Haters Back Off (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [crying and sniffling.]
You people are monsters.
All of you! [sniffles.]
I've been reading your comments, and you all say mean, horrible things! [whimpers.]
Look at this.
[reading.]
"You have lipstick on your teech.
" I would never put lipstick on that! It could get infected! [sniffles.]
"No effence, but she takes things really serioulisouy.
" Oh, really, Ryan498? You think just because you're speaking in Asian, I won't know that you're dissing me? [sobs.]
I'm giving up on the Internet, and I'm giving up on fame! [sniffles.]
How do you like that? [breathes heavily.]
[shouts.]
Miranda! Miranda! What is the meaning of this, Miranda? This can't be true, Miranda.
Get out here! Get out here right now, Miranda.
Miranda, what is the meaning of this? - I quit.
- You can't quit! What about our plans? I was gonna make you famous.
I'm sorry, Uncle Jim, but those haters are too mean! I'm a person who oozes positivity.
I need to be around people who do the same.
What about my ooze? What's gonna happen to me? I don't know.
Why don't you go back to selling goldfish or something? "Selling goldfish"? [scoffs.]
[inhales deeply.]
Miranda I think it's time that you heard a little story about a guy who gave up on his dreams too.
And his name was Uncle Jim.
The year was 1986.
I was a senior at Brookswood High.
And I'm not gonna lie, I was special.
I had made a name for myself as the best color guard performer in the entire south-eastern Pacific Northwest.
Rifle twirling, high stepping [chuckles.]
Oh, I could do it all.
But my real gift [softly.]
was the ribbon.
[indistinct chatter.]
It was homecoming weekend, the pep rally before the big game.
And I made the decision to take my performance to the next level.
- [presses play.]
- [upbeat music plays.]
[exhales sharply.]
[man singing.]
We are the winners Watch us glimmer Like the sunset of champions We're in control Body and soul We push ourselves to the maximum The champions The champions We are the champions [Jim.]
I was like a dancer mixed with an artist mixed with a real masculine swan.
I was poised to go straight to the top, and I had just the plan to get me there.
Shining full and bright We take the spotlight We are the ones - Fireworks! [exclaims.]
- [fireworks exploding.]
Looking farther, beating higher We play to win We're the champions We're inspired, reaching higher [all screaming.]
- [explosions.]
- Second to none Champions We're in control Body and soul Stop! Stop! Stop! I haven't finished the finale! The finale! Wait for the finale! [sobbing.]
[both grunting.]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry! And that's the last time that I ever performed.
I gave up.
I turned my back on my passion.
And not a day goes by that I don't regret it.
And, Miranda, I want you to promise me that you won't make the same mistake that I made.
Okay, I promise.
I won't join the color guard.
No, you can join the color guard if you want.
I I was talking about giving up on your dream.
You were just talking about color guard, though.
The story was about me joining the color guard - Right.
- and that was my dream.
What does that have to do with this? Because you have a dream that you just gave up.
You just you just put this video out there, saying you quit.
I'm I'm not seeing this connection.
- What are you talking about? - Okay.
Miranda, I want you to listen.
Okay, I'm listening.
The year was 1986.
I was a senior at Brookswood High.
And I'm not gonna lie I was special.
[groans.]
[theme music playing.]
Now, this is the time we give back with our tithing.
[chuckles.]
Now, what I want everybody to do, take out your wallets.
- Take out a dollar, maybe two.
- [congregation murmuring.]
And throw the wallet in the basket.
[chuckles.]
[chuckles.]
Which reminds me I have been promoted to the position of executive director of church operations.
- [sniffles.]
- The Lord is my shepherd.
[whispering.]
I think I'm gonna pray for the souls of my haters.
- What's that? - The souls of my haters? I'm gonna pray for them, and ask God to punish them and teach them a lesson.
- That's nice, sweetheart.
- [Keith laughs.]
All right.
And now, a selection from our fine choir.
[murmuring.]
[singing.]
Holy, holy, holy Lord God Almighty Are you smiling at that man? - What? No.
Of course not, no.
- Early in the morning Okay, good.
This is church, Mom.
