Hit the Road (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 (Horns honking) (Cellphone vibrating, Reveille ringtone plays) Hey! Good morning, Swallow family! Oh, my God.
Take it down about 100%, for the love of God.
Can't do it, baby.
It's too exciting! Whoo! After the worst fucking night.
I got zero sleep.
Sirens and garbage trucks.
I swear I heard gunshots at some point.
That was Alex.
The burritos did not sit well.
I won't lie.
What's wrong with your sleeping bag, Alex? - Ohh.
- It's all puffed up.
Oh, morning wood.
I'm actually pitching a tent inside of a tent.
- It's so meta.
- You are disgusting.
Oh, like you've never seen a boner before.
Tuck it in your waistband, strap it to your leg.
Do not parade it around like a Macy's float.
Mom, can we shower in the bus before we go to the audition? I cannot go in front of the judges like this.
Uh, there's no time, Ria.
The doors open in 10 minutes.
I got a Chanel ad you can use when I'm done with it.
Ugh, why did we all have to stay out here? Couldn't Dad have held our place while we stayed on the bus? I can't do that, honey.
The rules expressly say that all members of the act have to be present at the time of admittance.
And we are gonna be the first ones admitted because Daddy plotted the shit out of this thing, and we are the first in line! Boom, baby! All right, now, provisions we've got breath spray in lieu of actual toothpaste.
All right, so just spray it, swish it, and spit.
We got water for rehydration.
And assorted bagels for breakfast.
Oh, I made Dad get you a gluten-free bagel, Jermaine.
- It's blueberry.
- Oh, thanks.
But I can't have blueberries.
They're high in antioxidants, and I'm prone to kidney stones.
W-Where's my bagel? Sorry, Dad.
I gave yours to Eddie.
- Eddie? Who's Eddie? - That homeless man that snuck into the tent last night.
You gave my breakfast to a homeless guy? - He was starving.
- I know how he feels.
Let it go.
Her heart was in the right place.
- You can have half of mine.
- Honey, that's a salt bagel.
I'm going on TV today.
If I eat that, I'm gonna retain.
Fine, don't eat.
You'll be very thin.
They'll think you're Mick Jagger.
All right, I think we've exhausted the oxygen in this thing.
Whoo! - Let's head out.
- Yeah! All right, Swallow family.
Let's greet the day.
Come on, Case.
- Ha ha! - I know, I know, I know.
(Siren wailing) Oh, yeah.
Get a load of that! (Laughs) Guys, you got to really take this in because we're gonna think about this day as the day we really turned a corner.
This is our springboard to everything we've ever dreamed of together, where we truly become America's finest family band.
Wh No, no.
No, no, no.
No, I'm sorry, sir, y-you can't be here.
This is our spot.
My My family camped out here overnight.
You You can slide in behind us.
- Can you believe this fucking guy? - Easy.
Um, D-Dad, are are you sure we're in the right spot? Yeah, of course we're in the right spot, buddy.
We're at the head of the line.
Then why is everybody facing that way? Well, that can't be good.
Let's not panic.
Let's not panic.
Let's, uh Let's ask our new friend what's going on, shall we? All right.
Excuse me.
Hi, I'm Meg.
Why Why Why is everyone facing this direction? Well, that's the way the line is headed.
Well, but, we're at the front of the line.
No, this is the back of the line.
But this is the main door.
The auditions are held at the stage door around the corner.
(Woman singing pitch) (Man singing scale) (Bagpipe playing) (Toy horn squeaking) Ahh! (Instruments tuning, playing) Aaah! Aaah! Um, we're gonna need this spot back.
Kiss my ass, Indian Giver.
- Lovely language, sir.
- Mom, what is going on? We're fucked.
- Wait, so we can't get in? - What?! Well, can't we call our manager? Kushman can get us in.
Oh, yeah, Kushman.
Ken? Yeah, Kushman's, uh, traveling today.
