Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce Jake needs to be at the book signing.
He does.
United front sells books.
What's going on with you and Jake? We are taking a break.
You smell like sex.
He's banging Becca Riley? Shit happens, but you don't leave.
It's not always that simple.
I guess I don't understand.
He found these emails between me and someone else.
Was it him? I told you it wasn't like that.
I know you guys are getting a divorce.
We're not getting a divorce.
Abby, yes, we are.
All I need to do is prove him unfit, then I get the kids, and he can't live off the child support.
I remember you hemorrhaging my money to a dominatrix.
I didn't give up.
You did.
I would like to report a drunk driver.
[Siren chirps.]
You need to be touched, Abby.
That's what friends are for.
Please welcome Abby McCarthy.
I believed it all when I wrote it, but now I think, what a pile of horseshit.
And I wasn't trying to sell you a lie.
There were times when I would watch my husband sleeping, and I would think If you would just die, it'd be so much easier.
- Wow, Hoda.
- I know.
- Abby McCarthy is, or was - Yeah.
One of the two untouchable authors - in the mommy book biz, right? - She sure was.
"What To Expect" and, of course, the "Girlfriends' Guide".
- But now? - Oh, my God.
- Wanting your husband dead? - Really.
Well, we all think it at times.
- What? - Yes, of course we do.
- You do? - Of course we do.
If you're married long enough.
But the point is, you're not supposed to say it.
Now she's said it.
- [Cell phone rings.]
- Hey, you.
I hope you're not wallowing and steeping in self-loathing.
I just watched my career funeral on the Today Show.
I told you not to do that.
Don't do that.
It was just there, glaring at me on the TV.
Stop.
Just turn it off, okay? And don't read the comments.
Mother - What comments? Where? - None.
There's none.
There's no comments.
There's no comm there is none.
- Oh, my God.
- Please stop.
Honestly, where's Jake? Are you by yourself? Is he downstairs on the couch, still? I told you that he ran out of places to crash, and now the kids know, it doesn't matter.
How about we call his girlfriend and anybody else that's gonna raise your stress level and have them on the couch too? We are trying to be supportive of each other.
The only divorce that doesn't turn your kids into serial killers is a good div whoa.
- What, what? - Kelly Ripa just tweeted, "stunned.
" "We had Abby McCarthy on our show, and she seemed pretty well-adjusted.
" Abigail Shoshana McCarthy, put the phone down.
Put it down.
Now.
It is down.
It is down.
Okay, now I'm gonna wrangle my boys, start the day.
You are gonna do the same.
You're gonna take a shower.
You're gonna get dressed, and you're gonna show Hoda and company how awesome you are.
'Cause you're number one, and they can't keep you down.
You're Teflon.
Okay.
All right, I love you.
[Sighs.]
[Rock music.]
- Hey.
Hey.
- Hmm? You were gonna take the kids to school this morning, remember? - Mm-hmm.
- I have that meeting with my editor.
Okay.
And we're gonna check out that place for you today.
I'm up, I'm up.
Okay.
Lilly, Charlie? Breakfast in five.
Cat's out today, but there's a fabulous new editor she wants you to meet.
Cat's out? Cat has been my editor for 15 years.
I know, but Melissa's fantastic and Abby.
- Hi.
- I am so excited to meet you.
Thank you.
Uh, I just I was supposed to meet Cat.
Catherine.
And she sends you hugs and kisses, but she got called away for some big meeting.
You know how it is.
- Sure.
- Come on in.
So, obviously, we have a situation.
Yeah, I know, and I was having a really bad day.
Oh, my God, I so understand.
- Right.
- It happens.
The thing is, people have a perception of you, of the brand.
Yes, right, and I was thinking that we'd use the book tour to explain that I didn't actually mean what I said, that I was just very emotional, which I think a lot of women can relate to.
Agreed, agreed, agreed.
Except, um, there is no book tour.
Yes, there is.
I have 11 more cities.
Had.
Barnes & Noble canceled the rest of the dates.
They can't sell a book the author doesn't believe in.
But I do believe in my book.
