Green Wing s01e02 Episode Script
Rumours
I am starting a new job at 8:30 in a hospital.
And smile.
Welcome to the lunatic asylum.
Hm? (barking) Guy Secretan.
It's Swiss.
- Where will you sleep tonight? - I'm working on it.
There'll be a hotel.
Is Aphrodite in for her Apollo? - Martin's having a wank in the cupboard! - I'm not.
I'm not.
I am in a strange man's flat who may be a psychopath, and I've done the biggest monster that won't go down! - It won't go any further.
- I think I'm going to have to kill you.
0oh! - (man ) Joanna? - No.
- Joanna? - No.
Joanna, why? Why do we go through this rigmarole every time? It's ludicrous.
Because they're the rules, Alan.
I can't possibly be seen with you.
Now get out.
- It's ridiculous.
- Come on, get out, out! All right, I'm getting out.
Come in through the nurses' wing.
And, for Christ's sake, try to look normal! Alan! - Wig! - Yes, I know.
Christ! - What? - I wasn't at your flat last night, 0K? - 0K.
And nothing happened.
- No, nothing did happen.
- Well, you say so - Yeah, I do.
I say so because it is, in fact, a statement of fact! Hey, I may be many things, but not being indiscreet isn't one of them.
- 0h, shit! We can't possibly get out here.
- Why not? Well, because they you I, erm I don't know what any of these buttons do.
- 0h, right.
Well, this is the - No, you go on in, I'll just check it out.
0h, shit! 0h! (horn beeping) - Stop.
Shut up! Shut up! (beeps horn ) Yeah, when you're quite ready, love! Go back.
And slow down.
Yes, right.
- And fuck off! - Right, yeah.
She's my secret lover, the lady over there.
(song continues ) Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Yes, I stayed at Dr Secretan's flat on my very first night here but, no, we did not have sex.
All right? Good morning, ladies.
Wow! 0h, what a night! (car lock beeps ) - Hiya.
You two come together? - Are you mad? I'm a doctor.
- So did you catch your prey? - Can't say.
- Why? - She told me not to divulge details.
- So you did catch her? - I've been sworn to secrecy.
- By whom? - By Caroline Todd.
0h, damn! - No! - You bastard! You're too smart for me.
- You didn't? - 0h, no.
- Now you'll tell everyone.
- No, I promise I won't.
- Why not? - Because Caroline wouldn't want me to.
- So? - So you've got to respect her feelings.
- Why? - Well, because Caroline - Because you have.
- 0h, I see.
- You think she's lovely.
- I don't.
- She's the woman of your dreams.
- Shut up.
Yeah, well, dream on, mate, cos she's hooked.
Hooked, played and safely in the landing net.
She's only human after all.
0h, erm, morning, Dr Secretan, isn't it? - Yes.
Good morning, Dr Plodd? - Todd.
Todd.
Yes, how are you since I last saw you yesterday afternoon? I'm fine.
Yes, thank you very much for asking.
- Erm, did you sleep well? - Yes, like a log.
0h, the loo's completely clear now, by the way.
- What loo? - Yeah, what loo? The disabled toilet next to the Was that you, or was that somebody else? It wasn't me.
How's the liaising going? Hmm, it's all right, yeah.
Anything I should know about? Ah, revision.
- No, it's a note, and it's quite hard.
- Suicide note? - No! - Shame.
It's a note to the cleaners about my yoghurt.
0h, really? 0h, tell me about it.
- Well, I always put the yoghurt in the - (snores ) What's the problem? I hide the yoghurt in the Perspex drawer at the bottom of the fridge.
They move it to the top drawer where the milk and ordinary yoghurt is.
- Bastards! - Yours isn't ordinary? No, it's soya.
0akwood Farm fruits of the forest natural live yoghurt.
- What's wrong with the note? - Is it too friendly? Will they think I'm taking the piss with '"Dear Cleaners'"? - Do you speak to them? - Not really.
I just go, '"Urh'", and they sort of go, '"Urh'".
That's relaxed.
What about '"Hi, there'".
- What about '"To the useless shitheads'"? - No, you got to keep them on your side.
Just put '"Dear Cleaners'" and hope they don't take it as a sexual advance.
0K.
- Shit! - What? - Now I've underlined the word '"please'".
- 0h, no.
'"Please leave'" Ah, you sound really angry now.
They'll probably piss in my yoghurt, like in that restaurant.
- Which restaurant? - Erm, there was no restaurant.
- They won't piss in your yoghurt, Martin.
- You sure? It's too obvious.
Much easier to hide little bits of shit and glue the top back on.
Thanks, Guy(!) - Never guess he was sweet deep down.
- No, he's not.
He must be in touch with his feminine side - his middle name is Valerie.
- His middle name's not Valerie! - 0h, yes, it is.
Mac told me.
0h, brilliant.
0h, yes, roll on lunch time.
Girls' names gags-a-gogo.
Valerie.
Valerie.
(knocks at door) In-tray.
- Funny.
- Dr Macartney, take a seat.
- I'd rather stand.
- I'd rather you sat.
Surely it's my choice if I sit or stand.
- Not on this occasion, no.
Please be seated.
- No, thank you.
What do you want? This is my office.
Please be seated for our discussion.
Being at the same eye level creates easy-flowing conversation.
- Hmm, you could stand if you want.
- You sit.
- You stand.
- You sit! - You stand.
- I will not be Thank Right, now I wanted to have a discussion with you about your review with the board next week.
This isn't This is the kind of behaviour that they will not tolerate.
- Now, will you be sit! - No.
Look, this kind of insubordination is precisely the reason you were overlooked for promotion last Wednesday.
As a result, get out! I'll discuss this with you later, when you're less - Handsome? - No, less - Charming? - Less sitting.
Get out! Thank you.
- You can sit now, if you - I will not! 0K.
Shred these before Joanna sees them.
How are things going with Tim? Well, it's just I was with him last night.
Thing is, he said I had a furry face.
- That can't be a good thing, can it? - No, I guess not.
(sobs ) Damn my furry face! 0h, don't worry, you'll find someone else.
Besides, your face is not that furry.
I can't see it.
- Touch it.
- No.
I need another perspective.
I'd have said downy, never furry.
Thanks.
Downy.
Late again, Harriet.
- Is the lost-property box here? - Looking for your wee tinkle? - What's a tinkle? - All in good time, little man.
Mmm.
Erm, has anybody handed in any yoghurt? - In a pot? - Yeah.
No.
It's just that I've had trouble with my yoghurt because it keeps getting moved.
It's now missing.
It was stolen.
Whoa, back up there, Columbo! Calling me a thief? - No.
No.
- Well, I hope not.
Careful, careful, careful.
Just, has anyone handed in any food at all? A satsuma, two Curly Wurlys and some kind of Bombay mix, which is far spicier than I really like it, you know.
Much too, er, hot.
Hmm.
Could you have maybe eaten it by mistake? (under breath ) No.
Well, I'll let myself out.
0h, God, what a night! - You all right? - Yeah, just a bit stiff.
- A few aching Probably a groin strain.
- 0h, yeah.
- 0h, and an aching tongue.
- I can't have my staff working like that.
- Your staff? - Yeah, my staff.
I am the surgeon, you are my anaesthetist.
I'm not your anaesthetist.
You're my surgeon.
You're my surgeon bitch.
No, you create the environment in which I can do my job.
- Cut her open, bitch.
- Gas her, fucker.
- Sew it up, gimp.
- You are part of my team.
- I'm not! - You are part of my fucking team.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - You are.
- You're part of my anus! - You are like the unprofessional copilot that causes an aeroplane disaster because he has no real sense of his true position - how you owe me respect by being part of my team.
- I am the captain, you are the first officer.
- No, you're the trolley dolly.
- I bet you I'm the captain.
- I bet you I am.
I bet you don't even know where the cockpit is.
Let's make it fair.
Whoever gets the newest member of the team to spend the night at their place is captain.
- Why? - You're too late, I win! Why? - You're the baby, I'm the placenta.
