Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s01e02 Episode Script
Very Personal Injury
1 Through the cold depths of space a giant space meteor streaks towards Earth.
Get me the Superfriends.
That's not good.
Where are the Superfriends? lam a Superfriend.
Let's see here, it says, "Apache Chief, organ donor.
" Fa b-ta bulous.
Then listen, don't let me stop you from using your heat vision, is it, on the meteor.
- That's not my superpower.
- Magic tomahawk? - Dream catcher? - Warmer.
He's going to leg-wrestle it.
There it is! A meteor! - Is that Gaultier? - Excuse me.
Inukshuk! That fireball won't be hurting anyone now.
Inukshuk! You're welcome.
- Coffee, please.
- All right, that'll be $1.
80 I'm sorry, Chief, no credit cards.
Seems some idiot ripped our telephone pole out of the ground.
I think I have change.
My lap! In conclusion, we're willing to accept your offer to reduce the charge from indecent exposure to second degree nudey-grooving.
Yes? An Apache Chief to see you, Mr.
Birdman.
- Which one? - He says that's his name.
Apache Chief, of course.
Send him in.
The big chief! What have you been up to, bro? There's been less and less superhero stuff lately so mostly freelancing.
Yeah, I know how that can be.
How about a little something hot to drink? No! Please, God, no.
Don't be silly.
No trouble at all.
Avenger? So, what's up? I saved the town the other day and I saved the town.
And anyway Afterwards I thought, "Man, a coffee would be nice.
" But I spilled it on my lap.
And, wow, it was hot.
On my lap.
I'll bet.
Hotness.
Crotch.
Yeah, l Are you trying to say I can no longer enlarge.
Let's all go to the mountains.
I'll take the case.
Nothing? Not even first thing in the morning? A little - You think we have a chance? - It depends who the other attorney-- Reducto.
Back off.
I have got a shrink gun.
Who touched my ankle? Gun.
You think I don't see? You think I don't feel your eyes like grubby little fingers little children's fingers on my body? Back off.
I'll make you teensy.
You.
Put that popgun away.
When I was a kid, if someone brandished a shrink gun he'd get a little bit of respect.
- Shrink gun! - Mr.
Reducto, hold fire.
- Opening arguments.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
When I say the word "superhero," what names come to mind? Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Superman, Birdman.
- These are names-- - Excuse me, I don't think of Birdman.
Not my point.
Because last Wednesday when those other heroes were unavailable it was a lesser hero who answered the call.
Even with Apache Chief saved the town from destruction then went for a coffee.
And my client was not warned that the coffee was hot.
- Fight it.
- I don't know about you but hot things in my lap make me uncomfortable.
And today you'll hear how this hero who could before the accident, grow many, many times his normal size and remain that way all day if necessary a proud, unbending, rock-hard pillar of justice a rigid staff of liberty, that hero is left lifeless.
He is nothing now.
So small.
You'll also hear from his peers, lesser heroes all how devastating the loss of powers can be.
Mr.
Reducto.
You're up.
What kind of stinking superhero loses his powers to a cup of coffee in the crotch? That's all I have.
- State your name for the record.
- Black Vulcan.
Mr.
Vulcan, tell us about your superpower.
Pure electricity.
In my pants.
Sorry, man.
What would life be like without your powers? You know how it is when the power goes out in your house? It would be like that, only in your pants.
Indeed.
Your witness.
Isn't it true that the reason you left the Superfriends is because you were fired? Fired.
Fire! Why? They said it was some sort of budget thing.
I think it's because I complained that they always pair me with a white Superfriend.
Like I was going to start looting when they weren't watching.
And you think I named myself "Black Vulcan"? Hell, no! I used to go by "Supervolt.
" Black Vulcan was Aquaman's idea.
And I said, "Maybe we should just call you 'White Fish!â' In your statement dated September 20 something the day in question you stated that you had express knowledge of one of the more familiar Superfriends' whereabouts.
A Wonder Woman, I believe? That's correct.
She was at home.
Any idea why she wouldn't have answered the town's distress call? She said she really needed some "me" time.
So she unplugged her communicator and took a bath.
How do you happen to know this? I was the bath water.
Form of a washrag.
I'd like to call Apache Chief to the stand.
Tell us, why did you become a superhero? To help people.
And that you did.
Ladies and gentlemen videotaped evidence where you will see with your own eyes, visually, my client helping people.
Look! Apache Chief has grown giant and he's wrestling the Radioactive Blob to the death.
Apache Chief's grown giant.
