Hotel Babylon (2006) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
CHARLIE: Imagine yourself living in a world where everything works.
Everything shines.
Everything is where it should be.
Well, you can.
You've just got to move into a hotel.
Because that sort of stuff is important to us.
We polish.
We dust.
We garnish.
We stack.
We tuck.
We fold.
In our position, image is everything.
But just as we present an image, so should you.
The designer suits, the diamond rings, the Tahitian pearls.
It's a two-way thing.
You make us look good, and we make you look good.
One small piece of advice, though.
Don't forget the shoes.
I can't tell you how many cheap shoes I've seen dangling under expensive suits.
Shoes say a lot about a person.
In some cases, they say "prostitute".
-All clear? -There's a couple more up on the 9th.
-I'll round them up.
-Okay.
-Okay, miss, let's go.
-Excuse me? -9:30, clocking off time.
-Oh, don't worry, I'll pay for it.
With the money you just made bouncing on a Japanese lap all night? I beg your pardon? Let's do this quietly, shall we? -Is there a problem? -This man is trying to kick me out.
Has my wife done something wrong? Your wife? Sometimes, however, images can be deceiving.
JAMES: It's a box of women's clothes.
CHARLIE: Where did they come from? I got here at 5:00, they were here then.
Someone mistake us for a charity shop? -Do you want me to dump them? -Let's stack them in the kitchen.
Maybe someone will come back and claim them.
Housekeeping have made up your room with synthetic-down pillows and have exchanged the toiletries for anti-allergenic products.
We kept a record of your allergies on our database from your previous visit, Mr Barlow.
-Have a pleasant stay, sir.
-Thank you.
Complimentary shoeshine kits.
God, they love it when we hand out this cheap crud.
And who is on Santa's tacky Christmas list today? Guests on third visits, Mr Potter, Mr Marcopolis, Mr Machin Oh, shit! We are of course welcoming our new head receptionist, Anna Thornton-Wilton, to her first team meeting today.
Welcome, Anna.
Anna has plenty of experience running reception and will, I'm sure, be a fantastic asset to our team.
And as most of you have probably guessed by the new suit, Charlie has of course moved from reception to my management team.
-Well done, Charlie.
-Charlie.
Anything that either of you would like to say about your new positions? -Well, I'd just like to say -I'm looking forward to getting to know each and every one of you on a personal level.
I'm sure you'll find me approachable, accommodating and fun to be around.
So, I can't wait to have a chat and a coffee with all of you.
Sorry, Charlie, was there something else you wanted to say? It's fine.
Look at this.
Your attention, please.
Mr Machin has reserved a room for tonight.
(ALL GROANING) Who's Mr Machin? (WOMAN PANTING) (RETCHING) -It's a coward's way out.
-Says the Italian.
If you don't mind.
Born in Italy, but raised in Spain.
So what does that make you? A lazy coward? -I will measure my balls against any man.
-Please.
Actually, you know, in certain tribal cultures, suicide is regarded as the noblest of deaths.
Maybe so, James, but in the hotel industry, nothing drives guests away quicker than the stench of a rotting corpse.
-Suicide is a negative vibe.
-Not to mention a selfish act.
-It's much better if they fly the jam mile.
-The what? You know, when they jump off their balconies, it means we're not responsible for clearing up the goo.
Do we know why he tried to kill himself last time he was here? Something to do with his work.
He composes advertising jingles.
Oh, the irony.
Comes into town every couple of months, pitches his idea to the big agencies.
I guess last time nobody liked his jingles.
Well, we can't do anything about his job, but we can ensure his stay with us is a happy one.
Let's spoil him rotten, shall we? -Charlie, is that something I can leave with you? -Absolutely, Rebecca.
See if we can keep Mr Machin alive until checking out time tomorrow.
Beyond that, he's not our responsibility.
Prostitutes.
Can we keep a closer eye on them in future, please? Especially after this morning's embarrassing incident.
This is not a laughing matter.
Due to a certain person's error of judgement, I've had to comp their entire stay at a cost to us of over £1,000.
It was an easy mistake to make.
She was wearing an evening dress for breakfast, she was hanging around the honesty bar and she had a tattoo on her thigh.
A tattoo of what? I don't remember.
A bird or a heart or something.
I have a tattoo.
Does that make me a prostitute, too? REBECCA: Good point, Anna.
Why don't we just ban prostitutes from the hotel? No, seriously.
Apart from making the place look cheap, what purpose do they serve? Yeah, we could also insist that all the guests are in their room and asleep by 10:30.
Nine out of ten male guests staying alone ask for company.
That's a fact.
-I don't believe that statistic.
-That's because you're not a man.
If a gentleman is a long way from home and feels the need for company, then I'm perfectly happy to turn a blind eye.
I would just like the concierge team to be a little more watchful of who is coming and going.
So you'd like me to turn a blind eye whilst keeping a watchful eye? Is that so difficult? Thank you.
-Tony, could I have five minutes please? -Yep.
This tattoo you mentioned.
Whereabouts on your body? -Have a guess.
-Well, if I guess correctly, do I get to see it? I'll tell you what, little man.
If you can guess where it is, and what it is, then I'll let you run your tongue all over it.
But you only get one guess.
-What's guest relations? -It's the new name for the Concierge Desk.
This is the way that all the big hotels are going.
They recently did a poll in America.
what "concierge" means.
The other 50% associated the word with something seedy.
Do you see these golden keys on my lapel, Rebecca? These are the symbol for Les Clefs d'Or, the International Association of Professional Hotel Concierges.
There is nothing seedy about that.
And what does your little association say about mistaking female guests for prostitutes? You know, I have worked in this hotel for 11 years, and that's the first And while we're on the subject, if you do feel the need to reprimand me, I'd appreciate you doing so in private.
Tony, this has nothing to do with this morning's incident.
It takes two weeks for these badges to be produced.
Obviously, I've been planning this.
It would've been nice to have been consulted.
Presentation is my responsibility, not yours.
All you need to know is that it won't affect you.
I don't want to change the product.
I just want to change people's perception of it.
So my job won't change, the title will? -It really isn't such a big deal.
-Well, if it isn't such a big deal, I'd be happy if things stay the way they are.
Thanks all the same.
Did I mention there will be a little something extra in your pay packet? For the inconvenience.
CHARLIE: The first thing you should always do when you arrive at a hotel is check in at reception.
The second thing you should do, talk to the concierge.
The concierge knows everything.
He knows where to eat, where to dance, and where to gamble.
Thanks, Raymond, I owe you.
He can help you jump every queue in town.
They're expecting you at 9:00.
Mention my name.
Take advantage of him.
That's what he's there for.
Express delivery.
He can get you anything from anywhere and always within 24 hours.
Some guests choose a hotel not by the size of the rooms, but by the abilities of the concierge.
The Porcelana chocolates you requested, madam.
I had them flown in this morning.
The right concierge could even save your life.
The antidote, madam.
The concierge can tell you where to get your watch repaired or your shotgun cleaned.
At 3:00 am, he knows where to get the perfect small gift for your wife.
He knows just the dress, the hat, the new shoes you're looking for.
Even if you don't know what you want, he probably does.
A concierge is like a waiter.
Usually he prefers cash, but he might be willing to make an exception.
Mr Radley left for business meetings at 7:30 this morning.
Since then, Mrs Radley has ordered a champagne breakfast, three sets of souvenir towels, two bottles of Krug and is currently enjoying a full beauty treatment up in her suite.
Was Mrs Radley present when they checked in? I wasn't on shift, but the database says he checked in alone yesterday.
She's a hooker.
I suggest we kick her to the kerb.
I didn't arrange any company for Mr Radley.
That's not to say he didn't pick her up off the street.
Well, maybe he parachuted her down onto the roof.
Either way, how should I know? Your job, Tony, is to count the hookers in and count them out again.
It's not exactly rocket science.
-How do you want to handle this? -Tactfully.
If she's a regular, I'm gonna recognise her instantly.
Come in.
Good morning, madam.
Rebecca Mitchell, General Manager.
And this is my colleague Tony Casemore, from our Guest Relations department.
We just wanted to make sure that everything was to your satisfaction today.
I'm full of champagne and I'm having a massage.
Everything's bloody wonderful, I'd say.
-I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name, Miss -Mrs.
Mrs Radley.
-And is Mr Radley here today? -Oh, he's out doing some meetings.
Doing some meetings? Is there any way we could contact Mr Radley? A mobile telephone number, perhaps? He don't like to be disturbed.