He's on a plane.
Can't be reached.
Next subject.
Oh, I'm getting bronchial restriction, and my inhaler's on the bus.
Okay, kids, I want you to pack everything up.
Alex, Jermaine, you go back to the bus.
You Go in the change drawer, get four hours of quarters to put in the meter.
Casey and Ria, I want you to stay here, hold our spot.
Your dad and I will figure out this whole line thing.
Yeah, we got it, we got it, we got it.
We're totally boned.
(Indistinct conversations) L-Look, uh, yes.
"Technically" we are at the back of the line, but that's an accident.
And And that's on us.
We own that.
But I swear to you, we were the first ones here.
Look, I got maybe 500 contestants here to deal with, folks who know how to form a line.
All right, all right.
I see.
You want to do it this way? That's fine with me.
Yes, thank you for the information.
$8.
37 and a Quizno's punch card? Ooh, I need that back.
I'm two punches away from a complimentary Classic Italian.
- Kenny, it's not enough.
- Definitely not enough.
Well, how much do you want? - $1,000.
- Oh, eat me.
You're wearing a candy striper blazer and pajama jeans.
We'll give you 200 bucks.
200 bucks and the Quizno's card.
- You got a deal.
- Okay.
That's eight months of my life.
(Sighs deeply) We'll be back.
If we can't bribe our way in and win something, we are dead.
This is the last of our savings.
I cannot believe I slept in a bag on the sidewalk for nothing.
I don't see what's the big deal with this show anyways.
Uh, global fame, recording contract, national tour, commercial endorsements, and 100 grand in prize money.
What don't you get? Well, I guess we could donate some of the money to help the homeless.
Ugh, you are such a friggin' child.
I'm trying.
I want to do the right thing Okay, I packed up all the camping stuff.
Let's head back.
Oh, h-hey, man, um, w-why don't you go without me? I can't find my inhaler.
What's wrong with the one in your left pocket? Man, how you know I had it on me? Are you kidding, Darth Vader? It's the only thing keeping you alive.
(Inhales) Plus, you distracted me last night by taking a hit while I was rubbing one out.
Come on.
Let's go.
I can't go, Alex.
I-I can't go on that show.
I-I'm terrified of Paul Hudson.
- The judge? - He's vicious.
He humiliates people for no reason.
He He once threatened to strangle a singer just because he was wearing a bow tie.
That doesn't really sound unreasonable.
Apologize to the family for me.
Because I'm not moving from this bus.
(Inhales) This guy is killing me.
(ATM whirring) Sir, you know you can deposit all the checks at the same time? Hmm? Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
He's just hungry.
Although, technically, he's right.
You can just slide the whole stack in 'cause the machine does the rest.
Oh, this fuck-knuckle is playin' me.
- He's playing me, now.
- (Shushing) I'm gonna go get you something to eat, okay, babe? And you are just gonna wait here patiently while this lovely gentleman finishes his transaction because you are kind, you are rational.
And then we will calmly get our cash, go to the stage door, and bribe that she-wolf.
- Okay? - Okay.
Thank you.
(ATM whirring) Um, I feel like you and I may have gotten off on the wrong footing.
It's just I have some deadlines that have significant ramifica It's all about you, isn't it, asshole? You're like my damn ex-wife.
Everything has to be her way alimony, child support, lawyer fees! (Cries) Yeah, marriage marriage can be rough.
Um, conversely, the ATM can really be your friend.
Take 'em.
You put 'em in.
- Well - Have at it, bitch.
Go! Okay.
(Chuckles) Excuse me.
You must be a part of the show.
I was just wondering what the chances of my family getting in to audition might be.
Family act? Not good.
I'm up to my nostrils in family acts.
What if they have a good human-interest story, like adopted kid from the inner city? Are you kidding me? I have a family of jugglers and plate spinners from Yemen who were imprisoned for six years by the Taliban.
