Hotel Transylvania: The Series (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [THUNDERING.]
[MUSIC.]
[RAP BEAT PLAYING.]
[HARD ROCK PLAYING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[BATS SQUEAKING.]
[MUSIC.]
[OVER MIC.]
Hello, Hotel Transylvania! I'm Frankenstein.
And this is Bad Friday! One, two, three! Once in 100 years We get to make 'em scream [SCREAMS.]
Once every 100 years We scare 'em till they pee It's your day, it's my day It's Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Friday It's your day, it's my day It's Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Friday [CHEERING.]
Here's how it works.
Whoever scares Larry the Leech the most, wins! Highest scores are tracked on our Scare-O-Meter 2,000! Booyah! What is wrong with this century? Bad Friday is about monsters scaring humans to death, not giving each other the heebie jeebies.
[CLUCKING.]
Progress! Yes.
And it is disgusting.
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH.]
My first ever Bad Friday card? Aww, you're such a softie.
Thanks, Dad! [SNIFFLING.]
- Aww, Bad Friday to you too, Jim.
- Thanks! It's from my dad.
"Dear Mavis, just do your best, which means win!" - Ugh, unbelievable! - Yikes, no pressure.
Your Dad is the greatest Bad Friday champ of all time! Every 100 years on Bad Friday, there's your Dad, winning the Screamie for scoring the most blood-curdling scream! But I guess now, with your Dad away, for the first time in a millennium, that baby's up for grabs! [SCREAMING.]
Then again, you kind of have it in the IV bag, being in your blood and all.
No, thanks! Bad Friday is my Dad's deal.
I want nothing to do with it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Mavis the rebel, love it.
- Poor kid can't hack it.
- Yeah, she's terrified.
Ooh, it's from my dry cleaners! That is so thoughtful.
You, uh, clean those things? Nope! They press all my grilled cheese sandwiches.
Bad Friday to you, Hankie! I'm so glad I'm here for your first one.
Don't worry.
I know you won't win.
- It's Mavis all the way! - Aww, thanks, Dad! - Oh, come on! - Sorry, Mavis, but you're a Dracula.
You got this in the IV bag.
[SIGHING.]
The pressure is off! Man, that feels so goo I mean, I wish my dad expected more of me.
[BARKING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[DINGING.]
And the first scream is in! Taking an early lead, it's, uh Anyone know which pup that was? [THUNDERING.]
[MUSIC.]
[SCREAMING.]
[DINGING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[DINGING.]
Whoa! Seriously? Hello? [SNORING.]
Quit staring at me with eyes full of expectation.
Honey bat, come on! At least try to get a scream.
Is there a rule somewhere that says every Dracula has to win? It's unspoken.
Great, let's keep it that way.
[MUFFLED SPEAKING.]
Make an effort! Scare up some initiative! Put your fangs into it! Does this shirt make me look pale? Get out of my head, Dad! Ah! Teenagers! HANK: I'm kind of glad Mavis isn't trying.
At least I won't be the only one who doesn't get a scr Whoa! [SCREAMING.]
[SNORING.]
[DINGING.]
All right, a tiny, but noble first effort by my son, Hank N.
Stein! [CHEERING.]
Atta boy.
- Sorry, dude, but also, booyah! - Woo! [HUMMING.]
How can you celebrate? That barely ranks on the curdle scale.
Hey, man, at least he tried.
True, unlike my niece, Mavis, daughter of Dracula! [GROANING.]
- Or you.
Am I right? - She has won it before, though.
She did? You did? Wait.
How do you know? I have a bad habit of accidentally on-purpose reading diaries.
[CLUCKING.]
"Accidentally"? It's true.
I did indeed win, five times in a row, before Mavis's father was born.
Back then, we only scared humans.
You should have seen the high score in my day! [MUSIC.]
But then baby brother came along and won and won and won.
- Still, it is a tradition.
- Oh! Now, who would like to see me win the Screamie? Ooh, me! Oh, do it! Oh, I want you to do it so bad! [CLUCKING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[DINGING.]
And Lydia takes the lead with a rare triple slay! Booyah! And that is how a Dracula wins the Screamie.
[GROANING.]
Fine.
Everyone wants me to win the Screamie so bad.
I'll do it! Ha-ha! The only way to beat a triple slay is to scare a human.
Done and done.
[ALL GASP.]
Ah, Mavis, you silly bat, you can't make a human scream.
- You're only 114.
- Relax.
I got it.
Like my Dad says, "It's in our blo-blo-blood!" Yeah, he totally doesn't say that.
Okay, I'm going to spook the humans, win the Screamie and spend the next 100 years gloating piece of worm-cake.
I've got this.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
How hard can it be? [DOG BARKING.]
BABY: Boo-boo! [SCREAMING.]
[CHEERING.]
[DINGING.]
[GASPING.]
[PANTING.]