He'll be back tonight if you wanna talk to him then.
Why, is there a problem? Not at all, Mrs Radley.
You enjoy your treatments.
-She's not a regular.
-But she's still a prostitute.
Well, I've already called one guest a hooker today.
I don't intend to make the same mistake twice.
Don't let this morning's incident knock your confidence.
It's not a question of confidence, Rebecca.
It's a question of reasonable doubt.
That little street urchin is running up hundreds of pounds on Mr Radley's bill.
Now, when he gets back tonight and wonders what last night's entertainment is still doing here He let her into his room.
She's his responsibility.
Mr Radley is a regular, high-paying, low maintenance guest.
My favourite kind.
If we force him to settle a bill against his wishes, then he will never come back.
Well, she might be a hooker, she might not.
Right now, that's all I can tell you.
I thought a good concierge is supposed to know everything.
Oh, he is.
But if you remember, I work in Guest Relations now.
Do we have a home telephone number on the database for Mr Radley? -Dialling for you now, Rebecca.
-Thank you.
If Mrs Radley answers, mystery solved.
ANSWERPHONE: I'm sorry.
Your call cannot be taken at the moment.
-Answerphone.
-Please leave -Fire hazard, apparently.
-So move them.
We start serving in ten minutes.
Your boxes.
Your problem.
Um, excuse me, Charlie.
You no longer work behind this desk.
I need to check what suites are available for Mr Machin.
Look, just because we had sex, it doesn't mean that I enjoy being close to you.
I understand you're a big important manager now, but this is my domain.
If you want to do a room search, I'd like you to stand on that side of the desk and ask me nicely.
Yes, Charlie, how can I help you? I'd like you to upgrade Mr Machin from a superior room to a suite, please.
May I enquire as to why? You were in the meeting, Anna.
He's a danger to himself and the image of the hotel.
So that I'm clear on this, if he croaks, do you lose your job? Just give him a suite.
There's someone waiting for you.
You wanted to see me, sir? You can drop the sir crap, Charlie.
You know me.
I know you know me.
-What can I do for you? -Just wanted to know if you could help me out with something.
Go on.
I'm a working man now, got my own chauffeur business.
Well, it's one car and a second-hand suit, but it's a start.
With your help, I might be able to expand a little quicker.
A man in your position, deputy manager.
Maybe you could throw some business my way.
-I'll see what I can do.
Wait outside.
-Cheers, Charlie.
DEREK: Morning, Mr Machin.
(BIRD FLAPPING) Mr Machin, how wonderful to see you again.
-I trust you're well, sir? -I have a urinary tract infection.
I'm sorry to hear that.
If you've finished the paperwork, why don't I show you to up to your room? I believe we've got something extra special for you today.
-Isn't that right, Anna? -Hanging Garden suite.
And that's on the very top floor with your own private balcony.
Thank you, Anna.
This way, sir.
This is one of our most requested suites, sir.
Guests often comment how they find this magnificent view inspiring and life-affirming.
Kind of like having your own pod on the London Eye.
Not, however, to be recommended for guests with vertigo.
I could put you on a lower floor if Perhaps I can have a complimentary pot of coffee sent up.
-Why are you being so nice to me? -Sir? The upgrade to the suite, the complimentary refreshments You're worried that I might top myself again, aren't you? The thought hadn't crossed my mind, Mr Machin.
You know, I will take you up on that free pot of coffee.
Right away, sir.
And if you could throw in a round of sandwiches, I'd be so much happier.
Finally Have you seen this? They forgot one of my surnames.
Yes, good morning.
Can I speak to the brain-dead monkey in charge of printing the name badges, please? I mean, what is the point of having a double-barrelled surname if you don't get to show it off? I always wondered, how did you get a double-barrelled surname? Well, it's usually the result of two wealthy, important families joining forces, and neither wanting to surrender their title.
Nothing to do with your parents not getting married and raising a brood of bastards, then? Special lady coming through.
Hello, Dorrie.
Good to see you again.
-Welcome back, Mr Farrah, welcome back.
-Has it really been a year, Dorrie? And where is my girlfriend today? Ah, there she is.
Looking more beautiful as every year passes.
Oh, you're all so kind.
What's with the leather-faced people? Dorrie Davies.
She was a chambermaid here during the war.
Mr Farrah was a guest staying in room 402.
They met, fell in love and have been happily married ever since.
Every anniversary, they come back to the same room to celebrate.
-Isn't that the most romantic thing ever? -She slept with a guest? What a slut.
Charlie, could you take Mr and Mrs Farrah to their room? -I'm sure they'd like to rest after their journey.
-Right away, Rebecca.
This way, please.
No, you listen to me.
I don't want to be known as Anna Thornton or Anna Wilton.
My name is Anna Thornton hyphen Wilton.
-Here we are.
-Mr and Mrs Farrah, your room has been prepared for you.
-I'll be the judge of that, dear.
-Whatever she says, don't listen to her.
Sheets, not bad.
Used to be able to bounce a shilling off them in my day.
Bathroom, Jack.
Nice suit.
Too many soaps and lotions in the bathroom.
Didn't have all that muck in my day.
Oh, there's a chalky layer on the bath.
Oh, we'll have it cleaned again for you.
Don't worry, dear.
You bring me a cloth, I'll do it meself.
-Are you in a hurry? -Why, what did you have in mind? We need to get back.
You think anyone would notice if we stayed here all day? We could order up some champagne.
-Some oysters.
-Keep dreaming, buddy.
Now up.
Give me a buzz when the Alexandria suite becomes vacant, will you? Why's that? -'Cause I intend to have you in there next.
-Oh, okay, then.
Seeing as you asked so nicely.
Maybe we should be a little bit more careful, you know.
We are taking a hell of a risk.
This building has 67 rooms on nine floors.
Who's gonna catch us? -What dress size are you? -Oh, God, we're not that intimate already, are we? Someone dropped a box of women's clothes off round the back this morning.
Some pretty tasty stuff.
One minute you treat me like a lady, the next a tramp.
I don't know.
Just the man I was hoping to see.
This new receptionist.
Where does she have a tattoo and what is it of? -Why would you ask me? -You've seen her naked.
And don't even think about denying it.
Ben says you two have shagged.
Tell me it's just here.
Please tell me it's just here.
I told you before, she's too posh to have it on the tit.
She ain't posh.
We only once.
And then, I can't remember if she had a tattoo or not.
Not even a tiny rose on her arse? Right, well, I'll see you later.
I've got to go and check on something.
-If you remember anything -Lucky son of a bitch.
-What's this? -Charlie used to screw the new receptionist.
Typically, I'm a breast man, but if she has it on the posterior, I make an exception.
So how is our suicidal musician? Mr Machin's got some guests arriving this afternoon.
People from the advertising agency.
He's gonna play them his jingles, and he's asked for refreshments, cakes etc to be made available.
He wants to impress them.
So long as he doesn't leave in a box, he can have all the food, coffee, cakes and sandwiches he likes.
So that's keep him alive, no matter what the cost is? No matter what.
Some of the staff wanted to arrange a surprise for Mr and Mrs Farrah.
-Seeing as though it's their anniversary.
-Nothing too surprising, I trust.
They are in their 80s.
Well, Derek pointed out that Mrs Farrah, she's a huge Doris Day fan.
So we thought maybe we'd get a Doris Day look-alike, sing a few songs in the restaurant tonight.
Charlie, I know everybody's intentions are good, but our restaurant has two Michelin stars.
I don't think the other diners are gonna be too impressed by some tacky tribute act.
-So that's a no, then? -It's a very big no.
What should I tell the staff? They're all really keen on the idea.
You're the deputy manager.
What you tell them is your decision.
What do you think about Ken Green? Concierge at The Burlington? Yeah, he's good.
-But -He's not as a good as Tony.
You don't think Tony's losing his touch, then? Can I help you, Mrs Radley? Yeah, I need you to do something for me.
Can you get a car and pick up some friends of mine and bring them over? Have you been married long, Mrs Radley? Three months.
We met on a cruise ship.
I was one of the dancers, did ballet as a kid, couple of music videos.
He was recuperating from a heart scare, we fell in love.
It's the stuff of fairy tales, madam.
You're married yourself.
You should know what love at first sight is.
Well, in my case it was more third or fourth sight.
Bit of a pig, is she? -But a decent personality? -Well, I wouldn't say so.
Not to her face, you wouldn't.
I ain't stupid, by the way.
-I know what you're all thinking.
