Grounded For Life (2001) s01e02 Episode Script

What are you kids doin'? Oh, we're building a fort.
Ever build a fort, grandpa? Absolutely.
We used to play cowboys and Indians.
Uh, that's when you were allowed to say "Indians.
" You're not allowed to say "Indians" anymore.
I'm not allowed to say "bite me.
" Watch your mouth.
Bite me, Indian.
Hey, watch your mouth.
Hey, are you ok? Where's Lily? We found the place.
No Lily.
Yeah, but the guy who runs the place, he's gonna remember the finnertys Every time he looks up to the wall and sees the spot where Danny aiello used to be.
You stole a photo of Danny aiello? It's a signed photo of Danny aiello.
I love this guy.
So no Lily.
That girl is in so much trouble.
She has stepped over the line this time.
I'm furious.
I'm beyond furious.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, dad.
How ya doin'? Hey, you look cute.
She is in so much trouble.
I just wish we could tell her.
All right, we really need to do something, because after what she's done What's Lily done? We don't know, but she's definitely gone too far this time.
Definitely.
Probably.
Almost certainly.
If we want to find out We're just gonna have to confront her.
So confront her.
Dad, we can't confront her.
I can't believe you're all scared of a teenage girl.
Look, dad, you just had to deal with boys.
You've never had to deal with a teenage girl.
They are terrifying.
They have 2 settings rage and screaming rage.
I know she's up to somethin'.
But what good does it do ya? You've got no evidence.
Nothin' you can use, anyway.
Will somebody please tell me what you're talkin' about? Ok, it was a good faith search for a stamp.
Hey, ed, you know where any stamps are? I don't live here.
Oh, that's right.
I just get confused, 'cause you're always on my couch eating my food.
It's an understandable mistake.
Lily! Lil, do you have any stamps? Lily? Hmm, stamps.
September 12, 1979? Fake I.
D.
? The teenager we know as Lily is also a 21-year-old named Lillian winterhaven.
An heiress, no doubt.
So what's she gonna do with this card? We don't know, but none of the possibilities are good.
So what the hell's she doin' with a fake I.
D.
Anyways? Maybe she wants to go to "r" rated movies.
We take her to "r" rated movies anyway.
Besides, you only have to be 17 to get into an "r" rated movie.
Miss winterhaven is 21.
Ok, just relax, Sean.
We had fake I.
D.
S, too.
Yeah, and do you remember what we did with them? Whoo! Law school is a bitch.
Whoo.
Sure is.
Hey, so, uh, what do we need? Uh Ugh.
Uh Do we need beer? Beer? Uh You know, maybe we should just get some in case.
Better safe than sorry.
All right, we'll take this and, uh Those condoms right there.
You got I.
D.
? Ha ha ha ha! Hee hee hee! Whoo, man, it's been a long time since someone asked me for that, yeah.
That is very flattering.
All right, Mr.
cousteau.
That'll be $26.
32.
You know, we'll just take the beer.
Where'd you find the I.
D.
, anyway? In her room.
What? Yeah, it was in her desk drawer.
Ohh.
It was an accident! This is not good.
I'm not followin' the big controversy.
He took the I.
D.
Out of her room.
Yeah? It's tainted evidence.
A parent cannot go into a teenage girl's bedroom, cannot go through her stuff.
Anything he finds is inadmissible.
Nothin' is inadmissible.
Just shove it in her face.
Ho ho! Dad, have you ever had a confrontation with a teenage girl? It's like being locked in the trunk of a car with a Wolverine.
They're emotional powder kegs, and by going into her bedroom, we lit the match.
Heads up.
Oh, yeah.
I don't get it.
What's the big deal about goin' into Lily's room? Oh, grandpa, don't go into Lily's room.
You will regret it.
Why are you trying to come in my room? I'm sleepwalking.
It's dangerous to wake me up.
Oh.
Well, when you wake up, remember this I'm in ninth grade.
They teach us chemistry.
You know what you learn in chemistry? How to make poison, undetectable poison.
I could've covered the doorknob in it today.
But you touched the doorknob.
It only works on little boys.
There's no such poison, Henry.
Besides, why would she go to so much trouble when she could just smother you in your sleep? Stop it.
You're scaring him.
I'm saving his life.
So you all live in fear of a little girl? Who's runnin' this house, anyway? We are, all right? And it's not like we didn't confront her In a way.
Oh, uh, hey, lil.
Hey.
Hey, dad.
Uh, what are you up to tonight? Nothing.
Going to Christina's.
Oh, Christina.
Yeah, yeah.
She's the real heavy drinker, right? No.
Oh, that's right.
It's, um God, who is that? The real heavy drinker is, um Nobody.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
You know what? We really should just We should talk about things more.
You know, I was watchin' the TV, and I saw that ad with frasier's maid, and she was like, "talk to your kids.
" Ha ha ha.
You know, more, and, uh, you're my kid, and I'm just really interested in your life.
You want to talk about my period? Yeah.
Bye, dad.
Oh, you're workin' way too hard.
