Going Dutch (2025) s01e02 Episode Script

Let's go.
Doc.
She has no recollection
of the last eight years.
Bring it on.
I came here to help you.
"Kitchen Nightmares"
Are you in.
And "Going Dutch"
Pew pew pew.
First guns I've seen on the base.
Let's go, let's go.
All available now.
[BAND MUSIC]
You're too fat to be here.
So should we, like,
move to a conference room?
I mean, I wouldn't mind
more leg room. No offense.
- Just like a thing here.
- You can't say that, sir.
Here in the army. He's too fat
to be here in the army.
- Not too, like, fat to live.
- No.
We talked about body-positive
language,
remember? There's
a physical fitness requirement.
- Which he can't pass!
- He's working on it!
He doesn't get a trophy for trying.
What is it with your
generation and trophies?
- Don't go off on this rant.
- Okay.
Not going off on a rant.
Stop trying to body-shame him.
I want him to be ashamed
of that body in that ACU.
Sorry, sir, I don't do shame.
I left society's mind prison
years ago.
Let me tell you something, mister.
Everything about you
is against army regulation.
Your mustache, your hair,
your attitude
Is that even army-issued?
Jacket and pants are actually
from a XXXL GI Joe costume.
But you don't like me wearing
this uniform, that's fine by me.
This cotton blend is ass.
I'm pitted out by 10 a.m
What the colonel is too angry
to say is that
wearing a uniform is non-negotiable.
It's what makes you a soldier.
- Correct.
- As head of IT
- Am I really a soldier, though?
- Yes.
You made a commitment to serve
your country. You're a soldier.
Am I really? I mean, come on.
You're suspended from active duty.
If this is the future of
combat, you know what
[SHAH] General Davidson's here, sir.
What? No, no, he can't see him.
I'll never hear the end of it.
We-we gotta put him
in the supply closet. Let's go.
- Get up, get up! Let's go. Yeah.
- What?
Wait a second. Why can't I just
go in the closet voluntarily?
You're not gonna fit. It's gonna
be a smoosh job. Let's go.
- Officers, come on, come on.
- Well, take that. Take that.
- [PAPADAKIS] I'm going in the
- Come on.
Get in. All right, all right,
take a breath. Take a breath.
Breathe in. Come on. Watch your foot.
- There we go.
- Are ya just gonna stand there?
- Come on. Help!
- [PAPADAKIS GROANS]
Corporal Papadakis, move your ass!
- Move your ass!
- Here we go. Press, press.
- Here we go. Ooh. You got it?
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Got it. We got it.
- [CHUCKLES]
[DOOR OPENS]
Welcome to Stroopsdorf, sir.
[DAVIDSON] I wanted to see
with my own eyes just how far
you've fallen. Yikes!
You've gone from warmonger
to cheese-monger.
Thank you, sir.
Always nice of you to drop by.
Actually, I need your help with
my upcoming NATO tank maneuvers.
Oh, really? What, uh, unit
would I be commanding?
Traffic.
Service bases exist to assist.
You didn't think I was gonna
actually let you participate?
Let me be clear. Your career is over.
You will never command a tank again.
You have been sent out to pasture.
At least this one has tulips. Heh-heh.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- [DAVIDSON] He's all yours.
- How'd it go?
- Great.
Gonna be crossing guards
for tank maneuvers.
Traffic? That's huge!
- Yup. Huge insult.
- Mm, why are you smiling?
Because we're gonna steal a tank.
[RUMBLING]
[MAGGIE] Oh, God!
- Did you forget about me?
- Yup.
Let's run through the plan
one more time, major.
General Davidson's running
tank maneuvers in rural Germany.
It's exclusively using
older tanks, so the army
can see which ones
need to be replaced.
[SHAH] Our mission, steal
a decommissioned Abrams tank
[CONWAY] First I use the magic
that is me to borrow an HET,
the only tow truck large enough
to haul a tank.
[BA] Then I will drop
a signal blocker.
[SHAH] That way, when
the first tank breaks down,
I'm the only one to respond.
Looking like a badass.
Copy that. On our way.
