Hap and Leonard (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

This is the spot.
My daddy says they hung him down there by the river.
Skinned that old nigga, but he was still alive when they hanged him.
Ain't no such thing as ghosts.
They say he hung there all night.
Cryin' till he died.
Look.
Shit, just an old rope.
Folks say you come down here at night, you could still hear him cryin'.
Damn.
I almost shit myself.
I did.
Hmm! Oh, sheesh.
Oh.
Oh! Whoa! Sorry, buddy.
Ah Hey.
Where you been? I got you somethin'.
Mmm I was tired.
Slept in the truck awhile.
How'd you sleep? Like a bear with a spring up his ass.
Whoo! Could you could you get dressed, man? Put put some clothes on? Why? You excited? No, I want to be out of here before the Sunshine Band wakes up.
We quittin'? No, we we got a bridge to find.
Yes! Oh, hey.
Y'all going somewhere? Doing what we came here to do, find that bridge.
Good, good.
Take Chub and Paco with you.
- No.
- We're good.
Glad to hear it.
Just let these boys get cleaned up.
And, uh, oh, had a great run.
Morning ritual, you know, you got to stay in shape.
I want some breakfast.
Yeah, Trudy's gonna make some eggs before you head out.
That girl can cook.
Right, Hap? Bad joke.
I couldn't resist.
You know, we don't have room in here for four, so Oh, hey, well, take the van.
Plenty of room.
I'm telling you right now that thing got a mattress and beaded curtains, I'm walkin'.
What do we got here? Hell if I know.
Glorious morning.
Heavens are tellin' of the glory of God.
Their expanse is declaring the work of His hands.
Meaning? - Meaning he's the Creator.
- Oh.
And he's watching us right now.
Hap, you see anybody? - No.
- Oh Just a cloud, and that looks like Willie Nelson.
Hey, you wouldn't happen to be lost, now, would you? Just the opposite, brother.
I saw your entrance and your, uh your lawn pieces, thought you might be in need of the Holy Spirit.
You blind? See them signs? This is private property.
How the hell did you get past that gate? It it was open.
Afraid I didn't see any signs, sir.
Sorry.
My name's Prescott Jones, and I sell the Lord's Word.
We're atheists.
Oh, well, too bad.
But I'm running a sale, friend.
You run it somewhere else.
We're busy, and I ain't your friend.
Right you are.
Right you are.
I'll just leave this here then.
On the house.
I hate Bible thumpers! You left that gate open, didn't you? Yeah, yeah.
I won't tell if you won't.
Oh, no.
Just stay straight.
Trail's not far.
Ah, shit.
How about that way? Yeah, it winds around.
Holy rollers, I get.
But you got a problem with the police too? Something we should know about? Did you ever hear of the Mechanics? Paco was with them.
Weren't they a splinter branch of the Weathermen? Protested 'Nam, blew up buildings and recruitin' stations? People too, if I recall.
Something like that.
Well? It looks right, but it was a long time ago.
I just followed my dad.
I tell you I don't like these two clowns breathing down my neck.
Let's go.
How hard can it be to find a damn river? Well, you tell me.
You and Howard couldn't find it.
Well, you know so much.
Which way? I'm pretty sure they both lead down to the water, so Pretty sure? Mm-hmm.
We could take 'em both.
That's the first intelligent thing you've said.
Meet you there.
I don't think so.
You want that hand, I suggest you keep it on a leash.
You're with me, Hap.
Who put you in charge? No way in hell I'm going with Chub.
You lead the way.
So Trudy says you're a gay.
What's that like? Let's try a version of this where you don't talk.
You don't act like any homosexuals that I know of.
You don't know any homosexuals.
I'm just saying, it's just rare to meet someone who's so comfortable in their own skin.
I mean, you're, like, the first gay black man I've ever met.
One more word, I'll be the last gay black man you ever met.
Leonard? Leonard? Oh Come on, Leonard.
Leonard! Tell me somethin' How does a man like you go from a group like the Mechanics to the Howard and Trudy show? What do you mean, a man like me? I know who you are.
You weren't just a member of the Mechanics.
You were its leader the bomb maker who blew himself up.
I was young.
I stood up for somethin'.
Blind faith and a cause, huh? Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
Some of us can stand the heat, and some of us can't.
Besides, it ain't that bad, this face.
Only hurts when I smile.
Was this place always so popular? Something about a dead cop.
Heard it back on the trail.
Where's Chub? Long story.
All right, one, two - Three.
- Three.
Pull! God damn it.
Well, now what? We got some rope in the van.
Yeah.
- Good? - Good.
You ready, Chub? Yeah.
One, two, three.
Pull! all: Pull! Shit! Where are your pants? Trudy, you got customers waitin'.
Table two.
Welcome to Family Burger, where everyone's family.
