Gary Unmarried (2008) s01e02 Episode Script

Good morning.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hey, didn't I paint your condo a couple weeks ago? No, a bunch of workers painted my condo while you hit on me.
You know what? Those workers are living the American dream.
You show up on time, you work hard and just maybe your boss will get laid.
Okay.
Let's go take a shower.
You know what? You go take a shower.
I'm gonna lay here and try to put a name on some of those positions I invented last night.
Honey, half those positions aren't new, and the last one, I think you stumbled into.
All right, I might have stumbled into it, but I'm pretty sure I stuck the landing.
Well, you were great.
Last night was unbelievable.
There's plenty more where that came from.
If I can ever walk again.
My back.
Ooh Hey, Gary? Baby, baby What's up? Got any shampoo? Yeah, just grab one of the empty bottles, put some water in it and just shake it up.
Please let that be a door-to-door chiropractor.
Gary! Hello? - Who's that? - That's my ex-wife.
If we're quiet, she'll probably just go away.
Gary, believe me, you need to have a civil relationship with your ex, so just go downstairs, be pleasant and see what she wants.
I know what she wants.
She already has my left one.
- Hey, Tommy.
- Hi, Dad.
Hi, cutie.
I love you.
What's going on? Why aren't the kids at school? Well, we had to stop by here to pick up everything you forgot to drop off with them last night.
What are you talking about? I put everything they had into their backpacks.
What did I forget? Their backpacks.
And I got a speeding ticket on the way over here, too.
You got a speeding ticket? What's the matter? Your two Your two lady friends couldn't help get you out of it? No, Gary.
I'm not gonna sink to that level.
Why not? They have.
You know what, Gary? If we were at Mardi Gras, you would get way more beads, my friend, okay? - That's right.
- It's not in my room, Mom.
Now, we still can't find Louise's cello.
How do you lose a cello, Gary? I don't know.
I've looked everywhere for that thing.
Louise, honey, get in the car.
I'll be right out, all right? - Okay.
Bye, Dad.
- Bye, honey.
Hey, do you have any tests today? That's fantastic.
Too bad we're never going to Germany.
Why you walking like your father? What? I hurt my back and Oh, my gosh! You're the only one alive that knows how to fix it! - What? - Come on.
You can do it.
- I'll get on the ground, you fix it! - Look, Gary Gary, in order to fix your back, I would have to get on the floor and climb all over you.
It's crossing a line.
Come on, help me! Help me! Just do it! All right.
But no unnecessary wiggling.
How'd you hurt it this time? What? What, with lifting something? - I mean, really, Gary - No, I wasn't lifting weights.
Well, what were you, painting ceilings? I mean, can't Dennis do that? Allison, I did not hurt my back doing anything you warned me about, okay? I hurt my back having super-amazing hot sex with my new girlfriend.
- And I'm done.
- What? You never even touched me.
Look, I don't want to hear about your sex life, Gary.
Okay? Learn some boundaries, man.
Boundaries? You're engaged to our marriage therapist.
Don't you think that's crossing a boundary? Dr.
Walter Krandall did everything he could to save our marriage, including me.
And I only said that because I knew you were going to.
I bet if Dr.
Walter Krandall hurt his back and couldn't ride his dumb little bike around town, you'd fix it.
I would fix Walter's back because he is my fiancé.
And he's also a published author and has appeared in Time magazine, and he was on The Today Show.
Yeah.
What, Willard Scott was wishing him happy birthday? - Are these your keys? - Yes, they are.
Come on, Tom.
We're gonna be late.
See you, Dad.
That your phone that's buzzing, Tommy? Yeah, it's just Danielle.
You know, she called me 11 times this morning, so I stopped answering it.
Wow, I didn't know Danielle was being so possessive.
Yeah, a little bit.
You know, she insists on holding my hand all the time, even during lunch.
I can't eat.
And I think my left hand's getting smaller from all the squeezing.
Hold it out.
Let me see that left hand.
Let me Let me see with that left hand if you could pick up Daddy's keys.
There you go! You're a good guy.
Hey, listen.
I gotta tell you something, Tommy.
This is a good thing, okay? This girl likes you, all right? Plus, you're getting hand.
I am the first of my friends to get it.
That a boy.
But if she wasn't so hot, I'd think she was crazy.
Yeah.
It's a good thing the hot ones are never crazy.
