Happy Endings s01e02 Episode Script

Oh, come on, bro.
Being a black guy is way harder than being a gay dude.
Oh, come on.
Last night l tried to hail a cab in a $1,200 suit.
Dude drove right past me and picked up a white guy in a ''Who Farted'' t-shirt.
Oh, boo-hoo, you can't get a cab.
l can't get married, or into heaven.
You don't wanna do either of those things.
lt doesn't matter.
Look, the president's a black, right? Technically, he's more of a tie-dye.
Whatever.
The point is he would never have gotten elected if he was riding in cars with boys.
You guys are idiots.
All l'm saying is you'd be surprised.
Jane and l get dirty looks all the time.
The upside is your kids are going to be super hot.
Yeah, l mean, half-black is God's Photoshop.
Worst case scenario, you're looking at the chick from Avatar.
She's blue.
No, the actress.
l think she's Puerto Rican.
She's Puerto Rican.
Well, uh, that's the last of my stuff, so.
So this is it.
l think it was it when you ran out on your wedding.
l can't do this.
l'm coming.
Okay.
Kick-ass! Too soon? Yes.
Yeah, so just call me if l left anything, or- You're gonna be okay at Max's place? What? Max's place is awesome.
You know what l love about your place, Max? lt has the look of a really scary place but the feel of a really, really scary place.
Yeah.
Love the exposed wires.
Yup.
Exposed wires are the new exposed brick.
Pippen.
Oh.
Oh.
All right, boys, l'm out.
You're not gonna stay and hang out with us? Yeah, no can do.
Got date night with the old ball and chain.
Gonna put on the weekend sweats, eat a massive amount of Chinese food and watch The Bachelor.
Oh, my God, l just fell asleep.
That sounded so horrible.
Yeah, l hate relaxing in my sweet pad and having unprotected sex with my smoking hot wife.
That's terrible.
Ew.
Right, guys? You two have fun, though, okay? By the way, that's bird poop.
ln your apartment.
So there's a bird in here.
Mm-hm.
Alive.
Yeah.
You know, The Bachelor is actually pretty legit.
Alex got me into it.
Oh, you know, those are the nights l'm gonna miss the most after eight years together, just me and her sitting around, doing nothing, giggling.
Oh, God.
Okay, look, if we're gonna live here together, you can't ever say stuff like that around me.
l'm telling you guys, l love being on my own.
l mean, l've been Alex and Dave for so long l forgot who Alex was, you know? l'm learning so much about her.
Who is she? Alex likes sleeping diagonal and drinking white zinny from a mug.
Wow.
You're really eat, pray, loving your way through this and it's very admirable.
l still don't get it.
l mean, what happened to you guys? This was taken, like, five months ago.
l wish l knew, Jane.
l mean, all of a sudden a romantic night was watching TV in our sweatpants, eating Chinese food, not talking.
So depressing.
Like depressingly sweet? Because that sounds like a couple that loves each other so much they don't even have to try anymore.
Yeah, but if you're not trying anymore, the relationship is dying.
lt's called love drift.
ls that a thing? l heard it in a book l read.
What now? Love drift? Ha, ha.
That just sounds- Ha, ha.
Ahem.
l have to go.
What? No, no, no, wait, come on, we're all hanging out.
lt's ladies' night.
Ladies' night, come on.
Let's all hang out together.
Yeah, l'm sorry, Brad and l are having a date night, so.
Sorry.
Don't do this.
l guess it's just you and me again.
Yeah.
But l have a great night planned for us.
l bet you do.
Since you and Dave broke up you've been planning so many amazing adventures lately.
You made me go to prom.
Are you happy now, Mom? Yes.
Oh.
Why don't we stay home and just watch The Bachelor? l signed us up for an awesome cooking class.
Great.
Cool.
Two single ladies out on a Friday night just chopping stuff and cracking things, whisking.
Yeah.
Janey, l'm home.
Janey, you parked weird again.
Told you about texting and parking.
Hey, babe, can you grab my weekend sweats? l didn't eat all day.
Gotta get my egg roll on.
You know how we do, Boo.
Eat some egg rolls.
Why aren't you in your soft pants? Let's go out.
What? No.
l worked 80 hours this week.
Let's focus.
Chinese food, Bachelor, sweatpants, go.
Come on.
Oh, whoa, wait, what are you doing? Living, okay? You focus.
Slacks, fancy.
Dinner, now.
Hold on, wait, am l in trouble or something? Because looking at someone's search history isn't always a reliable indicator of their Web habits.
l mean, a small typo on the word ''canal'' and you're in a whole different family of sites.
l know.
