Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s01e02 Episode Script

Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer ♪
MUFFLED GRUNTING AND SCREAMING
- Listen! They're at it again!
- Shush, you.
Why's Jez with a boiler like Suze
when I'm bang on top of him?
You wish, you big wench.
Shut up! I'm visualising.
- You're what?! - Visualising.
I read about it in a magazine.
You let the blood rush to your head,
imagine something that you really
want to happen, and it happens.
What are you imagining?
Leonardo DiCaprio riding about
on top of you?
No. I was imagining myself
on the set of Peak Practice,
getting a bed bath
from Sir Simon Shepherd.
I've been with my new agent
for a month and nothing,
so I've decided to make things
happen!
You couldn't make that kettle boil,
could you?
PHONE RINGS
- Whose ringing at this bloody time?!
- I'm not psychic! - Pick it up then!
- You pick it up! - I'm a bit tied up!
- I'm mascara-ing me hair!
ANSWERING MACHINE:
'Hello. Leave a message.'
- 'Hi, Tom. Norma, here.'
- It's my agent!
'We've got you an audition. It's
tomorrow, 10.30, for Crimewatch UK.
- 'You've got the part of a suspected
granny basher in a reconstruction.
Wear navy slacks.' - Navy slacks!
'It's cockney, it's working class,
it's real life.
'I know it's a stretch, but think
EastEnders and be butch. Ciao!
'..Get me Su Pollard!'
Linda! Linda, it worked!
I'm going to play a cock-n-ey.
I'll get the post. Put some clothes
on. You're bringing up me toast!
Reaching for my knocker, Jez(?)
Hi, Linda. There's some post for you.
I should get a slot, then you can
slip it through on a regular basis.
Mornin', Jez, me old china!
What an hilarious accent. Liverpool?
I've got an audition, so I'm
practising my oral technique.
It's Crimewatch UK.
I'll probably be rubbing shoulders
with Jill Dando.
- Awright, Suze, old bird? - Geordie?
- Not tickety-boo. - What's the matter?
- The bloody Smeg's on the blink.
Didn't sound like it earlier.
Smeg cooker, Linda.
SHE LAUGHS
It's no joke. Have you ever heated
Pop Tarts on Carmen rollers?
Jolly bad luck, strike a light!
Glasgow!
Get out me way, please.
HE COPIES HER
- It'll have to be
Chinese take-it-away. - Can we play
"hide the tofu dumplings" again?
- Tom, congrats on the audition.
- Pretty amazing, isn't it?
Let's celebrate my good news.
Come over for dinner tonight and
I'll cook a fantastic spinach pie.
You are looking at a committed
vegetarian, so, "Thumbs up," say I!
DEVON ACCENT:
I'll water down me spinach!
Wotcher, Beryl!
Good morning.
I've got one thing to say to you -
spinach pie.
- You know your problem?
You're bitter. - Oh, am I?!
Stuck in a job you don't enjoy,
answering the telephone, twiddling
with your little switchboard.
There's no joy in your life.
You don't know how important I am
in the world of media communication.
One slip and Channel 5's
entertainment output
would literally disappear!
Yes, wouldn't that be a shame(?)
- You've never made a spinach pie.
- Winnie Mandela did it last night
on Celebrity Ready Steady Cook.
The state of you! One audition -
you'd think the Pope had come out!
But this could be it - my big break.
I could be there on the TV screen,
reconstructing my socks off,
and maybe a Hollywood producer's
in town.
He's at the Ritz,
he's ordered room service -
pastrami and dill pickle on rye.
He's flicking through the channels
and he thinks,
"Who's this? He's bloody good!"
The next thing you know, I've got
me own Winnebago and Cameron Diaz
all over me like a rash.
'Ere, look at this!
Please read it for me.
The writing's all joined up.
"Linda, although I am already
spoken for, my love for you is
the size of a small principality."
Oh!
What's "principality" mean?
It's a very small country.
It's very cruel.
- I think it's beautiful. - Someone's
taking the piss. They haven't even
signed it. Any postmark?
It's hand delivered.
Oh! You know who it's from?
Some stingy bastard
who won't shell out for a stamp.
Jez! He's spoken for,
and when I went out there
he got a tent pole!
It must be awful,
inciting erections wherever you go.
I bet Trafalgar Square was
completely flat till you walked by.
- Why would he use a stamp
when he lives in the same house?
- Give it to me!
- It's not his handwriting.