- Sorry, more nuts, please.
Yeah, well, you can't use mine, cos they're all - I'm trying to fly.
- They're squeezed out.
- I'm trying to fly my plane.
Clean the toilet.
- They've been I have been using my nuts.
Get in! - Have you? - Yeah.
All night! - Good day.
- We're all part of his team, apparently.
Thank you.
Everything should be straightforward this morning, except the bits that are straight backward.
A few ground rules: no bombing, no running, no petting, no diving, no inflatables.
In fact, leave all swimming-related activities until later as this is an operating theatre.
Perhaps we should have badges made up: '"Mac's Team'".
I forgot to tell you, we have one nonswimmer joining us.
Dr Secretan.
Welcome to him.
0K, let's go.
See if we can find this - I'm an excellent swimmer.
- Yup.
Guy, we have moved on.
Yeah.
I can swim two miles easy, no problemo.
I can do the butterfly, the hardest style, and I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
Probably very handy for a bed-wetter.
Yeah, all I'm saying is that I am a first-class swimmer, superb, and on a scale of one to ten, I'd be an eight, probably shading a nine.
I think you should calm down cos I was only playing, my insecure little friend.
Yeah, actually I'm not insecure.
I'm very secure.
Very, very secure.
The Man From Atlantis: that's what they used to call me at my swimming club.
- You finding your way? It's hard being new.
- God, yes, isn't it awful? Did you feel like you were walking around with a neon sign saying '"Clueless twat'"? No.
No, I meant finding your way around.
It's hard to get your bearings.
Poor you.
It hasn't helped half the hospital assuming I slept with the first man I saw.
- I know, hideous.
- Which I didn't, as it happens.
And that's quite good for me because I haven't had any in some time.
I could easily have been persuaded to have rough sex up against a wall or, in fact, any hard surface, between you and me.
Grief! No! 0h, no, not with you.
No, I didn't mean between you and me like in a literal sense.
I meant between me and men.
Man! 0ne man.
Yeah, I know.
Let's see if we can save this young lady's life, despite Johnny Weissmuller.
He can't swim.
I'll just leave this here for a passing diabetic.
Aren't you going to eat that? Yes, yes, I'm just going to use it for a bit of juggling practice first.
They love it in the children's ward.
Swimming.
Missing you already.
Morning, Dr Statham.
Morning, Mark.
Erm, I wondered if I could just pick your brains for a minute? - Can't it wait? - Well, I've got some students later on, and I just wanted to run something past you, as it were.
Almost literally.
Yeah? Does my coat sweep when I go round a corner? - Pardon? - Does my coat, when I walk, does it sweep? Sweep? You know.
Does it sort of float out the back when I go round with a sense of contained urgency, yet stylish élan? I'll tell you what, Alan, go back to where you came from and try walking with a sense of, erm, what was it? - Contained urgency, yet stylish élan.
- Yeah, and I'll watch and say what I think.
- Good, good.
You wouldn't mind? - No, no, not at all.
- 0h, quick, you're wanted, Doctor.
- Ah.
I'll straight Er, this way.
- Arse! - No, no.
- 0h, my goodness! - Tit! - Disappointed.
- What? What? - How are you today? - Fine.
- Good.
Any aches, groin strains? - Stop right there.
Come back here.
- Stop right there, come back here, which? - Can I say one thing? I don't know what you're talking about, and always check your facts.
Good day.
That's two things.
Three, if you count the valedictory flourish.
I think I hit a bit of a nerve.
Can I go and cut people up now? - Yes.
- Excellent.
Try and get some sleep.
(knock at door) Sorry, is this not a convenient time? Always and at all times I'm here to soothe, to bathe, to listen to the workers' woes.
Now, do I sense a woe? I sense I do.
- Well, yeah, I am a bit worried, to be honest.
- Yeah, yeah, well, I would be, if I were you.
- Why? What do you mean? - Nothing, just carry on.
Right.
It's just I'm not sure What did you mean by that? - Just ignore me.
- Right.
It's just I'm not quite sure what I should do.
- About last night? - You know about last night? 0h, Caroline, Caroline, Caroline - What? - 0h, Caroline Can you stop saying my name? Do you know about last night? - I'm sure everybody knows.
- God, then it's a disaster.
- Then I'm sure nobody knows.
- You know.
Yes, well, of course I know everything - that's my job.
But how? What's that? You heard by carrier pigeon? - No, smoke signals.
- 0h.
What does yours say? '"Smoking lowers the sperm count.
'" '"May cause miscarriage.
'" 0h, you get all the gossip and then you pass it on.
I could report you for meddling.
Meddling? Meddling? How dare you! -Take that back.
- No.
- Take it back.
- No.
If I've got to stand up, things are gonna kick off here.
I can stand up quicker than you.
I could put a spell on you.
- What? - Nothing.
- You said you could put a spell on me.
- No, I didn't.
Are you mad? Now out.
- Did you just put a spell on me? - No.
Well, don't, because I'm a doctor, remember? A doctor.
(cackles ) 0h, well, I don't know, I've had some steamy sessions in my time 0h, can I just stop you there? If you're about to claim sexual relations with Dr Todd, I know you didn't.
You know, do you? How? I had a heart-to-heart with Caroline, that's how I know.
- She's only been here a day.
- Women are like that.
We bond easily.
- 0oh, that's working for me, that image.
- You don't stand a chance with Dr Todd.
She's looking for caring, sharing, understanding.
She wants the one.
The one what? The one freelance anaesthetist with his own pied-Ã -terres in Zermatt and Nice? - Way out of your league.
- No one is immune to my charm, Ange.
And now I know what she wants, thanks to you, I can give it to her.
That's just it.
You're not capable.
We shall see.
0ut of interest, what does long-term mean to you? It's an airport car park.
- Monogamy? - Nice, dark sort of wood.
Sideboards.
- What is the '"C'" word? - Unt.
- Well, did I pass? - Spectacularly.
Yes! - Hufflepuff.
- 0oh, bad luck.
I'm Gryffindor.
- Very chuffed.
- That makes two of us in Gryffindor.
- I'm Wimbletink.
- What? - Spumptybum.
Niffyniffniff.
- They're not houses at Hogwarts.
- What? - It's the Sorting Hat.
- Harry Potter website? - 0h, yeah, my neighbour made me do that.
- What did you come out as? - Erm, Slytherin it was called.
- Is that bad? I haven't read the book.
- It's really bad.
It's where the most evil wizards and witches have come from.
It's the worst house there is.
- Can I change it? - No.
The decision of the Sorting Hat is final.
You cannot go again.
- I don't want to be in Slytherin.
- Well, it's too late for that.
Careful! - Could be a Slytherin trick.
- You never can tell.
- 0h, I hadn't thought of that.
- Hmm.
- There you are.
- 0h, yes, here I am.
An anaesthetist in the anaesthetists' room.
Ta-dah! Have you been missing me? Everybody in this hospital knows where I was last night.
- You weren't supposed to tell anybody! - It wasn't me! You sure? You know how one boast leads to another.
You are very, very irritating.
Yes, you.
Know what you should do with an irritation? You should rub it with cream.
- I think I'd prefer to scratch it very hard.
- It won't get any better.
I want you to sign this.
'"I hereby declare Dr Caroline Todd was given the sole use of my bedroom last night, whilst I, myself, spent the entire night on the sofa.
'" This would leave my reputation in tatters.
- And what about my reputation? - Enhanced.
You ensnared the legendary Guy Secretan on day one.
How cool is that? I'm not signing it.
Well, that's a shame, because I think I know something I shouldn't about you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I just stumbled on the information.
- What do you know? - I understand why you're embarrassed.
0h, God, you've been talking to Sue White, haven't you? Er, well, I have, yes.
0h, brilliant! She can't keep her fat mouth shut! No, that's a bit harsh.
I'd say she's got quite a thin mouth, sort of like that.
(Scottish accent) '"Hello.
Would you like a sicky sweet?'" Yeah, well, listen, we had the very briefest of encounters.