[SHAH] Then we haul the tank
on to our HET.
[PATRICK] This is the most
difficult part of the mission,
which is why
I will be taking it on myself.
And I get to mail
the decommission report
to cover our tracks.
Hurray, this plan shows
that you don't know
the Stroopsdorf soldiers at all.
We're not being utilized correctly.
Some of us have too much to do,
and others, not nearly enough.
If you're referring
to your reduced role,
that is because I suspected
you lacked enthusiasm.
Permission to speak freely, sir.
What've you been doing up to now?
The mission is stupid, if you
get caught, your career is over.
So all the more reason to put us
in the right spots,
starting with me
in a leadership position.
You can't complain
that the mission is stupid
and then bitch about the size
of your role in it.
That's like saying the meal sucks,
but the portions are too small.
Major Shah, you can't think this
is a good idea.
The army's gonna throw
the tank away. We need it more.
We're not a combat base
without a tank.
We're not a combat base!
Not without a tank, we're
not. I'm glad we agree on that.
I think we're saying the same thing.
[MAGGIE] Mm, this will be a disaster.
You can't give BA
this much responsibility.
BA's gonna be fine.
You forgot to breathe during
our fantasy football draft,
and you passed out. He folds
under the slightest pressure.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- You're right, I do.
- Not to mention
The biggest flaw
in your plan here is you.
You've never been behind the wheel
of an 18-wheeler in your life.
How would you know?
I was never around. Remember?
- Good one, sir.
- All right, listen.
Everybody has a lot to do.
Go do it. Dismissed.
Listen, sergeant, you gotta
get me a driving instructor.
I've never driven an 18-wheeler
in my life.
- I gotcha, colonel.
- Okay.
[BAND MUSIC]
[MAGGIE] Nothing I ever do
is good enough for him.
[LAUGHS] Look, I'm sorry you
feel left out of the mission,
but honestly, you're better off.
It's already a pain in my ass.
Do you need help getting that HET?
Oh, please. That took two phone calls.
I met this Dutch weirdo named Baas
smoking hookah
at a art gallery showing.
Turns out his company makes the HET.
The only problem is that in exchange,
he wants an immersive
experience of American excess.
- Ah, well, his words.
- Oh, that's perfect!
Running a black-market deal
will prove to my dad
that he needs me on the mission.
I'm surprised you want in,
I'd call you a Goody Two-Shoes,
but that would imply
that those shoes look good.
They're assigned.
They're assigned to hurt my ass.
- Who'd Conway get to teach me?
- Local businesswoman.
She said they were
the only person in Stroopsdorf
with a big rig license.
Okay, cool.
Oh, hey. How you doing?
That's the, uh, madam
from the brothel.
- Is that a problem?
- We had this kind of a thing.
A moment at the tulip festival.
I'm not gonna do anything,
I'm just concerned for her
'cause she was so clearly into me,
and I'm not gonna do anything.
- Good.
- [KATJA] Colonel Quinn.
- Hey!
- Without the fancy uniform
You are less striking than I remember.
And you're more blunt than I remember.
Not blunt. Just Dutch. We
believe politeness is deceit.
Check on the HET for me. You're
my eyes on this, all right?
Make sure these other idiots
step up to my standard
of excellence. I'm going in.
[BAND MUSIC]
[TRUCK DOOR SHUTS]
What level of excellence was that?
Ah, this truck sucks!
We need another one.
When I was studying for my PhD,
I took a job as a long hauler.
I'd listen to the required
reading on audiobook.
Get paid to study.
Now you try again, and try
not to embarrass yourself.
[PATRICK] Eighteen gears
is too many gears.
I-I-I think you are bringing
your troubles into the truck.
I'm working with my daughter,
everything's
a battle with her.
And not the fun kind.
You thought you would learn
how to drive
this truck to prove something to her.
Not trying to prove anything
to her, I'm trying to prove
to my enemies
that I'm still in my prime.
Like, late prime. Tail-end prime.
I don't mind acknowledging
the passage of time.
At my age, I no longer have
the energy to do everything.
