House of Lies s01e02 Episode Script

My name is Marty Kaan, and I'm a management consultant.
You're the mad genius we're paying all this money for? Every week my team and I go somewhere and talk people into thinking they really, really need us.
Are we billing Metrocap for this? Duh.
- Hey, dad? - Shit.
Hey! What's mom doing here? You just him flounce around like it's a done deal.
"Well, our son is a tranny for life.
" Still don't know exactly what it is we do? Time's up.
Got to run.
Call me.
Closing Closing is the thing I do that sets me apart from you.
It's what makes me bulletproof.
I can close anybody.
I take my numbers, my models, my Powerpoint, and I tickle your taint just so.
And you know what? You open like a goddamn lotus flower, and I'm in.
You hardly even feel it.
Am I right? I mean, can you see the vista or can't you, Dick? - Yeah, actually, I-I don't know.
Because if if you can't see that Galweather can lift you up from your lowly minus-20 N.
P.
S Dick, if you don't see that with absolute fucking clarity, then your job is shit.
Your life is shit.
Your company will fail.
Your wife, Dick she will leave you, and you will lose everything.
Jesus, Marty.
If you look at it like an investment, okay, the return on your dollar is literally obscene.
You have to be willing to violate violate personal space, violate manners, violate the law, hell, violate every molecule so all that's left is the "yes.
" If we make this deal, if we actually come aboard, do you realize what you'll be getting? You're getting hope.
You're getting support.
Credibility, right? Salvation.
Jesus Christ, Dick, you're getting your company back.
Do you want these things for pennies on the dollar? Can we make this deal right now? Dick, at the end of two years, your company will be as shiny and pink as the gums of a newborn reborn, profitable, stable.
You say yes, and it's all yours, Dick.
Say yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
- Okay, just fucking finish.
- No.
Okay, okay.
You know what? Time's up.
We're done.
Get off.
You want me to stop, say the safe word.
Stop.
How about that? - Say the fucking safe word.
- I don't know what the fucking stupid goddamn safe word is.
The fucking safe word is "Amsterdam.
" You made the goddamn word up.
I didn't why would I fucking make "Amsterdam" up? Fuck you.
ThoseAren't TheWords.
You want to play? - Yes! - Come on.
Yeah.
Fucking love it.
Fucking love it.
You love this? Get the fuck off me! Yeah, oh, what's the fucking safe word now? You fucking tell me.
My FuckingGod! Shit! Amsterdam! So you on the beach? "On the beach.
" That's consultant for "between engagements.
" You don't want to stay on the beach for too long, or else you become a "new alum" recently fired.
No, I'm not on the beach.
- No? - No, I am developing clients.
I actually have an engagement starting in the morning.
Yeah.
And it's huge.
Great.
You just had sex.
What? How can you tell? - Let me see that dick.
- Get the fuck away.
You definitely just had sex.
I just had a client lunch, closed a $4 million piece of business you're welcome.
Okay, well, unless the client was your penis, I'm gonna challenge that.
Yeah, you're right.
No, he does.
He smells like pussy.
Excuse me.
Okay, if you weren't fucking a client, then who were you fucking? Yeah, and hang on more importantly, do you get points towards your total travel hook-up points total? I mean, does it count if you don't disclose? Because I think not.
I think not.
Calm down.
Breathe, baby, breathe.
I'm just saying I just want to know the rules to the hook-up - Who hooked up with who? Do you know what I keep smelling? Chocolate chip cookies.
Do you smell that? Yes, I do smell a bit of chocolate chip cookies.
So do I.
Chocolate chip cookies and aftershave.
Yes, like aftershave and cookies.
- It's vanilla, okay? - Are you serious? Please explain that.
Would you calm down, all right? So I dab a little bit of vanilla behind my ears every morning big deal.
- Is that a real thing? - Yes.
Do you really do that? Why would you do that? - For the ladies.
- I got to tell everyone.
Is that fine? And here I go.
Okay, women associate wait a minute.
Women associate the smell of vanilla with romance fact.
I agree, Doug.
I'm slightly attracted to you now.
- Wait, really? - Absolutely not.
- Principal Gita.
- You always know it's me.
Yeah, that's called Caller I.
D.
- Of course, Mr.
Kaan.
- Go ahead, Gita.
- Well, do you have a moment? - Yeah, go ahead.
Well, maybe we should just sit down when you can come in please, Gita, let's go.
What is it? Ms.
Calderon sent Roscoe to the office because his outfit was distracting the children.
