HarmonQuest (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Spencer: Last time on "HarmonQuest" A toast, gentlemen A toast.
To the Demon Seal.
- And the Festival - of Restoration.
I am being pursued by a group of cultists, and either you need to help me or we'll all die! Guys, runestone! Spencer: The Demon Seal.
Its runes begin to glow, - and you witness - a tear in space form, And through the tear flows a torrent of evil spirits.
Those guys are gonna resurrect the Great Manticore.
They'll almost certainly destroy the world.
You see, my brother, Dunnun, he guards the second runestone, and you must warn him.
What the We are the worst at this.
- Spencer: Since the dawn - of the 1970s, Fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
Welcome back to "HarmonQuest.
" I am Dan Harmon.
The real star, our Game Master, Spencer Crittenden.
Our regular role-players, Erin McGathy, Jeff B.
Davis.
And our very exciting guest role-player for this chapter of our HarmonQuest, the lovely Chelsea Peretti.
[cheers and applause.]
Chelsea, do you have any experience at all with fantasy role-playing games? Uh, not games.
Um, I [laughter.]
No, my brother used to play Dungeons & Dragons.
- Am I allowed - to say that here? - You're allowed to say - your brother used to play it.
Just don't imply we're playing it here.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah, so he used to play that, - and I always kind of - wanted in, But I was the younger sister, - and I couldn't play - and stuff.
- Like, him and all - his friends would play.
They were really cool Leather jackets, cigarettes.
[laughter.]
You were like, "These guys are the guys.
" - They were cool.
- "This is the Wild Bunch.
" I was like, "They're so smart," you know? - Wow.
- But I never got to play, So this is like me kind of fixing my childhood.
Yeah.
- Looking back, - were they actually Cool guys - in leather jackets - Or was that you just projecting - that on teenager boys? No, no, no, that was 100% a joke.
[laughter.]
I wanted to believe that so bad.
But just to we'll just acquaint you with this process.
Like, role-playing games, it's sort of an interactive storytelling around a table with a god/referee, who has dice and rules that indicate whether the things you say you want to do succeed or fail.
Do all those die come into play, every single one? Uh, it's mostly just decoration.
Set dec.
All right, without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
You're on the road to Stonesaw Mines, the local dwarven settlement located in and throughout the Stonesaw Mountains.
You recall the chief saying that the dwarves enjoy a merry life, farming, mining, smithing, - and ferrying people - through their tunnels, Thanks to the dwarves' direct service mine cart lines to Freshport.
- But as you near - the village entrance, The normally hidden mountain entrance is wide open, - and seated - right on the threshold Is a wounded dwarf woman wearing blood-stained rags.
That's you.
Oh, hello.
Hello to you.
Are you okay? - What? - Well, no.
Because there was a horrible thing that happened, and it was my whole You know what, I - Here, just - You seem hysterical.
I'm not, but I should be for what I've been through.
Um, there was this red abomination.
You know what I'm talking about.
Swept through my village.
Tons of ghosts, and everyone's freaking out.
- Our village - was wiped out too.
- Old woman - Are you old? Um, I guess.
- You're covered in blood.
- I can't tell.
You might be quite young.
I'm a goblin.
Tact is not my thing.
I'm a monk.
You're a monk? Yeah.
Can I ask how old? Is that rude? What is your name? It's Deepak Chopra.
Are you wounded? Is that your blood or somebody else's? Yeah, I think it's both.
Can I use my healing amulet to heal Deepak Chopra's wounds? Certainly.
Using your healing amulet, you heal seven damage of wounds.
Whoo, I feel seven better.
Thank you.
Deepak, uh, can We need to get to Freshport to talk to our chief's brother about protecting the second runestone.
Notes.
Ahh.
[cheers and applause.]
Now who's an alcoholic? Okay, follow me.
Clop-clop, clop-clop.
You really ought to see somebody about that.
So you guys made this whole place out of caves.
- Why do you think - I wear blankets? It's drafty as fuck.
- Take us to Freshport, - Deepak.
Yes, follow me.
Right this way, gents.
Clop-clop, clop-clop.
Spencer: Passing through the main entry hall, you enter a round chamber lit by torches.
