How to Be a Gentleman (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Previously on How to be a Gentleman.
Your "How to be a Gentleman" is just too tame.
I feel like my whole world is falling apart.
Oh, that's cause it is.
- Excuse me, Andrew Carlson? - Yeah.
Dead arm! Bert Lansing from high school! Me and my buddies used to dead arm you all the time.
You don't remember me? This is my gym.
Bert's Body Shop.
See, I got a whole philosophy.
I'm into the whole Asian thing of mind, body and spirit.
(slurring): No one cares about being a gentleman anymore.
You know everything about being a gentleman, but nothing about being a man.
I always feel safe around Andrew.
I kill many of her bugs.
You should be taking off many of her pants.
You need to ask her out.
I can't believe she said yes.
I'd like to become an official member of Bert's Body Shop.
Actually, proper gym etiquette mandates that you need to re (groans) Dead arm! What was that? You were being you.
We'll fix that.
Come on.
ANDREW: For a gentleman, early morning is a time for quiet reflection, a stress-free moment to ease into the (pounding on door) BERT: Yo, Andrew, open up, it's go time.
Bert? What are you doing here? You hired me to be your trainer.
It's time to start training.
But we worked out yesterday.
Look, I don't want to get too big.
I think we're good.
Besides, you didn't just hire me to get your body in shape.
You hired me to get your whole life in shape.
That means I got to be with you 24-7.
Well, you can't be with me 24-7.
That would mean you'd have to move in.
Bingo.
A guest bedroom is preferable, but, hey, I could crash on the couch.
H-Hold on, you're not moving in.
I didn't hire you for that.
Don't act so shocked.
We talked about this.
I said, "If you want me to get you in shape, I got to move in.
" You said, "I'm totally cool with that, bro.
" I never said that.
Trust me, this is the only way to fix you.
I just think it is weird to have my trainer live with me.
I'm not just your trainer, I'm your friend.
We go all the way back to high school.
Where you used to beat me up.
(laughing) I'm glad we can laugh about that now.
Uh, could you not disrupt that, please? I've got everything organized by expiration date.
This job's gonna be a little harder than I thought.
What is your job exactly? My job is to tear you down and build you back up brick by freckly brick.
I'm gonna change the way you think, the way you act, the way you dress.
What's wrong with the way I dress? Nothing.
Has the captain turned off the seat belt sign yet? Am I free to move about the cabin? You're certainly free to leave.
The exits are here and here.
Yeah, a little backbone, I like that.
This might not take as long as I thought.
And how long is that? I don't know, maybe six weeks.
Six weeks? Okay, I don't think I need that level of attention.
How many women have you had sex with in the past year? Six weeks sounds fine.
RT: Come on, lock it out, lock it out.
All right, eye of the tiger, baby.
Whew.
I feel good.
Hey, check it out, my first vein.
That's a pen mark.
Oh, yeah, crossword accident.
Now, don't feel bad, you're doing great.
I've got your picture up on the wall.
- You do? Yeah, - You're like a celebrity around here.
I'm a before? You're going to be my finest achievement.
If I can fix you, I can fix anyone.
It's going to be like turning a baby bird into Vin Diesel.
Wonderful, am I done? No, n-n-no, we got another set.
We got to get ur arms pumped for tonight.
We're going to a bar to hit on women.
No, I do not go out on work nights.
That's one of my rules.
Well, that's a rule you got to change.
Well, I would, but I have a rule about not changing rules, so I win.
- Tell that to your arm.
- Huh? Oh! Dead arm.
I win.
Hey, Andrew.
Aah! Jerry, what are you doing in my office? You're hiding from Cody again, aren't you? I am.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
Why would a 50-year-old man be hiding from his new 25-year-old boss? Two words: lunch jogs.
I don't like jogging.
I like eating.
You're the editor of the magazine, Jerry.
If you don't want to go, just tell him.
Whoa, what happened to my chair? Cody wants the offices to feel younger and hipper, you know, to reflect the new direction of the magazine, so he got everybody a new chair.
This isn't a chair, Jerry, this is a ball.
I thought it was a ball, too.
Then Cody clarified for me that it is a chair.
He's great at making me change the way I see things, like yesterday when I told him I liked your article, he made me see that I didn't.
He wants it to be sexier.
But it's all about how the brain is the ultimate erogenous zone.
It is smart and sexy.