What the fuck is that supposed to mean? A group of the class parent body wanted to put a stop to Roscoe's unrestrained and joyous disregard for the gender-specific Cross-dressing - Y-y-you really want to do this? You think this is a good idea? Do you have any idea what you are opening yourself up to? Principal Gita? Can I go back to class? - Of course, dear.
Go on.
- Thanks.
You got my kid in your office right now? No, I do not.
He just left the office.
Mr.
Kaan, I just wanted to lob it out there, begin the dialogue I'm gonna lob it.
Don't you worry about nothing.
I'm gonna lob it unimaginable places.
It's gonna be like a live hand grenade.
This is gonna be a lot of fun, Gita.
Mr.
Kaan.
I wonder if, in the future, we could speak in less militaristic terms.
Mr.
Kaan? - Marty? - Fucking kidding me? Skip would love to see you and your team when you have a minute.
Okay.
- What, right now? - Yeah.
Skip to my Lou.
So you, finally gonna kiss me? No.
- What's up, skip? - I'm sorry.
Was that a joke? What she just said? No.
No, the kiss thing.
No, I think you're actually gonna fucking kiss me.
Of course it's a joke.
O It's a locker room thing, like, with the guys, "hey, you gonna kiss me?" Yeah, yeah, like the movie.
"Kiss me.
" "What?" "Kiss me, I like to be kissed when I'm getting fucked.
" You mean like that? Yeah.
How can we help you, sir? We have been in talks with a very powerful sports franchise for the past few days.
The Rainmaker has chosen you and your team to drop in, very quietly, and do some critical care.
Team.
The Rainmaker Marco Pelios, he who shall not be named.
The Rainmaker is the Dalai Lama of management consulting, which is not to say that he's a good person, just a profoundly effective one.
Marty.
Marty, Marty, Marty.
We've chosen your team for the drop-in.
This is deep cover, black Ops.
- I'm guessing it's Phoenix.
- How did you know that? Because his eyes are open, skip.
Marty Kaan is awake.
Marty Kaan sees things in 3-D, all the fucking time.
- Yes, sir.
- There's been a lot of chatter about Franco and Bridget Colmonares.
- The divorce there's a fight over the team.
And they've borrowed against the team to the tune of $100 million, I think.
They're close friends of mine.
So I'd like to see what you can do for 'em.
I mean, don't undercharge them, for God sakes.
- Fuck, no.
Undercharge? - What does that mean? Don't worry.
Don't worry about that.
We're gonna help you out.
I have no doubt.
Remember, this is a halo jump.
"Halo" high altitude, low open.
Management consultants love that special forces jargon.
Roger that, sir.
Is somebody making cookies? Guys! Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! My God, I just saw Cat Deeley getting out of a limo.
Who's Cat Deeley? What? You're joking.
Cat Deeley! The wildly successful spokesmodel from so you think you can dance? I love her.
I love her.
Hey.
- We get it he loves her.
- Long time.
I know.
I need some things.
Yeah.
I mean Well, I'm in Phoenix this week, but I you're very sweet.
Why don't you just call me when you get to the duh, yes.
You are super funny.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
All right, bye.
Don't start.
Start what? I didn't say anything.
I didn't say anything.
- You didn't say anything.
- I didn't say a word.
I think Jeannie's incredibly mature phone manner kind of says it all.
Eat me.
Did something just happen here? Pretty sure that someone who Jeannie boinked is flying to Phoenix.
You are so right! You are so absolutely correct is what she's trying to say! I haven't even talked to him since b-school.
- Not since b-school.
We're just having dinner.
Whatever.
'Cause I would fly to Phoenix just to have dinner with you.
Definitely.
You're a child.
Where do they stand? Well, you know, the NBA's looking to move in ever since mommy and daddy's divorce got ugly.
We just have to figure out a long-term scenario, as well as a is that Cat Deeley? That is Cat Deeley.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, Cat? Yeah.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I just God, I just I just wanted to say I just wanted to say that I'm such a huge So you think can dance? Fan.
I really am.
Guilty I just think you're great, and I I mean, 'cause I used to dance.
- No.
Stop.
- A long time ago long before I went to Harvard.
There.
My bag.
That's great.
You know, I have a huge respect for dancers.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, I did, you know, I did hip-hop and jazz and - Don't say ballet.
- But I also kind of - Do not say ballet.
- Focused a lot on ballet.
Yeah, well, you kind of have to.
- Right, the fundamentals.
- Yeah.
But I never really did tap.
I always thought that was kind of a feat.
I can krump, if you like krumping.