You see food, plates and mugs scattered along the floor and upturned tables as well as many corpses Oh! - Spencer: Mutilated bodies - and skeletons.
- You see scorch marks - marring the walls, And the smell of ash is potent in the air.
I get distracted, and I start pulling out the bones and making little sculptures.
She seems well, mentally.
- This must be - difficult for you.
This is exactly the kind of scene that we came from, - with different - backgrounds though, 'Cause it's high production value.
I don't feel that sad, but I also do want vengeance just 'cause of my loyalty to the geographic location.
I pull O'Shift and Zoobag over to the side.
I go I say, uh She's the only survivor.
Are we sure that she didn't - Like, she wasn't, like, kind of - an inside job on this thing? - Well, how many times - do we have to learn To trust crazy women that we come across? I'm standing here.
I know, what I cackle maniacally.
- [cackles maniacally.]
- She seems fine to me.
See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
What's disturbing is that she describes herself cackling maniacally, - like When we found her, she was covered in blood.
- Right.
- So And she did say she kind of missed the conflict.
I'm gonna trust her.
I would like a female friend.
I'm gonna keep a wary eye on this Deepak Chopra.
Your wary eye also detects one of the statuettes made of bones starting to shift and rearrange itself into a fully bipedal skeleton creature.
Oh, no, my work! Spencer: It starts lurching towards you.
- Let's fight this thing, - but first Just stop making shit out of bones.
I approach the statue, and I use my weapon of punch.
[laughter.]
- Well, that's just - That's just a physical No, I understand, but it is listed under "weapon," so That's, uh I stand corrected.
You clock it right in the sternum, dealing five damage.
The sternum flies out.
- Can I catch it? - Well, it flies out The opposite direction of your punch.
- Chase it down! - Can I catch it? - I got it, I got it.
- Yeah! That's a six, eight and eight.
All right, Deepak and Boner catch the rib cage.
I walk over, and I present to Buer O'Shift, I go, here's a We got this I know you like bones.
Ah, thank you.
- Are there any exits - to this room? Right ahead of you, large archway made of stone.
- I sneak forward toward it, - and I look through.
- Spencer: - You see what looks like - Some sort of - security checkpoint.
There's large stone barriers, bars, and also some sort of window or counter.
- It looks kind of like - a ticketing counter.
- Okay, so what's beyond - that booth? Spencer: Train tracks and dwarven ghosts wearing mining helmets.
Their shimmering translucent forms enter one of the mine carts and then kind of whiz down the track into a tunnel.
Hey, Deepak, how do we get through? It look I mean A lot of times when you build a cave, - you leave - a little loose stone, - Like a little stone - that you can pull up, - And there's a little - tunnel under there.
What do you call those? Tunnels.
Okay, guys, split up.
Look for tunnels.
We look, we look.
Spencer: With your 15 checks, you spy one of the small tunnels that the dwarves use to kinda get around security barricades.
It's right under the ticketing window.
- Is it small enough - for us to get through? - It's big enough - for you to get through.
I mean, that's what I meant.
Oh! Is it big enough for all of us to get through? Not at once.
- I turn on my Everlight Torch, - and I go through the tunnel.
- Spencer: - You enter the tunnel, - And you just pop out - the other side Where the mine carts and the tracks are.
I turn my torch off.
I use a regular old torch.
I light it, I take one of my three torches, and my flint and steel.
I guess I should talk about taking out my flint and then my steel.
I assume I rub the flint on the steel.
- I roll my eyes, - and I go through the tunnel.
- Spencer: You do that.
- Fondue, you don't need it.
- It's just a short tunnel.
- You can get right through here.
- Well, you used - some kind of torch.
- That was unnecessary, - it turns out.
Okay, but you're not gonna fart on me or anything.
I fart into the tunnel, and try my best to conjure up a fart in the impression of Fondue's distant father, - who left him - when he was young.
All right, 15.
Uh, yeah.
15 is a good fart.
You let it rip.
I drop to my knees and I crawl forward, muttering It's messed up when the person that's supposed to protect you is the one that hurts you.
- And I get out - the other side, And I'm crying, - and I say You nailed it.
Deepak, are you coming? Yeah, I was waiting for the fart to clear.