Just because my own marriage You said you wanted to kill your husband.
I did not say that.
Well, close enough.
[Sighs.]
Shit.
How about rehab? Would you consider rehab? Rehab? I don't have that kind of a problem.
Of course not, but those places will take anybody.
We send out a press release, you're getting treatment.
Boom, you're forgiven.
I'm not comfortable with that.
My kids would hear about it.
Then just lay low for a bit.
We'll see how all this affects sales and regroup.
Regroup.
Regroup.
Yeah.
It looked a lot nicer in the pictures.
I just I think we should take the place across from the grove.
It's got a pool.
The kids will love that.
- It's $4,500 a month.
- I know.
Between that and the mortgage I know, and I have feelers out for work.
I'll go back to camera operating, and we'll put it together.
The thing is, my, um, book tour was canceled.
- What do you mean? - Because, um, you know Because of your public psychotic break? [Sighs.]
Well, it's also been ten years since you've had a job.
It might take you a while to get back on your feet.
Oh, I see, because I'm a failure, when I'm with the kids, I should probably stay somewhere crappy.
Of course not.
It just has to be something between this and $4,500.
You really wished I was dead, huh? Not literally.
And, you know, I was on, like, oxy or something.
Lyla put it in my mouth.
We're gonna keep this as positive as we can, right? Do this as a team.
We're gonna find you something great.
[Cell phone rings.]
- It's gonna be great, okay? - Okay.
It's a legume, which is why I served it to you.
Well, then I guess it's a bean.
- Can you please slow down? - Wild children.
- So no book tour, huh? - Nope.
In one moment of TMI, I basically destroyed my life.
Oh, and Nate started texting me again.
I think he found out about me and Jake, and he wants to rekindle.
Nate? Affair Nate? It was an emotional affair.
We did not even kiss, and I am not going to go there because a lot of people got hurt.
However, he's handsome, he's employed, unlike some people we know.
How exactly is Dan supposed to get a job with that DUI you got him? He can't even drive.
It's not about that.
He was a very high-end executive chef.
He'd be humiliated starting over under somebody like I thought he liked to be humiliated.
I will knock you out.
Do it.
I dare you.
Mom, you know, because of the drought, all of California could be consumed by a super-fire.
Baby, stop reading that stuff.
Why don't you go find the other kids and play a video game? Clean the palate.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Good luck.
- Poor guy.
- I know.
Every day I get an update on the coming water wars and how we should all move to Portland.
Where is Jake, anyways? I thought he was living here again.
He's at Becca's.
I I don't know.
If Jake is with that child, why are you being so accommodating? If it were me, I would be duct taping his scrotal sack to his inner thigh on a nightly basis till he was off that couch.
Yeah, well, um, as interesting as that sounds, we are trying to be on the same team for the kids.
- For the kids.
- To the kids! - To the children.
- Children are our future.
- Huzzah! - Yeah! - Look at me.
- Shh.
Come on.
Look at me.
[Grunts.]
[Both laugh.]
Okay, that's your fault.
I'm not gonna last more than six minutes if you tell me to look at you.
You're too hot.
Okay.
That's a new one.
So what, are you counting backwards or sheep or something? Oh, no, no, not sheep.
Sheep get me off instantly.
- Gross.
- I grew up on a farm.
- You did not.
- With [Bleats.]
hot sheep.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I got that poster Lilly wanted.
Good.
She'll be really pleased.
Thank you.
So does she know we're dating? Mm, not yet, no.
Abby and I said that we would wait before we introduced the kids to anybody that we're we're - anybody new.
- [Chuckles.]
It's hard, huh? Which part? The devastating my kids part or the moving in a shitty apartment in Studio City or the looking for the kind of work I swore I'd never do again? You shouldn't go back to camera operating.
You're a director.
I'm a director with a movie that didn't even get to video and a bunch of projects in development.
And I need to make some money, so I'm really making myself sound sexy here, right? Let's let's stop talking.
No, come on.
Hey.
I want you to talk to me.
It's hard with the work stuff, 'cause You took care of the kids and you took care of everything while Abby built her career.
