Game On! A Comedy Crossover Event (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[Marisol] Mr. Iglesias is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
[indistinct chattering, giggling]
Happy summer, and welcome
to Mr. Iglesias' discount SAT prep course.
[speaking Spanish]
[in English] Well, not completely free.
I did bring you an apple.
Hey!
Great gift! A paperweight that rots.
Quick question.
What does SAT stand for again?
[sighs] Scholastic altitude test.
Yes, Mikey, it's an altitude test.
To see how high we are.
Really?
It sounds like
a violation of our civil liberties.
[chuckles]
It's actually a scholastic aptitude test.
It's a way for colleges
to take all of your outstanding qualities
and reduce them to a single number.
Is it true that the nightmares you have
about sleeping through the SATs
last your entire life?
Nah [chuckles] mine are almost gone.
Well, I have to ace the SATs
if I want to live my dreams
of having rich kids
look down on me at Stanford.
Toodles, everyone.
[students groan]
Hi, Whitney.
Are you looking for the equestrian center?
Because we don't have one of those.
[giggles derisively] Totes adorbs.
I'm here for the SAT prep.
Really? I would've thought
you would have taken a course
that was a little less free.
Well, I was enrolled in a real one,
but it conflicts with my family trip
to the Tokyo Olympics, so
[in Japanese] Konichiwa! [giggles]
[in English] I love the Olympics.
Oh, my Jamaican brother
from another mother, Usain Bolt, oh-ho-ho,
he always crushes.
-Shabba!
-[chuckles]
Really? Same father?
Hey. Your guess is as good as mine.
Yo, so, Whitney, uh, what Olympic event
are you most excited about?
Shopping!
Tokyo has all my favorite stores:
Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Chanel.
Really soaking in that Japanese culture.
The Olympics are going to be
on Chanel Number Four.
You see what I did there?
Hey, you know how athletes make it
to the Olympics?
Practice. See what I did there?
All right, we'll make a leaderboard
with a medal count.
It'll be fun.
Each of you gets to be a country. Okay?
Uh, Kimmy, would you do us the honors?
[sighs] I never shoulda told you
I had good handwriting.
Well, uh, I--I-- I call France.
[in French] Vive la résistance!
[in English] Hey, Lorenzo. You can be
[in German accent] Das Germans.
That is right, they are very fit
and strong and eat schnitzel.
[normal] Grace, you can be Australia.
[in Australian accent]
Yeah, that's right, mate.
It's gonna be a real corker.
[in Australian accent] Crikey,
throw another shrimp on the barbie.
-[normal] And Whitney.
-Speaking of Barbie.
I'll be America.
USA! USA! USA! [giggles]
Can I be Switzerland?
I just want everyone to like me.
Ah, Switzerland.
A country with amazing chocolate
and cuckoo clocks.
Trust me. Everyone's gonna love you.
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
[in Jamaican accent] And we know
I'll be representing the government yard
down in Trenchtown, Jamaica! Irie!
Okay, can we wrap up the Opening Ceremony
so the competition can begin?
Relax. Open up your booklets.
It's just a practice test
that will determine
the rest of your lives. Ready, go!
[theme song plays]
Mr. Iglesias ♪
Mr. Iglesias ♪
[kids] Woo!
And pencils down.
[sighs] But-- But I'm not finished!
Easy, Switzerland. Much like your cheese,
it's okay
if your practice test has a few holes.
There's no way I got above a 60.
You get 400 points
just for writing your name.
Nice.
Hey, maybe I don't need this class.
Wait, 400 points
just for writing our names?
Is that socialism, 'cause I love it.
Hey, USA, I know you're used
to playing by your own rules,
but I said pencils down.
I have a condition.
I get unlimited time on these tests.
One of my dad's doctor friends
gave me a note. [chuckles]
And what condition do you have?
PPD?
Privileged Princess Disorder?
It's no joke.
It's called arrhythmia.
Wait, no rhythmia.
Oh. I can't remember. It's in the note.
Is one of the symptoms
having no idea what it's called?
Yeah, I got a name for it.
Bull-dookie-itis,
you know what I'm saying?
No, you shouldn't get extra time
just because your dad knows a doctor.
It's not fair to the rest of us.
Yeah, you have no idea how hard we work.
I know exactly how hard you work.
Thank you, Mr. Iglesias.
See?
Look, it's totally fair.
We all just use whatever we have
to get where we want to be.
That's America.
-Well, what if you don't have anything?
-Then you're screwed.
That's also America.
Yo, Mr. Iglesias.
What do you think about this?
I think I gave the wrong answer
when I said,
"Sure, I'll teach the SAT prep.
Sounds fun."
[jaunty music plays]
[sighs]
How's the SAT prep going, Gaber?
Oh, worth every penny,
which is more than I'm getting paid.
