Hot In Cleveland s01e02 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
We're still in a rented house in Ohio, right? Yep.
So last night, a guy 15 years younger than me really did give me his phone number? Oh, it's the magic of Cleveland, Joy.
All the most beautiful people in the world move to L.
A.
to become stars, Leaving behind in their wake beauty voids For the rest of us to fill.
I've never dated younger.
I think I'm gonna give it a try.
It's exciting.
It's disgusting.
You're too old and creaky To be robbing the cradle.
I'm old? Was Ohio even a state when you were born? They were talking about it.
Oh! I've run out of cotton balls.
Elka, where's the nearest Neiman Marcus? Chicago.
But there's a big n easy just down the street.
This outfit-- Incentive indeed.
Although my agent has said that having played Honor st.
Raven for the past 27 years.
I am some more typecast as a woman of taste and refinement.
Perhaps I could better portray a common person If I observe them in their natural habitat.
Morning.
How everyone sleep? Me? Rock.
And what a beautiful Ohio morning.
Birds are chirping.
People are smiling.
Someone actually said "hiya" to me With the "ya.
" Who put a quarter in that one? Oh, I have big news.
I'm extending my lease here, And I'm thinking of putting my house in L.
A.
On the market.
Wow, Melanie, you're really going through with this? Well, how are you gonna get your Botox? That's your first question? I'll find a doctor here.
Cleveland Botox? Good God, woman, are you an animal? Well, I'm glad you're staying.
Well, thank you, miss belle of the bar.
Oh, stop.
How many guys gave you their number last night? One or two.
I had to wait till I was 88 To find out I have game.
What do you want for breakfast? - Oh, you cook? - And give advice.
Like drama on entourage.
You watch entourage? You seem more like a weeds viewer to me.
That show is so unrealistic.
I'll have egg whites, please.
Half a grapefruit, sprinkle of splenda.
Steel-cut oats with seasonal berries.
Pancakes and bacon, coming up.
I cannot believe that all of these great furniture was in storage.
I mean, I love the table, I love the chairs, I love the sofa.
I really love the rugs.
I might not even send for my stuff in L.
A.
Oh, boy, if this furniture could talk, huh? It would be a welcome relief.
I'm sorry, I just I got a little, you know, carried away.
So have you decided which guy to call yet? - No.
- Really? Well, you know, why don't let me help you? Just tell me a little bit about them.
Well, Arthur can drive at night.
And Larry has that nice full ring of hair.
Sal has both original hips, Which is sexy as hell.
Well, it sounds to me like you can't go wrong, So just pick one and call.
Uh, right.
Maybe tomorrow.
Elka, what's going on? Oh, Melanie, I don't know how to call a man.
Ok, I'm gonna help you.
Let's just pretend, all right? We'll practice.
Which one of these do you want me to be? - Larry with the hair.
- Okay.
I'm Larry.
You call me.
Ring, ring.
- Hello? - What are you doing? I mean, nobody over 80 answers on the first ring.
Well, yeah, okay.
Sorry, sorry, my bad.
Um, let's try this again.
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
Ring, ring.
- Hello? - I can't do this.
Oh, Elka.
How do I look? Like you stepped out of a painting Of hookers.
Do not pay attention to her.
Joy, you look absolutely gorgeous.
Are you sure? Not too "cougary"? Oh, God, I hate that bloody word.
But that's what I am, aren't I? And I'm the worst kind of cougar-- A self-hating cougar.
Maybe I should call and cancel.
Stop acting so ridiculous.
But what if he makes references I don't understand.
Look, if you say something wrong, You can always fall back on being british.
You know, you could say, um, that's what we calls it In london.
Okay, I'll go, But only because I'm terrified you'll do that again.
Oh, can I help you? It's me.
Give me a hand.
- Can't.
I'm leaving on my date.
- Oh, what are you wearing? That thing that I wore to that thing Where that guy thought I was that model.
Mm.
Good choice.
Just remember what it does when you sit down.
Oh, my God.
What an ordeal.
So many people.
Although I got to hand it to them, no matters how big you are In Cleveland, everybody seems to think That they can pull off wearing shorts.
So what's with all the stuff? Oh, you can't leave a big n easy with less.