The brain is not sexy.
No guy ever pleasured himself to a picture of the brain.
Our readers are now dudes dudes who like beer and sex and Hitting on women at bars on a work night? Yeah, that sounds about right.
Not that I'd know personally, of course.
I'm outside the demographic.
(chuckling): I'm irrelevant.
I think it's great that you're going out on a weeknight, Andrew.
That's very unlike you.
It's fun.
Mike, it's not a big deal.
Oh, hi, honey, what's not a big deal? Oh, I'm getting deported.
What? You are? Would you stop saying that? We have our green card interview tomorrow to prove we're married and Mike is freaking out.
Well, how could I not be, Janet? We've got to go down to the Department of Homeland Security.
Those guys are tough.
They're the best there is.
Nothing gets past those guys.
It's going to be fine, honey.
We just show them a few documents and bills.
Once they get a look at us, they're going to be like, "What? Those two are so married, it's gross.
" Well, I hope you're right, I hope they are grossed out by our love.
Oh, I'm sure they will be.
Relax, we've been married a year.
It's just an interview.
Actually, my friends Ulrich and Mary just went through this, and it's more of a test than it is an interview.
Ironically, Mary is from Sweden and Ulrich is from New Jersey.
It's a test? Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, what's uh-oh? Janet's never been a strong test taker.
It embarrassed me as a teacher, but I never loved her any less.
I freaking hate tests.
They make me nervous.
My mind goes blank and I can barely speak.
You know, I'll tell you what.
I-I am an expert at helping people get ready for tests.
How about I give you a practice quiz, and then that way you'll feel prepared? That's a great idea, Diane.
Yeah? I'm gonna miss you the most.
Blonde is cute, right? Yeah, she's pretty.
Yeah, you like her? You want to be with her physically? Ask her out.
What are you, her pimp? No, it's, it's tacky hitting on women at a bar.
Besides, I don't think I'm going to really meet the future Mrs.
Carlson here.
You got to stop thinking about meeting your wife.
For all you know, she isn't even born yet.
That's disturbing.
You just got out of a long-term relationship.
My goal is to get you to hook up with as many women as humanly possible.
Oh, I like that goal, we have the same goal.
How do we do that? You get rejected by every woman in here.
Feel like we just lost our shared goal.
You need to get over your fear of rejection.
What makes you think I have a fear of rejection? I don't know, maybe 'cause your ex-fiancée dumped you, ripped your heart out, and left you doubting your manhood on a level so primal you can't even see it.
Yeah, sure, fine.
So how do I do that? You need to get shot down like a skeet so many times that you become totally fearless.
And then the sex things with all the women? Exactly.
All right I'm gonna start you off with an easy no the hot bartender.
She's heard every line there is.
She's the Mount Everest of babes tall, cold, and almost impossible to climb.
Get out there and make an ass out of yourself.
Shouldn't be hard.
Okay, Mike, next question.
Where does your spouse currently work? She works at the Chicago Technology and Science Museum.
In fact, we both do.
She's in administration and I'm the head tour guide.
Janet, your turn, okay.
What is your spouse's hometown? (trailing off): Mike is from a small town Pardon? (trailing off): It's kind of in the middle.
That's just weird.
It's like someone's fading you out.
I know, I'm sorry, I told you I'm bad at tests.
I freeze up, it's the pressure.
Plus, your town has a really weird name.
No, it doesn't.
Otorohanga that's not weird.
Chicago that's a weird name.
Who's every heard of a Chicago? I'll have one of those, thanks.
What is it? Okay, just give me another one.
Here's an easy one.
What how about, wha-what, what is your spouse's mother's maiden name? (trailing off): Her name sounds like a bird and yeah.
Turn up the volume, honey.
My mother's maiden name is Just say the first thing that comes to your mind.
Otorohanga? Oh, ridiculous.
ANDREW: Sometimes a gentleman must look fear square in its face, no matter how attractive that face may be.
And sometimes he must wait in line.
(indistinct chatter) (gasps) Oh.
Drop something? Wow, thanks.
(laughs) Sorry, I couldn't save the napkin.
(laughs) Do I know you from somewhere? Come on, you can come up with a better line than that.
Oh, no, I'm no I'm not hitting on you.
I'm actually in line to get rejected by the bartender.
Wait, do you play for the symphony orchestra? Uh, yeah.
