Human Resources (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Hello.
Human Resources.
How may I direct your call? Oh, I totally get it.
My son just left for college too.
Oh, let me connect you to the Identity Crisis Center.
Please hold.
Grace, I'm going on my break.
I don't get it.
Why doesn't Phil just feed himself? - Oh, hi! - Right there! Sex in the kitchen again.
Yay, fun.
The fuckin' show is called Somebody Feed Phil, baby.
Oh, shit! Oh, whoops.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Every bite with this guy, it's like he's been on Earth for two whole fucking minutes.
He looks like a toddler getting a colonoscopy.
Face or tits, honey? Quick! Face or tits? Neither.
It'll cake in my fur.
Or you could not ejaculate in the kitchen at all.
- Let's just both blam on the floor.
- Here I come! Okay, I'm just gonna grab my Chinese chicken salad.
All right, fine, I'll watch the bloody show.
Ah, don't bother.
I can already tell you won't like it.
You know, Phil Rosenthal created Everybody Loves Raymo Oh, God! I slipped in the cum! Oh! Oh! I think I broke six of my Seven of my legs! And my salad is ruined! That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel So real, so good, so fuckin' real That's just the way you make me feel It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender An emotional, sexual bender Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better There's nothin' better That's just the way you make me feel How is Jose supposed to answer the goddamn phones now? Oh, I can still manage.
Don't be a fuckin' hero, Jose, let it go to voicemail.
Whoa, whoa.
What's going on here? Mona and Gavin were fornicating in the kitchen again and left a puddle of ejaculate.
Excuse me, it was a pile of ejaculate.
It looked like an anthill made of mayonnaise.
Well, Jose almost died on that anthill.
He can't die.
He's a super spider.
He's in Sony, he's in Marvel I think you're thinking of Spider-Man? I'm just a spider, man.
- Jose.
Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, shut the fuck up, Jose.
Don't be nice to these animals.
"Animals"? We're not animals.
We are monsters.
Insatiable, hairy jizz monsters with no boundaries! Ooh! I wish I could cut off my own cock so you could strap it on and fuck me with it right now! Hey, Mona, Gavino, maybe take it down a notch? I think our coworkers are just looking for a little apology.
Okay, fine! I'm so sorry Mona and me left a lot of cum on the floor in the office kitchen.
- And a teensy bit of urine.
- I'm very sorry about my cum.
Okay? Everybody happy? The Archdiocese of Baltimore apologizes better than that.
And it's not just Mona and Gavin who should be apologizing, thank you.
It's all of you.
Todd, roll the fuckin' tape.
- You fuck on our mail carts.
- Hey, it's your favorite aunt, Grace.
Toot, toot! Hot bones coming through! You fellate each other in our vents and on our desks! Hey, Gil, you using a different dick shampoo? Even the fucking snack machine! My favorite snack is Beats by Dre headphones at the airport! Working with you is ruining our fucking lives.
Uh, one second.
Was that last one my house? Yes, Jose.
We sometimes fuck at your place and watch Starz.
Starz with a "Z," baby! Ugh! That's it.
I am calling Corporate.
- What? Oh, man! - Corporate? Those prissy twats wouldn't know a hard dick if you chased them down the stairwell with it.
Ooh, you guys are in trouble! - You too! You're jerking off right now.
- No, I'm not! - Oh, yes you are.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not! No, I'm not.
Hey, Walter! Okay, I'm taking a survey.
Would you rather fart fire or pee ice? I'll pee ice.
Duh! Wait, why are you here and not with Becca? Oh, she doesn't need me bothering her right now.
She just had a baby.
- So, you're avoiding her.
- Pssh! No, I'm giving her space.
Love is about many things, bug, but "space" is not one of them.
Love is smothering like a rogue nurse who's taken mercy into her own hands.
Wow.
I guess I have a lot to learn about love? Yeah, no shit.
I have an incredible idea.
You should learn about love from the bug who knows the most about love, and that bug happens to be grabbing you by the collar right now.
- Are you gonna kill me? - Ooh! Better, honey.
I'm gonna teach you! It's a Lovebug ride-along, bitch.
- Let's go! Whoo! - Whoa! My spider dick! Rochelle, do you want to tell me what this is? An application for the Phoenix Suns credit card our client Doug wants to get? - Well, yes, that's objectively what it is.
- And subjectively? A bad decision.
 This is a joke credit card and the punchline is a lifetime of crushing debt.
Ugh, you are such a Logic Rock! The Connecticut Costco Credit Union has a perfectly reasonable card and it's not purple.