-Madam? The attitude.
I get it everywhere we go.
What's a 50-year-old millionaire doing with a common little tart like me? You think I don't belong here.
Everybody belongs here, madam.
I'm just surprised that Mr Radley has gone out for the day and left his charming young wife alone in the hotel.
You've got a good line of chat, ain't you? Or is that just part of the job? I shall arrange transport for your guests, Mrs Radley.
Cheers, darling.
-Everything all right? -Yeah, why wouldn't it be? -David.
-Yes, boss.
Get a car to pick up from those addresses.
Bill it to the Pyramid suite.
-Dave.
-Yes, boss? Three cases need picking up from 205, pronto.
-Right.
Just Tony's asked me -That's okay, I'll take care of that.
You just get the cases.
-Collect from these addresses.
-Nice one, Charlie.
I owe you for this.
-What time's Doris getting here? -Doris? # Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be # -Change of plan, we can't book her.
-Why not? The hotel can't justify the cost.
Didn't take you long to become management, did it? Mr and Mrs O'Neill, how was dinner at Samson's last night? If you must know, it was the worst meal we've had in our lives.
The food was tasteless, the service was non-existent and the price was extortionate.
I don't know what they're paying you to recommend a place like that, but it isn't worth it.
How do you explain this? I can't, madam.
Have you spoken to housekeeping? This is the complaints department, isn't it? -No, madam, this is the concierge desk.
-Your sign says guest relations.
Doesn't that mean complaints? If you could be bothered to check the sheets before you put them on the bed, it would make my life a lot easier.
Who the hell do you think you're talking to? I think this conversation has got off on the wrong foot.
-You called for me, sir? -Can you keep a beat? One, two, three, four.
Two, two, three, four.
You try it.
-I couldn't possibly -People from the ad agency are gonna be here in ten minutes time.
If I don't sell this jingle, I shall be extremely depressed.
Do you catch my drift? Yeah, but everybody's disillusioned with their job, aren't they? Yeah, well, this time it's different.
Well, what made you want to become a concierge in the first place? The suit.
Seriously? I used to think that anyone who dressed this smart had to be important in some way.
Plus there was nothing else I could do.
Failed at the desk job.
Failed at running a club.
Somehow this came easily and the pay's good.
Yeah, but at what price? You're here almost every night.
You mustn't get any time to spend with your family.
This is where the rich congregate.
My job is to take a little slice of their wealth home with me, without mentioning it to the tax man.
That's cool, but money can't be your only motivation.
That's why rich people are always miserable.
Do you know how much you need to retire on these days? I do.
And with the rate I'm putting money aside, I only need to be doing this job another six, maybe seven years.
I'll be 44 and I'll be able to spend as much time as I want with my family.
That's why making money makes me happy.
Because it reminds me of what I'm working towards.
# PMT is no problem for me # My towels are fresh and discreet, you see # I get on with my life # No trouble, no strife # I am a CareFresh housewife # -Thank you for coming, gentlemen.
-Thanks.
-The lifts are just on the left hand side.
-Yeah.
-Well, that seemed to go down quite well.
-They hated it.
They said they enjoyed themselves.
-They're in advertising.
It's their bloody job to lie.
-They complimented the cakes.
Oh, well, as long as the bloody cakes go down well.
I'm a classically trained musician.
I'm better than this.
I can't even sell a bloody jingle! Maybe I'll order up another pot of coffee.
I don't want any more coffee! I just I just want to be alone.
-There's always tomorrow, Mr Machin.
-Well, maybe there won't be.
If you'll forgive me, sir, I I think I've got an idea.
-£5 already? -That's known as the lure, sir.
It lets the guests know that tipping is accepted and expected.
-Do I get to keep it? -Anything you make's yours.
Wonderful.
(GIGGLING) I assume you're aware that four prostitutes have just breezed through our lobby unquestioned? They're friends of Mrs Radley's, who I do not believe to be a hooker.
I hope you're right about this, Tony, for your own sake.
Dave.
Why did you book that driver for Mrs Radley's guests? I didn't.
Charlie did.
Why are you booking cars for guests? That's my responsibility.
Or at least it was until Rebecca changed my job.
Well, she hasn't changed it, she's just re-branded it.
You already knew about this, didn't you? She mentioned it a couple of days ago.
And in your list of priorities, deputy manager comes higher than mate? No.
The car thing, it's really no big deal.
I was just trying to help.
The driver you chose isn't one of my regulars.
I don't know him, and I don't trust him, not to mention I don't get a cut from him.
And you wanted him warned off.
-I changed my mind about him.
-Well, you just cost me money, Charlie.
So either you're stealing from me or you've got a very good reason.
Go on.
No.
You set it up Charlie, you take the cut.
Tone, I think that's the first time I've ever seen you reject money.
Well, it's not all about money, Charlie.
Sometimes it's about being trusted to do your job.
Six more bottles of Krug, hair and beauty treatments for seven.
Current room service bill, £1,750.
If you want me to go up there and chuck them out, I will happily do it.
I once had this thing with a regional finalist in the 2002 UK Kickboxing Championships.
-I know some moves.
-Go through the database for me.
Find all the details we have on Mr Radley's previous visits.
Phone calls he made, where he ordered transport to.
Okay, right away.
(PLAYING DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC) Here we are.
An English Highball for an English lady.
-Extra shot of vermouth? -I would never forget.
Could I ask the gentleman to assist me at the bar for a moment, please? -Well, if you insist.
-Just the one, Jack.
Thank you, Gino.
I have a Belicoso with your name written all over it.
Now, how's that husband of yours you're always telling me about? -Mark, isn't it? -Good.
Yeah, really good.
Every year I secretly hope to see a little bump down there.
Maybe next year, Dorrie.
This used to be the dance area, you know.
We had some of the old photos restored last year.
A reminder of how things used to be.
They're hanging on the second floor if you get the chance.
The band used to be set up just over there.
Not that I was allowed to see or hear much of it.
We were not supposed to come into this area.
Chambermaids were instructed not to smile or make eye contact with any of the guests.
That's why I enjoy coming back here year after year.
Not to see the bedrooms, the corridors, but to appreciate the side of the hotel that we weren't allowed to be seen in.
Where is he? People do not like to eat to Chopin's Prelude in C Minor.
I must confess, he played it remarkably well.
Tell me you've not said anything to upset him.
Any news from Mr Machin? Machin Machin.
Hanging Garden suite.
Suicidal keyboard player.
Oh, yes, he phoned reception half an hour ago.
-Good.
Did he sound all right? -Sounded fine to me.
Asked for some razor blades, I sent them to his room.
Joking.
Can you call his room for me, please? Do you get a kick out of bossing around women that you've seduced? Please.
Will you call his room for me? You have a finger, you have an ear.
Do it yourself.
He's dead.
I know he is.
(PHONE RINGING) Oh! Right.
That's it.
Five minutes and I'm knocking.
A friend of mine slit her own wrist once.
Took her six hours to die.
What? I'm just saying that you might have hours to save him.
Probably hasn't even turned blue yet.
Oh, nice to see you girls.
-Kisses, kisses, kisses.
-I'm gonna call every day.
Cheers, girls.
I'll see you later in the week.
Lot's of love, bye! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Mr Machin? Sir? (SIREN WAILING) What the hell is going on? -I thought you were trying to -I was composing! I did try phoning, sir, and knocking on the door repeatedly.
Given your state of mind, of course, I was fearing the After that waiter kicked me out, I came up here and I did cry for an hour.
And I did I did think about ending it all.
Actually, I had the belt around my neck.
And then this melody came to me.
What do I care what it takes to sell the most tampons? I'm a musician.
I write songs in their entirety.
So from here on in, that's what I'm doing.
Well, that's wonderful news.
I'll, um I'll get out of your way.
Charlie, wait.
I need your help with the chorus.
-Sorry, sir, but I'm just going off shift.
-Don't make me unhappy, Charlie.
Anything I can help you with, Dorrie? Yes.
What does "guest relations" mean? Erm, you know, I'm not entirely sure.
Gordon Hartley was the best concierge this place ever had.
-Good looking bugger, and he knew it.
-I know about Gordon.
He was the eyes and ears of the hotel.
Get you anything.
And there was rationing on at the time as well.
Well, there's still a very vibrant black market out there.
Took a real pride in his job.
Used to have terrible rows with the rest of the staff.
People didn't like him much.
Thought he was a bit flash, I suppose.
Not that he cared.