Any stories she may be spreading Well, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
- Did you screw her? - Yeah, well, yes.
I called it a day.
0ne day, one night.
Ugh.
And any of that bollocks about what she did to me and how I really enjoyed it, all that anal penetration shit, you can take all that with a huge pinch of salt.
- You didn't! - Huh, didn't I? - That's not what I thought I knew.
- What? Not the Sue White thing? No.
I only had some frankly rather weak stuff regarding your middle name.
No, definitely didn't know the Sue White thing.
Ah.
- I do now though.
- Yeah.
- What a lot of things I know.
- Yes, indeed.
- I'm a walking encyclopaedia.
- Yeah.
Right, pen.
I need a pen.
- This is really childish.
- I am much younger than I look.
D'you want me to sign it here or here? I'm signing, I'm signing.
Look, watch, see how I sign.
0h, signy, signy, sign, sign.
I've signed it.
- Take it.
- Give me the pen! You can have the pen.
Wait, one sec, watch.
You, er, you wanted to see me? 0h, yes, of course, silly me.
I got lost in your eyes there for a minute.
- Now then, now then, Dr Mac.
- Yes, yes.
Now, I see I've got something of a delicate nature to discuss with you.
- Right.
- Before I start, I want to make it clear that I do not agree with or support what I'm about to say, but the powers that be have issued a memo, and it falls to me to pass on that information.
- I see.
- It's about your hair.
Yeah.
What about my hair? They think it's too long.
I, on the other hand, don't think it's long enough.
I imagine a woman can only just hang onto it.
- May I? - May you what? Aaargh! - Actually that, erm, that quite hurts.
- 0h, I am sorry.
Sorry about that.
- So what do they suggest that I do? - Cut it, you know, for hygiene.
Well, you know, I was thinking that perhaps I could give it a trim.
Agh! No, no, no, no, no.
0K.
Shall we leave that to the professionals? - Yeah, well, as you wish.
- Is that all? - For now.
- 0K.
0K.
I'll, erm, I'll see you later, yeah.
The lion's mane He truly is the king of the beasts.
- That is fantastic.
- Thanks very much.
- No, not that, that's just weird.
This.
- What? - That.
It.
- Wow.
- What would make someone do that? - I don't know.
- It's unbelievable.
- Amazing.
80 quid for a cello.
- I'm tempted to ring myself.
- No, no, not that.
This.
Look.
'"To whom it does not concern'" Signed by Guy down the bottom there, see? 0h, wow, that's brilliant news! That is great news.
- She must have forced him.
- Yes! Good for Caroline.
She's powerful in her own way, d'you know what I mean? She's she is strong, yet she's sort of, I don't know, somehow kind of feminine.
Steady on.
The bastards still say that I mistreated the fabric of the course.
That club equipment was damaged - not true.
And that I broke the basic etiquette of golf.
And the point is A: they have no bloody proof it was me! B: no idea if I drove the buggy willingly.
I could have been forced at gunpoint.
And C: since when is an ornamental squirrel part of the fabric of the course?! - Calm down.
- It doesn't do any good, but She's blowing up like a bloody balloon! 0h, yeah.
I thought she was having a nightmare.
She is having a bloody nightmare, with you as her anaesthetist.
- So, do I call you Caroline or? - Most people do.
Apart from patients and my parents.
They call me Dr Todd.
- My name's Martin.
- I know.
You know? - It says so on your little badge.
Martin Dear.
- 0h, right.
Yeah.
So, any nicknames I should know about? - No, well - What? - No, just at school.
Not any more.
- School nicknames are great.
Go on, tell me.
It's just, well, my name's Martin, as you know, and, erm, well, at school they used to call me Chuzzlewit cos they said I looked Dickensian.
And Chuzzlewit became Chuzzletit.
And, er, Chuzzletit got shortened to just Tit.
And then that got lengthened again to Titbrain.
Erm, yes.
It wasn't derogatory or anything, it's just a literary reference to Dickens.
- You were called Titbrain? - Hmm, but in an affectionate kind of way.
They loved me, you know.
It was just, '"Hey, Titbrain,'" you know.
It's just, it's not - Have you got alarms and stuff? - 0f course, but I never use them.
If you do, all you get is '"Bleep, bleep'".
It's a pain in the arse.
- Maybe you should turn 'em on, for a laugh.
- 0h, all right.
(intermittent bleeping) See, a complete pain in the arse.
You are very fortunate to be in the skilled hands of Dr Secretan today.
He's an extremely professional man and not, in fact, a reckless tit-end.
She's fine.
Actually, she's a bit of a babe, this one.
Not my type.
I prefer the ones without a big gash across the abdomen.
And that is why you are no good at relationships.
- Excuse me? - You heard.
Hello? Have you ever had a relationship? I managed six years.
Your best is six hours.
A little bit unfair.
Sometimes they get tea in the morning.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and Boyce.
We're going to look at the diagnostic benefits afforded us by the use of barium.
I have here some before-and-after pictures.
Here is an image of the lower intestine of a 48-year-old woman.
Let's call her Patient X.
(under breath ) Boring.
You find the use of barium boring, do you, Mr Boyce? Not at all, just your choice of name.
Patient X.
I think it would be really helpful if we gave her a proper name.
All right, everybody, shall we make it easier for Mr Boyce? Let's give our lovely patient here a name.
What's it to be? Miriam? Delilah? What is it? - Can we call her Joanna? - (sniggering) - No.
- Why not? - Because we can't.
- Why can't we? - Because I say so.
- It's a nice name.
Yes, it's a beautiful name, and that is why it is inappropriate.
- Why? - It doesn't look like Joanna Any Joanna! I think it does.
Yeah, definitely.
Let's put it to the vote, 0K? Who here thinks we should call her Joanna? - Yeah.
- Yes, sir.
All right, we'll call her Joanna.
In the second image after the introduction of the barium - Does Joanna take it up the bottom? - What? The barium? Well, yes, it is a barium enema, in this case.
In some cases it would be a meal, but more usually an enema.
- So she takes it orally as well, does she? - Yes, but as I say, this is an enema.
- Joanna takes it up the bottom - Stop that.
Stop it! - I'm just taking notes.
You said we should.
- You never took any bloody notes before! So why are you taking them now?! Well, I just thought it was particularly important.
- What are you doing, Dr Statham? - There was a fly, and now it's gone.
Can I, er, can I have a word? Yes.
Erm, excuse me.
- They were teasing you.
- Teasing me, were they? - The cardiac unit wants to see you.
- Why? I've not been there this week.
When they saw an email with a big attachment, they thought it was the details of a donor heart.
- Yeah, so? - So what they actually received was a 3-megabyte photo of a yoghurt and the words '"Hands 0ff'".
Well, they sent me a caustic e-mail, so what do they expect? You do realise that a man has died because of your e-mail? You're jok How? When? It stopped details of the real heart coming through on time.
Fucking hell! What, I've killed someone? - Really, have I killed someone? Tell me.
- Ye N ye N ye n Have I killed someone? Yes or no? Y n ye N ye n Guy, tell me, did I kill someone? Ye n ye n Did? Did I kill someone or not? Ye N Guy! Have I Guy, tell the truth, yes or no? - Radio 3.
- I'm not sure this is an appropriate moment.
There might be a concerto in B minor or a little fugue just waiting for us to tune in.
No, it's too hard, it's too hard.
Well, I can't feel anything now.
Yes, oh, yes, I can I can hear Bartók's music for strings, percussion and - No, no, no, it's Puccini.
- Puccini.
Don't join in! 0h, I'm losing reception now.
(continues humming) Not the lips.
- (knock at door) - Yes.
0h, my goodness! It's not fair.
Lots to do, lots to do.
I read an interesting item on the board.
- What, '"Cello for sale'"? - No, no, no.
Underneath that, actually.
Something about you sleeping on a sofa.
Don't believe everything you read on boards, mate.
- I do.
- Mate! In that case, I'm forced to believe Pus In Boots The Chemist will be hilarious and a bargain at £5 a ticket.
- B-b-but I'm going to see that actually.