You know, everywhere you turn, They're offering a lifetime supply of something For a pittance.
- So you got all this for that? - I know.
I could have bought out the entire store For what I spent last month on vermouth.
Oh, my God, vermouth.
I forgot the vermouth.
I got to go.
Wait, wait, it's still open? Oh, yeah, they never close.
Oh, no, they welcome in all people anytime, day or night.
It's like hell.
You know, my favorite is the one - Where jan got the wig.
- Mm.
An excellent choice.
But for me, it has to be where Marsha stalked Davy Jones.
I love all those old reruns.
Yeah Reruns.
And I know I said it two minutes ago, But you are incredibly pretty.
Stop.
But don't stop.
And funny and smart, And your accent drives me crazy In a good way.
You know, I was actually born in britain.
- Really? - Yeah.
My birth mom gave me up for adoption To this American couple.
Really? Oh, my God! I think I'm dating my son.
- So he was born in london? - On the exact same day.
And year.
I made him say it, like, three times.
- Wow, that is a huge coincidence.
- No kidding.
So what did you say to him? Oh, I made up some lame excuse and basically bolted out of there.
But up until the time I found that I might be his mother He was the best date I've had in years.
Saw the light on.
What's up? Oh, go ahead.
When joy was a teenager, she got pregnant.
I'm not surprised.
And now she thinks she might be dating her son.
Still not surprised.
- You sleeping with him? - No! Wait.
You told me you never had children.
Because that's what I tell people.
I've never raised the child.
Besides, it's a time in my life I prefer to keep buried.
Oh, it's him asking if I'm okay.
Oh.
What a sweet boy.
Maybe I should just call him and tell him the truth.
What, are you out of your mind? What if he isn't your son? I might be your mother? Probably romance toward.
And what's even more horrific is you'd have to admit That you're old enough to be his mother.
Now, how old does he think you are? He said I look 38.
Your son is mentally challenged? I just wish I had some proof one way or another.
You know, something like this Once happened to honor st.
Raven.
You remember when I was on that island studying monkeys? Yeah, I might have missed that episode.
It was a six months arc.
How long are we gonna do this? Just tell us what happened.
Well, the scientist I was working with kidnapped me And then revealed himself to be the venezuelan hit man el gato.
That's "the Cat".
Thank you, telemundo.
But what does this have to do with my situation? Well, he also claimed to be my father.
Well, that's just stupid.
It was submitted for a humanitas award.
By whom? It was submitted.
And anyway, I had to prove that he wasn't my father, So I had to collect a sample of his DNA.
Now, that's what you should do.
Oh, yeah, like on CSI.
You could get his skin scrapings from under your fingernails, You could get a sample of his blood, Or you could swab the inside of his cheek with a q-tip.
All very natural dating activities.
But, joy, you need to know.
I mean, is he your sweet baby boy Or your dirty, sexy, hot boyfriend? And either way, win-win.
I can't believe I'm actually saying this, But how did honor st.
Raven get el gato's DNA? I plucked a hair from his head With the follicle still attached.
You get that and we can test his DNA.
From our home DNA lab? No worries.
I've got a lab I've done some business with.
So, young lady, you ready to make that phone call again? Uh, I already did.
Turns out he's not interested.
You're lying.
Okay, fine.
I just can't do it.
I'm scared.
Oh, come on.
Who would say no to this? Well, you got that right.
Come on, call Larry with the hair.
Do you have his number? I know it by heart.
Hello, this is Elka Ostrovsky Calling for Larry.
Uh-huh.
Okay, Saturday at 1:00.
I'll be there.
Yay, good for you.
Lucky Larry.
Larry's dead.
I'm going to his funeral.
See, it's fate telling me it's too late.
Or this is fate reminding you That life is short, so you'd better call The other one before he pops off too.
- Okay, I'll try sal's number.
- Try sal.
He answered right away.
Well, he's got the two good hips.
Sal, this is Elka.
I met you at-- Yes, it's dimples.
I'm nervous.
You're doing great, and I'm right here if you need me.
I was thinking we might meet later tonight For a double date.
- Her name is Melanie.
- What? You have a younger friend? Only 85.
Uses a walker, but grips it very lightly.