Anyway, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
Rumour had it he'd made himself the wrong sort of enemies.
-Maybe he didn't need the money any more.
-That's a nice way of looking at it.
Me? I think he's in the bottom of the Thames.
Now then, come along, my love.
These people have got work to do.
Oh, you stink of cigar smoke, Jack! -Enjoy your meal.
-Thank you.
Bye, Tony.
We just turned down the bed in Mr Radley's suite.
-And? -And no female clothes, toiletries or luggage.
I knew it! Right, she's out of here.
But that doesn't mean we should jump to conclusions.
-Glad I caught you.
I tracked down Mr Radley.
-Where? Well, the database told me that he once ordered a car from here to an antiques auction.
So I figured he must work in that field.
I called some of the main dealers who had heard of him.
They also told me about this big Sotheby's thing that's going on today.
Long story short, he left the auction house in a taxi five minutes ago.
Rebecca's just gone to kick Mrs Radley out.
Well, she's the boss, she can do that.
Are you still convinced she's genuine? I think the young lady deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Well, get up there and stop her.
I've already been wrong once before.
Why should I risk being wrong again? Because it's your job and no one else's.
New Bond Street.
Gives us 10 minutes.
Is she still in his room? Just ordered a cheeseburger, fries and a milkshake through room service.
Typical hooker food.
Can I just say, Rebecca, you have very athletic legs for a woman.
Thank you.
-The Pyramid suite? -Yeah.
I'll take it from here.
Good evening, Mr Radley.
Just leave it out there, and stick a £5 tip on the bill.
Oh.
I thought you'd gone.
You've had your fun and games.
You've lived out your Pretty Woman fantasy for the day.
Now get dressed and hit the street.
You're making a big mistake.
We can do this the easy way or the drag-you-out-by-the-hair way.
It's your choice.
You're gonna regret this.
Miss, I've seen enough of your sort to recognise them at 50 paces.
-If you've got a name to call me, let's hear it.
-I'd be interested to hear that.
-Ah.
Mr Radley, I'm afraid there's been -Ah, hello, babe.
-I missed you today.
-Oh, missed you, too, babe.
So, what's all this about? -You're Mrs -Radley.
Wife of Mr Radley.
Like what I told you this morning, love.
Would somebody please care to tell me what's going on? I believe there's been a slight misunderstanding in your absence today, sir, but I'm sure that I can help to clear things up.
-This is Tony Casemore, our -Concierge.
-Are you a fan of the ballet, sir? -Ballet? No.
But I believe you wife is.
Had lessons as a child.
That's right.
Well, I took the liberty of reserving two seats for tonight's performance of La Fille Mal Gardée.
It's the story of a farmer's daughter and her desire to marry.
Set to dance, obviously.
Very amusing, by all accounts.
-Oh, can we go? Please.
-The lady hasn't left the hotel all day, sir.
I'm sure that she would appreciate the change of scenery.
But you haven't got anything to wear.
Your luggage is still at the airport somewhere.
I believe I may be able to help with that also.
I owe you an apology.
Actually, Rebecca, you owe it to the guest that you mistook for a hooker.
God, what a night.
I only dropped into Samantha's for a quick drink, but there was this guy there.
City job, 200K a year, very drunk and up for a party.
We had dinner at Seven Over Eight.
It wasn't their best night, but I didn't complain because he was buying.
Never accuse me of not having manners.
And then, I don't know why or who suggested it, but we ended up at Studio 33.
Now, I'm not a snob, but they were pretty much letting anyone in.
In fact, you weren't there last night, were you? No, anyway.
By this point, Bruce is just horribly drunk.
And I know, he's called Bruce for one.
But anyway, I get in a cab and we go back to his flat in the Docklands and it turns out his flat is, like, half the size he says it was all the way back at Samantha's.
It's not the only thing that's half the size it's meant to be, as I find out.
He crashes out, and I sit up drinking coffee and scrolling through his MP3 player, which, I swear, is like three quarters filled with country and western music.
-I mean, how weird is that? -Weird.
So anyway, what did you do last night? Ah, put my son to bed, read a magazine, had an early night, you know.
You are so lucky.
I crave to do boring stuff like that.
Always keep a fresh set in the locker 'cause you just never know.
Nice tattoo.
Oh, thanks.
I understand you're looking for information about a certain tattoo? -Morning, love.
-Morning, sir.
I could do with some help on a room inspection when you're free.
It's 7:30 in the morning.
Well, I'm an early riser.
Aren't you? Room 408 is showing vacant and inspected on the list.
I swear it is.
I recognise this stuff.
I suggest we get out of here now.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
Bit early for the meeting, aren't you, Charlie? There's a bit of a problem with room 408, Rebecca.
My husband's away on business.
I don't like staying alone in the house when he's Might I suggest that we update the database to show that the room is occupied? Might save confusion for reception or housekeeping.
Thank you, Charlie.
-Could you -Already done.
I've got enough material for an album.
Yeah.
Well, EP.
Book the studio and we'll start recording on Monday.
Yeah.
Bye.
-Good morning, Mr Machin.
-It's a beautiful morning.
Yeah.
-Good work, Charlie.
-Thank you.
Would you excuse me for a second, please, Rebecca? -Out.
-What is with the hostility? All I'm trying to do is make a career for myself.
Surely you can understand that, Charlie.
And I've tried to help you, but I can't do it any more.
You know what, Charlie, ever since we ran into each other again, I've been wondering something.
How do you end up with a responsible job like this after spending time inside? Me? Wouldn't even get an interview.
You must have a very, very understanding boss.
Is that her? Maybe I should see if she's got a job for me.
Can you believe this? (CHUCKLING) Is a triple-barrelled name better than a double-barrelled name? Yes, idiot in charge of name badges, please.
Yes, little man, what do you want? I would like a little taste of the Rolls-Royce lady at the top of your left arse cheek.
Gino has taken Mr Farrah and a bottle of brandy to your office.
I should've let you book Doris Day.
I don't think it would've made any difference, Rebecca.
I've arranged for the service lift to be emptied, and the undertakers to park round the back of the kitchens.
That way we can take the body out with the minimum fuss and disruption.
-She's going out through the front door.
-Excuse me? Mrs Farrah was a guest.
She will go down in the guest lift, and she will leave through the lobby.
Of course.
Right.
Back to work, people.
I want those flowers changed.
I want the bar open in ten minutes.
I want smiling faces.
I want those bags away from reception.
And will someone turn these lights up? It's too dark in here.
CHARLIE: In the hotel trade we try to present an immaculate, professional image at all times.
We realise that a dirty glass, a cold meal or a short and curly in the bathtub can ruin your stay.
And I'd be lying if I say we didn't have our off days.
Some days we can't polish, dust, garnish, stack, tuck or fold our way out of trouble.
You just have to accept us for what we are.
-Morning, Graham.
-Morning, Tony.
And when the chips are down, every hotel should rely on the same person.
Excuse me, where can I get a coffee? Oh, yes.
Just go through there.
Someone will look after you.
-What's this? -That's me admitting that I was wrong.
It's rare, so make the most of it.
That is what you wanted all along, isn't it? Well, it depends.
Do I get to keep my pay raise as well? Yes, Tony.
You do.
Your bill, sir.
If you'd like to check that everything's in order.
How did you manage to spend £2,000 on room service? I was bored.
Well, as you enjoyed the service, I'll let you distribute the tip.
I don't think any of them deserve it, babe.
So I'll spend it on myself.
The airport just delivered your luggage, Mrs Radley, and they apologise for the mix-up.
Here you go, spotty.
Hang on a minute, babe.
-Did you enjoy the ballet, madam? -Loved it.
Didn't understand what they were up to, but it was nice to be there.
He don't take me out much.
Embarrassed of what people might think.
Here you are.
-Madam? -For looking after me.
That's how it works in these places, isn't it? I'm still learning.
-Thank you.
-Come here.
You do know I only married him for his money, don't you? When his dodgy little heart finally gives out, I'm coming back to see you.
Cheers, Gordon.
Charlie, I need you to find me a husband.
Well, it's not totally impossible.
You're talking about getting a dodgy wedding licence.
So, that gives us four days to find you a husband.
I'm afraid we've had complaints from some of the other guests about your behaviour.
My behaviour? This really means a lot to me, thank you.
We were thinking you could have the wedding in the hotel.
I haven't got the five grand I need.
Maybe I'll find it from somewhere, eh? Don't go rocking the boat too hard.
We do need this wedding to go ahead.
It's Alexis.