How can I help you? Family Well, sister, you can let me take you out dancing.
How about that? You know, my dance card's full this week, but I can take your food order.
Oh Well, I guess I'll just have to give this menu another look, then.
Oops.
Sorry about that.
That's very kind of you.
That's the least I could do.
Would you mind getting my lady friend here one more steak, when you get a chance? She has worked up quite an appetite.
Sure thing.
Just let me clean this up.
Of course.
And could you go ahead and make that real rare? 'Cause she likes it bloody and bitin' back.
Oh Nobody come in, 'cause I'm taking a bubble bath.
I'm gonna hose off my coin purse.
Surprisingly big dick.
I hope all this celebration means you found something.
Well Come on inside.
I made dinner.
Tell all about it.
My feet are killin' me.
Just in time.
Green beans in a garlic-chili sauce.
I hope it's not too spicy.
Ain't no such thing as too spicy.
It's tofu.
You ever try it? No.
Howard's a vegetarian.
That right? I didn't see that coming.
It's a personal choice.
Do you like it? - Hap? - Hmm? - The food.
- Oh, yeah.
- Do you like it? - For beans.
So, uh, how about you fill us in on your progress today? Hmm, well, uh I wouldn't call it definitive.
You wouldn't? No, it's more complicated.
Oh.
We found the road in, leading to the bridge.
Well, hey Well, that sounds hopeful.
It's pretty overgrown in there, and the old trails are gone.
I'm pretty positive that we're in the right area.
- You're pretty positive.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, that's very encouraging, isn't it, Trudy? Yeah, we'll go back out there tomorrow, but like I said, the trails are old.
You guys had a big adventure today, huh? - Just no bridge.
- Hmm.
I can't say I'm not disappointed, after Trudy's enthusiastic endorsement that you would be the one to find it.
Howard, give him a break.
It's the first day.
I'll find it.
It's gonna be a little harder than I thought.
I mean, I'd hate to see you let her down.
I mean, she thinks so highly of you.
Trudy's taste in men has always been questionable.
Maybe I should leave, so you two can put your dicks on the table, next to them toothpicks.
Ooh She's right.
We're a team, and we should act like one.
You don't find it, you don't find it.
You go home, we keep trying, because it's a matter of dedication.
Isn't it? Chub, you're done eating.
Let's walk the perimeter.
I'll go with you.
What's the odds I'll find me a cheeseburger out there? Charming.
I can see why you married him.
I also divorced him.
It's my curse.
They can't all be you.
But he gets things done.
Of course he does, 'cause he's got What was that word he used? Dedication.
That's a good thing.
Leonard's rubbing off on you.
He sees the world through dirty glasses.
Maybe the world is dirty.
Well a little optimism never hurt.
"Radio Mystery Hour" and a new Sherlock Holmes adventure.
And what new adventure are we to embark on tonight? A macabre little escapade from Holmes' and my early years entitled "The Dorchester Demon.
" It was in the year of 1887.
Holmes and I were retiring before the fire when he began "My dear fellow, "life is infinitely stranger "than anything which the mind of man could invent.
"Here, an example from today's paper "a husband's cruelty to his wife.
"There's half a column of print, "but I know without reading it "that it is all perfectly familiar to me.
"There is, of course, the other woman, "the drink, the push, the blow, the bruise, "the sympathetic sister or landlady.
"The crudest of writers could invent nothing more crude.
" Indeed, your example is an unfortunate one for your argument The husband was a teetotaler, and the conduct complained of was that he had drifted into the habit of winding up every meal by taking out his false teeth and hurling them at his wife I'm really starting to like these people.
I hope they invite us back next year.
Yeah.
It's pretty obvious they like you too.
I think that Paco's got a thing for you.
Maybe you won't go home empty-handed from here after all.
Oh, yeah, his beauty's on the inside.
See anything out there today looked familiar? Maybe the road in does, but after that, could be on Venus.
It's a friggin' river.
Uh-uh.
Not a river.
It's a tributary to a river.
That's why Howard couldn't find it.
Well, aren't you the clever one? Son of a bitch can cook, though.
Them string beans was good.
Hmm.
Been chopping for hours now.
Where the hell we at, Hap? All I see is swamp.
Talk a good game back home.
Even had me fooled.
Ain't nobody tell me I was gonna be on a redneck safari and shit, sleeping on the floor, hanging out with the last of the flower children.
Damn tacos done took our job at the rose field.
We ain't got squat.
Next thing you know, we gonna be working at the McDonald's.
What you smiling at? You either remember somethin', or you farted.
Don't tell me you farted.
We used to dig for night crawlers underneath that tree, so gonna be an old sign over there, which means the iron bridge is right here.
I told you.
Didn't I tell you? Then where's the goddamn river? Here you go, fellas, two more.
