Hello Ladies s01e02 Episode Script

1 What a lovely party, Mother.
I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.
You shouldn't be out of bed, dear.
Dr.
Goldstein here said you need your rest.
But I want to join the party.
Or do I embarrass you in front of all your fancy society friends? Why would you embarrass me? Because of this? Because of my little accident.
Oh, cut! Come on, that was my best take.
You can't keep laughing.
- Sorry, but it's funny.
- No, it's not funny.
One out of 12 teenage girls tries to kill themselves.
Is that funny to you? No, but you playing a teenage girl is.
Let's go again.
Oh, can we make this the last take? Marion's gonna be home soon.
Okay, quick as we can, everyone.
Wade's ex-wife will be home soon.
We're not divorced.
We're just separated.
And not for long.
Guess what this Casanova's got planned later? He's taking her out in a bloody limousine.
Am I right? I wish I was his ex-wife.
- We're just separated.
- Yeah.
- I hope it goes well, okay.
- It will.
Let's pick this up, okay? Are you still rolling? Action.
Because of my little accident? Sorry, sorry.
You should think about making this into a comedy.
We're starting over.
Get back.
Go.
Just a little boy lost looking for a lamb In the all-night city Living in his lonely limousine And though he never has to worry He's the only one and only one He's ever gonna need Absolutely, he's in definite need Ooh, maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely Maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely.
Hello.
Hello, Marion.
You look you look well.
Thank you.
Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- Wade, are you coming with us, or - Yeah, just a second.
Yeah, okay.
I don't want to come off like I'm being difficult, but you said you'd be gone by 3:00.
I mean, you gave us permission to be here, so I thought The whole point of being separated is that we give each other space.
Yeah, I know.
I just I don't understand, like, what the problem is.
The problem is that I don't know who I am except your wife.
Why is that a problem? I don't I'm not my own person.
- Okay, that's it for me - Ooh, I we should - 'cause we have got to haven't we? - yeah, we're running late.
- Mm-hmm.
- We've gotta hit the streets.
We've gotta beat the bloody traffic, - so, we're out of your hair.
- Yeah, okay.
- Good to see ya.
Good to see ya.
- Yeah.
Okay, I don't want to talk about this.
Oh, I know you don't, and that's one of the problems, but I have to talk about how I feel or I'll go crazy.
Just what do you feel? What do you wanna say? Wade, sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we'd never met.
Marion, sorry.
Your car's blocking me in.
Any chance I could move it? Uh, yeah, fine.
Did you know I bought a sex toy? Keys.
Forgot the keys.
- Yes, they're - Have them.
I'm off.
We can fix it.
No, we just we need a fresh start.
That is all we need, okay? - And I was gonna listen.
- No, it's I was gonna surprise you tonight, all right, but I'm picking you up for dinner Sorry, um, which one is it to switch off the alarm? It's the middle one.
- You have to press it twice.
- You gotta press it twice.
Middle one.
Gotta press it twice.
I was gonna surprise you tonight.
I'm picking you up, we're going to dinner, and I rented a stretch limousine.
- It's all planned out.
- No, I'm not going on a date with you, Wade.
I've been thinking, and I don't think we should see each other for a month.
Me again.
We cannot figure out where the emergency brake is on the car.
Is it one of those sort of that's, you know, or is it the kind of Oh, pop out yourself.
Makes sense.
How did that go? She doesn't want to see or talk to me for a month.
Does that mean that limousine's going to waste? It's supposed to be here by now.
Probably dropping off some big shot.
Well, you know what the company's called Superstar Limos.
- Really? - Yeah.
I think that's the one that the Hollywood pros use.
I've never seen people so excited about a limo before.
Who doesn't get excited about a limousine? It's the glamour, isn't it? The sophistication.
Who's behind the darkened windows? Is it George Clooney? Is it Jennifer Lopez? Is it someone going to a funeral? You don't know.
Don't disrespect the limo.
Hey, what's with the French film bollocks? I never said you could change my art.
I said you could have a few friends over.
Well, I wanted to create a sort of ambiance.
- Yeah? - I wanted to host more of a salon.
- A salon? - Yes.
A place where my friends and I can talk about art - Right.
- and culture, philosophy, or politics.
So you and the other struggling actresses are gonna be sat around discussing Wittgenstein and North Korea? Yes, that might come up.
- That could come up? - Yeah.
