Go On s01e02 Episode Script

1 New York Marathon's coming up.
You know who won't be there? Moi.
That is French for "me.
" Because I can't run? Yes.
Because I don't support a day where people can just pee wherever they want? Oh, yes.
But most of all, I think long distance running is lonely.
I can't stand being alone.
In fact, I'm gonna go to Chris in San Diego right now.
Chris, be with me.
I need your take on the Chargers' defense now more than ever.
Woo! Taking the look from day to night.
No more "I work in a man's world.
"I wanna be taken seriously.
I'm gonna dress like a Russian grandmother.
" You know what? This is my first night out in two weeks, so you're not gonna spoil this for me.
I can't believe Ryan isn't making you stay late.
You guys have had a lot of work lately.
No, he just doesn't want to go home to his empty house, and so he keeps coming up with lamer and lamer excuses to work late.
Oh, we need to pull clips for the "best of" show.
We should start early, because I've been inordinately "best" this year.
We need to come up with different ways for me to do our station I.
D.
[Low voice.]
K-bal.
[Lighter.]
K-bal.
[Imitating soccer announcer.]
K-baaal! Carrie, could you come in here for a moment? [Laughs.]
I'm just kidding.
You don't have to come in.
That was pretty funny, though, right? You know what? You better come in.
And then he gets bored of the work, and he says You know what might be fun? You know what might be fun? You know what might be fun? And then we have what he thinks is fun.
That's the domino's.
You know what might be fun? [Black Keys' Lonely boy.]
Movin' into this nursing home has been rough.
Well, let's talk it through.
Just what is it about the nursing home that's bothering you? I hate old people and I hate sick people.
You know what could make things more fun? You're blind and black, so why don't you find a friend who's white and deaf, and then you can be like Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor Stop, stop doing what you're doing.
- So can I talk? - Mm - hmm.
My boyfriend Jason's driving me crazy.
Sometimes, he stares at me, and I'm like, "what's with that look?" And he's like, "it's just my face.
" Let's dig a little deeper.
What do you think is the undercurrent of No, don't dig deeper.
She hates his face.
So, unless he gets a new face, that's kind of a deal breaker.
Well, it would appear that way on the surface, but [Mimics buzzer.]
You know what this group's problem is? We spend all of our time in the huddle talking, and we never run a play, we never take action.
It's always stasis.
Sonia, what do you wanna do about your boyfriend? You know what? I wanna dump him.
Do it then! Dump his ass.
Yeah, either break up with him, or stop talking about it.
Did any of you know I hate my mother? I haven't been able to bring it up because of all the Jason chatter.
[Chanting.]
Dump him.
All: Dump him! Dump him! Dump him! Dump Okay, it's getting a little "villagers coming for Frankenstein" in here.
I'm gonna dump him.
I'm gonna call him tonight.
- Tonight? - Why wait? - Do it now.
- Yeah.
What does it mean when I light the serenity candle? That everything fun stops? - [Gasps.]
- Hello, Jason? I am tired of you, and your food blog, and your obsession with the plausibility of living on other planets or at the bottom of the sea.
And you hate his face.
Ooh, ooh! Insult his genitalia.
We hate that.
You tell that low-down dirty fool that the Sonia train is now, uh, an express, and, uh Don't give up, George.
It won't be stopping at the Jason station.
He did it.
He was able to do it.
Oh, there it is.
You are broken up with, mister.
- Ow! - Yeah! Wow, I feel like we really got carried away.
- Why don't we ask ourselves - Shh.
No more questions.
We want action, and Ryan King is a man of action.
[Chanting.]
We want action.
All: We want action! No more stasis.
All: No more stasis! Action.
Ah stasis! All: Action! Ah stasis! - Ryan? - [Gasps.]
I, um, I know you like to stir up controversy, but this isn't sports radio, okay? You can't solve people's problems in 30 seconds.
[Chuckles.]
I kind of just solved Sonia's.
Did you, or did you just help her avoid doing some serious emotional work within the context of a relationship? The first one.
Ryan, you're good at your job, but so am I, and I'm here to tell you your words have consequences.
Ryan? Hey, that was the most exciting session we've ever had.
Hey, you love sports.
I-I got something you should see.
A real piece of basketball history.
Oh, I'd like to see that.
Well, come by the house, and, uh, bring your friend, uh, Steven with you.