You want to get the truth out of your kid, you ask him direct questions, and look him straight in the eye.
It doesn't work, dad.
I've tried it.
Really? Doesn't work.
Ok, I haven't tried it.
Uh-huh.
Ha ha ha.
But it wouldn't work with Lily anyway.
I mean, she's a different breed.
She's remorseless.
She knows no fear.
Yeah, what you call hell, she calls home.
It's not about fear.
It's about respect.
Wait.
How's she gonna respect me after I violated her privacy? She doesn't have privacy.
Why would a teenager want to keep somethin' private? Because it's bad.
You boys were never able to keep anything from me.
You don't want to confront her? I'll do it.
I'll be back in 5 minutes with the information you need.
Dad, dad, don't worry about it.
It's my house, they're my kids, I'm in control.
None shall pass.
Whoa, what's goin' on here? Cool fort, huh, dad? Yeah, and you guys can't get past us without the secret password.
Mmm, let me guess.
It's boobies.
I told you we needed a different password.
I just like that one so much.
Boobies! Whoa, dad, here's the thing, ok? We confront her, then she's gonna find out about the other thing.
There's another thing? We were so desperate to see what she was usin' the fake I.
D.
For that we did somethin' borderline unethical.
We kind of checked her e-mail.
Ok, what's her password? Try boobies.
It's not boobies.
It's Timberlake.
How do you know? Look around.
Ahem! Tim-ber-lake.
All right, come on.
Work, work, work.
Computer: Welcome! I'm in! Computer: You've got mail.
Ok, this is her private email account.
I just want to go on record as saying this is wrong.
Do you want me to stop? I just want it on the record.
Ok, duly noted.
Look at the subject on this one.
"I will freak you crazy, baby.
" Hey, they're ripping off my line.
Claudia: Come on, open it! Jimmy: Calm down.
It's just junk mail.
Ok, there's gotta be something here.
There's got to be just some clue.
What hey, what's that? Uh, someone's instant messaging you.
Someone named "sweetandnastee.
" They think you're Lily.
Ah, "Lily?" Just shut it down! Shut it down! You gotta bail, man.
No, no, no! This sweetandnastee person might be able to give us a clue.
Yes You know Fresh Keeping it fresh? Yeah, yeah.
That's what all the kids are saying these days.
No, they're not.
Yeah, that's old school, man.
Now the kids are saying "spank.
" You know, like "yo, that's spank, man!" No, we're not.
You will be.
Now we're like twins?! Lily's got a tattoo on her butt? Henry, go downstairs! Yeah.
Have we ever checked her butt? How am I supposed to check her butt?! So we're just supposed to sit back and not check her butt? We are her parents! Hold on a second, ok? Wait.
Ok, I'm gonna find out what's up.
Anything going on tonight? To the rave, right? Both: The rave? Let's go.
Let's go to the rave.
What's a rave? You should ask Eddie.
He knows all about 'em.
Yeah, I'm familiar with the scene.
I eventually got tired of the hassles.
I mean, the cops do not understand.
Yeah, can you believe those dumb cops? I mean, they can't embrace the idea of teenagers using illegal drugs in condemned warehouses.
In this day and age! Oh, my god.
Seems like just yesterday she was my little ballerina and now she's a tattooed party girl.
Well, I'm sure you'll get a chance to talk to her soon on Jerry springer! Oh, we'll talk to her.
When exactly? You know what, dad? Now! You know, Lily has gone too far on this one.
All right, I'm gonna march right up there and go, yes! I went into your room, young lady.
And yes, I went into your drawer because I'm your dad and I'm concerned about you.
Yes! Yes! Yes, I went into your room! I went into oh, I went into You know what? You can't even call it your room until you start paying rent, young lady! Heh heh heh! Ok! Your room! My house! Sean: It's no, my room! Sure, sure, sure I was in your room.
And I'm gonna do it again whenever I like because I'm your father! Fathers Ok, sure.
Yeah, dad? Lily, I think we should talk about where you were tonight.
I was at Christina's.
I don't think so.
Why not? Could it be because you were in my room! You violated my privacy, you trampled my trust, because you were in my room! No, I wasn't.
Boy, I really hit the jackpot.
It's Kenny Rogers, Cheryl ladd, the black guy from Miami vice.
He's really spank.
You have no right to go in my room! Look, this is my house.
I'll go into any room I want.
Well, why don't you just go in the bathroom and flush your face? You know what? If I choose to, I will.
And in either one because they're both mine! Go ahead! Oh, she's on something! I think she snorted up some of that exstamacy.
Ho ho ho, that's it! I am done with this family.
I am disowned! Oh, come on.
You can't disown yourself.
Fine.
Then I quit.
Whoa! Freeze right there! Young lady, I am not chasing you to any more raves.
What? Hmm, hmm, hmm.
We know all about it.
You actually went? 'Course I went.
I What do you mean, "actually"? I was at Christina's house.
Like I said.
Hey, Lily? This is weird.
You're on-line.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Your screen name just popped up on my buddy list.
See? No way.