Okay, wow.
Oh, and the sound track for tonight will be jazz, I noticed.
- Oh, I love jazz.
- You love jazz? - Yes.
- Name three key jazz musicians.
- Miles Davis.
- Number one, yeah.
Lance Armstrong.
The trumpet player, Lance Armstrong? - Yes.
- Okay, and number three? The Loneliest Monk.
The Loneliest Monk? - Yes.
Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? 'Cause I've heard of the guy called Thelonious Monk.
You're not thinking of him? - Yeah, yeah.
That's what I said.
- That's what you said.
- Yeah, he's great.
- Sure, sure, sure, sure.
He's great.
You clearly are a jazz aficionado.
- My apologies.
- I am.
- It's here! The limo's here! - Is the limo here? - Come and see it.
- Limo's here! I've seen a long car before.
- Yeah.
- Look at that.
Oh.
- Dang, look at that.
- Look at this.
That's a nice ride right there.
- Cool, isn't it? - It is cool.
Look at that.
I know.
- How you feeling? - Feeling great.
- Yeah? - Yeah, why? Just after that thing with Marion, I just thought you might be a bit, you know - so, ruining it.
- Hey, don't worry about me.
Yeah, we're spending 30 days apart.
Life's gotta be lived.
Ooh, that's a nice little ride right there.
Look at that.
Dang.
What's, like, the most amount of people you could have in here? Well, the max is 12.
What about the least? Just me.
You got a nickname for the limo? Nope.
I'd probably call it My Best Black Buddy.
Oh.
I've never told anyone this before, but I've actually got a fantasy of one day driving back to my hometown in a limo with my beautiful wife, who's a model with a PhD in philosophy smart lady and we drive in and everyone I ever went to school with and all the girls that wouldn't ever go on dates with me, they come out, they see the limo, they're like, "Who's that?" "It's Stuart Pritchard! Why did we let him slip through our fingers?" - You know what I mean? - Oh.
And I'll tell you who else will be there Mike Moffat, all right? And he'll be eating his fucking words, let me tell you that for nothing.
Who is Mike Moffat? Hey, why'd you invite him? So, yeah, I got my extensions out last week - and this is all my real hair.
- Oh, hello, ladies.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Sorry, you must think I'm a terrible show-off.
You've caught me admiring my limousine.
I need the legroom.
No, I'm I don't normally drive 'round in a limo.
I, um I actually drive a vintage BMW.
From 1994.
Hey, I'm Kives.
Pleasure.
Yeah, um, ladies, can I just ask you a very quick question? Hey, guys.
I don't know what you've got planned tonight, but we're just gonna be hitting some clubs, just maxing, relaxing in the limo, so you're welcome to join if you Thank you, but we already have a fun night in store.
- Okay.
Yay, wine.
- All right.
Okay, let's go.
Ladies! Get your motor running Head out on the highway Looking for adventure In whatever comes our way Born to be wild Born to be wild.
It's gonna take too long.
It's gonna take too long.
- It's gonna take too long.
- Are you you're going down? Just come down.
Ow, you gotta move your leg.
Wade, there's snacks in here, mate.
No, there's not.
- Are the snacks free? - Uh, no, sir.
- What about the booze? - Nope.
- What about the water? - Yeah, water's fine.
- Did you hear that? - I'll have one of those later if I get thirsty.
Look at that.
Bloody hell.
Now that is the sort of lady that's at home in a limousine.
Am I right? Where do women like that hang out? Oh, I don't know, Soho House, Ambassador Room, my dick.
Don't cheapen this although the Ambassador Room's not a bad idea.
Driver, to the Ambassador Room.
Actually, I don't think you're gonna get in there without a reservation.
This is a reservation right here.
What's the ZIP code down there? - 310, baby.
- That's an area code.
Still works.
Did you guys know that Gwyneth Paltrow's doctor banned her from eating eggs, shellfish, deepwater fish, wheat, meat, and coffee for three weeks? It worked 'cause she looks amazing.
Have you guys tried any of her gluten-free recipes? You know, I haven't, but I want to.
- I want to.
- Yeah, I want to, too.
What do people think about North Korea? Well, I'm definitely not an expert, but I just feel like we should nuke them before they nuke us.
You guys, it's Saturday night.
- Can we not talk about this? It's depressing.
- Yeah.
Well, I just thought that it might be kinda cool to talk about something a little bit different tonight, like art or culture, or politics, philosophy.