How does a river just disappear? May be the wrong bridge.
No, no, it's the right bridge.
I know that much.
Probably some old, made-up, bullshit prison story anyway.
This Softboy guy probably pulling Howard's crank.
Trudy bought it.
Of course you bought it.
If you believe that, then why are you here? I'm here watchin' your ass.
Since when did my ass need watchin'? Since always.
You act like it's the first time I had to pull it out the fire.
Hell, I need oven mitts just to hang out with you.
Then don't.
'Cause I don't need a babysitter.
You know what the real question is? What are you doing here? What's up? Chester.
Got to go back.
Hmm.
Leonard.
Yeah? I'm really sorry to hear about your uncle.
He's old.
Shit happens.
Still, it's got to be tough.
You take care of him while I'm gone, now, won't you? He's a grown man, last I looked.
More like a puppy dog.
Loves unconditionally.
You just the ball he keeps chasing into the street.
Don't let him be roadkill.
I'll make sure he gets his shots and give him a bath before I give him back.
It's sweet, actually, the way you pretend he needs you.
Hey, uh, this is for gas.
You been holding out on me.
Look, we're still partners.
Whether you're here or not when we find it, you still get your share.
I ain't gonna hold my breath.
Hmm Hey.
Come on, man! That's why dudes don't hug each other.
Yeah, sorry.
Trudy, remember what I said.
What'd he say? Nothin'.
Oh.
Dr.
McAllister, 472.
Dr.
McAllister, 472, please.
Chester Pine? Hmm? Good? Huh, Chester? Okay.
Is it bad? He's pretty out of it.
They got him on some heavy drugs.
I'm gonna leave you alone with him.
Mrs.
Wayman, can you come to admitting? Mrs.
Wayman, come to admitting, please.
Hey, cowboy.
Wanna take a ride? Leonard took our horse.
Howard's Saab.
Still got a copy of the keys.
Will he mind? Of course.
Thank you.
Got these for your birthday last year, before we split up.
You might as well have them.
Happy birthday.
How's Hap? He's good.
And Switch? There's a little white hair in his face.
Guess we all gettin' older.
Not me, honey.
I refuse.
We got married on that porch.
You had hair down to your shoulders.
That silly peasant shirt you sewed flowers on.
I screwed up, Hap.
Oh, come on, it wasn't that silly.
I mean it.
In life.
I'm not perfect.
No.
Mm No one said you had to be.
A phone call would've been nice.
I miss the way you used to be.
Always the noble one, ready to make a stand.
And now? You just seem sad.
Like you missed your chance at the ring.
But if I'm right, I think I can cheer you up.
Bring back a little of that old Hap.
Right about what? You'll see.
Well, hot damn.
If it isn't the river.
So this is what I found out.
Howard did his research, all right, but he missed one important thing.
What? Enough time goes by, things change.
Look.
- Here's your bridge.
- Mm-hmm.
Here's your tributary, where it should be Okay.
And here's what Howard missed.
20 years ago, the Sabine flooded, along with half the county, so severe it rearranged the river itself, so the tributaries all shifted, and a new river was created.
So that's why the bridge was over a dry gulch.
How'd you know all this? Library? Bait shop.
That car could be anywhere.
Nope.
The flood stopped at the Old Mill Dam.
So there's a good chance that car's between the dry gulch and in front of that dam.
That's less than a half mile to search.
Sounds ambitious.
A little ambition goes a long way.
You told me that once.
I did? Yes, sir.
Now blow that up.
We're gonna do a little night fishing.
Trudy? It's here, Hap.
I can feel it.
How do you do that? What? Stay so hopeful.
You really just gonna take your money and go when this is over? That's your plan, huh? You could come with me.
I'm sorry, Trudy.
I'm just not interested in the downtrodden anymore.
Hell, I'm one of 'em.
I feel sorry for you, Hap.
You got nothing left inside to hold the dark away.
Yeah? Like what? Howard and I were in Mexico about a year ago At this small orphanage, just an old monastery, bunch of nuns And all these children.
Dirt poor, hungry, some of them sick, yet they were still happy.
They had faith in something greater.
And? I promised myself that one day, I'd go back and change the world for those children.
That's what keeps me going.
Bet you think that's silly, don't you? No.
No, I don't.
Hey, b-back up here.
Back up, back up.
I think I got something here.
Oh! Give me the line, give me the line.
Oh, my God.
We found it! - Hap, you found it.
- Oh! We found it! Ah! Hap! Hey, let go.
Breathe, breathe, come on! I got you, I got you.
Swim! Swim to the side, swim to the side! Let's go.
Come on, out of the water! Oh, God! Hey, hey, it's okay.
It's gone, it's gone.
We're safe.
Hey, Trudy Oh, God.
Hap Yeah, I know.
I know.