Can you believe it? It was only the most blood-curdling scream tonight! Mavis Dracula, one question: How did you do it? [STAMMERING.]
I [CHUCKLING.]
There's not much to tell.
It's the ballad of Mavis, frightener of humans And the scream heard round the world Well, okay, I went behind a tree.
And I saw an open window Hidden by the tree of decisions With sap of purest gold Mavis spied the gateway to terror Could she be so bold? So, I went up to the window.
She could, she could be so bold She could be and she was And I saw Mrs.
Cartwright, and [SCREAMING.]
She scared her prey on Bad Friday Mavis, frightener of humans Umm, that's not exactly I didn't think she'd pull it off She's soft, she's just a child - # She's scarier than you by far # - # Or playing fast and wild # She scared the humans and beat your score And blasted aliens with a whole bunch of lasers [IMITATING SHOOTING.]
Oh, you want some of this? [IMITATING SHOOTING.]
[BLOWING.]
[LAUGHING.]
She scared her prey on Bad Friday And blasted aliens with lasers, hey Mavis, frightener of humans Mavis, frightener of humans [BATS SQUEAKING.]
[OWL HOOTING.]
[SIGHING.]
[GASPING.]
Your father will be so proud.
I wish I'd seen it myself.
I know.
Let's go back.
You can scare her again with me as your witness.
I'd love to.
But it was once-in-a-lifetime, element of surprise and all.
I bet you could do it again anyway.
You are good.
- Yeah! Do it! Do it! - Yes! It's settled.
Come, Mavis.
I can't wait to see exactly how you did it.
Right behind you! I'm the one who screamed, not Mrs.
Cartwright! - Oh, no.
- But the song! Yeah, that's not what happened.
Now, let's see what we've got here.
[BABY GIGGLING.]
[SCREAMING.]
What was it? What did you see? I can't even.
It was too horrible! Well, this time, you've got us.
- We're scare masters! - Well, sort of.
- Not really.
- Actually, at all.
Mavis, I said [YELLING.]
let's go!!! Uh, coming! So, this is the tree of decisions with sap of purest gold? And that is the gateway to terror? Y-Yeah, but, you know, it's scarier when the light's on.
But it's off.
So, I guess, ha-ha, we should go.
[LIGHT SWITCH FLICKING.]
Oh, yes, that is much worse.
Stop! Once you see what's in there, you can never un-see it! I knew it! You didn't scare anyone! - Please, Aunt Lydia, I'm warning you.
- You are warning me? Child, I have seen it all, including seeing my niece fake her way through the glory of Bad Friday.
Now watch and learn! [GASPS.]
Who's a bunny bunny? [SNIFFING.]
Oh, my! Did someone go boom-boom? What is your father feeding you? [BABY GIGGLING.]
Next time, it's Daddy's turn! [SCREAMING.]
[RUMBLING.]
We have a winner! [MUSIC.]
Why would she touch it? And what are they saving them for? I don't know.
And I don't ever want to know either! We must never speak of this again.
MAVIS: [STAMMERING.]
I-It's a deal, Aunt Lydia.
[BATS SQUEAKING.]
[HOWLING.]
[MUSIC.]
Hey! [GRUNTING.]
Boom! You just got Pedro'd! Ah.
My mother said "Sheldon, why not become a doctor or a lawyer?" But, no, I had to weave nets.
Mavis, Mavis, over here! My turn! Rats! I thought I had it! It's okay, man.
You're good at doing other stuff, like watching me do my victory dance! Kick it! [GRUNTING.]
[MUSIC.]
Oh, man.
[GRUNTING.]
And that's how you play basketball! Boom-Drac-a-laca! - I got this! - Yeah, right.
Would it kill you to at least pretend he's going to score? [GRUNTING.]
Aah! [THUD.]
Ow! Oh, stitches! Poor guy, too bad he's just How do I say this? Really good "at not being very great.
" If only there was a way to give him the gift of basketball.
[GASP.]
Wait a sec.
That's it.
I'll give him the gift of basketball! You and gifts? No.
What are you talking about? I'm an amazing gift giver.
- Right, Wendy? - Okay, how do I say this? Some of your presents are really good at not being very great! Name one.
Uncle Archie? Is that you!? Great, an invisible tie.
[SCREAMING.]
This time, it's gonna be different.
- I know just what Hank needs.
- HANK: Help.
Whoa! - Two points! - Yay! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah! [THUNDERING.]
[MUSIC.]
Famous Igors, wicked step-monsters, faceless henchmen.
Ooh, there it is, athletes! Hmm, is this the one? [GRUNTING.]
Only one way to find out.
[RUMBLING.]
[MUSIC.]
Boom! Guess whose gravestone's going to say "here lies an amazing gift giver!" [THUNDERING.]
Hmm, got any fours? No.
Go fish.
[SCREAMING.]