You go to the symphony? Do I go to the symphony? Hello, I'm a season ticket holder.
Row K, seat five, obstructed view that's me.
I recognize you.
You do, really? No, I'm kind of busy up there.
Ah, right.
I'm Andrew, by the way.
Oh, I'm, I'm Thea.
May I buy you a drink? And, yes, that is the best line I can come up with.
Look, I could stand here and try and get your number with some cheesy line, but the truth is, I'm a senator and I'm not going to stoop to that level.
Well, maybe you don't have to.
Oh, it's always nice to meet one of my constituents.
I look forward to poling you in the near future.
She said yes.
Who, the bartender? No, a different girl her name's Thea.
I asked her if I could buy her a drink, and she said yes.
I wasn't expecting a yes.
It's possible she's an escort.
She's not an escort.
She's a cellist.
She invited me back to her place to see her cello.
Nice.
No, it it's an actual cello.
Nice.
Bert, it is a musical instru Never mind.
Point is, your plan is working.
No, no, my plan was to get you a bunch of no's.
Well, now I'm gonna go back to her place, look at her cello and maybe see her naked.
This is much better than your plan.
Look, I'm happy for you.
I just want you to know what you're getting into.
I know exactly what I'm getting into.
That's why I'm so excited.
What I meant was, this is just a bar pick-up.
- Mm-hmm.
- Treat it like a bank heist.
Get in, get out, but don't get caught on tape.
Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right Calm down.
You're shaking like a Chihuahua.
Look I'm fine.
Can I please go now and see this very attractive woman's cello? Just remember don't get too attached.
Please, give me a little credit.
Guess who's having little baby cellists some day?! Son of a bitch! ANDREW: Bert, it was incredible.
I want to call her right now.
Okay, okay, calm down, calm down.
Walk me through the night.
I take it you slept with her? A gentleman does not kiss and sex.
We had sex.
And I thought of you.
Well, not in the moment, but afterwards, I thought, "I need to buy Bert a really nice thank you gift for this.
" It feels so good to be back in a relationship.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, hold on.
This is a classic rookie mistake for someone who just had their first one-night stand.
Ah, how do you know it's my first one-night stand? Because you look like you're about to break into song.
And what if I were? I'm sorry.
I just had to get that out of my system.
This is why you hired me, to talk you down.
I don't need to be talked down.
I have real feelings for this girl.
Feelings that make me wish I had a piano.
Those aren't feelings.
They're hormones.
Bert, you don't know what we had.
She may be the one.
No, the one is not a girl you sleep with an hour after meeting her in a bar.
That's the one-of-many.
You are this close to not getting an invitation to the rehearsal dinner.
Okay, it's not your fault.
That's what happens when you don't see a girl naked in a year and a half.
Wait 72 hours before you contact her again.
Why 72 hours? It's like the waiting period when you buy a gun.
Your mind needs to do a background check on your penis.
And if I still feel this way, I can call her? Absolutely.
I'll throw you an engagement party.
Fine.
I can wait three days.
It's gonna be tougher than you think.
It's gonna be like a withdrawal period.
You have no idea how strong I am.
So strong.
I'm gonna go work in my room.
Hey, uh, I just remembered I told Thea I'd text her when I got home.
I don't want her to worry, so if I can get her card Nope.
Cool, cool.
Just throwing it out there.
(Bert sighs) Hey uh, I just remembered I thought I detected carbon monoxide last night in Thea's apartment.
Sort of the silent killer.
So I was just wondering if I could get her number - Nope.
- Cool.
It's all good.
(whispers): Bert? Bert? Listen, uh, I just got an e-mail I'm supposed to forward to ten people, and I'd really hate to break the chain, because a girl in Ghana didn't forward it, and she fell into a well.
So if I could just grab the card Go to bed.
Yeah.
Totally cool.
Good morning.
Good morning.
You sound better.
Well, I feel better.
It was a rough 24 hours, but you were right.
I needed to detox from that girl.
I got a little crazy there.
But it was just a one-night stand, and I see that now.
Hey, I'm proud of you, dude.
Thanks.
I'm proud of me, too.
Hey, I'm glad you were here for me.
- I'm gonna take out the trash.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Let me just toss out this banana peel.
Oh, okay, no, just give it to me.
No, no, I'll just throw it in the bag.
I don't want to be a bother.
No, no, no, no bother at all.
