Hey Arnold! (1996) s01e02 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold!
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Hey!
Hey, who's doing that?
Cut it out.
What? What?
(SCOFFS)
Arnold. What a boob.
And yet (SIGHS)
What a dreamboat.
HELGA: (VOICE-OVER)
Your eyes like two jelly beans
are pools I want to bathe in.
In the classroom,
my heart doth swoon.
And yet, I want
to beat your face in.
(SIGHS)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(CHATTERING)
HELGA: Move it!
What are you
looking at, geek-bait?
(SIGHS)
(SNIFFS)
(SIGHS)
Suddenly,
I feel inspired.
I close this tome
with my signature, beloved.
H is for the head
I'd like to punt.
E is for every time
I see the little runt.
L is for longing
for our firstist kiss.
G is for how good
that longing is.
(SIGHS)
And A is for
Arnold, of course.
Duh!
One side, moron.
Hey, what's this
little pink book?
It isn't yours?
Please.
(LAUGHING)
What's so funny?
Arnold,
who wrote this stuff?
What is it?
Listen to this.
"To Arnold,
"with the red-hot lips.
ARNOLD: (GASPS)
"Your football head,
your awesome face,
"your grungy chic,
your cat-like grace.
"Whose wet hot lips
do I want to taste?
"Three guesses, stupid.
"Arnold! Arnold! Arnold!"
(EVERYONE LAUGHS)
Well, it must have been
some other Arnold.
It fits your description
pretty well, "hot lips."
Grandpa!
(ALL LAUGH)
Sorry,
I couldn't resist.
ARNOLD: Give me that.
BOY: Hey, let me read one.
(ALL LAUGHING AND TEASING)
MARTY:
So long, Romeo.
(CRASHING AND CLANGING)
(GASPS)
HELGA: (VOICE-OVER)
Oh, my!
(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)
Hey!
Listen to this one.
"Let me count the hairs"
(GERALD LAUGHING)
Why did I sign my name?
I was too bold.
Those poems
weren't meant to be seen
until I'm dead and buried.
And worms
have consumed my flesh.
Arnold must never
see that last page.
Ah, I'll steal inside
his room somehow.
There are ways to find out
who wrote those poems.
Just have to be scientific.
Wait. Don't touch that.
It's evidence.
Note the bite marks
on the pencil.
The strands of hair.
But first, we make
the list of suspects.
Okay, who was there
at the bus stop?
Let's see.
Jennifer was there.
The one who always chews
with her mouth open?
Ugh! No way!
Dodie?
Not!
Hmm
Some older girls
were there.
Wait a minute.
Ruth McDougal was there.
GERALD: Ruth? Arnold.
She's in the sixth grade.
It could happen.
Dream on.
There's only
one way to find out.
We need to collect
some evidence from
every girl on that list.
That'll take all day.
Not with Abner.
(WHISTLES)
(GRUNTING)
(CHUCKLES) A pig?
What's he going to do?
Here, boy. Smell this.
(SNIFFS)
(SQUEALING)
GERALD: Wow!
Look at him go.
(SQUEALING)
ARNOLD:
Hey, Abner, wait up.
(GASPS)
Wait up!
(SIGHS)
Ha! (GRUNTS) Ow!
I'm in his room.
A place I've often
visited in my dreams.
The temple
of your soul, my love.
(SIGHS)
(SNIFFS)
Oh, my gosh!
What is that shampoo?
(GASPS)
ARNOLD: Go on, Abner.
Go on downstairs.
(GASPING)
ARNOLD: It seems like
he'd be good at this.
I don't know.
Abner might be
a good truffle hound
but he's
a lousy detective.
I'll say.
Hey, wait a minute.
Something's wrong here.
Something's missing.
I know.
(BEEPING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
That's better.
Let's get down
to the evidence.
Exhibit 1,
the drinking glass from
Jennifer's cafeteria tray.
Check.
Exhibit 2,
Dodie's retainer.
Check.
Exhibit 3,
Ruth McDougal's hair ribbon.
(GROWLING)
Fingerprints.
Yup.
They're human.
Hmm.
Negative.
Hmm
Negative.
GERALD: All right,
let's have Ruth's ribbon.
Is it Ruth's hair?
Is it? Huh?
Mmm-mmm.
So, Gerald, when these
results come out,
will we finally know
who wrote the poems?
No. I was just
making hot chocolate.
Okay,
based on our research,
we can safely deduce
that our suspect is female,
lives in the Tri-City area
and is somewhere between
the ages of 8 and 87.
