How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s01e02 Episode Script

So, to recap I'm in love with my flatmate, but I never get a second alone with her.
Oh, that's not her.
Actually, who IS that? Morning.
Oh, yeah, I was feeling down about Abby, the girl of my dreams, having a boyfriend.
So I went out, got drunk and had sex with a stranger.
I dunno why, but I don't feel better.
Listen, I've got to dash, but I had a really good time last night.
We should do it again sometime.
What is your number? Er - Hm? Listen, um, I don't think I should give you my number.
Why? - Well I don't think I should give you my number, because you were shit in bed.
I work for the Government, so I can't have relationships.
Get out quick.
My number's cursed.
If you call it, you'll die.
Because I'm gay.
I mean, I wasn't before, but after last night definitely a gay man now! Because I'm in love with someone else.
You're in love with someone else? Sometimes the truth IS the best option.
Do you always cheat on your girlfriend? Oh, she's not my girlfriend.
But you're in love? Yeah.
I've been trying to get her to fall for me for weeks.
God! I know about that one.
My room-mate confessed to being madly in love with me the other week.
Did he? - SHE.
She?! Yeah.
I probably shouldn't have kissed her that night.
I just go a bit mental when I'm drunk.
Hey, maybe you should take my number.
I could pop round next week with a bottle of absinthe or Samuel Buca.
Yeah? - Yeah.
That'd be fun.
- Yes, it would.
When you leave, would you mind popping a sheet over your head? Every morning since I moved into my dead nan's house, I wake up to find Eddie in the kitchen.
That's him there, look.
He was my nan's carer.
But he still turns up to do errands, even though she's dead.
Donald Danbury, fancy a little drinklette? Coffee, tea, Tizer? - He's weird.
What sort of human likes doing things for others? So, drinklette? Why do you keep adding ''lette'' on the ends of words? It's just a thing I do.
Well, stop it.
It's annoying me.
Don't you like to have fun with words sometimes? No.
- Oh.
What do you call an omelette? An ''omelettelette''? Is this your way of asking me if I'll make you breakfast? Yeah.
- One omelettelette on its way! Oh, it's nice and quiet today, isn't it? I'm glad Cock-face ain't here.
Who? - Cock-face.
You know, Abby's boyfriend, Karl.
Don.
Wotcher, Karl.
- Feeling a bit stupid? Why? Oh, the cock-face thing? No, it's just a friendly nickname, you know? Like gibbon tits or vagina eyes or, um, twat.
It's just, you know, something I do.
So, Karl you're here again.
Abby never wants to come over to mine, so whenever I wanna see her, I have tocome here.
Oh, well, I have the perfect solution.
- What? Dump her.
That way you don't have to come here, and then everyone - and I mean everyone - is a winner! Cretin.
Dunno what she sees in you.
What she sees in me? Why, has she said something about me? Anyway, I'll be away this weekend, so you'll have the place to yourselves.
Ourselves? - Yeah.
You and your boyfriend.
He is not my boyfriend.
There you go, sexy pants.
He's never said that before.
There you go, sexy pants.
There you go, sexy pants.
There you go - sexy pants.
Right, are you nearly ready? Oh, hey, Don.
- Hey! Mmm, that looks tasty.
Yeah? You want some? - I'm fine, thanks.
Oh, go on, it's amazing.
Oops.
A little bit there.
You see.
The perfect couple.
Er, me and Abby, not him.
Er, babe.
Can I have a word? - Mmm.
Look, I can't keep coming over here.
It's him, I just can't abide him.
Well, let's not talk about this right now, thank you.
Sure you're OK with coming? - Of course.
Literally, I can't wait.
What are you two planning? We're taking my kids away for the weekend.
You've got kids? You never said.
- The kids I teach at school.
God, you're useless, Donald.
Just promise me that you're not going to be on your mobile phone the whole time we're there.
- I promise.
Look, they don't need me at the conference today, and I ran it past Suzy last night.
What? You're going as well? - He's a life-saver.
There's a dicky tummy bug going around - the teachers are dropping like flies.
I nearly had to cancel the trip.
Abby happens to think men who are good with kids are sexy, don't you, baby? Really?! - Well, a bit, yeah.
Er, I'm just gonnago.
Have you got everything that you need? Yeah, I've got three pairs of pants and I've brought my trunks.
Once we hit the road, I'll turn it off.
I promise.
Karl Menford speaking! Karl, it's Suzy.
- Oh, hi, Suzy.
Hello.
- God, you sound awful.
I've got a dicky tummy bug.
- A dicky tummy bug? You've got to come in to work.
- What? I'm sorry, yes.