You've been a great dad and a great partner.
She might not see that, but I do.
You should meet with Mark, my executive producer.
He he would love you, and we're always looking for new directors.
- Oh, for your show? - Yes.
Oh, I don't I don't think I would be comfortable with that.
I I think the Ukraine movie is about to get financed, and I just need something to hold me over until then.
But thank you.
Well, at least forget the shitty apartment and just stay here.
You're amazing.
But? No, we need to take it slow.
I have two kids.
I can't just - move into my girlfriend's house.
- Okay.
All right.
Well, then, just stay at one of my properties downtown.
What? You have property? Hey, I've been working since I was eight.
Real estate's a great investment.
Yeah.
I mean, of course I'm diversified.
A woman in this business has to be smart.
[Shower running.]
This town is all about youth.
Sorry.
I have something that will cheer us up.
Yeah? I got us on Ellen Goodman's baby shower list.
Ellen, the with the downwardly drawn mouth? - Mm-hmm.
- Don't we hate her? We did, until we found out who was hosting her baby shower.
- Who? - Who? - Gwyneth.
- Ah Ellen is Gwyneth's life coach.
Doom face Ellen is a life coach? - That's really funny.
- Hey.
Don't don't judge, Miss Public Divorce.
And that's why we are invited.
I guess Gwyneth apparently saw the YouTube barnes - Careful.
- Incident.
And she thought it was genius.
She relates.
I don't really? I thought she had the perfect divorce.
Didn't she do it was, like, a conscious Conscious uncoupling.
All spin.
She probably hates the way Coldplay breathes.
Nobody has a perfect divorce.
You're fine.
Everybody knows splitting up is hell.
Fine? My editor is a child who published "Henry the ADHD Hippo".
It's just a setback, baby.
You're gonna be fine.
We got your back.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, uncomfortable hippie shit aside, you've got to lawyer up.
No, Jake and I, we had this conversation before we got married, and we promised that if things ever went this way that we would be fair.
He's not gonna take me to the cleaners.
Yeah, but you had that conversation about 17 years ago.
Did you get it in writing? No.
Well, then, it never happened.
My divorce attorney is actually great.
Delia, she's amazing.
- Hang on.
- What? - Don't call Delia.
- Don't tell her to call Delia.
- Who's Delia? Delia Banai is a pathological liar.
- What? Based on what? - She she Based on the fact that I work with her.
She wants couples to fight.
More billable hours.
And 50% of the stuff she says is straight-up lies.
Well, she's a lawyer.
[Sighs.]
Sorry.
I'm trying to help you out here.
Anyway, thank you so much for dinner.
Lyla.
I don't even I don't even want a lawyer.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's not about that.
Lyla.
Don't be mad.
Eric, Spencer, honey, it's time to head out.
Mom, where's the car? I parked here, right? Yeah yeah yeah you know you're losing it yeah yeah yeah slip back, come on - let's get it all on - - slip back, come on - - let's all get it on - This is not funny.
These texts are not funny.
I'm finding them pretty amusing.
Oh, you're dead.
You are so dead.
Oh, oh, and handicapped? I swear to God, if you don't tell me where to find my goddamn car I knew it.
You can dish it out, but you can't take it.
Where's the car, Dan? I can't I can't oh, God.
Don't provoke me.
I don't have time for this crap.
I have a job.
Fine.
Fine.
Last one.
[Cell phone beeps.]
Bitch on wheels? Oh, you want to do this? You want to do this? I will crush you.
Not this time, sweetheart.
I finally got my sack back, and it's bigger than yours.
Dan, where's the Did that please you, mistress? Very much.
I'm the only woman who gets to dominate you, and don't you forget it.
You need to drive me to goddamn Compton because my car's been impounded.
Okay.
That's it, honey, come on! That's okay, Diego.
We'll get them next time, buddy, all right? All right.
- All right, guys, stay sharp.
- Hey, Charlie, you're up.
Let's get the bats going, guys, all right? [Sighs.]
Man, we're off today.
We're giving it up.
All right.
So how you doing? You okay? Yeah, you know, as good as can be expected.