- '"B-b-but'" that doesn't surprise me.
Yeah, well.
It doesn't surprise me either, Valerie.
Grow up.
- He's really hurting inside, isn't he? - Mm.
- I spoke to Holly yesterday.
- 0h, yeah.
Holly who? - You spent 6 years with her.
Sends her love.
- Really? What am I meant to do with that? - Accept it as a friend.
- She's your friend.
- She can be your friend.
- Whatever.
Come on, Mac, don't throw the baby out with the bath 0h - No, beautiful.
Lovely turn of phrase.
- Hideous turn of phrase.
You've got to put this behind you.
It was a hard decision for her.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- She had some other news.
What? Did she mow down 50 people with a machine gun cos they were standing in the way of her career? It's not out of character, but I expect it was a hard decision.
- She's getting married.
- Really? 0w! - 0w! Is that painful? - No.
- You all right? - Yes.
- Are you sure about that? - Yes.
Uhh Just to let you know, that new Dr Todd is quite something.
D'you know what? You come in here every week with your sordid little tales, but I know whatever you're doing, whoever you're doing, it's my face you see before you.
- (sniggers ) - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because you see, I was the one that broke you first.
Wasn't I? - And you just can't get me out of your head.
- That is - Yeah.
That is - (carries on singing) Hah! Can I have a quick word? '"Zoom'" and '"whoosh'" - there you are: quick words.
Words that are quick.
- 0h, I get it.
- Got it? Yeah, very, very good.
Go on.
I won't confuse you this time.
0K.
I just want to say that, despite signed confessions, some people still have the wrong idea.
So, to clarify, I did stay at Guy's, but nothing happened.
I was going to book into a hotel Can I stop you there? So, if anybody mentions it, I'd be grateful if you'd put them straight? - Nothing to do with me.
- If anybody does mention it - Why do you think I'm interested? - I never said you'd be - So why bore me with all the details? - Don't be so bloody rude! I'm not interested in your personal life.
If that offends you, then I apologise.
Staff at your previous hospital might have found you totally fascinating.
I don't.
- That's an increase in rudeness.
- I hope nobody gossips about me, - cos I'd hate to be the centre of attention.
- That's not fair! I don't care.
I'm sick of hearing about you and Guy's night of passion or non-passion.
- So people have been talking.
- Yeah, and not concentrating.
Do your job.
Keep your personal life personal, allow my staff to concentrate on their work.
There's enough soap operas set in hospitals.
What? I don't need this.
You're the drama queen if anyone is.
Shit! Shit, shit, shit! - 0h, God! - (Rachel) Calm down.
0h, I can't look.
I know I should be picking someone up or dropping someone off.
0K.
0h, deep breath, no need to panic.
Right, 0scar is with the nanny until four o'clock, and then he's - Getting collected by Ian.
- 0K.
Great.
Right, now, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie Erm.
0h - Tiny Tots.
- Tiny Tots! Right, 0K.
Robbie is, erm Well, Robbie is lost! I can't believe I've lost Robbie.
0h, my God! He'll be on here somewhere.
We'll find him.
Sometimes I lose track.
I can't believe I've lost Robbie! Yeah, we'll find him.
You're friends with Mac and Guy.
Who's the biggest scumbag? Guy.
Guy.
Guy.
Guy Guy.
Why Guy? He once ethically objected to resuscitating a woman with an A-cup.
- An egg cup? - No, an A cup.
Little puppies.
- '"No point in saving less than a handful.
'" - Dear God! - Hey, I'm glad I caught you.
- Speak of the devil.
- Me? - Yeah.
Apparently, it's not just me you've treated despicably.
You've got previous form.
- Erm - It now seems you're a deranged madman.
House-warming gift.
I know you've had a dreadful day and that I'm partly responsible.
I am deeply sorry, and I'll try and set the record straight, yeah? I'll see you whenever.
0h, and, Boyce, well done today.
You carry on like that, you'll make a topnotch doctor.
0oh, erm, as for my previous form, well, I think you know better than most that rumours aren't always to be believed Sssh.
And, you know, I think we've all made mistakes in the past, started a relationship with someone and then realised they're not to be trusted.
And at times I have been cruel, you know, I've lashed out, but it's because I was hurt.
And of that I'm guilty.
See you whenever.
He is, of course, good.
Very good.
- 0h, my God! - What, one for the boot fair? No, I've wanted one of these for ages.
I have hard toenails.
I think I mentioned it once in an anecdote about my mum.
He remembered.
He's better than good.
0h, I know I took three morning-after pills to try and flush him out, but it doesn't mean I don't love him, does it? He's just blinky.
Sort of: Bingo! Got the fucker! He's with the school therapist till five.
- It's fine.
Everyone's where they should be.
- Right, let's get the fuck out of here.
- (Caroline) This really is very kind of you.
- Well, it's on my way home, so - How did you get this place? - 0h, it's not mine, it's my brother's.
- Yeah, what does he do? - 0h, whatever he can get his hands on.
So, tell me what you know.
Well, erm, you just, I guess you plug it in and put your feet in here - No, no, about Guy.
- 0h, Guy.
- Erm, well, he's an anaesthetist.
- Yep.
- Er, his name's Swiss.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You see, what I really wanted to know is, is he the sort of doctor I should avoid? - Yes.
- Well, that was very definite, Martin.
Not much mulling it over.
No, well, I just meant on reflection, thinking about it, yeah, you should avoid him.
Well, he - I shouldn't say this cos he's a mate - but it's just that thinking about it, there are other doctors who work in in the hospital, erm who that who are nice, for you For you.
- Is English your first language? - Yeah, it is.
Why? - You have quite an exotic turn of phrase.
- 0h, thanks.
Well, I've travelled quite a lot.
- That'll be it then.
- I've been all over.
France, er, Boulogne, Paris Yeah, it might be time to travel now, homewards.
0h, 0K.
Thanks for the help.
- Are you all right? - Hmm? Yeah.
Yeah.
- You seem a bit edgy.
- Well, no.
Yes.
Well, erm, actually, erm Erm, I would just like to say, take this opportunity to say a few special words, erm Joanna Yardley Clore, we've been intimately, you know, entangled now for some months, and, let's be honest, it's become more than just a, you know Especially for me.
You may not be the youngest or even the prettiest lady in the hospital, but nevertheless, er, in this age of casual chlamydia and so forth, it seems a rather old-fashioned notion.
And that's why, erm, I'd like to say those three special words: I - .
.
love you.
Erm, and I want people to say, '"Look, oh, look, there goes that lovely, lovely couple.
'" '"They must be so terribly (splutters ) .
.
in love.
'" There, I've said it.
What do you think? Can we turn the music up? - Try lowering your sights.
- How do you mean? - Try God-botherers.
- Women who smell of biscuits.
- Yeah, lollipop ladies.
- But I don't want a woman like that.
If only we could somehow give you a bit of Guy's natural prowess with women.
Maybe a pheromone transplant.
You know how the Vikings got their powers from hallucinogenic mushrooms? - So? - So, the senior Vikings ate the mushrooms, then the next level down drank their urine, which contained the active substances, - and so on down the line.
- You saying what I think you are? - What? - You can't do that.
- Tell me.
- Well, Guy has a natural ability with women.
There's something in him which makes him attractive to them, so - So? - So the Vikings, remember? What, I drink your urine and become a Viking? 0h, I get a girlfriend.
Drink my pee, pull like me.
Yeah, all right.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Right.
- Cool.
- You evil bitch! You've gotta watch out for him - he's after your man.
- (cat meows ) - 0h! 0h, my God! Where did where did you come 0h, shit! Right, I'm off to bag me a woman.
- That wasn't really your urine? - 0f course not.
- Phew, thank goodness.
- Got it from the Path Lab.
Corpse juice.
Mmm.
- You know the rules? - I know the rules.
End and back.
No hands.
(American accent) Hey, Mr Boyce, are you familiar with the name Jimmy the Yoghurt? And shimmy.