- Ha! Fished my wish! - Did someone say "Wish"? No need for those when you've got Mavis, the greatest gift giver around! For me? Wait a sec.
It's not going to try to kill me, is it? As if! Ooh! Antlers! What's he going to do with extra hands? Clap more? Oh, oh, I don't know, maybe play basketball super awesomely? [MUSIC.]
Whoa! Cool! [SPITTING.]
Look! I'm already clapping more! Fits like a gloves! I got to take these puppies for a test drive.
[SAD MUSIC.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Oh, yeah, who's got two thumbs pointing at her and is the best gift giver ever? This vampire! [MUSIC.]
[GASPS.]
Yes! Mama, there goes that man! And that's a slam-dunk for Mavis's gift-giving! Oh, also, yay, Hank! [SAD MUSIC.]
[CRYING.]
Woo! [GASPING.]
Okay, that's it.
I quit! Mavis, I'll never, ever forget who gave me these hands.
I can't wait to see what else these guys can do! Whoa, way to stay in shape, new hands! Old hands used to take breaks all the time, so lazy.
[SAD MUSIC.]
[TOILET FLUSHING.]
Uh, guys it's been a lot of fun but believe it or not, there's more to life than just basketball.
I'm not saying balling isn't super important.
But maybe we could, you know, try brushing my teeth? Nice.
Thanks, guys.
Ow! Hey, uh, easy or you'll hit my brain.
[GROANING.]
[THUD.]
[GRUNTS.]
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Oh, good, you're up.
Remind me to never give you a job in the wake-up call department.
- Mavis, you got to help me.
- Sorry.
The gift-giving help desk is closed for sleep.
But this is a gift-giving complaint! A gift-giving who-what-now? I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
And you don't even want to know what going to the bathroom is like, okay? Um, maybe don't touch anything, okay? They're awesome at basketball and terrible at everything else! Um, have you tried taking them off? Oh, you know, I never thought of that.
Of course I thought of that! Ow! [MUSIC.]
Holy rabies, this is a job for a professional, or something close to one.
Mm-hmm, uh-huh, just as I suspected.
- These are definitely hands.
- We know what they are! We need to know how to get them off! Classic case of reverse limb rejection.
They're too comfy cozy on Hank's arms.
The only cure is to have your old hands reclaim their spot.
Hopefully, you've put them somewhere safe.
What if, by accident, Hank threw away his old hands like they were totally worthless? I have just the prescription.
You've got to woo 'em.
Uhh, "Woo"? How do we woo? If I knew that, I'd still have my old girlfriend and my ex-dog! - [SOBBING.]
Gone! Gone! - Don't worry.
I have a plan.
And it involves wooing gifts.
- You know how to "Woo"? - You don't get to be 114 without reading a few Teen Fang Magazines.
We need flowers and grand gestures! What about, uh, you know who? Oh! They're staying here.
I have just the body-sitters for the job.
- Uhh, we're not flying high, are we? - Oh, no, no, not at all.
- Heh.
What's tickling my chin? - Uh, blades of grass.
Ooh, roses for wooing! Open wide.
Hank! I see your hands! [MUFFLED.]
Here, these are for you.
He says "Here, these are for you.
" Huh? This next song goes out to Hank's hands, from his head and his heart.
[SPITTING.]
Handy hands, come back to me Forgive me, please We we're meant to be You know me like the back of Uhh, you.
Stop! Guys, come on! Think of the good times, like, uh, when we'd play pull my finger to freak out the wolf pups! Or how you'd clean dandruff off my shoulder and pretend it's snow? Aww, happy memories, good times! It's working! It's totally disgusting.
- But it's working! - It's just not the same without you! Aww, I missed you so much too! Ow, ow, ow! The noogies less so.
[SOBBING.]
Okay, this was fun the first 967 times.
Who am I kidding? It's still fun! [MUSIC.]
Hey, new hands, time for a showdown! [DINGING.]
[SPRITZING.]
[GROWLING.]
[MUSIC.]
I can't watch.
But I also can't cover my eyes, or clap for the winner.
So [GROANING.]
- What's the winner get anyway? - Duh! Me! [GASPS.]
Oh, cool, cool stuff.
[MUSIC.]
[GROWLING.]
[DINGING.]
[CHEERING.]
Awesome! Ooh, pretty! [GASPING.]
Oh, no! New hands wants to play guillotine, pitchfork, icepick! Old hands never wins that game! - Somebody do something! - I know.
Hey, new hands, think fast! - No leaving the ring! - Old hands wins! [DINGING.]
[GROWLING.]
Glad to have you back, buds.
[GASPING.]
And as for you two Thanks, foot! I'm sorry about the whole gift-giving thing.
I promise to stop.
No way, you made me awesome at something even if it almost completely ruined my life.
- Yeah, I did! - [LAUGHS.]
Wait.
What? - High-five! - Uhh, okay! [GRUNTING.]