He's a real cool guy.
He is a cool guy.
And you know what he likes? Action.
Action! Action! - Yeah, I'm done with that.
- Oh.
Somebody named Sonia here to see you.
She said she's from your group, and she seems crazy, so I believe her.
Really? Did you tell her that I was Hey, Sonia! That's fun.
What's goin' on? Nothin'.
What's up with you? Well, I'm working.
That's why I'm here at work.
Yeah.
I'm lonely too.
Just keep thinking about Jason.
Now, Sonia, remember how we decided not to dwell on our feelings? What's better than feeling? - Action? - That's right.
Action.
No, no, no.
This is the fastest way out.
So you lost your boyfriend.
You gotta fill the void.
What else do you enjoy? Mm, back when I had a cat, I never felt lonely.
I loved taking care of him.
- So let's get you a cat.
- You think? Yes! Why are we still talking about this? Go, get a cat right now, before the cat store closes.
I say "Sonia," you say "cat.
" Sonia! Sonia! Cat! Cat! I say "Ryan," you say "best friend!" Ryan! Are you saying it? Hey, you may wanna get some take-out menus.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to work late again tonight.
Oh, yeah, it's no problem, boss.
Let me just make a quick phone call.
Hi, Sophie.
Yeah, I cannot come meet you at the point tonight.
Yes, I am working late tonight again.
It's just me and my boss.
We're just eatin' out of Styrofoam.
It's a fake phone call, isn't it? You're not talking to anyone.
You're trying to get a point across by making a fake phone call.
Okay, I get it.
Go have fun with Sophie, if she even is a real person.
[Upbeat acoustic music.]
Hey, you know what might be fun? [Laughter.]
Carrie! Hey! I've made it! There you are.
I've been lookin' all over for you.
[Laughs.]
What are you doing here? Ah, you forgot your hat, and I thought I'd be amazing and bring it down to you.
Here you go.
I'm amazing.
This is not my hat.
Yeah, I know.
And the Kings won the Stanley Cup, so put that on.
[Ladies giggle.]
There you go-o-o! Looks great.
So - Hi, I'm Sophie.
- Hi.
- This is Reina.
- Hi, I'm Ryan, Carrie's boss.
I recognized you from your Billboard.
Oh, well, don't be intimidated, uh, by us Billboard people.
We're just like you.
In fact, I was just riding over with the Burger King.
He's a funny guy.
[Laughter.]
[Forced laughing.]
- Ryan, hi.
- Hey, Jack.
No waiting for you.
- How many in your party? - Well, I don't know.
Is it a party of one, or a party of four? - Four.
- Definitely four.
- Right this way.
- Okay, ladies, after you.
Drinks are on me.
All right? Except for you though 'cause we're gonna have to work late.
- [Exhales.]
- I'm serious.
George! We're here.
Ryan, hello.
Hey, cuz, how's it hangin'? Steven, my brother.
What up, blood? Love your crib.
Come in.
Sit down.
What? Does George think you're black? I think so.
I didn't say anything, but I can see how he'd get there.
I have an innate street credibility.
No one with sight has ever thought so.
So, George, you wanted to, uh, show us something? Brace yourself.
It's a real piece of sports history.
I even made a special case for it.
Take a look.
Ah, it's not every day you see something like this.
What do you, uh what do you call a thing like that? - It's a basketball.
- No, yeah, no, yeah, I know.
Uh, no, no, I mean, what do you call it? Because I'll call it "the Rock," "the Pumpkin," "the Round Dribbly" I was nervous about displaying it because of its value.
Can you read the name on it? Steven, why don't you read it? You know how George loves the sound of your voice.
Dig that, Ryan.
Um, the thing is I don't have my specs.
It's Wilt Chamberlain's signature on a ball from his 100-point game.
Oh, that is so awful, because I'm a big fan of defense.
That game was one of the great experiences of my life.
Hand me that ball.
I haven't touched it in a long time.
Sure! Just let me, uh, get it out of the case here.
Boy, that is really in there.
Is it hermetically sealed? Homey, we need to talk.
I got a cat like you said.
God! Good, Sonia, good.
Yeah, fuzzy Jason's amazing.
Thanks again.
You really made my life better.
Oh hey, would you do me a favor and say that in front of Lauren? I think she's beginning to question my awesomeness.