Ah! The SATs
a test for all students of all origins
based on the words
white parents use around the house.
I don't know. I found the SA
to be an accurate representation
of my cognitive capacity.
Oh!
Yeah, okay. Now I'm hearing it.
So, Whitney Carson got
a fake doctor's note
so she could have more time
to take her test.
Ugh! Caucasians are the worst.
[Paula] Oh!
What are you doing here, Tony?
I know you're not teaching summer school.
I'm just using the high-speed internet.
My stingy neighbor changed his password.
Ah, come on, bro. You saw it coming when
your neighbor changed his network name
to "stop stealing my Wi-Fi, Tony."
Now, I liked it much better
when you respected me enough
to at least lie about it.
What're you doing online?
My Meet Your Hero entries.
Oh!
Meet Your Hero. Is that the charity
where disadvantaged kids
get to meet their favorite celebrities?
Yeah, it's the,
uh, Ghetto Wish Foundation.
Look, I want to meet Salma Hayek,
and this is my shot.
I know we'd hit it off.
Yeah, I bet she's tired
of her billionaire husband anyway.
Right?
But it's for kids, Tony.
Well, I filled out 937 entries.
-[exhales sharply]
-Let's see some kid beat that.
Uh, I'd like to see some kid beat you,
bro. [chuckles]
You can't enter, man, you're an adult.
Besides, you're not underprivileged.
No, I read through the rules
on their website,
and they didn't actually specify
an age limit.
Well, they must just assume
no adult would stoop so low.
Yeah, clearly they haven't met Tony.
Look, you gotta see it
from Salma's perspective.
Okay, she thinks
she's gonna meet some lame kid,
but instead, she gets to meet someone
that she can really connect with.
Yeah, someone whose, uh, net worth
is 3.2 thousand dollars.
Hey, where're you going?
Ah, to go teach an over-privileged kid
a lesson about cheating.
That's what I love about you, Gaber.
You never stop teaching.
Yeah, what is up with that?
Yeah, well, without me,
my kids might grow up
to not know the difference
between right or wrong.
Kind of like
Salma Hayek's future boyfriend.
I knew you believed in me, bro.
Ah, the Wilson High School cafeteria.
Site of the 1993 food fight massacre.
You know, they say at night,
you can still hear the cries
of wasted Twinkies.
What a tragic loss of snacks.
Rest In Pieces, Reese's Pieces. [kisses]
What are we doing in the crap-ateria?
Well, I thought
we could take a break from studying
and tap into our Olympic fever.
How about we tap into our study fever?
You know there's a vaccine for that?
In the name of Hugh Jackman,
Australia is ready! Wolverine!
All right, first event is gonna be
the cafeteria dash to the far wall,
so if I could just have everybody line up.
Line up!
Do I have to run in the qualifying heats,
or can America just start in the finals?
[speaking Spanish]
[in English] Oh, for Switzerland,
it's just an honor to participate.
Yo, this feels weird.
Jesse Owens
should not be running for Germany.
You feel me?
I'd quit, but I'm already France,
and I hate clichés.
All right, you guys, on your mark,
get set
Oh, hold on, sorry.
Uh, Grace, can you come over here, please?
What are you doing?
The starting line's back here.
It's okay. I wrote her a note. Go!
Yes! Victory!
Eat it, losers.
Hey, Australia cheated!
I don't know what you're talking about.
She touched the wall first.
-But she had a huge head start.
-Yeah, but she had a note.
Not from a doctor, just from a mister.
Meh, Jamaica's fine with whatever medal
you get for fifth place.
Mr. Iglesias is teaching us a lesson.
Please do not tell me that once again,
I am the only one who understood it.
Yeah, now you see
how unfair it is, Whitney,
don't you want to play by the rules?
Hmm. No, thanks. I like winning.
Look how happy Grace is.
[in Australian accent]
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, oi, oi, oi!
Ooh whoa!
Yeah!
[normal] Yeah. 
Great demonstration, Mr. Iglesias.
[chuckles] Cheating rules.
No! No, rules rule.
All we have to do
is cross that finish line
by any means necessary.
Switzerland is not picking sides,
but I am gonna cheat.
[sighs]
Nice work, Mr. Iglesias.
Are you being smug, or just being France?
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie,
oi, oi, oiiii!
[jaunty music plays]
With courage let us all provide ♪
To advance Australia fair ♪
In joyful strains then let us sing ♪
Advance Australia fair! ♪
Wow.
Australian National Anthem.
You are really milking this win, Grace.
When you don't know
if there will be another one,
you ride it as long as you can.
Of course there will be other ones.
Now we know the secret.
Start at the finish line.
Yo, I feel like I've spent my entire life
starting at the starting line,
and I am tired of it.