Okay, forget family.
What about a solo singer? Maybe a budding young woman, and by "budding," I mean totally legal but just barely.
I will do anything to get on TV.
Uh, I like Asian dudes.
Good for you.
What I need for the show, though, is a duet.
That's great, because we are a duet.
What are you talking about? We're not a duet.
Oh, she's such a cute little shit, isn't she? It's all part of the act.
We do this snipey sister banter thing and then kick into some kick-ass tunes, right, Case? - No.
- This could definitely work.
Okay, stay right here.
I'm gonna go talk to some higher-ups, but I think I can get you on.
Get off me! Shut up.
Mm.
(Horn playing) What took you so long? There was an incident.
Let's leave it at that.
- Can I have this, please? - Yeah.
Mmm.
- Right? - I'm dying.
Mm.
Where'd you get this? Oh, just up the street there.
Street meat? This is street meat?! Honey, it's fine.
You said it was delicious.
It's poison, Meg.
This is poison.
Th-Those carts are rolling cesspools.
They literally never clean them.
I-It's uncooked meat.
It's out all night.
Rats are running over the whole thing.
They take it, and they put it in the same tepid water.
That's an E.
coli stew.
All right, you don't want it, give it to me.
Hang on, hang on.
I'll eat it.
I mean, Jesus Christ.
Okay, you wait here.
I'm gonna do the handoff.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You can't do the handoff.
Why not? This is a major bribe now.
It's kind of a "guy thing.
" You know what's a "guy thing"? Taking something that any idiot can do and calling it a "guy thing.
" That's a "guy thing".
I'm doing the handoff.
I'm not doing the duet thing with you, Ria.
We can't just ditch the family.
No, don't think of it as ditching the family, Casey.
Think of it as us growing closer.
(Gasps) Bonding.
Okay, what could be more precious? Last week, I watched you spit on my toothbrush after I accidentally knocked over your tampon box.
Okay, I was on my period.
I was cranky.
(Coughs) Take the money.
Are you an idiot? You can't just hand me money in front of potential contestants.
I've got the integrity of the show to consider.
I'm sorry, but you were ignoring me.
I was doing the dance.
Don't you know how to do the dance? Totally.
I can totally dance.
What now? Well, everyone's watching, so the drop is burned.
Take a walk around the block.
Try it again.
A whole block? That seems really excess ive.
Okay, I will do a lap.
Now, you do me a favor.
Give my husband a thumbs-up.
Let him know everything's okay.
You know, for the sister hood.
I'm gonna go.
I'm not doing your audition unless Mom and Dad say so, and that's final.
(Gasps) Hey, Eddie.
How was the bagel? Perfect.
- Bye! - So, that's your friend Eddie? Yeah? Do you know that taking a shopping cart from a supermarket's property is a misdemeanor? - You just made that up.
- Possibly.
But don't you think we should just flag a cop down and ask? - You wouldn't do that to Eddie.
- Crime is crime, Casey.
And it'd be criminal for us not to pair up.
That's all I'm saying.
(Groans, chuckles) Hot dog is coming back on me already.
All right, just take some deep breaths.
- It's just stress.
- It's not stress.
It's the opening act of a full-on digestive saga.
Street meat.
Why don't you give me cyanide next time? All right, you hit the port-a-potty, I'll make the drop.
No, no.
D-Don't "port-a-potty" me.
You already messed up the mission.
I told you.
I'll go.
It's a "guy thing.
" What do you mean "guy thing"? That's a woman.
I-I don't need the stress.
It's not helping me.
- I'll make the drop.
- Stop whining and go to the port-a-potty.
I can't use those things.
They're horrible.
They reek.
The dregs of humanity befoul them.
(Sighs) I can hold my fire.
I'm going in.
That is how that is done.
I don't think she knows it's there.
She knows it's there.
The woman's a professional.
She can't flaunt the cash in front of everybody.