- He's disguised it cos he don't want
Big Bird finding out.
His heart must be breaking.
He'll soon be cured tonight,
though, won't he, eh?
I can't sit around all day
talking about piss-taking missives!
I've got research to do!
Now, Linda,
how do you talk like that?
Like wot?
Like a navvy in drag.
I've got the diction
of a Merchant Ivory empress!
Help me! I've got to be
a convincing granny basher.
What would I know about that?!
You're SO racist.
A hint of a cockney accent don't
mean I go around coshing old ladies,
you condescending runt!
There's always a first time.
- I'm popping down Soho to do
the phone boxes for Renie. I need
to know what time to be back. - Why?
- Spinach and me go back a long way.
- Out! Get her out of here!
I used to be big pals with Popeye.
He was one of me regulars.
- You're not invited. - This house meal
isn't really a house meal, is it?
Er
Er NO!
- Congratulations on your audition.
- Thank you. Now, I must prepare.
Being cockney doesn't come easy
to me.
- What does?! - Beryl hears there's
a football match being shown
down the pub today.
Louts aplenty for the study thereof.
- To help you get into character,
you know? - Oh, right, thanks.
- Shall I see you about eight?
- Whatever.
Tom! I didn't want there to be
another bird there!
Simon Shepherd, Simon Shepherd,
with your matinee idol looks and
your smouldering bedside manner
Inspire me!
BUTCH, COCKNEY ACCENT:
Listen, darling,
you might be knocking 80, but
you're gonna get a bunch of fives!
Ow, ow, ow!
- What you lookin' at? - What?
You didn't fight no war for me!
- I'm deaf. - Oh, forget it, then!
There'll be one along in a minute.
CAMP VOICE:
Will there? Thanks, love.
- PHONE RINGS
- Hello, Fast-Track. Can I help you?
Do you have an extension number?
Well, then, I can't.
- PHONE RINGS
- Hello, Fast-Track. Can I help you?
Ooh! Bring it all up, love.
No, she's at lunch at the moment.
Well, she says she's on a diet,
but she smelt of chips when
I brushed past her at elevenses.
Yeah, I know.
Fat cow, isn't she? Bye.
- PHONE RINGS
- Hello, Fast-Track If you can't
say please, don't bother to ring!
- Can you organise a bike for that?
- Yeah. Mavis, catch!
Well, she's the office bike!
- I like bikes. - Great. - Like to get
out there and build up a sweat.
- Do you wear deodorant? - What? - I don't.
I reckon the body takes care of that.
HE SNIFFS
- Trevor, get out my face! - It's nice
to meet someone so like-minded.
My wife wears roll-on. I haven't so
much as touched her in three years.
Eurgh!
FOOTBALL MATCH ON TV
HE MOUTHS
Go on, yeah, go on!
And the BAFTA
for outstanding achievement
in a crime reconstruction goes to
Brilliant. Tom Farrell,
for the Crimewatch granny bashing!
'A very popular choice in the hall,
this.
'Tom Farrell, whose portrayal
of the wanted man in Crimewatch UK
'plucked him from obscurity and
turned him into a household name.'
You all right, mate?
COPYING HIM:
You all right, mate?
- You takin' the piss?!
- You takin' the piss?!
PANTING
D'you like Oasis?
- Yeah, cos they wash.
- You can't fool me.
- You're weird. - You know what
I think's weird? Women shaving.
It's not the way nature intended.
- Leave me alone. - Anything
interesting in the mail today? - A
free offer on Bic razors. Sod off!
Pssh-pssh-pssh.
It's like an ice rink in here! What
are you polishing the floor for?!
- I'm not one to eavesdrop, but - Ow!
- That's been happening every
30 seconds since 4.15. - What? - Ow!
He's knocking her about.
You've got to feel sorry for her.
It ain't her fault she's not me.
- Hi. - Wotcher, big boy!
- Still on for tonight?
- You betcha! - Brute!
Gosh, this is jolly good fun.
Better than Alton Towers.
'Ere, I love a good ride.
- I need to go and get some wine
for later. - Ooh! Wine makes me tipsy.
- Can't wait. - Ciao, baby!
All right, you poof?
Look at my profile, and be honest.
What does this profile say to you?
Retarded?
It says four years at the RSC!
It says Julius Caesar. It's says
Rupert Everett's younger brother.
- It does not say East End villain!
- Didn't your research go too well?
About as successful
as a comedy moment on EastEnders.
It's very difficult
researching a role.
