Hullraisers (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Craig, just rip it off.
Over my dead body, it's Blue
Harbour.
Please just rip it off.
Thank you.
Have you been eating Frazzles?
Don't you like it?
I'm more of a cheesy Quaver guy.
Please stop talking
and just put your di Mum!
See what happens when we waste time?
OK. Come on, sausage.
♫ Give me strength, give me love
♫ Give me good times, baby
♫ Oh, yeah. All right, all right,
all right. ♫
Craig. Craig.
Craig. Mm. Craig.
I've been gone five seconds, have
you got narcolepsy?
I'm sorry, baby. Do you want to use
my hands instead?
OK.
Mm.
Oh, for keep it.
What the
Whoa. Fuck. Fuck!
Stop it. Shit!
What's going on? What's going on?
I needed a wash, Craig.
I needed a really good wash.
♫ Give me strength, give me love. ♫
Ta.
Are they from Adil? Yeah.
He texted about tonight. It's going
to be like old times now he's back.
It's been five years. What are these
about?
What's it say? "Looking forward to
dinner tonight.
"PS, you should see what I'm driving
these days."
Forget about the car. Dinner!
Our nights out with you two were
epic.
No-one orders for the table like
Adil.
Do you think he wants to rekindle
things? Support's out of session.
Mm-hm. And can you confirm or deny an
interest in your reunion?
Out of my friends with benefits, he
was in the top five. Top five.
Anyway, what you up to? Just chucking
out my knickers with cartoon characters on.
Morning.
Bloody hell.
Hey, hey. I'm Toni, nice to meet
you. Solid arms.
He's currently number one. I can see
why.
Oh, come on!
You and I lead very different lives,
Rana.
SHE EXHALES DEEPLY
Right.
We on for town later? Go on, then.
Tuesday? Parents evening.
Craig, you're a teaching assistant,
do they care what you think?
No, I'm just there as muscle in case
the parents kick off.
Right, Wednesday then? Band meeting.
I'm got to confront Graham about his
indulgent solos.
They're doing my head in.
Tonight's free? No, we're going out
with Adil tonight.
Afterwards when you have five
minutes? Five minutes. Craig.
You know how to turn me on.
It's not sexy though, is it?
Scheduling it like this.
We're taking charge of the
situation, which is sexy.
Which is why I'm going to ring the
plumber about the shower. Don't do that.
That'll cost loads. I'll fix it. How
hard can it be? How hard.
Just strap another sponge to it, job
done.
Yeah. Sorted.
I need something to get Craig going.
To keep him awake.
Nicely priced and flimsy. Good for
ripping off.
Yeah, these are what you want.
You've got to reinvent yourself when
you've had a kid.
Me and Dane didn't have any for
15-and-a-half days when Jake was born.
Sorry, you had sex '5 days after
you gave birth? Yeah.
Christ alive. I'd be humping
furniture after two weeks without.
I tell you what your brother likes.
Don't tell us what Dane likes, Paula.
I bought a pink wig. I make out I'm
a stripper, she's called Marcella.
Just getting that wig out the bin
bag drives him wild.
Oh. Actually, no, rustling any bin
bag does it to him now.
He's like one of those dogs with a
bell.
Roleplay, Tone. you've got to keep
things spicy.
Ooh, roleplay though. I could use my
acting skills.
Sure, yeah. You could use those
skills.
No return on this. You and I both
know where that gusset's going.
Mam, can I buy this? No.
They're for slags with no self
respect.
I hate you. Oh good. I thrive off
your hate.
Auntie Toni's buying one, why can't
I?
Because she told you so.
Now put it back.
Bloody hell.
That was magic.
The kindest hand is a firm hand,
petal.
Remember, you're the boss.
Yeah. I'm the boss.
What was that again? Because I told
you so.
THEY COPY HER
Because I told you so.
Won't be much longer, nan.
Did Rana tell you that Adil's back?
Oh, I'm across that, love. He sent
me a very courteous WhatsApp
this very morning inviting me to the
get together tonight.
Can I come too? No, you're
baby-sitting Grace and Jake.
Adil's been viewing houses, very
large houses with walk-in closet.
How do you know that? Oh, contacts,
love.
He were in Leeds on Wednesday in a
jewellers.
You've got contacts in Leeds? Oh,
I'm global, Paula.
I think he's going to pop the question,
innit? No, Rana's not the committing type.
She might be the marrying a
millionaire type though.
Guess we'll find out at the meal.