- Our song shall rise to thee - It's no place for smiling.
- Right.
- Don't be a pervert.
Okay.
Okay.
[inaudible.]
He's a angel.
Oh, hello there.
- I'm Keith.
- Hi, I'm Bethany.
Hi.
[stutters.]
Are you okay? Oh! This? Yeah, I'm fine.
I mean, I'm not fine.
I have undiagnosed fibromyalgia.
You know, I say that I'm fine to appear strong.
Wow.
That must be really hard on you.
It is.
You know, that's what I try to tell anyone that will listen.
[chuckles.]
Are you single? Excuse me? No, I'm sorry, I didn't I I meant, tomorrow night.
[chuckles.]
The church is hosting singles night.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
[chuckles.]
- And you probably Well, a beautiful woman like you, you're probably already married.
[chuckles.]
Probably to, like, an astronaut, or something really important like that.
Right, so [sighs.]
No.
Uh, I'm single.
- I think you should come.
- Really? - Mmm-hmm.
[chuckles.]
- Okay.
- Well, I hope you do.
[stutters.]
- Okay.
- Until then, take take that.
- Oh.
- Bible Bingo.
I love Bible Bingo! - Yeah.
[mellow song playing indistinctly.]
Hey, Miranda.
I saw your video.
- Is everything okay? - Oh, it is better than okay, Patrick.
I've decided to give up on fame and focus on the more important things in life.
Like joining the church choir and finding true love.
True love? - Did you have anyone in particular in - Oh, hi! - I'm Miranda.
- Hey.
I'm Owen.
Hey, Owen.
I saw you singing with the choir.
I was thinking about joining, so Oh, you should.
We could use all the talented singers we can get.
You should come to rehearsals tomorrow.
Okay.
Maybe I will.
I mean, I'm probably busy, but, you know - So maybe I won't, so - Mmm, okay.
But, I I will be there, for sure.
I'll definitely come.
- So I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.
I'll catch you around, Amanda.
I love when he calls me that.
Oh.
Well, in that case, Amanda Don't you do it! Did you see the way he looked at me? Yeah.
He's got pretty soulful eyes.
Oh, yeah.
Sweet hair like a lion.
That's really good.
[sighs.]
[slow pop music playing.]
[door chimes.]
Hey, Harvey! Wow.
- The place looks great.
- What are you doing here, Jim? Cut to the chase.
I love that about you, Harvey.
Um, well, I am actually here for my job back.
No.
Come on! Why not? Because we're not hiring right now.
And, also you killed a bunch of fish.
Oh.
[sighs.]
That was just a simple misunderstanding.
I mean, who knew that fish were so sensitive to extreme fluctuations in temperature? I work in a fish store, and I had no idea.
I have to ask you to leave now, Jim.
I I see what you're doing, Harvey.
You're playing hard to get.
Well, guess what? Two can play at that game.
[laughs.]
You know what? I'm leaving.
I'm going and don't try to stop me.
Okay? Don't try and stop me.
Okay, are you Harvey, are you gonna try and stop me? I'm not gonna stop you, Jim.
[inhales sharply.]
Good.
Because I wouldn't stop even if you tried.
And once I go out that door you will never see me again! Never! Okay.
So good riddance to you, Harvey.
Good riddance! But again, call me anytime if you're hiring.
Or even if you're not, just to hang out or whatever.
Okay.
[sighs.]
[door opens.]
[Bethany.]
Emily.
You missed some exciting stuff at church today.
Did the Lord return? No, silly, we'd be in the Rapture.
[chuckles.]
But he did bless us with some really fun opportunities.
I got invited to singles night tomorrow night, and Miranda's joining the choir.
Yep.
It's pretty much my new full-time passion.
Well, it didn't take you long to jump back into the spotlight.
It's church, Emily.
It's not about being in the spotlight.
It's about getting on God's good side so he'll do stuff for you later.
Yeah.
Well, I, uh, got my old job back.
They practically begged me to come back.
So that's, uh, pretty much the whole story of what happened.
I'll start tomorrow, double shift.
[inhales sharply.]
Pretty much all I have to say about that.
Uh, no further questions.