Why? Don't you guys feel like we're in a bit of a rut? - Yeah.
- We go out, we party, see the same people, talk about the same stuff.
Aren't you guys bored of that? Do you ever wonder, like, what are we doing here? To be in TV and movies.
No, I don't mean, like, in L.
A.
I mean, like, in the whole Hey, can you change the music? It's kinda weird.
Oh, you don't like jazz? It's Saturday night.
Maybe something with words? Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I can sure.
- Yeah.
Over here, please.
Big smile.
Thank you so much.
Right here, right here.
Oh, look at the bloody paparazzi.
Scum, aren't they? All right, wait here, gentlemen.
Oh, I'm dying to see him.
Hey.
I can't believe he said that to her.
Hiya, I just want to pop in for a quick drink.
Um, just wondering, where should I have my driver park my limo? What is the name on the reservation, please? Um, I'm actually coming in tonight without a reservation.
I can't let you in without a reservation.
All right.
I'm not sure you're following.
I just pulled up in a limousine.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- I gotta move the car.
- Hang on a minute.
Are you going in? - Yeah.
- No.
- They're not going in? - No.
Why are you talking to her? Ask me if you got a question.
- Sorry, what was your name? - Jane.
Jane, I'm gonna need to speak to your manager, I'm afraid.
He is gonna tell you the exact same thing.
- All right, we shall see.
- Okay.
Richard to the front entrance, please.
Richard to the front.
Look, I gotta move here.
I can't stay here.
Just hang on.
You have to move.
He's blocking everything.
What's he blocking, your view of Kim Kardashian's vagina? I'm just gonna drive around the block.
No, don't go round the block 'cause I need the manager to see the just What? Pull in here.
Come in this alleyway.
Just pull in there.
Good evening.
- Hello, you the manager? - I am.
Hi, yeah, I was just talking to - Jane.
- Jane and she seems to think I can't pop in for a quick drink.
Really? Do you have a reservation? Nope, he just walked up.
I didn't just walk up.
I was actually just chauffeured up in that.
- In a town car? - No, that's a limousine, you Does anyone in your limousine have a reservation? Right, um didn't want to have to mention this, but maybe I'm quite well-known in the UK.
Want me to Google him? There's no Googling.
There's no need to Google.
You're famous in England? Ahem.
Eh.
Sure, well, we have a number of British employees.
If I were to bring one down, they would know who you are? Eh.
Neville, please report Let's just keep Neville out of it, all right? Do you know what? I'm not gonna jump through your hoops.
I'd like you to notify your owner that you just turned away Stuart Pritchard.
- Sorry, Stuart - Pritchard.
- I'm Googling him.
- Why are you getting involved? It's nothing to do with you.
Just remember that face 'cause you'll be apologizing to it later.
Nothing on Google.
It's nothing to do with you, is it? Pathetic.
You're pathetic, if anyone is.
Just drive the car, please.
Yeah, I can't see the street.
You're gonna have to guide me out.
You're a professional driver.
Just reverse.
I can't go into the traffic 'cause I can't see anything.
Get out of the way.
Out of the way.
Sir, I told you you can't come in.
I'm not coming back in, am I? I'm moving the limousine.
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hang on a minute.
Just hang on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's the point of honking? I've got a limousine.
There's no point honking.
Why you taking pictures? Who you gonna sell them to? It's for my private collection.
You can honk all you like.
There's a limousine here.
It was a limo.
Remember this face, mate, all right? Remember it.
- Open the door! - Oh, my God.
It's definitely about hormones, and they change every seven years in a seven-year cycle, so I used to have to wash my hair every three days.
Now I have to wash it every day.
Wow.
They say you're only supposed to do it every other day.
Hey, who wants to watch a film? Oh, my God, you know what I watched the other night and it's still great? - What? - "10 Things I Hate About You.
" - Oh, Heath Ledger.
You guys.
- I know.
Well, actually, I had a film in mind.
"Battleship Potemkin.
" Hmm? Oh, is that the one with Rihanna? Oh, no.
You're thinking of "Battleship.
" Uh, this is "Battleship Potemkin.
" Apparently, it is "one of the most important films of all time.
" Who's in it? Uh Mikhail Gomorov, Vladimir Uralsky, and, oh Aleksanteri Ahola-Valo.