- Really? - Yeah, I kind of God.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
My God, are you okay? It's actually really good to see someone else spill something for once, because, you know, I'm such a klutz.
You smell delicious, like a Vanilla latte.
I spilled some here just all in this area, if you want to Attention, Virgin customers, flight 819 is now boarding.
I I have to go.
That's my plane.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Say something to her.
- Help with her bags.
She's got a ton of 'em.
Doug.
Go say something.
Go now.
Go.
Go.
This is your chance, go do something.
- Doug, go, go, go, go.
- Do something.
- Doug, go pick up a bag.
- Go help her with her bags.
Are you kidding me? Nice to meet you.
I'm Cat.
- I - Physical contact, here we go.
Flesh to flesh.
So No, say your name.
Say your name.
Say your name.
Doug Guggenheim - I mean - Don't look at me.
It can't be real.
That wasn't real.
God, my balls are scorched.
You are so much worse than I thought.
No.
I think I came.
It says right here the league may just seize and sell the Huskies.
Shit, man, that is one big, fat asset to blow.
Don't.
You blew it with the dime piece of all time.
And she was rich.
And she dug you.
God, she patted my balls.
God, I just love her so much.
It's gonna be okay.
Show me where she patted you.
Show me with my hand where she patted you.
- I'm not gonna show you.
- I'll just grab 'em.
It's sacred.
- Let's see what we got up here.
- It's probably gonna be nasty.
I hate it when mommy and daddy fight.
I just want it to be like when we were all a family.
Why can't daddy come live with us? 'Cause daddy made a baby with the housekeeper.
Daddy.
We're just gonna install ourselves as the necessary mediators in this clusterfuck.
They're gonna be in a siege mentality, so we just have to swoop in and be the liberators.
I talked to a pal of mine who says that the league is circling right now.
We got about a day to see if there's anything here to salvage.
Then we better rip and roll.
- You're late.
- Late? Yes, sir, actually, we're ten minutes early, but you don't have to worry about any of that anymore, because we're here now.
We're here to restore your team, your entire organization, to its former glory and make it better than it's ever been.
The past is dead.
We're creating the future, starting right here, right now.
I'm Marty Kaan these are my colleagues from Galweather Stearn, and it is time for you to hand the bullshit to us and get back to the business of winning championships.
He's too good.
- And we're an hour late.
- And you must be Bridget.
Marco told me to extend a very special hello to you.
And he speaks so highly of you, Marty.
She doesn't know Marco the way I know Marco.
Marco's my best friend.
I thought that you alienated or fucked all your friends and employees.
This is what I'm talking about.
She cannot continue to slander me Willy-nilly.
I forget.
Is it slander if it's 100% true? I mean, if I accuse him of serial whore-banging and fathering a child with our housekeeper of 20 years, is that slander? Well, it I don't know if it's the technical - Room for interpretation.
- There's probably text on it.
I mean, it's a good question.
We can find out.
What's another word for cunt? There's so many, honestly.
I'm not sure.
Anywhere you put your filthy junk? I used to stick it in that sore of a fucking mouth you've got, bitch.
Really? Well, how about if I take it and stick it in your ass? - Gold-digging bitch! All right, all right.
Listen, listen.
I would like to take a process check piss and then let's reset, start boiling the ocean.
We're gonna get this done, okay? God, I am very uncomfortable.
Honestly, Marty, I'm really more of a numbers guy.
He's right.
We're not here for marriage counseling.
Is there any way we get out of this without getting fired? Are you guys fucking kidding me? You bunch of babies, we just stumbled over a pile of gold bullion.
They're so fucking distracted, we could practically write their checks for them.
We just got to keep this organization out of seizure.
Now, does anybody have an I.
Q.
point that we can spare on this thing? Yes.
Okay, I could make up, like, a sexy excel model, show how the team won't be bankrupted by the divorce? The team will be bankrupted by the divorce.
Get on it.
Clyde, start ripping his deck to shit.
Done.
"Deck" basically a Powerpoint presentation for the client.
That's what we do we make Powerpoint decks, and we stuff them with numbers to sell our way of fixing the company just enough to sell them some more.
- Doug, do me a favor.
Double-check these numbers for me real quick.
Yeah.
Does that make sense? Hey, when's this big date? Tonight, and it's not a date.
It's a date.
So awesome to see you.
It's really awesome to see you too.
You look awesome.
You do.
I hear this food is actually really good, and my hotel room is It's pretty nice.
For Phoenix.
I hear that you are just shredding it at Galweather.
Well, it's very nice to hear that you heard that.