Anything I can do? No, I I need to get some work.
Good eye, Charlie.
Stay in there.
- Charlie.
- Man.
Stay in the stay - Look that way.
- It's okay, Charlie.
There you go.
Well, if you need some work, you know, you could always come help me out.
Yeah, like, mow and blow? I'm a landscape designer.
We install landscape that I design.
So planting? Jesus.
Screw me for offering.
I'm sorry.
I was I'm I'm just kidding.
I don't mean to sound like that.
I appreciate it.
I'll think about it.
Of course, you're family.
You know, if you need some time money-wise, Abby's not gonna freeze you out.
That's complicated.
Why? Maybe because I feel like I don't got any balls.
You can't you can't think that way, dude.
And I know my sister.
You can depend on her.
She still loves you.
And she hates me, and it's anybody's guess which side There you go! There you go! - Run, run, run, run, run, run! - There you go! [All cheering.]
Okay, okay.
Stay there, stay there.
Come on, come on, come on, keep coming.
- There you go! - Come on, come on.
Yeah! Yeah! The thing with Dan, you get it all done? I got the applications, all 40 of them.
Good.
Thank you.
[Phone rings.]
Hello? Yes.
- [Beep.]
- Hold on.
Hello? [Chuckles.]
- [Beep.]
- Hold on.
And this is for which restaurant? Souplantation? I - [Beep.]
- Hold on.
How did you get this number? Yes, I agree I'm overqualified to work at Chili's.
Lose my goddamn application.
[Phone ringing.]
- Come on, Abby, push it! - I hate you.
- Pick your knees up.
- Knees? Pick they have to go higher.
All the way through.
Oh, my God.
[Panting.]
Now squats.
Jesus.
Give me a minute.
So Thanks for showing up today.
I know you're pissed at me.
Awesome strategy, getting me too exhausted to yell at you.
I said something really stupid, and I'm sorry.
I know you meant well, I really do.
I just love you guys.
I introduced you two.
I can't imagine Yeah, me neither, but Jake is living on the couch if he's not sleeping with his superhot girlfriend, and Lilly is barely speaking to me, and we have this session with the mediator coming up.
Mediator? They're more like counselors than lawyers.
They help you agree on compromises and avoid legal hell and all the animosity and What if they think that you should still be together? Max.
I'm just saying, keep an open mind.
- Marriage - It's no-Judgment Day today.
Please.
[Cell phone vibrates.]
Sorry.
Hey, Pheeps.
Okay.
I think I was just asked out on a gay date by Phoebe.
- The model? - Yeah.
She wants to have dinner with me alone.
She's gay? Since when? She's more ambisexual, but she planted one on me the other night.
What? I mean, talk about burying the lead.
I know.
It's so crazy.
She basically offered to take me to bed.
Are you gonna let her? She's sexy as hell.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my if you go gay too, mom and dad would plotz.
No, I mean, she was very soft, and her hair smelled really good, but for better or for worse, I'm all about dick.
[Chuckles.]
You and me both, sister.
[Laughs.]
You look great, by the way.
Right this way.
- You're so tense, mama.
- Yeah.
You need a massage or something.
- Something.
- I have a surprise for you.
I seriously think you're gonna click with this gal.
What is this? Is this a setup? - Don't be mad.
- Excuse me.
Phoebe, I treasure our friendship so much, but I am not gay or bi.
And I'm not attracted to you in that way or your friend.
What are you talking about? You are setting me up with a woman, and and you kissed me the other night.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I'm such a lezzy drunk.
Half the time, I don't even remember I do it.
That's Delia Banai, my divorce lawyer.
Oh, my God.
I'm not even thinking about sex right now.
Oh.
Now I'm really focused on my new business.
- Oh, on your business? - Yes.
Wow, what is it? I don't know.
I'm still meditating on it.
But I feel it coming.
- Okay.
- Come with me.
Delia, this is Abby.
- Abby, this is Delia.
- Delia.
Phoebe didn't tell me you are such a dish.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you.
When you're ready, I have, like, 50 divorced guys to introduce you to.