Just put it in my hand.
I don't want to put it in your hand.
Open the bag.
No.
No.
Ah! Oh, my God! Who threw away my blazer and wine? You son of a bitch! You're going to see her again! Yes, I am! I'm a grown man, and you can't stop me from leaving my own place.
I will if I have to.
No, you won't because I Did you just slap me? I'm just keeping you from making a bad decision.
It's not a bad decision.
You're stopping me from seeing a woman I had a wonderful time with.
I'm doing what's best for you.
Are you? I think you're just doing what's best for you.
- What do you mean? - Oh, if I get into a relationship, maybe I don't need my trainer sleeping on my couch, telling me what to do all the time.
Look, I'm saying this not as your trainer, but as your friend.
If you go in there, guns blazing, you're gonna get hurt.
Why do you keep saying that you're my friend? You were my bully from high school.
We weren't friends then, and we're not friends now.
Oh.
Okay.
I guess I misjudged it.
Bert, wait.
What are you doing? I'm leaving.
Come on, Bert, stop.
Seriously, that's my stuff you're packing.
And-And that's my bag.
Whatever.
I'm out of here.
Good luck with the cello children.
Okay, you all right? Just remember: I grew up on a farm in Otorohanga, my father is a sheep-shearer, my mother a simple river lawyer.
And my favorite sheep's named is Olivia Newton-John.
You got it? I think so.
I've got absolute faith in you.
Thank you.
The luggage sends a bit of a mixed message, though.
I'm Officer Simms.
How you folks doing? Oh, God.
Great.
Raise your right hands.
Do you both swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God? I do.
I do.
To the best of my memory.
So, ma'am, where did your husband go to college? The university system in New Zealand is really quite different than I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Oh, I heard that.
Yeah, the Auckland University of Technology.
Well done, honey.
She has to answer the question, yup.
Could we take a moment, please? Not you and I.
That'd be weird.
I mean, me and the wife.
Okay, but make it quick.
Thank you.
Yeah.
What's going on, Janet? I'm sorry.
I'm really trying.
Well, you better try harder.
Otherwise, in 24 hours, I'll be home shaving Olivia Newton-John.
Don't be mad at me.
You know I'm bad at tests.
You should know these things like my mother's maiden name, or that I'm allergic to eggplant, or that we met in the cafeteria at work.
We didn't meet in the cafeteria at work.
What? Do you even know who I am? Yes, I do.
We met at the atomic science exhibit.
You had just started working at the museum, and you were giving a tour.
An ion has either a positive or a negative electrical charge.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh! That's all right.
Well, look at that, folks.
We were like two ions colliding there.
Definitely got a positive charge off that one.
(imitates zapping) Whoa! I can't remember everything about your weird town or your weird parents, but I'll never forget the day we met.
That is so sweet.
You're the best wife.
You two are so married, it's gross.
Hey.
Andrew, what-what are you doing here? Picking up where we left off? Hey, Bert, got a second? We're not open yet.
I-I just came by to say you were right.
Things didn't work out with me and Thea.
Turns out I was just another conquest of a promiscuous world-class cellist, trolling for one-night stands in a bar.
I tried telling you that.
I know.
You were looking out for me.
And, uh, I'm lucky to have a friend like you.
No, you were right.
We're not friends.
I could go back to being your trainer, you could come in twice a week, well, maybe three times.
If that's how you feel, I guess I can accept that.
Why is there a sleeping bag on the floor? Are you living here? Yeah.
I gave up my apartment a while back so I could put all my money into the gym.
Because I believe in myself.
Even if you and my dad and three credit card companies don't.
Well, I'm sure you're cool living here, but if you ever feel like downsizing you can stay with me for a while.
You son of a bitch! What? What I'd do? You're just so damn thoughtful.
You were dead to me two seconds ago, and then you rise up like a phoenix! That's what I do.
So what do you say? You want to come back and put me on the Bert Plan? Okay, but it's just a temporary situation.
I'm only gonna stay there as long it takes to remove your head from your ass.
Yes, I'd like to cancel my subscription to the symphony please.
No, I did not know there was a Schumann Summer Series.
Who's conducting? All right, maybe I'll stick it out one more season.
Thank you.
"The Gentleman and the Two Night Stand.
" I like it.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, check this out! I think I've finally mastered these chairs.
Oh, no, I didn't.