If Rana marries Adz, can I get a
Rihanna bra and knickers?
No, you bloody can't. Why not?
Because I said so.
OK, mam. Seeing as you said so.
You look sensational. You look
loaded.
Come here.
Adz! Oi, oi! Look who's in the
building.
Really suits you, mate. Hello, hiya,
you all right?
Dubai's got nothing on you. Lovely
to see you.
You smell amazing. We're going to be
noisy and messy, I'm afraid.
But, we'll tip accordingly.
Right, I'm taking me bra off, make
some room.
It's going to be a big night, you
beauties.
Get it off!
I'm going to get some champagne.
Right.
Oh, yeah. Champagne. I'm telling
you, proposal incoming.
Don't be daft, mam. If he was going
to ask, I'd have known by now.
Don't hurt to have the answer ready.
Just in case he pops the question.
It's not for you to know that.
Keep schtum.
Yeah, Dane. I mean it, zip it.
If you don't want him, I do.
Dane.
Adz, welcome back, brother.
Cheers, man. Craig's five-a-side is a
man down and Adz stepped in for tomorrow.
We'll support him cos we're family.
Adz. I've been on that team five
years, not once have you watched me.
Boohoo, Craig. Isn't he sensitive,
our Craig?
Thanks, gaffer. Give it here.
I've got something I want to ask
you.
Can we talk tomorrow, after the
game?
ALL SHOUT "YES"
I think that's a yes.
Ash, we're back. God.
Did you bring me a doggy bag?
Yeah, but I ate it in the car.
Big mistake.
Your shower's broke, auntie Toni.
Yeah, I'm aware of that, Ashley.
Thank you.
You've had a shower?
Did he just fucking wink at me?
Oh.
Oh, God. Is he taking a vow of
silence or what?
Oh.
Remember when we used to have sex in
the shower? Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Wait, wait, wait. Oh, God.
Just give it five minutes, I need to
let these dough balls move through.
Oh. I did warn you about those
bloody dough balls.
OK, again.
No, no. Tell you what, right.
We'll do it doggy style. You can shank
my shorts down, but don't touch my belly.
Don't touch my belly, cos I don't
know.
Right, ready.
Mmm. I think I'm going to be sick.
No, no, no.
Yep, I'm good. I'm open for
business.
Go, go, go.
I think the moment's passed, Tone.
What?
Adz, Adz, yes. Come on.
Go on, Adz!
Adz, Adz, Adz, Adz, Adz!
Go on, lad! Shoot. Shoot!
You know, I'm seeing Adil in a
whole new light.
Specifically the light reflection
off that Lambo. Mm.
I've known Adz since he were little and
you know he is just good enough for you.
If you want him. You're magic, you,
mam.
Give me touch. Hey. Mad love for my
princess.
Go on, lad. Go get 'em.
You'd suit a super chiselled piece
of man candy.
The ultimate accessory.
There's one important unanswered
question though.
What's that, mam? What's he like
under that shirt?
It's called a dream. I bet you could
shred a Red Leicester on him.
Maybe I do feel a spark.
I might look up the tech specs on
that Lambo.
Go on, go on, go on!
Yes!
Yes! Come on! Woo!
He gels his hair. Don't those bums
get you excited.
God, I hope he don't get groin
strain.
I have got to get my end away.
You've still not done it?
It's becoming a thing now. I need to
get the curse off. Curse, Christ. Yeah.
Can you help me, Rana? Help me, help
me, Rana.
All right, all right, I'll help.
Here's a foolproof method that I
never share with anyone.
Throw on a crisp, white shirt.
I've got to get the iron out!
Then I'll leave you and your jinxed
vagina to it.
Craig, do not get a strain!
Hiya, boys.
MULTIPLE RESPONSES
That's my chair, I bagsied it.
Move away.
He's got nice legs, the one in green
shorts.
Yeah, he's my favourite. Yeah, me
too.
Apart from Craig, obviously.
Obviously.
If I had to take one home, I'd take
green shorts.
He's being creepy, mam. Don't call
him creepy.
Don't call me creepy. Mam, he's
annoying me.
Oh, you're 17, he's seven, deal with
it.
Deal with me, baby. Mum, she's
hurting me!
Right, you've buggered it. In the
car. Oh, mam, why?
Because I said so. Because you said
so. Yeah, yeah,
Mum, it hurts. And you and all, go!
Quick!
Bloody hell, babe. That were
masterful.
Did you like that, yeah? Ooft, yeah.
