Growing Pains s01e02 Episode Script

Hi.
I'm Jason Seaver.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I've spent the last 15 years helping people with their problems.
And I'm Maggie Seaver.
I've spent the last 15 years helping our kids with problems even Jason wouldn't believe.
Now Maggie has gone back to work as a reporter for the local newspaper.
And Jason has moved his practice into the house so we can be there for the kids.
- They're great kids.
- Most of the time.
And the rest of the time - We love them, anyway.
- Yeah.
Unbelievable.
This is it, my Springsteen tickets.
Hello? When do they outgrow skateboards? When you buy them a Camaro.
Yeah, okay.
Bye.
Gonna see Springsteen, huh? Yep.
Tomorrow night.
It's gonna be awesome.
Ladies and gentlemen the Boss.
Wait, wait.
I thought the Springsteen concert was sold-out.
Sold-out? Carol, to a man with connections, nothing is ever sold-out.
That just happened to be Seth Jameson nephew of the man whose brother-in-law owns a hot-dog concession at the Coliseum.
Wow.
So did you get tickets? Did I get tickets? Of course I got tickets.
You did? To Springsteen? Well, no.
To the Ice Capades but I got very good seats and two free hot dogs.
Talk about connections.
Are those all-beef dogs? It's too bad about the concert, honey.
You must be disappointed.
No, I actually got a couple of other things going.
I'll get the tickets.
All right.
This is it.
Hello? Yeah.
Talk to me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll see you.
No dice? No.
Jerry was sure he'd be able to get those tickets from his friend Cheech, but Cheech? Jason, our son knows people named Cheech? Maggie, you can't judge somebody on the basis of a name.
Anyway, Mike, you were saying? Yeah, well, Cheech's parole officer didn't think it'd be such a good idea for him to be scalping tickets so close to the trial.
Good judgment, there, Cheech.
We're sorry, honey.
That's all right.
I still got one more shot.
Hey, Jimski.
Yeah, it's Mike.
Yeah.
Look, I gotta have those tickets.
Yes.
Look, offer them anything they want.
What? My jacket? My leather jacket? The one that smells like actual cattle? He delivered papers for two years to get that jacket.
He loves that jacket.
I love that jacket.
Of course, I never had a jacket that nice.
Okay, okay, he can have the jacket.
Oh, come on.
Jimmy Look, I hate to even ask Jerry that.
Yeah, all right.
Look, call me right back.
He wanted a date with Jerry's sister.
Trixie? She's only 11.
I said no.
Say, Mike, you don't really want to part with that jacket, do you? No, but, Dad, there's no way that Bruce is gonna play 10 miles from my house, and I'm gonna miss him.
Dad, I gotta go to that concert.
- There it is.
- Yep.
What? That's impossible.
Yeah.
Okay.
See you.
Well? - Somebody offered him a house.
- A house? Well, it was just for a weekend, but that's still out of our league.
- Unless - Mike.
Okay.
Fine.
Hey, Mike, at least you still have that jacket, right? Who cares? It smells like a dead cow.
Mom, Mom, Mom.
I just saw a mouse in the attic this big.
Was this a mouse or a small sheep? Well, it had beady little eyes and a long tail, and went like this.
That's a sheep, all right.
Okay, okay.
Where did I put those mousetraps? What are you gonna do with the mousetraps, Mom? Well, I'll be honest with you, Carol, I plan to use them to trap mice.
- Won't that kill them? - Hopefully.
Mom.
Carol, a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do.
Son, bring me my Camembert.
All right.
We're going with the big guns.
Well, Mom, I mean, they're cute, harmless little creatures.
Carol, these are the same guys who carried the plague all through Europe during the 10th century and killed millions of people.
That was 1,000 years ago, Mom.
How long are you going to hold a grudge? Michael.
Go ahead.
Try it.
Try to give me one good reason to go on living, Mom.
The Solid Gold dancers.
Well, at least Dad's not here.
I mean, he'd really try to cheer me up.
The slime.
I mean, he always acts like he's gonna be real sympathetic and then before you know it, he turns on you: "Mike, Mike, Mike.
"I find that at times like these "it's always best to keep a little perspective on life.
" At least he didn't give you that line about how rough he had it when he was your age.
No, no.
That's right.
He always says: "Mike "I'm not gonna give you that line about how rough I had it when I was your age "but I think that you should be aware "that historically, people have had it rougher than this.
" - Hi.
- Hi.
Do we have mice? Yep and if I'm not back in 24 hours call a cat.
Mike, Mike, Mike.
Still feeling pretty low, huh, pal? Dad, I'm feeling fine.
