Happily Divorced (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Happily divorced is shot before a live audience.
Wow Who would've thought that I would meet Such a nice guy after my husband left me To meet a nice guy.
hey I can't find my thin wallet-- the one we got in mexico.
I don't want to have a bulge.
You're gay now.
You want to rethink that? Don't worry, he's going out tonight.
Now, where was you? OhAhh The blue goes with his eyes.
But the stripe, I think-- - I don't care.
- Oh, he don't care.
- He don't care.
- He don't care.
He don't care.
Oh! Who is it? It's dori and glen! That's my ride.
I'll get it.
It's my parents.
Peter's still very close with them.
In fact, he still does my mother's-- Oh, oh, you don't care.
You don't care.
- Hi.
- Peter.
- Hi, ma.
- Oh, honey, Why is your lipstick all smeared? Ohhh Glen, let's go.
Elliot, my man, we're still on for the lakers.
Courtside seats, right? 'cause that's what I told all my friends.
You tell 'em about the vip parking? Is it too soon to tell you I love you? Okay, daddy, come on.
It's almost 4:30.
You're gonna be late for dinner.
Hey, sorry, elliot, They just have no sense of boundaries.
They don't know when to-- she was certain that he was the one and only but their union always seemed a little forced she got married anyway turns out that he was gay they're still in love but now she's happily divorced Now, I think we were somewhere in this vicinity.
Look, fran, I just-- Oh, please don't start a sentence with "look.
" It's never a good thing.
That's what hubbell said to katie in the way we were, Hence the title.
No, just that after my divorce, I didn't see my ex-wife, ever.
Well, that's because you moved out.
Yeah.
Peter's gonna move out just as soon as He can afford to get his own place.
But he's here now, all the time.
It's like you two are still married.
He's just physically here.
Emotionally, we are completely disconnected.
And I so don't want to be talking about this right now.
And soon you will learn what a gift that is.
Look at me.
I want to move on, And I want you to be the man that I move on with.
Oh, peter Oy Will you cheer up.
You didn't blow it.
We've established that, judi.
Why did I call out peter's name? I know why.
Because everywhere I turn, There he is.
No wonder elliot's mad.
You know what I do when jerry's mad at me? Jerry's your cat.
A man is a man, baby.
And they all have short memories.
I had jerry neutered.
You don't think he was pissed? But then I offered him a treat, He purred on my lap that night.
What the hell are you saying? Call elliot.
Invite him back over.
- Oh, are you kidding? - He'll never come.
He will if you stop shouting out "peter.
" And then, in the heat of el amor, Miss fran called mr.
Elliot mr.
Peter.
And then what happened next? Well, then she walked in the room and looked at you Like she wanted to kill you.
- Me? - Yes, you! Oh Oh, sweetie, I feel terrible, but I'm sure elliot understood.
I mean, this is a lot of man.
Well, I want that lot of man out of my house tonight Because elliot and I need our privacy.
Uh, hey, excuse me, it's my house too.
Why am I the one being inconvenienced? Because you're the one that turned gay and Turned gay! Well, what am I supposed to do? Oh, why don't you just put on that mint-green v-neck That you had to have, And go to that piano bar in west hollywood.
- Oh, I can't go there.
- Why not? I'm fat.
- Oh, my god! - Oh, god! Now, hold on! I'm gay fat.
It's a whole other scale.
Can you believe him? He just went from zero to elton in 60 seconds.
Look, I'll go with you, pete.
I love that place.
How do you know about it? Well, I sing there for open-mike night.
The boys adore me.
Of course, half of them think I'm a drag queen, but Mama likes attention! Who are you people? All right, all right! I'll get out of your hair tonight.
Thank you.
And then you can have your privacy With peter.
Oops.
I'm so glad I called.
I'm just glad you called me elliot.
Where are we going? The bedroom.
Oh.
Okay.
That's good, 'cause that's where I keep my bed.
You okay.
Oh, fine.
Wonderful.
Just so you know, I haven't had a chance To get to the gym this Decade.
Fran, I can barely see you.
I know.
Hi.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Do you mind if we just switch positions? I know it's been a while, but you do realize We haven't started yet.
No, no, I mean switch sides.
Because this side usually belonged to Oh, who cares? OhOh Oh, elliot - Wait, what'd I say? - You're good, you're good.
can I ask you a question? Your ex-wife is in bed right now Having sex with another man.
Aren't you just a little bit jealous? Of course.
Of her.
That guy looks like a fireman.
I just want her to be happy.
That's all I want too.
I mean, it's not like she hasn't had enough happiness.
Divorced five minutes, And she already has a fireman? Yeah, right? When's it gonna happen for me? When am I gonna get a boyfriend? Hello? I haven't dated since obama took office.
All right, well, you're having a little dry spell.
Senator obama! Thank you.
Judi, I feel guilty.
For what, baby? You know, for fruining ranny's life.
Oh, no, no, you did not fruin ranny's life.
You stayed true to yourself.
Huh? Oh, it's morning.
