Grandfathered (2015) s01e02 Episode Script
Dad Face
1 So I took that baby and I ran.
I ran like the wind to that hospital, must've been five or six miles, and when I got there, I handed her to the doctor just in the nick of time.
Or else she wouldn't have made it? Let's just be glad we didn't have to find out.
And this is the daughter of the son you didn't know you had? Yeah, that part's not important.
So that makes you a grandfather? Does it? I don't really let labels define me.
That's an amazing story.
Mm.
Mmm.
It's crazy, all these years your son never knew his father.
I mean, it's basically exactly my story.
I wish I knew who my father was.
He's out there somewhere.
Mmm, mmm You know anything about your father? No.
He was just some guy who slept around a lot.
Oh.
Oh, I love your place.
So where were you born? - Right here, baby.
- Oh.
That's very cool.
So, your mom, what was her story back in the day? I think she was a bartender.
Ah.
You know what, um, what bar she worked at, by any chance? Why are we still talking about my mom? It's kind of killing the vibe.
- I don't mean to kill the vibe.
- Okay.
I just thought it'd be extra romantic if I knew for sure that you aren't my daughter.
What? I just found out that I have a son that I didn't know about, and it's you know, it's just sort of in my head now.
I mean, what if there are others out there? I slept with a lot of bartenders in the late '80s.
I mean, there was this movie called Cocktail that came out, and for some reason it just made me extremely horny.
Do you have a picture of your mother? 'Cause No, you know what? No, that wouldn't help at all.
Send her my picture.
No, I'm not sending my mom your picture, and I'm not calling her to find out what bar in Toronto she worked at when I was conceived.
Oh.
Well I've never been to Toronto.
Problem solved.
Good news.
I'm not your father.
Where were we? I'll just call you a cab, huh? Hey, kid.
All right.
Nice to see you.
Frank.
- Hey, boss, you are looking good tonight.
- Thanks, Ravi.
No.
Thank you for being such a pleasure to look at.
Hey, boss.
Looking good.
Hair's on point.
- What the hell's going on? - Why would something be going on? 'Cause you never compliment me unless you want something.
- Hey, Jimmy? - And you went for a hair compliment, - which you know is my weakness.
I mean - Jimmy? Jimmy? Why don't you try a little subtlety out? What, Ravi? No, I just wanted to reiterate that you're looking good tonight.
I know what's going on with you two.
You two want to be my plus one for Diddy's White Party this Saturday, so you're buttering me up.
Let me tell you something.
I don't play that game.
I play this game.
Both of you have to write a song about me.
The better song gets you into the party with me.
I'm not writing a song about you.
And we have a winner! Annelise, you're in.
- What?! - Yes! - Wait.
What? Why? - It was always gonna be Annelise.
Oh, hey, you need to stop by table 12 before they go.
Ugh! Why? Because it's your family, and you invited them, but you barely said so much as "hello" the entire night.
Right, my family.
I forgot I have one of those now.
How great is this? You know, our first family dinner with my dad.
Well, there's a lot of dinner, not a lot of dad.
He's around.
You know, he showed us to our table.
He sent the crumb guy over.
We saw him tell that joke.
Couldn't hear it.
Looked hilarious.
And besides, how often do my mama and my baby mama get to have dinner together? Shell-fie! All right, hashtag wordplay, hashtag Jimmy's, hashtag oh strong-not-skinny.
What's your user name? I'll tag you.
It's "I'm a 46-year-old woman.
" Hey! So good to see you all again! It's great to be here.
I only came because Gerald wanted me to.
Thank you for making that clear.
And because I assume the food is free.
We'll see.
Well, it was great to see you all.
I'm gonna go put out some fires.
It's-it's crazy tonight.
Oh, no, it's not.
It's actually really smooth.
Stop talking? - Okay.
- Oh.
All right.
- Good-bye, pork chop.
- Bye.
Great seeing your cute little face.
Yeah.
Which reminds me.
We still don't allow children here, so could you put a coat over her head when you take her out? Or we could slide down your garbage chute.
No.
We don't have a garbage chute.
We're on street level.
Uh, you know, I'm gonna go talk to Jimmy real quick.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Hi.
How old did you say you were? Oh, we don't need to talk about that.
Hey, Dad or, uh, Jimmy.
Hey! Hey.
Uh, you know, it was really fun seeing you tonight.
Yeah, uh, but I was thinking it would be fun to see you sometime when you're not working.