You know, I'm not sure
you guys got what I was trying to say
with my whole demonstration.
Well, if it wasn't that cheating works,
then we definitely did not.
We have to game the system like Whitney.
Is it just me, or does it seem like
I've taught the most valuable lesson here?
It's just you.
Hey, my cousin works for an orthodontist.
Maybe she could get him
to write us a note.
Or maybe you can have
Dr. Dre write you a note.
Or maybe Whitney's dad's friend
could write us all a note.
I doubt he's in your network.
Uh I've got my note right here.
Oh. And, uh, what medical school
did Dr. Pepper go to?
Pepper Dine?
You guys are missing the point.
You can still play by the rules
and go to a good college.
And you're gonna do it the right way,
by studying.
Oh, I don't think I can study.
I think I'm coming down
with what Whitney has.
Well, you should go to the nurse.
She works at Denny's during the summer.
I do, too, so that's not a slam.
Hey, only slams at Denny's
are Grand Slams.
All right. Our next practice test:
reading comprehension.
And I think that by the end
of this inspiring Olympic story,
you will see why playing by the rules
is better than cheating.
Is this the kind of test
where you have to read the whole story
and remember the whole thing
and then try to answer all the questions?
Yes, Walt.
The reading comprehension test
tests reading comprehension.
[in Spanish] Comprende?
[jaunty music plays]
[in English, chuckling]
Okay, wait, so let me get this straight.
This grown-ass man entered a contest
for underprivileged kids?
It's Tony. Why do you sound so surprised?
Hey, how do we even know
they're underprivileged?
It's not like they ask for W-2s.
You know, Tony,
what you're doing is bad karma.
Oh, so do you want me to delete the entry
I made for you to meet Deepak Chopra?
Meet Deepak?
Deepak is her Tupac.
Oh, doggone it, I'm in.
Abby, please don't encourage him.
So, you wouldn't want to meet
NBA all-star Blake Griffin?
Maybe just as a public service.
Clean that Kardashian off of him.
Well, I am rooting for you both.
Oh, and don't tell Gabe, but I entered him
for a chance to meet Big Show.
[gasps]
Who's that?
Seven-time world wrestling champion?
He won a 60-man
World War III battle royal?
And the 30-man battle royal
at the Andre The Giant memorial?
[sighs]
Oh, read a book, Abby.
[jaunty music plays]
Um
where are the questions
that go with the story
of Olympic marathoner Josia Thugwane?
And where are the tissues?
This brother's story is
a real tear-jerker.
Spoiler alert. I'm not finished.
Look, the questions aren't
in your booklets. They're up here.
I'm ready.
Bring it.
Okay, where's Josia from?
I forget.
South Africa.
Boom. Point Australia.
[in Australian accent]
Well, I'm on freakin' fire today.
[normal] All right,
and where did Josia work?
Uh, in a coal mine.
Great job except for two things:
the coal and the mine.
Nice. And, uh, what happened
when he was carjacked?
Oh, he got shot in the face.
What?
See, now I'm glad I didn't finish.
And did any of that stop Josia?
Nope. Atlanta, 1996.
He became South Africa's
first-ever gold medal winner.
Exactly.
And which do you think feels better?
Doing things the right way
no matter how hard it is,
or cheating?
Oh, oh! Hold on, I-- I know this one.
[stammers] To work hard?
Yup. And that's why
no one has heard of Lance Armstrong,
and everyone knows Josia Thugwane.
In a better world, that would be true.
Okay, just to be clear,
you shouldn't not cheat
because it feels wrong,
you shouldn't cheat
because cheating is cheating!
Oh, I hope you're not waiting for me
to feel bad.
I have a note
from my dad's squash partner.
I mean, my doctor.
Well, uh, we wish you
a speedy return to health, Whitney.
But are the rest of you inspired
to start doing things the right way?
We sure are.
If we don't do whatever it takes
to get into college,
we're gonna end up working
in a South African coal mine.
I'm with you, man.
-No!
-And getting shot in the face.
No!
We need to cheat.
No!
There's no other way I can win.
[speaking Spanish]
[in English] Oh, my God.
You guys, seriously.
Like, If you still don't get
what Mr. Iglesias is saying,
we should just, like,
give him his money back.
It's okay.
You guys can keep your zero dollars.
-I have one move left.
-Well, what is it?
It's a good idea.
It's brilliant.
Some would call it genius.
-You don't have it yet, do you?
-Nope.
[jaunty music plays]
What! Oh!
You have got to be kidding me.
Oh, wait. Did they announce the winners?
Is Blake Griffin getting
his best running mate since Chris Paul?
But I don't disappear
during the big games.
Look at this cross-eyed kid.
What's he gonna do with Salma?
Sorry, Tony,
I guess the universe had a different plan.
What about Deepak?