- But I thought you said it would be OK.
It'll be fine.
- Sorry to break it to you.
I'm afraid that means you're going to have to come to the conference.
There's no way out of it.
Hang on.
Get lost.
Also, your dad said that if you don't come to the conference, he'll bite your balls off! He said that? - I'm sorry, yes.
Right, OK.
Yep, yep, yep.
Bye.
What's going down? What's going down? Darling We're meant to be leaving in an hour.
How can I find somebody else to come? Hmm.
- They do need me there today.
I have to.
My dad said he'd bite my balls off if I didn't show I'll come.
- I don't think so.
They need a RESPONSIBLE adult.
Oh, you! But it's looking after kids.
- Hey, I love kids.
Really? - Yeah! Kids.
Mmm! I just love their innocence.
Their thick little minds, so easily influenced.
Sometimes, if I'm walking past a school playground, I'll just stop and watch them play.
Careful.
You can be put on a list for that.
Bite me.
So, what do you reckon? Great, it's agreed, I'm coming with! I'll just get dressed.
I'll be honest.
I hate kids.
But this was the only way I could be with Abby without Cock-face there.
Why don't you introduce yourself? How hard can it be? You've just got to speak to children on their level without patronizing them.
Right, shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up! Right, A - less of the Mr Danbury bull crap.
You can all call me Don.
Or the Double D.
And two - keep the noise down.
See, I went out last night and I got absolutely shit-faced.
It was a really good night, actually.
I got out of it, but now I've got a headache, I feel like puking up my innards, I really wanna just quite frankly kill myself, and your noise ISN'T HELPING.
So be good little midgets and shush your mouths.
Good.
Wow! You got them to be quiet.
You're a natural-born teacher.
Well, you know.
When you're ready, driver.
So after two hours of throwing up my innards, we got to the campsite, and it dawned on me me what we were doing.
I've never been one for the outdoors and nature.
Oh, bollocks! Cocking bollocks! Um, Don.
What? - Remember, there are children here, yeah? Oh, yeah.
Oi, you, you little shit.
Help me erect my tent.
Don! - What? There are certain words you cannot use in front of the kids.
''Erect''? Yeah, that's probably a bit iffy nowadays.
No, I mean the swearing.
I haven't been swearing.
That is This is so knackering.
Shall we just off to a hotel? Argh! Hmm, sorry, I didn't realise I was doing it.
Never mind, but no more from now on, yeah? OK.
We're gonna go on a walk soon.
Do you think you'll be ready? Yeah, course.
Shouldn't take long to put up, should it? And so I spent the afternoon with the kids.
I won them over by pretending to fall over.
Honestly, I WAS pretending.
I was like the teacher they never had.
They respected me as an authority figure.
And I made them laugh.
Help me! Help! Well, kind of.
Then that night, I finally got Abby on her own.
This was my chance to charm her, tell her romantic tales.
When the lights came back on, I realised it was my nan's batty I'd been groping.
It was so embarrassing! Don? - Mmm? Oh, I dunno.
Nothing.
Don't worry.
- No, what? You'll get offended.
- No, I won't.
Promise? - I promise.
Why do you act like a prick? What?! - See, you're offended.
What do you expect?! You called me a prick! No, I said you act like a prick.
There is a difference.
You know, I think I'm the only person that gets to see the real you.
All right, why are YOU with Karl? What has that got to do with it? - It's got nothing to do with anything, but I just wanna know, you know? You two are so different, it's weird.
Mr Danbury, I can't sleep.
Oi, midget, get lost - we're talking here.
Don! What's up, Sammy? I need to do a poo.
- Eurgh! I want the Double D to take me.
You don't mind, do you? - No way, Josie.
I think the poo's starting to come out! All right! I'm coming.
Come on.
Right, I can't be arsed to try and find the toilet - this tree'll do.
Go on, do your bum rubbish.
- What? Deposit some ass trash.
Quicker! You owe me big time, Sammy.
I was finally getting somewhere with Abby.
Who's Abby? - Miss Jones to you.
Is she your girlfriend, sir? - I wish! I wish she was my girlfriend too.
Oi! I saw her first.
You keep away.
This was a good idea coming on this trip, showing her I'm good with kids.
Sir.
There's no - Shut up, I'm thinking aloud.
But - Shut up! Yeah.
You see, I listen to my balls, Sammy.
And my balls never let me down.
They said, ''Don, you must get rid of Karl, take his place on this trip, ''and Abby will be yours for ever.
'' Clever balls.
Sir! - What? There's no toilet paper.
- Haven't you got a napkin or something? No.
- Well, then, just use one of your socks.
Oh, OK.