That would violate the spirit of competition - we just paid to undermine.
- I have a bad feeling.
When she looks this way, give her a signal.
When she signals back, then we're good.
What kind of a signal? I don't know, a signal.
- Son of a bitch.
- Son of a bitch.
(Sighs) - What are you doing? - You're nervous.
I get it.
- The doctor is in.
- I can't smoke weed.
Chill.
I'm gonna do all the toking.
You're just gonna get a nice contact buzz.
Are you crazy? That'll trigger my asthma.
Right.
Asthma.
Okay.
No trouble, Barney Rubble.
We'll go with the THC spray.
Now, the only issue with the THC spray is you don't know quite how much it takes to hit the buzzer.
(Laughs) Mnh-mnh.
Th-This is not happening.
No, trust me, J-bro.
Figuring your height and weight, adjusting for metabolism and adrenaline I'm gonna prescribe you four sprays.
Best-case scenario, you like auditioning.
Worst-case scenario, you don't remember auditioning.
It's a win-win.
Let's do this.
Oh.
I'm gonna adjust you down to three.
(Sizzling) Excuse me.
Ria, Casey, where you guys going? We're getting into the audition.
Oh, you going to see that judge guy? Hoo-hoo-hoo.
He scares the shit out of me.
So, we're in.
Where's Mom and Dad? You didn't hear me.
We are getting in.
As in us and not you.
It's a long story, but it's kind of a downer, and I don't want to drag any negativity into the audition.
- Ass hat.
- You're bailing on the family? - That's messed up.
- Look around, Alex.
There are literally families everywhere.
We just passed a family of Syrian refugees.
They rap in Sanskrit.
I shit you not.
Isn't Sanskrit a written language? I used to know things like that.
Anyways, the point is, we did not stand a chance against the family, so Casey and I found an angle and we're playing it.
It's now or never, ladies.
Of course.
We're right behind you.
Oh, hold on, man.
My brother and I are a duo, too.
Yeah.
Interracial, rockin' the swirl That could be cool.
Follow us.
- Yeah! - Yeah! Are those the kids? Hey! KEN: Ria! Alex! Over here! - No.
- Did they just blow us off? Swallows, hold up! Now! If anyone turncoats right now, there will be a price.
What's going on? - Nothing.
- Doesn't look like nothing.
Looks like you're going in to audition without us.
Mom, the entire show is booked up with family acts.
They need duets.
Okay, like they say in "The Godfather," "It's nothing personal.
It's just business.
" You're going "Godfather" with me? Do you know what else they say in "The Godfather"? "Show me the money.
" No.
"Don't ever take sides with anyone against the family.
" But, we're "Don't ever take sides with anyone against the family!" You're getting spit all over me.
And tho And those that do sleep with the fish.
- Like Aquaman.
- Not what I meant.
And I don't want to overplay the "Mom" card here, but, uh, I did give birth to most of you little ingrates.
Do you have any idea what pregnancy does to a woman's body? Still trying to rejuvenate.
Yeah.
And it's very much a work in progress.
What? We're getting there.
But it's not what it was.
- Wow.
- Guys, are we doing this or not? - Yes, please.
- Come on.
- Get inside.
Let's go.
- Mom, Pops.
Don't be mad.
It's not me doing this.
It's the marijuana spray.
Don't do this, Jermaine.
I'm warning you.
Jermaine! You do not want to cross me right now! I shit you not! Ohh! That's such an unfortunate phrase right now.
So, I understand you're looking for duets.
My husband and I are actually Kengie, the pop-folk duo from the '80s? Well, late '80s.
Uh, "So, Do Me Do"? "Oil It Up"? "Sweet '88"? Are you speaking English? Husband and wife retro act, turning back the clock to reclaim their former glory.
- Ah, I think I can sell that.
- A monkey could sell that.
Meg, I am not going in there.
I am not going against the family.
You listen to me.
Fredo may have died, but he never shit himself.