He's crazy.
What the hell is going on?
Everything shines.
Everything is where it should be.
Well, you can.
You've just got to move into a hotel.
Because that sort of stuff is important to us.
We polish.
We dust.
We garnish.
We stack.
We tuck.
We fold.
In our position, image is everything.
But just as we present an image, so should you.
The designer suits, the diamond rings, the Tahitian pearls.
It's a two-way thing.
You make us look good, and we make you look good.
One small piece of advice, though.
Don't forget the shoes.
I can't tell you how many cheap shoes I've seen dangling under expensive suits.
Shoes say a lot about a person.
In some cases, they say "prostitute".
-All clear? -There's a couple more up on the 9th.
-I'll round them up.
-Okay.
-Okay, miss, let's go.
-Excuse me? -9:30, clocking off time.
-Oh, don't worry, I'll pay for it.
With the money you just made bouncing on a Japanese lap all night? I beg your pardon? Let's do this quietly, shall we? -Is there a problem? -This man is trying to kick me out.
Has my wife done something wrong? Your wife? Sometimes, however, images can be deceiving.
JAMES: It's a box of women's clothes.
CHARLIE: Where did they come from? I got here at 5:00, they were here then.
Someone mistake us for a charity shop? -Do you want me to dump them? -Let's stack them in the kitchen.
Maybe someone will come back and claim them.
Housekeeping have made up your room with synthetic-down pillows and have exchanged the toiletries for anti-allergenic products.
We kept a record of your allergies on our database from your previous visit, Mr Barlow.
-Have a pleasant stay, sir.
-Thank you.
Complimentary shoeshine kits.
God, they love it when we hand out this cheap crud.
And who is on Santa's tacky Christmas list today? Guests on third visits, Mr Potter, Mr Marcopolis, Mr Machin Oh, shit! We are of course welcoming our new head receptionist, Anna Thornton-Wilton, to her first team meeting today.
Welcome, Anna.
Anna has plenty of experience running reception and will, I'm sure, be a fantastic asset to our team.
And as most of you have probably guessed by the new suit, Charlie has of course moved from reception to my management team.
-Well done, Charlie.
-Charlie.
Anything that either of you would like to say about your new positions? -Well, I'd just like to say -I'm looking forward to getting to know each and every one of you on a personal level.
I'm sure you'll find me approachable, accommodating and fun to be around.
So, I can't wait to have a chat and a coffee with all of you.
Sorry, Charlie, was there something else you wanted to say? It's fine.
Look at this.
Your attention, please.
Mr Machin has reserved a room for tonight.
(ALL GROANING) Who's Mr Machin? (WOMAN PANTING) (RETCHING) -It's a coward's way out.
-Says the Italian.
If you don't mind.
Born in Italy, but raised in Spain.
So what does that make you? A lazy coward? -I will measure my balls against any man.
-Please.
Actually, you know, in certain tribal cultures, suicide is regarded as the noblest of deaths.
Maybe so, James, but in the hotel industry, nothing drives guests away quicker than the stench of a rotting corpse.
-Suicide is a negative vibe.
-Not to mention a selfish act.
-It's much better if they fly the jam mile.
-The what? You know, when they jump off their balconies, it means we're not responsible for clearing up the goo.
Do we know why he tried to kill himself last time he was here? Something to do with his work.
He composes advertising jingles.
Oh, the irony.
Comes into town every couple of months, pitches his idea to the big agencies.
I guess last time nobody liked his jingles.
Well, we can't do anything about his job, but we can ensure his stay with us is a happy one.
Let's spoil him rotten, shall we? -Charlie, is that something I can leave with you? -Absolutely, Rebecca.
See if we can keep Mr Machin alive until checking out time tomorrow.
Beyond that, he's not our responsibility.
Prostitutes.
Can we keep a closer eye on them in future, please? Especially after this morning's embarrassing incident.
This is not a laughing matter.
Due to a certain person's error of judgement, I've had to comp their entire stay at a cost to us of over £1,000.
It was an easy mistake to make.
She was wearing an evening dress for breakfast, she was hanging around the honesty bar and she had a tattoo on her thigh.
A tattoo of what? I don't remember.
A bird or a heart or something.
I have a tattoo.
Does that make me a prostitute, too? REBECCA: Good point, Anna.
Why don't we just ban prostitutes from the hotel? No, seriously.
Apart from making the place look cheap, what purpose do they serve? Yeah, we could also insist that all the guests are in their room and asleep by 10:30.
Nine out of ten male guests staying alone ask for company.
That's a fact.
-I don't believe that statistic.
-That's because you're not a man.
If a gentleman is a long way from home and feels the need for company, then I'm perfectly happy to turn a blind eye.
I would just like the concierge team to be a little more watchful of who is coming and going.
So you'd like me to turn a blind eye whilst keeping a watchful eye? Is that so difficult? Thank you.
-Tony, could I have five minutes please? -Yep.
This tattoo you mentioned.
Whereabouts on your body? -Have a guess.
-Well, if I guess correctly, do I get to see it? I'll tell you what, little man.
If you can guess where it is, and what it is, then I'll let you run your tongue all over it.
But you only get one guess.
-What's guest relations? -It's the new name for the Concierge Desk.
This is the way that all the big hotels are going.
They recently did a poll in America.
what "concierge" means.
The other 50% associated the word with something seedy.
Do you see these golden keys on my lapel, Rebecca? These are the symbol for Les Clefs d'Or, the International Association of Professional Hotel Concierges.
There is nothing seedy about that.
And what does your little association say about mistaking female guests for prostitutes? You know, I have worked in this hotel for 11 years, and that's the first And while we're on the subject, if you do feel the need to reprimand me, I'd appreciate you doing so in private.
Tony, this has nothing to do with this morning's incident.
It takes two weeks for these badges to be produced.
Obviously, I've been planning this.
It would've been nice to have been consulted.
Presentation is my responsibility, not yours.
All you need to know is that it won't affect you.
I don't want to change the product.
I just want to change people's perception of it.
So my job won't change, the title will? -It really isn't such a big deal.
-Well, if it isn't such a big deal, I'd be happy if things stay the way they are.
Thanks all the same.
Did I mention there will be a little something extra in your pay packet? For the inconvenience.
CHARLIE: The first thing you should always do when you arrive at a hotel is check in at reception.
The second thing you should do, talk to the concierge.
The concierge knows everything.
He knows where to eat, where to dance, and where to gamble.
Thanks, Raymond, I owe you.
He can help you jump every queue in town.
They're expecting you at 9:00.
Mention my name.
Take advantage of him.
That's what he's there for.
Express delivery.
He can get you anything from anywhere and always within 24 hours.
Some guests choose a hotel not by the size of the rooms, but by the abilities of the concierge.
The Porcelana chocolates you requested, madam.
I had them flown in this morning.
The right concierge could even save your life.
The antidote, madam.
The concierge can tell you where to get your watch repaired or your shotgun cleaned.
At 3:00 am, he knows where to get the perfect small gift for your wife.
He knows just the dress, the hat, the new shoes you're looking for.
Even if you don't know what you want, he probably does.
A concierge is like a waiter.
Usually he prefers cash, but he might be willing to make an exception.
Mr Radley left for business meetings at 7:30 this morning.
Since then, Mrs Radley has ordered a champagne breakfast, three sets of souvenir towels, two bottles of Krug and is currently enjoying a full beauty treatment up in her suite.
Was Mrs Radley present when they checked in? I wasn't on shift, but the database says he checked in alone yesterday.
She's a hooker.
I suggest we kick her to the kerb.
I didn't arrange any company for Mr Radley.
That's not to say he didn't pick her up off the street.
Well, maybe he parachuted her down onto the roof.
Either way, how should I know? Your job, Tony, is to count the hookers in and count them out again.
It's not exactly rocket science.
-How do you want to handle this? -Tactfully.
If she's a regular, I'm gonna recognise her instantly.
Come in.
Good morning, madam.
Rebecca Mitchell, General Manager.
And this is my colleague Tony Casemore, from our Guest Relations department.
We just wanted to make sure that everything was to your satisfaction today.
I'm full of champagne and I'm having a massage.
Everything's bloody wonderful, I'd say.
-I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name, Miss -Mrs.
Mrs Radley.
-And is Mr Radley here today? -Oh, he's out doing some meetings.
Doing some meetings? Is there any way we could contact Mr Radley? A mobile telephone number, perhaps? He don't like to be disturbed.
He'll be back tonight if you wanna talk to him then.