Somebody signed on with my name! No! Yes! Send them an instant message.
Lily, what are you doing? It's probably my little brother.
They're not answering.
Type are you there? This is so freaking me out.
Totally.
"Just hanging.
You know, keeping it fresh"? Oh, my god! It's my dad! How do you know? It's him.
Ah, you know, keeping it fresh.
Did he really say "keeping it fresh"? I'll talk to him.
Should we sign off? No.
Move over.
I'm going to screw with him a little.
Christina is sweetandnastee? Oh, man! I knew it! Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
There was an address In yonkers and a password to get in.
Pumpkin? Pumpkin! That's it exactly! Ohh-h-h.
I just made up an address at random.
Well, there was something there.
This is it 540 white street.
It's a dry cleaners.
I bet the kids get all messed up on dry cleaning chemicals.
And then they put on other people's clothes.
That's sick.
That's brilliant.
Phew.
A lot of celebrities bring their laundry here.
Yeah.
Look at this one.
Kenny Rogers.
"To Bobby, you know when to fold 'em.
" That's good.
That's a good one.
Hey, I don't see a rave.
It's probably down in the basement or something.
That's what the password's for.
Can I help you? Oh, yeah.
Hey, um You know, I just wanted to get some stuff dry cleaned and You know, pumpkin.
What? Pumpkin.
Why did you just wink at me? Come on.
We're down.
Pumpkin.
Ok.
You call me pumpkin again, I'm gonna slap you.
Hey, buddy, I think if you look at your list, you'll see that we're on it.
Why don't you just tell me what day you dropped off? Dropped off? What This guy is some kind of wise ass.
What are you, a wise ass? Hey, hey, hey.
No, no.
I'll take care of it.
Come on.
Hey, hey, whoa.
All right? Come on, man.
Hey, dude, we just wanna party.
We know you're sweetandnastee.
Excuse me? Yeah, come on.
You're sweetandnastee.
We know you got a cobra on your ass.
Ok.
Get outta my store! Sean: Oh, wait a minute! I get it.
You just want to party with underage girls! Now you're calling me a pervert? You guys are the ones that are perverts! Hey, pop, pop, we're all friends here.
You got a nice place.
I'd just hate to see somebody mess it up.
Oh! Was that valuable? Oh! Oh! Now, why don't you just tell us where the action is? Oh, now you're going to be the tough guy? And then it was on.
That's hardly fair.
Actually we could've used another couple guys.
Who's sweet and nasty now, huh? Ah, shoot! Yah! Let's get outta here! W-w-w-wait a minute.
Whoo! Ha! Ha-a-a ha ha! Come on.
So you beat up and robbed an innocent dry cleaner? Hey, hey! He beat us up! We just robbed him.
So you actually believed I'd go all the way to yonkers for some party? How stupid do you think I am? I don't know.
That's what we were trying to find out.
Lily, we remember what it was like to be teenagers.
You can't hold you against me.
I've given you no reason to be so suspicious.
Oh, is that so, Ms.
winterhaven? Excuse me? Uh, yeah, Ms.
uh, Lillian winterhaven.
That's not mine.
Oh, it's not? Well, it's not my name.
It's got your picture on it.
Uck! Mom, it was just a goof, ok? All the kids at school have them.
I haven't even used mine yet.
Yet! See, that's the word that scares us.
Nah-ah ah-ah unh-unh.
No.
Whatever.
Sean: Whoa! You stop right there, young lady.
This isn't just about the I.
D.
What do you mean? Well, the I.
D.
Wasn't the only thing I found.
Uck.
What else did you find? You know damn well what I found.
Oh, ok.
That's not even mine.
I'm just holding it for Christina.
Your mother and I are so disappointed and heartbroken.
Aren't we, baby? Disappointed doesn't even begin to describe I'm so sorry.
This will never, ever happen again.
You bet your ass it won't.
Now, you march up those stairs and you get that thing and you bring it down here and then And then we'll talk about maybe putting this thing behind us and then maybe I can look at you the same way I used to look at you.
Like the daughter I loved.
Ok.
Nice work! Number one.
Scared the crap out of her.
Yes, we did.
Oh, baby, mmm! What do you think it is? Oh, I don't know.
We'll find out in a minute.
Lily: Oops! At least we know it wasn't a handgun.
Walter: Open the side! I can't breathe in here! Jimmy: Grandpa? Where are you? Walter: Aah! I just hit the umbrella stand.
Oh, my god! Uh, guys, this is way, way, way too big.
Eddie: Tell me about it.
There's no way to get out of the house.
Walter: Aw, the hell with it! Grandpa! Why'd you do that? I'm sorry, boys.
I got to use the bathroom.
I'm surprised there isn't one in there.
There is.
Oh, no! Oh, god.
Oh, don't whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You guys comin' back for more? No, no, no, no, no.
We we we came to apologize.
We made a mistake.
I'll say.
And we're sorry and we want to give you your pictures back.
Where the hell's my Philip Michael Thomas? Who? The black guy from Miami vice.
Aw, you run!