Hiccups (2010) s01e02 Episode Script

Hi, doc, is that you? Yeah, it's me.
Me who? Me Stan.
You just asked me if I was- I'm sorry, there's no one here named Stan.
I see, okay, very funny.
Could you let me in now? I'm sorry, there's no one here named Millie.
I never even said the name Millie, so how do you know I'm looking for somebody named Millie? Uh you're breaking up.
I'm going into a tunnel.
Your condo's going into a tunnel? Come on, Millie, buzz me in.
There's no one here named Buzz.
Do you mean Buzz Aldrin, the famous astronaut? Hello.
This is Buzz Aldrin.
Who is this? I'm kidding, doc.
It's me, Millie.
Come on up.
You in, doc? Ah, there's someone at my door.
Buzz? Is that you? Wow, you are really committed to that gag.
Thanks.
Come on in.
Wow, nice place.
Yeah, gets me from a to b.
Can I get you a cup of coffee? Sure.
Okay, I'll be right back.
Whoa, where you going? There's a coffee shop down the block.
Oh, well, don't- I mean, I just thought you had it here.
No, alls I've got is creamsicles and pie.
I like both of those.
You, uh, just moving in? No, I've been here a month or two.
What is this, April? September.
You lie.
No, it's September.
Really? I should probably unpack some of this stuff.
Okay, pie.
Um, apple or shepherd's? I think this writer submitted this same exact manuscript two years ago.
Did you publish it? If I'd published it, why would What are you doing over there? Same thing I do over there, except this chair is way more comfortable.
Could you just sit up at the reception desk, please? But this chair is awesome, and there's magazines to read.
Well, maybe if you think real hard, you can figure out a way to take one of these magazines with you.
Yeah, but getting this chair over there Leave the chair, take a magazine, and get back to your desk, and would you take care of this plant? I'm going to the bank.
The bank? You're going to tell daddy just 'cause I wasn't at my desk? I'm going to sign mortgage papers.
Your dad will say, "So, how's my little girl working out?" And I'll say "fantastic, she's sharp as a tack.
" Then I'll sign the papers and own this building.
And then can I go for lunch? Sharp as a tack.
It's kind of hard to eat pie with popsicle sticks.
I can't remember which box my silverware is in.
So you've lived here nine months, you haven't unpacked? I've unpacked some stuff.
Bingo! And my toothbrush.
Well, this is good.
I mean, I came here to see how you live, so I could get inside your head a bit.
See what makes you tick.
So, what's the scoop, doc, am I nuts? Well, I-I wouldn't say I mean, that's not the proper You know, even if I thought you were We don't say "nuts.
" Coconuts? Listen, who's to say this isn't perfectly healthy, right? Maybe it's smart to leave all your stuff packed until you decide you really like a place.
I love this place.
I want to live here until I'm 190.
Probably safe to unpack, then.
You know, you're right.
It's about time I made this place my own.
Put my stamp on it.
Good for you.
Where do you want to start? I'm going to paint my front door.
How's Crystal today? Who are you talking to? You.
Isn't your name Crystal? Yeah, but you said "How's Crystal?" Like you were talking about me, but to someone else.
It's just a fun kind of thing I do.
People like it.
They do? Not always.
Was there something else? Uh, if you have a minute, yeah.
I'm here to see Joyce.
Joyce, there's someone here to see you.
Taylor is.
Tyler is here to see you.
Taylor.
Joyce? Hello? Wonder why I'm not answering.
I must be busy.
Oh, I didn't know you were out.
I told you I was going to the bank.
I think I would have remembered that.
What do you want, Taylor? Oh, Taylor is here to see you.
I was just in the 'hood, thought I'd pop in and see how the European numbers are for Millie's new book.
Zero.
Oh no.
Oh no, that's terrible.
Um, I mean, it's not terrible.
Like, don't panic.
Millie's book doesn't go on sale until next week.
Glad to see you're on top of things.
That's my job.
I'm not sure I understand the point of painting your door.
It changes the colour.
No, I understand what the result will be.
