Grand Crew (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

Okay, so we all like this bar, and we're all interested in getting more into wine.
- Agreed? - Agreed.
Well, I think to ensure that this remains the go-to spot, we need to set some ground rules.
I'll go first.
Ground rule number one.
Noah cannot date anybody that works here.
Okay.
Okay, yeah, I can do that.
Ground rule number two, Noah cannot introduce himself to anyone who works here.
- It's a slippery slope.
- Mm-hmm.
Then the bartenders are gonna think I'm mean.
Okay, then just the tip them more.
Ooh, I got one.
Ground rule number three, Noah can't even date anyone in the immediate area, 'cause that'll prevent awkward run-ins.
How are we defining the immediate area? Fantastic question.
Ground rule number four, the immediate area is a one-mile radius.
- For real? - Yes.
- I like that.
- Come on, y'all.
Can we please make up a ground rule about someone else? Okay, this one's for all of us.
Ground rule number five, if anybody complains about the ground rules, they got to buy a round.
- That's it right there.
- I see what you did there.
But no one else is gonna complain because all the ground rules are about me.
Sounds like a complaint to me.
Damn it, I just bought this round.
Another complaint, another round.
- This is unfair.
- Another one.
I'm gonna stop because I cannot afford this.
- It's just that y'all - Another one.
Okay, I'd like to make a toast.
Alicia is gone and in her stead is the mythical, single Noah, a creature not seen in many moons.
Bask in this moment, for soon he shall return to his true form, Monogamous Man.
Monogamous Man.
Very funny, but, you know, I've been single before, and I'm not always looking for love.
Okay, stop the show.
I'm your sister.
- I've seen you in the tub.
- What's that mean? We were bucky as babies together.
I know your truth.
You are always trying to be boo'd up.
That's why you are so obsessed with rom-coms.
You think they're how life should be.
So what? I may prefer companionship, and I have a taste for romantically-based films.
What is so bad about that? Remember your "Love & Basketball" fiasco? - I'll play you.
- For what? Your heart.
It's over! Get out of my life! She was a starter for UConn.
What were you thinking? That love would win in the end.
You're dumb.
You need to stop looking for love every second of the day.
You need to learn how to love yourself.
- You know what you need.
- What? Self-care.
I self-care constantly.
- You do? - Yeah, I do.
As a matter of fact, I'm taking myself out to lunch tomorrow.
Just me and an empty seat across from the table.
And you know what? I was thinking I'll maybe even do a Sudoku.
What up, what up, my family? What's going on? Oh.
Anthony.
Sherman.
- What was that? - Explain that.
I'm just saying hey to my friend.
Nah, look at your posture.
Y'all are too erect.
- Something's up.
- Fine.
This afternoon, I caught Anthony here in the bathroom.
- Naked? - Worse.
Oh, God.
Are you crying? Look away.
I don't understand.
So crying is worse than seeing someone's genitalia? Way worse.
He saw my emotional genitalia.
It's one thing to cry on your own, but in front of the homey? Nah.
Real Gs cry in silence.
Back up.
Why were you crying? I had just watched "Paddington 2.
" The kid's movie with the talking bear? - It has adult themes.
- Thank you, Noah.
That damn bear really made me feel some things.
Y'all are being ridiculous.
This is silly.
Man, you ain't seen what I've seen.
Can't shake the sight.
Those bare, glistening, wet cheeks on his face.
You said they weren't that wet.
I lied.
- Noah.
- Nicky.
Hi.
What are you doing here? Well, I was in the area.
I remembered your little lunch.
I figured I'd drop by and say hi.
- Hi.
- Aww.
That's really nice of you.
Um, I would offer you a seat, but unfortunately, I'm here on a date, uh, with myself.
Let me introduce you.
Myself, Nicky.
- Nicky, myself.
- Drop the act.
You're here trying to meet a girl.
No, the only person I'm interested in meeting is a better me.
- What are you doing? - Sherlocking your ass.
You got a weathered moleskin to make yourself seem artistic, an untouched salad to indicate healthy eating habits, a summer scarf to project wealth and class.
Oh, we got a book.
"She Comes First" to indicate unselfish bedroom habits.
So what? I did all that stuff for me.
- Of course, that makes sense.
- Yeah, right? - It does.
- Then explain this.
A strategically placed driver's license on the ground in hopes that a beautiful woman will pick it up and return it to you.
Admit it.
You're not self-caring.
You're meet-cuteing.
Ha-ha.
You've been caught, sir.
Fine! You got me.
What do you want me to say, that I came here looking for love, and I can't help myself? But you know what? I don't regret it.
I would do it again if I could.