Wait, so, I have the house to myself tomorrow night.
So? What are you gonna do? You can't have a party, 'cause you don't have any friends.
Oh! [laughs.]
Friendship burn! Oh! No friends! [laughs.]
I have friends.
Mmm, really? 'Cause your diary says you can't get close to people.
Oh! You read her diary? [laughs.]
Yeah, I read her diary! So good! [chuckles.]
You should keep a lock on your diary.
Oh, she put a lock on it, but I cut that thing right off.
[Jim imitating Emily.]
"Oh, I'm Emily.
I'm grumpy.
" [wails.]
[imitating Emily.]
"I love art.
Oh, I love to paint.
Look at it.
" "Oh! I'm Emily! I have a diary because I have no friends.
" [Miranda gasps.]
"Oh, dear diary.
I love to eat fruit and I use really weak locks.
" - [chuckles.]
- "My name is Emily.
" [Jim sighs.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
- Hello? - Hi.
[chuckles.]
- [Owen.]
Oh, hey.
Uh, you made it.
Everyone, this is Amanda.
No, actually, uh, that's just Owen's pet nickname for me.
[chuckles.]
My real name is Miranda.
[chuckles.]
It is? Oh, Owen, you're so funny.
Always playing this game where we call each other by the wrong name.
[chuckles.]
Right, Owen-nifer? [chuckles.]
Right.
[Miranda.]
Great.
So, what's this? [April.]
Hi.
Uh, I'm April.
So glad you could join us.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
So, are you an alto or a soprano? I'm American.
'Kay.
Uh, why don't you just, uh, - join us over this way? - [Miranda.]
Oh, okay.
And we'll start right away.
Oh, you know what, actually, um, I have an announcement before we get it started.
[chuckles.]
I just wanna say, please, don't be intimidated by me.
I can tell by the looks on your faces you're all freaking out.
You're like, "Oh, my gosh! This girl's so much prettier and so much more talented than all of us.
What are we gonna do?" Just being honest.
This is gonna really help your careers.
Okay? Maybe I can rub off on you a little bit.
Not, like, physically rub on you, 'cause that'd be weird.
I'm a good girl.
[chuckles.]
He's watching, so Anyways All right, let's get started, shall we? [snaps fingers.]
Let's do this.
And a five, and a six, and a seven, and a eight, and a nine, and a So - [singing.]
All creatures - Oh.
Okay, sorry.
creatures of our God and King Lift up your voice - And with us sing - Oh, you know what, - Hallelujah - I think I might sound better - if I was standing over there.
- Hallelujah Excuse me.
Oh, burning sun - Hey.
[chuckles.]
- With golden beam You know, um, I noticed you noticing me over there, and I just wanna say, yes, I am a professional musician.
[chuckles.]
Classically trained by myself.
- O, praise him - [sniffs.]
- Hallelujah - [sighs.]
You smell so good.
- Hallelujah - Like sandalwood and salty dreams.
Hallelujah Look, I'm sorry.
Can we stop? - [choir stops singing.]
- Maybe we can try it again, but this time, have everyone paying attention? You know what, I was thinking the same thing, actually.
You guys [claps hands.]
get your head in the game! Okay? This is a professional choir, and you guys sound terrible right now.
No offense.
Here, let's just take it from the top.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
[clears throat.]
[all singing.]
All creatures of our God and King - Lift up your voice and with us sing - [stops singing.]
[humming.]
- [Emily.]
Uncle Jim? - [exclaims.]
You're supposed to be at work.
[grunts and pants.]
Oh.
[chuckles nervously.]
Just, uh, working from home today.
Okay, I lied.
I didn't get my old job back.
- What? - I know it's hard to believe, but your uncle's not in demand in this current economic climate.
Okay, well, you can't just hang around ribbon dancing all day.
Well, what am I supposed to do? This is pretty much the only place in town where I'm still allowed to loiter.
Uncle Jim, you need to make some money.
Okay? - Mom is working double shifts - [sighs.]
and she needs someone else's help to support this family.
Believe me, I have heard all about your mother's double shifts.
Ever since I've gotten fired, all she talks about is money, money, money.