Let's just drop it, okay? Come on, come on.
I know what you're going through.
- Yeah, sure, Dad.
- No, I do.
I really do.
You know, I didn't want to bring it up this morning and depress you but I have seen Springsteen in concert.
You have? Ten years ago.
- Really? What was it like? - Amazing.
I mean, the guy completely blows your doors off.
- God, I don't want to hear this.
- He made me feel so - Please, Dad.
free.
I could have just walked out of that concert and hitchhiked right across country.
- Stop! - Sorry.
Mike, if you had one wish right now one thing, what would it be? Dad, I'm really not in the mood for this.
Come on, Mike.
Come on, come on, come on.
I mean, if you had one thing that would make you the happiest guy in the world, what would it be? A Solid Gold dancer.
All right, two wishes.
Front-row tickets to the Springsteen concert.
Well, would seventh-row be all right? Come on, Dad.
Don't toy with my emotions.
"Huntington Dry Cleaning.
Three shirts, clean, press, no starch.
" Thanks, Dad.
That was my third wish.
Okay, okay.
Sorry.
Wrong pocket.
How about these? It can't be.
Dad, do you know what these are? - These are Springsteen tickets! - Really? I can't believe it.
How did you get them? Well, Mike, your mom and I made a big decision.
We could either afford to send you to college or we could get those tickets.
- What do you think? - I think you made the right choice.
I can't believe it.
Two tickets to Springsteen.
Wait till I call Jerry.
He's gonna freak.
Hey, wait a minute.
Show some compassion.
When Jerry finds out we're going, it's gonna kill him.
We don't want to rub it in.
Right, right.
Hey, Mike, you don't really mind going to the concert with your old man? No.
No.
You sure? Yeah.
Dad, this is going to be great.
I mean, you don't want to take one of your buddies? No.
- You want to take Jerry? - No.
- Peggy Zelinsky? - No.
No, Dad, I want to go with you, really.
Well, all right, then.
Let's call Jerry and rub it in.
Just kidding.
I swear it, man.
I have tried everywhere.
There is not one more ticket around.
Hey, Seaver, did you score tickets? Hey, did I say I was gonna score the tickets? Voilà.
Outrageous, man! Where did you get these? I have my connections.
So, Mikey.
Buddy.
Broski.
Just how many tickets you got here? Just two.
What? You think he's gonna take you, bonehead? He's gonna take me, right, Mikey? Sorry, guys.
No can do.
Okay.
Okay, I can respect that.
Now let me guess.
Peggy Zelinsky, right? Oh, man, what an opportunity.
Have you ever seen a girl after a Springsteen concert? They turn into wild animals.
- Have you asked her, yet? - Well, no, not exactly.
I mean, Peggy wants me, man, but she just doesn't do it for me.
Look, I'm gonna be late for English.
Gotta go.
"I'm gonna be late for English.
Gotta go.
" Come on, Seaver, you barely speak English.
Who are you going with, man? Mafuther.
What? - Mafuther.
- Who's Mafuther? Wait.
Is that that new weird kid from Pakistan? No, man.
I'm going with my father.
You're gonna go see Springsteen with your father, man? Hey, look, my father's not like a father, okay? He's a cool guy.
Yeah, he's cool.
Last time I was over there he was waxing the floor and singing Puff the Magic Dragon.
Don't be a jerk, all right, Boner? I'm telling you, Seaver, it's weird.
Look, it's not weird, okay? Just because you're too big a jerk to do anything with your father doesn't mean there's anything weird or un-cool about it.
You guys breathe a word of this to anybody and you're dead meat.
You can't start a fire You can't start a fire without a spark This gun's for hire One fascinating aspect of tonight's crowd is its broad age range and if I'm not mistaken evidence of this cross-generational appeal is right here.
Excuse me, young man.
Did you attend this evening's concert with your father? Who wants to know? All of the Tri-State area.
This is Newsline New York.
- Sir, is this your son? - Hey! The big fellow here? Not only is this my son, this is my best buddy.
Tell me, sir, isn't it unusual for a father and a son to attend a rock 'n' roll concert together? No, no way.
No, not in our family.
Not in any family that loves each other.
Right? Bruce, Bruce.
We loved it.
Young man, anything you'd like to say to your friends at school? Carol, I was just upstairs in the attic.
Hey, that's great, Mom.
All the cheese is gone and all the traps are sprung, but there's no mice in them.
Really? Carol, I have nothing personal against these mice.
It's just that my children's health is more important to me than theirs is.
Fine! Just go ahead and kill them but where does it stop, Mom? Today it's mice, tomorrow it's the neighbor's barking dog then maybe the mailman's late one day.
