me that the authority would not look kindly on renewing my contract in the foreseeable future if I associate with blackleg scab labour.
You've just read out a prepared written statement.
Oh, indeed, Jim, completely.
I'm I'm I'm glad we understand each other.
- How will the children get home tonight? - Hang on a minute.
Mr Nelson? - Mr Nelson? Jim? - What? It's been suggested to me that if you announce publicly that you will not ever again walk through a picket line I didn't.
a picket line in the manner in which you did this morning, then we I mean I I can assure you that there will be a full coach service available to your school at all times.
Do you know, this phone's perspiring in here, Frank.
- It's coming right out through the earpiece.
- That will be me.
- But what's your answer? - It's simple.
I didn't walk through a picket line and I won't make any statement saying I did.
- Be reasonable! - No.
Police.
I'm only an old fart, but this old fart is telling you that your behaviour's indecent, outrageous and criminal! And don't mention consequences again! Look at this.
Two old farts.
Damn you! Look, I know you're stretched, Officer, but five o'clock at the earliest is no good to me.
What do you want me to do, keep them in detention till you arrive? - Yes? - Jim? You'll have a coach tonight, Jim, even if I have to drive it myself.
You can go now.
- Now? - Yeah.
Well, can't I have a lift back? Do you think you really deserve one? That's not fair.
I live miles away.
There's no buses running, you know.
I know there are no buses running, you stupid sod! I stopped the sodding buses from running! But I've got wonky knees.
- You'd better go in there and talk to him.
- Don't tell me what to do.
I was just going in there, anyway.
Please, Laura, I'm fine, but I've got to go.
I'll get the school bus home.
No problem.
OK.
- It wasn't me! - What have you done this time, son? It wasn't me, Mam.
It wasn't me! The animals went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah! The animals went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah And they all went into the ark for to get out of the rain The animals went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah! The animals went in All right, carry on.
The animals went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah The animals went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah The polar bears and the kangaroos, the elephants and the monkeys, too And they all went into the ark for to get out of the rain The animals went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah The animals went And he beats one man! Oh, yes, he takes two! Oh, the genius of this man is apparent for all to see! Yes! The people's choice! Very good.
Probably no other trespasser's ever done better.
Jim, isn't it? To some.
Not all.
Pleased to meet yer.
This is a school.
You're not a member of this school.
- I'd like you to leave.
- Oh, come on, Jim, you know who I am.
Wouldn't interest me if you were Bishop Tutu wearing one.
- You weren't invited.
You're not welcome.
- Oh, we'll see about that.
See about it, then.
See about it outside.
- Why? What have we done? - This is a special school.
The children here, one way or another, need peace and quiet and, above all, security.
Oh, they're very secure now.
We've got the whole place surrounded.
Look, Jim, you see, I'm only here to sort things out, you know.
Surely you and I can sort this out in an honourable fashion.
What? What's so funny? Just hearing you use the word honourable.
Look, I'm easy.
You want to walk away, just walk away.
No problem.
For a start, I'll make sure you're still able to walk.
This time.
But, you see, if you're looking for trouble Better step aside.
A lot of men didn't and a lot of men died.
16 Tons, Tennessee Ernie Ford.
Next question.
I prefer to the mid to late-Sixties myself, for sentimental reasons.
Next question.
Jesus Christ! What is it with you schoolteachers? Go.
Now.
And take the others with you.
- Listen, you - And the basketball.
I'm telling you I'm telling you, I've already made my mark on the likes of you so you and those two little girls out there No, two women with four years' teaching experience and more understanding of humanity than you will ever have.
I understand humanity, all right, pal, and I understand it gets terrified very quickly.
So I'm here to tell you that, if you screw up this day, I'll screw up the rest of your life! Very good.
The Grand Old Duke of York routine.
Haven't seen that in a while.
Let me remind you that you're supposed to be on our side.
You know, you're supposed to be a socialist.
Don't ever use that word to me.
Don't ever, ever claim that what you're doing has anything at all to do with socialism.
I'll get you! Oh, yes, I'll get you! I know where you live! How can I be this strong and tonight I'll be washing my feet in the sink? Sir, sir, please, sir, they're doing things, sir! They're jumping, sir, they're jumping! Robby, you stay with Miss Hutchinson! - Let me come, sir! - Robby, stay with Miss Hutchinson! - You don't follow me, right? - Right.
Frank.
That's it.
Oh, lovely!