The same thing happened to me when l search for a pair of black Crocs.
l'm sorry? Okay, you're not in trouble.
l just feel like we haven't been connecting lately, that's all.
We connected twice this morning.
l mean, what more do you want from me, woman? l am just a human man.
l'm not talking about sex.
l'm talking about sharing about being spontaneous and romantic and Let's go to that place where we had our first date, okay? Okay.
l'm so hungry.
That'll be my room.
This is your room.
Playing pretty fast and loose with the term ''room,'' Max.
Sheets.
These are both fitted.
ls this how it's gonna be the whole time, bro? l'm sorry, l'm just used to living with Alex.
We had things a certain way.
You have to stop focusing on the stuff you had and start focusing on all the cool new stuff you have.
Those chairs are made out of barrels.
l know.
Now, let's embrace change, grab some slices of pizza, down these M.
Night Shyamalans and go out and celebrate your newfound singledom.
You're right.
You know what? You are right.
l know, l know.
l'm gonna go out tonight and l'm gonna get absolutely blackout drunk.
Yes.
Let's do it.
Maybe l'll meet somebody, you know? l could bring her back here, somehow convince her to have sex with me, on this soiled futon while you sleep nearby.
Sure.
l mean, chicks love a chubby guy sleeping on the floor.
lt reminds them of prom.
Couple months go by, surprise! Herpes! Surprise number two, she's preggos and loves cocaine.
You're going to dark places, turn it around.
No, we try to make it work for a while, but it's only a matter of time before she runs off with a roadie from Pantera.
Before you know it, l'm a single dad living in this torture porn warehouse with my cross-eyed baby, Mitchell.
lf we're gonna raise this baby together, l'm not in love with the name ''Mitchell.
'' Okay.
l can work on that.
People who care about food too much are weird.
There's always some strange sexual connotation to it.
Like l don't wanna hear about the mouth feel of your scallops.
Come on, this is exciting.
You and me, cooking.
Namaste, bitches.
Bam! My name, Chef Leslie LeFevre.
We are gonna do some intense cooking today.
l want you to be prepared.
Let's kick up the tunes and prep our station.
Wow.
What a douche.
Hey, l'm John.
Hey, Penny.
Listen, you seem great but the fact that you would come to a cooking class is kinda strike one.
My wife signed me up.
Oh, strike two and three.
Once we split up, she got the car, l got the cooking classes.
lt's too bad you have such a terrible lawyer, because l love cars.
Oh, man.
You know what l love about Steven Seagal? Everything? No one would ever even think about rollerblading into his wedding and stealing his fianc#.
No way.
You rollerblade into Seagal's wedding, you're rollerblading out with your own elbow in your ass.
Exactly.
l totally should have broke that dude's wrist, right when he 'bladed in.
Yeah.
That's my problem, man.
l've never been like Seagal.
l've always been more like- Zach Braff.
Exactly.
You thinking what l'm thinking? Up in the Air was overrated? What? No.
lt was.
Who's gonna believe that Clooney's gonna be alone at that age? But no, l'm saying we need to find the rollerblade guy and kick his ass.
Can l be real with you for a second? Please.
That is the greatest idea you've ever had.
Right? Yes.
l'm sick of being Braff, bro.
Yeah.
You with me? Yes, l am.
God.
l'm pumped up.
There's a storm a' coming! Oh, yeah, there is! He can't handle the truth.
No, he can't.
But l do not know where he lives, or anything about him, and you should not be driving.
l'm driving? l thought you were driving.
So it's gonna be 45 to an hour.
Okay, let's roll.
No, but wait, this place is special.
Come on, let's talk.
The time will fly right by.
Okay, fine.
What's up? Well, why don't you tell me your deepest fear? While we wait for a table at a restaurant? Okay, l'll start.
l guess my deepest fear is that you die first and our condo goes all Grey Gardens on me, and l spend the last decade of my life nursing a leg wound that won't heal and feeding stray cats from my mouth.
Yeah.
Your turn.
Wow.
Uh, all right, um, sharks.
What? No, come on, seriously.
Okay, fine, ghosts.
Of sharks.
Ghost sharks? Ghost sharks? Really? Yeah, it could happen.
What do we know about this guy? First name's Bo.
He's got a great physique.
Loves to rollerblade.
Chiseled features, kissable lips.
Max.
Just like a handsome dude in a classic sense.
Come on, that is not That's not helping.
Not helping you.
lt's helping my spank bank.
Wait, wait.
Alex said that they flirted a little at work.
l'll bet he did some work for her at her work, at her store.