He's wrestling the Atomic Standard-sized Poodle to the death.
lt's on here, right? As you can see, Apache Chief's juggling three boulders and has succeeded in shocking and delighting the Space Dragon.
So you're still with the Superfriends? - No.
- What do you do for money? Odd jobs to get by.
Getting by.
Incredible.
So, as we see from this tape, your power was Growing large, at will especially in the mornings.
Could you demonstrate that for us now? No.
I haven't been able to grow since I burned myself on the winter blend.
A man who stood so tall, now so small.
Nothing further.
I'll have a brandy Alexander.
We're willing to settle.
- Put down the fizzy gun.
- What's the offer? $1.
89.
It's not the money, Reducto.
It was never about the money.
- Mr.
Superhero, how can we repay him? - Do you want to be shrunk? When it comes right down to it, don't we all just want to be thanked? No one wants to be shrunk.
That's the point.
lt's a shrink gun.
Back off! Yeah, I think this whole thing would go away if he somehow felt appreciated.
I'm scheming.
This is my scheming face.
First I raise this eyebrow, and then Back off! Mr.
Reducto, you're up.
But make it fast.
The Dogs are playing Tennessee.
I would like to call the manager of the Javalux coffee shop.
Sybil Sussler.
That's a hard name to say.
Miss Sussler, how long have you managed this coffee shop? Three years.
And in that time, how many people have burned themselves in your establishment? Just one.
So you'd say that your products are safe? No.
Some are actually quite hot.
- Objection! - She's your witness.
Right.
Well, shut up! I'm afraid I can't shut up.
What has happened to this man is wrong.
The Superfriends abandoned him, and we ignored him.
- Objection.
- My scheme is working.
There may be more famous superheroes but I, for one, would not be sitting here today -were it not for his selfless heroism.
- Objection! And when they are ready, I'll tell my children of the day that humble man saved our town! Inukshuk! Chief got his tepee back.
Case dismissed.
I win! I don't lose! I win! Oh, hell.
So what now, my friend? The guys and I have been talking and we're thinking about forming our own group.
Yeah, the Multiculture Pals.
Apache Chief! Black Vulcan! That's Supervolt.
Juan Gig-ante The Negotiator, and his super-sidekick, Pitseleh the French Tickler, and Jesse Jackson.
Multiculture Pals! Many heroes! One voice.
- You know, we could always appeal.
- That is okay, my friend.
I may have lost the case, but I gained so much more.
English
Get me the Superfriends.
That's not good.
Where are the Superfriends? lam a Superfriend.
Let's see here, it says, "Apache Chief, organ donor.
" Fa b-ta bulous.
Then listen, don't let me stop you from using your heat vision, is it, on the meteor.
- That's not my superpower.
- Magic tomahawk? - Dream catcher? - Warmer.
He's going to leg-wrestle it.
There it is! A meteor! - Is that Gaultier? - Excuse me.
Inukshuk! That fireball won't be hurting anyone now.
Inukshuk! You're welcome.
- Coffee, please.
- All right, that'll be $1.
80 I'm sorry, Chief, no credit cards.
Seems some idiot ripped our telephone pole out of the ground.
I think I have change.
My lap! In conclusion, we're willing to accept your offer to reduce the charge from indecent exposure to second degree nudey-grooving.
Yes? An Apache Chief to see you, Mr.
Birdman.
- Which one? - He says that's his name.
Apache Chief, of course.
Send him in.
The big chief! What have you been up to, bro? There's been less and less superhero stuff lately so mostly freelancing.
Yeah, I know how that can be.
How about a little something hot to drink? No! Please, God, no.
Don't be silly.
No trouble at all.
Avenger? So, what's up? I saved the town the other day and I saved the town.
And anyway Afterwards I thought, "Man, a coffee would be nice.
" But I spilled it on my lap.
And, wow, it was hot.
On my lap.
I'll bet.
Hotness.
Crotch.
Yeah, l Are you trying to say I can no longer enlarge.
Let's all go to the mountains.
I'll take the case.
Nothing? Not even first thing in the morning? A little - You think we have a chance? - It depends who the other attorney-- Reducto.
Back off.
I have got a shrink gun.
Who touched my ankle? Gun.
You think I don't see? You think I don't feel your eyes like grubby little fingers little children's fingers on my body? Back off.
I'll make you teensy.
You.
Put that popgun away.
When I was a kid, if someone brandished a shrink gun he'd get a little bit of respect.
- Shrink gun! - Mr.
Reducto, hold fire.
- Opening arguments.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
When I say the word "superhero," what names come to mind? Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Superman, Birdman.
- These are names-- - Excuse me, I don't think of Birdman.
