Golan the Insatiable (2013) s01e02 Episode Script
A Pox On Your Pox
Hey, Alexis.
You got my telescope in there? Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Not looking.
Not looking.
- What the hell, Dad?! What? Are you trying to see me naked - or something? - No no.
I'm trying to find my telescope.
Get out of the way! She was about to take off her bra! Oh, there's my telescope.
Is everyone in this house a total perv?! Thanks a lot, Richard.
Golan, I told you not to take my telescope.
Golan takes what Golan wants! He's the godlord ruler of everything! Uh, Dylan, how would you like it if I took your war club without asking first? I'd like to see you try, old man.
Now, Dylan, it's cool.
I got this.
Richard, I humbly request the usage of your spyglass around the time Alexis shall be bathing after dance lessons.
Eww! And no! It's my telescope.
And I need it for tomorrow night's meteor shower or, as I like to call it, god's laser light show.
Meteor shower? The time has come! I'm going home! Why would you do that?! Oh.
Huh? Hmm.
1x02 - A Pox On Your Pox "Goren the incorrigible rips down her blouse.
Her breasts exposed and vulnerable.
He laps up the warm sweat from her belly with his rough tongue, gliding down lower, lower, lower, where her husband is too boring to venture.
" Triumph! I was correct.
If I erect this portal-gate, I can harness the power of the meteor shower to open an inter-dimensional doorway.
And then I shall sneak back into my home world and reclaim my throne! Yes! Finally! - We're going to Gkruool! - We? You're not invited.
One of the best parts about going home is gonna be getting away from you.
What? You have to take me! I don't belong here.
- Tough titties, Dylan.
- But you need me.
What I need is for you to stop clawing at yourself like that.
Frankly, it's very off-putting.
Ah, god.
It's like I got mosquito bites everywhere.
Look.
Leper! Gross.
I mean, uh, I've got just the thing over here that'll clear that up.
Now, you might feel a slight bash of your skull in! "'Get off,' she cries.
'I will get off,' yells the beast-man.
Carolyn climaxes for the first time, - screaming" - Mom! Dylan! Oh.
Dylan, you know mommy's writing group is for grown-ups only.
Golan says I have the plague.
See? Step aside, Carole, for the good of the clan, I must splatter her brains! Thanks, Carole.
Great story, bye.
Golan, she just has the chicken pox.
You leave her brains alone, mister.
Oh! This isn't over, Dylan, not by a long shot.
You know, Carole, a lot of the neighborhood children haven't had the chicken pox yet.
Little Dylan here should host a chicken pox party! Screw you! I don't want a party.
I hate everyone.
Everyone! Even me? But I'm the Mayor.
Sweetie, the Mayor's just saying that it's safer for the other kids to get the chicken pox now while they're still young.
Wait, you want me to infect the other kids? - You betcha.
- I changed my mind, woman.
- Invite everyone on this list.
- "Mackenzie B.
"? I thought you didn't get along with her.
It's my kill list.
I want to see all those bastards squirm and beg for mercy as I infect them with my plague! Muahahaha I feel terrible.
Mom, do I have to be here? Dylan is a total freak show.
Suck it up, Mackenzie.
Margaret, Mackenzie B.
, Welcome to the party.
The kids are all downstairs.
I'll be in the garage doing my podcast about god.
I call it a god-cast.
God-cast podcast.
Hello? Is anyone down here? - This isn't funny.
- Oh no, this is serious.
Dead serious.
Golan, now! Down the dark decades of pain.
This will seem like a memory of heaven.
Uh, what? Your parents have betrayed you.
Feast your eyes upon my grossness.
This is what your soul looks like, Mackenzie B.
Bleah! Eww, get away from me.
You are such a weirdo.
Silence, pre-pubescent female.
Mackenzie B.
, dig your own grave.
- But the floor is cement.
- What are you, deaf? She said dig! Carole, your last story was very inappropriate.
Do you have any more I can read? The others! I couldn't save the others! - Oh, my baby! - Why the shocked faces? Isn't this what you all wanted for your children? Of course this is happening.