The only problem is now fuzzy Jason's home alone while I'm at work, and I worry.
Mo' money, mo' problems, right? Not really.
It just makes me feel like Don't feel, Sonia.
That's where we get bogged down.
You and I, we're doers.
What do you wanna do? I wanna get fuzzy Jason a friend.
I wanna get a second cat, damn it.
You know, I wasn't looking for a protege, Sonia, but I guess when the teacher's ready, the student appears.
- Cats! - Right.
So what's up with the George museum over here? From now on, anything I own that's worth anything, I keep with me so no one will steal it.
Ryan told me what happened to your basketball, George.
I'm so sorry.
How you holdin' up, buddy? How do you think? I had something I love cruelly and suddenly taken away.
You wouldn't understand.
Well, I did lose the love of my life.
I'm talking about something you can bounce.
Ah.
[Whispering.]
Poor George.
I don't know how to help him.
[Jazz music playing.]
Uh, can we turn this off? Jazz makes me nervous.
It's too sexual.
This is John Coltrane.
It comforts me, and we gonna listen to it.
[Exhales.]
Whoever this is, it better be a woman.
Hey, Carrie! [Chuckles.]
I just got a, uh, text from Sonia.
- From your group? - Yeah.
You know how I like to take people under my wing, better them? She's kind of my project this week.
She just adopted a cat, so cute.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Let me ask you: Is this the same cat? Uh, I'm countin' three cats.
No, four.
No, the first one had spots.
That's five.
That's curious.
Eh, whatever makes her happy.
So, what is on tap for us tonight? Oh, Ryan.
Gah! You know, it never occurred to me that you would wanna do something, and I made these plans, and it's at this place that you would hate [Chuckles.]
And, uh, it's set in stone, so Sounds like it'd be hard to cancel.
What is it? So all they do here is blow-dry hair? [Phone beeps.]
I love it.
[Phone beeps.]
Whoa, miss popular, gettin' a lot of texts there.
Are they from a boy? Has to be, 'cause all of Carrie's angels are right here.
Is it somebody from the office? Is it Eric from sound editing? Sophie, does Carrie ever talk to you about boys at all? She talks about an Eric.
She does? I was just fishing! I knew it! Carrie and Eric, Carrie and e Okay This has gotta stop.
Look, I know that you are going through a lot, but I gotta have my own life.
I'm your assistant.
I'm I can't be more.
I need more.
No, that's where you say, "I'm sorry for asking so much of you.
" Hey, I lost the person that cared about me more than anyone else in the world, and now I don't wanna go home because everything reminds me of her.
Please? A lot of people care about you.
Yeah, but not like you.
Come on, you were always the vice Janie, and now you gotta step it up, because the current vice-vice Janie owns up to five different cats.
[Chuckles.]
All right, okay, fine.
Can there just, at least, be some guidelines? Sure.
- You go first.
- Great.
Uh, how about stop throwing soccer balls at my head? Done.
I'm gonna take the next three.
If I'm watching The daily show, Can I call you and repeat funny things that Jon Stewart has just said? Yes.
If I get invited to a wedding, and the dress is Havana casual, can you tell me what that means? Yes, I can tell you that you're supposed to wear a linen suit, and also, don't go to that wedding, 'cause it sounds stupid.
Perfect.
This next one may be pushing it a little bit.
I wanna know that someone is thinking about me, even if I'm not around.
I can do that.
Of course, you're gonna have to agree to sometimes not be around.
I can do that.
I'll start right now.
Good night, one of the Bee-Gees.
Good night, St.
Elmo's fire Rob Lowe.
Hey, Rye-bread! We're havin' fun with my name.
That's good.
[Cat meows.]
Here's a question.
What are you doing here? Oh, you need to watch the cats for a few hours.
Lauren's gonna stop by my house to check on me, and she gets all judge-y because she thinks I use cats to avoid human relationships, and you're so awesome, and you get it.
I thought I did.
Weren't you supposed to just get one more cat? You know how it is.
You get two, and then you think, "it'd be nice to have a third," but then you don't want one to be the "middle" cat.
Then you're like, "I've got four, I'm so close to five.
" Then you decide you wanna have a six-pack! Then you say, "maybe it's too much," and then you say, "action!" Thanks! Bye, Ry-Clef Jean From the Fugees! You're coming back, though, right? Protege? [Cat meows.]