I'm just saying, you got a lot of boxes in your condo, and, you know, there doesn't really seem to be anything wrong with your door.
It's not purple enough.
Wow, well, problem solved.
What would you call that, nuclear purple, or- Excuse me, what are you doing? See? Everyone wants in on the action.
It's like I'm Huckleberry Jim.
Grab a brush, neighbour.
I meant grab your own, but, okay, you're excited.
You can't just arbitrarily decide to paint your door.
Oh, you need primer first.
It's not arbitrary.
I've been thinking about this since What is this, march? When you bought your condo, you signed an agreement which states that you cannot unilaterally alter the conformity of your condo's exterior aesthetic.
Yes, however, the one thing that you didn't take into consideration was- Oh, you better step in, doc, before I go Three Stooges on this jerk.
Oh, hi, I-I'm Stan Dirko.
Lewis Farwyk.
I'm head of the homeowners council for this building.
Where do I know you from? I'm head of your homeowners council for this building.
Whoa, deja vu.
So anyway, I thought you might be interested in publishing some stuff from a couple of my clients.
I publish Millie.
Millie is your client.
Millie's set and established, and raking in fat cash with her grumpy books.
Grumpaloo.
I've got this new guy who writes cook books where he cooks stuff on the manifold of his car.
But here's the kicker- he only cooks stuff that he's run over.
Look at this thing.
I water it, I give it light.
Is there something else a plant needs? Do you water any of these? Yes.
Sometimes.
No.
Listen, I know someone who's great with plants.
Really? Absolutely.
If I can get her in here to fix your plants, will you take look at my new clients' books? Yes, I will.
Great.
Wait, not just look at them, but also read them.
You're sharper than I thought.
Yes, I will read them too.
Deal.
She'll get right on this, as a favour to me.
We're tight.
She's gorgeous, too.
Got a bit of a thing for me.
Wendy? Babe, s'up? It's T-bone.
Who? Oh, yeah, sweetheart, I miss-I miss you, too.
Is this Taylor I thought I told to drop dead? Maybe, maybe.
Listen, I need you to do me a solid.
How about you do me a solid and pay me back the hotel bill from Banff.
Then drop dead.
Okay then, I'll tell you all about it over dinner.
Gotta run.
Phew That poor kid has it bad.
Oh, so you're saying the homeowners agreement says she can't change her door without some kind of permission or something.
Permission? What are you, my babysitter? Okay, Millie, let's just stay calm.
Well, why would I- oh, my God, you're the slow guy.
The term is "mentally challenged," and, no, I'm not.
The slow guy who takes nine years to order a stupid cup of coffee at the coffee shop.
You're the crazy lady who yelled at me in the lineup.
Because it took you longer to order a cup of coffee than it did to roast it.
Okay, Millie, remember, this is exactly the type of thing we're trying to work on.
Well, you better give me something, doc, 'cause I am set to pop here.
Oh, okay, um- I need a distraction, stat! Just let me- tick, tick, tick! Okay, well, woogida-woogida-woogida! Doopity-doo! Look at me, look at me! What was that about? Distraction.
From the situation.
Yeah, but "woogida-woogida-woogida?" It worked, didn't it? Well, I don't Ah! What do you know! That paint is coming off.
You're a pain in the pants, you know that? So then what did Millie do? Did she flip out or anything? Well, she wanted to, you could tell.
It looked like the water in her eyes was starting to boil.
So, what did you do? Like, what is the role of a life coach in a situation like that? Well, you know, assess the situation, calculate potential risk factors, try and formulate a-a reasonable What? Nothing, I just, I thought you were making that sandwich for me.
Why did you think that? Because when I came home, you said, "hey, you want a sandwich?" Not sure where I got lost there.
I'm not sure either.
I left all the sandwich stuff out for you, but then you didn't make a sandwich.
Well, I just assumed you were making a sandwich for me.
They say never assume, right? You and I were both assuming, and look what it got us.
Got you.
Didn't get me anything.
That could be a lesson in your life coaching.