Dennis, please, just do this thing for my back.
Come on.
You just You get my hand up over my head, and you sit down on my hips, and then you straddle me and you just kind of rock my hips around like this until you hear something pop.
Yeah, I'm not gonna be doing that to you, man.
Help me up.
Give me a hand.
Give me a hand here.
All right, that's good.
Gosh.
My hand.
My back.
I just put my hand on my back.
I gotta tell you, if I was in my old house, forget it.
Allison would crack my back, I would sit in my hot tub and I'd be as good as new.
This non-stop sex with Vanessa is killing me.
That's terrible.
Did I tell you my wife just gained 60 pounds? Look, here's the thing with Vanessa.
You saw her.
She's beautiful, and for some reason, she thinks I'm incredible.
I gotta keep up with her.
She's used to having sex with these hairless, bendy, flexible Abercrombie & Fitch guys, you know, and You know what it is? It's like every time, I have to prove myself over and over again.
I gotta be honest with you, Dennis.
I've never felt so vulnerable.
Remember when we used to talk about football? - Hello? - Have you found the cello yet, Gary? - Louise has practice tonight.
- Who is this? - Are you even looking for it? - No, I'm not looking for it.
I'm on my way to work.
I'm on the freeway.
What do you want me to do? Hey, hey, buddy, buddy! I only need a little bit of the road, okay? This guy almost killed me.
It's amazing.
Holy smokes.
Honor student, my ass.
You know what? Yeah? How Hey, that's real classy with your kid in the car.
- I don't have any beer, Gary.
- Not even in the downstairs Oh, my God! What are you doing? You're never home at this time of day.
What? I skipped a class to come home and, you know, study for a paper my Okay, you know what? I don't need to tell you why I'm in my own house.
- Were you in my hot tub? - No.
I was in my hot tub that I built with my hands on my patio.
That my lawyer was able to get from your friend who went to law school on the Internet.
Look, Gary, I mean, I am sorry about your back.
I am.
But really, seriously, coming over here and What are you doing? What? I'm changing out of my trunks.
- In my kitchen? - Well, yeah.
'Cause you always used to get mad at me if I would track water through the house.
Gary, I just I can't believe you would just undress in front of me.
God! All right, well, big deal.
I don't see what the big deal is, okay? I mean, getting undressed in front of you, it's like It's like getting undressed in front of a dude.
- A dude? - I was gonna say "dog," but I knew it'd rub you the wrong way.
You know what? Gary, you gotta get your suit back on and go.
And from now on, new boundaries, okay? You're not allowed in my house or anywhere outside of my house, okay? And I am not gonna go in your house.
And why are you still naked? Because my back just locked up.
I can't bend down and pick up my shorts.
- For God's sakes, Gary.
- I need your help.
Help me pick up my shorts.
Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey! All right.
- All right.
Give me your right foot.
- Okay.
Your right foot! Jeez, what are you, three? I'm sorry.
I can't believe you, Gary.
You come into my house.
You dig through my fridge.
You drop your pants.
- You know what? Do it yourself.
- Okay.
That is just nasty.
All right.
I don't know why you're making such a big deal out of such a tiny thing.
Yeah, well, that's because the tiny thing is in my kitchen.
You were cranking the air conditioner and I was just standing in front of a cold refrigerator.
You know what, Gary? Go.
This is my house.
I know it's your house, Allison, and I respect that, and I was only using the hot tub because of my back, and that's the truth.
Burgers are ready.
Oh, my gosh, this is heaven on my back.
Yes.
I knew that was gonna happen.
And yet I did it anyway.
- Dad? - Over here, honey.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, how are you? Sorry, I didn't find your cello yet, okay? Hey, where's your brother? He's right behind me.
Wow, Tommy, puberty hit you hard.
- Hello, Gary.
- Hello, Krandall.
Allison asked if I could pick Tom and Louise up from school.
Great, where's Tom? Unfortunately, I only had enough room on my bike for one.
He made me run behind him.
That's not the definition of being picked up at all! What's going on here, Krandall? Every light in the house, apparently.
I understand there was an incident between you and Allison.
She prefers not to speak to you for a while.
Really? She's punishing me by not coming into my house? I hope she doesn't get really mean and stop cashing my alimony checks.
I don't know what's going on between the two of you, but if you'd like to talk about it, I'll put on my therapist hat.