Why, is there a problem? Not at all, Mrs Radley.
You enjoy your treatments.
-She's not a regular.
-But she's still a prostitute.
Well, I've already called one guest a hooker today.
I don't intend to make the same mistake twice.
Don't let this morning's incident knock your confidence.
It's not a question of confidence, Rebecca.
It's a question of reasonable doubt.
That little street urchin is running up hundreds of pounds on Mr Radley's bill.
Now, when he gets back tonight and wonders what last night's entertainment is still doing here He let her into his room.
She's his responsibility.
Mr Radley is a regular, high-paying, low maintenance guest.
My favourite kind.
If we force him to settle a bill against his wishes, then he will never come back.
Well, she might be a hooker, she might not.
Right now, that's all I can tell you.
I thought a good concierge is supposed to know everything.
Oh, he is.
But if you remember, I work in Guest Relations now.
Do we have a home telephone number on the database for Mr Radley? -Dialling for you now, Rebecca.
-Thank you.
If Mrs Radley answers, mystery solved.
ANSWERPHONE: I'm sorry.
Your call cannot be taken at the moment.
-Answerphone.
-Please leave -Fire hazard, apparently.
-So move them.
We start serving in ten minutes.
Your boxes.
Your problem.
Um, excuse me, Charlie.
You no longer work behind this desk.
I need to check what suites are available for Mr Machin.
Look, just because we had sex, it doesn't mean that I enjoy being close to you.
I understand you're a big important manager now, but this is my domain.
If you want to do a room search, I'd like you to stand on that side of the desk and ask me nicely.
Yes, Charlie, how can I help you? I'd like you to upgrade Mr Machin from a superior room to a suite, please.
May I enquire as to why? You were in the meeting, Anna.
He's a danger to himself and the image of the hotel.
So that I'm clear on this, if he croaks, do you lose your job? Just give him a suite.
There's someone waiting for you.
You wanted to see me, sir? You can drop the sir crap, Charlie.
You know me.
I know you know me.
-What can I do for you? -Just wanted to know if you could help me out with something.
Go on.
I'm a working man now, got my own chauffeur business.
Well, it's one car and a second-hand suit, but it's a start.
With your help, I might be able to expand a little quicker.
A man in your position, deputy manager.
Maybe you could throw some business my way.
-I'll see what I can do.
Wait outside.
-Cheers, Charlie.
DEREK: Morning, Mr Machin.
(BIRD FLAPPING) Mr Machin, how wonderful to see you again.
-I trust you're well, sir? -I have a urinary tract infection.
I'm sorry to hear that.
If you've finished the paperwork, why don't I show you to up to your room? I believe we've got something extra special for you today.
-Isn't that right, Anna? -Hanging Garden suite.
And that's on the very top floor with your own private balcony.
Thank you, Anna.
This way, sir.
This is one of our most requested suites, sir.
Guests often comment how they find this magnificent view inspiring and life-affirming.
Kind of like having your own pod on the London Eye.
Not, however, to be recommended for guests with vertigo.
I could put you on a lower floor if Perhaps I can have a complimentary pot of coffee sent up.
-Why are you being so nice to me? -Sir? The upgrade to the suite, the complimentary refreshments You're worried that I might top myself again, aren't you? The thought hadn't crossed my mind, Mr Machin.
You know, I will take you up on that free pot of coffee.
Right away, sir.
And if you could throw in a round of sandwiches, I'd be so much happier.
Finally Have you seen this? They forgot one of my surnames.
Yes, good morning.
Can I speak to the brain-dead monkey in charge of printing the name badges, please? I mean, what is the point of having a double-barrelled surname if you don't get to show it off? I always wondered, how did you get a double-barrelled surname? Well, it's usually the result of two wealthy, important families joining forces, and neither wanting to surrender their title.
Nothing to do with your parents not getting married and raising a brood of bastards, then? Special lady coming through.
Hello, Dorrie.
Good to see you again.
-Welcome back, Mr Farrah, welcome back.
-Has it really been a year, Dorrie? And where is my girlfriend today? Ah, there she is.
Looking more beautiful as every year passes.
Oh, you're all so kind.
What's with the leather-faced people? Dorrie Davies.
She was a chambermaid here during the war.
Mr Farrah was a guest staying in room 402.
They met, fell in love and have been happily married ever since.
Every anniversary, they come back to the same room to celebrate.
-Isn't that the most romantic thing ever? -She slept with a guest? What a slut.
Charlie, could you take Mr and Mrs Farrah to their room? -I'm sure they'd like to rest after their journey.
-Right away, Rebecca.
This way, please.
No, you listen to me.
I don't want to be known as Anna Thornton or Anna Wilton.
My name is Anna Thornton hyphen Wilton.
-Here we are.
-Mr and Mrs Farrah, your room has been prepared for you.
-I'll be the judge of that, dear.
-Whatever she says, don't listen to her.
Sheets, not bad.
Used to be able to bounce a shilling off them in my day.
Bathroom, Jack.
Nice suit.
Too many soaps and lotions in the bathroom.
Didn't have all that muck in my day.
Oh, there's a chalky layer on the bath.
Oh, we'll have it cleaned again for you.
Don't worry, dear.
You bring me a cloth, I'll do it meself.
-Are you in a hurry? -Why, what did you have in mind? We need to get back.
You think anyone would notice if we stayed here all day? We could order up some champagne.
-Some oysters.
-Keep dreaming, buddy.
Now up.
Give me a buzz when the Alexandria suite becomes vacant, will you? Why's that? -'Cause I intend to have you in there next.
-Oh, okay, then.
Seeing as you asked so nicely.
Maybe we should be a little bit more careful, you know.
We are taking a hell of a risk.
This building has 67 rooms on nine floors.
Who's gonna catch us? -What dress size are you? -Oh, God, we're not that intimate already, are we? Someone dropped a box of women's clothes off round the back this morning.
Some pretty tasty stuff.
One minute you treat me like a lady, the next a tramp.
I don't know.
Just the man I was hoping to see.
This new receptionist.
Where does she have a tattoo and what is it of? -Why would you ask me? -You've seen her naked.
And don't even think about denying it.
Ben says you two have shagged.
Tell me it's just here.
Please tell me it's just here.
I told you before, she's too posh to have it on the tit.
She ain't posh.
We only once.
And then, I can't remember if she had a tattoo or not.
Not even a tiny rose on her arse? Right, well, I'll see you later.
I've got to go and check on something.
-If you remember anything -Lucky son of a bitch.
-What's this? -Charlie used to screw the new receptionist.
Typically, I'm a breast man, but if she has it on the posterior, I make an exception.
So how is our suicidal musician? Mr Machin's got some guests arriving this afternoon.
People from the advertising agency.
He's gonna play them his jingles, and he's asked for refreshments, cakes etc to be made available.
He wants to impress them.
So long as he doesn't leave in a box, he can have all the food, coffee, cakes and sandwiches he likes.
So that's keep him alive, no matter what the cost is? No matter what.
Some of the staff wanted to arrange a surprise for Mr and Mrs Farrah.
-Seeing as though it's their anniversary.
-Nothing too surprising, I trust.
They are in their 80s.
Well, Derek pointed out that Mrs Farrah, she's a huge Doris Day fan.
So we thought maybe we'd get a Doris Day look-alike, sing a few songs in the restaurant tonight.
Charlie, I know everybody's intentions are good, but our restaurant has two Michelin stars.
I don't think the other diners are gonna be too impressed by some tacky tribute act.
-So that's a no, then? -It's a very big no.
What should I tell the staff? They're all really keen on the idea.
You're the deputy manager.
What you tell them is your decision.
What do you think about Ken Green? Concierge at The Burlington? Yeah, he's good.
-But -He's not as a good as Tony.
You don't think Tony's losing his touch, then? Can I help you, Mrs Radley? Yeah, I need you to do something for me.
Can you get a car and pick up some friends of mine and bring them over? Have you been married long, Mrs Radley? Three months.
We met on a cruise ship.
I was one of the dancers, did ballet as a kid, couple of music videos.
He was recuperating from a heart scare, we fell in love.
It's the stuff of fairy tales, madam.
You're married yourself.
You should know what love at first sight is.
Well, in my case it was more third or fourth sight.
Bit of a pig, is she? -But a decent personality? -Well, I wouldn't say so.
Not to her face, you wouldn't.
I ain't stupid, by the way.
-I know what you're all thinking.
-Madam? The attitude.