Ooh, we're doing good.
Okay, let's narrow
the field a little.
This yearbook has
the autograph of
every kid at P.S. 118.
We're going to compare
handwriting on each
suspect on the list.
(SOFTLY)
Oh, no.
Let's start with
Ruth McDougal.
Arnold, face it, man.
It's not Ruth.
It never was Ruth.
It's never
going to be Ruth.
Okay?
Or just maybe,
she purposely changed
her handwriting because
she was too shy
to let me know
how much she really cares.
GERALD:
All right, let's go.
Abigail V. Armstead
Nope. Definitely not.
Jennifer Barnes
Amy Oblemeyer
Hey, Arnold. I give up.
The next name
on this list is
Helga Pataki.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(GROWLS)
You hear something?
ARNOLD: Must be coyotes.
Let's face it, Arnold.
We're stumped.
We aren't any closer
to figuring this out
and we've been
working all night.
(YAWNS)
Let's take a break.
(SOFTLY) Yes, take a break!
Let's go down to Slausen's
and get an ice cream cone.
Yeah. I could go
for some ice cream.
(SOFTLY)
Yes! Ice cream.
Good plan.
ARNOLD: But, then again
Oh, come on, Arnold.
Well
(SOFTLY)
Go, go.
What was that?
I must stop talking
to myself.
Are you sure
you don't hear something?
Look,
we're both tired.
I'm just going to go
straight to bed.
Okay,
see you tomorrow, Arnold.
See you.
Grubworm,
this is Mighty Falcon.
Mighty Falcon!
Phoebe, it's me Helga.
Listen, call my mom
and tell her
I'm sleeping over with you.
Just do it.
Good night, sweet prince.
(BEEPING)
(YAWNING)
(MOANING)
Morning, short man.
Ever find out who
your secret admirer is?
Nah, whoever it is,
I wish they'd go
jump up a rope.
Why I remember
when I was your age
I don't actually remember.
But still, you're pretty
darn lucky to have someone
who cares
about you so much.
You know, it is kinda cool.
Obsessive, but cool.
See you later,
Grandpa.
Book's gone straight
to the kid's head.
(BELL RINGS)
"The little twerp
who sets my soul aflame.
"Put them all together,
they spell Arnold"
(ALL LAUGHING)
GERALD:
That's unbelievable.
Hey, Helga,
what's wrong with you?
You sleep in
a closet or something?
(CHUCKLING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
GERALD: Oh, man, Arnold,
that is
the corniest poem yet.
GIRL: Whoever wrote 'em
is pathetic.
Read another one.
Okay.
This is the last page.
(GASPS)
Here goes.
H is for the head
I'd like to punt.
E is for every time
I see the little runt.
L is--
Hey, what
did you do that for?
First spit-ball of the day,
football head. Yes.
What is it with her?
Please, really much,
Help me! (SCREAMS)
GERALD: Nothing like
a field trip, huh, Arnold?
Huh? What?
Oh, are we
at the aquarium yet?
GERALD: Not yet.
But, we better
get there soon.
Everyone is getting
kinda restless.
I'll say.
(LAUGHING)
Look, I'm a whale.
(LAUGHING)
What do you mean
you've never been
to the aquarium?
Last time we had
a field trip there,
we were in the first grade,
and I had the chicken pox.
Oh, it was great, man.
They had this
tide pool thing,
full of those fat rays,
you can touch
with your fingers.
It was really
slimy and disgusting.
I went back nine times.
And they've got
a penguin named Stuart
who eats his own barf.
And Slimo the sea snail,
who can draw a replica
of the Mona Lisa with
his mucus trail.
Of course,
I can do that too.
See?
Dweeb!
And they've got Lock Jaw.
ALL: Yeah, Lock Jaw!
Lock Jaw?
Who's Lock Jaw?
(CHATTERING IN BUS)
(SHRIEKING WITH EXCITEMENT)
Wow!
GUIDE:
Welcome to the city aquarium.
We have a few
simple rules to follow.
No feeding the fish.
No tapping on the glass.
No diving in the shark tank.
No video cameras.
No photography.
No sushi chefs.
(SIGHS)
So, who's Lock Jaw?
Are you kidding me?
He's only the scariest
sea monster in the ocean.
If there was a battle
between him
and a giant squid,
Lock Jaw would win.
I heard he could ram
a boat with his head
and sink it.
I heard he could
swallow a kid whole.
And spit out the bones.
Lock Jaw, huh?
Cool.
No guns, no knives,
no plastic explosives
and most of all,
no skateboards.