Not my point.
Because last Wednesday when those other heroes were unavailable it was a lesser hero who answered the call.
Even with Apache Chief saved the town from destruction then went for a coffee.
And my client was not warned that the coffee was hot.
- Fight it.
- I don't know about you but hot things in my lap make me uncomfortable.
And today you'll hear how this hero who could before the accident, grow many, many times his normal size and remain that way all day if necessary a proud, unbending, rock-hard pillar of justice a rigid staff of liberty, that hero is left lifeless.
He is nothing now.
So small.
You'll also hear from his peers, lesser heroes all how devastating the loss of powers can be.
Mr.
Reducto.
You're up.
What kind of stinking superhero loses his powers to a cup of coffee in the crotch? That's all I have.
- State your name for the record.
- Black Vulcan.
Mr.
Vulcan, tell us about your superpower.
Pure electricity.
In my pants.
Sorry, man.
What would life be like without your powers? You know how it is when the power goes out in your house? It would be like that, only in your pants.
Indeed.
Your witness.
Isn't it true that the reason you left the Superfriends is because you were fired? Fired.
Fire! Why? They said it was some sort of budget thing.
I think it's because I complained that they always pair me with a white Superfriend.
Like I was going to start looting when they weren't watching.
And you think I named myself "Black Vulcan"? Hell, no! I used to go by "Supervolt.
" Black Vulcan was Aquaman's idea.
And I said, "Maybe we should just call you 'White Fish!â' In your statement dated September 20 something the day in question you stated that you had express knowledge of one of the more familiar Superfriends' whereabouts.
A Wonder Woman, I believe? That's correct.
She was at home.
Any idea why she wouldn't have answered the town's distress call? She said she really needed some "me" time.
So she unplugged her communicator and took a bath.
How do you happen to know this? I was the bath water.
Form of a washrag.
I'd like to call Apache Chief to the stand.
Tell us, why did you become a superhero? To help people.
And that you did.
Ladies and gentlemen videotaped evidence where you will see with your own eyes, visually, my client helping people.
Look! Apache Chief has grown giant and he's wrestling the Radioactive Blob to the death.
Apache Chief's grown giant.
He's wrestling the Atomic Standard-sized Poodle to the death.
lt's on here, right? As you can see, Apache Chief's juggling three boulders and has succeeded in shocking and delighting the Space Dragon.
So you're still with the Superfriends? - No.
- What do you do for money? Odd jobs to get by.
Getting by.
Incredible.
So, as we see from this tape, your power was Growing large, at will especially in the mornings.
Could you demonstrate that for us now? No.
I haven't been able to grow since I burned myself on the winter blend.
A man who stood so tall, now so small.
Nothing further.
I'll have a brandy Alexander.
We're willing to settle.
- Put down the fizzy gun.
- What's the offer? $1.
89.
It's not the money, Reducto.
It was never about the money.
- Mr.
Superhero, how can we repay him? - Do you want to be shrunk? When it comes right down to it, don't we all just want to be thanked? No one wants to be shrunk.
That's the point.
lt's a shrink gun.
Back off! Yeah, I think this whole thing would go away if he somehow felt appreciated.
I'm scheming.
This is my scheming face.
First I raise this eyebrow, and then Back off! Mr.
Reducto, you're up.
But make it fast.
The Dogs are playing Tennessee.
I would like to call the manager of the Javalux coffee shop.
Sybil Sussler.
That's a hard name to say.
Miss Sussler, how long have you managed this coffee shop? Three years.
And in that time, how many people have burned themselves in your establishment? Just one.
So you'd say that your products are safe? No.
Some are actually quite hot.
- Objection! - She's your witness.
Right.
Well, shut up! I'm afraid I can't shut up.
What has happened to this man is wrong.
The Superfriends abandoned him, and we ignored him.
- Objection.
- My scheme is working.
There may be more famous superheroes but I, for one, would not be sitting here today -were it not for his selfless heroism.
- Objection! And when they are ready, I'll tell my children of the day that humble man saved our town! Inukshuk! Chief got his tepee back.
Case dismissed.
I win! I don't lose! I win! Oh, hell.
So what now, my friend? The guys and I have been talking and we're thinking about forming our own group.
Yeah, the Multiculture Pals.
Apache Chief! Black Vulcan! That's Supervolt.
Juan Gig-ante The Negotiator, and his super-sidekick, Pitseleh the French Tickler, and Jesse Jackson.
Multiculture Pals! Many heroes! One voice.
- You know, we could always appeal.
- That is okay, my friend.
I may have lost the case, but I gained so much more.
English