Okay, does it come with a chinstrap like that one? Deflective humor.
That's very healthy.
But if you give me your version of it, I will offer my keen insight.
Yeah, no offense, Krandall.
I don't think so.
I mean, come on.
You married my ex-wife.
You can't be much smarter than I am.
I tried talking to her, but she wouldn't share with me, either.
Me, of all people! I'm a professional.
Do you know that one of my clients is Sir Ben Kingsley? You're not supposed to tell me that.
I know, I know.
I got an earful about that from Parker Posey.
See, Danielle, okay, I have homework to do, okay? I really need to go.
Can't we watch each other do homework? Did you just minimize me? No, no, no.
There's something wrong with my computer.
I bet any minute now it's just I like that one! This girl's really getting to you, isn't she? She's driving me crazy, Dad.
She calls me all the time.
She stuffs notes in my locker.
You know, today she made me hold hands with her during the assembly.
Both hands.
It was like we were figure skating.
All right, so, Tommy, why are you putting up with all this? 'Cause I'm just an average guy, okay? And she's a totally banging girl.
Okay, Tommy, let me tell you something.
You show me a banging girl, and I'll show you a guy that's tired of holding her hands.
Okay, so what should I do, Dad, okay? I don't want to break up with her.
Well, you just have to be honest with her.
You have to take her for a walk and tell her to ease up a bit.
That's all.
- A walk? Really? - A walk.
Yeah.
Women respond to honesty.
I mean, if this girl's wearing you out, you can't just act like nothing's wrong.
Oh, my gosh.
- Are you all right, Dad? - Nothing's wrong.
Okay.
It's Danielle.
Oh, my God.
She's calling from inside the house! Listen, be strong, okay? - All right.
Thanks.
- All right.
You got it.
- Hey, Louise.
Hi, honey.
What's up? - My ride's here.
Okay, look.
You don't have to go to cello practice.
- You have nothing to play.
- I'm in band, Dad.
If I had anything better to do, don't you think I'd be doing it? - Hey, I'm taking off, Dad, okay? - Wait.
Where are you going? Danielle and I are gonna go on that walk.
- When are you going to be back? - I don't know.
I gotta go way over to her house so I'll just I'll see you.
There you are, slowpoke.
Okay, I'll see you, Dad.
We're This is awful.
All these bendy, flexible, hairless men.
Which one's Abercrombie? - Hi! Hi, Vanessa.
- Hey, handsome.
Who's that little blond girl pulling your son like a wagon? That's his girlfriend.
She's crazy.
About him.
Where's Where's Parker? Don't you have him tonight? I did, but his dad wanted to take him to a game, so we switched.
- Thought you'd want to hang out.
- Yeah, sure.
What What did you have in mind? I don't know.
Drink some beers, watch some football, just be mellow.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's fantastic.
You have no idea how good that sounds, because I've been meaning to tell you that my back Hello, boys.
My back is very horny.
Would you look at this? Hello, my dear.
I hope you don't mind.
I let myself in.
Not at all.
What am I smelling? The chateaubriand.
And it's gonna burn unless I find a set of tongs.
Walter, you are so wonderful.
This is exactly what I needed tonight.
Hope your day's getting a little bit better.
I spoke to Gary earlier.
Please, please.
Don't say that name.
I'm having a nice moment.
Let me enjoy this.
Absolutely.
That's exactly my plan.
And if you want to share anything with me, as Sir Ben Kingsley does each Wednesday You know, Walter, I love you.
I just don't want to talk.
I wanna relax.
Ah! Then I have something very special for you.
- Okay.
- Close your eyes.
Well, I like the sound of that.
Keep them closed.
- Oh, my God! - Beautiful, isn't it? Walter, where the hell did you find that? It was in the laundry room under a pile of clothes.
Why didn't you tell me you had a cello in the house? This is awful.
Admittedly, I haven't played in a while, but Why am I defending myself? What instrument do you play? Are you okay, sweetie? You kind of sound like you're in pain.
What? Pain? Me? No.
No.
Pain? No.
I'm doing, you know, like, primal, like, grunting noises, you know? I don't know if you know anything about the silverback gorilla I do, actually.
Well, then never mind.
Okay.
- Will you just sit down? - Okay.
You know what? Speaking of gorilla colors, I'm gonna go downstairs and make an emergency paint order.