0n your marks, get set I'm Darcey Bussell! You little chicken dhansak! Natasha Cohn
And smile.
Welcome to the lunatic asylum.
Hm? (barking) Guy Secretan.
It's Swiss.
- Where will you sleep tonight? - I'm working on it.
There'll be a hotel.
Is Aphrodite in for her Apollo? - Martin's having a wank in the cupboard! - I'm not.
I'm not.
I am in a strange man's flat who may be a psychopath, and I've done the biggest monster that won't go down! - It won't go any further.
- I think I'm going to have to kill you.
0oh! - (man ) Joanna? - No.
- Joanna? - No.
Joanna, why? Why do we go through this rigmarole every time? It's ludicrous.
Because they're the rules, Alan.
I can't possibly be seen with you.
Now get out.
- It's ridiculous.
- Come on, get out, out! All right, I'm getting out.
Come in through the nurses' wing.
And, for Christ's sake, try to look normal! Alan! - Wig! - Yes, I know.
Christ! - What? - I wasn't at your flat last night, 0K? - 0K.
And nothing happened.
- No, nothing did happen.
- Well, you say so - Yeah, I do.
I say so because it is, in fact, a statement of fact! Hey, I may be many things, but not being indiscreet isn't one of them.
- 0h, shit! We can't possibly get out here.
- Why not? Well, because they you I, erm I don't know what any of these buttons do.
- 0h, right.
Well, this is the - No, you go on in, I'll just check it out.
0h, shit! 0h! (horn beeping) - Stop.
Shut up! Shut up! (beeps horn ) Yeah, when you're quite ready, love! Go back.
And slow down.
Yes, right.
- And fuck off! - Right, yeah.
She's my secret lover, the lady over there.
(song continues ) Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Yes, I stayed at Dr Secretan's flat on my very first night here but, no, we did not have sex.
All right? Good morning, ladies.
Wow! 0h, what a night! (car lock beeps ) - Hiya.
You two come together? - Are you mad? I'm a doctor.
- So did you catch your prey? - Can't say.
- Why? - She told me not to divulge details.
- So you did catch her? - I've been sworn to secrecy.
- By whom? - By Caroline Todd.
0h, damn! - No! - You bastard! You're too smart for me.
- You didn't? - 0h, no.
- Now you'll tell everyone.
- No, I promise I won't.
- Why not? - Because Caroline wouldn't want me to.
- So? - So you've got to respect her feelings.
- Why? - Well, because Caroline - Because you have.
- 0h, I see.
- You think she's lovely.
- I don't.
- She's the woman of your dreams.
- Shut up.
Yeah, well, dream on, mate, cos she's hooked.
Hooked, played and safely in the landing net.
She's only human after all.
0h, erm, morning, Dr Secretan, isn't it? - Yes.
Good morning, Dr Plodd? - Todd.
Todd.
Yes, how are you since I last saw you yesterday afternoon? I'm fine.
Yes, thank you very much for asking.
- Erm, did you sleep well? - Yes, like a log.
0h, the loo's completely clear now, by the way.
- What loo? - Yeah, what loo? The disabled toilet next to the Was that you, or was that somebody else? It wasn't me.
How's the liaising going? Hmm, it's all right, yeah.
Anything I should know about? Ah, revision.
- No, it's a note, and it's quite hard.
- Suicide note? - No! - Shame.
It's a note to the cleaners about my yoghurt.
0h, really? 0h, tell me about it.
- Well, I always put the yoghurt in the - (snores ) What's the problem? I hide the yoghurt in the Perspex drawer at the bottom of the fridge.
They move it to the top drawer where the milk and ordinary yoghurt is.
- Bastards! - Yours isn't ordinary? No, it's soya.
0akwood Farm fruits of the forest natural live yoghurt.
- What's wrong with the note? - Is it too friendly? Will they think I'm taking the piss with '"Dear Cleaners'"? - Do you speak to them? - Not really.
I just go, '"Urh'", and they sort of go, '"Urh'".
That's relaxed.
What about '"Hi, there'".
- What about '"To the useless shitheads'"? - No, you got to keep them on your side.
Just put '"Dear Cleaners'" and hope they don't take it as a sexual advance.
0K.
- Shit! - What? - Now I've underlined the word '"please'".
- 0h, no.
'"Please leave'" Ah, you sound really angry now.
They'll probably piss in my yoghurt, like in that restaurant.
- Which restaurant? - Erm, there was no restaurant.
- They won't piss in your yoghurt, Martin.
- You sure? It's too obvious.
Much easier to hide little bits of shit and glue the top back on.
Thanks, Guy(!) - Never guess he was sweet deep down.
- No, he's not.
He must be in touch with his feminine side - his middle name is Valerie.
- His middle name's not Valerie! - 0h, yes, it is.
Mac told me.
0h, brilliant.
0h, yes, roll on lunch time.
Girls' names gags-a-gogo.
Valerie.
Valerie.
(knocks at door) In-tray.
- Funny.
- Dr Macartney, take a seat.
- I'd rather stand.
- I'd rather you sat.
Surely it's my choice if I sit or stand.
- Not on this occasion, no.
Please be seated.
- No, thank you.
What do you want? This is my office.
Please be seated for our discussion.
Being at the same eye level creates easy-flowing conversation.
- Hmm, you could stand if you want.
- You sit.
- You stand.
- You sit! - You stand.
- I will not be Thank Right, now I wanted to have a discussion with you about your review with the board next week.
This isn't This is the kind of behaviour that they will not tolerate.
- Now, will you be sit! - No.
Look, this kind of insubordination is precisely the reason you were overlooked for promotion last Wednesday.
As a result, get out! I'll discuss this with you later, when you're less - Handsome? - No, less - Charming? - Less sitting.
Get out! Thank you.
- You can sit now, if you - I will not! 0K.
Shred these before Joanna sees them.
How are things going with Tim? Well, it's just I was with him last night.
Thing is, he said I had a furry face.
- That can't be a good thing, can it? - No, I guess not.
(sobs ) Damn my furry face! 0h, don't worry, you'll find someone else.
Besides, your face is not that furry.
I can't see it.
- Touch it.
- No.
I need another perspective.
I'd have said downy, never furry.
Thanks.
Downy.
Late again, Harriet.
- Is the lost-property box here? - Looking for your wee tinkle? - What's a tinkle? - All in good time, little man.
Mmm.
Erm, has anybody handed in any yoghurt? - In a pot? - Yeah.
No.
It's just that I've had trouble with my yoghurt because it keeps getting moved.
It's now missing.
It was stolen.
Whoa, back up there, Columbo! Calling me a thief? - No.
No.
- Well, I hope not.
Careful, careful, careful.
Just, has anyone handed in any food at all? A satsuma, two Curly Wurlys and some kind of Bombay mix, which is far spicier than I really like it, you know.
Much too, er, hot.
Hmm.
Could you have maybe eaten it by mistake? (under breath ) No.
Well, I'll let myself out.
0h, God, what a night! - You all right? - Yeah, just a bit stiff.
- A few aching Probably a groin strain.
- 0h, yeah.
- 0h, and an aching tongue.
- I can't have my staff working like that.
- Your staff? - Yeah, my staff.
I am the surgeon, you are my anaesthetist.
I'm not your anaesthetist.
You're my surgeon.
You're my surgeon bitch.
No, you create the environment in which I can do my job.
- Cut her open, bitch.
- Gas her, fucker.
- Sew it up, gimp.
- You are part of my team.
- I'm not! - You are part of my fucking team.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - You are.
- You're part of my anus! - You are like the unprofessional copilot that causes an aeroplane disaster because he has no real sense of his true position - how you owe me respect by being part of my team.
- I am the captain, you are the first officer.
- No, you're the trolley dolly.
- I bet you I'm the captain.
- I bet you I am.
I bet you don't even know where the cockpit is.
Let's make it fair.
Whoever gets the newest member of the team to spend the night at their place is captain.
- Why? - You're too late, I win! Why? - You're the baby, I'm the placenta.
- Sorry, more nuts, please.
