Harley Quinn (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

[SCARECROW.]
Oh, crazy about Joker and Harley.
I heard they tried an open relationship thing, which everybody knows only works for gay men.
Your idle gossip distracts me from my master plan.
Break the Batman.
Punish Gotham for its transgressions, and stand atop the mountain of skulls left in my wake.
- Anyway, I heard Harley - [JOKER.]
Morning.
- How are you? - Fine.
Why wouldn't I be? Because Harley dumped you.
- You know? - People are saying that Harley dumped me? [LAUGHING MENACINGLY.]
Please! You know what? I don't even care.
I wish her well.
[HARLEY.]
Ivy, no rush, but Howie Mandel's only showing how to turn Thanksgiving leftovers into an entire nativity scene.
Oh, my God! Wait, what? [POISON IVY.]
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
Next, I'm gonna show you how to make a mashed potato Virgin Mary.
But first, [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
please welcome my, uh, surprise co-host.
Uh, you know him as the clown prince of crime.
- Let's give it up for the Joker! - [AUDIENCE GASPING.]
[LAUGHING.]
- Shit! - Damn it.
- Ooh.
- Get ready, America.
Howie's got something he's dying to tell you.
- [AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Not Howie! You know what's stupid? Me, for playfully implying on yesterday's show that the celebrity villain couple, formerly known as "JoQuinn" is no more.
Thanks, Howie.
When I dumped poor, sad, what's her name - She's right over here.
- Frank.
I promised I would respect her wishes to drift into the darkness of total anonymity.
And for the record, our couple name was - "Joker".
- Oh, that liar trying to blow up the cleanest and nicest talk show host in television! Just ignore him.
He's baiting you.
It's not worth getting angry over.
Sorry, but that's all the time we have today, Howie.
And speaking of time, yours is running out.
- [AUDIENCE SCREAMING.]
- I need a very brave wardrobe girl! - [LAUGHING VICIOUSLY.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Jesus, Harls.
This is why I don't put the good TV out.
Good TV? Where you hiding that bad boy? If he thinks I'm just gonna fade away into obscurity, he doesn't know what's coming.
Who cares? You're doing great.
You got a killer new outfit, you started meditating.
I haven't started yet.
I just downloaded the app.
That's a first step.
You're a strong, independent woman who doesn't care what other people think.
Right! Who cares what Joker and his stupid Legion of Doom buddies think.
- Exactly! - Preach! Hell, I'll show them in person how little I care.
What? No.
What are you doing? - Logging into Joker's calendar.
- Oh, God, we're off the rails.
No, let it play out.
Oh, hey, there's a party at the Gotham Mint with the Legion of Doom guys tomorrow! Oh, if he wants to fuck with me in public, I will fuck right back! - Please do not do this.
- Please do that shit.
I'm just gonna show those guys how awesome I'm doing without him.
It'll be so fun! And you can meet a hot guy and use your cool love potion.
This isn't a love potion.
It's my distilled pheromones.
It makes men infatuated with me and then kills them by turning them into plants.
[BOTH.]
Right, a love potion.
- Please come with me.
Please! - No.
- Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
- Stop.
- Frank, shut up.
Saying no again.
- Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
What? Stop saying "do it".
[FRANK AND HARLEY CHANTING.]
Do it, do it, do it.
- Fine.
- [FRANK.]
Yes.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- Oh, shit.
Howie exploded.
- [IVY AND FRANK.]
No! - Not Howie.
- Joker, you son of a bitch! - That's my phone, uh [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ROARING.]
- [MAN COUGHS.]
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
[MAN CLEARS THROAT.]
[ROARING.]
Did you know that this party was for children? I do now.
Although, technically, one boy becomes a man today.
Are you one of the dancers for my nephew's bar mitzvah? Jesus, Harley! [LAUGHING.]
Rock bottom came fast as the Joker dumped you.
Uh, she dumped him, and you smell like shrimp shit.
Excuse us.
- We should leave.
- No, no, no, no, no.
All the Legion bigwigs are here.
I came to show 'em how great I'm doing and I am gonna! This isn't your coming out party.
It's a 13-year-old boy's coming out party.
Look, a lot of people made a name for themselves at parties.
Bane, he decided to blow up Gotham Stadium during Trivia Night.
- [BANE.]
Oh, the Dallas Cowboys.
- Incorrect.
The Steelers have won the most games at Gotham Stadium.
I'm gonna blow up Gotham Stadium.
Fine, just don't leave me alone.
Or some like D-list villain will hit on me or ask to do a heist with me and the longer we wait Okay, she's gone.
[WHISPERING.]
Kite Man.
What? What was that? Whoa.
[LAUGHS.]
Did I just hear the wind say "Kite Man?" I think you're alone in that.
Hell yeah! Good God.