The only time you've been on TV
was walking past the window
on Richard and Judy!
You're such a sad bitch.
I've been on stage.
I was the Virgin Mary in
the young offenders' nativity play.
YOU played our Virgin Mother,
you blasphemous bint?!
I WAS a virgin.
Well, until the dress rehearsal.
My performance brought tears
to that innkeeper's eyes.
We never performed it, cos he
battered one of the three kings.
All I want is for some nasty,
vile, East End thug
to come walking through that door,
so I can ABSORB him. Since that
WON'T happen, I'll just retire.
- Will we still have our dinner? - No.
Oh, Tom, please!
I've had me catsuit re-elasticated!
Dinner is off.
We have nothing to celebrate.
What if I said I can get a
wife-battering hooligan round here?
I'd say, "Shut up, you lying slag."
Don't get me wrong. I would never
condone violence against women,
but Suze has got the sort of face
you just wanna slap.
Are you saying that Jez is knocking
her about?! Did she tell you this?
- Beryl told me. - Beryl once told me
she had an affair with Prince
Philip. It doesn't mean it's true.
- I heard screams.
- She could've been reaching orgasm!
And although no-one has ever
hit me - touch wood
- I do attract bad 'uns.
- You don't still believe
Jez sent you that card, do you?
- He can't resist me come-to-bed eyes.
- You haven't got come-to-bed eyes!
- I have! - You've got
shag-me-up-a-back-alley eyes!
You only want him round here
because you fancy him.
I feel sorry for the lad, pining
over his mega-babe neighbour.
I've got a big 'eart.
- It's not half as big as your ARSE!
- He likes some gristle on his bone.
I mean, have you seen the state
of that Suze? She's anorexic!
You watch at dinner. She'll shovel
that food down and rush to the bog.
They are NOT COMING ROUND!
You disappoint me, Tom. I thought
you were serious about your acting.
- I am. - Yet you're prepared to chuck
away your chance of a big break.
- Jez isn't a wife batterer. - What if
he is, and you missed your chance?
All right, dinner's on!
- What time are they coming? - Eight.
I'll make meself look beautiful.
Hurry up. You've only got two hours.
That's a very lovely outfit,
if I may say so, Linda.
- Thanks. - I worked with a girl once
who wore something similar.
She met a very sticky end.
How many(?)
Ended up as a traffic warden
in Bromley-by-Bow.
- Great. - Tried to stick a ticket
on my shopping trolley once.
I decked the stupid whore.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Come right through!
Hi, peeps.
- Hi, puddy cat! - Slight technical
hitch - Suze can't make it.
- Aww! - She's embarrassed
by her appearance.
That's it! I don't break bread with
wife batterers. If you don't mind,
I'll take Maeve Binchy to bed.
Lesbian!
Weird chick, huh?
Jez, stick your wine in me cooler.
'Ere, sniff up, Jez. Me oven's hot.
So Suze can't make it
cos she's a little embarrassed
by her appearance. Really?
Oh, really? Why don't you tell me
about it. Tell us how it started.
Did you just flip?
It was a belated birthday present.
- Whatever happened to Milk Tray(?)
- She did ask for it. - Yeah, I bet.
You're just a melting pot of angst,
aren't you? It's fascinating,
cos you're very calm, aren't you?
- Sorry? - Jez? Have you heard
of the word "psychopath"?
- Is this a word association game?
Gosh, I wish Suze was here.
She loves free-fall wordplay. - Yes.
But she'd find it difficult with a
broken jaw. What do you think, eh?
Eh?! Come on, then!
D'you want a fight, then?!
- Deck him! - Why would I want to hit
dear, sweet Tom? - Because you've
just beaten up dear, sweet Suze!
Oh, yes, that's a very butch thing
to do, isn't it? Laugh! Go on.
- I'd better go and get her. - Don't!
- I insist. Be back in two ticks.
Oh, bollocks! I was just starting
to enjoy meself.
Suze had some facial hair removed.
- The electrolysis went
a little bit wrong. - A LITTLE bit?!
My beautician was premenstrual.
I'm lucky I haven't got the hideous
embarrassment of having a moustache.
I just remembered who you
remind me of - David Seaman.
How DARE you not be
a wife batterer?! I could sue you
for loss of earnings!
They thought I was beating you up!
- I - never. He was just picking on you
cos you was black.
- So, how did you two crazy cats meet?
- In a nightclub. Now, shut up.