- It makes me feel alive.
- Oh, no, no.
Noah.
Look at yourself.
All of this, ooh.
- It's really sad.
- Oh, please.
You're making me sound like I'm crazy.
- I am fine.
- Hi, I think you dropped That's not meant for you! - Sherm.
- Anthony.
Why is it that every time I open a damn door, you're on the other side? Wyatt asked me to help put together some new furniture.
Same.
Well, where is he, then? Uh, he said he was running behind.
He'd be out on a few.
Word.
- So nice weather today.
- Yeah.
- Like, 72 degrees.
- Mm.
30% humidity, partly cloudy Look, man, this is awkward as hell.
I'ma go to the bathroom.
When I come back, try not to be so damn weird.
- How do I do that? - I don't know! Just try it.
Not again.
More crying? Don't look at my face.
Oh, no.
Don't look at my face.
A rose for the lady.
Oh, got the whole waitstaff in on it not too, eh? Benjamin is rooting for me, unlike somebody I know.
Noah, life isn't a rom-com.
If anything, it is a psychological thriller where at every corner, someone's trying to trick you or kill you.
Ah, but you're not exactly an expert on successful relationships or love with those walls of yours.
Please, I've had plenty of successful relationships.
- Oh, have you? - Yes.
What about Marcellus? He treated you great.
He ate crunchy peanut butter.
He was literally insane.
Huh, okay, but also, most of your friendships have only lasted a matter of weeks.
- Remember Tasha? - She moved away.
She gave me no choice.
She moved to West LA.
It's a 50-minute ride in traffic.
She gave me no choice.
Look, I just want you to be happy, and I can tell that you're not.
Lest we forget, I've seen you in the tub.
Please stop saying that.
It is so gross.
You can't do it, can you? You can't exist without trying to find love.
That's ridiculous.
Of course I can.
Then let me show you some real self-care where you focus on yourself before trying to find somebody else.
And if you don't feel better, you can go back to living out your failed straight-to-streaming rom-com plots.
Okay.
All right, I I suppose that couldn't hurt.
Thank you.
The first stop in our self-care journey is diving into an elegant art form.
- Pole dancing? - Yeah.
Self-care's all about loving yourself, and I never love myself more than when I'm freaking it on the pole for me.
Brother and sister pole dancing together feels weird.
What's weird about it? It's just like a normal form of exercise.
Hi, everyone.
I'm Blair Saddles.
And for all my first-timers, just know that this class is exactly like sex.
That was hard, but surprisingly pretty great, I'm not gonna lie.
Even though it did get kind of weird during your solo routine.
What was weird? Yes, yes! I was working on that move for weeks.
All you were looking at was some hard work and determination, okay? Okay, respect to you and all your hard twerk.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hey, I'm sorry about that.
You're stepping on my foot and I can't move.
Oh, my bad.
We're going.
We're leaving.
- Okay, okay.
- We're leaving.
Man, what the hell did I just walk in on? Anthony had mentioned "Paddington 2," so I had to see what all the fuss was about, and that damn bear played a tune on my heartstrings.
It's an emotional masterpiece.
Okay, but why was you butt-ass naked, man? I cried so much that my clothes got soaked.
- Huh? - I said I cried so much that my clothes got soaked! Man, why are you laughing? I just remembered you saying we were being ridiculous.
That was before Sherm saw my big juicy ducts.
And just so you know, my tears are not usually that thick.
Okay.
Whatever.
Can we just not talk about it anymore, please? Yeah, yeah, we should just build the furniture, yeah? Nah, I think we should go our separate ways.
- Dope, I'm down to leave.
- Yep, yep.
Me too.
Awesome, bye.
What's up with you, Noah? Ah, just thinking about this girl I met earlier.
There was a spark.
It's like time stood still.
No, you stood still on that poor girl's foot.
There was no spark.
Your heart is like a gas station bathroom, open 24 hours and an absolute mess.
My heart is not like a bathroom.
It's a dirty bathroom, and clearly, you need more self-care 'cause we haven't broken this sappy cycle.
Hey, Nicky.
Hey, Noah.
Wyatt, Anthony.
- Sherman.
- Okay.
What the hell's going on with you three now? - We don't wanna talk about it.
- I saw Wyatt naked crying.
- What? - "Paddington 2.
" Wet clothes from the tears.
Ah, been there.
Paddington ain't nothing but a Black man trying to do his best.
- Mm-hmm.
- So let me get this straight.
The three of you are just gonna be, like, really weird all the time.
Y'all are grown-ass children.
You know what? Nicky's right.
We're being immature.
We can be adults about this.
We need to make Sherman cry.