Thank you.
So mediation you may as well burn all your money and move into a homeless shelter right now.
What? No.
I was told Mediators are jackals.
Why? Because they prey on the idea of a "good divorce.
" There is no such thing.
There is one person getting fleeced because they feel bad.
You're the earner, right? You don't want someone to fight for compromise.
You want someone to fight for you.
Jake works, too.
He's just transitioning.
He's been transitioning for ten years.
So you make all the money.
- I've been very lucky.
- No, you haven't.
You have been strong and ambitious and smart.
I see it all the time, Abby.
A woman earner comes out of a failed marriage, she feels guilty.
She's full of apologies because she's been the man, and that is not natural.
- What? - I'm not saying it's wrong.
I'm saying it's not natural.
Think about it.
In the span of human history, how long has a woman been allowed to have more power than a man? It's a sliver.
It's nothing.
True.
That's true.
We may say we want a man who will wash the dishes and change the diapers, but, oh, God, we do not want to screw him.
[Laughter.]
And he's not too thrilled with us either.
That's why marriage as we know it is dead.
- Wow.
There you go.
- Mm.
And your ex may be reasonable now, but if he was comfortable transitioning instead of working, he will be comfortable taking you for all he can get.
It's just not Jake's style.
You don't know what his style is, precious.
Not anymore.
Divorce makes people crazy.
You don't want to go to war with a water pistol, Abby.
Be smart.
[Cell phone rings.]
Oh, I have to take this.
Hold on a sec.
I have an ex holding my client's dogs hostage because he threw her Manolos in the pool.
[Laughs.]
God, it's always the goddamn dogs.
This is Delia.
[School bell rings.]
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You have your dominatrix driving the kids to school? How much is that costing you? What do you want me to do? You got my license suspended.
So stop turning down every job I've put you up for.
Maybe pay for a car service.
Those were a "screw you," Lyla, and you know it.
I was Food & Wine's most promising chef.
That was a lifetime ago.
One restaurant fails, and you quit? Again.
It starts again.
Again.
Well, then use your head and keep your fetish I don't need to hear this speech.
- I'm done.
- Don't make me keep giving it! Yeah.
Did you see Logan? He didn't sing at all.
The stage lights work like a freeze ray on him.
I know.
It's so cute.
It is.
I love those kids.
Oh, God.
Um, I got to can I call you later? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Bye.
You have to stop texting me.
Not until you give me one minute.
I mean, you haven't said a word to me since you and Jake split.
One minute.
That was quite the morning sing.
That one ham, Davis, - the upstager? - Davis, yeah.
Oh, somebody ought to punch that little kid in the face.
At least take away his finger cymbals.
Nate, I don't have a lot of Look, just just one minute, please? I was just I just want to know how you're doing with everything.
I mean, I feel half responsible.
Don't feel responsible.
It was a lot more complicated than what happened between us, and all that stuff that we wrote each other was Helvetica oxygen.
I mean, for me, anyway.
Having somebody like you in my life, it's just it's amazing.
[Chuckles.]
[Both laugh.]
Please don't.
Oh, God.
It's Jake.
[Bleep.]
.
I have to go.
Nate, you are married, and that makes me guilty.
Look, Abby.
Abby, look.
Forget about us, okay? I mean, forget about guilt.
- I just I'm happy for you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
- You're free.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh.
Oh! Oh.
Oh.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my pretty baby.
How is it that you always blow my mind? I'm just that good.
So how's your business idea going, the gym? What was it, kundasize? Cardiolini.
It's kundalini yoga plus cardio.
Turns out somebody's already doing it in the Valley.
You're such an 818 snob.
Nothing truly cool has or ever will originate in the Valley.
Uh, waterslides, porn, mullets.
All exceptions that prove the rule.
I don't know what my business is gonna be.
It just have to have the right vibrations, you know? Or you can keep doing this for me.
You know I like paying you.
I know you do, daddy.
I love it.
It's beautiful.
It's just that now that the kids are in school, the nanny just sits home all day staring at me like, "get a job.
" Oh, God, well, if the nanny's judging you, - by all means, get a job.