Yes, like modeling or something physical, like roofing or maybe carrying me across a river.
Okay, so the secret to a good hollandaise is sensuality.
Oh.
Right.
And cumin.
l'm just gonna grab this right over here.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Okay.
Let me just pinch it, and we put it right in with our forefingers and then we just put it right back over here.
Oh, okay.
Okay, l like it right on the edge of the table.
Salt.
Ha, ha.
How much salt You've gotta grind it.
Penny.
You were right.
This is lame, let's get out of here.
What? No, l'm having fun.
What? He is an architect named John.
That is a top two job and my third favorite name, and come on, what are the chances l am gonna meet a point guard named Adam? Can l at least join you guys? Mm-mm.
Listen, listen, l'll be your wingman.
No.
No, you are the worst wingman ever.
John, this is fun, right? To be honest, l usually never go out with Penny because all the cute guys always go home with her instead of me.
l mean, not that she goes home with a lot of dudes.
She's not slutty.
But she's not a prude, either.
Okay.
ln conclusion, she has a very healthy sexual curiosity.
What's wrong with you? So who turned you on to the class? Uh, my wife.
Well, ex-wife.
Wow.
That's the first time l've said that, ex-wife.
l'm so sorry.
Did you just split? Like a long time ago? Well, it was like a month ago.
This is the back door to Alex's store.
Real quick, real simple, simple B&E.
Whoa, man, what are you doing? What do you want me to do, Zach Braff, knock? l got the keys, man.
Well, then it's not a B&E.
Your arm's not even gonna reach.
Yes it is, l have huge arms.
No, you don't.
Especially the right one.
You got T-Rex arms.
Dave? Yeah, l can't find anything.
Are all the sizes out on the floor, or does Alex have any more in the back? Just go to the computer.
Dude, check it out, Bo Bazinski.
That's our man.
Lake Shore Advertising.
Get ready to French my mouth, his home address is on there.
l didn't realize he lived on Western.
l had a boyfriend who lived there.
He's in a biker gang.
You know, uh, we don't have to do this if you don't want to do it.
Just tell me one thing.
What would Seagal do in this situation? Well, l think it's pretty cut and dry he'd fly over to Bo's house on an eagle, leap through the front window, tear his throat out, use it as a dream catcher and then ride away on a polar bear.
Just tell me one more thing.
Do you want the truth? l want the truth.
You can't handle the truth.
Did you order the Code Red? You're damned right l did! Why is that something that you do? lt just feels right.
Let's go.
Let's play a game.
Where do you see us in five years? ls that a game? Mm-hm.
Where's our food? Answer the question, babe.
All right, five-year plan.
Uh, let's see, nicer house, nicer car, kids, maybe a robot if that's an option by then.
Okay, here we go, Oh, come on.
They got here like 20 minutes after us.
This is totally because we're black on blonde.
You're not taking this seriously at all.
Taking what seriously, huh? This ridiculous ''Cosmo'' quiz you're walking me through? l don't think it's ridiculous that l want us to be together forever and get buried next to each other and that maybe a tree will grow between our grave and that two kids will have their first kiss under that tree.
Does that sound ridiculous to you? Yeah, it does.
Why are there two kids kissing in a graveyard? l don't know.
Maybe they're really big Twiligh# fans or maybe they're just in love, Brad.
No! My duck confit.
We're sorry.
We're so sorry.
And you know what the worst part is you're not just losing this person that you've fallen in love with, you're losing your best friend too, right? Totally.
That has been the hardest part for me for sure.
lt's that person that you check in with at the end of every night.
You know, sometimes God closes a door and then he opens up his heart.
Maybe l should call her.
Should l call her? l don't know.
There's no rules in this situation.
l'm sorry, l gotta go.
l'm sorry.
lf you love her, you set her Whatever.
Ugh, way to go, Goose.
You ready? Oh, yeah.
Bo Bazinski, prepare to meet your maker.
The river will run red with your blood and l will rip your spine out and use it as a loofah! ls Bo here? Bo hasn't had friends over in so long.
Uh-huh.
What do we do now? How do we do this with his mom here? lt doesn't matter.
She'd better get on board.
My vengeance knows no age.
Here we are, boys.
Have fun.
Thanks, Mrs.
B.
Great meeting you.
Bye.
l can do this, right? Yes, of course.
Now get in there, and let's finish this.
Sweet line, dude.
lf it works.
Let's do this! You can't handle the truth Bo? Do l know you guys? You don't remember me, huh? Are we Facebook friends? Oh, man, if by ''Facebook'' you mean his wedding and by ''friends'' you mean no, the opposite of that word.