It's like that woman is obsessed.
- Just go get a job.
- [sighing.]
Don't tell anybody you found me in these bushes.
[sighs.]
Hallelujah [vocalizing.]
You know what, maybe this is a good place to stop for the day.
- [murmuring.]
- Oh.
- [door opens.]
- [Keith.]
Hey.
Uh, praise the Lord, everybody.
[chuckles.]
Just checking in.
Just wanted to collect the prayer requests, if anybody had any.
- [indistinct chatter.]
- I I have one.
Yeah? Uh I, uh, I just wanna pray that my good looks can be used as a tool rather than a distraction.
Because, I mean, yeah, God blessed me with this but he also blessed me with this.
- [all.]
Aw.
- Oh.
Your stomach.
My heart.
[Miranda.]
Can you believe it? Very thoughtful, Owen.
- Anybody else? - [woman.]
Oh, yes.
I'd like to pray that a certain person who recently joined the choir learns how to be a little less of a nuisance.
[scoffs.]
Amen.
I'd like to pray for that same person.
I hope you don't mind.
Why would I? 'Cause ever since she got here, the choir just sounds awful.
And honestly, I feel like God's been trying to tell me that something needs to change, and she just has to leave.
- [all.]
Amen.
- Yeah.
Uh, you mind if I talk to you in private? Oh.
Uh, sure.
Yeah.
We will take your prayer requests into consideration and choose the ones we like.
So, thank you.
[all murmuring.]
So, you see, Miranda it's good to explore all of the different paths that God has laid out before us.
Yeah.
[chuckles.]
That's why I joined the choir.
Yes.
Uh, maybe it's time to to explore a quieter path.
You know, one that one that doesn't involve music.
[chuckles.]
Or other people.
Okay.
When God closes a door he always opens a window.
[stutters.]
And sometimes, it's my job to help push people out that window.
And I think right now [stammering.]
is one of those times.
You understand? [impatiently.]
Okay, I'm trying to say you're kicked out of the choir, Miranda! What? You can't do that! I'm the best part about that choir! [stammers.]
I'm sorry, but, but it's the Lord's will.
No.
You know what? No.
This is an outrage! You can't do this to me! God is gonna be so ticked off at you when he hears about this.
You will rue the day.
You hear me? Rue it! I'm sorry.
Oh, oh.
All right, all right.
Okay.
This is All right.
Okay.
That's, that's Okay.
Hey.
[sighs.]
Is Uncle Jim home? - No.
- Mmm.
I really need to talk to him.
I think [sighs.]
I think Miranda is falling for another guy.
Well, you know, Uncle Jim is the first person I think of for dating advice too, but he's not here.
[sighs.]
Maybe I'll, uh Yeah, you know, I'm gonna wait in her bedroom.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna touch anything.
[chuckles.]
[Bethany.]
Okay, Emily.
Tell me honestly, what do you think? Is this a show-stopper? Yes.
Oh, my gosh! I'm so glad, because I'm gonna wear it tonight for singles night.
Don't do that.
Why? What's wrong with it? It's just a little too revealing.
But it's a turtleneck, and it's It's No, I just mean it reveals a little too much about your home life.
So should I put a scarf with it? Or, like, a hat? Do whatever you want, Mom.
You know, it's just [sighs.]
There's this man, and when he looks at me, I I cannot hold a thought in my head.
And, anyway, I just don't wanna mess it up, you know? So [clears throat.]
I've made these conversation cards in case I get tongue-tied.
I'm sorry, did you say "conversation cards"? You know what, Emily? Never mind.
I'm gonna go practice.
Thank you.
Thank you.
"Hi, Keith.
" Laugh.
Act surprised.
[laughs.]
"What? Oh, a little bit about me? I was married once.
But I consider myself pure because I never had the glory moment.
But I'm up I'm open to it, Keith, if you, if you wanted to do that.
- But if not, that's okay, too " - Nope, nope, nope.
Mom, you cannot say that.
Um, okay.
What about this? Um "Keith, does your family have a history of genetic diseases?" No.
You can't say that either.
Oh, okay.
All right, um "Hey, Keith.