Share that with your students.
Clients.
Hey, speaking of sharing The stuff is right there.
So, did you calculate Millie's factors and situations and come up with a solution? You know, it It came to a resolution.
Okay, you've both had your say.
Millie, you've expressed how you feel about this.
And I feel good about it.
And, Lewis, you say you're going to speak to the homeowners council.
And my lawyers.
Great, so we'll leave it there for now.
We square? You try to be a good neighbour.
Hey, Jules? It's T-bar.
Yeah, I know, it's been a while.
Listen, you remember when we had that fight and you threw that big fern at me? Did you grow that yourself? Because when it hit me, I noticed it was pretty lush.
Hello? Boy, that Lewis really salts my soup.
I mean, where does he get off telling me I can't paint my own door? I mean, where are we, communist France? Well, this agreement is pretty clear about what you can and can't do to your condo.
Did you read it before you signed it? Of course I did.
Or maybe I didn't, that's another possibility.
"No unit holder may alter the appearance" of his or her unit's outer facade "without approval from the homeowner council.
" I'll paint my door green, then! I think you're maybe missing the- Hello? Hey, kiddo.
Do you know anyone who knows how to not kill a plant? Let me think for a second.
Well? Well what? Did you think of someone? I was thinking about something else.
I'm not finished.
Hang on.
Boy, that jerk really frosts my cake.
I mean, it's my damn door.
Okay, I'm back.
Who'd you kill? Nobody.
Listen, I need to find someone who knows about plants.
Stan, do you know anything about plants? My wife's a gardener.
Ooh, she might know somebody.
Stan's wife's a gardener.
You have their number, right? Yeah, I don't think that'll work, though.
I told Joyce this person was a looker.
Anna's pretty good-looking.
Well, what's that got to do with gardening? It's Taylor.
I'll put him on speaker phone.
But how good looking? 'Cause she's got to be hot.
How is she built? What the hell? You're on speakerphone.
Oh.
Hey, Stan.
Is your wife hot? Crystal, do you have some string or something? What? String or wire or anything? Use the intercom.
You're all muffled.
Get in here! Why even buy an intercom if you're not going to use it? I thought I told you to take care of these things.
I did.
I watered that one, like, five times today.
Well, then, what's wrong with it? Aren't you supposed to, like, talk to them or something? All right.
Talk to this plant.
What? It's part of your daily duties.
Hello, plant, what's up? That's cool.
This is stupid.
I shouldn't have to write a letter asking for approval.
No, this is good, plus it's therapeutic.
Give you a way to express yourself in a In a legal kind of a What's my wife's hotness got to do with anything? At least they can fall asleep reading my stuff.
I threw in more "hereupon" and "forthwith"s than they had.
I don't know about hooking up my wife with Taylor.
You didn't hook them up.
Everything is a potential hook-up to that guy.
"How is she built?" None of your beeswax, that's how she's built.
I stuck in a "heretoforthwithupon.
" Suck on that, condo council.
Millie, can you help me out here? Sorry.
Uh Woogida-woogida-woogida! Yippee-dippy-doo-doo! Well, it worked for me when you did it.
I don't need distraction.
I need assurance that my wife isn't going to get seduced by goodtime Johnny.
Get out of here.
Anna loves you so much it makes me want to barf chunks.
Aw, that's sweet.
Besides, Taylor has seduced so many women he's probably bored of it.
I gotta go.
And print.
One purple door coming up.
Notice to remedy? This is nothing personal.
It just means you have 48 hours to return your door to its original colour.
Yeah, I'll get right hereupon that forthwith.
This is no joke, miss jokeyboots.
Are you making fun of my boots? Remember when you were removed from the coffee shop for yelling at me? Well, if you continue to ignore the rules, you'll be removed from your home.
Will that be funny? These boots are expensive! So then Stacy called and was like, "I thought we were going to the mall?" And I said, "hello! I'm already at the mall.
Didn't you read my tweet?" And then she's like, "I'm at the mall too!" So I look up, and she's standing right there in front of Jugo Juice.
