God, the Devil and Bob (2000) s01e02 Episode Script

Hi.
God here.
So, I was all set to destroy the world when I thought, "Hey, I'm not that kind of god.
" If just one soul could show me it's worth saving, I'd spare it.
And being a sporting deity, I let the devil choose.
So, folks, meet your last chance for salvation.
This is good beer.
Oh, boy.
Well, folks, I wouldn't make any long-term plans.
Great idea, your Unholiness.
Look at him hopping around.
That's gotta hurt.
I believe when I sent you the memo, it specifically stated that he should be afflicted with boils! Not bowls.
Boils! That's the classic thing.
That's what you afflic people with.
Yeah, but look-it.
He's hopping, and they're in the way and You know, I try not to put too much on your plate I know.
But look, sir.
Look.
See? It says Is that a dot? The box again? Yes.
The box.
I've been under a lot of stress lately.
Not my problem.
It's your job to make my job easier.
Did you pay the electricity? See, God was gonna destroy the world, but my dad saved it, and now he's God's prophet on Earth.
- What's weird about that? - You're full of it.
You also said your sister was the pink Power Ranger.
That was just a lie.
I mean, I think we all knew that.
- No one believes you, Andy.
- But it's - You're just a liar.
- A big fat liar.
Fine.
Fine.
You wanna meet God? You come over to my house after school tomorrow, you'll see.
I'll show ya.
I'll show all of you.
We win! Where's you God now, Andy? Hey, Donna.
Hey, guy in my kitchen.
Bob, this is Steve from my literature class.
- Steve, my husband, Bob.
- Hey, nice to meet you.
Donna, can I see you over by the microwave? Better make it the toaster.
next thing, you're dragging him back to the house to study in my kitchen.
I'm sorry, Bob.
Next time we'll study at Steve's frat house.
Thank you.
Sorry, Steve.
My husband is Well, you saw.
Where were we? Where's my black Mother, can I see you over by the toaster? No.
Megan, this is Steve.
Hey, Megan.
Megan, are you okay? Sorry.
Oh, man.
Here, I'll help you.
- Oh, cool earings.
- Thanks.
I like your chest shirt.
- We need to talk.
- All right.
When a man has certain feelings for a woman - Dad, I'm six.
- Oh.
Then you know.
Dad, I need a favor from you.
I need you to show God to my friends after school tomorrow.
Oh, come on.
You know I can't do that.
Dad, I promised them.
They've been teasing me and laughing at me and calling me names.
You should hear what they say about you.
Look.
I know it's tough being What are they saying about me? New stuff? No.
The same stuff.
I'm sorry, buddy.
I just don't think it's gonna happen.
It's not fair.
I'm the only one who believes that God and the devil are your friends.
I appreciate that, son.
It's just that I know him.
And I don't think Oh, man.
Look, buddy.
I'll see what I can do.
Come on.
Get it.
Get it.
- Your Vileness? - What is it? Remember when you told me to take some initiative and do things on my own? As it turns out, that wasn't the best suggestion.
Jump, you bastard! But live and learn, right? Anyway, I had those 500 new souls to process and wait, you're gonna laugh.
But there was an overbooking because I had to drain the Lake of Fire to put in the new thermostat They're in the Pit of Eternal Festering? Almost.
Hit it.
"Dear Red Shoes "somewhere in the endless waking dream of the dream that I woke from "to find him naked beside me.
I dreamt that I woke from my dream of sleep" Come on.
Come out from behind that It's skin time.
What's this? Who knows? Something the kids had on.
I was trying to get a hold of you all day.
You don't call me, Bob.
It doesn't work that way.
Then what's prayer? - CornNut? - Thanks.
I'd love one.
Wait.
If anyone questions that I have a relationship with God, all I have to do is to show them this CornNut as proof.
Yeah, Bob.
Show them the CornNut.
All right.
I wanted to ask you, I'm in sort of a tough bind with my kid and I need your help.
This is a tough week for me, Bob.
There's a crisis in Africa.
You always say that.
You always say there's a crisis in Africa.
That's because there always is a crisis in Africa.
You might know that if you picked up a newspaper every once in a while instead of filling your head with soft-core porn.
Hey, you're the one who made naked woman look like that.
Tell me you didn't sneak a few peeks.
And who could blame you? Listen.
Can't you just take a minute for Andy and his friends? I wish it were that simple, Bob.
You know, I used to pop by all the time in the old days.
I was young and full of beans.
After a while, I realized it stopped being special.
It's like Latka on Taxi.
It was a nice flavor at first, but those last two years, they clearly ran out of stories.
Do it for Andy.