How do you feel about roller coasters?" - Okay, let me see these cards.
- [sighs.]
Mom, you can't say any of these.
Well, then what am I supposed to say? Will you go with me? I am your daughter.
I am not going to singles night with you.
[groans.]
Fine.
I'll just do it on my own.
[Bethany sighs.]
Mom, wait up.
[door closes.]
Oh.
Hey, EliteCollector423, - how's it going, my main man? - Whoa.
- It's me, Jim.
From the chatroom? - Yeah, I know, man.
You wanna hug? - No.
No, man! - Okay.
- Did you bring the stuff? - I sure did.
I have a ton of high-quality collectible items for purchase, but I gotta warn you, cash only.
- You got it.
- Why don't you step into my office? Boom! [EliteCollector423.]
Let's see.
A dead fern? I'm pretty sure if you water it, it'll come back to life.
[EliteCollector423.]
A picture of a naked baby in an eggshell? Yes, I also have pictures of clothed babies, if you're interested.
A half-used bottle of Jovan Musk? And you don't wanna know where I used the other half.
You said you had a bunch of vintage '80s stuff.
This is all worthless.
Oh, come on, man! I need money.
There's gotta be something in here I can sell you.
[gasps.]
What about this nice Aztec-ean patterned shirt? Would you like [stammers.]
Please, don't take that off, man.
What about the car? The car? I've had this car since I was 18.
I grew up in this car.
I fell in and out of love in this car.
I experienced beauty and pain, and a spiritual awakening.
And, you - I'll give you 500 bucks.
- Sold! No take-backs! [dog barking.]
[sniffles.]
Mom, where are you? - [crying.]
Mom? - Miranda, are you all right? I got kicked out of the freaking choir! Where's Mom? - Oh, she's not here.
- [grunts.]
Uh But I am, if you wanna talk.
- Uh [chuckles nervously.]
- [knocking on door.]
Miranda? What? [sobs.]
[Patrick.]
Hey.
I'm really sorry you got kicked out of choir.
But [stutters.]
if it makes you feel any better I think your singing voice is beautiful, and pure, and anyone would be lucky to hear it.
Well, that's because you're smart.
And I also know that sometimes, when two people are meant to be together it doesn't matter what obstacles are in their way.
They just They have to fight through and find a way to make it work.
You're right, Patrick.
I'm gonna go back to that church, sing my heart out for Owen, and make him fall in love with me.
Uh, what No, I wasn't [chuckles nervously.]
Thank you.
Uh Uh [gasps.]
Oh, my goodness, it's so beautiful! Oh Is this dress too revealing for church? God has seen you naked, Mom.
I think you're fine.
[Bethany gasps.]
There's Keith.
- There he is! He's in the blue suit.
- Oh, wow.
- He's running.
- [Bethany.]
Oh.
[chuckles.]
Bethany, you made it.
- [laughs.]
Hey.
- Hi! [chuckles nervously.]
Um "Good evening, Keith.
How are you? Do you come to this church often?" Um, yeah.
I work here, remember? Yes.
Okay, sorry, that was a bad one.
"Have you " She's just excited to see you.
Hi, I'm Emily.
I'm her daughter.
Oh.
[chuckles.]
Oh, my pleasure to meet you, Emily.
Well, you have your mother's beautiful eyes.
[chuckles.]
- [chuckles.]
Oh.
- And her weak posture.
How about that? [chuckles.]
Well, would either of you care for some Blood of Christ fruit punch? Oh, yes, thank you.
[Keith.]
Yes, amen.
I'm good.
I'm on a blood-free diet.
- [Bethany.]
Oh.
- [chuckles.]
Oh.
Well, uh, the music should be starting up soon.
The choir has prepared some hymns for us to jam out to.
[chuckles.]
- Oh, no.
The choir? - Yeah.
Oh, no, my daughter will be here.
Don't let Miranda ruin this for you.
Miranda? Don't have to worry about her.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, she decided it would be best for everyone if she just stayed away from the choir for a while.
- Really? - Yeah.
Very big of her.
Really? Well, in that case, I think we could have some fun.
Well, I think so, too.
- Yes.