Are you kidding me? I'd love that.
You tell me when, and I'll be there.
Great! Uh, come spend the day with us on Saturday.
Eh, Saturday's not good.
You sure? We got a whole family outing planned.
Yeah, we're gonna go to the beach, cruise through a drive-through or, you know, eat inside if we're feeling crazy.
I can't.
I got to go to this party.
And it's not just any party.
It's Diddy's White Party.
And it's not just any Diddy's White Party.
It's the first Diddy's White Party to hit the West Coast since 2009.
- Oh, like El Niño.
- Is that a rapper? The El Niño Southern Oscillation? It's a weather pattern.
Yeah, it's a rapper.
See, Gerry important to me.
I mean, it's a good chance for me to do some networking for the restaurant, there's a whole charity component, Kate Upton might be there.
I get it.
Yeah, I just thought it'd be fun for you to, uh, see what a family weekend's like.
But, uh, I'll send you pictures.
- Okay.
- Okay.
What, Ravi? Are you really gonna blow off your kid like that? I'm not blowing him off.
I'm just setting some boundaries.
Everybody thinks that, uh, when you have a family, you have to give up your old life.
Well, guess what.
My old life is amazing.
I don't know if I'm cut out to be those dads I see on Sunday when I drive by the zoo.
It's like, uh Oh, you know what? I wrote down this really smart observation.
Hold on.
One second.
Uh, it's like, um "It's like those people are the ones in cages.
" You were driving, and you stopped to write that down? Yeah.
Hmm.
Look at me.
I worked very hard to be this kind of man.
This is the kind of man people see at Diddy's White Party and say, "Yes, he should be at Diddy's White Party.
" Not the kind of man that's sitting in the back of a station wagon, singing songs, with a fanny pack full of wipes.
That's reasonable, right, Victor? A horse kicked me in the penis when I was 16, and now I can't have children.
Jimmy, when my wife left me last autumn, it felt like I got kicked in the penis by a horse.
No, it didn't.
My point is, seize every moment with your family, Jimmy, trust me.
You know, maybe you're right.
I'm trying to set boundaries, and maybe I don't even want to.
I mean, they're not so bad, right? I mean, I like that baby, and the kid clearly needs my help.
What's one more party? I've been to so many parties.
And Kate Upton probably won't even show up.
She never shows up.
Yeah, a family day would be good.
Maybe I'll do that.
If you're not going to the party, can I go instead? No.
Can I go? God, you guys ready? Jimmy said he'll be here any minute.
Just so you know, based on when I was dating him, that could mean anything from "he'll be here soon" to "we'll never see him again.
" He'll be here.
He texted that he's excited.
No, you texted him, "Are you excited?" And he texted back, "Okay.
" What up? What up? What up with you? Oh, sorry, that wasn't for you.
Got to do this again.
What up? What up? It's family fun day, bitches! Hey, I know you have a tremendous soul-killing crush on her.
- Sure do.
- Can I ask why? Aside from the fact that she's the mother of your child? And that? Look, it's like an M.
Night Shyamalan movie, you know? You think you got it all figured out, and bang! You know, it hits you with a crazy awesome surprise you never saw coming.
So Vanessa's been dead the entire time? Just try to get to know her, all right? No! Maybe.
Oh, yeah! Now it's a family Saturday.
Pop-Pop's here! No.
Jimmy.
Jimmy's here.
That is a bold hat choice you got going there, kiddo.
I got you one.
Um, you ready to go? Uh, do you have your swimsuit on under that actual suit? We're gonna take Edie into the water for the first time.
Oh, I don't swim.
Old football injury.
He thinks his legs are too skinny.
He always has, and he never played football.
Yes, because my legs are too skinny.
No worries.
Family fun day, y'all! Let's do this! Yeah.
Did everyone pee? - I need to pee.
- Just do it now.
Yeah? - Want to do it now? - Guys, Jimmy has to move his car.
I can't believe I used to think the world outside this party was worth living in.
Hey, when this thing ends, do you promise you'll kill me? Promise you'll kill me, too? Same time.
Yeah! Should we try to harmonize? - Sure, let's do that.
- You go high, I'll go low.
- All right, six hot dogs.
- You want ice cream? - Two Cokes - Ooh, yeah.
- I got ketchup - Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Ketchup on my Jimmy? No.
Steve? Yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
We just got to scope out a spot.
Look at him.
He's making Dad Face.