My plague has begun to spread.
This is what it will look like in 12 hours, 24 hours, 86 hours! And within one week, I will have infected the whole world.
See, Golan, this is exactly why you need me in Gkruool.
What's wrong? You should be excited.
The meteor shower's tonight.
Blah, blah, blah.
Do you ever shut up? Damn you, Dylan! Look what you've done! You've given me your human pestilence! What? Demigods can't get the chicken pox.
Oh, well, I guess I must be fine then, "Dr.
Dylan.
" I guess I'll just get up and go about my - Awesome! - Not awesome.
I can't build a portal in this condition.
Ah, now I'm stuck in this fetid anus of a dimension.
All because of you, Dylan.
Wait, what if I make the portal myself? And then you have to take me with you to Gkruool.
Deal? Fine.
Whatever.
You're just gonna do what you're gonna do anyway.
Verbal contract! I wrote it down in my head.
Oh, yes, please.
Rip whatever you want Out of my irreplaceable tome.
Only took me 1,000 lifetimes to assemble that knowledge.
Bleah! Hi, Mackenzie B.
Hello, anybody home? Dylan! Where is everyone? That butthead Richard took everybody but me to the park to watch the meteor shower.
Oh no! Now how am I gonna get you to the portal? You built the portal? Yeah, right.
Yes, I built it! It's perfect! There's placenta! Get up! Golan? Golan? Get up, we're running out of time.
We're running out of time! Ugh! Whoa, what the hell? Dylan, Dylan? - Dylan! - What?! - I still have no faith in you.
- Hold on, Golan.
Whoa! Look, Dylan, somebody built a portal.
- It's glorious.
- Yeah, me.
I built it.
Well, no wonder it looks like crap then.
Oh, hey, Dylan.
There you are.
- Golan.
- Wow.
- Dylan, did you make that fort? - It's not a fort, Carole.
It's an inter-dimensional gateway between dimensions.
I'm going to Gkruool with Golan.
- Well, have fun.
- Hey! - Is that my bag? - Don't touch it.
It's holding all the placentas.
Yuck, Dylan! Golan, it's time.
Well, Beeklers, if I never see you again, it'll be uh, whatever.
Wait, Golan.
I'm coming with you, right? Oh my god, fine! I can probably use you as bait or something.
Yes! Okay, uh, just let me say goodbye.
It's not a big deal.
Suit yourself.
I'll see you on the other side.
Earth sucks! Mother, father, despite everything I've written in my hate journal, I love you and I'll miss you.
And, sister, I'm sorry that I've been slowly poisoning you.
- What'd I tell you, Mom? - Dylan, you seem delirious.
While I'm enjoying this miracle, maybe mom should take you home.
This was never my home, father.
Farewell, mortals.
Uh, Golan, is this Gkruool? Oh, yeah, the entire world of Gkruool is the inside of a jungle gym blanket fort.
I followed all the directions.
Why didn't it work? Oh, I think I see the problem right here You're an idiot.
Classic Dylan.
Yeah, you've been right all along.
I am useless.
That what I was just saying.
Wait.
Are you gonna cry? Whoa-ho, that's good.
Very original for your gender.
Listen, it's not the most terrible thing to be stuck in Oak Grove.
- Really? - Yeah.
There are still so many things I want to do on your planet like your sister And your mom, and probably Mrs.
Budnick.
And the couch.
All right, let's get out of here.
- Your fort sucks.
- Golan, wait.
I can't face my family again.
I told them I loved them.
Oh, I know.
This is gonna be great.
Let the humiliation begin.
- Well, that was a quick trip, munchkin.
- And you left so quickly, we never got a chance to tell you that we love you too.
- Yuck.
- Oh, Beekler family hug because Dylan loves you so much.
Come on, let's go watch that meteor shower.
Hey, Beeklers, get a room.
What the Oh, maybe this goes right here.
- You're it.
- Ah! Hey, watch it.
Whoa! No way.
- Dylan, Dylan! - What?! Ah, nothing.