But Doug loves the Phoenix Suns.
He's their number one Hartford fan.
And if he spends over 30,000 in the first three months, he earns a full leather varsity Suns jacket.
It's so purple.
No! Doug needs to be saving money for Donna's engagement ring.
That can be the first thing he buys with his new Suns credit card.
Look, I know you've achieved a lot of success in a short amount of time.
- And you're classically good-looking - Mmhmm.
I was born this way.
- and people like you.
- Boy, stop.
But you're mistaking that for being right, which you're not, you're very, very wrong.
This card isn't just irresponsible, it's dumb and purple.
Hm.
You know what? You're totally right.
The Costco card makes much more sense.
How did I not see that before? - So stupid.
Ah! - Oh, uh Well, don't be too hard on yourself.
The print is very tiny.
See? That's why we work so well together.
I have an idea, and you tell me why it's dumb.
I'll go clear this up with Doug.
Thank you.
Oh, well, de nada.
In fact, thank you.
Oh, no, thank you.
Okay, I'm just gonna close the loop and just say, "You're welcome.
" This is horseshit.
We don't need sensitivity training.
Yeah.
I'm very sensitive.
I can't even watch a Hallmark commercial without frosting my coffee table.
I say, the minute this bozo from Corporate comes in, we cut off my dick and throw it at his head.
- Yeah! - That's right.
You really want someone to cut off your dick, huh, chief? Yeah, maybe.
What are you gonna do about it? Cut off my dick? Here.
Here's a bread knife.
Okay, monster friends.
Let's put away the knives and keep our genitals on our bodies, yeah? Sound good? Oh, you must be the killjoy from Corporate.
I could hear your tight butthole squeaking down the hallway.
Yes, I'm from Corporate and I do have a tight butthole, but I also have a name.
It's Empathy Mulholland.
And, folks, I get it.
You don't want me here.
Yeah, we wanna kill you and make doody on your corpse! Tyler! But yes, as always, the fucking idiot speaks for all of us.
But, hey, monsters, we have a problem.
Your coworkers are upset.
Our coworkers can suck Gavin's severed dick.
- Yeah! - I hear you.
You're Hormone Monsters.
You want to fornicate wherever and whenever you want.
- Yeah! - She gets it! I can tell you're very passionate about intercourse, and that's beautiful, but you just can't do it in the office ever again starting right now.
What? I'm so mad, I wanna fuck in my place of business! Let's get out of here.
We can go "intercourse" at Jose's house and watch Starz.
With a "Z"! Ooh! That sounds like a really nice afternoon.
But, unfortunately, if I don't sign-off on your training, you're all gonna get fired.
Yucky.
What the fuck? I can't go back to work on the flip-flop factory floor.
It's too hard to say! And I can't move back in with my parents! They don't let me party, man! - Mona? - Fine.
I'll stay.
But I'm going to be incredibly unpleasant.
Just like my parents when they found me smoking that icky-sticky with all my cool friends.
Whoo-hoo! Good morning, Long Island! Love is in the air.
Can you smell it, Emmy? Can you smell the love? That depends.
Does love smell like garbage? No, that's just Long Island, honey.
Now, my first client, his love is so big, it could fill all of Lake Ronkonkoma.
All the way from Lakeshore Road to Little Vincent's Pizzeria.
And if you don't know Long Island, that's really far away.
So, you're just at 100% all the time, huh? Love lesson number one: if you're not giving it 100 then what's the fucking point? Now, walk with me.
Hold my hand.
Squeeze it, crush it! - I don't wanna! - Harder, I wanna hear the bones.
Oh! - Good morning, Brent.
Mwah! - Mwah! Mwah! Good morning, Walter.
You're just in time.
Somebody's grumpy-pants because they haven't had their bweakfast.
The shrimp's almost ready! Oh, okay.
The husband is cute and he's cooking prawns at dawn, Emmy likey.
Gerald's fine.
We only stay with him because we could never share custody of Mr.
Tails! Ooh, yes, hunty, yass! Cat- egory is thick girls with attitude! - Strut, strut! - You're here because Brent loves a cat? - Of course! - Yass! Mr.
Tails is the most magnificent creature that's ever graced this disgusting city.
- Who's our favorite baby kitty cat? - Ooh! Who's keeping me in this dead marriage? You are! Uh, am I missing something? I mean, that's just a stupid cat, right? Love lesson number two! The world is made up of many types of love and they're all perfect and they're all equally important.
Whoo! Jesus, Walter, is that cocaine? It's catnip, baby.
Kitty coke.
The meow pow.