I need a permit for a trap door? The whole point is no one is supposed to know about it! Especially the City.
I need this lair rebuilt now.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Knock, knock, who's there? It's me, Joker.
You will never guess who's at the bar mitzvah.
Jesus, Bane! I don't have time for a guessing game.
Hang on.
Those shoes have black soles! Put plastic booties on.
Harley is at Penguin's nephew's bar mitzvah.
She crashed the stupid thing? Yeah, seems like she's doing pretty well.
Brought a tiger.
Pretty cool.
What? Anyone can buy a tiger.
You know she has HPV, right? Most sexually active adults do.
Shut up! I'm on my way.
[HARLEY.]
Uh-oh! Who are these troublemakers? Nah, I'm just kidding.
I know it's you, Scarecrow, Two-Face, other half of Two-Face, [IMITATING BANE.]
Bane.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
I'm going to blow up this bar mitzvah.
Quinn, great to see you.
Where you been hiding? On your left, where you can't see shit.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
So, guess who has a plan to finally get rid of Batman? Ya girl.
[JOKER.]
Look who's' trying to run before she can crawl.
[ALL LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
Mazel tov! - Jesus.
- Glad you're here, J-Man.
Pull up a chair.
Doesn't bother me.
So, who's goin' beef and who's goin' chicken? You are going somewhere else.
Because this is the Legion of Doom table! Why don't you go find the Crazy Bitch table? Spoiler: It's not a real table.
- That was implied! - [GROANING.]
Who wants to ditch this jester and tear up Gotham with me? [LAUGHS MENACINGLY.]
Laugh.
Laugh with me.
[ALL LAUGHING NERVOUSLY.]
You know what? Who needs ya? This table's too far away from the dance floor anyway.
Ugh, can you believe those assholes? You know what? I don't need 'em.
I'll sit with you guys.
Uh, no.
This is the Joshua best friends' table.
Unless, you're the girl that Joshua fingerbanged at Camp.
If I said yes, would you let me sit here? Trick question.
Joshua has never fingerbanged anyone.
Ha! So, Ivy-Ivy-Bo-Bivy.
Um, let me ask you a personal question.
Have you ever seen Gotham Central Park - From the sky? - From the sky! Yeah, you get it.
Okay, you know, I was thinking, you and I should do a heist together.
Uh, you know what? I'm just really kinda worn out from all the heist stuff.
It's just kinda hard being such a weak woman and whatnot.
Yeah.
I bet.
Um, but, hey, I'll do all the heavy-lifting.
You don't have to break a nail.
It'll be a breeze.
- Breeze.
- Yeah.
It's just 'cause my powers are wind-based.
You don't have powers! You just have a kite like every kid in every park across the world.
And she doesn't want to do a heist with you 'cause you're stupid! - Do you think I'm stupid? - I mean, don't you? These assholes always pretended to be my friends.
But they're really just [SCREAMING.]
assholes! They think I am not in their league, [SCREAMING.]
but they don't know shit! Hi, girls.
So glad you could come.
I know we're all evil here, but maybe we could put a little sugar on that salty language, you know, for the kids.
Sorry, Mrs.
Cobblepot.
Yeah, never again.
Sorry.
Dude, we got to get the fuck out of here.
Hell, no.
I'm not giving up.
I'll show these Legion guys I can do something not even they can! [HARLEY.]
What's one thing in this room, none of them ever had the balls to try? - [POISON IVY.]
The fruit salad? - [SNEEZES.]
Even worse.
I'm gonna rob the Gotham Mint.
Oh.
No cuts! All right, Stop.
Let's get real for a second.
The Gotham Mint is impenetrable.
They're so confident, they rented the atrium out to the Legion of Doom.
Look, I'm doing this thing, all right? - What if Batman shows up? - I'll kill him.
- Where's the getaway car? - I'll steal one.
- Where will you put all the money? - Look around.
Every kid's wearing a backpack.
Gah! Look, Ivy, all the reasons you said it can't work are exactly the reasons I gotta do it! They might not like me, but they will respect the shit out of me.
All right, fine.
Just go.
Go steal the money.
Just do me one favor, okay? Don't leave me alone here, because Oh! Party's a drag, huh? [RASPY VOICE.]
I really should quit, but, I just can't.
Go away, fragile child.
Hey, how about we ditch this shindig and sneak into a PG-13 movie? [ALL GRUNTING.]
My love potion? I stole your juice and I gave it to these kids.
- Hell yeah! - You're an idiot.
Ooh, you mispronounced "genius".
No, that potion makes people fall in love with me and then kills them.
- What? - Yes! What did you think, you kite-fucking freak? My name is Poison Ivy.
Damn! See, this is why I stick to the kites.
So simple.