You suck.
Why would you do that?!
You got my telescope in there? Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Not looking.
Not looking.
- What the hell, Dad?! What? Are you trying to see me naked - or something? - No no.
I'm trying to find my telescope.
Get out of the way! She was about to take off her bra! Oh, there's my telescope.
Is everyone in this house a total perv?! Thanks a lot, Richard.
Golan, I told you not to take my telescope.
Golan takes what Golan wants! He's the godlord ruler of everything! Uh, Dylan, how would you like it if I took your war club without asking first? I'd like to see you try, old man.
Now, Dylan, it's cool.
I got this.
Richard, I humbly request the usage of your spyglass around the time Alexis shall be bathing after dance lessons.
Eww! And no! It's my telescope.
And I need it for tomorrow night's meteor shower or, as I like to call it, god's laser light show.
Meteor shower? The time has come! I'm going home! Why would you do that?! Oh.
Huh? Hmm.
1x02 - A Pox On Your Pox "Goren the incorrigible rips down her blouse.
Her breasts exposed and vulnerable.
He laps up the warm sweat from her belly with his rough tongue, gliding down lower, lower, lower, where her husband is too boring to venture.
" Triumph! I was correct.
If I erect this portal-gate, I can harness the power of the meteor shower to open an inter-dimensional doorway.
And then I shall sneak back into my home world and reclaim my throne! Yes! Finally! - We're going to Gkruool! - We? You're not invited.
One of the best parts about going home is gonna be getting away from you.
What? You have to take me! I don't belong here.
- Tough titties, Dylan.
- But you need me.
What I need is for you to stop clawing at yourself like that.
Frankly, it's very off-putting.
Ah, god.
It's like I got mosquito bites everywhere.
Look.
Leper! Gross.
I mean, uh, I've got just the thing over here that'll clear that up.
Now, you might feel a slight bash of your skull in! "'Get off,' she cries.
'I will get off,' yells the beast-man.
Carolyn climaxes for the first time, - screaming" - Mom! Dylan! Oh.
Dylan, you know mommy's writing group is for grown-ups only.
Golan says I have the plague.
See? Step aside, Carole, for the good of the clan, I must splatter her brains! Thanks, Carole.
Great story, bye.
Golan, she just has the chicken pox.
You leave her brains alone, mister.
Oh! This isn't over, Dylan, not by a long shot.
You know, Carole, a lot of the neighborhood children haven't had the chicken pox yet.
Little Dylan here should host a chicken pox party! Screw you! I don't want a party.
I hate everyone.
Everyone! Even me? But I'm the Mayor.
Sweetie, the Mayor's just saying that it's safer for the other kids to get the chicken pox now while they're still young.
Wait, you want me to infect the other kids? - You betcha.
- I changed my mind, woman.
- Invite everyone on this list.
- "Mackenzie B.
"? I thought you didn't get along with her.
It's my kill list.
I want to see all those bastards squirm and beg for mercy as I infect them with my plague! Muahahaha I feel terrible.
Mom, do I have to be here? Dylan is a total freak show.
Suck it up, Mackenzie.
Margaret, Mackenzie B.
, Welcome to the party.
The kids are all downstairs.
I'll be in the garage doing my podcast about god.
I call it a god-cast.
God-cast podcast.
Hello? Is anyone down here? - This isn't funny.
- Oh no, this is serious.
Dead serious.
Golan, now! Down the dark decades of pain.
This will seem like a memory of heaven.
Uh, what? Your parents have betrayed you.
Feast your eyes upon my grossness.
This is what your soul looks like, Mackenzie B.
Bleah! Eww, get away from me.
You are such a weirdo.
Silence, pre-pubescent female.
Mackenzie B.
, dig your own grave.
- But the floor is cement.
- What are you, deaf? She said dig! Carole, your last story was very inappropriate.
Do you have any more I can read? The others! I couldn't save the others! - Oh, my baby! - Why the shocked faces? Isn't this what you all wanted for your children? Of course this is happening.