What's Dad Face? What him and the other dads are making.
Are you really criticizing his face? No, I like his face.
He's got my face.
- He just doesn't know how to use it.
- Guys! I found a spot near the garbage can! Let's set up by the garbage! The garbage! Yeah, I got it.
Garbage.
So, you take a lot of pictures of yourself.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's self-expression, you know? Gives me a way to be artistic.
So what's new with you? What's the latest in the life of my son's friend who he had a child with? Actually, I think I've figured out my five-year plan.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm gonna make instructional makeup videos on YouTube.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
All right! Beach setup complete! Uh, but we'll need more wet wipes if we're gonna be here till 7:00.
We're gonna be here till night? Yeah.
That's when the ghost crabs come out.
And? And they put on quite the show.
All right, all right, okay.
You know what? You and I - we're gonna go get some wet wipes, okay? - Okay.
Uh, I can go, too.
Oh, no, no.
Stay here and keep Vanessa company.
Perfect.
What are we doing here? We're on a wipe run.
Welcome to the White Party.
Oh.
Did you say White Party or Wipe Party? - Will you stop thinking about wipes?! - Okay.
It's just, we're on a wipe run, you know.
Get out of the car! Wipe party would be crazy.
Hide the car.
Hey, meet us out in front in 15 seconds.
We're coming in hot.
Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Wait, wait, wait.
We're just gonna ditch everyone? It's family fun day! What are we? Family.
What are we having? Fun.
What time is it? Day.
How far do you think we are from Mom and them? Stop making that face! They're gonna be fine.
It's us I'm worried about.
Gerr you because you have a family doesn't mean you have to be trapped.
It's like it's like those guys at the zoo how they're the animals.
- What? - Never mind.
When you came to find me, what What was it? You wanted me to help you be cool, right? Well, this is me helping.
You're a young man.
You got to experience some Hi.
Some fun.
What do you say? All right.
Let's go in.
Okay.
Okay.
Bands? Wrist bands.
Damn it! Come on.
Sorry.
I'm gonna go walk into the ocean.
Oh, gift bags? Yes! I'm just gonna move over here.
- Hi, there.
- Oh, God.
Mind if we lay down a little heartbeat? - No, thank you.
- Yeah.
That would be dope.
How dope is this? I love drum circles.
Cool.
We're not wearing white.
It's okay.
Diddy's done way worse at my house.
Girls! Hi.
Hey, man.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sorry.
Uh, how long do you want to stay? I want to make sure we get back to Edie and them.
Relax.
Enjoy yourself.
We're at a party.
Hey, look food that doesn't come with a toy.
Oh, try the tuna.
You're kidding, right? Bluefin tuna's crazy overfished.
Yeah, because it's so delicious.
I'm with you! Eating tuna is not cool.
Can I ask you a random question? What sign are you? I'm an Aries.
Yeah, but astrology's complete junk science.
Oh, my god, I'm an Aries, too! What are the odds? Uh, one in 12.
What up? What up? I'm at a drum circle gettin' my groove on.
Super hot out here.
We wish you were here.
I'm sorry.
How much longer will we be enjoying this? Not much longer.
Four, five hours maybe.
15 tops.
Well, how about moving to another spot? Hey, you don't own the beach, one-percenter.
A one-percenter? No, I'm I'm a middle-class social worker! I was just worrying about money the other day.
I Who threw that?! Who the hell threw that at my baby?! Go throw your drum in the ocean.
Do it! What are you looking at, Game of Thrones? Okay, baby, is it sunscreen time again? Ooh.
Yeah, I know.
It's getting hot out here.
You need a little on your arms.
Shyamalan.
You know, you girls are so cool for models.
You must have been very popular in high school.
- No, I was so awkward.
- Really? Hey! Excuse me.
What happened to your pretty little lady friend? We had a really nice conversation about the beef industry, and then her and some guys started doing a ton of cocaine.
- That happens.
- Yeah.
Uh, well, as fun as this was, maybe we should start heading back? I think Edie's probably ready to check out the water.
Oh, yeah, but Adriana is definitely ready to check out the water.
It's all right if you want to stay.
No, it's I don't want to stay.
I have to stay.
I'm refereeing a chicken fight.
Great! Stay.
Yeah, ref the chicken fight.
I'm gonna go play with your granddaughter in the ocean.
What, you mad at me? Come on, I put in real time to your family day.
I thought it was our family day.
You-you have spent this entire day being embarrassed by us.