- Meow-meow! - Ow! You scratched me, you fucking psycho! Love lessons number three through a million: Love is a fucking psycho.
When me and love get together I give up all control I ghost my friends And put the family on hold I let everything slide Forget the bills and the rent Love ain't happy with half It wants 100% It's a total obsession An all-in game I'd rather kill it than to lose it And love feels the same 'Cause love is a psycho And I'm a psycho for love Love is a psycho And I'm a psycho for love Me and love We like our loving at the maximum dose It's like that movie Fatal Attraction But we're both Glenn Close It consumes my every hour And haunts every dream It shows up at my job Makes an embarrassing scene Yeah, we tumble and we tussle We scratch and we bite But if it ain't a little scary You ain't doin' it right 'Cause love is a psycho And I'm a psycho for love Love is a psycho And I'm psycho for love And I know that love will never leave 'Cause I slashed its tires And I stole its keys Yeah, love is a psycho And I'm a psycho for love Yeah, love is a psycho And I'm a psycho for love Okay, are you sure that catnip wasn't actually cocaine? No, I'm not! Doh! Damn it! Um, Rochelle? Mr.
Pete-Pete-Pete.
Hey.
I feel like I was a little rough earlier when I was explaining how dumb your idea was.
Look.
I get it.
You're a Logic Rock.
You're just doing what you think is right.
Oh.
Exactly.
And I was just doing what I think Doug would love.
Totally.
Uh, wait.
What did you do? You'll see.
What did you do? That car is a lease! Isn't it boss? Now my whole car looks like the jacket.
Oh! Do you love it, Doug? Uh, was Charles Barkley the most dominant power forward in NBA history despite being only six foot four? He sure was.
You Lovebugs make the most ridiculous decisions.
- It's impossible to collaborate with you.
- Come on.
You love it, you dumbass rock.
I certainly love it.
And I assume you put this all on your Phoenix Suns purple credit card? That's right.
Finally catching up to us, Pete.
Look! It's got a basketball on it and the basketball is on fire.
My God.
It's a sun, Doug! Consideration.
Yeah? Let's explore that word through my favorite activity, corporate role play.
How about my dick plays the role of a salami and you have to slice it off to make a nice charcuterie? Um Connie, why don't you join me up front? Okay, I love acting.
Now, Connie, what is something you hate? Oh, gosh, so many things.
The Apple TV remote, Adolf Hitler from Nazi Germany.
Oh! And the sound of toenails getting clipped.
Okay.
Great.
Now let's pretend that you're at your desk and I've come by to be a Chatty Kathy.
All right You may begin.
Oh, hey, Connie.
Sorry I was late for work.
Mama's sick again.
I wonder when I'll ever have my own life, free of Mama, from all that wailing.
Oh, my God, do you mind? And scene.
Now, Connie, how did that make you feel? Bad! Like I gotta poop at a house party.
So, would you say that I was considerate in that interaction? No! And you knew I didn't like that.
Exactly.
But I did it anyway.
That's what we've been doing fucking in front of our co-workers.
- We've been bad little birdies.
- This is all such bullshit! Gavin, where's this resistance coming from? I don't know.
My dick? But you can always lop it off! - Gavin? - Yes? - Please pull out your pecker.
- Yeah? Why? You said I could lop it off and I would like to lop it off, please.
Right from where the shaft meets the balls.
Oh God! Please don't take my dick.
Why, Gavin? Why shouldn't I take your dick? Because I want it! I just I I don't I don't think I deserve it! And why don't you deserve it? Because it's such a good penis.
And I'm such a bad monster.
Wow, that is a breakthrough.
Mmm.
Mama earned her glass of rat's blood tonight.
Ooh, ooh! Now do me.
Yeah, I wanna know why I hold onto so many winter coats.
I wanna know why I'm afraid of dolls.
I want to know why I work with such a bunch of pathetic pussies.
Okay, I bet she could tell ya.
You're gonna love Yara.
All my clients are my favorite, but Yara truly is my number one.
I'm her ride or die.
Oh, man.
You should have warned me your client was an old person.
I know we're not supposed to say it, but the elderly have a stew smell.
Well, if we're not supposed to say it, then, honey, don't say it.
Knock-knock.
Guess who? - Safi! - That's right, baby.
It's Safi time.
Wait, Walter, what's happening? Who's Safi? Ooh, get ready for some shit, bug! Are you Safi? Oh, God.
Am I Safi? Ah! Beirut, 1972.
- Wait, what? How did we get here? - Well, it's Yara's dementia.