I think we can go home now.
Yeah.
Uh, guys, do you have a designated driver? Come on, I'll drive you home.
Yay! ow.
Oh Shh.
ManWhoa! Let's not let peter come between us again.
Last night was amazing.
Well, this morning can be Even amazing-er.
Come here, sexy.
Okay.
Good morning Oh, no.
Somebody's gonna have to share.
What is wrong with you? Are you insane? I'm sorry.
I had, like, 9,000 pomagritas.
Okay, so there you go.
He was schnockered.
He didn't mean to get into bed with you.
You didn't did you? Of course I didn't! Okay then, it was an accident.
Yeah, no harm done.
Yeah.
It's over.
What's passed is passed.
I know, maybe I should make us some breakfast.
- I'll blanch some eggs.
- I'll toast some sourdough.
You know what, I think I should go.
Why? Because I feel like I'm dating both of you.
We don't actually do that sort of thing.
Fran I've been divorced six years, And I've gone out with a lot of women.
Oddly, I find that a plus.
No, the point is, You've only been divorced six months.
You think you've moved on, but you haven't.
Yes, I have.
He hasn't! Look, I know we have something here, But you're not ready.
It takes time to figure these things out.
But I'm a quick learner.
You take care of yourself.
Oh Oh Wow, there goes one sensitive man.
You are dead! Okay, okay, now, hold on.
Technically, you're the one who sent me out to a bar.
Stop! I am done with this whole sick arrangement! I'm doing what I should have done six months ago.
I am leaving.
To go where? With what money? I'll figure it out.
I'm an independent woman.
And for the first time in 18 years, I'm going to exercise that independence! You can't live here, darling.
Why? Peter is ruining my life.
Sweetheart, you'll find someone else.
Who? Who are we gonna meet that's better than elliot? I'm gonna call him right now.
Maybe he won't hold this against me, And we're still on for the laker game.
My sweet angel, Love of my life who can't live here How can I put this subtly? Your father and I like to be spontaneous.
At any given time In any given room.
Well, daddy's 72 with a titanium hip.
How spontaneous are you gonna be? And when the mood strikes, I just crush up a chip of cialis And sprinkle it in his vanilla ice cream.
Sweetheart, go home.
You and peter need to figure out How to cohabitate.
Look, it's a new divorce.
You have a lifetime of not being together To make it work.
Elliot thinks me and him going to the game together Would be awkward.
OhSit down, honey.
I'll get you a nice bowl of vanilla ice cream.
It always gives me a lift.
oh Mr.
Peter, I have your aspirin.
Oh, thank you, cesar.
Listen, I want to explain what you walked in on this morning.
It was very uncomfortable.
Of course.
You are three people.
You need a king.
My cousin hector, he sells mattresses.
Uh, no.
I'm not talking about mat-- I'm-- fine, I'll call him.
Oh, good, you're here.
Surprise, surprise.
Fran, I'm sorry.
It was totally my fault.
Yes, it was, but we are not going To have it happen again because we're gonna Set up boundaries.
From now on, you can't come into my bedroom anymore.
And when I'm in the bathroom, No more strollin' in to get my hair gel Or my pumice stone or my apricot facial scrub.
Okay, fine.
But the same goes for you.
You can't just come into the bathroom When I'm in the shower, Or go into my room when I'm doing my shake weight.
And, yes, that is what I'm doing.
I'm fine.
- This is good.
Boundaries! - Yep.
We're each doing our own thing.
Yeah.
We're gonna be like simply two people That happen to be living together.
- Love it.
- I'm loving it more.
Some nights the house is yours, Some nights the house is mine.
Now, this is a divorce.
Starts right now.
Tonight, this house is yours.
- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
I am going to hear judi sing.
Oh, judi's tonight? What time does she go on? Not till 9:00.
Well, I'm gonna have to eat before.
I'm gonna swing by bossa nova.
Oh, I love the chicken salad there, But the parking's such a pain.
All right, we'll take one car.
- Okay.
Should I change? - No.
I love you in that.
Get the groupon, I'll get the keys.
Oh, they're right here.
And get a jacket, fran.
You always get cold on that patio.
Oh, boy, wow! I finally feel like we're moving forward As separate people.
I know.
It feels so weird.
That's only because it's so new.
- Oh, uh, would you-- - sure.
oh, I ain't got nobody nobody cares for me no not you Not you over there you don't care, you really don't care nobody cares for me oh oh ooohhh Yeah! Come on, judi, belt another one! You know, I didn't say this before I think elliot kinda overreacted To that whole bed thing.
- He did, didn't he? - Come on! - Over the top.
- Over the top.
- What was that about? - So all right, He ends up spooning your gay ex-husband.
You're in l.
A.
, baby.
Grow up.
Huh? So I'm forgiven for ruining it with elliot for good? No.
But give me time.
Hi, I'm mike.
Can I buy you a drink? - Oh - Hi.
Fran.
Married 18 years and still together.
Sorry.
now we're good.