Yeah, well, you can't use mine, cos they're all - I'm trying to fly.
- They're squeezed out.
- I'm trying to fly my plane.
Clean the toilet.
- They've been I have been using my nuts.
Get in! - Have you? - Yeah.
All night! - Good day.
- We're all part of his team, apparently.
Thank you.
Everything should be straightforward this morning, except the bits that are straight backward.
A few ground rules: no bombing, no running, no petting, no diving, no inflatables.
In fact, leave all swimming-related activities until later as this is an operating theatre.
Perhaps we should have badges made up: '"Mac's Team'".
I forgot to tell you, we have one nonswimmer joining us.
Dr Secretan.
Welcome to him.
0K, let's go.
See if we can find this - I'm an excellent swimmer.
- Yup.
Guy, we have moved on.
Yeah.
I can swim two miles easy, no problemo.
I can do the butterfly, the hardest style, and I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
Probably very handy for a bed-wetter.
Yeah, all I'm saying is that I am a first-class swimmer, superb, and on a scale of one to ten, I'd be an eight, probably shading a nine.
I think you should calm down cos I was only playing, my insecure little friend.
Yeah, actually I'm not insecure.
I'm very secure.
Very, very secure.
The Man From Atlantis: that's what they used to call me at my swimming club.
- You finding your way? It's hard being new.
- God, yes, isn't it awful? Did you feel like you were walking around with a neon sign saying '"Clueless twat'"? No.
No, I meant finding your way around.
It's hard to get your bearings.
Poor you.
It hasn't helped half the hospital assuming I slept with the first man I saw.
- I know, hideous.
- Which I didn't, as it happens.
And that's quite good for me because I haven't had any in some time.
I could easily have been persuaded to have rough sex up against a wall or, in fact, any hard surface, between you and me.
Grief! No! 0h, no, not with you.
No, I didn't mean between you and me like in a literal sense.
I meant between me and men.
Man! 0ne man.
Yeah, I know.
Let's see if we can save this young lady's life, despite Johnny Weissmuller.
He can't swim.
I'll just leave this here for a passing diabetic.
Aren't you going to eat that? Yes, yes, I'm just going to use it for a bit of juggling practice first.
They love it in the children's ward.
Swimming.
Missing you already.
Morning, Dr Statham.
Morning, Mark.
Erm, I wondered if I could just pick your brains for a minute? - Can't it wait? - Well, I've got some students later on, and I just wanted to run something past you, as it were.
Almost literally.
Yeah? Does my coat sweep when I go round a corner? - Pardon? - Does my coat, when I walk, does it sweep? Sweep? You know.
Does it sort of float out the back when I go round with a sense of contained urgency, yet stylish élan? I'll tell you what, Alan, go back to where you came from and try walking with a sense of, erm, what was it? - Contained urgency, yet stylish élan.
- Yeah, and I'll watch and say what I think.
- Good, good.
You wouldn't mind? - No, no, not at all.
- 0h, quick, you're wanted, Doctor.
- Ah.
I'll straight Er, this way.
- Arse! - No, no.
- 0h, my goodness! - Tit! - Disappointed.
- What? What? - How are you today? - Fine.
- Good.
Any aches, groin strains? - Stop right there.
Come back here.
- Stop right there, come back here, which? - Can I say one thing? I don't know what you're talking about, and always check your facts.
Good day.
That's two things.
Three, if you count the valedictory flourish.
I think I hit a bit of a nerve.
Can I go and cut people up now? - Yes.
- Excellent.
Try and get some sleep.
(knock at door) Sorry, is this not a convenient time? Always and at all times I'm here to soothe, to bathe, to listen to the workers' woes.
Now, do I sense a woe? I sense I do.
- Well, yeah, I am a bit worried, to be honest.
- Yeah, yeah, well, I would be, if I were you.
- Why? What do you mean? - Nothing, just carry on.
Right.
It's just I'm not sure What did you mean by that? - Just ignore me.
- Right.
It's just I'm not quite sure what I should do.
- About last night? - You know about last night? 0h, Caroline, Caroline, Caroline - What? - 0h, Caroline Can you stop saying my name? Do you know about last night? - I'm sure everybody knows.
- God, then it's a disaster.
- Then I'm sure nobody knows.
- You know.
Yes, well, of course I know everything - that's my job.
But how? What's that? You heard by carrier pigeon? - No, smoke signals.
- 0h.
What does yours say? '"Smoking lowers the sperm count.
'" '"May cause miscarriage.
'" 0h, you get all the gossip and then you pass it on.
I could report you for meddling.
Meddling? Meddling? How dare you! -Take that back.
- No.
- Take it back.
- No.
If I've got to stand up, things are gonna kick off here.
I can stand up quicker than you.
I could put a spell on you.
- What? - Nothing.
- You said you could put a spell on me.
- No, I didn't.
Are you mad? Now out.
- Did you just put a spell on me? - No.
Well, don't, because I'm a doctor, remember? A doctor.
(cackles ) 0h, well, I don't know, I've had some steamy sessions in my time 0h, can I just stop you there? If you're about to claim sexual relations with Dr Todd, I know you didn't.
You know, do you? How? I had a heart-to-heart with Caroline, that's how I know.
- She's only been here a day.
- Women are like that.
We bond easily.
- 0oh, that's working for me, that image.
- You don't stand a chance with Dr Todd.
She's looking for caring, sharing, understanding.
She wants the one.
The one what? The one freelance anaesthetist with his own pied-Ã -terres in Zermatt and Nice? - Way out of your league.
- No one is immune to my charm, Ange.
And now I know what she wants, thanks to you, I can give it to her.
That's just it.
You're not capable.
We shall see.
0ut of interest, what does long-term mean to you? It's an airport car park.
- Monogamy? - Nice, dark sort of wood.
Sideboards.
- What is the '"C'" word? - Unt.
- Well, did I pass? - Spectacularly.
Yes! - Hufflepuff.
- 0oh, bad luck.
I'm Gryffindor.
- Very chuffed.
- That makes two of us in Gryffindor.
- I'm Wimbletink.
- What? - Spumptybum.
Niffyniffniff.
- They're not houses at Hogwarts.
- What? - It's the Sorting Hat.
- Harry Potter website? - 0h, yeah, my neighbour made me do that.
- What did you come out as? - Erm, Slytherin it was called.
- Is that bad? I haven't read the book.
- It's really bad.
It's where the most evil wizards and witches have come from.
It's the worst house there is.
- Can I change it? - No.
The decision of the Sorting Hat is final.
You cannot go again.
- I don't want to be in Slytherin.
- Well, it's too late for that.
Careful! - Could be a Slytherin trick.
- You never can tell.
- 0h, I hadn't thought of that.
- Hmm.
- There you are.
- 0h, yes, here I am.
An anaesthetist in the anaesthetists' room.
Ta-dah! Have you been missing me? Everybody in this hospital knows where I was last night.
- You weren't supposed to tell anybody! - It wasn't me! You sure? You know how one boast leads to another.
You are very, very irritating.
Yes, you.
Know what you should do with an irritation? You should rub it with cream.
- I think I'd prefer to scratch it very hard.
- It won't get any better.
I want you to sign this.
'"I hereby declare Dr Caroline Todd was given the sole use of my bedroom last night, whilst I, myself, spent the entire night on the sofa.
'" This would leave my reputation in tatters.
- And what about my reputation? - Enhanced.
You ensnared the legendary Guy Secretan on day one.
How cool is that? I'm not signing it.
Well, that's a shame, because I think I know something I shouldn't about you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I just stumbled on the information.
- What do you know? - I understand why you're embarrassed.
0h, God, you've been talking to Sue White, haven't you? Er, well, I have, yes.
0h, brilliant! She can't keep her fat mouth shut! No, that's a bit harsh.
I'd say she's got quite a thin mouth, sort of like that.
(Scottish accent) '"Hello.
Would you like a sicky sweet?'" Yeah, well, listen, we had the very briefest of encounters.
Any stories she may be spreading Well, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
- Did you screw her? - Yeah, well, yes.