Ha! [HARLEY GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
The vault must be around here somewhere.
[YELPS.]
Bingo.
- [GRUNTS.]
- [GRUNTING IN PAIN.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GUARD SCREAMING.]
[HARLEY GRUNTS.]
We gotta get an antidote before these kids die.
It's in my apartment across town, so we need to get there quick.
Quick as a kite? - Oh, God.
- Weather permitting.
Fine, hit the button.
Is it raining out? It looked a little overcast when I came in.
Oh, shut the fuck up.
Let's go.
look at my phone here.
No, I think we're good.
[GIRL SCREAMING.]
Ugh! My chicken is rubbery.
Mmm, your beef looks good.
Uh, fine.
Ah, ah, I might finish that.
Oh, well, then, what are we doing? Hey, everybody, let's give it up for Joshua's bar mitzvah, huh? [ALL APPLAUDING.]
It was very special for me.
It was when I realized it was my dream to become a crime lord.
- [ALL.]
Aw.
- [SNIFFLES.]
So today, I force that dream on to you.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
[GUARD WINCING IN PAIN.]
[PENGUIN.]
Okay, Joshua Get ready for your first caper.
Good luck fighting off the guards, also known as Gotham Chucklehut's finest improvisers and stealing that cash-ola, otherwise known as Joshua Bucks? Oh, no! Go, Joshua Oh, my God! Hey, Joshy, mazel tov.
- [MAN SCREAMING.]
- [LAUGHING MENACINGLY.]
This is fantastic.
You're probably not laughing because this is sort of how you screw up.
[BANE GROANS.]
- You ruined the bar mitzvah.
- [CROWD BOOING.]
- And crippled an improv troupe! - Meh.
Well.
And that's our show, folks! - I got this.
- [GUN COCKING.]
Say good night, puddin'.
You think [PANTING.]
this is gonna [VOICE BREAKING.]
stop me? [JOKER LAUGHS.]
She even sounds like you.
Oh, I don't think Do I sound like [BANE.]
You never hear your own voice, I guess.
- [LAUGHING MENACINGLY.]
- [HARLEY GROANS.]
Sometimes, I just fly to have a quiet place to think.
You know, just really let my thoughts just run wild.
Thoughts? Plural? [POISON IVY.]
All right, I'll get the antidote.
And you know, just don't, like, touch anything.
Uh [MUTTERING.]
All right, let's boogie.
Kite Man? Oh, no.
Kite Man.
Hell yeah! What are you doing? Getting ready to have sex.
Why? Because after a great date, you usually have sex.
[LAUGHING.]
Sorry, sorry.
I was gonna say something, but I wanted to see how all this played out.
- Oh, shut up, Frank.
- Ooh! I'm gonna need you to put your clothes back on because this was not a date.
Excuse me, if this wasn't a date, why did you bring me back to your place? For the antidote! Oh, I thought that was just a line.
- Why would I use a line on you? - I don't know! I mean why would you even have me come? I mean, a cab would've been faster.
You know it, I know it, we all know it.
Jesus, get dressed.
[HEART BEATING.]
["HAVA NAGILA" PLAYING.]
Cut the song.
No Horah for Harley.
Hey, it's gonna take more than a souped up parasol to keep me from kicking your ass, you fat flightless bird.
The mouth on her.
What better way to become a man than by Ooh, than touching your umbrella? Whoo.
Yes, I've been waiting for this! Any last words before I kill your dumb blonde, stupid, smelly [WHISPERING.]
That's too many adjectives.
idiot ass? Hey, Joshua, make sure you aim it directly at my head, 'cause you don't want to miss in front of your friends and family.
I won't miss.
I don't know.
That trembly finger's telling a different story.
It's not trembly.
I just I've never shot an umbrella before.
I bet there are a lot of things that you've never done like drunk a beer.
I drunk a beer, like all the time.
I always drunk beers.
I bet you still believe in Santy Claus.
I don't! I'm Jewish and today, I'm a man.
Oh, that's right, I forgot I'm talking to a newly grown man.
I mean, after all, you've already fingerbanged somebody.
[CROWD GASPS.]
- Wait, what? - I mean, you have, haven't you? You didn't lie about such an important milestone, right? - Yeah, it happened.
- Are you sure? [STUTTERING.]
I I don't know.
- So, um, obviously, I misread some signals.
- [POISON IVY.]
Mm-hmm.
I hope me taking off my clothes didn't come across as Creepy? It did.
It didn't.
Did.
Right.
Yeah, no.
I apologize.
It's just, I have never been alone with a woman of your caliber.
- Oh, you don't have to - Your eyes, your smile Your silky, shimmering Oh, God.
You know what? Strong woman osity? The [STUTTERS.]
I'm gonna be quiet for a while.
[POISON IVY.]