She's coming back, though, right? [Cats meowing.]
[Doorbell rings.]
[Cat yells.]
Hey.
Did you, by any chance, tell Sonia it was a good idea for her to start getting cats? She seemed ready, so Ah! You got it all figured out, don't you, King? I don't feel like I had all the information.
Here you go, smart guy.
[Cat meows.]
There are more? I thought she gave me all the cats.
Why is she spreading around the cats? Because she doesn't want you to realize she's crazy.
Even six cats is crazy.
This doesn't make any sense.
Yeah, because she's crazy.
[Doorbell rings.]
Dude.
[Doorbell rings.]
They keep rubbing against me.
It's too sexual.
[Doorbell rings.]
These guys are firecrackers.
[Doorbell rings.]
No mas gatos! [Doorbell rings.]
Where are the cats? What cats? So, as you can see, Lauren, there are no cats here, and I'm totally fine.
[Phone vibrates.]
Oops, so sorry.
- Do you mind if I get this? - Take your time.
I'll refill our saucers Glasses.
Glasses.
- Hello? - Hey, Lauren.
It's Ryan from From your group.
Listen, you're gonna find this to be very funny, but I have a small problem.
You're surrounded by cats, aren't you? Right now, they're pretty disorganized, but if they ever get their act together, I think the power will shift quickly.
I'm beginning to think Sonia's problem - was not her boyfriend.
- Yeah.
She wants a long-term, meaningful connection, but she's afraid of abandonment, so cats are a crutch and a compulsion.
- They're not a cure.
- Yeah, listen.
While you said all that, two cats went into the corner and I'm fairly certain, just made another cat.
I'll make you a deal.
I'll take care of Sonia, and you take care of the cats.
Deal.
Cats! Cats! Ow, ow, ow.
God! Ow! Stop it! Oww! [Cat shrieks.]
Friend for life! Cats ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, you minion of the Antichrist.
So the house is empty now, but I have 50 pounds of fresh Kitty Litter if anyone knows someone who wants it.
Does anyone have any thoughts? Well, I have something I would like to share.
Ryan found homes for all of the cats except for one.
- Aww.
- So I thought it might be nice for us to have a group cat.
You know, we could all take turns taking care of it, and it'll be a bond that'll connect us for a really long time.
Thank you, Lauren.
You're so wonderful.
Aww.
Hey.
Hi.
I just wanted to apologize.
Turns out you are really good at your thing, and I am so not.
Yeah, um, don't ever "game show buzz" me again.
- What do you - [lmitates buzzer.]
- Oh, I do I did do that.
- You did.
- Didn't I? - Yeah.
Yeah, listen, I am never gonna try to help - anyone ever again.
- No, look.
Everyone in the group has their own unique gift.
Just bring what you bring, and trust that you can help in your own way.
Are we on the floor? Yep, best seats in the house, George.
I called in a few favors.
Here we go.
Uh, $2,000 seats for a blind man.
You are weird, Ryan King.
White guys.
Am I right? They're all "this is a good value proposition.
"I think I'll make this purchase, and then I'll vote for Mitt Romney.
" [Chuckles.]
All right, enjoy the game.
Here you go, George.
Now, I want you to experience this game exactly the way you used to, so, tonight, I'm gonna be your eyes.
It's amazing.
Sounds just the way I remember it.
Tastes like it too.
Mmm.
[Laughs.]
[Phone beeps.]
[Zombie Nation's Kernkraft 4 playing.]
Okay, here we go.
Kobe's got the ball.
He takes it down.
He's looking.
Pau Gasol's open Left-handed hook Nothin' but net! Yeah! All right, George, we're deep into the second quarter.
- Lakers are up 40 to 38.
- Shut up.
I'm I'm sorry? You talk too much.
Listen to the crowd, sound of the ball, sneakers squeaking on the floor.
[Thud.]
Ah, ball just hit the rim.
Yeah, they rebounded it.
Oh, man! Sounds like a foul.
- It was.
- [Chuckles.]
I can hear this game better than you can see it.
Just close your eyes and listen.
Heh, it's beautiful.
Yeah.
[Net swishes, crowd cheers.]
- Oh? - Nice catch George.
- You still got 'it.
- Take this and run.
I'm not giving it back.
Oh, they don't let you to keep the ball.
Run! He went that way!