So I preserve my energy
for what I'm good at.
You can go ahead and slip it in.
- What?
- Into third gear.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey, major!
What are you doing here,
uninvited and underdressed?
Okay, so I got a question
for you, why are you throwing
an eighth-grade graduation party
at Mar-A-Lago?
Baas wanted to celebrate
American excess.
So I got beer pong and the
room-temperature 12-layer dip
and a Hulk Hogan impersonator.
- Mm, not so great.
- Okay, it's the Netherlands.
If I was in Tampa, I could throw
a rock and hit a Hulk Hogan.
Okay. And how does Jan fit into this?
Oh, Baas likes improv comedy.
- Would you like a cocktail?
- Yes, please.
All right, here you go.
There you go. Oh, no!
- You dropped it. Oh, my God.
- Oh, no!
What's wrong with you?
It's okay. I have a broom. Okay.
So we show Baas a great time, he
agrees to loan us the tow truck,
and then we steal ourselves a tank.
- Easy-peasy.
- Nice work, captain. All right.
- I got it from here.
- Whoa, no.
It's, it's This is my thing.
I'm-I'm running it, so
But thank you.
Yeah, no, I'm your superior
officer who's been ordered
by his superior officer
to make sure that
things run smoothly.
So I'm going to be running this.
How am I ever supposed to earn
the colonel's respect
if I'm never given the chance?
Look, I've negotiated with warlords.
I think I can handle
a Dutch party boy.
- Okay. Well Yeah, yeah.
- They're here? Let's go.
- Do I look okay? Okay.
- No. Hi!
She's a burger, freedom fry.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Baas!
Maggie put this all together for you.
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
And I hope that you're ready
to be wined and dined.
- And 79'd.
- Yes.
Or 69'd.
Maybe if it was the 1920s.
Things have advanced a little
further here on the continent.
Okay, yeah, I didn't know that
they invented a new sex thing
out here. I-I wasn't, uh, given
the update, Baas Baby.
Can I call you Baas Baby?
Not like the movie Boss Baby.
Which is a solid movie,
a hilarious Halloween costume
if you have a newborn.
[MAGGIE CHUCKLES]
Mm.
[LAUGHTER]
- Let's dance!
- Yes!
I'll get out there. I'll see ya,
I'll see you guys out there.
- What have we got?
- He said you have to go.
- [MUMBLES]
- Go. You gotta go.
Okay. Yeah.
- You have picked it up quickly.
- I had a great teacher.
I find your whole bluntness
thing very intriguing.
I am intrigued by you as well.
Most of the soldiers
in Stroopsdorf are flapdrols.
It best translates as useless turds.
But you are clearly not a flapdrol.
So what am I?
A emotionally-closed-off father
with no connection
to his adult daughter.
You see a lot of bad fathers
in my work.
- Oh, yeah. Sex work.
- Higher education.
- But, yeah, the sex work, too.
- Hm.
- You can drop me off up here.
- Okay.
If you desire better communication
with your daughter,
a compliment can go a long way.
Well, listen, I, uh, I'd love
to learn something else from you
sometime. What's your PhD in?
Intersectional feminism
in late-stage capitalism.
Oh. Fun.
[DANCE MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Beautiful night.
Wow, the stars really just
You came out here to make sure
I didn't go back inside.
- Didn't you?
- Yeah.
Sorry. Baas really hates you.
Is Papadakis having a seizure?
He's doing the worm.
His version. Love it.
I'm sorry
I didn't fit into your party.
To be fair, I spend most of my time
as an angry boomer sounding board.
What is it like being
the only person in the world
who receives my father's
attention and affection?
- It's not that great.
- Don't lie to me.
It's the best. His love is like
a scarce resource.
So it's more valuable
than everyone else's.
That's what I thought.
That used to be enough, to serve
him, while I served in the army.
But lately I've been thinking
I need to start trying to
serve myself sometimes.
- Yeah.
- [PATRICK] Hey.
- Hey.
- Um
Baas wanted us to throw him a party
in order to feel comfortable
enough to lend us the HET.
- Right.
- So I made it happen.