- I'm serious.
I'm alone all the time.
I need something.
I I hate being alone.
- You know that.
- Oh, you won't be.
I'm sure you'll find another sucker to marry you any day now.
[Kisses.]
[Door opens and closes.]
How about that, hmm? Rosa, where are the kids? Charlie's playing outside.
Lilly's in her room.
Okay.
Thank you.
Can I ask you something? Always.
Am I gonna be fired? What? What? No.
We would be lost without you here.
People split.
They can't pay me.
It's happened before.
Oh, my God.
It's you're not fired.
It's gonna be fine.
And you and Jake, it's so sad.
It is, but we're still a family.
We're just a different kind of family.
Oh, my God.
[Sighs.]
- [Knocking at door.]
- [Electronic music.]
[Door opens.]
Hey.
Hey! Knock, please.
I did.
[Music stops.]
What's that? Oh, dad gave it to me.
Says one day, I might even be able to meet her.
Oh.
That's that's special.
Excuses Hello, Veruca.
Sit thine ass down.
We need to talk.
I get paid by the hour, even for talking.
Or whatever you want.
I know.
I've been paying you for the last two years.
You and I are not so different.
You work with leather, I work with law, but ultimately, we're both very good at bringing people to their knees.
I can see that.
Excellent, because I am going to make you an offer you shouldn't refuse.
Go on.
There are four reasons mediation fails.
One person is still in love with the other, one person hates the other so much, they won't be reasonable, one or both of you won't or can't trust each other, and denial of California state law.
Did you fill out the forms I sent you? - Yup.
- We did.
But all these particulars, having to agree on the kids' diet and vacation time and doctor's appointments, all that stuff has to be in our agreement? The more you have stuff figured out now, the less you have to fight about later.
Yeah, but it just seems a little extreme.
Like the religion thing, I mean, do we really have to know now who the kids are gonna be with on the high holidays? Well, you can always revisit, but yes.
- Well, that does seem - I mean, I would it is important to me to have it in writing that the kids continue to be raised Jewish.
Why wouldn't they be? Well, you know.
[Chuckles.]
Also, I think it would be really great for us to have Shabbat together every week.
Okay.
I just feel like the traditions weren't always that important to you.
We've never done Shabbat every week, but what do you mean by "you know"? His mother's not Jewish.
Here we go.
I don't have I didn't get the magic blood.
I'm not a real Jew.
I didn't say you weren't a real Jew.
I said you weren't a full Jew.
Maybe I should convert, even though I was bar mitzvahed.
You know, let me stop you and I'm just saying I would like it in writing.
And maybe you could tell us something from the torah, maybe about fidelity or being a nafkeh.
- Nice.
- Okay.
That's a slut, by the way, and I was faithful.
It depends on how you define that.
And I'm not the one who's shtupping an actress who thinks 27 Dresses is a classic.
- Okay.
- How old is she? Let's take a ten-minute break and just cool down.
How about we just stop for the day? I'm not feeling particularly reasonable, but maybe it's because I'm a fake Jew? - Would you move that? - You can get around it.
- Oh, my God.
- Jesus.
[Door opens and closes.]
Beep, beep, beep.
All right.
I am fully prepared to be a dog in this game.
Hey.
Hey.
Say hi to daddy.
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi, dad.
Um You play with the ladder, and I'm gonna be right back.
Okay, mom.
You're a full Jew, sorry.
Thank you.
- My parents will be so relieved.
- [Chuckles.]
And, um, about what you saw yesterday at the school - No, no.
- I was telling him to stop contacting me.
Abby, Abby, you know, it's none of my business, not anymore.
Wow, no ring.
Yeah.
It seemed like it was time.
Yeah.
I should probably, uh I just really want this mediation thing to work, to be as good as something awful can be.
- Me, too.
- Good.
- And Shabbat is a good idea.
- Thank you.
It's a good it's a good tradition for the kids.
Great.
Great.
Good.
Did you see any new places? I did.
They sucked.
Oh, well, if you want me to check any out with you, I'm in.