- [chuckles.]
Come with us.
Okay.
All right.
- Are you good? - Go have fun.
I'm good.
Hallelujah Earth and heaven in chorus say Hallelujah Raise your joys and triumphs high Hallelujah - Oh, Owen! Owen, hey, Owen, it's me.
- [Emily.]
Miranda.
No.
- Owen! Hey, Owen, I'm here! - No, Miranda.
No, no, Miranda - Owen.
Okay, yeah, right.
- [April.]
Hey, you're not - Hi, guys.
Stop singing, please.
- [feedback.]
Hello! Hi, everyone.
Welcome, welcome, hope you're having a great time.
It's about to get even better.
I'm going to sing a song right now and dedicate it to Owen, wow This is a wonderful love ballad from my heart to yours.
Don't you wish your girlfriend Was hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend Was a freak like me? Don't you [vocalizing.]
Don't you [vocalizing.]
Miranda? Mom? What're you doing with him? That's the guy who kicked me out of the choir! Okay, well, Miranda, I can explain.
We were [Miranda.]
Okay, why are you even here? You're not single, you have me! - Look, Miranda, you need to leave.
- What are you doing? Get your stinking hands off of me! I just Get out of here! You're ruining the whole night for everyone.
[scoffs.]
Me? Look who's talking, Miss Chesticle-Crack-Out- For-Everyone-to-See.
- [all gasping.]
- It's disgusting.
- I'm embarrassed for you.
- [woman gasps.]
- You're insane! - Why don't you get out of here? [Miranda gasps.]
Okay, you know what? You know what? Actually, this night is canceled.
You can all just get out of here right now, okay? 'Cause this is over.
And you're all just a bunch of [whispers.]
Wrap this around.
One sec.
- [feedback.]
- Got it.
You're all just a bunch of haters.
That's what you are.
Every single one of you.
And, Mom, you're the worst hater of them all, - 'cause you're dating this guy.
- All right, all right.
That's enough.
- Settle down, settle down.
- Do you know what he did to me? Settle down, everybody.
This young lady has a point.
- Thank you.
- You have a point.
[Keith chuckles.]
We are family.
[all murmuring.]
We need to take care of each other.
Hmm? Now, now, Owen, would you please show this lost lamb her way? - Uh-huh.
- Yes, sir.
[chuckles.]
[Keith.]
"I once was lost but now I'm found.
" [chuckling.]
It's singles night, and I feel all right.
Sexy Christians in black and white.
Can you believe those people? All I wanted to do was sing you a song.
I know, it's okay.
- Whatever.
They're all haters.
- Mmm-hmm.
You're the only one that I care about.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, I get that a lot.
[giggles.]
So, I was thinking we could go back to my house and Whoa.
[door rattling.]
Owen, what's going on? I don't know, it You know what? It's these complicated door locks.
I'm gonna have to go out and do some research, figure out how to get this thing open.
I'll be back, okay? Okay.
I'll be here as long as it takes.
I believe in you! Owen? Oh.
It's you.
[sighs.]
Miranda, what are you doing out here? What do you care, Miss I'm-Having-Appetizers- And-Hanging-Out- With-The-Guy-Who-Kicked- My-Daughter-Out-of-The-Choir? Miranda, I'm sorry.
- Come here.
- [tsks.]
Okay.
Listen, I did not know about Keith.
I would never mean to hurt you.
It's not all about you, Mom.
Everyone's been so mean to me lately.
Do you know what I love about you? You're so strong.
You don't care what people think and you're not afraid to stand up for yourself.
I'm, you know, not like that.
You're right.
You're not like that.
Miranda [sighs.]
If I was like that I wouldn't let anyone stop me.
Thanks, Mom.
So this ought to cover the cost of all the fish I murdered, and the rest of the five hundie is yours to keep.
We'll call it a "hiring bonus," huh? What do you say? Um, yeah, okay.
You're hired.
Yes! Okay, you will not regret this.
I'm gonna start scooping out the floaters.
[chuckles.]
Oh! Uncle Jim! [pants.]
I'm going back on the Internet! I quit! [door chimes.]
[classical music playing.]