I called it a day.
0ne day, one night.
Ugh.
And any of that bollocks about what she did to me and how I really enjoyed it, all that anal penetration shit, you can take all that with a huge pinch of salt.
- You didn't! - Huh, didn't I? - That's not what I thought I knew.
- What? Not the Sue White thing? No.
I only had some frankly rather weak stuff regarding your middle name.
No, definitely didn't know the Sue White thing.
Ah.
- I do now though.
- Yeah.
- What a lot of things I know.
- Yes, indeed.
- I'm a walking encyclopaedia.
- Yeah.
Right, pen.
I need a pen.
- This is really childish.
- I am much younger than I look.
D'you want me to sign it here or here? I'm signing, I'm signing.
Look, watch, see how I sign.
0h, signy, signy, sign, sign.
I've signed it.
- Take it.
- Give me the pen! You can have the pen.
Wait, one sec, watch.
You, er, you wanted to see me? 0h, yes, of course, silly me.
I got lost in your eyes there for a minute.
- Now then, now then, Dr Mac.
- Yes, yes.
Now, I see I've got something of a delicate nature to discuss with you.
- Right.
- Before I start, I want to make it clear that I do not agree with or support what I'm about to say, but the powers that be have issued a memo, and it falls to me to pass on that information.
- I see.
- It's about your hair.
Yeah.
What about my hair? They think it's too long.
I, on the other hand, don't think it's long enough.
I imagine a woman can only just hang onto it.
- May I? - May you what? Aaargh! - Actually that, erm, that quite hurts.
- 0h, I am sorry.
Sorry about that.
- So what do they suggest that I do? - Cut it, you know, for hygiene.
Well, you know, I was thinking that perhaps I could give it a trim.
Agh! No, no, no, no, no.
0K.
Shall we leave that to the professionals? - Yeah, well, as you wish.
- Is that all? - For now.
- 0K.
0K.
I'll, erm, I'll see you later, yeah.
The lion's mane He truly is the king of the beasts.
- That is fantastic.
- Thanks very much.
- No, not that, that's just weird.
This.
- What? - That.
It.
- Wow.
- What would make someone do that? - I don't know.
- It's unbelievable.
- Amazing.
80 quid for a cello.
- I'm tempted to ring myself.
- No, no, not that.
This.
Look.
'"To whom it does not concern'" Signed by Guy down the bottom there, see? 0h, wow, that's brilliant news! That is great news.
- She must have forced him.
- Yes! Good for Caroline.
She's powerful in her own way, d'you know what I mean? She's she is strong, yet she's sort of, I don't know, somehow kind of feminine.
Steady on.
The bastards still say that I mistreated the fabric of the course.
That club equipment was damaged - not true.
And that I broke the basic etiquette of golf.
And the point is A: they have no bloody proof it was me! B: no idea if I drove the buggy willingly.
I could have been forced at gunpoint.
And C: since when is an ornamental squirrel part of the fabric of the course?! - Calm down.
- It doesn't do any good, but She's blowing up like a bloody balloon! 0h, yeah.
I thought she was having a nightmare.
She is having a bloody nightmare, with you as her anaesthetist.
- So, do I call you Caroline or? - Most people do.
Apart from patients and my parents.
They call me Dr Todd.
- My name's Martin.
- I know.
You know? - It says so on your little badge.
Martin Dear.
- 0h, right.
Yeah.
So, any nicknames I should know about? - No, well - What? - No, just at school.
Not any more.
- School nicknames are great.
Go on, tell me.
It's just, well, my name's Martin, as you know, and, erm, well, at school they used to call me Chuzzlewit cos they said I looked Dickensian.
And Chuzzlewit became Chuzzletit.
And, er, Chuzzletit got shortened to just Tit.
And then that got lengthened again to Titbrain.
Erm, yes.
It wasn't derogatory or anything, it's just a literary reference to Dickens.
- You were called Titbrain? - Hmm, but in an affectionate kind of way.
They loved me, you know.
It was just, '"Hey, Titbrain,'" you know.
It's just, it's not - Have you got alarms and stuff? - 0f course, but I never use them.
If you do, all you get is '"Bleep, bleep'".
It's a pain in the arse.
- Maybe you should turn 'em on, for a laugh.
- 0h, all right.
(intermittent bleeping) See, a complete pain in the arse.
You are very fortunate to be in the skilled hands of Dr Secretan today.
He's an extremely professional man and not, in fact, a reckless tit-end.
She's fine.
Actually, she's a bit of a babe, this one.
Not my type.
I prefer the ones without a big gash across the abdomen.
And that is why you are no good at relationships.
- Excuse me? - You heard.
Hello? Have you ever had a relationship? I managed six years.
Your best is six hours.
A little bit unfair.
Sometimes they get tea in the morning.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and Boyce.
We're going to look at the diagnostic benefits afforded us by the use of barium.
I have here some before-and-after pictures.
Here is an image of the lower intestine of a 48-year-old woman.
Let's call her Patient X.
(under breath ) Boring.
You find the use of barium boring, do you, Mr Boyce? Not at all, just your choice of name.
Patient X.
I think it would be really helpful if we gave her a proper name.
All right, everybody, shall we make it easier for Mr Boyce? Let's give our lovely patient here a name.
What's it to be? Miriam? Delilah? What is it? - Can we call her Joanna? - (sniggering) - No.
- Why not? - Because we can't.
- Why can't we? - Because I say so.
- It's a nice name.
Yes, it's a beautiful name, and that is why it is inappropriate.
- Why? - It doesn't look like Joanna Any Joanna! I think it does.
Yeah, definitely.
Let's put it to the vote, 0K? Who here thinks we should call her Joanna? - Yeah.
- Yes, sir.
All right, we'll call her Joanna.
In the second image after the introduction of the barium - Does Joanna take it up the bottom? - What? The barium? Well, yes, it is a barium enema, in this case.
In some cases it would be a meal, but more usually an enema.
- So she takes it orally as well, does she? - Yes, but as I say, this is an enema.
- Joanna takes it up the bottom - Stop that.
Stop it! - I'm just taking notes.
You said we should.
- You never took any bloody notes before! So why are you taking them now?! Well, I just thought it was particularly important.
- What are you doing, Dr Statham? - There was a fly, and now it's gone.
Can I, er, can I have a word? Yes.
Erm, excuse me.
- They were teasing you.
- Teasing me, were they? - The cardiac unit wants to see you.
- Why? I've not been there this week.
When they saw an email with a big attachment, they thought it was the details of a donor heart.
- Yeah, so? - So what they actually received was a 3-megabyte photo of a yoghurt and the words '"Hands 0ff'".
Well, they sent me a caustic e-mail, so what do they expect? You do realise that a man has died because of your e-mail? You're jok How? When? It stopped details of the real heart coming through on time.
Fucking hell! What, I've killed someone? - Really, have I killed someone? Tell me.
- Ye N ye N ye n Have I killed someone? Yes or no? Y n ye N ye n Guy, tell me, did I kill someone? Ye n ye n Did? Did I kill someone or not? Ye N Guy! Have I Guy, tell the truth, yes or no? - Radio 3.
- I'm not sure this is an appropriate moment.
There might be a concerto in B minor or a little fugue just waiting for us to tune in.
No, it's too hard, it's too hard.
Well, I can't feel anything now.
Yes, oh, yes, I can I can hear Bartók's music for strings, percussion and - No, no, no, it's Puccini.
- Puccini.
Don't join in! 0h, I'm losing reception now.
(continues humming) Not the lips.
- (knock at door) - Yes.
0h, my goodness! It's not fair.
Lots to do, lots to do.
I read an interesting item on the board.
- What, '"Cello for sale'"? - No, no, no.
Underneath that, actually.
Something about you sleeping on a sofa.
Don't believe everything you read on boards, mate.
- I do.
- Mate! In that case, I'm forced to believe Pus In Boots The Chemist will be hilarious and a bargain at £5 a ticket.
- B-b-but I'm going to see that actually.
- '"B-b-but'" that doesn't surprise me.