My plague has begun to spread.
This is what it will look like in 12 hours, 24 hours, 86 hours! And within one week, I will have infected the whole world.
See, Golan, this is exactly why you need me in Gkruool.
What's wrong? You should be excited.
The meteor shower's tonight.
Blah, blah, blah.
Do you ever shut up? Damn you, Dylan! Look what you've done! You've given me your human pestilence! What? Demigods can't get the chicken pox.
Oh, well, I guess I must be fine then, "Dr.
Dylan.
" I guess I'll just get up and go about my - Awesome! - Not awesome.
I can't build a portal in this condition.
Ah, now I'm stuck in this fetid anus of a dimension.
All because of you, Dylan.
Wait, what if I make the portal myself? And then you have to take me with you to Gkruool.
Deal? Fine.
Whatever.
You're just gonna do what you're gonna do anyway.
Verbal contract! I wrote it down in my head.
Oh, yes, please.
Rip whatever you want Out of my irreplaceable tome.
Only took me 1,000 lifetimes to assemble that knowledge.
Bleah! Hi, Mackenzie B.
Hello, anybody home? Dylan! Where is everyone? That butthead Richard took everybody but me to the park to watch the meteor shower.
Oh no! Now how am I gonna get you to the portal? You built the portal? Yeah, right.
Yes, I built it! It's perfect! There's placenta! Get up! Golan? Golan? Get up, we're running out of time.
We're running out of time! Ugh! Whoa, what the hell? Dylan, Dylan? - Dylan! - What?! - I still have no faith in you.
- Hold on, Golan.
Whoa! Look, Dylan, somebody built a portal.
- It's glorious.
- Yeah, me.
I built it.
Well, no wonder it looks like crap then.
Oh, hey, Dylan.
There you are.
- Golan.
- Wow.
- Dylan, did you make that fort? - It's not a fort, Carole.
It's an inter-dimensional gateway between dimensions.
I'm going to Gkruool with Golan.
- Well, have fun.
- Hey! - Is that my bag? - Don't touch it.
It's holding all the placentas.
Yuck, Dylan! Golan, it's time.
Well, Beeklers, if I never see you again, it'll be uh, whatever.
Wait, Golan.
I'm coming with you, right? Oh my god, fine! I can probably use you as bait or something.
Yes! Okay, uh, just let me say goodbye.
It's not a big deal.
Suit yourself.
I'll see you on the other side.
Earth sucks! Mother, father, despite everything I've written in my hate journal, I love you and I'll miss you.
And, sister, I'm sorry that I've been slowly poisoning you.
- What'd I tell you, Mom? - Dylan, you seem delirious.
While I'm enjoying this miracle, maybe mom should take you home.
This was never my home, father.
Farewell, mortals.
Uh, Golan, is this Gkruool? Oh, yeah, the entire world of Gkruool is the inside of a jungle gym blanket fort.
I followed all the directions.
Why didn't it work? Oh, I think I see the problem right here You're an idiot.
Classic Dylan.
Yeah, you've been right all along.
I am useless.
That what I was just saying.
Wait.
Are you gonna cry? Whoa-ho, that's good.
Very original for your gender.
Listen, it's not the most terrible thing to be stuck in Oak Grove.
- Really? - Yeah.
There are still so many things I want to do on your planet like your sister And your mom, and probably Mrs.
Budnick.
And the couch.
All right, let's get out of here.
- Your fort sucks.
- Golan, wait.
I can't face my family again.
I told them I loved them.
Oh, I know.
This is gonna be great.
Let the humiliation begin.
- Well, that was a quick trip, munchkin.
- And you left so quickly, we never got a chance to tell you that we love you too.
- Yuck.
- Oh, Beekler family hug because Dylan loves you so much.
Come on, let's go watch that meteor shower.
Hey, Beeklers, get a room.
What the Oh, maybe this goes right here.
- You're it.
- Ah! Hey, watch it.
Whoa! No way.
- Dylan, Dylan! - What?! Ah, nothing.
You suck.
Why would you do that?!