Oh, Tyler, what a lovely place.
You're doing very well for yourself Although you really should tidy up before company comes.
What are you, my mother? Would that be so bad? - What? - Nothing.
Just joking.
Yeah, you are funny And smoking hot.
Oh, well, good genes.
You know, I got to say, I was a little surprised When I got your text that we should skip dinner And come directly here instead.
Well, it's a little more private.
Awesome.
You know you've the most fabulous hair so thick and fluent.
- Yeah, it's just like yours.
- Yeah, I noticed that.
I just want to reach in and grab hold And grab harder.
Yeah.
Oh, God! I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Really.
Oh, no, you're bleeding.
Oh, you're bleeding! I'll just go clean up.
It's nothing.
No, no, no, wait.
I have tissues.
Lots and lots of tissues.
My friend Victoria buys them in bulk.
There.
That should be enough.
I mean, that's better.
You know, I'd really prefer white wine if you have it.
Oh, okay.
Coming right up.
Any particular kind of-- What are you doing? Oh, nothing.
It's just a baggie.
My friend Victoria gets those by the bulk too.
She's nuts, that woman Crazy, crazy, crazy Victoria.
Why are you collecting my blood? Oh, well, you know, Collecting blood is all the rage now.
True blood, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse.
I get it.
So, what are you a vampire? No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to suck your blood.
I just want to take it home with me.
I was collecting your DNA, because I think I might possibly be your mother.
My mother? It's better that a vampire, No, it isn't.
Look, I-I gave up a baby for adoption.
I know my birth mother.
You do? Yeah, I registered on a website.
I met her, like, ten years ago.
Well, that's fantastic news.
I'm not your mother.
We can go back to how we were now.
- Um - I'll just let myself out.
Here's to the prettiest girl in the place.
Well, thank you.
- What? - It's refreshing! It's refreshing, isn't it? Yeah.
Plenty more where that came from.
Hey, what are you doing home so early? Did you get the hair? He's not my son Or my boyfriend.
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
What a night.
Yeah, I'll say.
I was out with a handsy 85-year-old Who doesn't get "no means no" because he couldn't hear it.
Where is Victoria? Big n easy-- where else? She's really getting addicted to that place.
- Time for an intervention? - Yeah, I think so.
How many interventions have we done for her? Oh, counting kabbalah and colonics? Ooh, look, a crowd-- it must be something good.
Ooh, hope there's more of that beer-battered - What was that? - Who cares? It was battered in beer.
Don't worry.
No detergent box will go unsigned.
Victoria? Joy.
Uh, Melanie.
What a surprise.
Would you excuse me for just a moment? Darling, isn't this all a little pathetic? Well, some people might think so.
By the way, how was your date with your son? Turns out he's not my son.
- Boyfriend? - Nope.
- You okay? - Yep.
Free samples are helping.
So you bought all that stuff Just as an excuse to come down here? Yes.
See, I've been feeling very insecure Ever since the edge of tomorrow was canceled, And I-I just didn't want to burden you two with it.
You talk about it all the time.
Yes, but I've really wanted to talk about it more.
Attention, big n easy shoppers Can you believe that's us? In the deli department, we are proud to announce Our latest yard-long hero sandwich, The Victoria Chase.
You see, I'm a hero.
Oh, come on.
I promised I'd spray on The first foot of cheese.
Hey, what are you doing? - You won't approve.
- Tell us.
Googling the ex.
I found a picture of Anders and Kim in Paris.
Apparently, they were flying to some competition 'cause she's a fitness model.
All right, take it from someone who went searching for validation in bulk.
Sometimes is just best to let things go.
Yeah, you're right.
What's past is past.
Still, you can't pretend it never existed.
Here, let me have that.
Tyler mentioned this website He used to let his mother know he was looking for her.
Oh, joy, this is amazing.
Are you really thinking of finding your son? Maybe.
It's all just a A lot.
I can't imagine.
Yes, you can.
You're a mother.
Hey, so are you.
Thanks.
Oh, it's just so weird to think of him out there-- A grown man.
He could be married, have kids of his own.
I might even have Grandkids.
Hey, maybe one of 'em's old enough for you to date.
Too soon?