Hey,
is that Lock Jaw?
Yeah, right.
(GROWL)
Which one's Lock Jaw?
Are you kidding?
Lock Jaw could suck
these guys up like vermicelli.
Hey, Arnold,
we're going
to see Lock Jaw.
Come on.
(CHATTERING)
ALL: Oh!
MAN (ON SPEAKER):
And now, presenting
the terror of the deep,
the ancient reptile
whose ancestors date back
over 150 million years,
the mighty Lock Jaw.
(ALL CHEERING)
That's Lock Jaw?
Big deal.
He seemed a lot bigger
when we were in first grade.
He's not so scary.
What a rip!
(GRUMBLING)
Yes! I got him. Yes!
STINKY:
Sad turtle weenie. Bye.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Lock Jaw?
Hey, Lock Jaw?
Hey, man.
ALL: Bye, Arnold.
STINKY:
Sorry that turtle bites.
I got him. Yes!
Excuse me, sir,
we're selling
chocolate turtles
to raise money
for our troop trip
to Scotland.
Hmm, no thanks.
(MEOWING AND BARKING)
Hi, Grandpa.
Hey there, short man.
How do you like
my new turtleneck?
It's nice, Grandpa.
Now if I can only find
my tortoise shell glasses.
Then I'd really
be looking snazzy.
(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Who is it?
It's me, mon Capitan.
I brought you a sandwich.
I'm really
not hungry, Grandma.
What's the matter?
I haven't seen you
this down since
von Kluck swept through
Belgium back in August '14.
I don't know, Grandma.
Let me ask you
something, Grandma.
How would you feel
if you were living
in the ocean
and some scientist
put you in a tank?
What? No, sir.
They'll never catch me.
Never.
Calm down, Grandma.
It's a hypothetical question.
Why didn't you say so?
See, we went
to the aquarium today
Oh, the big house for fish.
And there's this
really old turtle there.
Old, eh?
Yeah.
And his shell's all
covered with graffiti
and his water's dirty.
Kids throw stuff at him.
And he's old?
Yeah.
And sad and dirty.
And his tank's too small.
And he's old.
Yeah--
Why, this is an outrage.
and then--
Treating a wise
old creature like he's some
sort of common criminal.
I think they just--
Come on.
There's not a moment to lose.
But--
I said, come on.
We've got a mission
to complete.
I know
it's in here somewhere.
(MEOW)
Grandma,
what are you doing?
We're taking action.
Righting a wrong.
Grasping at straws.
Aha!
Perfect.
(CAR REVIVING)
From now on,
call me Chief.
And you're Agent 9.
Take this, Number 9.
It's our gear.
Grandma, do you
have a driver's license?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GRANDMA LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
(TIRES SCREECH)
Grandma,
we're trespassing.
This is public property.
Well, we're the public,
aren't we?
(CLANGING)
(GRUNTING)
Good, the sentry's
not at his post.
Now's our chance.
Come on.
You lead, Number 9.
You know where
the prisoner's cell is.
GUARD: (CHUCKLING)
Here, have a cookie.
Oh,
you tossed your cookies.
(CHUCKLING)
Here, have a cookie.
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, you tossed
your cookies again.
(CHUCKLING)
GRANDMA:
Oh, my goodness!
This is worse
than I thought.
See. I told you.
I know one thing
that'll cheer him up.
Hey, I think
he's starting to trust us.
Good. Then we can
get him out of here.
But, Grandma,
isn't that against the law?
Against the law of
the King, perhaps,
but against the law
of common decency,
I think not.
Don't worry, buddy.
We're busting you
out of this joint.
Now you're getting
the hang of it, number 9.
(BOTH GRUNT)
Be careful.
Don't get too close
to his mouth.
(SHRIEKS)
Grandma?
There darn sleeves
are too long.
(BOTH GRUNT)
MAN: (ON SPEAKER)
Lock Jaw is a rare and
endangered Galapagos tortoise.
He weighs
well over 400 pounds.
Wait here, Grandma.
I got an idea.
(GUARD LAUGHING)
Hey,
let's go, big shark.
Come on, jaws.
Bite me.
(LAUGHING)
Punch it, Grandma.
Do you think he knows
the way to the ocean?
Well, sure,
It's instinct.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Run! Be free!
Go, live and love again.
Hey, Grandma.
Yes, Number 9.
You're the best.
So are you, Arnold.
GRANDMA: Now, come on.
All this exercise
gives me a hankering
for some turtle soup.
(SIGHS)
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)