- Oh, how romantic. - No, darling,
they're not an item, remember?
- I'm young, free and single.
- And Tom's gay. - Why do I forget that?
It's SO obvious.
- Shut up and eat.
- I met a gay person once.
Well, it was more of a lesbian.
I'd gone to an accountants'
convention at a hotel in Droitwich.
I ordered an eggnog and
the next thing I know, this woman
has got her tongue down my throat.
She was a bus conductress
called Gwen. Do you know her?
- No, I don't. - She had blonde hair.
- No, STILL don't know her.
- And a very long tongue.
- Don't be so offensive! - I'm sorry?!
- Do you expect Jez to know EVERY
black person?! - Don't be racist!
He knew every black person at Eton.
So, you met at a club. Gosh.
That's very clubby, isn't it?
- We were off our heads on E. - E?
Ecstasy, you bizarre horse!
- Is it the same as eggnog? - It makes
you think everybody's lovely.
Oh, it IS the same, then.
- Er - What? - You've got - Yes?
Sorry.
- Baby! - You've got a bit of spinach
hanging out your gob!
That pie was delicious! We must get
the recipe. We're always looking
for fun things to do in the kitchen.
- Ooh! - Are you studying heterosexual
man in his natural environment?
I haven't had so much fun
since I had my haemorrhoids lanced.
- Do you get that problem? - No.
It was just a vague swipe at irony,
but irony's way over
the top of your head.
There we go. There we are.
Jez? Have you ever been to one of
those footie-ball things matches?
- Jez loves ball games.
- Mm-mm! So do I.
- Are you quite macho on the pitch?
- I get stuck in on a Sunday morning.
That's my favourite time!
We should all sing
a sort of footbally type song.
- How working class! - I bet
you've got a voice like hot honey
dribbling down a gangplank.
- Well - Come on, Jez. Vamp it up!
- Let me! I know a brilliant one.
- I just need Jez to do it.
- Please! - No, no!
- I'll scream! - I can scream
louder than anyone here!
Who ate all the pies?
Who ate all the pies?
You fat bastard, you fat bastard
You ate all the pies!
Who ate all the pies?
Who ate all the pies?
You fat bastard, you fat bastard
You ate all the pies! ♪
- It's SO appropriate, isn't it?
- Come on, Jez, give us a solo!
You fat bastard!
Shut up, you rake! Isn't it time
you went to the bog?! I wanna dance.
Boogie!
MUSIC: "Spice Up Your Life"
by The Spice Girls
I'm not doing this with you.
Move off, mister!
Jez! Jez!
MUSIC STOPS
Oi! Jez!
I won't say a word.
- Let's have a look. Cripes! What
a garish piece of stationery. - What?
- What does it say? - You already know!
"Linda, although I am already
spoken for, my love for you is
the size of a small principality."
- Someone's taking the piss! - Big time.
- Give it back, and get out! Go on!
- Mind you don't slip, Suze. I'd hate
for you to end up in traction.
- You fat bastard! - Get out!
Linda, you're such good fun.
You're full of surprises.
Plain girls always have
such super personalities.
Piss off!
Well, I think that I must live
with THE thickest,
- most stupid person on the planet.
- He DID send this to me.
- You sad slapper! - Well,
he couldn't say anything in front
of Kiri Tikawana there, could he?
- What's for pudding? - EastEnders.
- What? - Taped it. My last hope. I'll
study one of the Mitchell brothers.
I think I'll study Phil.
You know, the alcoholic one
with ginger fuzz round his lips.
Ring any bells with you?
Vile! I'm having a bath.
Did you see the way
Jez licked his plate?
At least someone's
in for a good night.
Linda!
Linda!
I'm gonna check the post.
- COCKNEY: - Watch it. - What?
- Will you shut it, woman? I've had
enough of your whingeing. - Tom?!
Well, you're havin' a larf, intcha?
- Tom! - Leave it out!
- Oh, Tom, you'll walk it!
- Shut it, you slag. - Ah-ha-ha!
Oh, Lindy.
I'm so excited, you know?
- 'Ere, break a leg. - Yes. Yes, I will.
ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS
'Darling, you didn't show.
'I've had a dreadful day. The
musical was a nightmare - Su Pollard
was sharp and the champagne was flat.
'They're doing the reconstruction
without you. They're using
Jason Orange, ex-Take That.
'I hope you're satisfied!'
Faster, faster!
My big BREAK!
You bloody bitch!
I'll bloody kill you!