Do you think I feel cool singing "This Old Man" 500 times in my mom's hatchback? Do you think I like keeping track of how many baby wipes we have? I know I look like a dork in this hat, but I have to wear it because my daughter loves building sand castles, but she sucks at it, and so, it takes forever, and I get sunburned.
You know, family is an endless stream of just exhausting crap that makes you feel like the least cool person on earth, but but you do it because you love your kid.
I mean, 'cause sometimes, you get these amazing moments, like watching her go in the ocean for the first time.
Which I'm not gonna miss just explaining this to you.
Okay, I get it.
Let's go back.
Just stay, all right? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
That's the beauty of this thing, right? We're adults.
I'm 25.
I'm 25 and a half.
No one uses the fraction.
Look, just stay, okay? You don't owe me anything, seriously.
Oh, by the way, I think your pink shirt is dorky.
Really? No, it's You pull it off really well.
Excuse me.
Hey! How did you get in here? Gerald gave me his wristband.
So, are any of these girls gay? Or mad at their parents? Damn it, now I know how Victor felt.
- What? - He got kicked in the penis by a horse.
What?! Hey, do you think Edie's gone in the water yet? I'll see if Vanessa posted any photos.
- You follow her? - Since the day I met her.
That sounded creepy.
Whatever.
I'm fine with it.
Guess who's getting in the water for the first time! We are! Jimmy, get in here! I need man to sit on! Does anyone have a bathing suit I could borrow? I have one for you.
One, two, three! So if I can get a big online fan base, I can make up to six figures with the YouTube videos and work around Edie's schedule.
So that's why you take all those pictures of yourself.
That's smart.
Let me know if there's any way I can help you.
Well, actually, uh, it is really hard to take pictures of your own butt.
I'd be honored to take pictures of your butt.
Really? Ready for the ocean, Bubby? Come on.
Come on, guys! Let's do it! Wait! Hold on! Wait for me! Huh.
Whoa! Oh! I got the wipes.
Wow.
You really do have skinny legs.
I'm glad I got Mom's.
Hers are more - There's no good way to finish that.
- Sorry.
I feel people staring at my legs.
I'm gonna go in the water.
Do it, dirty boy.
Oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh.
- This is cool.
- Yeah.
What the hell's that?
I ran like the wind to that hospital, must've been five or six miles, and when I got there, I handed her to the doctor just in the nick of time.
Or else she wouldn't have made it? Let's just be glad we didn't have to find out.
And this is the daughter of the son you didn't know you had? Yeah, that part's not important.
So that makes you a grandfather? Does it? I don't really let labels define me.
That's an amazing story.
Mm.
Mmm.
It's crazy, all these years your son never knew his father.
I mean, it's basically exactly my story.
I wish I knew who my father was.
He's out there somewhere.
Mmm, mmm You know anything about your father? No.
He was just some guy who slept around a lot.
Oh.
Oh, I love your place.
So where were you born? - Right here, baby.
- Oh.
That's very cool.
So, your mom, what was her story back in the day? I think she was a bartender.
Ah.
You know what, um, what bar she worked at, by any chance? Why are we still talking about my mom? It's kind of killing the vibe.
- I don't mean to kill the vibe.
- Okay.
I just thought it'd be extra romantic if I knew for sure that you aren't my daughter.
What? I just found out that I have a son that I didn't know about, and it's you know, it's just sort of in my head now.
I mean, what if there are others out there? I slept with a lot of bartenders in the late '80s.
I mean, there was this movie called Cocktail that came out, and for some reason it just made me extremely horny.
Do you have a picture of your mother? 'Cause No, you know what? No, that wouldn't help at all.
Send her my picture.
No, I'm not sending my mom your picture, and I'm not calling her to find out what bar in Toronto she worked at when I was conceived.
Oh.
Well I've never been to Toronto.
Problem solved.
Good news.
I'm not your father.
Where were we? I'll just call you a cab, huh? Hey, kid.
All right.
Nice to see you.
Frank.
- Hey, boss, you are looking good tonight.
- Thanks, Ravi.
No.
Thank you for being such a pleasure to look at.
Hey, boss.
Looking good.
Hair's on point.
- What the hell's going on? - Why would something be going on? 'Cause you never compliment me unless you want something.
- Hey, Jimmy? - And you went for a hair compliment, - which you know is my weakness.