Say hello to seven-year-old Angela Barnes.
She stole your dream.
[sighs, groans]
If the human body is undergirded
by a quantum mechanical body,
composed not only of matter
but of energy and information,
I just don't understand
why I couldn't have won.
That's a little mumbo
and a whole lot of jumbo.
So, Tony, did I shoot an airball
on Blake Griffin too?
[sighs]
Looks like we all came up empty.
-Oh
-[door opens]
[sighing] Oh, man.
Gabe, cheer up Tony.
Why? What's up?
He's having a bad day.
Mama is too.
Thought I might mess around
and get a triple-double.
What's the matter, bro?
Couldn't kidnap Salma Hayek, could ya?
Look, I'm not even sad for me.
I'm sad for little Gabriel Iglesias.
[scoffs]
-What are you talking about?
-Right after you made me feel selfish,
I went ahead
and entered you into the contest too.
So let me get this straight.
Uh when I told you
that what you were doing was terrible,
your solution was to include me in it?
-It seemed nice at the time.
-[door opens]
[chuckling] Gabe!
Hey!
Big Show! Thanks for coming, man!
-No problem.
-Hey, thank me.
I made it happen.
What happen?
Well, I entered Gabe
into the Meet Your Hero contest.
And you are here.
No, I'm here
because Gabe texted me he needed help.
-But you
-Oh, boy.
tried to steal a wish
from a disadvantaged kid?
[speaking Spanish]
[in English] Look, I only did it
to make Gabe's dream come true.
Oh! I see.
And is your dream to get body-slammed
by a professional wrestler?
Um, body-slammed? Yes.
But by an enormous
male professional wrestler?
Without oil?
Uh, not so much.
So, Big Show,
you ready to go do some good with me?
Yeah. Can I choke him out first?
There's no one here to stop you.
[speaking Spanish]
[grunting, groaning]
[in English]
So, instead of nuzzling Salma Hayek,
I'm gonna get asphyxiated
in Big Show's armpit?
[groans]
[speaking Spanish]
[in English]
He owes me five dollars! Choke him harder!
[jaunty music plays]
All right, so I tried appealing
to your minds in the cafeteria
and appealing to your hearts
with the story of Josia.
Well, that just leaves our stomachs.
Yeah.
This lesson better not end with an apple.
All right, look.
I'm done reasoning with you guys.
Now it's time to scare you straight.
But you don't scare anyone, Mr. Iglesias.
[chuckles]
It's pretty sad, huh?
Even with the Raider vest, nada.
It's showtime.
[Big Show chuckling]
Oh, my God, it's Big Show.
He killed Mr. Ochoa!
You know what I caught him doing?
Let me guess.
Cheating?
Yup.
[chuckles] Oh, I like where this is going.
[thud]
Easy, Big Show.
No need to choke-slam anybody.
Maintain, bruh.
Oh, I will, "bruh."
But first, I need to find out
if there's any more cheaters in here.
Well, you know,
that's the thing about cheaters.
They're so sneaky, they can be anywhere.
[Lorenzo clears throat]
Whew
[stammers] Cheaters never prosper,
that's what I always say. [chuckles]
How long have you been saying that?
Uh, about long enough. Excuse me,
I'mma step right over here. Thank you.
[Big Show breathes deeply]
How about you?
Oh, uh
[in Australian accent]
Well, I'm not even from 'ere, mate.
No, I'm
Uh I'm from
Down Under. [chuckles]
[Big Show chuckles]
[normal] I'm getting a real dishonest vibe
from this one.
[sighs] Okay.
I don't know who you think you are,
but this is gonna go one of two ways.
And both of those ways are gonna lead
straight to your underwear.
I will unleash the full fear
of my mom's Shake Weights down on you.
Or Or I can promise you that I'll never
even think about cheating again,
we can shake on it and call it a draw.
Deal.
Oh turns out, I have little baby hands.
[chuckles]
But seriously, guys, come on.
Don't cheat.
Cheating is for losers.
That goes for grown-ups too.
[stammers] Really enjoyed
your guest lecture. Thank you! Ha!
Do you need a tag team partner?
Big Show and Rasta Boy.
It sells itself. [chuckles]
I'll see you on the marquee.
Thank you for scaring me straight.
I'll never cheat again.
You don't scare me.
My dad is friends with Vince McMahon.
So
And you don't scare me either
because I don't cheat.
[growls]
Okay, you kind of scare me.
Thanks so much, bro. Really appreciate it.
Anything for a friend, man. Anything.
Hey, uh, Tony.
You can get up off the floor now.
It worked.
-[sighs] Oh, boy.
-Tony.
-[groans]
-Come on, sunshine. [grunts]
Salma, is that you?
I knew you'd come.
Oh, I knew they were real.
[theme song plays]
[music ends]