Hey! We're back.
- Hey! Hey, Don.
What's upKarl? Wow, what apleasant surprise.
I can't believe he just showed up.
Neither could I.
What will you do about tomorrow? It's all right, babe.
I just told my dad I can't always be a slave to the company.
There's a girl in my life who I happen to love very much.
And SHEis more important.
What a cock-face! - Oh, you got that right.
Well, let's get stuck in.
Surely.
What can I do? - Here, catch this.
What's this? - It's Sammy's sock, it needs cleaning.
How's hegetting on with the kids? Good, I think.
- Right, I'm going to take Sammy to bed.
Come on.
Eurgh! I'm gonna hit the hay.
Are you coming? - No Yeah.
I'll be in there in just a sec.
Night, Sammy.
- Night, Double D! 'Ey up.
I went in to work earlier, and there was Suzy all perky and healthy.
Funny that, eh? Well, not laugh-out-loud funny.
I certainly wouldn't use it in an after-dinner speech.
And so I came to the conclusion someone must've hoaxed the call.
I wonder why would someone do that.
What? - I'm going to bed with my girlfriend.
Night, Don.
I couldn't believe Cock-face was there.
Just as I was finally making progress with Abby.
Just as I was finally making progress with Abby.
All right, she called me a prick, but I knew what she was really getting at.
And I had to sleep on my own in a tent with strange noises outside.
I'm from the city.
I'm used to the comforting sounds of car alarms and people screaming, ''Help!'' Abby? Abby?! Yeah? It's Don.
Don Danbury! - Hi, Don.
This might seem weird, but can I come in there and sleep with you? What? For Peter's sake! Ssh! Good one, Don.
I'll see you in the morning.
He cracks me up.
No, no, no, I'm being serious.
It's just I keep hearing noises.
Don't worry about it, it's just nature.
I'm worried nature might climb into my tent and rape me.
Don, don't be a big! I'll deal with this, Karl.
I don't think it's a good idea.
Yeah, it is.
It's a great idea.
- Go away, Don! You'll be fine, Don.
I'll see you in the morning.
Bright and early.
Night! - Night.
After a weird dream where I was the ringmaster of a midget show, I woke up to the sight of midgets.
- Morning.
Morning, Double D.
- Hey! Ah, I think Sammy's taken a real shine to you.
Yeah? Yeah, you're becoming a bit of an influence on him.
You should always listen to your balls.
- That's disgusting! Yeah, I think you're really rubbing off on him.
Please.
Don't ever say I'm rubbing off on one of the kids.
Makes me feel uneasy.
Sowhat's on the agenda today, Mrs Jones? I thought we'd all go on a scavenger hunt.
Sounds fun.
- Yeah, you must've misheard her.
She said scavenger hunt.
Yeah, I love stuff like that.
I was a sixer in the Scouts.
Don't worry, we won't be out there for long.
I'm white-hot at this kind of thing.
What? It's just picking up twigs.
You don't have to be Christopher Columbia.
Oh, think it's easy, do you? - Yes, I do.
Easy and boring.
Well, then, how about we make it interesting? OK, should we do it on mushrooms? - I'm talking about a little wager.
Oh, yeah? - Yes.
Right, kids, we're going to split up into two teams.
The winning team doesn't have to cook, or wash up.
Now, who's with me? Karl, what's going on? - It's all right, babe.
I'm not sure this is a good idea.
- Competition is healthy.
Who wants to be on my team? - Me, me! That is a lot of pressure you're putting on Don, making him go alone with them.
Look, it's only for a couple of hours.
Trust me, babe.
It'll be fun.
Right, what sort of stuff do we do on this scavenger thingy? Hey.
How was it? - Great fun! Yeah? - My feet hurt.
It was hard work.
- No pain, no gain, kiddies.
Karl, you've pushed them too hard.
- No, just enough to succeed.
Any sign of Don yet? - No, not yet.
Yes! Kiss my arse! I knew we'd shit in his face! Karl! Sorry.
Sorry, kids.
Come on.
I shouldn't have let you talk me into this.
Oh, God.
What was I thinking? Please, let them be OK.
Please! Look, stop panicking, babe.
They'll be fine! Oh, God.
OK, kids, I'm gonna level with you - we're lost.
We're lost in the middle of nowhere, in the dark, with no provisions, and it's not looking good.
What's going to happen to us, sir? OK, I'm gonna tell you the truth, cos I think you're old enough for it.
I think you might all die.
You're just acting like a little girl.
- Well, so are you.
That's cos I am one.
- ''That's because I am one''! Oh, God! I'm cold.