So, we are gonna go in there and handle one crisis at a time.
Hey, if we're going, let's go.
Okay, you know what has to happen now.
The most talented Swallows will sing and win! (Man, woman singing scales, tap dancing) Listen up, everyone.
We are running really behind today, so I only have time for a couple more auditions.
Have your material ready if I call on you.
- Ugh! - Yeah? (Groaning) RIA: Hey.
Yeah, let's go rehearse, yes.
God Hoo! Hoo! Aah! (Whimpering) (Groaning) Ooh, you suck! You (Whimpering) Here's my Ebony and Ivory.
My mouth is dusty.
I need a Popsicle.
Uh, no Popsicles.
But my bosses are loving this whole "Brothers From Other Mothers" thing.
Okay, you're on deck.
No Popsicles? But I want a Popsicle.
(Cologne spraying) (Cologne sprays) (Sniffs) (Whistles) (Indistinct talking, horn playing) What's going on? Alex and Jermaine go on next.
Why do you smell like a meadow? All right, listen to me.
We have worked way too hard to let these little bitchlets blow it all to pieces.
What do you have in mind? Well, let's take advantage of the fact that they occasionally bicker and use it to our advantage.
I mean, we know what makes each of them tick.
And then we gon' make 'em go tick, tick, boom.
Boom.
I'll take the boys.
- I'll get the girls.
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, guys.
How's it going? Jermaine and I are up next.
They're really grooving on the interracial angle.
Oh, yeah.
Of course they are.
Yeah.
It's LCD.
LCD? Lowest common denominator.
It's the meaningless interracial pairing.
I mean, it makes people feel good about themselves, but (inhales sharply) really destroys artistry.
That sounds pretty bad.
But I'm too baked to be sure.
Ah, it's Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson all over again.
Two great artists giants, really.
Put 'em together, everybody goes crazy.
It's a real kumbaya pairing, but what does it produce? "The Doggone Girl is Mine.
" Single greatest turd in pop music history.
- Laa - Laa Ahh You guys sound amazing I am so proud of you both.
Casey, I hope your sister's helping you work in a message about animals rights or global warming.
People love artists who go political.
Like Bono before we started thinking of him as a self-righteous douche with an annoying accent.
Did you just call me a douche? Of course, they were giants, and you guys Ah.
Good luck out there.
Wait, so you're saying if Alex and I go on stage together, Paul Hudson gonna think I'm a turd? Well, if you're really asking me, Jermaine, I'll I'll tell you what I'm saying.
What I'm trying to say to you, son, is I don't know why you would be a tool for anybody.
Don't you think Alex picked you just because you're black? I mean, did he go with you because of your talent or for the novelty? What are you guys talking about? Oh, look who's all paranoid over here.
We weren't saying anything.
I was just saying this thing to Jermaine about Are you sure you want to team up with Jermaine? - Yeah, he's my brother.
- No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just, if this thing hits, you're gonna be stuck with Urkel for the rest of your life.
I mean, you don't really think this nerd's gonna be bangin' chicks and bumpin' rails? No, he's gonna be whining about curfews and generally harshing your mellow.
Or not.
(Chuckles) What do I know? (Laughs) Good luck, fellas.
Partnering with Casey? Smart move, Ria.
Everybody loves her.
She's cute, she's precocious.
She just She steals the show! I mean, all eyes are drawn to her when she's on stage.
I don't even see you.
Where are ya? Where'd ya go? - Mom.
- There you are.
Go get 'em, girls.
So? Imminent cat fight.
You? - Race riot.
- Sweet.
- (Crunches) Salt and vinegar.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, okay, see ya, guys.
No, no.
There's nothing for you back there.
Okay, all right, check's in the mail.
All right, everyone.
Coffee and Cream, living the dream.
I'm not going on with him just to be exploited and degraded.
Keep it in your pocket, okay? Then you can have it out in front of the cameras.