Oh, good God, it's you, bro.
That's right, bro.
l have wanted to talk to you for such a long time.
l did a terrible thing to you, and l am so, so sorry.
Uh, l wasn't expecting that.
No.
Oh, that looks great.
l'm just gonna grab this baster.
Come on, he was clearly not over his wife.
You deserve so much better than that.
Besides, tonight wasn't about meeting guys, it was ladies' night, right? Hey, Meredith Vieira, how many ladies' nights can you have? ln the last week, you have dragged me to a karate pilates class, you made me test drive a Yaris and talked me into seeing a children's production of #air which thankfully got shut down before the second act.
Wait.
What about the tour of Andrew Lloyd Webber's house? You loved that.
lt was a Frank Lloyd Wright house, and no, l didn't love it because you kept asking the tour guide which room he wrote Phantom of the opera in.
Because he wouldn't give me an answer.
This is so not about you wanting to hang out with me.
This is about you not being able to handle the fact that you're alone since your breakup, and that's fine but please just admit it and stop dragging me along on these terrible activities.
We should have just stayed home and watched The Bachelor.
And to put the baster back- Get out of here.
Look, you say you wanna talk, talk to me.
What's going on? l just l don't wanna end up, like Alex and Dave, okay, and take each other for granted.
Oh, babe, come here.
Alex and Dave's problems had nothing to do with staying in or going out.
lt's not about where you are, it's who you're with.
We're good, right? l mean, starving, but good.
l love everything about you, even that scary little face you make when you sneeze.
l do not make a scary face when l sneeze.
You're the only person l know who sneezes with their eyes open.
You're like, ''Achoo.
Achoo.
'' Look, we're not Dave and Alex.
We're Brane and Jad.
Okay, wait, we need to get food in you right now.
Or Jad and Brane.
Okay.
l thought Alex was the love of my life, bro.
Turns out she thought l was just that guy who helped her with her direct mail campaign to local businesses.
l don't know, man, l just feel like l lost everything.
l know the feeling, bro.
Will you stick to the plan, Dave? But Alex made her choice, you know? You gotta move on.
We both do.
A wise man once told me, ''You can't focus on all the stuff that you have.
You gotta focus on all the cool new stuff that you have.
'' You're right.
You know, l guess it's because my dad left us when l was really young.
l've always been searching for love to, like, fill that dark void that Did you just hi-yucka me? Oh.
Dude, hi-yucka? You can be Braff all you want, but l'm Seagal all the time, baby.
Have you seen Seagal recently? He looks like Mario Batali.
l hurt my wrist so bad.
Come on, Max.
l'm gonna throw up.
l'm gonna puke.
Max, get yourself together, would you? You didn't even hit the guy.
Hey, man.
Hey, hey! l'm really sorry.
l'm sorry.
My My Ah! Hey.
Listen, l'm sorry about what l said.
l didn't mean it.
Yes, you did.
But you were right.
l was? Yeah.
l mean, l've been dragging you around, treating you like my replacement Dave.
But l haven't been alone in, like, Come on, Al.
Okay, you're not alone.
Okay? You have all of us.
lt's just you really gotta edit your activity choices.
You're right.
Okay? Okay.
Although in fairness, that Yaris was a lot of car for the price.
MAN Good friends are really hard to find.
They gotta be there foryou, even when you're wrong.
But at the same time, they can't #ust tell you what you wanna hear.
They've also gotta be willing to tell you what you need to hear.
That's the real reason true love's so hard to find because the basis oflove is friendship, and friendship is really, really rare.
That's why I'm giving my second rose to my best friend on the show so far.
Krista G.
, will you accept this rose? When I'm with you, babe, it doesn't matter where we are.
Rough night? No.
No, it was all right.
You? Yeah, it was all right.
There was this really funny chef, ha, ha.
Hey.
Zip it.
l mean, Tanya B.
's getting hosed out of a rose over here.
Wow.
l'm invested.
l hope you realize that Tanya B.
was not even there for him.
She went to the fantasy suite with him.
To have sex with him.
To make love.
lt's different.
Ugh.
Don't let me fall asleep tonight.
l think l have a concussion.
Now, the perp came in through the back, but he had a key so it's definitely an inside job.
Probably someone you know.
So, Alex, l've just got one question for you.
How well do you know, uh, this guy? Yes! Ha, ha.
l told you, bro.
lt's way harder to be a black dude.
Uh, in your face.
Being a gay dude's easy.
Smell that? Ah, racism.