- Then I go into - the tunnel and You pass through unhindered.
- You see several - long metal levers - That seem to control - the tracks.
I look around the levers to see if there's any labels.
Nope.
[laughs.]
Labels.
Idiot! Spencer: Plus the tracks split off into three sections, - each going down - a separate tunnel.
There are several mine carts that seem to be locked up.
I jump into a mine cart.
Spencer: You do that.
- I jump into hers.
- Spencer: Okay.
- I take, uh I take - How many are there? Three, apparently.
Okay, I take Which one did you guys take? - Yeah, the one that - was closest.
I get in the middle one.
Spencer: Okay.
Can we reach the levers from inside the cart? - No.
- I get out of the cart, I go over - to the left lever, And I pull it.
Spencer: You pull it.
You hear a metal clunk.
God damn it.
Now get in the cart.
Maybe your weight will carry the cart forward.
Noted.
[laughter.]
- I gotta say, - at the Festival of Restoration, You were hitting those snack stands pretty hard, man.
The thing is it's plaids.
I was saying any weight.
I wasn't saying This is not a personal attack on you.
Are we in the game? In a way.
I mean, she's half-elf.
You're a gremlin.
Goblin.
Wow.
Fucking gremlin.
Just racist kind of what? If it had to do with weight, - it would have - She would have - Like, it's not - Okay.
She would have what? Uh-oh! You're you're - Okay, you guys - get in the cart.
I'll try pushing it.
You guys get in there, - and I'll try - giving you a push.
Anything to get him out, right? So I'm getting back into the left cart with her.
- [stammering.]
- Boneweevil.
- Boneweevil is - getting out of his cart And pushing our cart.
- I'm pushing their cart - to see if it moves.
I jump Oh, sorry, go ahead.
No, no, you go ahead.
Well, I was gonna But you're pushing their cart? - You didn't get into - your own cart? No, I'm pushing their cart - to see if we can get - this thing rolling.
I'm sorry, with the bar, you pushed the bar and nothing happened? We heard a clunk.
- Right, okay.
- A clunk happened.
- Anybody hear where - that clunk came from? - Half-elf, - you've got pointy ears.
Does the are they pointy 'cause they are sharper? [chuckles.]
Are they pointy because they are sharper? Uh Wordplay.
- Yeah.
- [chuckles.]
Elves.
- Is there a brake system - on the carts? - The carts have - levers internally, yes.
Okay, try your internal levers on the cart.
I try the internal lever.
Oh, man.
You do that and immediately the cart starts rolling.
Boneweevil! Spencer: No, not fast though.
Just, you know, just Boneweevil.
- I'm walking up - alongside of it.
- I jump into the cart.
- As do I.
Spencer: You all pile into the cart as it rolls off.
It starts to whip around.
You can see below you dwarven farms, and you can also see other train tracks suspended high above the farms about 20 feet off.
You can hear more mine carts than just your own rolling down these tracks.
I start beatboxing using those sounds as part of a tapestry of rhythm.
[beatboxing.]
Spencer: - It weaves merrily - Into the tapestry of rhythm - around you.
On those train tracks you can see another mine cart full of dwarven ghosts.
They're talking in Dwarven.
I speak Dwarven.
You speak Dwarven? It's on the sheet.
I don't even Do I speak anything? You just speak Common and Orc.
- Are you jealous - about that or Insecure.
I don't know if jealous.
Can I hear the ghosts talking from there? Oh, yeah.
I listen carefully to the dwarven ghosts.
Spencer: They're saying That's not good.
Guys, I got bad news and I got worse news.
Are they happy - to see us? - Uh, yes.
- That's the bad news.
The worse news is they want to kill us immediately.
How many are there? Spencer: Oh, there's three.
Three? Okay, well, we can take three ghosts.
- Does anyone know - how you defeat a ghost? I don't know.
I've never encountered a ghost before.
Can you ask them in Dwarven how to defeat them? Are they close to us? Spencer: They're 20 feet off.
[whistles.]
Dwarf ghosts, over here.
Spencer: Three pickaxes sail through the air towards Boneweevil.
The pickaxes impact the cart, but they don't hit anybody.
Composite longbow, when you tell me it's my turn.
All right.