No, forget it.
I'm not playing with this geek.
What's the point of being a rock icon if you can't live the life? Fine, forget it.
I don't need this.
Not exactly the Watts Riots, but nicely done.
Hey, girls, you guys still want a shot at auditioning? I go on alone or not at all.
That is not negotiable.
Oh, that's fine by me.
I never wanted to do this in the first place.
(Scoffs) Come on.
I need one duet.
Ah! Ah, Mom, Dad! Hey, you guys ready to rock? Uh, no, I am not.
As a father, I have a certain set of principles that matter more than money or cheap television fame.
Unless you think I have a chance.
Do you really think I could win? D-Don't answer! Don't answer, 'cause it doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
I'm not doing it.
Good.
The camera hates bald.
What we really need is a mom and her kid.
- They've been clamoring for it.
- MEG: They have? - Oh, yeah.
Instant viral video.
- Mom.
Anyways, so, which one of your babies are you gonna choose? No, no, no.
See, she's not gonna do that 'cause we already have - I'll do it.
- Meg! - We just talked about this.
- Maybe we were wrong.
I mean, you heard what he said "Instant viral video.
" If any of us succeed, we all succeed.
- No, that's not how it works.
- That's totally how it works.
- Mom, I'll play with you.
- It does.
Mom, I'll tune up.
- Take me.
We're winners.
- Jermaine.
- You and me.
We'll do "Ora Lee.
" - What? Mm-hmm.
You picked me 'cause I'm black.
What?! Sweetie, of course I didn't.
I picked you because you're adopted ratings gold.
Jackpot! Okay, you guys, kill it out there because one of our judges is really pissed off.
Someone broke into his private bathroom and stole his cologne.
Okay? All right.
Good luck.
Honey, I know you don't agree with me, but I think you're gonna have to get on board with this because I think this could be potentially really great for us, so, get in here.
Come on.
Wish me luck.
All right.
All right.
(Both laugh) You're right.
Good luck.
What's that? Thanks.
You've been brave I've been brave And you've been strong I've been strong Now I set you free I am free Though the road's been hard and long BOTH: It has led To me That was wonderful.
- Oh.
- (Laughs) Truly wonderful.
It reminded me of my own dear mother, who passed away late last year, and I adored her.
We weren't interracial like you lot, but, sometimes, the love of an adoptive mother is enough, yeah? Yeah, of course.
(Chuckles) Come on.
I must hug you.
- Come on.
- Oh.
Oh! Oh! (Sniffs) That's my cologne.
You're the one who dropped a dook in my bathroom! - A dook? - A groaner.
A spike.
Had to be at least three pounds.
My God, woman.
You're somebody's mother.
What the hell do you eat? I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, and it wasn't enough for you to clog my toilet.
You had to go and steal my cologne, as well, you repugnant cow.
- (Gasps) - God knows what you pilfered, you little delinquent.
- JERMAINE: (Vomits) - Oh.
Oh! Oh, God.
I should have given him that extra spray.
I underestimated the adrenaline.
- CASEY: Oh, no.
- Ohh! Oh, thank you.
You okay? You Fredo'd me, didn't you? - What? - You gave me the kiss of death.
What? Yeah.
You kissed me right on the mouth and marked me for the hit.
And then, instead of a horse head, you spritzed me with cologne and now I'm sleeping with the fishes.
You know, I've seen "The Godfather" 11 times.
I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
It's okay, I get it.
You were like Brando when he said, "Don't ever take sides against the family.
Huah!" That was Pacino, not Brando.
"Huah!" I am forgiving you for publicly humiliating me, and you're gonna be a dick! - Really? - I'm sorry.
Do you really forgive me, 100%? Babe, it's business.
I get it.
I'd have done the same thing.
Enjoy your meal.
(With mouth full): Honey, where'd you get this burrito? Is this street meat? Meg? Meg! Meg! Meg!