'Cause we clubbin' and we buzzin' Yes, we gonna get it here till the nightfall There's nothing else Hello, ladies.
Where the party at? Up your ass.
Just don't talk like that in front of ladies.
What, you want to fucking stop me? No.
This is so much fun.
We should rent a limo every week.
Hey, ladies.
Where you heading? We don't know.
We're from St.
Louis.
We're here to party.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is the best party in L.
A.
right in here.
Just three dudes having fun.
Nothing weird.
We're not getting in there.
Oh, come on.
We've got free booze! Well, no, the booze is not free.
They're actually charging us for the booze, but you can still have some.
All right, stop, stop, stop.
Listen, I guarantee you one of you was just complaining about having to walk in those heels, right? This water's free, though.
Okay, wait, wait.
How do we know you're not just gonna attack us? - Yeah.
- Please, definitely not.
We're harmless.
We are not going to attack you.
We're nice guys.
I'm disabled - Yeah.
- and this guy's got no upper body strength.
None whatsoever.
I'm pathetic.
I don't know.
Come on.
Listen, you're on vacation.
Have an adventure.
Come on, don't make me beg.
- Hold on.
- We are disabled.
If you've got any CDs, there's a CD player in here as well.
Okay, one drink.
- Whoo! - Oh, all right.
Come on in.
It's going down 'cause we clubbin' and we buzzin' Yes, we gonna get it here till the nightfall If nothing else, lose yourself, get outta control A lotta cruisin' with music and alcohol I think I'm gonna get some more wine.
Yeah, I need a refill, too.
Hey, should I should I pause the movie? We were talking, and, um it's Saturday night, and we were thinking maybe we should just go out.
Okay, yeah.
I know the movie was kind of heavy.
- No, it was amazing.
- I really like the movie.
I definitely want to rent it again.
I just didn't like it tonight.
Russia looks beautiful.
Oh.
So, what do you guys want to do instead? - Bottoms up? Hey! - Whoa! - Ah! - Oh.
You guys.
Hey, let's get a photograph of this happy moment.
- Oh, just us? - Yeah, yeah.
Oh! Oh, I didn't that one didn't come out, so we better do that one again.
No, uh, no.
Get another couple of these.
Yeah, you're she's wise to my little plan.
- The party has begun.
- Oh, yeah, more.
Is it true what they say about men with big feet? Yes, it is.
It is.
We have great trouble finding shoes that fit.
- That's not what I meant.
- I know exactly what you meant, madam.
Let me try one on.
You are trying to get me undressed, methinks.
Yes, well, you found out my secret.
Hang on a minute.
Sorry, excuse me.
Keep it quick.
What do you want? The salon is over.
We had a very stimulating time, but we were wondering if we could come join you in the limo.
What, you or your friends? Both.
But definitely your friends.
Yes.
Tell the girls I'm on my way.
It's nice, but I'm afraid it could get stuck on there and then drop it.
Good news.
Ladies, your chariot awaits.
Ooh.
Thank you so much.
You're so cool.
You're so cool.
Get in there, you.
Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
How much fun is this? How much fun are we having, huh? Cheers.
Cheers.
- Cheers, cheers.
- Cheers.
You may have noticed, I've actually got a hot tub at my place.
We could always pop back later and tub it up.
- Wade, am I wrong? - No, he's right.
- Yeah, see? - He's right.
How much fun are we having tonight? So, is this, like, a typical Saturday night in Hollywood? You know, renting a limo? Or is this a special occasion? Well, I actually I hired this for me and my wife, but, um but, yeah, she couldn't make it, so - Oh.
- Yeah.
She lets you party without her, huh? - Your wife rocks.
- Yeah.
Yeah, she does.
I'm gonna make another toast.
- Hollywood nights! - Whoo, yeah! You know, I, um I'm actually, I think I'm gonna go sit up front for a little bit.
I'm I'm feeling carsick.
- Oh.
- Yeah, could you pull over just for a second? - Thanks so much.
- Really? Oh, you can go.
Oh, could you put the divider up? Oh, sure.
Well, that was weird.
That's never happened before.
Mm.
Boy, traffic.
I know.
Everybody's out tonight.
- Sure seems like it, right? - It does.
Oh, yes, it's Have you you been to London? - No.
- Never been? It's great.
I've been twice.
- Yeah, it is.
- The closest I got was I spent a summer in Ireland doing this horror movie.
Oh, wow, really? Where in Ireland? Dublin.