Yeah.
All my sources are like, "dude, she is all over that shit.
" What do you mean your "sources"? Just people I talk to at Catrell.
- Catrell the head-hunting firm? Yeah.
That Catrell.
You know people over there? Shit.
What? - I-I work there.
I work at Catrell.
I'm a headhunter.
That's why I called you.
Yeah.
I thought you were looking to make a move.
Yeah.
No, I know.
I know yes, I know you're a headhunter, but I thought for some reason, I thought you worked at Boseman.
No.
Fuck Boseman.
I hate those pricks.
So What's the job? So this is a primo opportunity.
Okay, you drop right in at project manager level.
If you stick that landing Fast track to partner.
Yeah, I'm on a pretty fast track to partner at Galweather.
Working under Marty Kaan? Are you kidding me, Jeannie? That guy is a fucking sociopath.
Marty the con man? The only thing he's ever promoted is his own legend.
I'm prepared to make a prelim tonight.
Well, then now we're talking.
- Shouldn't we be drinking? - Yes.
Paid for by Catrell.
Thank you.
You know, the numbers aren't that bad.
I mean, you know, if it weren't for the divorce, they could probably just gut it out.
- Seriously? - Yeah, but hang on.
With the divorce, it's fucking armageddon.
Look what she's hitting him with on the team buyout.
Where's the $100 million that vanishes off the spreadsheet? Yeah, good question.
Not really clear.
I mean, it kind of gets transferred around, goes into operating costs.
No, where does it zero out? Give me a second.
- Y-y-you're back after the date? That's that's not a good sign.
Can we please skip the part where you mercilessly skewer me? I don't think there's a chance.
I don't think we can.
I'm so sorry, but we can't.
He is a fucking headhunter.
That's crazy, 'cause I'm constantly looking for head also all the time.
- No.
- Now's not the time.
From Catrell? It's actually a decent offer too.
The only good thing Who's the headhunter? Derek Fielder.
Let me get this through my head, just real quick.
So you thought it was a date, right? But he just wanted you for your mind? That is so sad.
- From you? Really? - What does that mean? - What does that - What does that mean? What does that mean? Were you not there with your penis this morning? You came all over the inside of your fucking pants.
God damn it, Clyde! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
All right, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You know what? If you're so fucking smart, Clyde Yeah.
Then how would you bag Cat Deeley? You're asking how I would bag Cat Deeley? - That's right.
You.
- Easily, that's how.
All right, well, if it's so easy, let's make it interesting, then.
My God.
This is gonna be the easiest money.
I'm on Clyde.
Okay, you want to do this? Critical assumptions? Data dump? Put 'em up.
- No.
No, no, no.
You get nothing.
You get none of that.
You get what I got, which is zero, okay? You're just Clyde Oberhold, you're the lowly analyst for the number-two consulting firm in the country.
You've just got to close.
Go.
All I got to do is close.
I don't have to get her grandma to fall in love with me or anything like that? No.
Are you fucking kidding me? You just have to fuck her.
Jesus, he's stalling.
Stop stalling.
Here I go.
I rent a sick ride.
- Like a one-of-a-kind sick ride.
- So cliche.
- No, come on.
I find her favorite hang, and I just live there.
Live there? You don't have the rest of your life.
You didn't give me a time limit, Doug.
- Fuck, Clyde! - You didn't.
- All right.
- She sees the ride, right? And it's like a vintage Aston-Martin.
Do you see this thing? I cultivate an air of interesting Interesting international money.
All money's interesting, baby boy.
- Not to Cat fucking Deeley.
- Touche.
But then this is this is the big part The big partThat What's going on? - I cry loudly - What? After a phone call.
See, my My sister just died, and I was raised by a sister, so I'm more evolved.
Sweetie.
Shit, man, I didn't know that.
- Doing the fucking thing, man.
- Doug! Shit, I'm sorry.
That was very good.
- She comforts me.
- Yes, she does.
Yeah, for maybe, like, 30 seconds, am I right? Well, game over.
Whereupon I tell her my sister would be so proud and happy that I've secured a fund for $200 million to make interesting, character-driven movies.
Holy shit.
Wait a second.
Hold up.
You're not an actress, are you? Well, I mean, not primarily, but a little bit, yeah.
My God, that accent.
It's amazing.
It's from the Midlands.
- It's perfect.
- Thank you.
There's this role.
It's sensitive, selfless former drug addict it's like Ghandi meets Little Mermaid meets the notebook.
Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina.
Sure.
- You know what? - What? We should get dinner and talk about it.