Maybe we could get the bin bag out
when we get home.
Can I have a lift home? I've got ironing
to do before Craig gets home? Yeah.
I'll see you at home.
You always take his side! You don't
get me at all!
You two! Will you two pack it in
now!
It's him, it's not even me!
Because I said so, because I said
so!
Final warning. I'll throw you out
this car! Stop it.
I am the law! It's him. I am the
law!
Right, you asked for it.
Out. Come on. Right.
This is child abuse!
That felt good. Yes!
They're not going to be acting up
again in a hurry.
OK.
Was that a bit much? Maybe a little
bit. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. What have I done? Turn
the car round.
I can't. The exit's not for three
miles.
Please don't dump me out the car,
Paula.
Call them, call them, call them.
Call her quickly and tell her to go
to the embankment and stay put.
I can't believe I just abandoned my
babies. What kind of mother am I?
I'm going to end up on the cover of
Take A Break.
0-62 in 3.6. Incredible.
Rana, I've got a proposal for you.
Adz, I'm sorry, I'm not going to
marry you. What?
I'm not proposing.
Why not? I got engaged a month ago.
To who? Her name's Sadia. We met in
Dubai.
You didn't think to ask me? I knew you'd
say no like you did and I hadn't proposed.
Yeah, fair play to you.
Oh, end of the day, marriage ain't
for me.
Kills the sex life.
On goes the ring and before you know it,
you're teasing a hard-on with a bin bag.
Not sure what happened to you.
What did you want to ask me? If
you'd hook up in a threesome.
You cheeky shit. She really fancies
you. Of course she does.
Let's see her, then.
Look, can we take you out. Treat you
like a queen.
See what happens from there. On one
condition.
What's that? You let them down
gently.
Mammy's coming. Mammy's coming.
Mammy's coming. Oh, bloody hell.
Oh, Jesus. The police. Shit.
We could leave them to it.
My babies. Is this her? My babies.
My babies. Yeah, this is our mam.
Oh, let me sniff you.
Oh, hands up officer. It's OK, mam.
I already told Officer Rachel
that we were coming home
from visiting nan and we got lost.
Yeah, so sweet. They're such
sweethearts.
Taking pity on an old woman like
that.
She's not a well woman at all. Get
on your way.
Thanks, Officer Rachel. Won't get
lost again, will we, Jake?
We promise. Where you headed now,
then? Shopping. Home.
Mam wants to buy me something.
That's nice, what's that?
A polka dot thong. Oh.
Right. Yeah.
Balls to this, Craig.
I'm there ironing a white shirt like
Rana said,
and I think, "What the fuck am I
doing?"
You're ironing? Oh, yeah. Never
again.
I mean, fuck shirts and wigs and
thongs,
like, it's all just corporate
bullshit like
big "sex" in my head. I know how to,
I've been doing it my whole adult life.
I've got moves of my own. Oi, oi.
I always love it when you do that.
I love you. I fancy you.
And I want to have sex with you.
Fuck yes.
We're going to take it back to basics.
We're gonna do it like when we were 24.
Slightly pissed.
Not looking at each others bits.
And with my music turned up so my
flatmates can't hear.
She's here, isn't she?
Fucking hell.
Marry him.
Now, then
Oh, my God.
God, I make this car look good.
Aren't you supposed to be at the
Hilton being a unicorn?
I told Adz I'd think it over,
lending me Lambo would help
grease the wheels, so to speak.
So you're gonna do it? Nah.
Shagging Adz again would be like
putting on yesterday's knickers.
He don't need to know that.
Hey. Fancy a trip to Costa with me
and me mam?
Hiya, love.
Yes! Yes, I do. Oh, my God, I'm so
excited.
Honey, I'm home.
Grace is at school. Just you and me
here.
Hmm, role reversal. I like it.
You mending the shower, Craig.
Need a hand with your pipe? Oh!
Shit. Oh, God.
All right? Craig gave me a ring.
Can I show you something?
Yep. I fed a new hose.
It's a slightly different colour
from the fitting.
Do you see? Yeah, it looks really
good though. Thanks, mate.
Sorry, I flashed you, by the way. I
thought you were Yeah, it happens.
You OK with the hose as is? Mm.
Yes. Right, I'll be off then.
You all right, mate? Jack.
Just flashed the plumber.
Did he see everything?
It's kinda hot.
Maybe I'm into it.
How's that for spice?
Craig. Fancy a five minute fumble
before work?
Yeah, go on, then.