- Huh? - What? Don't you see our dynamic as friends is hanging off a cliff by two fingers? Things will never be the same if we don't restore the balance.
That's right.
He's seen our emotional genitalia.
Now it's time we see his.
Sorry, fellas, but I do not cry.
Even when I was born, the doctors thought I was dead because I wouldn't cry, no matter how many times they slapped my ass.
- I just took it like a G.
- Oh, we'll see.
Because I'm still within a 48-hour rental period of a pretty emotional movie.
Oh, my God.
That "Paddington" was truly heartwarming.
But not warm enough.
Who hurt you? Welcome to the next stage of self-care: positive reinforcements.
We're gonna do some affirmations.
Cool, from, like, a book or something? Nah, these are Nicky originals.
I record them all the time.
Just repeat the phrases.
I am sexy.
I am sultry.
I am sent from heaven.
I am sexy.
I am sultry.
I am sent from heaven.
Is that that girl again? I need you to focus up.
No.
Focus up.
I'm a strong Black woman.
I'm a strong Black woman.
Yes.
And after doing my affirmations, this is where I come for stress relief.
Yeah, I was thinking more massage tables and essential oils.
Okay, well, the axe is essential for chopping through the BS.
Self-care, bitch! - Yeah! - Ah! Yeah! Chop-chop! And here it is, the final boss level of self-care, the mall.
You want a manicure? Ooh, baby, we got it.
You want a new car? We got that too, for some reason.
What are you looking at? There she is again.
Are you [BLEEP.]
kidding me? Ooh, yes.
This screams, "I am ready to be single for more than a second.
" Come on, Nicky.
How is it possible that we've seen the same woman everywhere we go? I see the same Black people all the time on the Eastside.
There's only so many of us over here.
You're not seeing what's happening because you have a giant block of ice where your heart should be.
Oh, okay, well, you have a giant Nicholas Sparks novel with two white people on the cover where your heart should be.
Wait, Noah, are you planting your ID again? No, this isn't mine.
Oh, crap.
It's girl.
Girl who? "Girl from everywhere" girl.
Don't you see? It's another sign.
Her name is Fay.
Fay.
Short for fate.
We got to get this back to her before she gets on that plane.
- Wait, what plane? - There's always a plane.
Come on, Nicky, even you have to admit there's been too many moments to ignore.
Okay, I'll admit there's been a few coincidences.
- So you're on board? - I'm not on board.
At best, I'm on the dock watching you drown.
But if you wanna go after her, go after her.
You're supposed to say, "Go to her.
" I don't talk like that.
It's time to see those tears, Sherm.
Fellas, this is a fool's errand, and y'all are the fools.
You've tried every sad movie you can think of.
And don't get me wrong.
When Will Smith was pursuing his happiness, it got me in the gut, just not in my eye-guts.
Okay, so movies don't make you cry, but you know what might? A reunion with an old friend.
One you haven't seen in ten years.
- Ron Ron? - Hey, Sherm.
- You punk-ass bitch.
- Oh, hey! - Hey, what's going on? - This dude owes me money.
That's why I ain't seen him in ten years.
But you always talking about how you wish you could see him again.
Yeah, so I could get my damn cash.
I should bop you in the lip.
Oh, so you wanna boogie bop? Yeah, let's bop the boogie.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa - Hey, hey, fellas! Fellas, come on now.
We're supposed to be brothers.
Why you got to be like that, man? I got your cash right here, man.
It's about damn time.
Look, I'm sorry.
I miss you, man.
I want my friend back, man.
Oh, no, Ron Ron.
Not you.
Damn, Ron Ron.
I'm making fusilli tonight in a cream sauce.
Get his ass out of here.
We've looked all over, Noah.
I don't think she's here anymore.
No, no, no.
We can't give up.
If I've learned anything from rom-coms, it's that this is the moment that she should just suddenly appear.
Holy crap.
You're right.
- I am? - Yes.
- I am! - Yes.
Aw, man, but she's on the move.
I have an idea.
Come on, come on, come on.
Sir, excuse me.
Sir, we need your golf cart.
- Yes.
- The hell you talking about? I'm not gonna give you my golf cart.
It's for love.
We'll give you money.
Well, why didn't you say so? Go get her.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
Um, excuse me.
- Whoa, whoa! - Hey! Pardon me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! That one's on you.
We weren't even anywhere near you.
Damn it.
Where is she? There she is.
- Come on, let's move.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- There she is! - Thank God.
You got a problem, buddy? Oh, Sherman! - What are y'all doing now? - You left us no choice but to burn your favorite pair of sneakers.
Are y'all for real? There's a tear.
We have a tear.