How's the plant? Uh, it doesn't talk back, Joyce.
Look who's back, and I brought a sexy solution to your plant problem.
Anna, meet Joyce and Crystal.
This is the gal I was telling you about.
You called her Wendy on the phone.
Did I? I don't think she noticed.
I hear your plants need a little TLC.
Oh, I don't know what chemicals they need.
Have a look at this one.
This plant is drowning.
How often do you water it? Ugh! With her bare finger.
I need a tums or something.
She never did mind getting a little dirty, if you know what I mean.
That made it worse.
Hi! Hi, everyone, I'm Stan.
I, uh, I work with Millie.
I was just walking by for no reason, and- oh, hey, look, there's my wife.
Hi, honey.
Hi.
See? She knows me.
As she would, being my wife and all that stuff.
You're dating a married woman? I had no idea.
Now, this is just- it's kind of hot, but still, wrong.
Joyce, I need to speak to your lawyer, because- hey, doc! Hi, Anna! Hey, Taylor.
Are you guys having a party? Well, thanks for the invite.
First I get kicked out of my condo, and now this.
You got kicked out of your condo? Slowpoke picky-pants says I will if the purple part doesn't come off.
Does that make sense to anybody? Thank God.
Okay, everybody listen up.
Taylor, you can leave now.
Wife of the guy I don't know, please fix my plants.
Guy I don't know, but everyone else seems to know, would you stick around so I can get to know you? Millie, have a seat in my office.
We'll figure out this condo thing.
Crystal, hold my calls.
This is what I was talking about.
It never ends.
Why do you want your door to be purple? Why does everyone want my door not to be purple? Because it would be ugly.
Ugly? Is a Violet in springtime ugly? Is a bruise on a child ugly? Is a ripe eggplant floating in a bucket of grape soda ugly? Bottom line is, you can't change the colour of your door.
Are you going to be okay with that? As a matter of fact, I am.
Why are you stroking your fake beard? So, you got the picture, did you? Yes, and I realize now that my harmless desire for a purple door is no match for your bossy jerkiness.
It's just my duty to make sure that everyone follows the agreement word for word.
And I'm happy to oblige.
What the hell is this? Um, the agreement says that I can't alter the appearance of my condo, but it doesn't say I can't alter the appearance of yours.
Word for word, pickypants.
Yes! It's like I'm friggin' Matlock! How did things work out with Anna? Great.
In fact, I hired her to look after all the plants in the building.
Well, then, I put up my end of the bargain, and if I'm not mistaken, you've got some manuscripts to read.
I already read them.
They're crap.
Hmm.
How's your panini? It's all right, a little stringy.
What is it? That is muskrat melt cooked to perfection on the manifold of a '74 dodge.
You still think that cookbook idea is crap? Get out.
Ew.
Get out! So, you sure you weren't attracted to Taylor at all? No, he's not my type.
Really? Because I mean, physically, you know, he's tall and handsome.
He's got that dimpled chin, icy blue eyes you could get lost in.
Are you falling for him? That's right, I'm in love with Taylor.
In fact, I'm having his baby.
His dimply blue-eyed baby.
Looks like you're pretty far along.
Okay Aw, see? You two are so in love it's stupid! What are you doing? The judge had some fancy name for it.
Community something? Service? Bull's eye! I had to clean off jerky's door, and dry-clean his shirt that I accidentally got paint on.
Accidentally? You threw your paintbrush at him.
At his face.
I didn't mean to get his shirt.
Anyway, all's well that ends with me not being sued.
Hey A nickel.
And they call this punishment? So little Missy Grumpaloo walked all over Grumpaloo Park picking up the dirty garbage.
Then mean Mr.
Fussypants yelled, "You can't pick up that garbage unless I give you permission! Because I'm the boss of everybody!" But Missy didn't listen, and when the garbage was all picked up, everyone thought she was a hero.
While Mr.
Fussypants yelled and yelled until his face turned bright purple, like an eggplant in grape soda, and it stayed that way forever.