- I don't know, I - Fuck! I'm going to Istanbul tomorrow.
I help all those homeless kittens find whiskers.
- Push it back.
- They got to be saved.
They got to be saved.
I'm so sorry, I can't.
Don't let it be over.
- But it's not over.
- It's not? No.
How about this? Why don't you just come to my suite tonight at L'Ermitage? - I-I-I don't know.
It's all moving so fast.
It's a safe space.
I promise you.
We'll just look at each other.
We'll laugh.
We'll talk about things.
I love to laugh.
This role is so you.
I mean, I can feel it in my heart.
And I know that Amelia Wha who's Amelia? Sister.
Sister, I'm sorry.
I'll remember.
My God, I can't believe it.
- What? - She's here right now.
She's saying yes.
Yes.
She's saying yes.
- Yes.
- Yeah! - Yes! - You said yes originally, and that's why I take money.
And he felt a little hard, by the way.
- I'm hard.
- So am I.
Doug, I will stab you in the face.
It's 5:00 in the fucking morning.
Listen to me, can I come in? - No! You can't come in.
- Okay.
Listen.
The 100 million that we couldn't find? - Yeah? - I found it.
It was in an offshore account.
He tried to bury it.
- What the fuck? - I almost missed it.
- Okay.
Yeah, w-wake up Clyde and Jeannie.
- Yeah, of course.
- Hey, Doug.
- Yeah? - Good job, man.
Okay.
Why the hell are we meeting out here? I love this arena.
Love, love, love it.
Don't you guys love this arena? - Unbelievable.
- Beautiful.
How much of your worth is here? I mean, just how leveraged are you? Well, with the divorce and everything, this is pretty much it.
Really? - Yeah.
I'm all-in.
Well, I just got off the phone with the commissioner's office, and they're about to step in and seize all of it.
Team, Husky-dawgs, t-shirts I've been over this with my lawyers, they can't seize all my assets it'd be great if you could take a really long look, 'cause it's happening today.
We read the order.
You'll actually be barred from the premises, so take one last look around.
And after we disclose the 100 million that you have sitting offshore, you actually will be broke and we got to disclose.
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about? Now, of course, if that money went back into the team She would get it all in the divorce.
I'd rather fucking burn the money than give it to that bitch.
The commissioner, when he asked me if I believed in God, which I thought was a strange question coming from a basketball commissioner, but then he went on to say, because it would take a miracle to stop this seizure from going down.
So let's give him a miracle.
You and Bridget are getting back together.
- Are you fucking crazy? - Hear me out.
Hear me out.
- It's a fake-onciliation.
- Fake-onciliation.
We're going to construct a public reconciliation between the two of you, but, privately, you will completely remain autonomous, personally, financially.
I have already spoken to Bridget.
She's very savvy, but she's willing, as long as the parameters are airtight.
We make the announcement in two hours.
Your legal department will draw up the temporary contracts.
Now, I suggest you two figure out something really nice to say to each other when the satellite trucks show up.
I'm pleased to announce that Bridget and I are remaining together - As co-owners of the Phoenix Huskies.
We would like to thank the fans - Yeah! - There it is.
Drink! Drink! Drink! Tiny bottles! Tiny bottles! And and we can now focus our attention on the upcoming season - So this job offer - Yeah, right.
What's up with that? You gonna take it? - It's project manager at Collins-Swain.
Should I? I don't know.
It's a nice title, but it's a very second-tier firm.
What's the money like? Double what I'm making.
Take it.
I was seriously considering it.
I honestly was, and then something very strange happened.
They withdrew the offer.
Marty.
- Did you kill it? - Did did you kill it, Marty? Jeannie, if you were me, how would you answer that question honestly? Yeah.
Why would I kill the offer? Because I value you and I want you to stay, right? So then why would I drive you away by turning around and admitting that I killed your more lucrative offer? That doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? - That's fucked up, Marty.
- Isn't it? The kid is nice, son! Just running around killing things? And you can talk to them while you do it.
Like that! Good shot.
That's terrible.
You should hear what he's saying.
Take the headset off.
Couldn't pay me to play that game.
Is somebody paying you to distract us? I'm out.
Lights out in ten, buddy.
- Good night, grandpa.
- Night, pops.
- Hey, dad, what's a Fudge-packer? A fud why are you asking me that? Well, Dylan Sanborn said at lunch that I was little Dylan Sanborn? Did that kid Ha! You're dead! I was just messing with you, dad.
- You little criminal.
- Thank you.
Did somebody really call you that? Roscoe?