I mean - Jimmy? Jimmy? Why don't you try a little subtlety out? What, Ravi? No, I just wanted to reiterate that you're looking good tonight.
I know what's going on with you two.
You two want to be my plus one for Diddy's White Party this Saturday, so you're buttering me up.
Let me tell you something.
I don't play that game.
I play this game.
Both of you have to write a song about me.
The better song gets you into the party with me.
I'm not writing a song about you.
And we have a winner! Annelise, you're in.
- What?! - Yes! - Wait.
What? Why? - It was always gonna be Annelise.
Oh, hey, you need to stop by table 12 before they go.
Ugh! Why? Because it's your family, and you invited them, but you barely said so much as "hello" the entire night.
Right, my family.
I forgot I have one of those now.
How great is this? You know, our first family dinner with my dad.
Well, there's a lot of dinner, not a lot of dad.
He's around.
You know, he showed us to our table.
He sent the crumb guy over.
We saw him tell that joke.
Couldn't hear it.
Looked hilarious.
And besides, how often do my mama and my baby mama get to have dinner together? Shell-fie! All right, hashtag wordplay, hashtag Jimmy's, hashtag oh strong-not-skinny.
What's your user name? I'll tag you.
It's "I'm a 46-year-old woman.
" Hey! So good to see you all again! It's great to be here.
I only came because Gerald wanted me to.
Thank you for making that clear.
And because I assume the food is free.
We'll see.
Well, it was great to see you all.
I'm gonna go put out some fires.
It's-it's crazy tonight.
Oh, no, it's not.
It's actually really smooth.
Stop talking? - Okay.
- Oh.
All right.
- Good-bye, pork chop.
- Bye.
Great seeing your cute little face.
Yeah.
Which reminds me.
We still don't allow children here, so could you put a coat over her head when you take her out? Or we could slide down your garbage chute.
No.
We don't have a garbage chute.
We're on street level.
Uh, you know, I'm gonna go talk to Jimmy real quick.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Hi.
How old did you say you were? Oh, we don't need to talk about that.
Hey, Dad or, uh, Jimmy.
Hey! Hey.
Uh, you know, it was really fun seeing you tonight.
Yeah, uh, but I was thinking it would be fun to see you sometime when you're not working.
Are you kidding me? I'd love that.
You tell me when, and I'll be there.
Great! Uh, come spend the day with us on Saturday.
Eh, Saturday's not good.
You sure? We got a whole family outing planned.
Yeah, we're gonna go to the beach, cruise through a drive-through or, you know, eat inside if we're feeling crazy.
I can't.
I got to go to this party.
And it's not just any party.
It's Diddy's White Party.
And it's not just any Diddy's White Party.
It's the first Diddy's White Party to hit the West Coast since 2009.
- Oh, like El Niño.
- Is that a rapper? The El Niño Southern Oscillation? It's a weather pattern.
Yeah, it's a rapper.
See, Gerry important to me.
I mean, it's a good chance for me to do some networking for the restaurant, there's a whole charity component, Kate Upton might be there.
I get it.
Yeah, I just thought it'd be fun for you to, uh, see what a family weekend's like.
But, uh, I'll send you pictures.
- Okay.
- Okay.
What, Ravi? Are you really gonna blow off your kid like that? I'm not blowing him off.
I'm just setting some boundaries.
Everybody thinks that, uh, when you have a family, you have to give up your old life.
Well, guess what.
My old life is amazing.
I don't know if I'm cut out to be those dads I see on Sunday when I drive by the zoo.
It's like, uh Oh, you know what? I wrote down this really smart observation.
Hold on.
One second.
Uh, it's like, um "It's like those people are the ones in cages.
" You were driving, and you stopped to write that down? Yeah.
Hmm.
Look at me.
I worked very hard to be this kind of man.
This is the kind of man people see at Diddy's White Party and say, "Yes, he should be at Diddy's White Party.
" Not the kind of man that's sitting in the back of a station wagon, singing songs, with a fanny pack full of wipes.
That's reasonable, right, Victor? A horse kicked me in the penis when I was 16, and now I can't have children.
Jimmy, when my wife left me last autumn, it felt like I got kicked in the penis by a horse.
No, it didn't.
My point is, seize every moment with your family, Jimmy, trust me.
You know, maybe you're right.
I'm trying to set boundaries, and maybe I don't even want to.
I mean, they're not so bad, right? I mean, I like that baby, and the kid clearly needs my help.
What's one more party? I've been to so many parties.