Yeah, well.
It doesn't surprise me either, Valerie.
Grow up.
- He's really hurting inside, isn't he? - Mm.
- I spoke to Holly yesterday.
- 0h, yeah.
Holly who? - You spent 6 years with her.
Sends her love.
- Really? What am I meant to do with that? - Accept it as a friend.
- She's your friend.
- She can be your friend.
- Whatever.
Come on, Mac, don't throw the baby out with the bath 0h - No, beautiful.
Lovely turn of phrase.
- Hideous turn of phrase.
You've got to put this behind you.
It was a hard decision for her.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- She had some other news.
What? Did she mow down 50 people with a machine gun cos they were standing in the way of her career? It's not out of character, but I expect it was a hard decision.
- She's getting married.
- Really? 0w! - 0w! Is that painful? - No.
- You all right? - Yes.
- Are you sure about that? - Yes.
Uhh Just to let you know, that new Dr Todd is quite something.
D'you know what? You come in here every week with your sordid little tales, but I know whatever you're doing, whoever you're doing, it's my face you see before you.
- (sniggers ) - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because you see, I was the one that broke you first.
Wasn't I? - And you just can't get me out of your head.
- That is - Yeah.
That is - (carries on singing) Hah! Can I have a quick word? '"Zoom'" and '"whoosh'" - there you are: quick words.
Words that are quick.
- 0h, I get it.
- Got it? Yeah, very, very good.
Go on.
I won't confuse you this time.
0K.
I just want to say that, despite signed confessions, some people still have the wrong idea.
So, to clarify, I did stay at Guy's, but nothing happened.
I was going to book into a hotel Can I stop you there? So, if anybody mentions it, I'd be grateful if you'd put them straight? - Nothing to do with me.
- If anybody does mention it - Why do you think I'm interested? - I never said you'd be - So why bore me with all the details? - Don't be so bloody rude! I'm not interested in your personal life.
If that offends you, then I apologise.
Staff at your previous hospital might have found you totally fascinating.
I don't.
- That's an increase in rudeness.
- I hope nobody gossips about me, - cos I'd hate to be the centre of attention.
- That's not fair! I don't care.
I'm sick of hearing about you and Guy's night of passion or non-passion.
- So people have been talking.
- Yeah, and not concentrating.
Do your job.
Keep your personal life personal, allow my staff to concentrate on their work.
There's enough soap operas set in hospitals.
What? I don't need this.
You're the drama queen if anyone is.
Shit! Shit, shit, shit! - 0h, God! - (Rachel) Calm down.
0h, I can't look.
I know I should be picking someone up or dropping someone off.
0K.
0h, deep breath, no need to panic.
Right, 0scar is with the nanny until four o'clock, and then he's - Getting collected by Ian.
- 0K.
Great.
Right, now, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie Erm.
0h - Tiny Tots.
- Tiny Tots! Right, 0K.
Robbie is, erm Well, Robbie is lost! I can't believe I've lost Robbie.
0h, my God! He'll be on here somewhere.
We'll find him.
Sometimes I lose track.
I can't believe I've lost Robbie! Yeah, we'll find him.
You're friends with Mac and Guy.
Who's the biggest scumbag? Guy.
Guy.
Guy.
Guy Guy.
Why Guy? He once ethically objected to resuscitating a woman with an A-cup.
- An egg cup? - No, an A cup.
Little puppies.
- '"No point in saving less than a handful.
'" - Dear God! - Hey, I'm glad I caught you.
- Speak of the devil.
- Me? - Yeah.
Apparently, it's not just me you've treated despicably.
You've got previous form.
- Erm - It now seems you're a deranged madman.
House-warming gift.
I know you've had a dreadful day and that I'm partly responsible.
I am deeply sorry, and I'll try and set the record straight, yeah? I'll see you whenever.
0h, and, Boyce, well done today.
You carry on like that, you'll make a topnotch doctor.
0oh, erm, as for my previous form, well, I think you know better than most that rumours aren't always to be believed Sssh.
And, you know, I think we've all made mistakes in the past, started a relationship with someone and then realised they're not to be trusted.
And at times I have been cruel, you know, I've lashed out, but it's because I was hurt.
And of that I'm guilty.
See you whenever.
He is, of course, good.
Very good.
- 0h, my God! - What, one for the boot fair? No, I've wanted one of these for ages.
I have hard toenails.
I think I mentioned it once in an anecdote about my mum.
He remembered.
He's better than good.
0h, I know I took three morning-after pills to try and flush him out, but it doesn't mean I don't love him, does it? He's just blinky.
Sort of: Bingo! Got the fucker! He's with the school therapist till five.
- It's fine.
Everyone's where they should be.
- Right, let's get the fuck out of here.
- (Caroline) This really is very kind of you.
- Well, it's on my way home, so - How did you get this place? - 0h, it's not mine, it's my brother's.
- Yeah, what does he do? - 0h, whatever he can get his hands on.
So, tell me what you know.
Well, erm, you just, I guess you plug it in and put your feet in here - No, no, about Guy.
- 0h, Guy.
- Erm, well, he's an anaesthetist.
- Yep.
- Er, his name's Swiss.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
You see, what I really wanted to know is, is he the sort of doctor I should avoid? - Yes.
- Well, that was very definite, Martin.
Not much mulling it over.
No, well, I just meant on reflection, thinking about it, yeah, you should avoid him.
Well, he - I shouldn't say this cos he's a mate - but it's just that thinking about it, there are other doctors who work in in the hospital, erm who that who are nice, for you For you.
- Is English your first language? - Yeah, it is.
Why? - You have quite an exotic turn of phrase.
- 0h, thanks.
Well, I've travelled quite a lot.
- That'll be it then.
- I've been all over.
France, er, Boulogne, Paris Yeah, it might be time to travel now, homewards.
0h, 0K.
Thanks for the help.
- Are you all right? - Hmm? Yeah.
Yeah.
- You seem a bit edgy.
- Well, no.
Yes.
Well, erm, actually, erm Erm, I would just like to say, take this opportunity to say a few special words, erm Joanna Yardley Clore, we've been intimately, you know, entangled now for some months, and, let's be honest, it's become more than just a, you know Especially for me.
You may not be the youngest or even the prettiest lady in the hospital, but nevertheless, er, in this age of casual chlamydia and so forth, it seems a rather old-fashioned notion.
And that's why, erm, I'd like to say those three special words: I - .
.
love you.
Erm, and I want people to say, '"Look, oh, look, there goes that lovely, lovely couple.
'" '"They must be so terribly (splutters ) .
.
in love.
'" There, I've said it.
What do you think? Can we turn the music up? - Try lowering your sights.
- How do you mean? - Try God-botherers.
- Women who smell of biscuits.
- Yeah, lollipop ladies.
- But I don't want a woman like that.
If only we could somehow give you a bit of Guy's natural prowess with women.
Maybe a pheromone transplant.
You know how the Vikings got their powers from hallucinogenic mushrooms? - So? - So, the senior Vikings ate the mushrooms, then the next level down drank their urine, which contained the active substances, - and so on down the line.
- You saying what I think you are? - What? - You can't do that.
- Tell me.
- Well, Guy has a natural ability with women.
There's something in him which makes him attractive to them, so - So? - So the Vikings, remember? What, I drink your urine and become a Viking? 0h, I get a girlfriend.
Drink my pee, pull like me.
Yeah, all right.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Right.
- Cool.
- You evil bitch! You've gotta watch out for him - he's after your man.
- (cat meows ) - 0h! 0h, my God! Where did where did you come 0h, shit! Right, I'm off to bag me a woman.
- That wasn't really your urine? - 0f course not.
- Phew, thank goodness.
- Got it from the Path Lab.
Corpse juice.
Mmm.
- You know the rules? - I know the rules.
End and back.
No hands.
(American accent) Hey, Mr Boyce, are you familiar with the name Jimmy the Yoghurt? And shimmy.
0n your marks, get set I'm Darcey Bussell! You little chicken dhansak! Natasha Cohn