Killing a mailman is a federal offense, Mom.
Well, at least she didn't overreact.
Hey, Mike.
How was the concert? Is there an irate children's convention upstairs? What? What's with Mike? How should I know? Didn't say a word to me all the way home.
Oh? I guess he thinks I embarrassed him or something.
Why? What did you do? I didn't do anything.
He's overreacting.
We got interviewed by a television crew down there, and Never mind.
I'd really rather not talk about it.
Oh, well, I'm sure it'll blow over by tomorrow or the next day.
So, how's my brother, the big TV star? Hey, knock it off, Carol.
I've been getting that all day.
Hello, everybody, this is Newsline New York.
We're here with Mike and Jason Seaver, two really cool guys.
Nancy wouldn't go with me to the movies Saturday, so you know what I did? - What? - I asked my dad.
Hey, Boner, you're a real funny guy.
Hey, Mikey, listen.
Maybe you and your dad could double with me and my dad some night.
Mikey, you can tell us.
Did you get lucky, or was that good night kiss all you got? You guys are a lot funnier since your lobotomies.
What a family.
The guy dates his dad, then gets his little sister to stick up for him.
You know, this could make the news, too.
What a guy.
We're buddies.
I love this guy! Come on, Ben.
I need your help.
The mice need your help.
I'm just not political.
Ben there comes a time when principle alone compels us to take a stand.
- I'll give you a quarter.
- A dollar.
- Fifty cents.
- Save the mice.
Save the mice.
Release the rodents.
Okay.
Okay, Carol, I give up.
You win.
Here.
"Born Free Mouse Hotels.
"Your mouse checks in and doesn't check out "until you find him a more suitable environment.
" And that's not all.
Jason, tell Carol what these lucky mice have won.
Well, Maggie, in addition to having their lives spared our furry little friends will be whisked away for a fun-filled, all-expense-paid two-week vacation to Disneyland.
Yeah, where they will meet the big cheese himself, you guessed it: Mickey Mouse.
You guys.
Boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Does this mean we're going to Disneyland, too? No.
It's getting late.
I wonder where Mike is.
You check the libraries.
I'll check the museums.
Why is he making such a federal case out of this? You know, he didn't speak to me last night.
He gave me the cold shoulder this morning.
Now he's two hours late.
Jason, Jason, Jason.
I find that at times like these, it's good to keep a little perspective on things.
Honey, I'm sure he's over it by now.
On the other hand, I'm no psychiatrist.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go tuck in the mice.
You did get your mother's nose.
Okay, sorry, dumb joke.
No, no.
You're a laugh riot, Dad.
Hey, Mike I am sorry, okay? I know you feel I embarrassed you, and I'm sorry.
- Yeah, sure.
Great, Dad.
- Mike I'm apologizing.
Don't you think we should get this out in the open? What, you mean like on national television? You know, I paid a lot of money for those tickets and that was so you could go to the concert.
I think you're being a little self-absorbed about I'm being self-absorbed? Dad, you gave me noogies on the evening news.
Well, some people's parents lock them in a closet for seven years.
You got it real rough.
Your father likes you.
Gross, cooties! I was showing my feelings for you, Mike.
You got feelings for Mom, too but you don't go showing them in front of whole Tri-State area.
Dad, you just don't know.
I mean, the guys at school Come on, Mike, what do you care what those guys say? Dad, it's easy for you to say.
You don't You just don't know what it's like.
I mean, they laughed at me because I went with you but I defended you.
I said, "My dad's a cool guy.
" And then what did you do? You slobber all over me on Newsline New York.
All right.
Okay, Mike, I am sorry.
Maybe we shouldn't have gone to the concert together.
Hey, that's not what I'm saying.
No.
I mean, maybe you just should have taken a girl.
Dad, you're not listening to me.
Look I'm taking a big risk by telling you this but I actually like doing stuff with you.
I do.
I mean, I was sitting there watching Springsteen with my dad and a lot of other people's parents don't even know what a Springsteen is.
And all through the concert I was thinking, "Hey, you know, this is really great.
" Yeah.
Well, you know, I was thinking pretty much the same thing.
Well, maybe there's a way that we can both think that without letting the entire free world in on it.
Well, I guess I did lose control a little.
Okay, a lot.
That's all right, Dad.
I guess Bruce has that effect on people.
I guess maybe next time we should see someone a little less dynamic.
Well, I hear the Osmonds are coming to town.
I love this guy.
You guys, I'm telling you, this does not compare with seeing him live.
Mike! Mike! Your mother and I are in the next room.
We're trying to read.
You guys think you could turn down that Turn down whoever that is.
English