I just have this stupid baby shower thing, but I will be home in time for Shabbat.
Good.
I got to get off that couch.
It's killing my back.
Oh, well, we could trade tonight.
I could take the couch.
Really? That would be great.
Thank you.
[Hip-hop music.]
Okay.
Out the dirt, from the gutter I came I never actually thought he would take me up on it.
It's starting already, the guilt.
- I could have predicted this.
- And now my back is killing me.
Of course it is.
Of course it is.
Do you know what Delia told me? That Gwyneth is renting this house for $120,000 a month.
Typical Delia.
We're not supposed to tell people that.
Oh, is Gwyneth a client? We're not supposed to tell people that.
- She is.
- Oh, she so is.
- You'll get no confirmation.
- What is she like in person? In person, is she reedy like Madonna, like she chose ass over face? She looks like a Grecian goddess.
Boo.
Boring.
And she seems to glow from within.
Oh.
By the way, doom baby, I got one of those slings, the fancy ones.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is that enough? - Wait, no, no, the silk one? - Yeah.
I got the same thing.
Crap, I got the same thing.
- Just put your name on my card.
- No.
I am not doing that.
I am not doing that.
I'm gonna find something great.
In your bag? Trust me.
You will see.
You can't give a baby Tic Tacs.
You can't give a baby rubber.
- You can't give a baby Mentos.
- I would not give a baby You can't give a baby loose tobacco.
One heart [Indistinct chatter.]
I'm steamed.
I give her a Cavalli changing pad, nothing, no reaction.
Who looks miserable opening all these presents? No, I think she tried to smile.
- She just can't use her face.
- [Laughs.]
- That's so wrong.
- No, it's true.
Did you see no one gave her my book? - Did you notice that? - She probably already has it.
My card was magnificent, hand-crafted calligraphy.
I'm investing in a small artisanal stationery business.
What? That doesn't really sound like you.
It isn't, but guess whose dominatrix has a small artisanal stationery business? - Oh, no.
- No, Lyla.
- What are you up to? - Yes, Abigail, social justice.
I'm helping a sex worker better her life.
[Laughs.]
- Oh, it's so pretty.
- Thank you, that's mine.
Oh, I just love it.
Is that baby jewelry? Where did you buy that? I made it, actually.
Well, it's incredible.
Thank you very much.
Manicure scissors, tweezers, bracelet, perfect infant jewelry.
- Well, half a bracelet.
- Phoebe.
The bracelet from Ralf? You gave baby Goodman whore jewelry? - Desperate times.
- Talk about an angle.
Get a little closer, let fold cut open my sternum and pull my little ribs around you the lungs of me be crowns over you [Laughs.]
- How are you? - How are you, dear? - Is that - That's Becca.
That's Jake's girlfriend.
- That is Becca.
- Oh, my gosh.
Wow.
My little ribs around you [Alternative music.]
Mistress, did I come on the wrong day? Aren't you gonna punish me? Dan, I can't keep seeing you.
My calendar is just too full.
What? Haven't I been a good slave? Adequate.
It's time for you to move on.
Good luck to you.
Abby, right? Uh, yes.
Becca, right? Uh, you know how do you know Ellen? - Does she coach your life? - Oh, no.
Gwyneth used to babysit me when I was a kid, so Becca, hi.
Babysat you? I hope it's okay.
I just I want to tell you how impressed I am with you and Jake, how you're handling everything.
I wish my parents had been so mature when they split.
Oh, thank you.
And I think the kids are gonna love staying at the Paradiso.
It's a little tacky, but it's like living in a hotel, and the location, it's like Uh, no, we haven't decided on anything.
Really? Jake told me he signed the lease today.
It's the right thing, don't you think? [Indistinct chatter.]
Are you okay? - I need to leave.
Now.
- Okay.
See you later.
Hello, lovely.
Phoebe.
[Gasps.]
You look amazing.
You look amazing, as always.
Oh, thank you.
Are you still making jewelry? I am so still making jewelry.
I'm starting a line.
- Ready? - Ready.
Infant Fabuleux.
[Gasps.]
No.