Just the one-shot.
Open with a joke.
Talk up the meek.
Five minutes, you're in your car.
Andy will be fine.
He always lands on his feet.
Gotta go.
I've got chicken marinating.
Okay.
Here's the deal.
God's a very busy guy.
He doesn't have a lot of free time.
But he's agreed to make a brief appearance.
- So, I want you - God is really gonna show up? Yes, that's right.
Now, I don't - The God Almighty? - Yes.
Now, - when he gets here - Why would God appear in your garage? Because I said so! Now, he's asked me to keep the lights out while he's appearing.
That's very important.
And no flash photography.
God? Are you there, God? Who calls me? It is I, Bob Allman.
I have some boys that would like to meet you.
Well, sure, Bob.
Anything for my friend Bob.
Hi, boys.
Nice to see you.
I hope you've all been good.
Blessed are the kids from Andy's school for they shall see me in all my glory.
Turn those lights out.
Pay no attention to that man hanging from the - Way to go, Andy.
Loser.
- Wait.
If I'm not God's prophet, what am I doing with this CornNut? Thanks, Dad.
Andy, wait.
Andy.
Oh, man.
This is lovely.
Come here.
Good boy.
Who's a good boy? You know, it wouldn't kill you to look around and envoy the scenery.
I'm sorry.
I've got a lot of paperwork to do.
Everything in my office is backed up.
You really got to learn to delegate.
Excuse me.
Who founded the Harvard Business School? I think I know how to manage.
I dream of Jeannie with the Ooh, sir.
Would you mind explaining this bill here from Williams-Sonoma for $4,000.
Those were the bowls for Bob, sir.
On a positive note, we're preferred customers now.
A special 800 number, we get right through.
Smeck, would you mind take one step to your left, please? Okay.
Thank you, sir.
The jackals! The jackals! Did you ever think that constant abuse and torture may not be the best way to get good work out of your employees? - Are you high? - Why don't you try to be nice to him? - So you were serious.
- Suit yourself.
Come on.
Let's take a walk.
I'll show you where the Leakeys found those bones I buried.
I'm stuck here.
No one's gone through these books in ages.
Wait a minute.
We never paid the guy for the Black Plague.
This is why I couldn't get a Discover card.
So you're saying if I were nicer to Smeck, I might get better work out of him? Can't hurt to try.
Fine.
Fine.
- Smeck! - Kind of busy here, sir.
Boy, that was pretty embarrassing this afternoon, huh? You know, it's great when you can give your friends a good laugh like that.
Those are the popular kids.
The ones who can make their friends laugh.
Right.
I'm sorry, Andy.
I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow after school, let's you and I do something special.
Anything you want.
What do you wanna do? Move.
Come on, buddy.
You're taking this too hard.
They're kids.
They're gonna forget this tomorrow.
No, they won't.
This is the kind of thing that kids remember.
You become a marked guy.
You carry it around forever, like Granpa's friend.
Booger-eater? Come on, Andy.
That was a special case.
He earned that name over many years.
- It wasn't just one isolated - I don't wanna talk to you anymore.
- But - Just leave me alone.
- So, is your mom coming back soon? - I don't know.
She's kind of forgetful sometimes.
- Anyway, you want a beer? - No, thanks.
I could have a beer, but I just had one at lunch.
So, college.
Pretty wild, huh? Do you have a good locker? Megan, Grandma wasn't locked out.
Mother, we're in the middle of something.
Megan Sorry, Steve.
Megan, I'll deal with you later.
Sorry, I just thought Steve would rather talk to someone closer to his own age.
- Out, now.
- Okay, okay.
She has Enya albums.
I just have the one.
You wanted me, sir? - Why are you showing me your teeth? - It's a smile, Smeck.
Get used to it.
You're going to be seeing it a lot.
I just wanted you to come by so I could tell you, "You're doing a great job.
" - Excuse me? - You're doing a great job, and I wanted to thank you for it.
- I don't understand.
- What's so difficult to understand? I'm motivating you.
I'm giving you a sens of accomplishment in your work by letting you know that you should be proud.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not getting it.
Damn it, Smeck.
I love you! Maybe if you explained it with puppets.
- Hello.
- Yeah.
Do you have a son named Andy? What? Really? Oh, my God.
Andy's out in the car.
We're going to go night fishing.
- What? - Something I've always wanted to do.
Something my dad never did.
There comes a time when he has to.
Don't wait up.
He's bombed.
Just be nice.
Just be nice.
They're only Canadians.
They can't help it.
How do you do, sir? Welcome to Canada.
Are you here for business of pleasure? Crazy story.