- Ha, we did it! - We have a tear! - We did it! - We got a tear, mm.
Sucker.
Yo yo, Sherm, you good? Burning my shoes is messed up, but that's not why I'm crying.
Those were my Uncle Malcolm's.
He was an important figure for me growing up.
He took me in when my dad moved to Washington, and he helped me get back on track when I was skipping school and smoking joints.
He was always on me to do the right thing.
I guess he's gone for good now.
Hey, guys, I'd like to make a toast.
To life, an ugly beast that is only interested in eating you alive.
Oh, I'll drink to that.
- Sherm, we're really so - Shh.
Okay, the energy here is extra funky.
Noah, you need to cheer up.
Everything's gonna be okay.
No.
The world isn't a rom-com.
You were right.
Or was I? It's fate.
I mean, Fay.
I can't believe she's here.
Well, I did some Internet sleuthing.
I tracked her down, sent her a text message, and said, "Come on down and pick up your ID.
" Well, what are you waiting for? This is your big moment.
Go to her.
Go to her.
You said it.
Go.
Go.
There you are again.
Again? Who are you? Uh Can you tell what's going on with Noah? 'Cause I can't hear anything.
No, I'ma get closer.
I'm sorry.
Let me back up.
I am the person who found your ID.
No, the person who found my ID is a woman.
Yes, but I was with her.
I'm the guy from all those run-ins.
I stepped on your foot at the pole dancing studio.
Oh, you're the dude who stomped on my foot.
Yes, that was me.
I mean, we We had a moment, right? - No.
- Well, maybe I misread things, but you have to admit it was kind of weird that we kept seeing each other everywhere.
Not really.
I see the same Black people all the time on the Eastside.
- There's only so many of us.
- I say the same thing.
Especially at the mall.
Oh, I know, right? That's my favorite place.
I'd lived there if I could.
Whoa.
Did we just become friends? - I think so.
- Hi, I'm Nicky.
I'm the one who texted you.
Oh, you're the one who found my ID.
- Well - You look so familiar.
Were you at the pole dancing studio yesterday? - Mm-hmm.
- And the park? - I was there too.
- Again, I really don't remember you.
Sherm, we need to talk.
Da, da, da, da! Just hear us out.
We messed up.
We were insecure about our emotions and we projected that onto you and we took it too far.
Yeah, way too far.
We hope this will make up for it.
You got - What's going on? - Oh, man, I got y'all.
Man, y'all were losing your minds and I wanted you to stop, so I made that whole sob story up in the moment.
Oh, my God.
Those were my Uncle Malcolm's.
An important figure for me.
My dad moved to Washington.
Skipping school and smoking joints.
And smoking joints.
Making sure I do the right thing in life.
Do the right thing in life.
Wow, you really didn't look around the room at all.
Just that one "Malcolm X" poster.
I know.
I'm surprised you didn't notice.
I mean, come on, man.
I don't smoke joints.
I smoke blunts.
Wait, what about the tears? Oh, the tears? Fake tears.
Honestly, man, I knew y'all was gonna give me something, but I did not expect it to be these rare-ass Jordan Retros.
These are rare as hell.
Come on, man! That's great, Sherman.
You got us.
Hey, my bad, man.
Look, to be real When I was growing up, my dad was always on me to man up.
He said that crying was a weakness.
I never saw him cry, not even once.
So I just grew up thinking that that's not what real men do.
I still get emotional, but I guess I just got a lot of stuff pent up.
That was really vulnerable of you.
Thanks for sharing that.
- I'm not gonna cry.
- And we're fine with that.
But what we're not fine with is you having these Jordans.
- Hold on, man.
- I was actually kind of okay with it.
Hey, I am sorry about how things went down.
Sorry for what? I couldn't be happier.
Oh, no.
Your brain broke.
No, my brain is tip-top.
I just realized that I wasn't wrong about the meet-cutes.
All those places were your favorite places.
You found her ID and you invited her to the bar.
It was your rom-com all along.
You know, the one where the closed-off cynic opens her heart and finds a new friend.
And it's called "The Perks of Being a Mallflower.
" I truly cannot believe we're related, but I'm glad that we are.
And I guess you kind of sort of rubbed off on me a little.
Well, I guess you kind of sort of rubbed off on me a little too.
I'm not gonna lie, self-care is my jam.
- Well, I'm happy you're happy.
- You don't have to say that.
I can always tell when you're happy.
After all, I have seen you in a tub.
Oh.
Don't say that.
- That's disgusting.
- Wait, but you said at first.
Well, it sounds different when I say it.
- What? How? - What do you mean how? How is it different when you say it? It just sounds a little bit better We should both stop saying it.