And Kate Upton probably won't even show up.
She never shows up.
Yeah, a family day would be good.
Maybe I'll do that.
If you're not going to the party, can I go instead? No.
Can I go? God, you guys ready? Jimmy said he'll be here any minute.
Just so you know, based on when I was dating him, that could mean anything from "he'll be here soon" to "we'll never see him again.
" He'll be here.
He texted that he's excited.
No, you texted him, "Are you excited?" And he texted back, "Okay.
" What up? What up? What up with you? Oh, sorry, that wasn't for you.
Got to do this again.
What up? What up? It's family fun day, bitches! Hey, I know you have a tremendous soul-killing crush on her.
- Sure do.
- Can I ask why? Aside from the fact that she's the mother of your child? And that? Look, it's like an M.
Night Shyamalan movie, you know? You think you got it all figured out, and bang! You know, it hits you with a crazy awesome surprise you never saw coming.
So Vanessa's been dead the entire time? Just try to get to know her, all right? No! Maybe.
Oh, yeah! Now it's a family Saturday.
Pop-Pop's here! No.
Jimmy.
Jimmy's here.
That is a bold hat choice you got going there, kiddo.
I got you one.
Um, you ready to go? Uh, do you have your swimsuit on under that actual suit? We're gonna take Edie into the water for the first time.
Oh, I don't swim.
Old football injury.
He thinks his legs are too skinny.
He always has, and he never played football.
Yes, because my legs are too skinny.
No worries.
Family fun day, y'all! Let's do this! Yeah.
Did everyone pee? - I need to pee.
- Just do it now.
Yeah? - Want to do it now? - Guys, Jimmy has to move his car.
I can't believe I used to think the world outside this party was worth living in.
Hey, when this thing ends, do you promise you'll kill me? Promise you'll kill me, too? Same time.
Yeah! Should we try to harmonize? - Sure, let's do that.
- You go high, I'll go low.
- All right, six hot dogs.
- You want ice cream? - Two Cokes - Ooh, yeah.
- I got ketchup - Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Ketchup on my Jimmy? No.
Steve? Yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
We just got to scope out a spot.
Look at him.
He's making Dad Face.
What's Dad Face? What him and the other dads are making.
Are you really criticizing his face? No, I like his face.
He's got my face.
- He just doesn't know how to use it.
- Guys! I found a spot near the garbage can! Let's set up by the garbage! The garbage! Yeah, I got it.
Garbage.
So, you take a lot of pictures of yourself.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's self-expression, you know? Gives me a way to be artistic.
So what's new with you? What's the latest in the life of my son's friend who he had a child with? Actually, I think I've figured out my five-year plan.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm gonna make instructional makeup videos on YouTube.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
All right! Beach setup complete! Uh, but we'll need more wet wipes if we're gonna be here till 7:00.
We're gonna be here till night? Yeah.
That's when the ghost crabs come out.
And? And they put on quite the show.
All right, all right, okay.
You know what? You and I - we're gonna go get some wet wipes, okay? - Okay.
Uh, I can go, too.
Oh, no, no.
Stay here and keep Vanessa company.
Perfect.
What are we doing here? We're on a wipe run.
Welcome to the White Party.
Oh.
Did you say White Party or Wipe Party? - Will you stop thinking about wipes?! - Okay.
It's just, we're on a wipe run, you know.
Get out of the car! Wipe party would be crazy.
Hide the car.
Hey, meet us out in front in 15 seconds.
We're coming in hot.
Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Wait, wait, wait.
We're just gonna ditch everyone? It's family fun day! What are we? Family.
What are we having? Fun.
What time is it? Day.
How far do you think we are from Mom and them? Stop making that face! They're gonna be fine.
It's us I'm worried about.
Gerr you because you have a family doesn't mean you have to be trapped.
It's like it's like those guys at the zoo how they're the animals.
- What? - Never mind.
When you came to find me, what What was it? You wanted me to help you be cool, right? Well, this is me helping.
You're a young man.
You got to experience some Hi.
Some fun.
What do you say? All right.
Let's go in.
Okay.
Okay.
Bands? Wrist bands.
Damn it! Come on.
Sorry.
I'm gonna go walk into the ocean.
Oh, gift bags? Yes! I'm just gonna move over here.
- Hi, there.
- Oh, God.
Mind if we lay down a little heartbeat? - No, thank you.
- Yeah.
That would be dope.
How dope is this? I love drum circles.