- Great job.
- Is that a compliment?
- Compliments can go a long way.
- Mm-hmm.
And this, obviously, very successful.
I think parties is something
I can be
uh, so positive with you,
you know, about
Okay, well, I'm sure this means that
I will have more responsibility
in the mission moving forward.
Ooh. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
- That's a whole different thing.
- I just secured us the HET.
By throwing a party, which
I just complimented you on,
but it doesn't mean
you're talented enough
for a tactical mission.
Talented enough?
I'm not talented enough?
I am an officer
who deserves your respect!
I don't know why,
after a compliment, you're still
arguing with me,
you're not doing anything
the prostitute said you were gonna do.
What am I supposed to do with that?
I don't know. Throw a party.
Ah, we gotta go.
We have a tank to steal.
This HET has got
a different gear shift
than the one I trained on.
Oh, well, this model is
a few years older
than the one you asked for,
but we got a way better deal for it.
- And there's this.
- Baas threw this in.
It's gonna look great
hanging in the DFAC
as it doubles in value.
Abstract impressionism is back, baby.
- [CHUCKLES] Sir.
- Mm-hmm.
At least I can count on BA
to do what I told him, right?
[INTENSE MUSIC]
BA, what are you doing here?
Medic!
Private BA?
BA? Colonel, I think we should abort.
[MAN ON RADIO] Disabled tank.
Requesting pick-up.
Uh-huh. See? Nothing to worry about.
Mm-hmm.
- That's not an Abrams.
- Good eye.
- It's a German Leopard.
- It's a German tank.
Yeah. I mean, now I'm remembering.
[PATRICK] Davidson said
it was NATO maneuvers,
but I just assumed it was gonna
be an American Abrams, but
- No biggie.
- Yeah. No biggie. No biggie.
No one in our entire army
knows how to work this thing.
It's basically a 60-ton paperweight.
I need to find second reverse
here. Hang on. Okay.
- Ah, I don't know.
- Are you serious right now?
You're putting your cheaters on?
- What's wrong?
- Everything is wrong.
You're stealing a tank you can't use,
in a truck that you can't drive,
on a mission
you didn't need to take!
Why are we even here?
We're here to prove to Davidson
and everybody else
that I am still in my prime.
- You're in your prime?
- My late prime. I'm
I'm Jordan on the Wizards.
That's who I am.
Jordan on the Wizards was terrible!
He bullied all the younger players
and was shooting 18-foot fadeaways.
[ENGINE REVVING]
- [ENGINE REVVING]
- What just happened?
Somebody stole the tank
that we were gonna steal.
I know BA and the tank
are out there somewhere.
This is ridiculous!
We lost a-a soldier.
And a 60-ton tank
doesn't just disappear.
The tank is here now, behind you.
- Oh.
- How'd your mission go?
'Cause mine went, uh, pretty well.
[MAGGIE] After I left the party
where my father called me
untalented,
I discovered these maneuvers
utilized mostly NATO tanks.
Then I played Instagram detective
on NATO tank operators.
DM'd one that had a Dutch girlfriend
and offered a transfer to Stroopsdorf.
And then I rode all the way here,
hatched down, wind in my hair.
- Flies in my mouth.
- Hm. Why?
To prove to you
that I am talented enough
to be in your army.
Talented enough to steal
this from right under your nose.
Yeah, but why?
Why did you bring it here?
I was gonna tow it to a barn
outside of town.
Don't you think it's a tad conspicuous
that we have a tank
the day after tank maneuvers?
Yes, but I was so focused
on completing the mission
that I didn't consider
the consequences.
Which is just like every other
US army mission since 2001.
Sir, General Davidson is here.
Why do you think he's here?
- Because of the
- Can't hear you.
Because of the tank that's here.
We found this shaved gerbil at HQ.
Under questioning, he admitted,
"Helping the colonel get his tank."
[DAVIDSON] So you stole the tank
from our maneuvers.
And now I can finally
drum you out for good.
[INTENSE MUSIC]
I'm the one who did it.
I'm the one who should be
punished, sir.