I'm cold, are you cold? Are you cold? I'm cold, it's so scary.
Oh, Abby's gonna kill me.
That's if we don't get killed by something else first.
Oh, God, help! Now, just wanna clarify one thing - I wasn't actually that scared.
I wasn't, it was reverse psychology.
Look at them, they're calm.
Had I been calm they'd be freaking out, losing their minds, maybe even eating their own bum rubbish.
This isn't how I pictured my death, with a group of midgets.
God, I always thought I'd die in the arms of a beautiful prostitute at the age of 1 20.
Me, not the beautiful prostitute.
Only in the future, of course, they'd have android escorts, prostidroids, ho-bots.
Sir, sir.
Look! - What is it, boy? Lights.
We're saved.
Quick, come on, children, run.
Run like the wind! Oh, my God, it's a pub, we're saved! Come on, hurry up, come on, it's cold, hurry up! Sorry, mister.
No children allowed.
I don't believe it, they don't let kids in.
Come on, you lot wait outside.
Come on.
I'll only have a couple.
Don't worry.
Come on.
Pint of your best, please, gorgeous.
Cor, it's cold out there, innit?! I hope you don't mind me asking.
What's a man of your age doing with all them kids? Bit suspect, isn't it? - Well I collect rare kids.
It's a kind of hobby of mine.
Well, more a passion.
They're not kids.
They're adults.
They suffer from that ageing disease, like Gary Coleman.
''What you talking about, Willis?'' Yeah, I'm a child catcher, yeah.
They actually exist.
They're my children, what can I say, I just can't keep it in my pants.
They're all your kids? Mm-hm.
Yep, that one there, that's Sammy.
The one next to him, that's Suki, and the big one, that's Ting Tang.
Look, the landlord's not in tonight.
Seems a bit harsh to make them wait outside.
Aw, thanks, barmaid.
Right, what do you want? I don't trust him.
And why you're always sticking up for him, I'll never know.
Anyone would think What? Anyone would think what? He may not have his life all figured out like you, Karl, but he has been lovely this weekend.
You had to go and push him, didn't you? They're gonna be fine, I'm sure they're gonna be fine.
So, this little fella is Sam Buca.
Sir Samuel of Buca.
Mr Buca to you lot.
OK, we ready? After three - one, two, three.
Go! OK.
So what have we learnt this evening, children? Sammy? We learned that white wine isn't actually white.
It's more a greeny colour.
Brilliant! Whitenot green.
Excellent.
Anyone else? Yes? Thingy.
I think we should be getting back to camp, sir.
''Getting back to the camp now, sir''! Boring! But Mrs Jones might be worried.
All right, maybe you've got a point.
One more before we hit the road, though? Yeah! Whose round is it? I can't get a bloody signal out here! What's that? - Eh? I can hear something.
# Dur-dur-dur Come on and do the conga! # I want everyone in bed immediately! Now! I got the sneaking suspicion Abby was a bit cross.
Is it wrong that I found that sexy? I really want a kebab.
I love you, miss.
Go to bed, Sammy.
What were you thinking? And you.
What? Why me? Just go to bed, Karl.
I want a word with you.
- Fancy a bean? Are you drunk? A little bit.
Where the hell have you been, Don? I've been freaking out.
Properly freaking out.
I thought you might've been.
So I left the pub when I did.
Thoughtful.
Not at all prickish.
You went to the pub? That's where you've been all this time? We got lost.
Your map was very confusing.
Ow, ow, ow! I can't believe you took my kids drinking.
I wouldn't call it drinking.
We just had four or five shots.
In fact, some of them puked theirs right back out, so technically none.
Well, except the fat kid.
Whoo, she can knock 'em back! Don't you get it? I could lose my job over this.
Sorry, I just wanted to show you that I'm good with children.
Don't.
It's my own fault.
How did I get it so wrong? So I'm back whete I started.
I'm nowhere closer to winning over Abby, I've got a monster hangover and Eddie's in my house.
Ow, ow, ow! I don't know why you drink so much.
- Because it's fun.
Fun? You don't know the effects of alcohol.
Yeah, I do.
It makes you think you're always right, it makes other people far more attractive, and it makes food that you wouldn't normally touch taste amazing.
Correct? Enter.
I made a huge mistake this weekend.
Oh, don't be silly.
You were great.
I mean with you.
I should never have let you come.
Oh, you know I'm sorry, right? - You're one jammy sod, Donald.
How do you mean? It turns out the kids had a blast on the field trip and want you to come on all of them.
Yeah? Cool, count me in.
I'm there! You're never coming on one again, mister! Oh, right.
Anyway, I know your heart was in the right place.
Bed bath?