You know, it is kind of cool seeing the park from the sky.
I mean, when you're not talking, and we're just kinda soaring majestically, you're not so bad.
Hell yeah.
Oh, shit.
Something's going on down there.
[STUTTERING.]
I I don't know.
It was at camp, at night.
It was me and her and it was dark.
I definitely did something.
Oh, Joshy.
Do you really think you're ready to kill someone if you've never even finger blasted a girl? [GRUNTS.]
You're right.
I'm not ready.
- [JOSHUA SOBBING.]
- [CROWD GASPING.]
I told you we should've gotten him the dollhouse like he asked, Oswald.
It's not a doll house! It's an army base with sound effects of real screams and it's the only thing I wanted! - You're dead, Quinn.
- [GUN COCKING.]
- [GLASS SHATTERING.]
- [GRUNTING.]
[GROANING.]
Hell, yeah! Hey, did they do cake yet? Not yet.
[GROANS.]
I though that was gonna be way cooler.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Harley! You're not a solo act.
You're a sidekick, an afterthought.
No one is ever going to take you seriously.
Admit you're nothing without me and you walk away alive.
Or you can die.
[LAUGHING MENACINGLY.]
Well, easy choice.
Uh, lovely bar mitzvah.
Mazel, mazel.
- Are you leaving? - Ha, no.
I ain't admitting shit! Boys? - I got Two-Face.
- I got Scarecrow.
I, um Oh, dear God.
Oh, wow.
[GRUNTING.]
You're looming.
Um, all right, well, I'll take, um If you don't mind, if you could scooch just a little.
Boom! On-site coordinator.
Looking kinda brittle there.
Won't see it comi [GRUNTING.]
I wanna go home.
[LAUGHING.]
[SHRIEKING.]
Ive, gun! Got it.
Hey! [SCREAMING.]
[CROWD SCREAMING.]
Let's get out of here.
No, let's fight.
Maybe Kite Man can help.
[GRUNTING.]
Bane! Quit dicking around with Kite Man and get those two.
But he was attacking me.
With what? A kite? Just do what I tell you, you dumb, freakish monster.
Bane, why are you letting him talk to you like that? In fact, why do any of you let him talk to you like that? He doesn't even have powers! His only power is bullying you into doing what he wants.
I should know.
He did it to me for years.
Don't listen to her.
She's nothing! She makes a good point.
I don't like how you called me a monster.
- Yeah, that was pretty harsh.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God! It's just an expression.
Also, let's talk about dinner.
I selected the beef well in advance and you stole it from me.
You said you didn't even want to come to this "stupid thing".
- [CROWD GASPS.]
- [BANE.]
My feelings exactly.
This is a monumental night for young Joshua.
I'm the Joker, all right? I was joking, okay? Oh, my God! I'll kill Harley myself.
Ivy, if you could just, you know, move over, so I could just kill your friend.
Absolutely.
Over my dead body.
Ugh! Female friendships.
Ha! [SNARLING.]
[YELPS.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Hold on.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm getting a cell call from my contractor.
What? This is the Joker.
Come again.
Yeah, whatever.
What do you mean they're not going to start till 10:00? Ugh! Can you believe this? They're calling it a residential zone.
It's an abandoned amusement park at the end of a rotting pier! [GASPS.]
I'll, uh Yeah, coming over right now.
Let's put a pin in this.
You understand.
[CHUCKLES.]
- So, are we good to leave now? - Yeah.
I can't believe you talked me into coming to this.
Don't forget your party favors.
[BOTH.]
Thank you, Mrs.
Cobblepot.
Aw, such sweet girls.
So, do you realize now that you don't have to prove to anyone how awesome you are? Yes, except for the Legion of Doom.
I need to get into the Legion of Doom.
What? After all of this, why would you wanna be a part of that club? Those guys are such dicks.
No, not all of 'em.
When we were leaving, Bane said, "You go, girl!" No, he distinctly said, "Ooh, Go-GURT.
Ooh, what, they had Go-GURT? Oh, man.
Ivy, listen.
Anyone who is a respected supervillain is in the Legion of Doom.
That's when you know you've made it.
If Joker can get in, so can I! So that is what I'm gonna do.
What you need to do is get these 13-year-old boys out of this apartment.
They're starting to take root.
Ah! Okay, boys.
So, I got the antidote to turn you back into humans, okay? But the only effective way of doing it is when my saliva interacts with your saliva.
So, is this a kiss? No, it's not a kiss.
It is an antidote delivery system and nothing more.
You will still be sexless nerds by the time the night is over, okay? And Yuck.
This is procedural, okay? Yeah, I kissed you already, buddy.
Yeah, I'm still a little bit tree.
- Yeah, fuck off, get out of here.
- Yeah, fuck off, kid.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]