An emergency paint order? Look, don't break my chops, honey.
You knew what you were getting into the minute you started dating a painter, okay? Okay.
All right.
Cello, Allison.
Gary, what are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing? Just dropping off the cello.
Yeah, it turns out it was It was in my laundry room the whole time.
Isn't that funny? All right, bye.
No, no, no.
Whoa, whoa.
So you just bring it in my house, sneak it in here and act like it was here the whole time? I thought you were out.
And you, you broke into my house today.
I had to use the hot tub because you wouldn't fix my back.
Look, I don't care what it was, Gary! We need to stick to the boundaries we set.
No.
No, no, no, no, the boundaries that you set that I don't understand because I don't really care who comes in whose house.
It doesn't make sense to me, and I'm not even sure why you're so mad Oh, my God! My back, Allison! Please help me.
I can't even move! - You don't know why I'm so mad, Gary? - No! All right.
Where do I start? I couldn't flirt my way out of a speeding ticket for the first time in my life.
And then, when the cop looked at my birthday, he asked me if I might know his mother.
And I did.
And then, my stupid ex-husband, whose back is sore from having too much sex with his young girlfriend, undressed in front of me and said it wasn't any different from undressing in front of a dude! That's it? That's what you're so fired up about, the dude comment? Oh, my gosh! I feel better.
All right! What do you care what I think about you? I'm your ex-husband.
Yeah, exactly, Gary.
We were married.
You had two children with this dude.
Look, Gary, I don't want you to want me, just acknowledge that I'm still want-able.
You know? I mean, my God, you don't know what it's like.
It's different for men.
Different? I don't know what it's like to get old? I'm like the Tin Man! You had to oil can me down there for crying out loud.
Look, Allison, don't whine about this.
I mean, you're almost 40, sure, but you're still banging.
What is Banging? Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry about today.
I shouldn't have been in your hot tub.
I'm sorry I was in your house.
I'm sorry I said that it was like being undressed in front of a dude.
I was just being an idiot.
I'm sorry.
Banging, like how? Banging, like, if we had met in a bar and I didn't know you at all and you were wearing the red dress - and you had your hair up.
- Anything else? If you weren't talking so much or criticizing what I was wearing - or complaining about the service and - Gare, Gare, Gary, just I would go up to you in that bar and I would ask you to dance, and I would do everything in my power to get you to go to bed with me.
- Really? - Yes, really.
Thank you.
Assuming it was last call and there was no one there younger.
- Gary! - Come on! - I thought it would make you feel better.
- Well, you know, it did, a little.
And then it didn't, and then it almost did again, and then, you know, the whole thing was over.
Gotta tell you, a lot like having sex with you.
Hey, I'll have you know I've invented some new positions since then.
- Goodbye, Gary.
- All right.
Look, I'm sorry I assumed you lost the cello.
I was certain I lost it, okay? I do look good in that red dress, don't I? Banging.
Hey.
Sorry about that.
That paint order took a lot longer than I thought it was gonna.
- So, you called her a dude? - Yes, I did.
And what's the deal with your back? Hey, look, okay, I have a confession to make.
My back is really messed up from years of playing football and surfing and painting houses, and, apparently, my back locks up after non-stop acrobatic sex.
Well, what made you think you had to do that in the first place? Because I didn't want you to think I was one of these old guys that, you know, couldn't keep up with you.
Keep up with me? I was trying to keep up with you.
You know, I know that all divorced guys go through a crazy time, but most of them at least spread it around.
You are too much of a job for one woman.
If you ever wanna write that on a bathroom wall or maybe Oh, my God.
send out a mass e-mail to all my friends, that would be great.
Hey, pal.
How did it go? Good.
It went really good.
I told her to lay off a little bit, and you were right.
Women like it when you say what's on your mind.
Great.
That's great.
Tommy? How Your lips, they look glossy.
And you got - You got glitter all over your face.
- Really? You were making out with her this whole time! Yeah, I got lip.
That's fantastic, buddy.
Yeah, you know, the more I told her to, you know, stop holding my hand, the more she wanted to kiss me.
You know, I'm really considering telling her to stop kissing me and see where it goes.
All right, why don't you slow your roll there, partner? Maybe just take a little time and enjoy smelling the lip gloss for a while.
- Good night, Dad.
- All right.
I'll see you in the morning.
My back is killing me!