Fine jewelry for infants.
- Brilliant.
- And I want you to make it.
Out of this? You think you can work with that? Come on.
Of course I can work with it.
[Chuckles.]
Dad, we can tell them they should only give people water - if they ask.
- I'll tell them.
- How about this? Every house - I'll tell them, but, buddy, you've got to stop worrying about this so much, okay? I'm never gonna let you go thirsty.
I'm so sorry, but this card was declined, too.
What? That's every card I have.
We don't normally do this, but we know you, so we could take a check.
Thank you.
Can't you shake? No, you just want to eat.
I don't blame you.
It's okay.
[Gasps.]
Hi.
- Hi, mom.
- Hi, mom.
Hi.
Come here.
- Hello.
Was the movie good? - Hi.
Yes.
- Yeah.
- Boys.
- Okay.
Give your mom and me a minute.
Okay um What? What the hell are you doing? All my credit cards were just declined.
I know.
They're in my name.
All the accounts are in my name.
So what are you trying to prove, that you control me? No, I told you, don't provoke me.
I'm so tired of it.
Even Mistress Latex had to move on.
You had me arrested.
I drive a car that says "bitch on wheels.
" It was a prank, which you had coming, by the way, but you just made sure that I couldn't pay for food for our kids.
Oh, my God, so dramatic.
Dramatic? Jesus, Lyla, you don't even see yourself.
I fired back, admitted, but when you play, you play to hurt, and not just me, Spencer and Eric, too.
No.
You never should have had kids.
It's just not in your wheelhouse.
What? I'm gonna sue for full custody.
How's that for dramatic? [Door opens and closes.]
Hey.
Hey.
What's this? I want you out today.
What the hell? I just heard, from Becca, by the way, that you signed that lease.
Okay, she told me that you guys met.
I was gonna tell you as soon as I came home.
[Laughing.]
You were gonna tell me? You need to ask me first.
Do I need to remind you that I I don't know where our next dollar's coming from? I'm in real trouble.
Yeah, and whose fault is that? I'm not the one who told you to tell the world you were full of shit.
And why do I have to ask? We have savings.
I have access to savings.
I have savings.
That is my money! Right, you have savings, because what I've contributed to this family doesn't count for dick to you! You're the one who told me to pursue directing exclusively.
- I shouldn't have said that.
- No, you shouldn't have.
And does this have anything to do with the fact that you heard it from my girlfriend? - Does it? - Your girlfriend whose ass - is hanging out in a poster - Oh, God, come on.
In our 14-year-old daughter's bedroom.
Nice move, Jake.
Well, maybe we should talk about it in mediation, and you can have it in writing that Lilly can have her dad's hot piece of ass hanging on the wall as long as you get to cavort with a married man at school where the whole world can see you! Oh, whatever, whatever! I just want you out today, now.
Just get out.
And I suggest you hire a lawyer, because I have.
- Oh, is that what you suggest? - Yes.
Thank you.
I already have.
[Man speaking Italian on recording.]
[Repeating in Italian.]
[Cell phone rings.]
Delia Banai.
It's Abby, Abby McCarthy.
I'd like to retain your services.
[A Great Big World's Say Something.]
Hi, it's Jake Novack calling for Ben Carver.
Um, I wanted to get the names of some divorce lawyers from him.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
- Dad, dad, dad, dad! - Hey, you guys.
We rode all the way to the top of the hill.
- No way.
- He only fell, like, ten times.
Did not.
I'll be the one Mom said we were gonna do Shabbat, or Yeah, we are.
Um, I'll be right in.
Go ahead.
I'll meet you in there.
Shabbat, shabbutt.
- [Laughs.]
Charlie.
- anywhere I - Go.
- would have followed you Bear with me here.
It's been a while.
Say something I'm giving up on you - [Blows.]
- Good job.
and I am feeling so small [Speaking Hebrew.]
- Was over my head - [Continues in Hebrew.]
I know nothing at all and I And now the prayer over the children.
Will swallow my - pride - [Speaking Hebrew.]
You're the one that I love and I'm saying good-bye say something I'm giving up on you