Oh, no, Yara has dementia? Uh-uh.
Yara gets dementia because Yara has Alzheimer's.
It's one of those diseases some humans get as they get older.
It causes these fabulous time distortions.
- Whoa.
- Yara, my darling, we have a date with destiny.
You look so handsome in your suit, Walter.
You know, I always dress up for Safi! Ooh-ooh! I'm gonna order a Lebanese cocktail.
- Shh! - What? It's five o'clock in someone's mental decline.
Hush! Destiny enters stage right.
Safi! Oh, Safi is the waiter.
She came here every day after university to see him.
He serves her favorite rosewater tea without asking and an almond cookie he never charges her for.
Actually, he stole a lot of stuff under the table, but alas, because of her family, they could never be seen together.
Okay, forbidden love.
Now, you're speaking my Danielle Steel language.
Those books are porn.
And isn't Yara just a star? I mean, following her heart, tradition be damned.
Oh! Look, it's happening.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What does it say? "Tonight.
The beach.
Meet me.
" Oh! Such concise language.
Man, I have a huge boner in my heart for these two.
To quote Danielle Steel, "My member is throbbing.
" "Full vehicle wrap, neon purple underglow kit"? "Custom Suns airbags"? Yeah, makes me want to crash my car.
Uh, how could you possibly afford all this, Doug? You're a TaskRabbit.
- Actually, my rating dropped too low.
- Oh, God.
There was some mounting evidence - of some TV mounting accidents, so - Sure.
now I'm just a rabbit 'cause I still love to fuck! - You sure do.
- Go easy on him, Pete.
He just lost his job.
Freelance labor matched to temporary local demand through an exploitative app is technically not a job, Rochelle.
- Sounds like a job to me.
Money is money.
- It's a gig.
A gig! Jeez, Pete, you sound a lot like Donna.
And what about Donna, Doug? You're supposed to be saving money to buy Donna an engagement ring.
- Oh! Damn.
I didn't think about that.
- No, you didn't.
I was caught in the rapture of love.
- What in the absolute fuck did you do now? - And here it comes.
- I I can explain.
- It's so fucking purple! Well, it's also orange and yellow.
I can't fuckin' believe you, Doug.
You did it again.
Oh, God.
Did what again, babe? Made me fall in love with you.
I love it! And I love you! Oh, babe, I love you! Okay.
This doesn't make any sense.
That's love, baby.
You know what? I was gonna wait to do this at the Suns versus Nets game next week, but I'm so goddamn wet right now.
Douglas Frederick, will you marry me? Yes! Yes! Several times, yes! Now let's get all Steve Nashty in that throbbing chariot of yours.
Go, Suns! Go, Suns! Go, Suns! Go, Suns.
Yara's here.
She's ready, but will Safi show? Has Safi been killed by the secret police? JK, JK, he hasn't.
We've done this hundreds of times, but it's still my favorite.
I'm addicted! And it never bothers you? Which part? The part where she's tragically trapped in an endless loop of lost memories? Emmy, let Yara and I have this.
Oh! There he is.
Oh! What a God damn Phoenician hunk.
Damn! I didn't think you'd come.
Of course, I love you.
I'd walk 500 kilometers for you.
And I would walk 500 more just to be your Just shut up and kiss me! Mmm Look at them.
Such passion.
Such a sunset.
I want to stay here forever.
Ma! It's me, your son, Amir.
Do you know where they put the good blankets I got you? Amir? You know, the ones with the Yorkshire Terriers you love? - Safi? - Not Safi.
- Why no Safi? - Amir.
Excuse me, do you know where our good blankets are? It's freezing in here.
- I can see my mother's nipples.
- Safi! What's happening? Why's that man talking about your nipples? Where are we? We're back in the U.
S.
of A-holes.
He does this all the time.
Walter, you're sweating.
Stressing her out.
Sticking her in here to die.
Why can't she just be back in Lebanon with Safi? This is so fucking unfair.
Walter? Be careful.
You're turning into a Hateworm.
Love lesson number one million and one! The line between love and hate is thin as hell! You'd think if you cum enough, it'll finally drain the fat out of your fat fucking face, but that's just your mother talking.
Didn't that feel good? Yeah.
I feel fucking skinny.
Oh! Pfft! Come on, Maurice.
Don't you see what she's trying to do? What, help me divorce my self-esteem from my load size? No! She's trying to tame you.
She's trying to tame all of us! I can imagine how frightening that must be for you, Mona.
I can imagine popping out your eyeballs and dangling them from my crotch like a pair of testicles.
Thank you for that.