Cool.
We're not wearing white.
It's okay.
Diddy's done way worse at my house.
Girls! Hi.
Hey, man.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sorry.
Uh, how long do you want to stay? I want to make sure we get back to Edie and them.
Relax.
Enjoy yourself.
We're at a party.
Hey, look food that doesn't come with a toy.
Oh, try the tuna.
You're kidding, right? Bluefin tuna's crazy overfished.
Yeah, because it's so delicious.
I'm with you! Eating tuna is not cool.
Can I ask you a random question? What sign are you? I'm an Aries.
Yeah, but astrology's complete junk science.
Oh, my god, I'm an Aries, too! What are the odds? Uh, one in 12.
What up? What up? I'm at a drum circle gettin' my groove on.
Super hot out here.
We wish you were here.
I'm sorry.
How much longer will we be enjoying this? Not much longer.
Four, five hours maybe.
15 tops.
Well, how about moving to another spot? Hey, you don't own the beach, one-percenter.
A one-percenter? No, I'm I'm a middle-class social worker! I was just worrying about money the other day.
I Who threw that?! Who the hell threw that at my baby?! Go throw your drum in the ocean.
Do it! What are you looking at, Game of Thrones? Okay, baby, is it sunscreen time again? Ooh.
Yeah, I know.
It's getting hot out here.
You need a little on your arms.
Shyamalan.
You know, you girls are so cool for models.
You must have been very popular in high school.
- No, I was so awkward.
- Really? Hey! Excuse me.
What happened to your pretty little lady friend? We had a really nice conversation about the beef industry, and then her and some guys started doing a ton of cocaine.
- That happens.
- Yeah.
Uh, well, as fun as this was, maybe we should start heading back? I think Edie's probably ready to check out the water.
Oh, yeah, but Adriana is definitely ready to check out the water.
It's all right if you want to stay.
No, it's I don't want to stay.
I have to stay.
I'm refereeing a chicken fight.
Great! Stay.
Yeah, ref the chicken fight.
I'm gonna go play with your granddaughter in the ocean.
What, you mad at me? Come on, I put in real time to your family day.
I thought it was our family day.
You-you have spent this entire day being embarrassed by us.
Do you think I feel cool singing "This Old Man" 500 times in my mom's hatchback? Do you think I like keeping track of how many baby wipes we have? I know I look like a dork in this hat, but I have to wear it because my daughter loves building sand castles, but she sucks at it, and so, it takes forever, and I get sunburned.
You know, family is an endless stream of just exhausting crap that makes you feel like the least cool person on earth, but but you do it because you love your kid.
I mean, 'cause sometimes, you get these amazing moments, like watching her go in the ocean for the first time.
Which I'm not gonna miss just explaining this to you.
Okay, I get it.
Let's go back.
Just stay, all right? You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
That's the beauty of this thing, right? We're adults.
I'm 25.
I'm 25 and a half.
No one uses the fraction.
Look, just stay, okay? You don't owe me anything, seriously.
Oh, by the way, I think your pink shirt is dorky.
Really? No, it's You pull it off really well.
Excuse me.
Hey! How did you get in here? Gerald gave me his wristband.
So, are any of these girls gay? Or mad at their parents? Damn it, now I know how Victor felt.
- What? - He got kicked in the penis by a horse.
What?! Hey, do you think Edie's gone in the water yet? I'll see if Vanessa posted any photos.
- You follow her? - Since the day I met her.
That sounded creepy.
Whatever.
I'm fine with it.
Guess who's getting in the water for the first time! We are! Jimmy, get in here! I need man to sit on! Does anyone have a bathing suit I could borrow? I have one for you.
One, two, three! So if I can get a big online fan base, I can make up to six figures with the YouTube videos and work around Edie's schedule.
So that's why you take all those pictures of yourself.
That's smart.
Let me know if there's any way I can help you.
Well, actually, uh, it is really hard to take pictures of your own butt.
I'd be honored to take pictures of your butt.
Really? Ready for the ocean, Bubby? Come on.
Come on, guys! Let's do it! Wait! Hold on! Wait for me! Huh.
Whoa! Oh! I got the wipes.
Wow.
You really do have skinny legs.
I'm glad I got Mom's.
Hers are more - There's no good way to finish that.
- Sorry.
I feel people staring at my legs.
I'm gonna go in the water.
Do it, dirty boy.
Oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh.
- This is cool.
- Yeah.
What the hell's that?