I get it everywhere we go.
What's a 50-year-old millionaire doing with a common little tart like me? You think I don't belong here.
Everybody belongs here, madam.
I'm just surprised that Mr Radley has gone out for the day and left his charming young wife alone in the hotel.
You've got a good line of chat, ain't you? Or is that just part of the job? I shall arrange transport for your guests, Mrs Radley.
Cheers, darling.
-Everything all right? -Yeah, why wouldn't it be? -David.
-Yes, boss.
Get a car to pick up from those addresses.
Bill it to the Pyramid suite.
-Dave.
-Yes, boss? Three cases need picking up from 205, pronto.
-Right.
Just Tony's asked me -That's okay, I'll take care of that.
You just get the cases.
-Collect from these addresses.
-Nice one, Charlie.
I owe you for this.
-What time's Doris getting here? -Doris? # Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be # -Change of plan, we can't book her.
-Why not? The hotel can't justify the cost.
Didn't take you long to become management, did it? Mr and Mrs O'Neill, how was dinner at Samson's last night? If you must know, it was the worst meal we've had in our lives.
The food was tasteless, the service was non-existent and the price was extortionate.
I don't know what they're paying you to recommend a place like that, but it isn't worth it.
How do you explain this? I can't, madam.
Have you spoken to housekeeping? This is the complaints department, isn't it? -No, madam, this is the concierge desk.
-Your sign says guest relations.
Doesn't that mean complaints? If you could be bothered to check the sheets before you put them on the bed, it would make my life a lot easier.
Who the hell do you think you're talking to? I think this conversation has got off on the wrong foot.
-You called for me, sir? -Can you keep a beat? One, two, three, four.
Two, two, three, four.
You try it.
-I couldn't possibly -People from the ad agency are gonna be here in ten minutes time.
If I don't sell this jingle, I shall be extremely depressed.
Do you catch my drift? Yeah, but everybody's disillusioned with their job, aren't they? Yeah, well, this time it's different.
Well, what made you want to become a concierge in the first place? The suit.
Seriously? I used to think that anyone who dressed this smart had to be important in some way.
Plus there was nothing else I could do.
Failed at the desk job.
Failed at running a club.
Somehow this came easily and the pay's good.
Yeah, but at what price? You're here almost every night.
You mustn't get any time to spend with your family.
This is where the rich congregate.
My job is to take a little slice of their wealth home with me, without mentioning it to the tax man.
That's cool, but money can't be your only motivation.
That's why rich people are always miserable.
Do you know how much you need to retire on these days? I do.
And with the rate I'm putting money aside, I only need to be doing this job another six, maybe seven years.
I'll be 44 and I'll be able to spend as much time as I want with my family.
That's why making money makes me happy.
Because it reminds me of what I'm working towards.
# PMT is no problem for me # My towels are fresh and discreet, you see # I get on with my life # No trouble, no strife # I am a CareFresh housewife # -Thank you for coming, gentlemen.
-Thanks.
-The lifts are just on the left hand side.
-Yeah.
-Well, that seemed to go down quite well.
-They hated it.
They said they enjoyed themselves.
-They're in advertising.
It's their bloody job to lie.
-They complimented the cakes.
Oh, well, as long as the bloody cakes go down well.
I'm a classically trained musician.
I'm better than this.
I can't even sell a bloody jingle! Maybe I'll order up another pot of coffee.
I don't want any more coffee! I just I just want to be alone.
-There's always tomorrow, Mr Machin.
-Well, maybe there won't be.
If you'll forgive me, sir, I I think I've got an idea.
-£5 already? -That's known as the lure, sir.
It lets the guests know that tipping is accepted and expected.
-Do I get to keep it? -Anything you make's yours.
Wonderful.
(GIGGLING) I assume you're aware that four prostitutes have just breezed through our lobby unquestioned? They're friends of Mrs Radley's, who I do not believe to be a hooker.
I hope you're right about this, Tony, for your own sake.
Dave.
Why did you book that driver for Mrs Radley's guests? I didn't.
Charlie did.
Why are you booking cars for guests? That's my responsibility.
Or at least it was until Rebecca changed my job.
Well, she hasn't changed it, she's just re-branded it.
You already knew about this, didn't you? She mentioned it a couple of days ago.
And in your list of priorities, deputy manager comes higher than mate? No.
The car thing, it's really no big deal.
I was just trying to help.
The driver you chose isn't one of my regulars.
I don't know him, and I don't trust him, not to mention I don't get a cut from him.
And you wanted him warned off.
-I changed my mind about him.
-Well, you just cost me money, Charlie.
So either you're stealing from me or you've got a very good reason.
Go on.
No.
You set it up Charlie, you take the cut.
Tone, I think that's the first time I've ever seen you reject money.
Well, it's not all about money, Charlie.
Sometimes it's about being trusted to do your job.
Six more bottles of Krug, hair and beauty treatments for seven.
Current room service bill, £1,750.
If you want me to go up there and chuck them out, I will happily do it.
I once had this thing with a regional finalist in the 2002 UK Kickboxing Championships.
-I know some moves.
-Go through the database for me.
Find all the details we have on Mr Radley's previous visits.
Phone calls he made, where he ordered transport to.
Okay, right away.
(PLAYING DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC) Here we are.
An English Highball for an English lady.
-Extra shot of vermouth? -I would never forget.
Could I ask the gentleman to assist me at the bar for a moment, please? -Well, if you insist.
-Just the one, Jack.
Thank you, Gino.
I have a Belicoso with your name written all over it.
Now, how's that husband of yours you're always telling me about? -Mark, isn't it? -Good.
Yeah, really good.
Every year I secretly hope to see a little bump down there.
Maybe next year, Dorrie.
This used to be the dance area, you know.
We had some of the old photos restored last year.
A reminder of how things used to be.
They're hanging on the second floor if you get the chance.
The band used to be set up just over there.
Not that I was allowed to see or hear much of it.
We were not supposed to come into this area.
Chambermaids were instructed not to smile or make eye contact with any of the guests.
That's why I enjoy coming back here year after year.
Not to see the bedrooms, the corridors, but to appreciate the side of the hotel that we weren't allowed to be seen in.
Where is he? People do not like to eat to Chopin's Prelude in C Minor.
I must confess, he played it remarkably well.
Tell me you've not said anything to upset him.
Any news from Mr Machin? Machin Machin.
Hanging Garden suite.
Suicidal keyboard player.
Oh, yes, he phoned reception half an hour ago.
-Good.
Did he sound all right? -Sounded fine to me.
Asked for some razor blades, I sent them to his room.
Joking.
Can you call his room for me, please? Do you get a kick out of bossing around women that you've seduced? Please.
Will you call his room for me? You have a finger, you have an ear.
Do it yourself.
He's dead.
I know he is.
(PHONE RINGING) Oh! Right.
That's it.
Five minutes and I'm knocking.
A friend of mine slit her own wrist once.
Took her six hours to die.
What? I'm just saying that you might have hours to save him.
Probably hasn't even turned blue yet.
Oh, nice to see you girls.
-Kisses, kisses, kisses.
-I'm gonna call every day.
Cheers, girls.
I'll see you later in the week.
Lot's of love, bye! (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Mr Machin? Sir? (SIREN WAILING) What the hell is going on? -I thought you were trying to -I was composing! I did try phoning, sir, and knocking on the door repeatedly.
Given your state of mind, of course, I was fearing the After that waiter kicked me out, I came up here and I did cry for an hour.
And I did I did think about ending it all.
Actually, I had the belt around my neck.
And then this melody came to me.
What do I care what it takes to sell the most tampons? I'm a musician.
I write songs in their entirety.
So from here on in, that's what I'm doing.
Well, that's wonderful news.
I'll, um I'll get out of your way.
Charlie, wait.
I need your help with the chorus.
-Sorry, sir, but I'm just going off shift.
-Don't make me unhappy, Charlie.
Anything I can help you with, Dorrie? Yes.
What does "guest relations" mean? Erm, you know, I'm not entirely sure.
Gordon Hartley was the best concierge this place ever had.
-Good looking bugger, and he knew it.
-I know about Gordon.
He was the eyes and ears of the hotel.
Get you anything.
And there was rationing on at the time as well.
Well, there's still a very vibrant black market out there.
Took a real pride in his job.
Used to have terrible rows with the rest of the staff.
People didn't like him much.
Thought he was a bit flash, I suppose.
Not that he cared.
Anyway, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
Rumour had it he'd made himself the wrong sort of enemies.