You strike one directly in his ghostly chest.
I shout out in Orcish [shouting in Orcish.]
Spencer: Dealing two damage.
He doesn't seem too bothered.
Uh, I take two of the pickaxes - that have - flown into the cart, And I throw them at the dwarf ghosts.
[yells.]
- You can only throw - one at a time.
- It says "throw anything," - Spencer.
It doesn't say "all at once.
" All right.
You need to upgrade to "throw everything.
" Using my perception, I figure out which one's sharper.
I throw the sharper of the two pickaxes.
Spencer: You pick the sharpest one, and you fling it.
You strike the wounded ghost in the face with the pickax, dealing seven damage.
Yeah! I take one of the pickaxes out of the side of our cart, I tie my length of rope to it, and I swing around and round, and I try to throw it across the cart to see what happens.
[cheers and applause.]
Whirling around the pickax, you hurl it right into the track, and it catches fast.
The cart hits, and some sort of unseen dwarven safety precaution stops it immediately, safely.
What? - Unseen dwarven - safety precaution? - Wait, that's good.
- Yeah.
- We're moving forward.
- They're stopped.
Oh.
That's like them going away.
- Spencer: - And then you continue on To the end of the track.
The cart slows to a stop - right outside of - a large stone archway, With a reddish orange glow coming from within.
Uh, can we pop out of there and go peek in that little glowy area? Spencer: Yeah, you do that.
I do one of those, like, SWAT team things with my fingers, pointing at I'm pointing at things.
- Oh, you're, like, - going, like, - "This is the directions - we're going.
" - Well, I'm pointing, - and I go like - I'm going like - Like, I'm doing like - I'm doing, like, - numbers to you guys, And then I'm pointing at eyes, my eyes, and then your eyes.
And then I'm pointing at the red glow.
Yeah, yeah, that's good.
And then we all - I use my perception - to find out what he's doing.
Uh, he's you know, you can't figure that out.
Okay.
- I'm saying let's go - check out the - Yes.
- Okay, I got you.
You enter what seems to be a large smithing room.
- The walls glow - with orange lava, Visible through thick panels in the walls.
You see racks of shining new weapons.
Just careful.
Don't touch the blades.
They're very, very sharp.
I pick up one of the swords.
You pick up a silver short sword.
Its heft speaks to you.
I keep it.
- Is there a rapier - on the wall? - Oh, there is.
- I go up to the rapier, - And I look at it, - and I compare it to my rapier.
Is the rapier on the wall better than mine? - Oh, yeah, - it's got gold and shit.
Okay, I take that rapier, and I put mine down, - and I say, - "Good-bye, Juana.
" Its full name was "Juana Stab-a-Dude.
" Is there, um Is there, like, a shank? Does that exist in there? - You dig around - in the weapons crate, - And you find - Ow! Yeah.
You find a small stabbing implement.
Yes! I tuck it into my brassier.
- I look for - something comparable To my beloved - bastard sword.
Spencer: You find a comparable bastard sword.
This one made out of Orichalcum.
I take that bastard sword and replace my old one, whose name is John Its full name is John Sword.
Spencer: The furnaces burn brighter and brighter as you take the weapons.
They flare up angrily as a dark form coalesces in the room, - its long talons - glow white hot, And its vaguely feline red form looks to be made of compressed fire enveloped in acrid smoke.
- It's one of - the Arcane Horrors - That escaped from - the Demon Seal.
- It pounces on Deepak.
- Shit! Spencer: Pouring its smoky form into her mouth, ears and nose.
She begins convulsing.
Fire envelops your form and leaks from your eyes and smoke trails out of your mouth.
You seem to be possessed by some sort of monstrous demonous force.
Uh, sorry.
Were these yours? I take my sword and just put it on the ground.
I blow ten smoke rings in her face.
I chop, I chop at the feline red thing.
Who are you chopping? - My dad.
- Ahh! In a sense.
- Spencer: - You chop successfully, Cleaving directly into your newfound friend-turned-foe, dealing a boosted 18 damage.
- Sorry.
- Ahhh! It's like when your friend has a fly on their face.
Sorry.
You motherfucker.
Yeah, you're possessed by a demon now.
You want to attack anything.