Hold up, captain, I think punishment
might be too strong a word for,
uh, spending base resources
on the painting.
- The painting?
- The painting?
The one that Private BA was
referencing entitled "Tank."
The captain had it commissioned
to commemorate our participation
in your operation.
[DAVIDSON] Why is it called
"Tank"? I don't even see a tank.
You'd have to ask the artist.
Local guy, very talented.
[DAVIDSON] If he's local, then
I should be able to ask him.
Sure.
[BAND MUSIC]
[JAN] So my work
is politically neutral,
but emotionally, it's revolutionary.
I try not to challenge the mind.
Rather, whisper in your ear,
tickling down your neck
with hot breath of modern world.
Jan is really good at improv.
I think I see today.
Yeah, Major Shah
definitely bought us some time,
but General Columbo's gonna keep
asking questions.
Don't worry, though.
I have a plan. So I was
No, no. I'm thinking. I'm-I'm
- I might have
- [MUMBLES]
If you wanna convince the
colonel that you have the best
idea, you gotta make him think
it's his.
Right. Thank you.
And thank you
for saving me back there.
Whatever happened to serving yourself?
- I'm really bad at it.
- [CHUCKLES]
I can't wait to see your face
when you find it.
[MAGGIE] Colonel, I was actually
gonna suggest one of your plans.
Remember when we lived
in Florida, we had that cat
named Joey?
The supe didn't allow pets.
So whenever he came
into the apartment
Oh, I would hide him in the cabinets
behind the cereal boxes.
Oh, my God.
I just forgot I was a genius.
[BAND MUSIC]
Okay.
Mr. Jan, we're ready to play
the audio and visual components
you paired with the painting.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- You can see it now, yeah?
- No!
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
General, we've shown you everything.
It's pretty clear
there's no tank on the base.
It's in the Fromagerie.
There's no vat, right?
Just a big empty space to park it.
[LAUGHS] I got you. I got you!
[BAND MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Would you like a tour, general?
- No!
I know you stole one of my tanks!
Sir, I've gone through the database.
All of the tanks are accounted for.
My grandfather,
at a certain point, just started
walking around the house,
looking for the hat
that he already had on his head.
We all get put out to pasture
eventually.
But this pasture has tulips.
And these tulips are saying,
"Buh-bye."
- [CHUCKLES]
- Get me the hell out of here.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Mm-hmm.
- [DOOR SHUTS]
- [SQUEALING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
How did we get around the database?
Oh, I realized a while back
we were gonna need
to cover our digital tracks.
So I contacted the best hacker I know.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Whoo!
I'm getting really good at
hiding in dark enclosed spaces!
You hacked the database?
I hacked the entire Baumholder system.
Then I erased this tank
from existence.
[PATRICK] Gotta say,
this is pretty good work
in a tight spot. Just don't
go behind my back again.
There'll be hell to pay.
But you have earned my admiration.
Thank you. I appreciate your respect.
I-I didn't say respect.
I said admiration.
- You just said respect.
- Well, admiration and respect
- Are two different things.
- Are they two different things?
Yeah, they're like two different
levels.
It's like admiration and then respect.
But then this whole thing
is a thesaurus,
and they're in the same page.
- No, no, no.
- They're synonyms.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Is, uh, Katja around?
She is busy at the moment,
but I'd be more than happy to help.
I'm not actually allowed
to step foot into a brothel.
This is a charity office
offering
social and immigration services
to sex workers.
- Colonel Quinn?
- Hey.
Call me Patrick.
I hope I didn't insult her
by assuming she was a prostitute.
She is. The insult is assuming.
That would be insulting.
Let me just start over, I was
looking for some excitement out there
and I actually got it i-instead
from just talking to you.
So I was wondering
if you, uh, wanted to,
you know, get a cup of coffee or
You're a strange one, Patrick.
A man of war, asking me out on a date
like a nervous schoolboy.
I like you.
I-I basically hate everybody.
- Hold on, I'll get my coat.
- Great.
Keep up the good fight, girls.
Who do you think we're fighting?
I'll wait outside.
[CHILDREN] It's going so well.