My son ran away from home, crossed the border, managed to get all the way to Ooskanoosafook.
I see.
So would that be business or pleasure? Look, man.
Don't get all Canadian on me.
This is harassment, pure and simple.
Sorry, sir, but you fit the profile.
Mindless belligerence is one of our red flags.
- What kind of idiot country is this? - Fair warning, sir.
You're on the verge of talking yourself into a full cavity search.
Where do you get off threat Look at this.
Look at this.
Mom.
A "D.
" No TV for you.
- This is all your fault.
- How is it my fault? You kept interrupting us and made it impossible for me to study.
And when I got a "D" because Jill Baker's scoliosis brace kept squeaking, that was just me making excuses.
Don't you smart-mouth me, young lady.
Come on, Mom.
You weren't disctracted by me.
You were disctracted by Steve.
Steve, Steve, Steve.
All you think is about Steve.
You dream about him all night.
You wake up thinking about him, write his name in all your notebooks.
You're hopelessly in love with Steve and you know it's impossible because the age difference is too great.
Look.
We both know what's going on here.
And I can think of only one solution.
We'll have to let Steve choose.
Oh, honey.
- What are we doing here? - It's "Smeck Appreciation Day.
" Let's have fun.
The panda.
Eat dust.
Check this out.
You thought of everything.
My son, Andy.
Is he here? Yeah.
That boy, he's a pip.
We put him to work right away.
- Where is he? - He's out back with Misty.
- Thank God, Son.
- Dad, what are you doing here? You weren't supposed to come till I got settled.
- Andy, what is all this? - It's not so bad, Dad.
I've made a good life for myself.
I have my own place.
I have a career.
People are starting to know me here.
If I do a good job with Misty, they tell me I'll be selling maps by June.
And once you get the summer crowd in here, whoa.
Andy, that's crazy.
You're coming home with me.
I don't want to.
You embarrassed me.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Look.
We'll talk about it in the car.
I'm never going back there.
Listen to me, young man.
You are getting in Dad, you don't wanna talk to me in that tone.
Misty's sort of protective.
Andy, I'm not going to She's a big one, isn't she? Whatever you wanna say to me, Dad, you should use your nice voice.
Okay, Andy.
I'm really sorry about the thing in the garage.
I just didn't want to see you disappointed.
And all I can tell you now is I spoke with God two minutes ago and he told me that he's gonna show up at your school and fly around the room in front of everybody.
Now, the reason I lied is I was scared of the moose.
It's okay.
I guess I'm glad you came and got me.
My apartment was great and everything, but you weren't there to check under the bed.
Look.
The thing about God is, I don't call the shots.
It's complicated.
I can't begin to understand why he wants me to do the things he wants me to do.
I just have to obey and hope that things work out for the best.
So it's like you and Mom? Dad, you can slow down.
I think you finally lost her.
How was class? Did Steve mention me? Sweetie.
I've had crushes like this and I know what it does to you.
It's just agony.
I wish I could help you in some way.
- What's that? - A CD Steve wanted me to listen to.
"Pearl Jam"? What is this, 1997? - Steve says they're great.
- Steve is dead to me.
I don't know, Carl.
The fair was fun.
The wax museum a blast, of course.
And you know how I love Phantom.
But? Well, tomorrow he's talking about going to SeaWorld.
Where does it end? It doesn't feel real.
It feels like we're living a lie.
So, have you said this to him? Because I think you should.
Well, I don't know how he's take it.
Maybe it's you who's not being honest.
You're right, Carl, as always.
- Who's ready for clogging? - Sir, I can't.
That's what I used to think.
But look! What you're doing is wrong.
- I'm moving my arms, aren't I? - No.
It's this whole new nice thing.
It's a disaster.
It's not you.
It's not me.
It's not hell.
Are you suggesting, Smeck, that I made a mistake? If it'll get me a beating, then, yes, you prong-headed moron.
What? Come here, you miserable worm.
Let's never lose this.
- Andy, how's it going? - Dad, What are you doing here? I just wanted to see how you were doing.
I survived.
I got a lot of ragging, but I'm okay.
Hey, Saint Andrew.
You're up.
- Hey, Bob.
- Hey, God.
What are you doing here? I'm a kickball fan.
I like to play too.
You give me something with baby bounces, I can drive it.
- Play in.
- Easy out.
Can't you help him out? Anything.
Bob, would that be fair to the other team? Thanks, God.
Boy, you know? Things just have a way of working out for me.
God.
What did eat for lunch, man? You made it.
Thank God.
We were worried about you.
Easy, Misty.
- Andy, tell your mother I was brave! - Okay, Dad.