-Maybe he didn't need the money any more.
-That's a nice way of looking at it.
Me? I think he's in the bottom of the Thames.
Now then, come along, my love.
These people have got work to do.
Oh, you stink of cigar smoke, Jack! -Enjoy your meal.
-Thank you.
Bye, Tony.
We just turned down the bed in Mr Radley's suite.
-And? -And no female clothes, toiletries or luggage.
I knew it! Right, she's out of here.
But that doesn't mean we should jump to conclusions.
-Glad I caught you.
I tracked down Mr Radley.
-Where? Well, the database told me that he once ordered a car from here to an antiques auction.
So I figured he must work in that field.
I called some of the main dealers who had heard of him.
They also told me about this big Sotheby's thing that's going on today.
Long story short, he left the auction house in a taxi five minutes ago.
Rebecca's just gone to kick Mrs Radley out.
Well, she's the boss, she can do that.
Are you still convinced she's genuine? I think the young lady deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Well, get up there and stop her.
I've already been wrong once before.
Why should I risk being wrong again? Because it's your job and no one else's.
New Bond Street.
Gives us 10 minutes.
Is she still in his room? Just ordered a cheeseburger, fries and a milkshake through room service.
Typical hooker food.
Can I just say, Rebecca, you have very athletic legs for a woman.
Thank you.
-The Pyramid suite? -Yeah.
I'll take it from here.
Good evening, Mr Radley.
Just leave it out there, and stick a £5 tip on the bill.
Oh.
I thought you'd gone.
You've had your fun and games.
You've lived out your Pretty Woman fantasy for the day.
Now get dressed and hit the street.
You're making a big mistake.
We can do this the easy way or the drag-you-out-by-the-hair way.
It's your choice.
You're gonna regret this.
Miss, I've seen enough of your sort to recognise them at 50 paces.
-If you've got a name to call me, let's hear it.
-I'd be interested to hear that.
-Ah.
Mr Radley, I'm afraid there's been -Ah, hello, babe.
-I missed you today.
-Oh, missed you, too, babe.
So, what's all this about? -You're Mrs -Radley.
Wife of Mr Radley.
Like what I told you this morning, love.
Would somebody please care to tell me what's going on? I believe there's been a slight misunderstanding in your absence today, sir, but I'm sure that I can help to clear things up.
-This is Tony Casemore, our -Concierge.
-Are you a fan of the ballet, sir? -Ballet? No.
But I believe you wife is.
Had lessons as a child.
That's right.
Well, I took the liberty of reserving two seats for tonight's performance of La Fille Mal Gardée.
It's the story of a farmer's daughter and her desire to marry.
Set to dance, obviously.
Very amusing, by all accounts.
-Oh, can we go? Please.
-The lady hasn't left the hotel all day, sir.
I'm sure that she would appreciate the change of scenery.
But you haven't got anything to wear.
Your luggage is still at the airport somewhere.
I believe I may be able to help with that also.
I owe you an apology.
Actually, Rebecca, you owe it to the guest that you mistook for a hooker.
God, what a night.
I only dropped into Samantha's for a quick drink, but there was this guy there.
City job, 200K a year, very drunk and up for a party.
We had dinner at Seven Over Eight.
It wasn't their best night, but I didn't complain because he was buying.
Never accuse me of not having manners.
And then, I don't know why or who suggested it, but we ended up at Studio 33.
Now, I'm not a snob, but they were pretty much letting anyone in.
In fact, you weren't there last night, were you? No, anyway.
By this point, Bruce is just horribly drunk.
And I know, he's called Bruce for one.
But anyway, I get in a cab and we go back to his flat in the Docklands and it turns out his flat is, like, half the size he says it was all the way back at Samantha's.
It's not the only thing that's half the size it's meant to be, as I find out.
He crashes out, and I sit up drinking coffee and scrolling through his MP3 player, which, I swear, is like three quarters filled with country and western music.
-I mean, how weird is that? -Weird.
So anyway, what did you do last night? Ah, put my son to bed, read a magazine, had an early night, you know.
You are so lucky.
I crave to do boring stuff like that.
Always keep a fresh set in the locker 'cause you just never know.
Nice tattoo.
Oh, thanks.
I understand you're looking for information about a certain tattoo? -Morning, love.
-Morning, sir.
I could do with some help on a room inspection when you're free.
It's 7:30 in the morning.
Well, I'm an early riser.
Aren't you? Room 408 is showing vacant and inspected on the list.
I swear it is.
I recognise this stuff.
I suggest we get out of here now.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
Bit early for the meeting, aren't you, Charlie? There's a bit of a problem with room 408, Rebecca.
My husband's away on business.
I don't like staying alone in the house when he's Might I suggest that we update the database to show that the room is occupied? Might save confusion for reception or housekeeping.
Thank you, Charlie.
-Could you -Already done.
I've got enough material for an album.
Yeah.
Well, EP.
Book the studio and we'll start recording on Monday.
Yeah.
Bye.
-Good morning, Mr Machin.
-It's a beautiful morning.
Yeah.
-Good work, Charlie.
-Thank you.
Would you excuse me for a second, please, Rebecca? -Out.
-What is with the hostility? All I'm trying to do is make a career for myself.
Surely you can understand that, Charlie.
And I've tried to help you, but I can't do it any more.
You know what, Charlie, ever since we ran into each other again, I've been wondering something.
How do you end up with a responsible job like this after spending time inside? Me? Wouldn't even get an interview.
You must have a very, very understanding boss.
Is that her? Maybe I should see if she's got a job for me.
Can you believe this? (CHUCKLING) Is a triple-barrelled name better than a double-barrelled name? Yes, idiot in charge of name badges, please.
Yes, little man, what do you want? I would like a little taste of the Rolls-Royce lady at the top of your left arse cheek.
Gino has taken Mr Farrah and a bottle of brandy to your office.
I should've let you book Doris Day.
I don't think it would've made any difference, Rebecca.
I've arranged for the service lift to be emptied, and the undertakers to park round the back of the kitchens.
That way we can take the body out with the minimum fuss and disruption.
-She's going out through the front door.
-Excuse me? Mrs Farrah was a guest.
She will go down in the guest lift, and she will leave through the lobby.
Of course.
Right.
Back to work, people.
I want those flowers changed.
I want the bar open in ten minutes.
I want smiling faces.
I want those bags away from reception.
And will someone turn these lights up? It's too dark in here.
CHARLIE: In the hotel trade we try to present an immaculate, professional image at all times.
We realise that a dirty glass, a cold meal or a short and curly in the bathtub can ruin your stay.
And I'd be lying if I say we didn't have our off days.
Some days we can't polish, dust, garnish, stack, tuck or fold our way out of trouble.
You just have to accept us for what we are.
-Morning, Graham.
-Morning, Tony.
And when the chips are down, every hotel should rely on the same person.
Excuse me, where can I get a coffee? Oh, yes.
Just go through there.
Someone will look after you.
-What's this? -That's me admitting that I was wrong.
It's rare, so make the most of it.
That is what you wanted all along, isn't it? Well, it depends.
Do I get to keep my pay raise as well? Yes, Tony.
You do.
Your bill, sir.
If you'd like to check that everything's in order.
How did you manage to spend £2,000 on room service? I was bored.
Well, as you enjoyed the service, I'll let you distribute the tip.
I don't think any of them deserve it, babe.
So I'll spend it on myself.
The airport just delivered your luggage, Mrs Radley, and they apologise for the mix-up.
Here you go, spotty.
Hang on a minute, babe.
-Did you enjoy the ballet, madam? -Loved it.
Didn't understand what they were up to, but it was nice to be there.
He don't take me out much.
Embarrassed of what people might think.
Here you are.
-Madam? -For looking after me.
That's how it works in these places, isn't it? I'm still learning.
-Thank you.
-Come here.
You do know I only married him for his money, don't you? When his dodgy little heart finally gives out, I'm coming back to see you.
Cheers, Gordon.
Charlie, I need you to find me a husband.
Well, it's not totally impossible.
You're talking about getting a dodgy wedding licence.
So, that gives us four days to find you a husband.
I'm afraid we've had complaints from some of the other guests about your behaviour.
My behaviour? This really means a lot to me, thank you.
We were thinking you could have the wedding in the hotel.
I haven't got the five grand I need.
Maybe I'll find it from somewhere, eh? Don't go rocking the boat too hard.
We do need this wedding to go ahead.
It's Alexis.
He's crazy.
What the hell is going on?