Boom, I attack this guy.
I didn't do shit! I didn't do shit! I was just standing here.
I know, but I have trouble with intimacy.
Spencer: With a flurry of furious blows, her fists impact directly in your stomach, and flames burn into your body.
You feel your flesh burning as you take 11 damage.
Dang.
Godless Healing! Spencer: You regain eight health.
Healed myself.
Didn't use God.
[laughter.]
Uh, I'm going to go into a Barbarian Rage.
Spencer: Mm-hmm.
[singing gibberish.]
And I take out the short sword - that I put down - on the ground, That I'm going to name New Friend, and I start stabbing at the possessed Deepak.
Spencer: All right, you stab and you stab, but something about the ghost's smoky form seems to stave off your blows.
- I run, I run.
- What Fondue? It's a character development thing.
- Can I chase him? - Yeah, absolutely.
I would like to chase him, and while I'm doing that I'm singing a pop song.
- Just 'cause - that seems ominous.
- You know, - speaking as a producer, - What would be really ominous is, - like, a public domain thing, - Like "Turkey in the Straw" or - Yeah, like "Happy Birthday.
" - Anyways, focus.
- I'm running.
Spencer: You're running, and you're being caught up by Deepak.
- I'm singing - a nondescript song.
- I'm just like really scary - though, like, "Ahhh!" You're due to overtake Fondue.
- Is there anything - you want to do? I want to do, like, a pun, like, "Now I can dip" my bread in you, Fondue.
" [laughter.]
- Your pun lands great.
- I go off in pursuit, Wielding my new golden rapier that I've just purloined.
- Spencer: - All right, you do that.
You're closing on them.
- You're about ten feet away - at this point.
- Because I'm behind - Deepak right now, I come in and go right for the base of the spine with my new golden rapier.
That is where I stored my shank, - so it could deflect it.
- All right.
I just would like to propose that as an option.
That's on the table now.
All right.
All right, yeah, no, it bounces off the shiv.
Get the fuck [cheers and applause.]
[clang.]
I'm still in my Rage, - right? So everything's a little bit extra.
And I get real close Spencer: With your barbarian speed.
And I stab Deepak.
Or just want to propose an alternate option.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
You tap it on my shoulders and join my team.
I genuinely consider it 'cause I really just want to be a part of something.
- Yeah.
- But I knew them for longer, And I take the sword, and I jump up in the air, and as I'm jumping I wave my beautiful hair back and forth, and bones are flying out, and maybe one of them hits Zoobag in the face.
But it's sexy.
And then I stab Deepak.
- Spencer: - Leaping through the sky, You plant your blade deep in the base of Deepak's neck.
Oh! - Spencer: Black ichor - spills everywhere As you deal a boosted 14 damage.
[cheers and applause.]
Fire consumes the body of the dwarf, and it burns, burns away into ash as I chop the smoke, chop it.
- I sift through the ash - for bones.
There's no bones.
Aye! I deal a final blow to the smoke.
Okay.
I do a final maniacal laugh.
Yeah.
Thanks.
That's sort of my signature.
Hyah! Hyah! - Spencer: The laughter - echoes through the halls.
You find yourself standing over the ashen corpse of Deepak Chopra, but a light hits you from above.
There's a mineshaft leading out of the mountains.
Guys, I led us to the exit.
Your cowardly terror led us right to where we need to go.
Why do I have to be cowardly just because of terror? Do you really need credit here? I just did what my dad did.
Spencer: Sobbing up the mineshaft lift, you exit the mountain.
You see the seaside city of Freshport, home of the Village Chief's brother, Dunnun.
- Wanting to make - Zoobag feel better, - I ask him, like, - "What's that town over there?" It's Freshport.
[gasps.]
Spencer: But could our heroes get to the chief's brother before the Heralds? Could they warn him or was it too late? A third question.
Find out next time on "HarmonQuest"! [cheers and applause.]
Chelsea Peretti, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Spencer Crittenden, Erin McGathy, Jeff Davis.
I am Dan Harmon.
We'll see you in the next chapter as the quest continues.
[cheers and applause.]
[triumphant music.]
[dramatic music.]
Did you get any of that? It'sa gooda show! [upbeat accordion music.]