- Whereabouts in Dublin? - Blackrock.
- Blackrock, really? What street? - Leeson Street.
- Leeson Street? - Yeah, do you know it? No, I've never been to Dublin.
But I've always wanted to go.
- I've been to Ireland.
- Good for you.
Isn't it weird that you spent all that time in Ireland and I'm from England and they're sort of neighbors? It's quite a weird coincidence.
My grandmother was born in London.
How's that for a coincidence? Um So, tell me more about this horror movie.
Um, Maxine's at the Prada party at Ambassador Room.
- We should go.
- Amazing.
I love the Ambassador Room.
I was there earlier.
I just don't think that we can get everyone in.
Listen, why don't the four of us go in and we'll leave the limo with the tourists and the disabled guy? Sure.
Yeah, that's cool.
Um, okay.
- Hey, there she is.
- It's tight in here.
It is tight, it is tight, it is tight.
- Bye.
- Bye, guys.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
Should we come in? Uh, no, um, unfortunately, it's guest list only, but, uh enjoy the rest of your trip.
Nice to meet you.
Bye, cheers.
I'll hold down the fort.
Buh-bye.
Oh, you look so cute.
Come on in.
- You look skinny.
- You guys look adorable.
Oh, this schmuck again.
Sir, I told you, you can't come in without a reservation.
Uh, no, I don't have a reservation, but I'm actually with these ladies and they do have a reservation.
- Ladies, I'm with you, right? - Yeah, he's with us.
All right? Who's the schmuck now? Hey, why are you ditching the teachers? - 'Cause I really like Nikki.
- Yeah.
I know I say this a lot, but I've been talking to her and I think she's got a real kind of emotional intelligence, and I felt like we connected on quite a sort of I don't know, quite a profound level.
You know what I mean? You know she has a boyfriend, right? - What about Ashley? - She has a fiancé.
- Lisa? - She wants you to stop staring at her chest.
Well, then, she should wear a bra that fits.
Why didn't you give me this intel before? I had a sure thing in the limo.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Out of the way! Oh, I love this fucking idiot.
Wait! Wait, Kives, stop! Listen.
Hello.
I was at this other party, and I thought, "What am I doing here? This is where the party's at.
" So I'm back.
What were you talking about? The time that you guys kissed in college? - Oh, no, no.
- Do you wanna kiss now? - No! - We're gonna need some more champagne.
So, how long were you in London for? - Fuck off.
- Yep.
Hey, Wade.
You sure you don't want to join us? No, no, I'm beat.
All right.
Good night, buddy.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Be safe, all right? After party! St.
Louis! St.
Louis! Why do they have to have the party here? It's always so crowded.
Yeah, they should've had it at Bootsy Bellows.
Oh, have you been to Pour Vous? It's the same guys that do Bootsy's.
No, no, no.
You're thinking of Shore Club.
Pour Vous is the same guys as Harvard & Stone.
I haven't been to Harvard & Stone.
Should I go? Yeah, it's good on Wednesdays.
Maybe I'll check it out.
Yeah, you know, actually, it's pretty good.
You might like it, you might not.
Hey, you guys.
I think I'm gonna go.
- Oh, why? - Wait, no.
Yeah, I'm tired.
All right, well, see you later, mate.
I can't go 30 days without talking to Marion.
It's gonna be hard.
Well, you made it through today, no problem, didn't ya? Actually, I had to go up front and cry for a while.
- Did you? Oh.
- Yeah.
Well, thanks for doing it up front and not in front of the women.
Well, yeah, I you know, I thought it might ruin the mood.
- Definitely would've.
- Yeah.
I appreciate that, thanks.
But, uh, listen.
You know, if you need to talk, - I'm here for ya.
- Thank you.
Unless there's women around, in which case, obviously - Of course.
- keep quiet.
No, I wouldn't.
I wouldn't.
- Okay.
Come here.
- Okay.
Oh! There he goes.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Come here.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Give him one as well.
- All right.
See ya.
- I'll see ya.
All right.
Home, Jeeves.
I heard you caught a falling star Down on Sunset Boulevard What a souvenir It only sparkled for the night And when you held it in the light The glitter disappeared Look who's lonely now Welcome to the other side Look who's lonely now You know my arms are open wide There's a lot of fun uptown That sophisticated crowd Took you for a ride When they finally let you down There was no one else around Who could sympathize