Come on, we are Hormone Monsters, don't you forget it.
We're the fucking rock stars who get rock stars fucked.
- It's true.
- Does Steve Winwood count? 'Cause I work with Steve Winwood.
And rock stars write songs about fucking that make other people fuck! - Alright! - Steve Winwood fucks.
More than you'd think.
You tame us, you tame them.
And if humans stop fucking, no more humans! - Yes! - No more humans, no more Human Resources.
Yeah! And then you're all stuck working with that alien race that hasn't evolved past sucking its own dick.
You wanna talk abut sex in the workplace? Well, honey, sex is my workplace.
Yeah! Preach, Mona, preach! - What do we want? - Sex! And when do we want it? All the time! - Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! - Chex Mix! Chex Mix! Chex Mix! Hey, Rick.
We're chanting, "sex," bud.
- Your move, Empathy.
- Sex, sex! Stop! Okay.
What if, as a compromise, I get Corporate to give you guys your own designated fuck room? Oh, with a drain in the middle so we can hose down our drippings? Well, that sounds more like a murder room.
Yeah! To murder our private parts in.
Well, Mona, what do you say? They're falling in love.
Throw in a flat-screen telly and a subscription to Starz.
With a "Z.
" - And I suppose we have a deal.
- Done.
- Hey, listen, could we get a dildo cubby? - Yes! I'm just thinking ahead.
Where are we? I'm so confused! Mama, please.
How dare you put your mother in this zoo for old people? - Relax.
Take a deep breath.
- Leave me alone! Do you know what an insult that is to your mama? She did everything for you! Walter! - I fucking hate her being old.
- Ahh! He just wants his mother to have the good blankets.
At least he visits her.
He's doing his best! - Oh, Mama, I almost forgot.
- Oh, my God! What was that? Is this rose tea from the café? Yeah, I told you.
I ordered it from YourLebaneseMothersTeas.
com.
- Aww.
- And it's not cheap.
Here, Walter, smell.
Smell the tea.
Oh.
Oh! That smells like Safi.
Finally.
I bought these nice blankets for my mother and you keep them in the closet? What are we paying you for? This is my son Amir.
He visits me every day and he takes the best care of me.
Please, Mama.
Not in front of the doggies.
I always forget this part.
It's nice.
"Always"? This happens every time? Oh, no.
Sometimes I really lose my shit.
And he keeps visiting even though you freak out on him? And she doesn't know who he is half the time? Well, he loves her.
Huh.
I guess love means showing up? Well, look at you! All the way up to lesson number one million and two.
Hm And so then, maybe, I should be showing up for Becca.
Hey, now, you're not as grossly incompetent as you claim to be.
Well, I never said that.
Oh! Then who said that? Somebody said that.
Did I say that? I probably did.
Hey, Petey-Petey, you rock-hard sweetie.
You still mad at me? Hey, Rochelle-Rochelle.
You are a Lovebug.
We work together.
I guess that's a no? Well, it seems Doug's terrible purple car worked out even better than you thought.
What's up, everybody? I'm in Hartford, Connecticut, today, and this fool's driving me around.
Look what he did to his car.
Hey, Sir Charles, the basketball is also a sun! Oh, man, this guy is an idiot.
I love it.
- Doug got a job? - Gig.
He got a gig.
- Yeah, with his hero! - Well, it's a start.
Well, I got you something.
A little peace offering.
Oh.
You, uh, know I'm a rock, right? I don't get cold.
Of course you don't.
But hey, you look kinda cute.
- I do? - Mm-hm.
- Oh, thank you.
- Of course.
- We, uh, have a thing now.
- Yeah.
A sense of camaraderie captured in a meaningful object.
Okay, if that's what you want to call it.
I like it despite its impracticality.
Okay, cool.
I'm done.
Have a good night.
Good night, Rochelle.
We hormone monsters want you to know We hear you.
We see you.
We respect you, man, and women.
And we're sorry we were naughty.
But we've learned something.
We deserve our good dicks.
And we're gonna try to be more, you know, considerate.
Yeah.
And more professional.
All while still being the rocking fuck stars that we are.
Teamwork is cream-work! There's a drain in the middle.
Oh, yeah! Oh, God! Jose, answer the damn phones! Oh, for crying out loud, Petra! I'm on my lunch break.
I like the way you call my name It sounds so nice I could never explain I like the way you hold my hand It lets me know that you understand I like the way you wanna kiss me And I like the way you always miss me I like the way, I like the way I like the way you come around And cheer me up whenever I'm down I like the way you make me feel The love we have is so very real